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Sunday, December 13, 2009

Things that Chap My Ass About Christmas

It’s Socialist.

Really, think about it for a minute.

Christmas is just a big old pile of steaming liberalism.

Take this guy, Santa Claus.

Santa was never elected, he apparently just took over the whole process when nobody was looking. 

He wears a red suit. Duh.

Claus sounds a lot like Claws. And a claw looks a lot like a sickle, which as everybody knows is the symbol of communism.  He’s got the population under continuous surveillance, and he keeps lists of people based on some arbitrary socialist measure of good and bad.  People stand in line to see him, in fact there are queues everywhere during the Christmas season – and standing in line is one of the defining pillars of socialism.

Then there’s the whole gift thing. He apparently sneaks into your house at night - without a warrant or probable cause or any kind of Constitutional controls, I mean you don’t need to be sent to a reeducation camp to see this do you?  And he leaves presents for the “good” kids based on some kind of arcane request system – which to me sounds a heck of a lot like “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need” – and the presents are made in some kind of collective factory run by an oppressed ethnic workforce.  And the “bad” kids? They get a lump of coal – the very symbol of the lumpenproletariat – it’s like he’s just rubbing your face in it, isn’t it?

Next there’s the whole green vehicle thing. Santa’s sleigh runs on hay and grain like something Ed Bagley Jr. would drive to his weekly party meetings at the Al Gore I Hate America Sustainable Headquarters. And reindeer? Where do they come from? Right, exactly, Russia!

And this entire political apparatus is propped up on the backs of the workers, who are expected to support the power structure with the fruits of their labor – i.e. they are forced to give up a portion of their grain and dairy production in the form of cookies and milk – in support of the entire society. What’s next, socialized healthcare? My God, before you know it, we’ll be living in Canada!

You have only to look around, shake off the shackles of oppression, to see it:

Music: Heroic music has long been a tool of the power elite.  Designed to lull the masses into a malleable state of submission through endless repetition.  Two months of Joan Jett’s Little Drummer Boy and Dogs Barking Jingle Bells will turn all but staunchest anarchist into a pudding-brained drone.  People will band together in collectives and go door to door spreading the propaganda of socialism through the vehicle of “Christmas carols.”  The more easily influenced will actually leave their homes and join the mob of carolers like Bolshevik peasants joining the October Revolution.  

And speaking of the the Mob: Have you been in the stores during the holiday season?  The shelves are stripped bare by crazed crowds driven to a frenzy by the sounds of Carol of the Bells blaring from every speaker in the nation.  Let the rumor spread that Wal-Mart might have a new shipment in from the state factories and mile long lines form almost instantly. What is it? Zhu-Zhu Hamsters? Fisher-Price’s Elmo Live Encore? Toilet Paper? Shoes? Cabbages? We don’t care! Get in line!  Wait, what’s that? black market Twilight Barbies sold from the back of a nondescript truck? I’ll take two, Comrade!

The Secret Police: If mind numbing music wasn’t enough, while you’re standing in line for hours on end you get to listen to the endless ringing of little bells. It’s the Salvation Army, Santa’s intelligence gathering arm. They’re everywhere, on every corner, in every store, always watching like the pervasive surveillance system they are.  Shaking you down, demanding a cut, all in order to “redistributing the wealth.”

Socialist Art: The symbols of this Socialist Season are everywhere. Armies of giant inflatable Frosty The Snowmen and Santas dominate the landscape like those concrete statues of Marx and Lenin that once filled the squares of Moscow.  Yesterday I saw a pickup truck that had its “Truck Nutz” replaced with two large red mirrored balls and a garland of tinsel – my friends, when the state comes for your testicles, you’re living under the jackbooted heel of communism. 

Propaganda: The socialists are piping their message directly into the minds of our children. The airwaves are filled with TV specials like that one with the Island of Misfit toys, a not so subtle reference to Gulags and the fate of those who don’t fit in. Who can fail to see the subliminal message in the final climatic battle scene when the imperialists subvert The People’s Heroic Heat Miser into a decadent display of dancing?  Or how about when that communist Charlie Brown attempts to convince the gang that his miserable substandard shrub is really a beautiful Christmas tree? For the love of the Almighty Dollar, people, open your eyes!

Fruitcake.  Yes, I know, you were wondering where the hammer in the “hammer and sickle” was.  Look no further than this abomination.  When the revolution comes, it will be fruitcake that smashes the windows and staves in the head of the free man, mark my words.

And finally:

 image

Coincidence?  Not bloody likely, folks, not bloody likely.


 

Note: Sarah Palin is in town for a book signing and Jim is suffering a reaction to the excess Conservatism that is currently smothering the MatSu Valley like an oily gray oppressive blanket of stinking fog. Please be patient, things will return to normal shortly.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

One of Those WTF? Moments…

Google New Aggregator

Because White People Really Can’t Tell the Difference

image

 

I clipped this from the Google News home page yesterday. 

I clicked on the Wil Smith picture, just to see if it actually did lead to an Obama related news article at the Washington Post – it did, sort of.

 

Also, Burl Ives is apparently resigning from the Senate…

 

 


Uh, no – I’m not accusing Google of racism or malice aforethought.  Obviously this is just an artifact of the perversity of search algorithms.   I just thought it was amusing. 

Partied Out

OK, I’m done with Christmas parties now.

I’ve used up all my social for this season.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

About the Lack of Posting

As you may have noticed, these been a marked decrease in posting around here this last few days.

As in none.

Sorry about that.

Been terribly busy. Had a kid type crisis to deal with. Late night Emergency Room visit and follow up specialist appointments yesterday for what we thought might be an eye related injury - nothing to worry about, as it turns out. No physical injury despite getting elbowed in the eye, Monday in gym class. His eyes are perfect (better actually, at 20/15) but he suffered an episode of visual disruption. The episode, as it turns out, probably indicates the onset of visual affect migraines (which I guess is better than the detached retina I was worried about). He's the right age for it, and both his mother and I suffer from them (though I don't get visual effects other than light sensitivity). I can't tell you how much this thrills us.

And then last night I was at the Alaska Natural History Museum until late, for my wife's company's annual Christmas party. Awesome food, fancy clothes, live music, great company - forgive me if I'd rather do that than sit in front of the computer. Not that I don't love each and every one of you in your own special way, but seriously folks the dessert bar alone (chocolate dipped strawberries and cheesecake) could have made me give up writing forever and become a professional glutton. Afterward we had a 70 miles drive home in ice fog and didn't get in until midnight - so, you know, no blogging.

Anyway, we will now resume our regularly scheduled broadcast.

Later this evening.

Maybe.

Unless something comes up.

Not that that ever happens.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Look! Up in the Sky! It’s Super Bestest American!

I swear, you just can’t make this shit up.

I promised myself I wouldn’t write another damned thing about Palin.

It’s not like the silly self involved git isn’t getting enough press already.

And then I saw this:

image

Yes, it’s a new children’s book by Katharine DeBrecht entitled Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country!

From the author of Help! Mom! Liberals Are Hiding Under My Bed! comes “a hilarious and entertaining way for parents to sit down with their children and teach them the origins of the new Tea Party movement and the importance of standing up for liberty and the American Dream.”

The book tells the tale of two young boys (and a rat, if the picture above is accurate - one presumes he’s a Tea Bagger) who want to set up a swing set business but are stymied by the radicals who have taken over the good old God blessed USA. Follow along with struggling young entrepreneurs Tommy and Lou (and a rat) as they fight radicals, progressives, liberals, Satan, and the Ghost of Ted Kennedy. Along the way they meet “246 czars, onerous regulations, and sky-high taxes.”

Enter Governor Sarah, defender of truth, justice, and little Red White and Blue babies (Well, only white, but hey it sounded good), who helps the boys (and a rat) stand up for freedom. Along the way, she’s attacked by fiendish journalists but manages to fend them off with her razor like wit in time to help Tommy and Lou (and a rat) beat the big meany President Obundus.

In an interview with Foxnews (seriously, who else? Right?) DeBrecht says that she’s not just trying to reach children, "I am trying to let all Americans know that these radicals are killing the American Dream, and I want to stop them from hurting people that produce products and provide jobs.”

DeBrecht then further opines, “We need to let our kids know that it is wrong to spread rumors and lies. Unfortunately, many so-called journalists have basically told children that this is permissible as long as you disagree with someone's opinions.

You know, I think she just might be onto something here. Like Ole’ PT said, there’s a sucker born every minute and they’re lining up twenty deep to kiss Palin’s teabag. I bet DeBrecht could crank out a whole series of these things. Sort of a Harry Potter meets Glenn Beck at a Birther Rally kind of deal.

It’ll be huge.

Help! Mom! Ethnic People Are Stinking Up The White House!

Tommy and Lou join a nice conservative activist organization, now calling themselves Wolfgang and Skullcrusher, they lament the good old days, when men were men and minorities were livestock. Governor Sarah explains that black people come from Africa and therefore aren’t real Americans. The book ends with a discussion of forensic techniques and how they can be ignored when it comes to birth certificates from godless heathen states like Hawaii.

Help! Mom! Queers are Making a Mockery Of My Marriage!

The boys visit some famous TV Evangelical Ministries and Governor Sarah comes along to explain the joys of abstinence only birth control and how Barney Frank makes Jesus cry.

Help! Mom! Political Correctness Is Leeching the Enjoyment Out Of My Bigotry!

Governor Sarah teaches the boys about how those darn oversensitive minorities are ruining America. Wolfgang and Skullcrusher then beat up some gay liberals who they think look like they might have called the Govna’s kid a “retard.”

Help! Mom! Fascist Gun Control Is Ruining My Constitution!

Wolfgang and Skullcrusher join the Michigan Militia and contemplate revolution, only Governor Sarah explains that it’s not really revolution if you’re shooting liberals for Jesus. Governor Sarah gives them some pointers on how to take back America for real Americans. The book ends with a dream sequence, Governor Sarah as Commander In Chief, in Wonder Woman leotard, leading Marines against abortion clinics…

Help! Mom! Lazy Shiftless Poor People Are Stealing My Healthcare!

Governor Sarah teaches the boys how healthcare is a birthright from God for congressmen and those with million dollar book deals. Though unemployed since the collapse of their Aryan Nation Swing Set Company, Wolfgang and Skullcrusher enthusiastically embrace Governor Sarah’s Don’t Get Sick Healthcare Plan. Governor Sarah teaches the boys how to help poor people by shouting “Get a job, Hippies!”

Well, hell, look at that, it turns out you can just make this shit up.

Monday, December 7, 2009

A Day of Infamy

Today is Pearl Harbor day in the United States.

It's a significant day for those of us who are of US Naval inclination.

I thought about what I would write today, and realized that I don't have much to say beyond what I said in my post from two years ago, Remembering December 7th.

Take a moment, sometime today, and remember those who gave all so that the rest of us may be free.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Sunrise

 

Looking out my sunroom window, down over the valley towards Pioneer Peak.

image

What’s your Saturday morning looking like?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Donald Rumsfeld, Cockroaches, and Getting the Hell out of Afghanistan

Or

Why Setting An Exit Date For Afghanistan is Sound Military Strategy

 

Donald Rumsfeld is pissed.

Seems he has taken exception to the President’s statement that the Bush Administration, including Rumsfeld, didn’t provide proper support to the military.

Specifically, Rumsfeld disputes this line in President Obama’s Afghanistan strategy speech,

Commanders in Afghanistan repeatedly asked for support to deal with the reemergence of the Taliban, but these reinforcements did not arrive…

Rumsfeld emerged from his secret lair like a trapdoor spider surging from its hidey-hole to issue the following response,

“Such a bald misstatement, at least as it pertains to the period I served as secretary of defense, deserves a response. I am not aware of a single request of that nature between 2001 and 2006. If any such requests occurred, "repeated" or not, the White House should promptly make them public.”

It’s not surprising that in Rumsfeld’s red sky world that such requests never occurred.

Rumsfeld always defined his own reality and never bothered with the opinions of others. He created his own ground truth whole cloth when military intelligence didn’t say what he wanted, going so far as to create his own private intelligence agency in the Pentagon specifically designed to bypass the entire US Intelligence system and conditioned to provide only the tailored intelligence estimates that said exactly what Rumsfeld wanted them to say. Rumsfeld routinely denigrated and publically belittled those who tried to provide him with contradicting viewpoints – considering his own opinions superior to those of actual military experts.

So, again, it’s not at all surprising that this twisted, vindictive, arrogant son of a bitch wouldn’t be “aware of a single request of that nature” because he either never heard it - because he never bothered to listen to his subordinates - or he dismissed it from his memory, as he constantly did when he heard things that contradicted his worldview.

It is not necessary that “the White House should promptly” make public such records that refute Rumsfeld’s claims  – they already are.

At the beginning of the Iraq war, then Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, General Eric Shinseki publically stated before Congress that in his professional military opinion as America’s senior military commander, it would take “possibly several hundred thousand troops” to hold and secure Iraq following an invasion.  This directly contradicted Rumsfeld’s dictate that the country would be secured with as few as ten thousand.  Rumsfeld essentially fired the General for having the audacity to disagree and then publicly ridiculed him.

Astute readers will notice that in Rumsfeld’s refutation, quoted above, he specifically referred to Afghanistan and did not mention Iraq, and that my example of the Shinseki incident is about Iraq and not Afghanistan – on the surface it would appear that I’m moving the goalposts, but I’m not. The two combat zones are irrevocably intertwined at the Secretary of Defense level – i.e. the strategic decision maker layer of the Chain of Command.  Strategic decisions in one battlespace both directly and indirectly affect the other because there are only so many assets to go around. Rumsfeld’s decision to lowball the Iraqi invasion and occupation against the specific recommendation of his generals was a purely political decision that led directly to the Iraqi insurgency and the corresponding requirement to divert more and more assets and personnel to that battlespace at the expense of Afghanistan – and which led directly to denial of requests for additional forces in that same battlespace.  Additionally, Rumsfeld’s arrogant public dismissal of his senior and most experienced general – a highly decorated Vietnam combat veteran with extensive training, education, and experience in the very things necessary to take and hold territory – speaks directly to the level of support that military commanders could expect from Rumsfeld and the Bush Administration. That humiliating public dismissal of Shinseki was a direct message to the military, don’t disagree with Rumsfeld. Period, or you will be made an example of.  I have no doubt whatsoever as to the source of Rumsfeld’s contempt for general officers. See, he served on active duty with the US Navy from 1954 to 1957 and was trained as a pilot. In 57 he transferred to the reserves and rose to the rank of Captain, retiring in 1989.  He never flew in combat, despite serving through the height of the Vietnam war, and he never made Admiral.  It must have given him no end of secret satisfaction to have final and complete power over those officers who accomplished what he had not and who once had ordered him about. Rumsfeld always considered himself superior to those men, and now he was. Rumsfeld didn’t ask what his troops needed, he told them, just as he told General Tommy Franks to reduce his troops estimates. 

Rumsfeld can make the claim he does above, because he created a climate where his reality was the only reality – and one he’s still living in – and those that dared oppose him were removed and made an example of.

When his vision failed the acid test, instead of accepting responsibility for his actions as a real Navy Captain would have done, he blamed us, the military. And then his scorn was not reserved for the generals.  In a townhall style meeting in Iraq in December 2004, Rumsfeld responded to this question from Army Specialist Thomas Wilson:

“Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to up-armor our vehicles? And why don’t we have those resources readily available to us?”

by replying

“It isn't a matter of money. It isn't a matter on the part of the army of desire. It's a matter of production and capability of doing it. As you know, ah, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time. You can have all the armor in the world on a tank and it can still be blown up...”

And that, right there, is how Rumsfeld responded to requests from the military.  Fuck you, suck it up, Soldier. 

I cannot tell you how offensive we in the military found that comment.  It is a mark of the professionalism of the United States military that Rumsfeld didn’t suffer an “accident” during his visit to the warzone.

Rumsfeld is technically correct in his refutation to President Obama’s assertion, but you need to read Rumsfeld’s statement carefully, it is a masterwork of information management – note how he carefully avoids any mention of Iraq, or the overall “Global War On Terrorism” (thereby limiting the scope of his statement to a specific area, without actually stating it), and how he is very careful to specify a specific timeframe (and thereby exclude the military request for 20,000 additional troops by Afghan Campaign Commander General David McKiernan in 2008, a request that was refused by the Bush administration due to the surge in Iraq  - and strangely not a single conservative Congressman or pundit raised a fuss over that.  Careful, Folks, don’t step in the hypocritical bullshit. Those troops were not available specifically because of decisions made by Donald Rumsfeld – who by that time was long gone like the aforementioned trapdoor spider, hidden in his hole and washing his cold bloody hands of the mess he’d left us).

Rumsfeld also specifically avoids mentioning his failure to fund and issue proper equipment, or the withholding of special systems and support and assets. Or his office’s abject failure to plan for post-invasion occupation and reconstruction of either Iraq or Afghanistan – and how that failure directly led to the rising insurgency in both countries and how that in turn directly led to the deaths of 6000+ servicemen.  Rumsfeld cannily fails to mention why his office was able to fund Blackwater Security and Haliburton and KBR and Cheney’s other pals in the defense industry to the tune of hundreds of billions of dollars, but could not afford basic body armor or properly armored vehicles for American troops as voiced by Specialist Wilson above.

Rumsfeld finished his rebuttal Tuesday with,

The President's assertion does a disservice to the truth and, in particular, to the thousands of men and women in uniform who have fought, served and sacrificed in Afghanistan

The only person doing a disservice to the truth here is Donald Rumsfeld, and as far as dishonoring the troops, well, perhaps it would put things in perspective if you remember that Rumsfeld’s decisions killed far more US service members than Osma bin Ladin has. 

Frankly when I hear Rumsfeld talk about those of us who fought, served, and sacrificed it makes me want to puke.  Personally, I hold Donald Rumsfeld in the same degree of contempt as Vietnam vets reserve for Hanoi Jane and Robert McNamara – and at least both of those assholes lived long enough to eventually regret their actions and apologize, Rumsfeld will die unrepentant.

Neither Rumsfeld nor any member of the Bush Administration have any business whatsoever voicing advice on how to pursue this war. They got us into this, they screwed the pooch on it – led by that arrogant prick Rumsfeld – they bent every single one of us in uniform over the barrel and they completely failed to extricate us from it or clean up their own mess.  Now they want to offer advice? 

Press Secretary Bob Gibbs’ off the cuff response to Rumsfeld is a beautifully crafted ironic fuck you, Don,

“You go to war with the Defense Secretary you have…”

It is unsurprising that members of the former Bush Administration and members of the Republican party are up in arms over the President’s plan for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and in particular the fact that the President appears to have set an end date for the conflict in Afghanistan.

Setting a date is something conservatives have all resisted for the last eight years.

They have repeatedly failed to establish realistic goals, or determine what it is that we intend to accomplish with this war.  Instead they offer up vague generalities.  We’ll stand down when they stand up.  We’ll stay the course.  These fuzzy and meaningless statements reflect fuzzy and superficial thinking, poor planning, and lack of specific objectives. You don’t send your kids into the meat grinder with a plan based on fucking sound bites.

In previous conflicts the end state was obvious, obtain an acknowledgement of sovereignty from the King of England, force the unconditional surrender of Germany and Japan, push invading forces from Kuwait, and so on. The objectives were clearly defined and understood by all. Victory was obvious.

But what is the end state of this war on terrorism?  What is the end state of the conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan?  Neither Bush nor any of his band of cronies ever bothered to define that condition.  They took us into a war without end, like the perpetual state of conflict in Orwell’s 1984.  There is no victory, worse, there can be no victory as we traditionally define it.  There will be no Emperor of Terrorism or Pirate King to bow over his sword and command the surrender his forces on the deck of a US Battlewagon.  There will be no dictator to commit suicide in his bunker or mountain cave as our tanks roll victorious through the shattered streets his capital and whose second in command will surrender the rag-tag teenaged remnants of his once mighty forces. 

We can kill bin Laden, but terrorism will not end. 

We could kill every last member of Al Qaeda, but terrorism will not end.

We could burn Afghanistan down to the bedrock and salt the ashes – and it will not end.

So, what then is victory?

Victory in this case must be a functioning government with power to control and police its territory – whether or not that is a democracy is irrelevant. 

Victory in this case must be those things that we can realistically accomplish. To paraphrase the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer of serenity, Lord, give us the serenity accept the things we cannot change and the courage to change the things we can – and the wisdom to know the difference.  We must do what we can to assure our own security, to help those whose countries we’ve torn asunder, and bring an end to this conflict – it is our moral duty to do so as Americans.  But we must also understand that we cannot fix the world, we have neither the right nor the ability nor the resources to remake the world in our own image, we cannot impose freedom and democracy by fiat, and we cannot wipe out terrorism once and for all.  We will never be completely safe, ever. 

Terrorists are like cockroaches.  You can’t kill them all.  You can’t eradicate them completely.  Wipe them out, and they will seemly spontaneously generate from thin air to scuttle about in the dark and feast on the crumbs of the world.  The best you can do is to control their population, get it down to manageable levels.   When you have an explosion of roaches you call in an exterminator, he fumigates the house and kills the pests where they live.  Then he leaves.  And you then keep your house clean, you bleach the floors, you take out the trash, you put out traps, and you stomp on the fuckers whenever you see them.  You don’t demand that the exterminator to move in with you. The exterminator doesn’t hang around, day after day, for years on end until he’s killed every last bug and made certain that no bug will ever again set filthy appendage on your property.

But he also doesn’t just bail out on you either, not if he’s an ethical businessman and a man of his word. He doesn’t leave you holding the bag - blowing up your house in the process and leaving his poison and equipment laying about and the roach population undiminished and scurrying towards the surrounding neighborhood houses.

And so it is with Afghanistan.

There must be an end state. There must come a time when we, as the exterminator, turn the task of vermin management over to the homeowners.  Now, later, an end state must be set – but we also have a responsibility to put the property back in some semblance of order, and to give the property owner an estimate of when we’ll be done with the job we were hired to do.

Setting this date has risks.  It assumes that we will get the cockroach population down to manageable size by the time we leave and that the homeowner will be able to assume responsibility for keeping his own house in order without our constant help. There is always this risk.  Always.  Whether it happens now, or later.  Delaying changes that not at all, it only changes the degree of risk – but that state will never be zero.

Establishing a date gives us, and the Afghans, a target to aim at. A goal.  Without such a goal, you have no metric to measure against to determine progress.  Without a goal, you go through the motions simply to go through the motions.  We don’t fight just to fight, we didn’t invade just to invade, we didn’t send our sons and daughters to die just to watch them die – we have to have a goal, an objective. Setting a date gives us a metric to hang the rest of our exit strategy on.

Listen, when we invaded the beach at Normandy, General Eisenhower didn’t say, “Well, it’ll take however long it takes to secure that beachhead, could be years, could be decades. Hell if we establish a date, the Nazi’s will just wait us out!”  No, the Allied commanders established very specific timeframes for each phase of the operation and for good reason – it gave their commanders specific goals and objectives to aim for, to build the rest of the plan around.

Establishing that date tells us what to plan for, it allows Congress to budget for the mission, it tells the military what to budget for and where to place assets and whether or not to commit assets held in reserve. 

Establishing a date makes the public part of the process and tells them how much longer they’ll have to commit their children and tax dollars to this fight.  It’s one thing to tell the public, stiff upper lip eighteen months and we can begin to bring our people home, it’s another thing entirely to keep saying, well we just don’t know could be a year could be ten years.  You want the public’s support you better be a tad more specific.  Don’t think specific goals and dates are important to public opinion? Don’t think that specific dates are important to world opinion? Don’t think those dates are important to the military and morale and public support?  Then you don’t understand either people or politics.  The day after the establishment of that goal by President Obama, our allies committed an additional 7,000 troops to fight alongside us – bringing the surge to nearly 40,000.  Those conservatives who condemned Obama for touring Europe and Asia and apologizing for our previous behavior and for acting like an ally and friend instead of an arrogant jackass – this is the result, willing support, 7000 more troops, from our allies to help protect your sons and daughters. In some cases those commitments are nearly the sum total of that ally’s reserve.  That’s right. You damn well ought to get down on your knees and give thanks that you have leader willing to mend fences and build bridges and do what it takes to get that support – because that support will directly and measurably increase the safety of your sons and daughters in uniform and help to ensure their success – and thereby significantly improve their odds of coming home outside of an aluminum box.  Obama bowed low, he shook hands, he apologized, and he asked for help instead of demanding it and he just damn well may have saved your kid’s life in the process – ask yourself if Donald Rumsfeld would have done that when he wasn’t even willing to send your kids to war with a bulletproof vest or armored vehicles. Ask yourself if George W. Bush would have done that? Or Sarah Palin? What are you kids worth to them? Not a hell of a lot, not enough to swallow their pride anyway.  For those of you who condemn the President for apologizing to the world, I’ll tell you what Rumsfeld told us, suck it up, Soldier.

Establishing that date tells the Muslim world that we are not the crusading imperialist power they’ve been led to believe we are. Establishing a date directly refutes the claims made by the insurgents, by bin Ladin, and by fear mongers like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who recruit their cannon fodder and local support by pointing to our continuing presence and failure to set a date for withdrawal as evidence of our colonial designs on the Middle East. 

Establishing a date does nothing to give away our intentions or hide our withdrawal. What? Did you think that when it comes time to pull out we were just going to sneak off suddenly in the middle of the night? Surprise!  The insurgents rush in, ready for battle, Allah Ahkb… what the hell? They’re gone! Goddamnit! They tricked us!  Pulling two hundred thousand troops and that many again contractors and their equipment out of Afghanistan is going to be a long drawn out process. There isn’t going to be anything secret about it.  Hell, even if you wanted to keep it a secret you couldn’t – Congress couldn’t keep it a secret if their lives instead of our kids lives depended on it, and they’re the ones that are going to have to pay for it.  Trust me here, there is no way whatsoever to hide when we’re pulling out, there will be hundreds of plane flights, hundreds of transport ships, we’ll be shutting down bases and moving millions of tons of equipment. The insurgents will know long before we go – and to pretend that the situation is anything other than this is just hyperbolic bullshit. That’s the kind of mental masturbation that Rumsfeld and his bosses used to get us into this mess.

And yes, establishing a date now tells the Taliban and Al Qaeda and the rest of the insurgents that we will be leaving for certain.  Conservatives say this will cause the insurgents to lie low, bid their time, and wait us out.

Could be they are right.

I sure hope so.

See, it is a measure of their lack of understanding of history and military strategy that makes these bloviating idiots think that this is somehow a bad thing.

By all means, let the insurgency go to ground for the next eighteen months.

By all means.

First, that will make those that don’t go to ground all the more obvious and easy to hunt down and kill.  There are old terrorists, and bold terrorists, but there are damned few old, bold terrorists.

Second, it lets us concentrate our forces on those aforementioned bold terrorists. The ones that don’t have the sense to get in out of the shitstorm that’s coming when those 40,000 troops arrive in country are doomed.  We should have little trouble mopping them up in short order – thanks to their more cautious brethren giving us the breathing space.

Third, those that go to ground give up the tactical advantage. Understand something here, the insurgents cannot stand against us in a conventional fight.  They only persevere where our control is slight and they have refuge they can retreat to, places to train and breed and rest and plot and plan and rearm and reequip – just like cockroaches scattering under the furniture when the lights come on. Without a safe haven on the Pakistan/Afghanistan boarder, without safe haven in the cities – something the surge will deny them – they have only two options, hide or be destroyed.  Some will attempt to fight, like cockroaches that stay out in the light too long, and as I said above they’ll be destroyed in short order.  Most will choose to hide, to wait us out – exactly as the critics predict.  But what those critics are missing is this: for eighteen months those that hide deed us the high ground. 

That’s eighteen months to build schools and bridges and government and security and win over the population and establish peace.  It gives us eighteen months without these cockroaches spreading their filth and disease and misery – and those that do, well they’ll get hunted down and killed like a game of whack-a-mole.  In eighteen months, done right, the population will be settling into peace, into the normalcy they haven’t had in decades, into stability.  In eighteen months, children will be going to school and many new ones will be born (nothing like a sudden cessation of hostilities to inspire a baby boom), crops will be planted, products will appear on shelves in the stores, broken windows fixed, bullet holes patched, electricity and water and  sewage flowing. Mail delivered.  Jobs in reconstruction.  Again, if done right, if the insurgents go to ground for the next eighteen months, they will give the population a year and half of breathing room – imagine then, how hard it will be to convince Afghans that they should give that up and return to the desolation of war.  The Americans are leaving, what then is their motivation? Why join the insurgents? Why give them haven?

In eighteen months, done right, the insurgents will emerge from their holes to discover that they quit the battle – and thereby lost the war.

In eighteen months we will have cut down the roach population, with the unwitting cooperation of the roaches themselves, to a level the homeowners can manage themselves.  And then we can finally extricate ourselves from this conflict.

And that, my friends, is why establishing a public date for the end of this conflict is so damned important.

The critics have it right, they just don’t understand strategic opportunity when they see it.

Now, if only Rumsfeld will crawl back into his hole for the next year…

I think I’m Coming Down With Something

Because I’m dead tired again tonight, and have been all day.

Seriously, as I mentioned on Twitter earlier in the day, I feel like my local gravity field has increased by at least 10%. 

Throat is a little scratchy and I feel like crap.

 

I intended to tell you all why setting a date for exiting Afghanistan is sound military strategy that works to our advantage and why the angry Republican members of Congress and the conservative pundits (none of which, Congress Critters or Blathering Heads, know a fucking thing about military strategy) are talking out their collective asses (but hey, why should that stop them, I mean wouldn’t you follow Rush into battle? Doh!).

But my brain is on the fritz tonight (and unlike the aforementioned buffoons, I know not to write when my brain is fritzy).

Instead I spent the night in the shop turning a large walnut bowl.  I have a commission for three of these, and the first one is now complete – and it is fantastic. 

I’ll put up pictures of it tomorrow or the next day along with my take on why setting a date for Afghan exit is a good thing.

Now bed.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Ask Stonekettle Station

Today’s featured extra special search phrase, swear to God:

Where can I get shots to give me a big butt?

Dunkin Donuts?

J.Lo’s plastic surgeon?

A Tijuana clinic?

Your spam queue?

Congress?

 

The internet, the culmination of 10,000 years of scientific and cultural advance, and this is what you use it for?

Yes, well, that and porn of course.

Sigh.

No Post Tonight

I'm tired.

I'm just going to sit here and watch Terminator Salvation.

See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A Short Analysis of the Obama Afghanistan Speech

Fuckin’ A.

Thank you and good night.

 

 

 

 

What?

Oh, you want more?

Fine, I wish I’d heard that speech, oh, about eight years ago

I wish to hell that about eight years ago we’d had a president who put the same amount of deliberation and actual consideration into sending this nation into war. 

The man outlined an actual plan.  An actual fucking plan. With specific objectives, benchmarks, and an end. A plan actually based on ground truth as determined by the commanding general – who also took his time to get it right.  That ground truth is unpleasant and worse than we wanted to hear, a lot worse, and yet it is the situation we must face if we are to succeed.  The president gave the military commander exactly what he wanted, 30,000 more troops – despite the fact that giving the military what it wanted cost Obama personally with his own base and liberal supporters, an act of moral courage that you never, ever saw from the previous occupant of the office – and he outlined a very specific use for those forces.  He spoke to the troops like an actual goddamned commander in chief – he didn’t sugar coat it, he didn’t blow smoke up our asses, and he very specifically reminded the nation what the bill has been so far and what it is likely to be in the future. He didn’t try to scare the nation into forming up some halfbaked wild west posse and he never used the word “emboldened” once. 

His speech reminded me of Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s address before Congress in the days after Pearl Harbor.

His voice rang with confidence and pride in the forces before him, he sounded like he knew what he was talking about because he’d taken the time to educate himself and consult with experts and not party hacks, he sounded like the man in charge - as opposed to the last eight years where the man giving the speech sounded like he was scared shitless.

He very specifically addressed the partisan divide in America, he reminded all of us about our resolve after 911 to stand together, and he reminded us who we are and who the actual enemy is.

I think that the course of action President Obama outlined is exactly right.

What proof do I offer?

Well, first it’s what General McChrystal asked for.

Second, it pissed off the far right – who can’t stand the fact that Obama…uh…ooooh…socialism! Liberals! Ooooh!

Third, It pissed off the far left – because they want us out of Afghanistan and Obama…uh…ooooh…Vietnam! Quagmire! Oooh!

And it pissed off the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and was condemned by the folks at Al Jezeera.

I find no little irony that the far left, the far right, and Al Jezeera are all on the same side here.

No little irony at at all.

 

Was there nothing I took exception too?

Well, OK.  I hate the way Obama says Tallyban and Pokkastan. What the hell is that all about? It freaked me out a little, like when Tina Turner showed up with that weird European accent.

 

But other than that I think his speech was right on. 

I look forward to seeing how the pundits will spin it.

I really do.


My much less flippant and more detailed analysis that specifically looks at publically setting a withdrawal date for Afghanistan can be found here.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Terrorists, Trials, and Petitions

Recently I got an email asking my opinion of an electronic petition.

The petition, circulated via email, protests the White House’s proposed plan to conduct terrorist trials in New York.

There are actually several petitions, one being conducted by Trey Grayson, currently Secretary of State for Kentucky. Trey wants to be a Senator and he figures to rally the base with his little petition. The other one, the one being circulated primarily by email is from a site called iPetition where anybody can float a petition of any kind, from stopping terrorism to stopping Mylie Cryus.

I wasn’t entirely sure whether the writer was asking what I think of electronic petitions or the proposed terrorism trials in New York.

So I’ll answer both.

First, Electronic Petitions:

Personally I think electronic petitions are complete crap and a waste of time. Petitions in general rarely work other than on the local level, they almost never affect the actions of the state or federal government in any way, shape, or form. And in this case, I think they make angry people feel as if they’re doing something, but the truth of the matter is that while 500,000 "signatures" sounds like a lot, it's only a fraction of the national population - and a small enough fraction that politicians can safely ignore it. Politicians routinely ignore the opinions of millions, just as long as those millions are in the opposing party, so why would they pay any attention at all to a petition where the majority of “signatures” aren’t even in their voting district?

And the truth of the matter is that they don’t pay any attention to them at all.

In fact, there is nothing in the law, again at the national level (local governments may have different local laws) that says the government has to pay any attention to a petition no matter how many signatures it contains. We are a representative democracy, i.e. a republic, once elected our leaders are not obligated to bend to the will of the mob - and often don't. If you don’t like that, or what your leaders are deciding in your name, well you can vote them out of office next time around. And in the case of electronic petitions, I think that is a good thing, there’s a reason why our forefathers didn’t set up the United States as a pure democracy and why they didn’t design our government to operate by will of the mob – especially by the will of the mob as expressed by some bogus petition. Up above I said electronic petitions are crap, and crap I meant. There is no way to verify that the "signatures" are valid on an electronic petition, or that the “signatures” are from registered voters or competent adults or even from Americans. And in fact, the “signatures” are not signatures at all, not even electronic ones.

The irony of the electronic petition in this case is that the vast majority of people “signing” it are the same folks who are screaming bloody murder about “voter fraud” and ACORN and “usurpers”, and yet they willingly add their email address to a database that has no oversight or voter verification of any kind. For all they know, 499,000 of those half million signatures could be from illegal aliens.

Also, I really, really, don’t want my name on a list with these illiterate, ignorant, hysterical, mouth breathing dullards (really, read the post and then for an extra treat read the comments – that, my friends, is the NeoCon “Base” right there. These are the folks who intend to vote for Sarah Palin. Wow).

Personally, I think these types of petitions are a singularly useless gesture.

The terrorist trials in New York:

If it was up to me, I'd try them in the wreckage of the WTC, and if found guilty I hang them on a gallows set up dead center on ground zero - right off the top of that one remaining stairway New Yorkers want to turn into a monument.

See terrorists, they believe in gestures, in symbolic actions - which is why they chose the WTC and Pentagon and the White House in the first place. I’d give them a gesture, I would try them in the midst of the carnage they wrought, surrounded by the city and the nation they failed to destroy and the relatives of the victims.

And as a great big old symbolic fuck you to the goddamned terrorists, I’d try them as common criminals.

That’s right.

I wouldn’t call it a terrorist trial. I try them as common hijackers, as common arsonists, as common murders. I’d never mention terrorism or radical Islam and I wouldn’t let them do it either. I wouldn’t let them be martyrs or symbols. No statements, no grandstanding, no posturing. Period. Just as in any trial where the accused wants to make a speech or derail the proceedings or behave in an unruly fashion, he can either behave and stick to the facts and accusations or be put in a room with a big evil tempered bailiff and a closed circuit TV and tried anyway.

However…

I think at this point we are facing a catch-22. The previous administration’s handling of these men – i.e the taint of torture, rendition, Gitmo, extra constitutional means, and the bizarre legal limbo of non-national “enemy combatant” status - has irretrievably fouled the situation.

1) I think it's a mistake to try them in civilian court. I think the evidence is profoundly tainted at this point, and we either have to throw it out and allow for the significant possibility that these men will be set free - not found innocent, mind you, but set free because the evidence against them cannot be used – or we must break our own laws and conduct show trials with the conclusion and assumption of guilt a forgone conclusion, and that will finally destroy any remaining illusion that we are a nation of law and justice in the eyes of our own people and the world – though I have no doubt the knuckle dragging “Patriots” linked to above would approve, which is as good of reason as any to avoid doing this in the first place.

2) I think the concept of a trial by military commission is flawed. I seriously doubt that anybody believes that these men would get a fair and honest trial if tried by military commission (though I do think that they could, depending on the conditions of the tribunal and its makeup). And the world’s perception matters – yes, it does. America needs the rest of the world to fight the real threats, we need the rest of the world if we are to win in Afghanistan, don’t think for one moment that we don’t. We need the rest of the world if we are to eradicate the growing threat of terrorism and piracy off the Horn of Africa for example. Terrorism is an international problem, it requires an international solution and cooperation. If America appears to be a nation who disregards her own law, who disregards international law and agreement, who goes rogue – why then would anyone cooperate with us? And the answer is, they won’t. QED.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, we don’t give these men a fair and honest trial for their sakes, we give them a fair and honest trial for our own sake, for the sake of the United States of America. We are a nation of law, and a nation who adheres to our law and obligations even when they don’t suit us, or we are not. Period.

We’re Americans, we’re supposed to be the good guys.

These men, no matter how evil, must have a fair and non biased trial.

Hopefully followed by a fine hanging.

There was a time when these men could have received a fair and untainted trial in America, we are long past that point – it does no good to fix blame on either the Obama Administration or that of George W. Bush. It is what it now is, and we must find a way to deal with it with in the context of our own law.

Personally, I think at this point, that only solution that satisfies all criteria would be an international war crimes commission.

But Americans won’t stand for that. These men attacked us, and we will have our pound of flesh for 911.

No matter what it costs us in the long run.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Proper Post Thanksgiving Turkey Sandwich

Of course the best part about Thanksgiving is the leftovers.

Turkey soup, and turkey sandwiches, turkey potpie, and turkey omelets and turkey…

You know, now that I think of it, it doesn’t take me long to get sick and tired of turkey leftovers.

Which is why this year we didn’t do a whole turkey. There’s just three of us and we weren’t having anybody over, so instead of a whole bird we just did a turkey roast. No no no, not a turkey “loaf,” gah, a roast. A turkey roast is basically a whole breast and some darkmeat - say about half a good sized bird - deboned. You cook it the same way as you do a whole bird, it takes about three hours.

What? Stuffing?

I don’t stuff a thanksgiving turkey anyway.

I always make the dressing, as opposed to stuffing, in a separate roasting pan. I make my dressing with ground hot sausage and I want to make sure that it’s cooked all the way to 160F. If it’s inside the bird, the outside of the Turkey is usually dried out jerky by the time the middle is done, and the stuffing tends to absorb the juices and turn soggy if it’s inside the bird. So, I make dressing in a separate dish, and fill the inside of the turkey with a mirepoix of aromatic vegetables - celery, onion, carrots – and garlic, sage, and butter.

In this case, since we were doing a roast, I packed the mirepoix and spices around the outside of the meat and covered the whole thing in foil. It worked like a charm and the resulting juices, mixed with cream, flour, parsley, spices, and white wine, make the best turkey gravy ever.

The roast came out excellent and gave us just enough turkey leftovers for two or three days.

Perfect.

Now I know what you’re thinking, Woot! Pass the mayo and the Wonderbread, it’s turkey sandwich time.

It seems some folks just don’t know how to make a good sandwich.

Allow me to enlighten you.

Start with flatbread. Add turkey and good Swiss cheese like Tillamook.

Place in the sandwich press until the bread is hot and crispy. If you don’t have a sandwich press (and really, why don’t you?), press between a pair of pre-heated cast iron skillets (don’t tell me you don’t have a pair of well seasoned cast iron skillets, you culinary Philistine).

Open the sandwich and spread the inside with a bit of leftover cranberry sauce (you make yours from scratch, right?) mixed with an equal amount of cream cheese. Add fresh spinach leaves or a good dark lettuce such as romaine (no Iceberg, ever). Little salt and pepper.

Eat while making nom nom nom noises.

image

Leftover dressing on the side is optional.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dressing:

2lbs hot ground sausage – Jimmy Dean will do in a pinch, better yet find a local artisan butcher shop that makes their own. The better the sausage, the better the dressing.

1 1/2 lbs of seasoned and dried bread cubes. Homemade or store bought, it’s stale bread, it really doesn’t matter.

1 cup turkey or chicken broth.

3 cups chopped celery and onion, sweated in olive oil or butter with 2 tablespoons fresh ground garlic until softened, and then allowed to cool.

Sage, rosemary, thyme, basil, and cracked black pepper to taste - or rather to smell, I add spices until it smells right to me. But if you need numbers, say 1 tablespoon of the sage, rosemary, and thyme, 1 pinch of basil and black pepper.

Mix it all together in a large mixing bowl. Make sure to break up the sausage into small pieces. It should be loose, not packed together, we’re not making sausage balls here.

Place loosely in a large covered and greased casserole dish and bake at 350F for an hour and a half or until the middle reaches 160F on an instant read thermometer. Remove from heat. Now if you like the crunchy browned stuffing from along the edges, serve as is. Otherwise, stir inner to outer, and fluff with a large fork, cover and allow to sit for twenty minutes.

Cranberry Sauce:

12 oz fresh cranberry berries, picked and washed.

1 cup water.

1 cup sugar.

2 tablespoons lemon juice.

Mix it all together in a medium sized saucepan, bring to a boil, boil for twenty minutes. Mix with a fork, breaking up the berries. Remove from heat, transfer to a glass dish and allow to cool, then refrigerate until cold.


We spent the rest of the day putting up our Christmas tree. You remember the Christmas tree, right? This year I bought a new ladder, one of those huge articulated Warner jobbers, that made setting up the tree a whole hell of a lot easier.

Yesterday it snowed. Nearly a foot here at Stonekettle Station and I spent most of the day dealing with that and a dead truck battery.

Today, my wife and son have gone off Christmas shopping, leaving me home to finish up a home improvement project by myself (damn right, leaving me home – no way in hell am I venturing out this weekend thankwewveddymuch, I rather do drywall or light my hair on fire).

So, what are you guys doing with your long weekend?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Changes To Stonekettle Station Commenting

Folks I’ve turned on word verification for comments.

I really don’t like having to do so, but I’m suddenly getting a rash of spambot type comments from eastern Europe.

The price of fame, I guess. In recent months the readership of Stonekettle Station has roughly tripled. I don’t really know why, the site is just suddenly a whole lot more popular. I’m now pushing about 2000 daily readers, sometimes considerably more than that - usually on Mondays, from corporate servers, I seem to provide an alternate to actual work. Fridays, the visit counter is usually around two or three hundred until after quitting time on the west coast, then it starts climbing.

With the increase in readership has come a marked and sudden increase in spam comments.

I know some bloggers just say screw it and leave them. To me that’s like having an uninvited guest vomit in the middle of the living room floor at a party and just leaving the mess there for everybody to walk around. I hate spam and I don’t want it on my site. I pay for this place and I put a lot of effort into it and I’ll be damned if I’ll let this crap stink up the place.

I’m sick of having to police the spam, so I’ve turned on word verification. If that doesn’t stop the problem, then I’ll be forced to disable anonymous commenting altogether and only allow registered users to comment on the blog.

This pisses me off immensely.

It pisses me off for two reasons:

1) I fucking hate spammers. I hate the mentality behind spam. I purely despise these intestinal parasites and the amount of time, effort, bandwidth, money, and assets these lousy sons of bitches take up every day. I put spammers on the same level with child rapists and Dick Cheney. I want them hunted down and ripped apart by wild dogs. Every last one of them.

2) I fucking hate the ignorant stupid mouth breathing goobers who click on spam. Listen up you stupid bastards, the only reason that spammers exist in the first place is because you morons keep clicking on the spam links. You have to be the stupidest, more ignorant, most retarded dipshits on the planet. My stupid furball of a cat has more sense than you, and he enjoys licking his own ass. Stop doing it, you’re ruining the Internet for everybody else.

Sorry for the inconvenience, gentle readers.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Turkey Day

Lake Lucille, Wasilla, Alaska. November 26th, 2009.

Question: What if Levi took her up on her offer? No, really.

 

[Tinny Music, sounds sort of like Hail to the Chief played on a banjo and a kazoo]

SP:  It’s the door bell! Probably my folks! I’ll get it, you betcha.

[Sound of door opening]

SP: You!

Levi: S’up, Beotch?

SP: What are you doing here?!

Levi: You invited me.

SP: Like hell!

Levi: I’m unemployed therefore I watch daytime TV. Oh and thanks for that by the way, you totally killed Oprah. She just quit. What the fuck did you do to her? Now I’ll have to get a job or something.

SP:  I’m a politician, you idiot, I was just bullshitting. I didn’t think you’d actually show up!

Levi: Life’s full of surprises. And who are you calling an idiot? I’m nineteen, I’ve got an excuse.  Speaking of which, Bristol around?

SP: Now you look here, young man…

Levi: Relax, I brought protection this time. Heh heh.

SP: Why I never…!

Levi: That’s not what Todd said there, of course he was pretty drunk. What’s a “Dirty Sanchez” anyway?  But hey I’m just kidding here.  I wouldn’t touch your daughter. Again. Unless she wanted to do a threesome that is. Heh heh.  Kidding, I’m just kidding. I’m thinking of branching out into standup comedy. Chicks dig that you know. Especially your daughter! Woot! Help me I can’t stop!

SP: I…can’t…breath

Levi: Whoa! Slow down there, Mrs. P.  I’m spoken for. I was just fooling anyway. Hey, meet my new girlfriend, Paris. Paris, meet The Bitchaccuda.

SP [makes sign of the cross]: Paris Hilton!?

Levi [shrugs]: Hey, I’m famous now, but I’m not exactly bright and I don’t really have any marketable skills except taking my clothes off and gossiping about famous people. 

Paris: And he’s soooo cute.

Levi: It’s like we’re soul mates.  Let’s just say that this thanksgiving I’ve got a lot to be thankful for! [Slaps Paris on the ass]. You gonna invite us in or what?

SP: I…uh…well…

Levi: I suppose I could spend the day making a YouTube video…

Paris [giggles] Let me put on some chap stick…

Levi: Heh. No.  I meant a serious video…though your idea is good too.

Paris [pouty]: I was serious…

Levi: Here, Mrs. P, look right into my camera phone and repeat that line about being full of shit on TV …

SP [through gritted teeth]: Fine. Come in. But try not to get any bodily fluids on my daughters, or the couch.

Levi: Oh, yeah, sorry about the couch, did you ever get the stain out? [Turns to shout at the car] C’mon, Ma! We’re good to go!

Paris: Brrrrrr! It’s cold here, Levi, I told you we should have gone to Hawaii. [A miniature creature bearing a vague resemblance to a tiny dog yips from her purse] Say, lady, is there a place Poochy can freshin’ up? They don’t have coyotes around here, do they? [looks around suspiciously]

SP: Why are you talking about yourself in the third person?

Paris [Rolling her eyes like Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein] I thought you were!

SP: What?

Paris: What?

Levi: Whoa! You just got totally pwned by Paris fucking Hilton! This is gonna be the best holiday evah!

SP: Todd! Get the shotgun!

Levi: Is he sober? Great, ‘cause I owe him twenty dollars and now that they’ve published my book, I’m flush.

SP: You owe him? For what?

Levi: Your daughter?

SP: Todd! The shotgun! Now!

Levi: Man, it’s like the jokes just write themselves, this standup gig is going to be a total chick magnet, maybe I could come along on your book tour? I’d be like your opening act. We’ll make a killing! Heh heh, I’m kidding, I’ve got my own book thing going on. Anyway,  Mr. P bought me and Bristol some beer when we were all in that hotel and you were off with that old dude. I owe him twenty for that.

SP: Old dude?

Levi: Yeah, that old white haired guy you used hang out with, looked like Crazy Santa after a week at fishcamp. You guys were like Pinky and The Brain. You were Pinky.  Whatever happened to that guy, did he die?

SP: Are you talking about John McCain?

Levi: Who?

SP: Waitaminute! You have a book? You?

Levi: Rock on! It’s totally in all the book stores.  It’s for grown ups though, not like your book.  I brought you an autographed copy!

SP: This is a Playgirl!

Levi: I ain’t playin’, girl, believe it.  Just for you, help you work out some of those frustrations. Check out the centerfold, it’s a bull moose! [pokes Paris in the ribs. Winks. Holds his hands spread on either side of his head like moose antlers] Hope you got some fresh D cells, Mrs. P.  Hey, here she is, you remember my mom, right? She got some holiday furlough.

Paris: Brrrrrrr!

Ma Johnson: Whoa, fuck it’s slippery. Big fuggin’ mansion like this and I damned near broken my fuggin’ neck coming up the stairs. Dropped my smoke. Fuck! If I wasn’t so high, I’d be pissed! Who’doya gotta shank to get a light around here? Here, Governor, brought ya my famous Jello Shooter Salad, that’s a whole fifth of the good stuff in there so don’t drop it, $5 and two packs of smokes for a bottle of that, no shit.  Also, keep it away from open flame.  We had to bury Uncle Johnson, bless his soul, with no eyebrows, I had to paint them on in the casket with a Sharpie. So I ain’t fuggin’ kiddin’. No, don’t thank me.  Now who’s got a fuggin’ light?

SP: This is just a fifth of garbage can vodka.

Ma Johnson: Ya, nobody likes the jello or the salad part anyway.

Paris: Brrrrrrrr! BRRRR!

Levi: Man, this is gonna be awesome.  Parrrrrteee.  C’mon Ladies, lets meet the family. Where’s my kid. Eh? What was his name again? Wait don’t tell me, something Alaskan, right?  Moose? Big Moose Johnson! Where are ya, son?

SP: His name is not Moose!

Levi: Check out that centerfold, Mrs P. That’s my kid, they’ll be calling him Moose soon enough. Heh heh.

Paris: Bull moose [she tries to wink, but her eyelashes freeze together, making her look like a stroke victim]. I forget, what’s a moose again?

Levi: You’re so cute.

[The crowd pushes into the kitchen]

Levi: Well, this hasn’t changed. I thought you’d at least get rid of the those “Property of Wasilla Recreation Center” counters after you became Vice President. Maybe get some White House shit, what’s that called?

Paris: Stealing?

SP: I’m. Not. The. Vice. President.

Levi: You’re not?  You’re the King just like you wanted?  So the old geezer did croak then. I knew it. [turns to Paris] Who knows politics, eh? Told ya Baby.

Paris: You have such a huge…brain.

SP: McCain lost. If they’d only let me say what I wanted…

Levi: What? So like that terrorist guy is President?

SP: Where have you been?

Levi: Doing your daughter?

SP: Todd!

Levi: Well, at least you’re still Governor!

SP: No, I decided to explore other options.

Levi: Does that mean you quit?

SP: No, I resigned.

Levi: Me too.

SP: What?

Levi: I resigned too. I’ve been autographing my book for my fans. I signed and resigned like a million of those things, plus I signed a bunch of boobs, er, breasts. You’ve really got to press on those things to get the marker to write.  Here unbutton your blouse, I’ll show you...

SP: You really are an idiot, aren’t you?

Levi: Hey, I get to sign boobs and people pay me to take my clothes off.  What did you do again? Some kind of jogging magazine, wasn’t it? Who’s the idiot now?

Ma Johnson: Is that turkey I smell? Hey don’t just stand there, give me a mug of that jello salad.

[Todd enters the kitchen]

Todd: Dude!

Levi: Dude!

Todd: Whazzzup, Man?

Levi: She invited me.

Todd: Awesome, I told you she’d warm up to you! Whatcha been doing?

Levi: Your daughter?

Todd: Dude!

Levi: Dude!

[high fives and fist jabs all around]

Todd: You got my twenty? Holy Salmon Spawn, is that Paris Hilton? Damn! I’m like your biggest fan! I saw your movie on the internet, you’re a great actor! [Looks at SP]  Er…I mean, pleased to meetcha, ma’am.

Levi: Here’s your money, dude.

Todd: Dig it! Look’s like I’m making a beer run.

Ma Johnson: I’ll go with you…as long as we’re back by the time the fuggin’ turkey is ready. I fuggin’ love turkey, it’s not nearly as greasy as bald eagle. And I brought my good teeth today.

SP: We’re not having turkey.

Ma Johnson: Good thing I brought that jello then, speaking of which I’ll need a fill up here, I’m furggin’ driving.

Todd: That’s good, because I’m totally fucked up.

Levi: No turkey?

SP: It’s my special Thanksgiving moose chili recipe.

Todd: Yeah, she puts pumpkin in it. It makes your chili farts smell like Halloween in Mexico!

Levi: You’ve really got to learn how to cook something else.

Paris: I can’t eat moose, I’m a vegetable.

Levi: Vegetarian. And moose is a vegetable.

Paris: It is?

Levi: As far as you know.

 

[And so it went, eventually the police were called and another Wasilla Thanksgiving tradition marked the passing of yet another year.  Home, it’s where the family is.  Next: Christmas with the Palins or Levi Shows Off His Reindeer Sausage!]

Welcome to the 1st Fundamentalist Reformed Church Of Republicanism

And once again, Republicans decide to eat their young:

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, that the Republican National Committee identifies ten (10) key public policy positions for the 2010 election cycle, which the Republican National Committee expects its public officials and candidates to support:

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill;

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check;

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and

(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership; and be further

RESOLVED, that a candidate who disagrees with three or more of the above stated public policy position of the Republican National Committee, as identified by the voting record, public statements and/or signed questionnaire of the candidate, shall not be eligible for financial support and endorsement by the Republican National Committee; and be further

RESOLVED, that upon the approval of this resolution the Republican National Committee shall deliver a copy of this resolution to each of Republican members of Congress, all Republican candidates for Congress, as they become known, and to each Republican state and territorial party office.

Chief Sponsor:
James Bopp, Jr. NCM IN

Sponsors:
Donna Cain NCW OR
Cindy Costa NCW SC
Demetra Demonte NCW IL
Peggy Lambert NCW TN
Carolyn McLarty NCW OK
Pete Rickets NCM NE
Steve Scheffler NCM IA
Helen Van Etten NCW KA
Solomon Yue NCM OR

 

It simply astounds me that Republicans have allowed the ideologues to take over their party.

It utterly appalls me that those selfsame hypocritical parasites, the fanatical rightwing ideologues just in case I’m not being clear here, continue to refer to themselves as “the party of Lincoln.”

I strongly suspect that Abraham Lincoln would have spit in Jim Bopp’s face – or more likely given him a good old fashioned thrashing, something the 16th President was fully capable of doing. I strongly suspect that any group of people who could pen and approve and seriously consider the kind of fanatical, almost religiously, exclusionary ideology embodied in the above resolution wouldn’t have been on the same side of the fence as Lincoln. Teddy Roosevelt would have walloped the tar and feathers out of these fanatics, mostly likely without working up a sweat – but then again the hard line rightwing RNC considered old TR a heretical Progressive and a party traitor - a designation Teedee* was proud of – and they probably would consider Lincoln the same, if they actually bothered to learn anything about him.

The resolution above is being circulated within the Republican National Committee. Sponsored by ten senior members of the committee and penned by committeeman Jim Bopp, the resolution will be submitted for discussion and vote at the Republican Party’s Winter Meeting in Hawaii.

This proposed resolution was supposed to be a secret, but somebody leaked it to the media.  There’s a certain amount of chagrin going on over that –  even these loons are a little embarrassed to have their secret fanaticism exposed, they still retain just enough shreds of sanity to know how it sounds and they’d prefer to have a fait accompli before the majority of conservatives find out that their party has been turned into a fundamentalist religion. 

This really isn’t a new concept for the fanatical far right conservatives who have hijacked the Grand Old Party, they’re big on loyalty tests and solemn oaths of fealty to their ideology. These are the same folks who wanted republican voters to sign a loyalty pledge during presidential primaries and they are the same batch of jackasses who make up moronic groups like the Oath Keepers and who like to elicit celibacy and virginity pledges from their kids – how’s that working out for you by the way?

The ten items listed above are being called the GOP’s core principles for the 2010 election cycle by party fanatics such as Bopp, who feels that such a resolution is necessary to codify who is and who is not a true Conservative, and who will and who will not be considered an enemy of the Party and America. One assumes that he is angling to head up the Politburo when the Neocons finally do manage to take back the country for real American Jesuspeople.

I don’t know about you, when I hear hacks speak about Party Purity and a litmus test to determine who and who is not a true believer and an American, I get a cold chill right down my spine and the small hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I find myself dangerously close to invoking the ire of Godwin’s Law.  The similarities to historical examples of other fanatical and uncompromising political ideologies is striking: a small group of extreme hardliners moving further and further from the middle, defining themselves by rigid core principles that only they control, an abiding hatred for the current administration and a consuming passion to bring it down by any means including lies and deception and a firm belief that the ends justify the means, representing only a small fraction of the population but telling themselves that they are the only true [insert appropriate national identity here], telling themselves that only purity will save their party, belief in the righteousness of their actions and a sense of destiny, listing those that they hate, and vilification of everyone who does not share their ideology.  The first step is always purging themselves of moderate and dissenting voices. They turn on themselves ridding their party of perceived weakness and the faithless, then when they seize power they turn on the rest of their population rooting out the undesirables and those designated as scapegoats for whatever perceived ills the country is suffering, then they turn on the world – They may not start out that way, but they almost always end up that way. Those other movements all eventually self destructed, but not before they did tremendous and horrifying damage. 

But it always begins with a small group of fanatics, secretly scheming in the beerhalls and the darkened backrooms of power.

RNC leaders feel that something like this “Purity Test” is necessary after NY23, the special election in New York where the RNC stabbed its own party candidate right in the eye, called her a traitor, backed the independent frothy lunatic candidate instead, and got its ass handed to it by the Democrats when the voters told the GOP to fuck right off.  Rather than learn a lesson from this, or from their resounding defeat on the national stage during last year’s presidential elections or their defeat during the previous Congressional election cycle, the RNC has decided to double down on its ideology and pull even further to the hard right – this is yet another primary indicator of fanaticism. These people have no intention of sharing power with anybody, they have no intention of compromising their ideology – most especially they have no intention of seeking a middle ground within their own party. They don’t represent traditional conservatives, as NY23 demonstrated, and this enrages fanatics like Bopp who cannot think beyond his utter hatred for Barack Obama and the reviled Liberals who he sees as traitors and enemies – and this is also typical of fanatics, they must always have something or someone to hate – and he intends to get rid of anyone not as fanatical as he is.  This group of ten intends to impose their ideology on the entire party. They intend to purge the Republican Party of moderates and those they see as weaklings, like Dede Scozzafava, and then they intend to turn traditional conservative values and guidelines into a fanatical ideological belief system.

Their strategy can be summed up in the ominous words of one of their spiritual leaders, i.e. you’re either with us, or you’re against us.

These people are making their political beliefs a fundamentalist religion.

And like any extremist religion, they demand blindly obedient adherents that are utterly incapable of compromise and of seeing the hypocrisy inherent in their belief system – and, in point of fact, will deny that there is any flaw in their beliefs.  They demand loyalty, but give none in return – as Scozzafava found out when she was branded a heretic and promptly excommunicated. They demand compromise and submission from all but yield nothing in return, theirs is the ultimate arrogance. There is no room within the party’s fundamental ideology for those who would compromise with non-believers, with moderates, or progressives.

It’s hard to understand how a rational educated adult could write something like this resolution, even as a rough draft. Read it through again, dispassionately, as if you were grading a high school English paper and you’ll see what I mean.  It appears to be a random and incomplete assemblage of ideas culled from rightwing militia websites – and it’s obvious that it is driven by a number of inherent obsessions, rather than a logical and comprehensive structuring of ideals.

1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes…

OK. It starts out by stating a well established conservative plank. And if the sentence contained a metric to provide values for the concepts of “smaller” and “lower” it would be ok, but it doesn’t. Rather the stated core value is really “by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill.” Not expensive bills per se. Not government spending. Not even stimulus bills, but rather Obama’s “stimulus bill.”   The resolution mentions Obama by name twice, not liberals or liberal or moderate or progressive ideas, but President Obama specifically – rather an odd thing for a policy position, isn’t it? We only want folks who hate Barack Obama the man and will oppose him at every step, we don’t want people in Congress who represent the will of their constituents, or who decide the issues based on the merits of each – no, we will only support candidates for office who absolutely hate Obama and will oppose anything and everything proposed by the opposition based solely on ideology and nothing else, no matter what.

In fact, there are a number of very odd words and turns of phrase in this list (see? Feel that cold chill on your neck?)

Now, Bopp led off with this and it’s obviously very, very important to him and the other fanatics whose names appear on the resolution. Small government, small national debt, low deficit, low taxes – these are traditional planks of the Republican Party and goals I can heartily agree with – except, how does that square with

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

How do we get to smaller government with smaller debt and deficit and lower taxes by massively increasing the size of the border patrol and the INS and those agencies that inspect workplaces and enforce the laws and detain and process  the illegals and return them to the border? How do we get smaller, cheaper government by increasing the administrative and legal functions? How do we get smaller government and lower taxes by increasing the size of the Army and sending 40,000 more troops overseas? Those guys don’t just pick up and go, you know, they need administrative support and in-country facilities and support contracts and equipment and food and supplies and transport and hundreds of other things, all of which require contractors and bureaucrats and administrators and communications and systems and money, gobs and gobs of money. How do we get lower taxes by continuing to fight on multiple fronts? (Pillaging? The army is required to support itself the way Roman Legions did maybe? Foraging? Farming perhaps?). How much money is the RNC willing to spend on “effective action” in North Korea and Iran and how will that “effective action” reduce the size and expense of government? How do we get less government interference in our lives by letting it decide who can get married and who can’t and by having two “separate but equal” systems for domestic or married partnerships?  I guess it’s in the wording “we support,” we didn’t say we were going to do it, just that we support the idea – during election years especially.

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

Huh?  What market-based healthcare reforms?  What market-based energy reforms? No really, I’m not joking, what the hell are they talking about here?  It’s like some kind of mystical belief system with these people – the ancient godlike invisible power of unregulated capitalism will cure all if we only perform the proper rituals and sacrifices. It’s like a belief in the superiority of the Aryan ideal or that Communism will bring about a universal middle class or that the sky gods will make it rain if we only slaughter enough sheep on the alter. It’s the market that currently leaves 47,000,000 Americans without healthcare and is charging them over $3 at the pump. I’m curious, where can I download a copy of the Exxon and Blue Cross/Blue Shield Health and Energy Reform Bill? 

Does the RNC support market-based equal rights and freedom like Lincoln did? Oh wait, that’s not right.

Does the RNC support market based reform for Wall Street?

Here’s a question, how about market-based marriage reform? How about market-based abortion reform? No?

(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check;

So, the RNC supports workers’ rights to choose and opposes a “card check” BUT requires a purity test and oath of loyalty from its own people and requires them to vote the way it says or it excommunicates them from the Church of Republicanism?  Will the GOP order States to change National election ballots so that registered Republicans here in Alaska can vote for whoever they want no matter what the party? No?

Excuse me, Mr Bopp, could you please pass me that big bowl of utter fucking hypocrisy right there? Thanks.

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society…

Just as long as they don’t run for President, eh?

…by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

So, what is the plan then? Shoot ‘em? Or keep hiring them as your nannies and sex slaves and cheap labor? I don’t care, I just like to know what we’re doing is all. Here’s an idea, how about market-based immigration reform? Really, think about it.

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

So, anybody who doesn’t support a troop surge, including the troops, doesn’t support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan?  Or should I read that as you only support victory if it is achieved through a troop surge? If victory is achieved via another strategy do you oppose it?  May I assume that defeat is totally out of the question? Is the key point ‘military recommended’ because I’m military and I’d like to recommend we get the fuck out.  Really, please explain the purpose of this policy position, is it victory? Is it a troop surge? (which will have been long resolved one way or the other by 2010 you idiots. In fact Obama is announcing his plan Friday) Or is it the fact that you will only support recommendations for victory if they originate in the military? And will you support any recommendations from the military? Because I’d like to recommend a pay raise, better benefits, and you let us decide what we need equipment-wise instead of voting for more useless shit simply because it’s built in your district.  Hello? Is this thing on?

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;

Please explain “effective action” and please contrast it against the ineffective actions of Reagan, Bush Sr, and Bush The Lesser.

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

Yes, of course you do.

(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion

Please explain how denying 47,000,000 Americans access to health insurance protects the lives of “vulnerable persons.” Please explain how taking campaign contributions from the multi-billion dollar health insurance industry supports those same vulnerable persons.  Please explain how excommunicating moderate republicans who advocate universal access to healthcare supports vulnerable persons. Please explain how consistently fighting against healthcare reform since the fucking Clinton administration opposes denial of healthcare.  Also, you have abortion on the brain, please explain how allowing hundreds of thousands of pregnant women and children to go without healthcare, a significant number of which will sicken and die from preventable conditions, solely in order to make sure a handful of women don’t get an abortion is moral, ethical, or in keeping with your stated policy position of supporting vulnerable persons, i.e. please explain how one aborted fetus equals one hundred living babies – I assume that’s creation science math.

(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership

What about the other nine rights defined in the Bill of Rights? Do you support those too? No, I suppose not, you’d have a hard time squaring those with the rest of your policy positions, wouldn’t you?  As to the 2nd Amendment, do you support all of it, or only the part after the second comma?  See the whole thing reads: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. That part about “well regulated” do you support that?  Or just the part where you get to buy guns and carry them to the President’s speeches? What about American citizens like US Army Major Malik Nadal Hasan? Did you support his right to keep and bear arms? Did you oppose government restrictions on his right to buy arms? Would you defend his right to the death? No, I guess not. Please explain exactly whose unrestricted right to keep and bear arms you are referring to.  Also, please explain why you support a litmus test to join your party, but none for buying a fucking gun. Truly, I look forward to your reply.

RESOLVED, that a candidate who disagrees with three or more of the above stated public policy position of the Republican National Committee, as identified by the voting record, public statements and/or signed questionnaire of the candidate, shall not be eligible for financial support and endorsement by the Republican National Committee

Three? Any three? Can I support Cap and Trade, be Pro-Choice, and profess my love for Obama and still get your support? What if I’m a flaming homosexual atheist, but I support all ten, will you throw your weight behind me then (pun most certainly intended) and give me money? (Or will you only do that in airport restrooms?) You didn’t mention global climate change specifically, can I expect your support if I champion Al Gore but oppose Cap and Trade?

RESOLVED that upon the approval of this resolution the Republican National Committee shall deliver a copy of this resolution to each of Republican members of Congress, all Republican candidates for Congress, as they become known, and to each Republican state and territorial party office.

So, the RNC is issuing ultimatums now?  No vote? No voice of the people? No majority rule? The RNC simply dictates policy, and the people fall in line, eh? Say, Mr Bopp, any of that hypocrisy left? Or did you eat it all up? Please take some and pass it on around the table to rest of your friends.

Seriously, even as a draft, this resolution looks like it was penned by ten year olds – or insane religious fanatics.

Here’s the thing, the vast majority of conservatives are not insane, not fanatics, and won’t support this nonsense if they truly knew what was going on. Conservatives don’t need to take back the country, they need to take back their party. They need to toss these idiots out of office sooner, rather than later, before they destroy themselves and this country. Conservatives need to return to their party’s traditional pre-Reagan ideals and salvage what’s left of the once great party of Lincoln. 

They need moderation. They need to ease away from the edge and move towards the center.  They need to build bridges and seek common ground.

They need better leaders.

May I suggest they start with Dede Scozzafava?

 

 

 

 

 

 


Roosevelt hated the nickname “Teddy” and preferred either “TR” or his boyhood family nickname of “Teedee.”  History however, has indelibly labeled him as Teddy.