Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I’m Just A Cheeseburger In Paradise

I’m going to the VA this morning.

They just built a new VA medical clinic out here in the Valley and I’ve been assigned to it. This is a good thing, because it means that for routine medical stuff I don’t have to drive to Anchorage. The new clinic is five minutes from my house.

I went in there yesterday to get signed up. They told me I have to have lab work done to establish a baseline for my new provider.

Including a cholesterol test.

So, I’ve been “fasting” for the last twelve hours, but see, here’s the thing, prior to vacation I spent a month eating nothing but fat free yogurt and fruit and vegetables. However, for the last three weeks I’ve been living mostly on bacon, cheesy grits, country fried meat covered in cream gravy with a side of corn dogs and Whataburger chocolate malteds. There was a lot of French fries in there too. Plus a couple of funnel cakes and an order of fried pickles. There was a three day span where I ate nothing but steak. I did eat some squash, white, breaded and deep fried of course – and it was gooooood.

Basically, I’ve consumed the equivalent of a 55 drum of liquid Crisco over the last month.

Yeah, I can’t wait for this conversation:

Young Pretty Doctor with a total body fat of 1% (who probably runs marathons): Mr. Wright, according to our tests, you don’t in fact have any blood.

Me: I don’t? Well that’s good right?

Doctor: No. Not really. Frankly we’re somewhat baffled.

Me: Pass me another donut, would you? No, no, the one with custard filling and the chocolate frosting.

Doctor: We had trouble testing your blood samples, they keep distilling into bio-diesel in the centrifuge…

Me: Look! I’m Homer Simpson, doooonut! Mmmmmmm.

Doctor: Your arteries appear to be filled with a substance that most closely resembles two-week old McDonalds fryer grease.

Me: Ooooh, fries! With extra salt.

Doctor: sigh.

They really shouldn't have made me fast.


  1. Had one test where you have have to clean everything, and I mean everything out, and then eat nothing but clear liquid.

    Quack did not think 'Is vodka a clear liquid' a good question.

  2. ntsc, I think that was an excellent question. The answer, of course, is "only the clear ones."

    Jim, I'm not a big "deep fried" anything person. And I think cheesy grits are an abomination - let them grits be grits, I say. It's one of the things I miss about not living down south. But I do loves me some cheeseburgers.

    Good luck with all the poking, prodding, and needle jabbing.

  3. But vodka is a clear liquid. So are gin and some light rums. Your doctor should have no issue with those.

    Doctors are strange.

    (Why is neurodoc giving me the evil eye?)

  4. We have your tests here, hmmm, looking at this your blood type is "Deep Fried" and your Cholesterol levels are causing elephants in africa to die of heart disease because of their proximity to you.

  5. Actually, after the vacation you had, I'd think your blood pressure would be the big concern.

  6. Jim, I hate to say it, but you may want to delete this post.

    No, it's not because it's offensive. It's as well-written, humorous and entertaining as you usually are. But you make certain claims about your biology that... well, they could fall upon the wrong eyes.

    See, if you missed it, your own Governor-Soon-To-Be-Mrs. Sarah Palin has an op-ed column in today's Washington Post in which she criticizes President Obama's energy policy, and (once again) she talks about drilling in Alaska and how much energy your state can generate.

    Jim, don't you see? It's only a small, small step between drilling Alaska and drilling Alaskans. If GSTBM Palin or those who agree with her were to even suspect you had biodiesel in your veins... the horror; and yes, I know you're joking, being facetious and using exaggeration to make a humorous point, but let's face it: Sarah Palin isn't very smart. I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if she had a plan to balance the Federal budget with the baby teeth of American children.

    If you decide to leave the post up, just be careful, man. Okay?

  7. It's OK, Eric, I'm not standing in a protected federal wildlife sanctuary. I should be safe enough...

  8. Drilling Alaskans

    Sounds like porn to me.

  9. That's the title of Palin's new book...

  10. Doctors are totally strange. I should know. O.o

    And Jim, I am dying to know your cholesterol and triglyceride levels, once you get them back. Just because.

  11. Well, they took enough blood from me to fill a very large vampire.

    One of the reasons I'm doing this is that I've been slacking off health wise since leaving the military. I've gained a few pounds and this does not please me. Now that I'm actually feeling better and not in continuous pain I want to start running again - however, since it's been two years I want a full physical first.

    You'll be happy to know that after I got back I ate a breakfast of fruit. Lunch will be cottage cheese and salad. Dinner I haven't decided on yet.

  12. One of my back-burner-not-abandoned-I-swear projects would be about a very large vampire.

  13. That's the title of Palin's new book...

    No, that is the title of her ex-future-son-in-law's book. :D

  14. Dude, she is so going to come after you for that.

  15. Jim, you are looking at this the wrong way. See, after your trip and the excesses you've recently been through, your baseline will be abnormal for you, but completely normal for a large portion of the general population.

    Now you'll be on a diet that doesn't include deep-fried bacon-covered cream-filled donuts wrapped in steak, so you'll rapidly return to reasonable blood chemistry. In a month or two the docs can do another baseline, and they'll think you have some secret native Alaskan wonder cure that naturally adjusts cholesterol and triglycerides to healthy levels.

    You'll be able to make a tidy fortune selling them (small) vials of you blood for their research every few months!

    Of course you want to watch out right after that second baseline, because the unscrupulous practicioner could just turn you into a zombie and hide you in the basement. They could point to the first baseline and say that such readings would be almost immediately fatal, so you must have wandered away somewhere and died.

    Or they could point to a recent post and say that some Texans could have beaned you with their belt buckles in retaliation for the disrespect you showed them. Most anybody that's ever had any dealings with Texans would believe them capable of doing that to a plain old ordinary wood-working Alaskan!

    Maybe you should get an RFID chip implanted and let the UCFers know your code, so we could come up there and find you if there's a suspicious disappearance reported, or just if we notice an unusual lack of posts after a few days.

    I'll bet one of us could cobble up a signal booster that could pin-point an RFID chip from a mile away! And we would, for you!

    Nuff said? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...

  16. (wipes eyes from laughing so hard)

    "spins into bio-diesel in the centrifuge"


    Dr. Phil

  17. Jim, just be careful if they say bendover...they may be setting up a drilling platform for future use!!!


    and on that note I'm going home!!


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