Sunday, July 5, 2009

Meet the Three Loneliest People...

Jim is on vacation in the Florida Panhandle, where Karaoke takes on a whole new, and deeply horrifying, meaning...

...at the Milton, Florida 4th of July Celebration.

Let's just say President Obama doesn't have a lot of fans in this deeply religious Southern town - something about socialism, among other, uh, darker issues. They didn't sell a lot of T-shirts, but they had a good sense of humor about it. We talked about the Palin thing, they had a really good sense of humor about that too.

Other things:

- The 4th of July is a big deal around here. Despite the hard economic times, the whole town turned out on the boardwalk along the river as only a small Southern town can. People were having a lot of fun and enjoying themselves.

- At the center of the Riverwalk Park is a large pavilion. During celebrations like this, it's used for public Karaoke. Southerners are big on Karaoke. You haven't lived until you've heard The Doobie Brothers' China Grove sung by very, very drunk mulleted rednecks. Really, you haven't.

- Bobo the Balloon Clown sucked. Her main talent seemed to be making snakes and popping balloons. The kids didn't seem to mind.

- My mother-in-law mentioned that she liked funnel cake. I went to get her one. I stood in line. It took forever. The very large woman in front of me was eating a enormous plate of steak fries covered in thick gloppy cheese, sour cream, and bacon bits. She was making love to each potato slice, mmmm nom nom nom, then licking the greese off her fingers and making loud smaking sounds of satisfaction. When she got to the window, she ordered five funnel cakes - and one fork. She must have noticed my expression, because she turned to me and said, "Fuck you, I like funnel cake." Back off, Jabba, leave some for the rest of us, thanks.

- How to screw with Rednecks: The guy selling kabobs wouldn't leave me alone. He shouted across the walkway, "Hey! Best Kabobs in Town!" I shook my head, no. "What's the matter?" What's the matter that I don't want to eat room temperature meat on a stick out of a dirty cooler sold by some drunken goober and his beer buddies? "That's down right unAmerican!" OK, see know you've pissed me off, so I said, loudly, "Kabobs? Kabobs come from the Middle East, they're frickin' Arab food! I don't eat no Arab food on America's Birthday!" I left him with his friends looking suspiciously at him and one said, "Ah thought ya'll said ya'll got these at the Costco? Ah don want no fuckin' Ayerab food on America's Birthday..." and the reply, "Hey, you ate like twenty of 'em already, stupid!" "Ah didn't know they was Ayerab food!"

- The fireworks were pretty damned good.

I hope you all enjoyed the Holiday.

We're off for one more family picnic today at the swimming hole.

Tomorrow we're up early, flying to to Michigan to see more family.


Also, Continental's online check-in process sucks big hairy donkey balls. It's slow. No, it's just unbelievably slow. Then the bastards charged me for check-in luggage, which pisses me off. I think they should have to refund me for the ink and paper needed to print the stinking ads on the boarding passes. Instead of begin able to print a page with the six boarding passes I need, I have to print six pages with one boarding pass on each and a page of fucking advertising. Kiss my ass, Continental check-in process.


  1. Fuck you, Jim, I like President Obama.

  2. Cohort, urk, right. The memory was so painful that I didn't remember it right, apparently.

  3. Ah lahk room-tempatyur Aye-rabs on a skyooo-er.


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