Got half a dozen emails this morning asking for my opinion on Obama’s State of the Union Address.
I missed it.
Or rather I missed it live, though I did watch excerpts of it later on the net and I read the transcripts.
It irritates the piss out of me that I missed it.
I was at a middle school honors band concert. I don’t mind going to school band concerts – I usually enjoy them a great deal, and last night’s was especially good – but I do mind that educators (of all people) would schedule a kids’ band concert in the middle of the President’s address to the nation. And I especially mind that it was during what is arguably one of the most important State of the Union addresses in a long time. One of the down sides of living just outside of Palinville in the reddest part of the reddest red state is that it never occurred to the local school district or the band teachers or the majority of parents that an Alaskan living in the Valley should be even remotely interested in watching “that liberal fascist traitor” speak to the nation.
You can damned well bet if it was Palin up there giving a speech the whole state would have ground to a halt, hanging on her every word, cheering and crying red white and blue tears of joy. Hell, maybe they should have broadcast the SOTU address in the Lost timeslot after all - since nobody would schedule a band concert on that night either.
Yes, I am more than a little irked. Can you tell?
Me? I would have assigned the kids to watch the President’s speech and write a report as homework - no matter who the president is – because I think we should be teaching our kids to be informed citizens. But hey, you know, that’s just me. It’s probably better that the Palin Teabaggers and the other hysterical dipshits get their view of the President’s position through the filter of Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and FoxNews, rather, than, you know, listening to the President’s actual words and discussing it in class. Conservatives piss and moan and wave their hands about “political correctness” right up until it’s a topic they don’t want to talk about – then they piss and moan and wave their hands about how the fascists are trying to put ideas in their kid’s heads. Think I’m exaggerating? This is the same batch of jackasses who raised pluperfect hell over the president’s address to America’s schoolchildren last year, afraid that when Obama exhorted kids to stay in school and study hard he was really subliminally infecting them with the disease of politically correct atheist social fascism and the kids would all end up gay liberal pussies or red commies as a result. Kids actually had to have permission slips to watch the President of the United States speak on TV during school hours. This is the same batch of retards who bemoan “political correctness” because they aren’t allowed to refer to black people as property in public anymore – but are deathly afraid that the African America liberal president is going to say something that offends them.
Yes, that noise you hear is me banging my head on the desk.
Moving on. Woozily and with a ringing headache, but moving on.
So, the State of the Union Address, let’s see if I can sum things up:
The President: Things are bad, but they’re getting better.
The Democratic Response: Things are bad, you promised us bunnies that fly and fart sunshine and rainbows and you haven’t delivered and we’re so disillusioned, we knew we should have voted for Hillary!
The Republican Response: Things are bad and getting worse, and Oh God! Oh God! We’re all gonna die! Terrorists!
The Independent Response: Things are bad, but they can be better – if the price is right! Please contact Joe Leiberman, bring your checkbook and knee pads and remember Joe reserves the right to go back on his word at anytime. Checks are not refundable.
The President: We inherited a mess from the last administration, it takes time to fix it.
The Democratic Response: Stop blaming George W. Bush, it’s Joe Lieberman’s fault, plus you promised us rainbow farting flying bunnies and you haven’t delivered!
The Republican Response: Stop blaming George W. Bush – everybody knows it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault!
The Independent Response: For the right prices, I’ll make it whoever’s fault you want.
The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! USA! USA!
The President: We’ve got a lot of problems and we need to work together to fix them.
The Democratic Response: Work together? How can we possibly work together when we no longer have a supermajority, oh woe, woe, is us. If you’re not going to give us the bunnies, we’ll just go eat our young. Again.
The Republican Response: Sure we’ll work together, just not with you, or liberals, or democrats, or progressives, or moderate conservatives, or party traitors, or Blue Dog democrats, or yellow dog liberals, or cat owners, or hairy legged women, or gays, or any of them queers, or abortionists, scientists, environmentalists, the Fed, the Poor, France, people who don’t love Jesusastheirpersonalloadandsaviorforeverandeveramen, elites, smart guys, illegal aliens, or Joe fucking Lieberman. Kiss our asses, just wait ‘till 2012!
The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA!
Palin: Well clearly what the President, and what I mean is that he doesn’t understand, I’m saying, what the problem is, is well, besides just regular people being hoodwinked by the liberal media elites is that…well, that’s to say common sense solutions!
The President: No more spending.
The Democratic Response: Right! Well, except for environmental issues that create jobs in blue states…
The Republican Response: Right! Well, except for military hardware and weapons systems that create jobs in red states…
The Independent Response: Right! Well, except for on me! Me! Me!
The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA!
Palin: The brave George Jefferson, who was a patriotic foundling father of our Great Nation, had common sense…
The President: Jobs are good, we should get us some of that.
The Democratic Response: Only if they’re union jobs. With bunnies!
The Republican Response: Wait, that’s our idea!
The Independent Response: I’ve got a job! I don’t see what the problem is.
The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA! Palin would have given us jobs already! Common Sense!
Palin: Buy my book! Mama needs a couple more million so I can be just like all of you brave common sense patriots whom I sympathize with so much in this time of crisis that our great nation is going through because McCain’s people wouldn’t let me tell you the common sense I’ve just got bottled up inside me waiting to get out so we can all work towards world peace.
The President: I don’t think corporations and Saudi Arabia should be able to legally buy themselves a Congressman.
The Democratic Response: Bunnies, we want bunnies!
The Republican Response: Whoa! He’s talking about a significant fraction of our income!
The Independent Response: Already there!
Justice Alito: Wait. What did that motherfucker just say?
Senator Leahy: Ha ha, Owned! SCOTUS Bitches!
The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA!
Palin: I can see Saudi Arabia from my house…
I think that about does it.
See you next year.