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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Ignorant Crazy Stupid

State officials in Hawaii on Monday said they have once again checked and confirmed that President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii and is a natural-born American citizen, and therefore meets a key constitutional requirement for being president.

"I have seen the original vital records maintained on file by the Hawaii State Department of Health, verifying Barack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii and is a natural-born American citizen," Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino said.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that this will not, in fact, convince the so-called “birthers” that the President is indeed an actual and legitimate natural born citizen of the United States and is as fully qualified to be the leader of the free world as any random rich white guy from the God Fearin’ Midwest.

I’m also going to say this, if you’re a Birther – and yes, I am talking to you and you know who you are – you’re just plain nuts. Nuts, stark staring bonkers, a pilgrim to Whatthefuckistan, due for a thorazine enema and a nice new straightjacket. Nuts, like Michael Jackson contemplating plastic surgery nuts.

I.e. You’re a fucking loon. Your wife is a loon. And your children are little loons. Your friends are loons and your dog is probably a loon too. The people who go to your church are loons. You’re like a big flock of crazy chattering loons who get together for loon potlucks where they serve loon in loon sauce with a side of loon salad.

And once again - since you seem to think that repetition is the key to communication - you’re goofy.

You’re so nuts in point of fact, that you make actual crazy people look sane (seriously here, Birthers, when you start ranting that Crazypants Anne is too liberal – when Anne Coulter is the voice of reason in the room and Geraldo Rivera looks like an actual and responsible journalist in comparison - well, then you are on the Crazy Bus careening down the road to Bugfuck Town and the brakes have failed).

But seriously, why stop there? If you’re going to do the crazy dance, go all in. Like Klinger on those old M.A.S.H episodes, put on the dress. Put it on. The sun bonnet too. And the high heels. I mean if you’re going to ride the Bugfuck Coaster of Doom, do it screaming and with your hands above your head. Buy a T-shirt and the commemorative coffee cup (perfect for Teabaggers). Get your picture taken with Alan Keyes, it’s only five dollars more.

Not to rain on Crazy Pride Days or anything, but I have a minor quibble, I think the problem here is that “Birther” is too general a term.

Maybe what we need here is some schism in Church Birther, some different categories so every bat guano eating fruitcake can find his or her niche in the movement:

Alien Baby Birthers: for people who believe that Obama is really an alien reptile from Zeta Reticuli in a rubber human suit, which as you know would make him completely ineligible to hold office due to the Constitutional clause specifying that Americans be, in fact, warm blooded and not eat mice alive and whole.

Reformed Alien Baby Birthers: Those people who watched too many episodes of the X-Files while snorting Tester’s Model Cement and believe that Obama is actually an alien reptile/human hybrid vice a full blooded scaly invader from outer space.

NoBirthers: Those who believe Obama wasn’t, in fact, born at all – but was created in the secret biological laboratories of the Kenyan ACLU hidden deep in the grassy plains of the Serengeti as part of a centuries old plot on the part of the Masai Illuminati to conquer the world.

Belly Button Birthers: Those who believe that Obama did not actually have a father, but is in fact an early example of cross-sex cloning. These folks demand that Obama provide his belly button for examination and verification of actual natural gestation inside an actual natural human woman. A number of these folks claim to have seen pictures of Obama’s Belly Button and that it looked “totally Photoshopped.”

RoboBirthers: Those who are firmly convinced that Obama is a auto-animatronic robot built by Walt Disney before his death, which now carries Walt’s mental engrams through the process of neural transference worked out by former-Nazi engineers captured at the end of the war by Disney World Operatives. The mental transference was performed in the World of Tomorrow labs and was the basis for the Disney movie Return to Witch Mountain.

ManchurianBirthers: Those people who believe that Obama is really a Soviet sleeper weapon leftover from the Cold War, a brainwashed automaton created by the KGB in the 60’s and then left, forgotten like a suitcase nuke in an East Berlin pawn shop, after the Wall came down. Someday the Hotline will ring and Putin will issue the self-destruct command and grease Palin’s ride into the Oval Office.

AfterBirthers: Those who believe that Obama and Arnold Schwarzenegger are really twins separated at birth, like in the movie Twins – only Obama is Danny DeVito.

And finally,

American Birthers: Those crazy heretical bastards who believe that Obama is actually a natural born American citizen and the legitimate 44th President of the United States.

(Go on, Readers, make up a few of your own, it’s fun)

Seriously, Birthers, if it sounds like I don’t respect your beliefs and that I am in fact ridiculing you, there’s a good reason for that – it’s because I don’t respect your beliefs and I am, in fact, ridiculing you.

I know, I know, but I feel it important to state the obvious.


* Note: I think that instead of a law like the Birther Bill proposed by Rep Bill Posey (R-Fl) and supported by goofs like Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK), what we actually need is a law that makes conspiracy nuts like the Birthers wear a shirt with the word “Idiot” spelled out in big block letters both front and back, a pointy hat with a propeller on it, and one of those beepers like they’ve got on heavy equipment to alert us when the crazy people enter a room.

17 comments:

  1. HoaxBirthers, who believe the President is actually a CGI construct (like the moon landing and photos of Mars) secretly controlled by the token Douglas County Liberal Democrat(s).

    Hee.

    I wonder if these folks realize how utterly ridiculous they look to the rest of the population (why, yes, Representative Posey, I am looking at you.)?

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  2. The ones I know actually seem to think they are not in fact crazypants looking at all. They act like belief in the birther screed is a normal thing, like beliving in UFOs or LHC spawned black holes. They speak of the anti christ like it is a fact and they expect the Rapture at any minute. They're nuts and their beliefs are fucking stupid. They are racists and liberal haters and they just don't want to admit it.

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  3. Copy of Original Copy Birthers, won't believe he's a natural born American until the original type-written Birth Certificate is sent to each and every American for personal confirmation. Anything other than 250 million mailed original certificates produced in 1961 will be further evidence of the coverup.

    Argue with that motherfuckers!

    P.S. Klinger...with a "K". How am I supposed to trust a guy who can't even keep his MASH characters straight...especially the crossdressers!

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  4. OK, you went to IMDB and looked that up just so's you'd have something to bitch about, didn't you. Go on, admit it.

    how am I supposed to trust a guy...?

    Dude, seriously, I was a Warrant, you'd be crazy to trust me. Crazy. Like a loon.

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  5. I'm afraid to ask this, but here we go...

    Who is "Jim Wright BB?"

    And I'm crazy like a fox, thank you very much.

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  6. Um, that's me from the Blackberry. I'd set up a handle "Jim Wright BB" so I could tell computers apart when I was testing things the other day and forget to fix it. Thanks, Janiece.

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  7. Or that could have been Jim Wright, Birthday Boy. Or Bongy Boingy. Or Best Buy. Or his alias Betty Boop.

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  8. Or Belligerent Boy. Or Bitter Bastard. Or Butter Ball.

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  9. In my head it's the comic book fight sound effect biff biff

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  10. Not that facts mean much, but in that video of that woman self-righteously holding up her Baggie of her own documentation, I recall that she said she had her birth certificate issued by the United States government. Now most of the nuts can't stand the US gov't., so I don't know why this would be proof. But here's a hint: If you have a birth certificate issued by the United States government, uh, can you HAVE a birth certificate issued by the United States government? Also, why wouldn't a Certificate of Life Birth, showing that someone was in fact born in Hawaii, not be good -- despite (whispering) it not actually being called a "Birth Certificate"?

    Dr. Phil

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  11. They don't call her Crazy Eileen for nothing, Doc.

    Now, where do I get a Federal Birth Certificate?

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  12. I would assume that someone delivered from military or dependent on a foreign soil US base would have documentation from the DoD. I simply don't know who else would/could issue it?

    Birth Certificates don't mean much either. I have one for my son that says he was born in X from my wife YZ on a certain day. The problem is that was 4.5 years before YZ laid eyes on the little bugger. She adopted him some years after we married. The state he was born in sent, with out being asked, an altered birth certificate.

    I have been told, by a usually reliable source, that the SCOTUS vote to not hear the first case of this was 8-1

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  13. The freeze-dried whackaloon quotient continues to rise. I blame the fact that we had to close most state mental institutions.

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  14. LoneBirthers: who believe that this is not the result of a vast conspiracy, but was the result of one man, acting alone, who came up with the idea while sitting on a grassy knoll.

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  15. Your categories of birthers miss the only true theory of Obama Laden's true origins.

    As Myron Fagan explains so lucidly in his expose of The Illuminati and the Council of Foreign Relations the plot to control the Federal Government of the USA was conceived by corrupt Kennedy, the Warburgs and the Rothschilds (Rothschildren?). Of course, as well documented, the details of this particular plot were first devised by Adam Weishaupt a Jesuit-trained professor of canon law, teaching in Engelstock University, when he defected from Christianity to embrace the luciferian conspiracy in 1770. The conspirators had to wait until modern times for the technology to become available to implement their nefarious plot. As is well known Weishaupt also laid out plans to bring about the current recession in order to cause the destruction of Christian values in the greatest nation on earth, which is as I'm sure we all know is Canada, eh?

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  16. NTSC: I would assume that someone delivered from military or dependent on a foreign soil US base would have documentation from the DoD.

    Well, OK, babies born on an Overseas US Military Base do have a Federal Birth Certificate, issued by the State Department through the local Embassy or Consulate - federal form FS-240. Additionally there may be other certificates - in John McCain's case for example, he would have been issued a Panama Canal Zone Birth Certificate.

    Here's the funny thing about that, people bring up the fact that McCain was born on a Navy base, but what they completely miss is that at the time, the Canal Zone was actually US territory. McCain was born on a US Navy base, in a US Navy hospital, in an unincorporated US territory. In 1937, Congress passed an act that specifically declared all children born to US Nationals in the Canal Zone were natural born US citizens - hence the special Canal Zone birth certificate. McCain was born in 36, but the law is retroactive to 1904 when the US built the canal and took over the zone.

    The fact that McCain was born on a Navy base is irrelevant. He was born to US citizens in the Canal Zone, by specific law that makes him a natural born US citizen.

    The Canal Zone was declared neutral by treaty in 77, and was returned to Panama in 79 and the law changed.

    I've been there, it's a pretty incredible place. Panama City is very nice (downtown is anyway, the surrounding slums are pretty horrifying). The Canal itself is amazing. I spent some time at Fort Amador. I've got some great pictures of the Bridge of the Americas and the Mirafloras and the Gatun locks on the Pacific side, I'll have to dig those out and post them.

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  17. I've been through the Panama Canal, don't remember the ship name, a Holland America liner. Very impressive, some work of engineering.

    Several people, including Richard Halliburton have swam the length including the locks. He was charged 36 cents based on displacement as any other vessel would be.

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