State officials in Hawaii on Monday said they have once again checked and confirmed that President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii and is a natural-born American citizen, and therefore meets a key constitutional requirement for being president.
"I have seen the original vital records maintained on file by the Hawaii State Department of Health, verifying Barack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii and is a natural-born American citizen," Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino said.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that this will not, in fact, convince the so-called “birthers” that the President is indeed an actual and legitimate natural born citizen of the United States and is as fully qualified to be the leader of the free world as any random rich white guy from the God Fearin’ Midwest.
I’m also going to say this, if you’re a Birther – and yes, I am talking to you and you know who you are – you’re just plain nuts. Nuts, stark staring bonkers, a pilgrim to Whatthefuckistan, due for a thorazine enema and a nice new straightjacket. Nuts, like Michael Jackson contemplating plastic surgery nuts.
I.e. You’re a fucking loon. Your wife is a loon. And your children are little loons. Your friends are loons and your dog is probably a loon too. The people who go to your church are loons. You’re like a big flock of crazy chattering loons who get together for loon potlucks where they serve loon in loon sauce with a side of loon salad.
And once again - since you seem to think that repetition is the key to communication - you’re goofy.
You’re so nuts in point of fact, that you make actual crazy people look sane (seriously here, Birthers, when you start ranting that Crazypants Anne is too liberal – when Anne Coulter is the voice of reason in the room and Geraldo Rivera looks like an actual and responsible journalist in comparison - well, then you are on the Crazy Bus careening down the road to Bugfuck Town and the brakes have failed).
But seriously, why stop there? If you’re going to do the crazy dance, go all in. Like Klinger on those old M.A.S.H episodes, put on the dress. Put it on. The sun bonnet too. And the high heels. I mean if you’re going to ride the Bugfuck Coaster of Doom, do it screaming and with your hands above your head. Buy a T-shirt and the commemorative coffee cup (perfect for Teabaggers). Get your picture taken with Alan Keyes, it’s only five dollars more.
Not to rain on Crazy Pride Days or anything, but I have a minor quibble, I think the problem here is that “Birther” is too general a term.
Maybe what we need here is some schism in Church Birther, some different categories so every bat guano eating fruitcake can find his or her niche in the movement:
Alien Baby Birthers: for people who believe that Obama is really an alien reptile from Zeta Reticuli in a rubber human suit, which as you know would make him completely ineligible to hold office due to the Constitutional clause specifying that Americans be, in fact, warm blooded and not eat mice alive and whole.
Reformed Alien Baby Birthers: Those people who watched too many episodes of the X-Files while snorting Tester’s Model Cement and believe that Obama is actually an alien reptile/human hybrid vice a full blooded scaly invader from outer space.
NoBirthers: Those who believe Obama wasn’t, in fact, born at all – but was created in the secret biological laboratories of the Kenyan ACLU hidden deep in the grassy plains of the Serengeti as part of a centuries old plot on the part of the Masai Illuminati to conquer the world.
Belly Button Birthers: Those who believe that Obama did not actually have a father, but is in fact an early example of cross-sex cloning. These folks demand that Obama provide his belly button for examination and verification of actual natural gestation inside an actual natural human woman. A number of these folks claim to have seen pictures of Obama’s Belly Button and that it looked “totally Photoshopped.”
RoboBirthers: Those who are firmly convinced that Obama is a auto-animatronic robot built by Walt Disney before his death, which now carries Walt’s mental engrams through the process of neural transference worked out by former-Nazi engineers captured at the end of the war by Disney World Operatives. The mental transference was performed in the World of Tomorrow labs and was the basis for the Disney movie Return to Witch Mountain.
ManchurianBirthers: Those people who believe that Obama is really a Soviet sleeper weapon leftover from the Cold War, a brainwashed automaton created by the KGB in the 60’s and then left, forgotten like a suitcase nuke in an East Berlin pawn shop, after the Wall came down. Someday the Hotline will ring and Putin will issue the self-destruct command and grease Palin’s ride into the Oval Office.
AfterBirthers: Those who believe that Obama and Arnold Schwarzenegger are really twins separated at birth, like in the movie Twins – only Obama is Danny DeVito.
American Birthers: Those crazy heretical bastards who believe that Obama is actually a natural born American citizen and the legitimate 44th President of the United States.
(Go on, Readers, make up a few of your own, it’s fun)
Seriously, Birthers, if it sounds like I don’t respect your beliefs and that I am in fact ridiculing you, there’s a good reason for that – it’s because I don’t respect your beliefs and I am, in fact, ridiculing you.
I know, I know, but I feel it important to state the obvious.
* Note: I think that instead of a law like the Birther Bill proposed by Rep Bill Posey (R-Fl) and supported by goofs like Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK), what we actually need is a law that makes conspiracy nuts like the Birthers wear a shirt with the word “Idiot” spelled out in big block letters both front and back, a pointy hat with a propeller on it, and one of those beepers like they’ve got on heavy equipment to alert us when the crazy people enter a room.