_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Look At Me Folks! I’m Fixing the Economy!

The Governor of New York isn’t taking the economic disaster laying down.

Governor David Patterson knows how to get things moving again.

The simplicity of his plan is genius.



Basically what Patterson proposes is this: Screw stimulus. Let’s tax stuff!


The plan is based on sound historical precedent. Way back in the early part of the last century Russia’s economy was circling the drain. Things were bad and getting worse, people were hungry and jobless and homeless – so Tsar Nicholas the Second (Little Nicky to his friends, Nick the Dick to just about everybody else) embarked on a couple of wars and raised taxes. And it worked like a charm, in short order Russia got a whole new government and everything was peachy keen for a while, Nick and his family got new jobs as fertilizer and all the unhappy people found exciting new career opportunities in Siberia.

Fast forward a century, New York’s economy is in the crapper. The state’s budget shortfall is like a giant 13.7 billion dollar sucking chest wound. The government has to shut down state functions. They’re scaling back on road maintenance, and public services, and assistance to the poor, and going away parties for Hillary Clinton. State workers are getting pink slips in record numbers. The State could actually go bankrupt.

And while all of those things are pretty terrifying by themselves, the main fear here is that pretty soon it’s going to be difficult to tell New York from California. Chaos cannot be far behind, the two coasts are separate for a reason. If this keeps up, New Yorkers will suddenly find themselves with a craving for bean sprout tofu tacos and a loathing for gay marriage.

Enter Governor Patterson and his inspired leadership. The governor’s proposed budget plan includes a bunch of new taxes levied primarily against the service industry – including haircuts and massages.

Massages.

Yep, you read that right. Massages.

Now, while it is true that a certain, very small, percentage of massages are actually legitimate medical procedures administered by trained sadists and pretzel makers (or maybe that’s chiropractors, I forget. Just go with it) – I think we all know what “massage” means in New York (pretty much what it means anywhere else) - especially when it’s billed to your corporate expense account under “Business Lunch” and administered by a naked girl from South East Asia with really strong, uh, hands and huge tracts of land. Wink, wink.

Now don’t confuse my sarcasm for … uh, well, sarcasm. I’ve long held that if we legalized and taxed massages in this country, we wouldn’t have a national deficit and frankly I’m all for it.

And the new tax on haircuts? Equally brilliant. See, we need a good way to tell hardworking employed Americans from the damned deadbeats. The governor’s plan will do far more than bring in additional revenue, it will provide an easy way to separate those who are contributing to our economic recovery from the parasites feasting flea-like on our quickly thinning national blood.

Short hair, well groomed, relaxed from recent massage = Patriot.

Long hair, unshaven, tense from standing in the unemployment line = blood sucking parasite.

The Governor should be commended for discovering this herd of heretofore untapped cash cows (and I should be commended for actually finding a way to use "heretofore" in a sentence correctly). This is the kind of outside the refrigerator-box thinking we need, and frankly Governor Patterson’s example has inspired me to think up a few sacred cows of my own:

Street Mimes: Seriously, how irritating are these people? They should be paying taxes just for annoying the crap out of me. Lock ‘em in invisible debtor’s prison if they can’t pay I say. Also other so-called street artists. Anybody doing The Robot to Rap music on a public sidewalk, or those break dancing kids who spin like tops on their heads, or those guys who paint pictures on the street with chalk, or all those guys doing really bad House of the Rising Sun covers with a guitar and a harmonica and a dancing monkey – all of these people are “performing” completely tax free. Who do they think they are? Massage therapists?

Lemonade stands: Kids are part of this economy too, and it’s about time they starting carrying their own damned weight. The little fantasy of a responsibility free childhood is as dead as Eliot Spitzer’s political career (speaking of massages).

Breathing: Millions of Americans actually have the gall to expect free air. This is simply another manifestation of the entitlement many spoiled Americans feel they deserve, and one we can no longer afford. We pay for electricity, we pay for water, we pay for sewage, we pay for food, we pay for gas, we pay for internet porn, i.e. we pay for all the essentials of life, except air. Like gasoline, air is a natural resource that belongs to the whole country – if you’re going to use it, you should pay the American people for it. Farting, halitosis, BO, and wearing the Britney Spears perfume Curious would automatically put you in the 99% tax bracket – though I suppose you could earn carbon credits for holding your breath, or being dead – providing you don’t go stinking up the place.

Spam: A lot of folks are getting the benefit of free Viagra advertising and Male Enhancement advice delivered right into their computers and the government is not making a dime off it. Hell the amount of spam I get each week, if properly taxed, could probably pay Sarah Palin’s monthly stylist bill with money left over (Then again, maybe not).

Homeless People: Millions of former tax-payers are giving up their staid and restrictive lives for the freedom of life on the street. They get free food from top quality city dumpsters and a carefree comfortable place to sleep in state and city funded parks. These people are living the life of Riley while the rest of us are stuck with the tab. Frankly I don’t think the homeless lifestyle would be so attractive if we started taxing it – maybe that would encourage more people to keep working.

Logic, bitches, it will boggle your mind.

Ask Governor Patterson, he understands.

Maybe we should proclaim him Tsar.

Monday, February 9, 2009

The Single Funniest Moment in TV History (updated, to remove the dumbass)

If you don't recognize these four people, I don't want to know you.










These four people were simply brilliant together.
________________________________

Update: Um, you know, if you're going say something stupid, you should go big. Just saying. Up above I said if you don't recognize the four people in the first video, I don't want to know you. Implying, of course, that the four people were the utterly brilliant Carol Burnett, Vicki Lawrence, Tim Conway, and, of course, Harvey Korman - and, obviously, everybody should recognize that.

One problem, as that rat bastard, Mensely, pointed out in the comments - it's not Harvey Korman, it's Dick Van Dyke.

Doh.

Don't get me wrong, Dick Van Dyke was a regular on The Carol Burnett show and is at least as funny as anybody in the business has ever been - if not funnier (as an aside, his brother Jerry Van Dyke is also hysterically funny - Jerry plays one of my favorite characters in the best John Wayne movie evah - McClintok!). I'll admit I actually thought briefly about attempting to play it off - ah hah! Mensley is the only one who actually got it! See, I meant Dick Van Dy....no?

Yeah, that's the problem with writing for smart and intelligent folks.

So, you know, feel free to throw the ridicule pie. Just make sure it's chocolate.

Anyway, here's Conway and Korman, at their insane best.

That Sinking Feeling

USS Port Royal, CG-71 ran aground off Honolulu.

Son of a bitch.

As a Sailor and a qualified Surface Warfare Officer, that’s about all I can say, Son of a Bitch.

Unless the investigation finds that the sea bottom recently shifted in a manner undetectable to Port Royal, or that the most recent Navy issued charts are in error, the Captain’s career is over, along with the Navigator and the Navigation Team and quite possibly the rest of the bridge officers on watch depending on the particulars of the accident. Whatever happened, unless the situation is extraordinary – the CO is screwed. Command of a US Navy vessel is not like any other responsibility in the world – always and ultimately the Captain is responsible. Period and no exceptions.

Short of a collision at sea - or banging the admiral’s under-aged daughter - there are few things less survivable, career wise, than running a ship aground.

USS Port Royal is a billion dollar, latest generation Aegis Guided Missile Cruiser, one of the most powerful and most highly advanced warships in the world. In ancient Greek mythology Aegis was the shield of Zeus and Athena, and Aegis cruisers are very aptly named indeed. Vessels of Port Royal’s class were designed to protect carrier battle groups against overwhelmingly massive Soviet attacks – and the capability of Aegis cruisers struck abject fear into the Red Banner Fleet. Port Royal’s weapon systems can knock down dozens of incoming ship killer missiles, entire flights of enemy aircraft, or lay waste to a continent. She’s fast, and maneuvers like a corvette and there is damned little that can match her in open combat.

And her navigation system is second to none – if operating correctly she can pinpoint her position to within inches anywhere in the world.

As an experienced Navy officer, a number of things about this accident catch my eye right away – including the fact that she was at sea for the first time in four months following scheduled refit and dry dock. Skills get rusty over a period of time like that. Sea trials are exhausting. And the yards don’t always get the refit and install correct, including calibration of the navigation systems. I can, but won’t, speculate on what went wrong, the investigation will determine that in short order I suspect.

She hit damned hard though, and grounded so solidly that it took half a dozen heavy tugs to pull her off the shoal – after three days of effort, including lightening her weight by roughly 600 tons.

She’s damaged, there’s no way she grounded like that and didn’t take damage, even if her hull is intact. There are sensors and intakes and exterior equipment, none of which were designed to slam into the bottom at speed. She’ll be towed back to dry dock for sure – and there is nothing more painful and humiliating for a navy crew than to be towed into port.

And her Skipper will be headed for the beach, permanently I suspect.

Which is a stinking tragedy, because I happen to know Captain Carroll, not personally, but by reputation. A number of officers who served under him are personal friends of mine, and they hold him in the highest respect. He’s a highly trained, highly educated, and a highly experienced officer, one of the Navy’s finest.

It would be a damned shame to lose a Commanding Officer of such caliber, but that type of accountability comes with command at sea. There is no escaping it. The Captain is always responsible. Always. This is a terrible and cold reality - but it is also one of the Navy’s greatest strengths. We place great stock and great respect in personal responsibility, and while we may regret it in situations like this one, none of us, including Captain Carroll, would want it changed.

In situations like this, I often think our country would be a better place if we held our civilian leaders to such standards.

But that, of course, is merely wishful thinking.

I sincerely hope that the investigation shows a failure in the navigation system, or an uncharted shift in the sea bottom, or anything that would absolve the Captain and crew of USS Port Royal.

But again, I suspect, that is also merely wishful thinking.

You know you’re living in Alaska when…

…you open the shop door and run right straight into this:

image

This is one big friggin’ moose, folks.

The picture really doesn’t convey her size.  She’s a good seven feet tall at the shoulder and probably well over 900lbs – she’s also pregnant.  She’s about fifty feet away in the picture, which is just fine by me.  Her yearling calf is behind her out of frame.  Really, you don’t want to end up between a cow and calf, especially a pregnant cow and calf.

Trust me on this.

I should have been paying attention, I knew they were around.  Becky and I watched her and the calf last night from the sunroom balcony.  And their prints were all over this morning.

I must be losing my edge, getting old or something. Sheesh.

I opened the shop door and the calf was standing immediately outside.  Seriously, I was looking straight into his eyes from about two feet away.  I about jumped out of my skin.  He’s not exactly small either, probably four or five hundred pounds.  He snorted and pawed the ground and then stepped to one side, and that’s when I realized mom was about two feet behind him and none to pleased – ruff full erect and ears flat on her head. Snorting.

I’ve got a freezer full of one of their cousins and I started to think maybe they were here for revenge. 

“Look, Mom, it’s that guy who got Larry! Let’s get him!”

“Stand aside, Junior, while I get out the whoop ass.”

“Awwww, Mom, you never let me have any fun.”

“It’s a human, Junior, don’t touch it, you don’t know where it’s been.”

I carefully shut the shop door.  Moose are visceral creatures, shut the door and you effectively drop right out of their conscience.

“Hey! Where’d he go?”

“Where’d who go?”

I could hear them snorting outside for a minute, then they ambled off.  It’s about –11F right now and the snow makes this weird squeaking noise when you step on it. I could hear them walking away.  I grabbed the camera and the shotgun (just in case) and opened the shop door again.  

I got the one picture, before they decided they didn’t like me and suddenly galloped off around the shop and into the woods.

My heart’s still pounding. 

 

Yeah, so how’s your morning starting out?

Thanks

To all of you who sent me birthday wishes, thanks much.

I didn't do much with my birthday - which is pretty much exactly how I like it.

Here's a summary:

As I mentioned Friday, I've got a cold - though by yesterday it was mostly just at the annoyingly runny nose stage. It would appear that I dodged the symptoms of a major attack, maybe all that crap the Navy pumped me full of is still working to some extent. My wife, however, was not so lucky - she's been miserable since Friday and yesterday she woke up with an ear infection. So we spent most of the first part of my birthday at the doctor's office and the pharmacy. She's feeling much better today though, so that's good.

Later in the day, my son and I took Jumper the dog for a long walk - despite being cold as hell it was a beautiful day, and we enjoyed it. I wish I had the kind of insulation Jumper has, ten below zero and she was panting like it was 80 degrees out - she's your basic issue sled dog, she sleeps on her back in the snow at ten below with her feet in the air. Her feet are sensitive though, and she wears dog boots in the winter to keep her pads from getting frostbit. The boots are a neoprene and ballistic nylon design and have studs on the bottom to give her a grip on the ice - and she's like a damned tractor. I bought a new leash a couple of weeks ago, at REI - it's a shock absorbing design and huge improvement for me. Jumper is leash trained and usually walks at heel, but sometimes she gets excited and yanks on the leash - and that has serious consequences for my damaged shoulder. She's left me in major pain a couple of times as a result. The new leash prevents that, it's basically a big elastic cord inside a nylon sheath with a big, adjustable, hand loop that fits easily over my glove. The damned leash was $30, but worth every penny as far I'm concerned - I don't like being crippled.

Later, I managed to burn dinner - yeah, yeah, shutup. I put a roast in the pressure cooker and went out to the shop. I, um, got distracted by shiny bits of foil and sparkly woodworking tools and spent a lot more time out there than I had planned on. Beer might have been involved. When I came back in, I smelled the the roast burning right away - the broth had boiled off, obviously.

I hollered for my wife, "Good Grief, Woman, can't you smell that?!"
Becky answered from the living room, "No. I hab a cold in by dose, Stupid. I can't smell abything. 'member?"
Oh yeah. Right. That.
"Whab?"
"Nothing, get your coat, I'm taking you out to dinner. You deserve it."
"I thought you hab a roast on?"
"Blow your nose and get a coat on or you're getting cheese sandwiches for dinner."
"OK."

So we enjoyed a nice dinner at the Valley Hotel in Palmer.

Then we came home and had cake. Chocolate and raspberry, my very favorite. I'll tell you, you haven't had "Happy Birthday" sung to you, until you've heard my 12-year old son and my very horse and plugged up wife croaking it out. Hey, it's the thought that counts and they made me smile - it's sure nice to be loved.

All in all, it was a pretty good day for my 47th birthday.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Men, Don’t Let This Happen To You

image

More Maxwell the Demon here

And that’s about all you’re going to get today.

I feel like crap.

I have a cold. I’m tired and achy and feel like my head is full of sand.

I’m going to sit here and drink hot green tea and review my notes for the next several chapters of my novel. I may nap.

If I work up sufficient motivation, I’ll play with AVG. I removed Norton Internet Security from one of my machines and installed AVG. If I like it, which so far I do, I’ll install it on all of my machines. Subscriptions are up and frankly I’ve come to purely loath Symantec – I want it off my network and out of my house. Sooner would be better.

Enjoy your Friday, Internet people.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

One Way Ticket

You know, I really don’t know what to make of this.

New Bill To Give Homeless One-Way Ticket……out of Hawaii and back to where they came from.

Some Hawaii lawmakers said state government could save a lot of money if taxpayers funded one way plane tickets to send [the] homeless back to the Mainland.

Basically, for the those of you who don’t have time to follow the link, the idea is that Hawaii would use taxpayer money to ship out of state homeless folks back to the mainland. According the AP article about 40% of Hawaii’s homeless population is estimated to be from out of state.

When you read the logic behind the idea, well it seems to make sense. Sort of.

Basically the idea is that homeless are much more likely to become ex-homeless when they’re near friends and family that can provide support.  Having never been homeless myself and having no real direct experience with the homeless, but having spent a lot of time in big cities and places where there are a lot of folks living on the streets, I suspect that this idea is one of those things that sounds good when definitively stated by “experts” but in reality is just total bullshit. 

Plenty of folks, maybe even a majority, go homeless in close proximity to friends and family.  Somehow I tend to doubt that shipping the homeless out of Hawaii and back to Smallville, USA is going to suddenly drop them into a supportive environment and a good paying job, find them an affordable room or cure their substance abuse problem or fix the mental health issues they suffer from. 

No, I suspect they’ll just be homeless, only somewhere else.

Which, I suspect, is the general idea.

I suspect that despite high flown phrases, the intention here is less about altruism and a whole lot more about cleaning the undesirables out of Ala Moana park - because the last time I stayed on Waikiki Beach there were more homeless in Ala Moana Park than there were tourists.  It’s pretty damned jarring and disturbing to visit paradise and be confronted with several hundred raggedy-assed homeless people encamped like refugees in the Congo next to one of the top ten beaches in the world, drunk and raving insane and pissing themselves in public and panhandling on the corners. They’re pretty damned hard to miss, there in in the middle of paradise, since the only way to get from the airport to the hotels in downtown Honolulu is along Ala Moana Boulevard.  It really harshes your coconut oil to see it – not exactly good for the tourist trade, if you get my drift here.

Honolulu is  a beautiful city, I’ve been there dozens of times, but every time I’ve visited, the homeless population is noticeably bigger and frankly this idea sounds an awful lot like deporting undesirables and dumping them on somebody else. 

I’ve got to wonder though, how much it would cost to build decent facilities to house and help these people and get them off the street. 

Would it cost as much as thousands of plane tickets to the mainland?

What’s your take on this?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Oh, For Crying Out Loud, Conservatives

You know, some things are just plain guaranteed to elicit a sarcastic rant from me.

Lately, pretty much anything that comes from the Right falls into that category.

Seriously, what the hell happened to conservatives in this country? Is it the water? Subliminal messages inserted in the Bible? Did global warming bake their brains like tinfoil wrapped Idaho potatoes? Did Rush Limbaugh mate with Anne Coulter and produce some kind of alien mind control mutant baby? Is Rupert Murdoch broadcasting patented Paranoid Retard Rays from the FOX News satellites? Is it Inbreeding?

Or have so many intelligent and thoughtful people abandoned the party that the only ones left are the nitwitted crazies?

I’ve known a lot of Republicans, I used to be one, I grew up in a republican household, I served with conservatives - the vast majority of which were republicans – and they didn’t seem insane or stupid to me.

So, seriously, what the hell?

I’ve written about this before, these conservatives are not the republicans I remember. Somewhere, somehow, somebody has hijacked the GOP and replaced it with pod people.

Conservative Groups Declare Obama’s Stimulus Bill a War on Prayer.

Seriously?

Obama declares war on prayer?

You’re kidding, Republicans. Right?

Because if you’re not, you’re nuts.

See, there it is, right there.

That one FOX News headline sums up everything that’s wrong with the Republican Party. Everything. FOX, bless their black mechanical heart, has managed to distill everything that’s just plain stark staring barking at the moon crazy paranoid about the GOP into that one headline.

First despite the fact that the previous conservative president pushed through a hideously expensive bailout plan, Conservatives declared the current plan an example of liberal “Tax and Spend” economics. I’m not quite sure why it’s “tax and spend” when it comes from a democrat, but “non-partisan economic stimulus” when it comes from the republican side of the aisle. When that failed to generate sufficient public outrage, Conservatives declared the plan was “full of Democratic pork.” Huh? Oh, don’t get me wrong, it is full of pork just like every other bill that makes its artery clogging way though Congress. For the last eight years it was 99% good old smoky bacon flavored republican pork - just ask Halliburton and Northrop Grumman. For republicans to start talking about pork now, well, that’s a whole lot like a convicted felon saying he doesn’t want to share a cell with a criminal. Funny how republicans are only “the party of fiscal conservatism” when they’re not in the majority, isn’t it? When that failed to generate sufficient outrage, Conservatives decided that the plan is a liberal attack on Christians and God Himself!

And that, folks, well that is finally generating sufficient outrage.

That will generate urban legends spontaneously, that will get the petitions flying, and Rush ranting, and Anne hating, and the Christian soldiers marching, and the NeoCon base all stirred up. By God, Obama has declared war on prayer! Dust off your bibles, Jesus People, we’re declaring war on the war on prayer. To Warshington!

Conservative groups declare Obama’s stimulus bill a war on prayer.

It’s war. Just like everything else with conservatives these days. War on drugs, war on terrorism, war on illegal immigration, war on this, war on that. Conservatives see war everywhere. If they're not declaring it, they’re pretty sure somebody else is declaring it against them. They see enemies everywhere. Everybody is out to get them. They talk in pseudo military terms. They talk about strategy. They talk about tactics. They don’t make love, they invade. Hell, that’s why so many of them carry guns and drive Hummers – they’re at war and we’ll see you liberal bastards in hell!

Yeah, see, when you start thinking like that, it’s called paranoia and it means you’re nuts.

The bill, which passed the House despite unanimous conservative opposition, prohibits federal infrastructure funds from being used for the "modernization, renovation, or repair" of facilities that allow "sectarian instruction, religious worship or a school or department of divinity."

Read that carefully – because that’s the part that has got religious conservative panties all bunched up and chaffing.

“Critics say that could include public schools that permit religious groups to meet on campus. The House provided $20 billion for the infrastructure improvements, of which $6 billion would go to higher education facilities where the limitations would be applied.”

"What the government is doing is discriminating against religious viewpoints," said Matthew Staver, founder and chairman of Liberty Counsel, a Washington-based nonprofit organization that works to advance religious freedom.

Discriminating against religious viewpoints? Um, no, Matt, you’re wrong. You’re utterly wrong. Either you’re deluded, or you’re spouting deliberately false hyperbole, or you’re just plain crazy. Frankly, my vote is on the later.

First the Bill, H.R. 1, is 647 pages of Congressional goobly gook – which was only released last night after the House passed it. Conservatives with bunched up thongs, like our buddy Matt from Liberty Council, ran a quick search of the document for anything having to do with religion. They found that provision above in Section 9302(d)(3) and specifically subsection (C), Prohibited Use of Funds, they yelled Ah HA! at the top of their lungs and they declared it the WMD of stimulus plans.

Then they declared war!

But before conservatives decide to plunge headlong into yet another conflict, without, oh, actually verifying the actual facts, allow me a few cautionary words of sanity:

Seems FOX News and the religious conservatives left something out. Now I’m sure that wasn’t on purpose, the GOP and their ultra-religious conservative base have no record of quoting things out of context or just plain inventing hysteria or completely fabricating bogymen whole cloth solely in order to spin people up. [cough, Obama isn’t American, cough, Obama is a Muslim cough cough. Cough. I’ve read about him and he’s an Arab! cough. Sorry something in my throat here. Anyway]. Let’s take a look at what the bill actually says:

Section 9302: Prohibited Uses of funds. – No funds awarded under this section may be used for:

(A) the maintenance of systems, equipment, or facilities, including maintenance associated with any permissible uses of funds described in paragraph (1);

(B) modernization, renovation, or repair of stadiums or other facilities primarily used for athletic contests or exhibitions or other such events where admission is charged to the general public;

(C) modernization, renovation or repair of facilities -

(i) used for sectarian instruction, religious worship, or a school or department of divinity; or

(ii) in which a substantial portion of the functions of the facilities are subsumed in a religious mission; or

(D) Construction of new facilities.

Full Text Here – all 647 pages in PDF format. Section 9302 starts on page 225.

Funny how when you read the section that FOX News quoted, in context, it completely and totally refutes the Conservative’s complaint, doesn’t it? It completely and totally belies the FOX headline, Obama declares war on prayer, and it utterly makes a mockery of the FOX news article – oddly enough, FOX failed to link to the actual text of the bill itself. I wonder why that is?

War on prayer, my hairy white ass.

“Prayer” is mentioned exactly nowhere in the bill. Period. What the bill actually says it that institutions of higher learning that receive government funds may not use those funds to renovate, improve, or construct sports or religious facilities. You can use the funds to fix up a classroom where students meet to pray a couple of times a week (providing that the primary use of the room is for secular education), but you can’t use the funds to build a campus chapel or a room specifically devoted to religious practice. Schools that are primarily orientated around divinity, i.e. RELIGIOUS COLLEGES, may not use federal funds to teach religion – they are NOT prohibited from receiving funds for general education however, providing that those specific facilities are not “subsumed” in a religious mission. Facilities, not institutions. Facilities. Religious Institutions of higher learning could still get government funds for facilities on their campus that are primarily devoted to non-religious instruction, say economics, or chemistry, or art.

Religious facilities, and Colleges of Divinity and religious organizations will have to depend on donations and private funding – just as they have right from the very beginning of Constitutional Rule in this country.

When Christians conservatives talk about religious freedom and the 1st Amendment, what they really mean is that they want the freedom to replace the United States of America with an ultra conservative evangelical Christian theocracy. When they’re not allowed to do that, they start in immediately with the whole persecution bit, they’d have you believe that because they can’t get a big ol’ chunk of greasy pork to build a cathedral complete with flying buttresses and stained glass windows on the Quad of every campus in America that Christian babies are being thrown to the lions and burned at the stake.

Conservatives have vowed to fight the stimulus plan in court – not over the stimulus part, but solely on the grounds that it infringes on their religious freedom if prayer isn’t subsidized by taxpayer monies.

The good news is that these complaints are very, very unlikely to gain traction.

Let me wrap this up by asking conservatives a couple of questions:

First: I’m curious, when you speak of religious discrimination, do you include Muslim prayers as well? Or is it just Christians who should receive funds? Has the republican party become the champion of all faiths, or is it just the Jesus ones? Should campuses be allowed to use stimulus funds to build mosques and set aside rooms full of prayer rugs? Jewish temples? Native American sweat lodges and hogans? What about religions that cater primarily to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people? OK if we use federal funds to set aside places for those folks to worship? When you claim that Obama is trampling 1st amendment rights, are you including Wiccans who so far have been refused the right to build fire circles in a campus field so that they may dance the naked druid dance under the summer solstice and raise up spells to Gaia? When you say religious freedom, is that for everybody, or just Christians?

And Second: Since when do you need federal funds in order to pray to the Christian God? Hey, I’m just asking here. Are you saying that Christianity is doomed without federal funding? Times are so hard that God needs a bailout? No Christian existed on state and federally funded colleges before George W. Bush started in with his faith based shenanegans? Does God charge for prayers? Is it like cell phone minutes? Once you’ve used up your monthly allotment of prayer time, does God pro-rate? Seriously, how does it work?

Don’t bother to answer, Conservatives, I’m pretty sure I know what Matt Staver of the Liberty Counsel means by “religious freedom.”

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Pictures from the Past Meme

My friends are posting pictures from their past as sort of an internet meme. The original post was by Jeri at Smug Puppies, followed by Janiece at Hot Chicks and Smart Men and Michelle at Random (but not really). It looked like fun.

Last year I spent a couple of months (or longer) restoring a bunch of my mom’s old pictures. It was a hell of a lot of work, but the end results were definitely worth it and let us preserve some family history that otherwise would have been lost.

Some of mom’s pictures were taken from fifty year old negatives that had decayed pretty badly. Others were from thirty to forty year old slide film that had also degraded. Both the kodachrome and Ektachrome slides had red shifted severely. All were scratched. Some had thirty year old fingerprints, which had destroyed the fixative. And all were smoke damaged from a fire at my parents house several years ago.

Each negative or slide had to be scanned into the computer. I used an HP scanjet with an attached Transparent Materials Adapter running at 1200x1200DPI. Since the TMA is not an autofeed model, each slide or negative had to be loaded individually, scanned, and then changed to the next one. There were a lot of slides. Mom did most of the scanning during a Christmas visit to Alaska a couple of years ago.

I then had to push each image through Corel Photo Paint X2 and correct for the redshift, fading, scratches, and whatever other damage existed. It was a long and painstaking process, but Corel Photopaint has a number of tools that make it much easier and can automate some of the process. As I said above the end result was worth the effort.

Here’s an example of the process:

This is a picture of my dad, circa 1961. He’s raking grass seed in front of his then new Corvair. This was right after my folks got married, and they lived in a trailer park in Grandville, Michigan.

car 1 Dad and Corvair (2) Dad and Corvair (3)

The leftmost picture is cropped from the original scan, which was from a damaged negative. Over the years the fixative had faded and oxygen exposure caused the color balance to shift to the red when the picture was converted to a positive. This picture was taken with very early 1960’s film on a Brownie box camera with a fixed focus lens, as a result the original print colors were not true to life and there is some chromatic aberration and focal distortion due to the lens system. The negative was scratched and dirty from the house fire. I used the X2’s fade correction filters, then manually adjusted the color balance using color cards compared to the original colors of that Corvair and the sky. Then I used a combination of tools to remove the scratches and dust. And finally I used a warping tool to correct for the focal distortion. This picture wasn’t damaged nearly as bad as some, which were almost – but not quite - unrecoverable.

Anyway, since I have them online and Jeri, Michelle, and Janiece have posted pictures, I thought I’d share a few with you.

As a Sailor, you can see that I had an affinity for water from a very early age, also I look good in a swim suit and brush cut:

Jimmy and wading pool

When my brother Mike came along, my folks bought a house on Cottonwood Drive, in Jenison. It was a tiny little place, with an enormous yard. See that garage? My dad moved that entire building from down by the road all the way up there next to the house. Also, I want to say that Mike’s little coverall jumper outfit and that fuzzy hair are making me laugh my ass off at the moment – if you knew Mike, you’d laugh too.

Jimmy and Mike in front of Cottonwood house 2

Here’s the Wright boys, Dad, Mike, and me (in the blue shirt) – this picture was taken seconds before we were engulfed by the Great Michigan Tsunami of ‘68, which you can see roaring down on us from behind. Thanks for the warning, Mom. What? Oh, sorry, my mistake, that’s Tahquamenon Falls in Central Lower Peninsula Michigan, which we visited during one of our many, many Michigan camping trips.

Jim, Jimmy, and Mike at Taquamenen Falls

Note: My mom is not in a lot of my childhood pictures, because when she was it meant dad was holding the camera – which meant most of those pictures turned out like this:

Barb on trailer steps 2

Even photoshop can’t do much with those. Dad had serious skills (he moved a whole damned garage right?), but running the camera wasn’t one of them.

Eventually we outgrew the house on Cottonwood and moved to new place on Rosewood – which is where I lived until I graduated from high school. You know, a lot of people my age wax nostalgic for the 70’s and their lost youth – me? Not so much. One look at my dad’s sport coat and I’m good with leaving the 70’s far, far behind.

Jim Wright with Kids in Scout Uniforms

Well, there you have it. That’s it for today. I’ll see if I can dig up a few pictures from my early Navy days for your amusement.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have errands to run.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Ethics

Let’s talk about ethics this morning.

Specifically the ethics of this – go on read it, all three pages, I’ll wait. Take a look at the comments under the article too while you’re at it.




Now when I say ethics, I’m not talking about the ethical questioned raised in the article, i.e. should Nadya Suleman have been allowed to have fourteen kids? Should she have gotten counseling first? (assuming that she didn’t). Should somebody have talked her out of having octuplets? (hell, octuplets are so rare that the word octuplet isn’t even in my Blog Editor’s spell checker). Who’s going to pay for their care? How can she afford to raise fourteen kids all by herself. Why is her father working in Saudi Arabia? Who is the father of her children? For that matter who is the mother, since her tubes are supposedly blocked? And etc, and so on and so forth.

Note: some of these questions aren’t exactly ethical in nature, they’re more busy-body in nature actually – masquerading as ethical questions posed by abcNews and other various and sundry entities.

Allow me to answer:

Attention Busy Bodies, here’s the answer to all of your ethical questions regarding the birth of Nadya Suleman’s eight new babies – it’s none of your business. That’s it and that’s all. It’s not your business. You don’t get to dictate how many kids somebody has or by what method. You don’t get to decide. Shut up.

Glad we cleared that up. Thanks for your attention.

Wait a minute, Jim, I hear you say. We though you were going to talk about ethics.

I am, just not Nadya Suleman’s – which, as I’ve noted, are none of my business. I don’t care if the woman has zero kids, or treats her womb like a clown car. It’s not my business.

What is my business, however, are the ethics of the media in this country. When I said lets talk about ethics, the ethics I was referring to are those of Mike Von Fremd, Jim Vojtech, Chris Francescani and Scott Michels (i.e. the band of yahoos who contributed to the article linked to above) – and their employer, abcNews.

Let’s talk about the ethics of standing on a moral pedestal and publishing Nadya Suleman’s personal history, financial history, and medical history. I’m curious as to what, exactly, the details Suleman’s divorce records have to do with the current situation – including speculation that her ex-husband is not the father of any of her children. Let’s discuss the ethics of naming the birth father of some of Suleman’s kids – but none of the octuplets who were supposedly the subject of the story. Let’s talk about the ethics of discussing Suleman’s medical history or the particulars of how she got pregnant in the first place – or why a supposedly legitimate and professional news organization like abcNews is speculating about such things instead of, say, the tabloids – unless of course, abcNews has decided to adopt the ethics of the National Enquirer? Let’s talk about the journalistic ethics of publishing the specific dollar amount of her father’s monthly income and his expected projected income, or her mother’s bankruptcy or the number of houses the family owns – really let’s discuss specifically why the world is entitled to know those particular details? Ethically and all, I mean. Let’s discuss the ethics of publishing the names of her friends, neighbors, and family. Let’s talk about printing the obviously biased opinion of some completely uninvolved fertility expert who has no firsthand knowledge of the case except what he’s read in the paper.

Let’s talk about the ethics of judging a women and printing demonstrably biased sensationalism for no other reason other than to stir up controversy and sell newspapers.

And if you really want to discuss ethics – well, take a look at some of the comments posted under the article. My particular favorite? Well, that would have to be:

can anyone spell Muslim baby machine? the FBI is already looking into it this women is nuts (Posted by: sfpp727 1:53 PM)

Somehow I doubt the FBI is “looking into it,” last I heard the Bush administration has left the building.

Those who know this woman personally call her a “wonderful” mother – those who only read about her in the paper call her variously crazy, selfish, greedy, vain, a publicity hound, irresponsible, criminal, and the list goes on. Every commenter, fueled and inspired by biased sensationalistic reporting, adds a little more to the story, becoming more and more outraged with each passing comment. Denisw1955 writes that he is “really, really ticked off!!! Maybe there should be 8 adoptions in progress for people who can give these little humans real love and care for them responsibly.” Note how Denisw1955 claims the ethical high ground for himself, somehow divining that Suleman doesn’t actually love her children and therefore they should be parceled out to real homes and families like a litter of kittens. I’ve got to marvel at those commenters, like Denisw1955, who demand in outraged tones and cascades of exclamation marks that Suleman’s children be placed into foster care – because they don’t want their tax dollars going to Suleman. Tax dollars? Talk about spontaneous generation of reality. Nowhere in any article I’ve read regarding this woman does it mention that she’s getting government assistance. The article speculates about how she paid for the fertility treatments, or how she paid for the delivery, or how she will pay for childcare – but no validated article definitively says that she received one cent of tax-payer funded assistance. I’m not saying she didn’t, I’m saying I don’t know and neither does pretty much everybody else. But say she is receiving government assistance or will in the future, do people actually think that it will cost less per child to dump them into government sponsored foster care? Also, as far as the moral outrage goes, exactly how is it ethical to break up fourteen siblings simply because it’s supposedly cheaper? Personally, I love the hypocrisy of those who bemoan the burden this women and her brood will allegedly place on their tax dollars – and then in the same comment say that she shouldn’t get one damned cent from interviews or Oprah appearances because that would just be exploitive or evidence of her greed or something.

Understand something – there are certainly some ethical questions here, especially if a fertility specialist implanted more than two eggs into this woman’s uterus and thereby violated state guidelines. But that is a matter for the state medical ethics board, not abcNews and not the mob. I find abcNews and the comments from the outraged readers ethically disingenuous. I wonder where all the articles are, questioning the ethics of allowing the birth of babies addicted to crack or with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or severe birth defects or any other condition that will cost untold amounts of money over the lifetime of the child? Millions of tax dollars. I wonder why abcNews hasn’t published articles questioning the ethics of allowing poor people to have children. Seriously, where do we draw the line abcNews? If Nadya can’t pay for her kids (something that has not actually been proven, only speculated about), what about the millions of others on the public dole who demonstratively can’t pay for theirs? Are one or two welfare dependent kids OK, ethically? If fourteen kids are too many, how many aren’t too many? Ten? Five? One? Where’s your ethical outrage now?

Is Nadya Suleman crazy? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she just likes kids. Me, I’m overwhelmed with one child. I can’t imagine fourteen – but I’m not Nadya Suleman. Fourteen is a lot of kids … unless you’re a Mormon, or a Roman Catholic, or a … well, no need to belabor the obvious.

Here’s an example of how the article should have been written. Note the number of comments.

Funny how the ethical article about ethics didn’t generate the volume of rabid comments that the unethical article about ethics did, isn’t it?

I wonder what that says about our ethics as a people?

I know what it says about the ethics of selling newspapers.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

You See The Damnest People At Wal-Mart

Howdy, Internet Surfers.  Thanks for coming by.  This post is suddenly wildly popular again and has been linked to the People Of Walmart website (though I think they’ve removed the link section at this point in order to keep up with their sudden popularity). The original rant about the Wasilla Alaska Wal-Mart is here.  Again, thanks for coming by and feel free to comment on this post and to look around Stonekettle Station


 

You all know what I think of Wal-Mart.

I hate that stinking place.

No, hate is not nearly a strong enough word, loathe is more like it.

I really, really do. I loathe everything about Wal-Mart. And the Wasilla Wal-Mart? Well, there’s just a special kind of booger eating going on in there.

I avoid Wal-Mart like a Republican fundraiser, unfortunately, sometimes I really don’t have any options. I’ve just got to go there. And today was that kind of day. Now, when we do have to go to Wal-Mart, we try to go early on Sunday morning when every Christian Conservative (I.e. 99% of the MatSu population) is over at God’s house getting all holy with the Jebus. We’re usually in, out, and gone before the post-church marathon begins, because as near as I can tell without actually setting foot in a church, the standard Sunday message from the pulpit must be something like, “Jesus commands you to make haste from this place of worship, trampling the slower members of the flock if necessary, and hie thyself to the holy Wal-Mart where you will feast on McDonalds and roam the aisles loudly slurping coffee that tastes just like Pontius Pilate’s ass crack. Amen.”

Unfortunately, I had to go today – Saturday for those of you who are adrift in the time stream and have come unstuck from temporal reality. And even more unfortunately I didn’t get around to going until noon.

Saturday. At Noon. In the Wasilla, Alaska Wal-Mart.

Yep, we arrived precisely at primetime bizarroland hour.

Holy freakin’ crap.

Remember Wright’s Ten Laws Of Stupidity? Yeah, I may have understated those.

First lets start with with the economy. I’m calling Shenanigans on the whole “Recession/Depression” thing. Seriously. Because so far as I can tell, people have plenty of money. Shitloads of money. Every dipshit from Fairbanks to Edmonton was in Wal-Mart today, madly piling their carts high with crap like the Grinch packing his sleigh with stolen Christmas presents in Whoville. If this is what a depression looks like, it’s a wonder any of our grandparents managed to survive the 1930’s without being crushed under a mound of cheap consumer goods from China. It was like a feeding frenzy in there – seriously I thought the bargain DVD bin was going to get ripped apart like a pig carcass tossed into a piranha infested Brazilian river.

Then there was Witch Girl and Vampire Boy. I literally did a double take. No, really, thinking “holy shit, how in the 9th circle of hell did it get to Halloween already and I missed it?” She was dressed all in black, black boots, black skirt, black jacket, dyed black hair, black lipstick, black makeup like the rings around a raccoon's eyes. Black, well, except for the dead white, zombie-like skin – I believe that color is called “Dead In A Water Filled Ditch For Three Weeks White.” He was also dressed all in black, with the addition of a black Rocky Balboa hat and a ratty thin beard. Both looked as if they hadn’t showered in a while, a long while. And did I mention the piercings? I haven’t seen that much chrome outside of a Harley Davidson store since the last Terminator Movie. Speaking of movies, I looked around for the cameras, thinking maybe somebody was filming a sequel to 30 Days of Night.

Next it was The Bush Family. No not that Bush Family, the Alaskan Bush family. For those of you not from around here, the Bush is what we call any part of the state that basically hasn’t advanced past, oh, about 1830 – think Australian Outback with bears and moose instead of kangaroos and wallabies and you’re in the right ballpark. People live out there. Sort of. It sounds romantic I know, a log cabin hewn by your own sweat from the Alaskan wilderness, no electricity, no running water, no phones – just some sort of idyllic Disneyesque paradise free from the constraints of civilization. Reality is somewhat different. No running water and no electricity means no showers. Also, toilet paper is a major novelty. So is soap and toothpaste. So are clean clothes, haircuts, shaving and deodorant. Remember the shit covered peasants from Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Like that, only without the good dental hygiene. Look, I hate to be this way, but damn, you could smell these people from a long, long, way away. Filthy clothes, rancid grease, old sweat, rotten moose meat, and at least one of them had fallen into the outhouse, maybe more than one. There was an entire ecosystem living in Bush Man’s belly length beard, I swear I saw little eyes peeping out at me.

And speaking of that special ass flavor, there was Self Stocker Girl. She was unloading a cart of fresh vegetables. I noticed her because she kept stopping to scratch her ass. No, strike that. “Scratch her ass,” doesn’t properly describe it. She had an itch, way up there, way, way up there. She kept stopping to jab about three fingers far enough up her ass crack to perform a colonoscopy. Dig, dig, scratch, scratch. Then, she’d return to stocking the produce bins. Yeah. Produce. You’re really, really going to want to wash those fresh veggies. Just sayin’. Me, I'm sticking to canned for a while. Thanks.

There were at least four Screaming Babies. Screaming. Red faced. Tantrum throwing. Snot bubbling. Quivering chubby checks. Screaming incoherently. Like Rush Limbaugh on an Oxycontin bender. Maybe they got a whiff of the Bush Family, that sure made me feel cranky.

The coup d'état though, was The Blind Guy. Yeah, yeah, I’m about to go off on a blind guy – you know me, don’t even act surprised. Anyway, there was The Blind Guy. I know he was blind – the cane and the seeing-eye dog were dead giveaways. The dog had a big sign, Please Don’t Pet Me, I’m Working and Visually Impaired Assistance Animal. The reason I mention it was, well, Mr Blind Guy was perusing the gun counter. Allow me to repeat that, the blind guy was examining the handguns. Now obviously, the man had some vision, but seriously here folks – if you need a seeing eye dog, you probably shouldn’t be using a firearm. How does that work exactly? Does the dog do the aiming? Arf Arf, up up, right, no left, Ok … rut roh, no biscuit. Does the Alaska Department of Natural Resource go around and mark each game animal with Braille? Moose. Bear. Tourist. Oh don’t look at me like that (ba dump bump), a blind guy with a seeing eye dog at the gun counter? And I’m supposed to pretend that the jokes don’t just write themselves?

Yeah, Saturday at Wal-Mart, it’s like two-bit carnival freak-show.

What’s strangest creature you’ve ever seen at Wal-Mart?

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Volcano

Mount Redoubt 3

Original image courtesy of the Alaska Volcano Observatory, G. McGimsey, US Geological Survey

Last week it was earthquakes, this week it’s volcanoes.

In other words, it’s just another day in Alaska.

For those of you who have sent me email asking about Mount Redoubt, it’s no big deal. We’re in no danger of being entombed in red hot lava, or buried alive in ash, or chased from our homes by boiling avalanches of mud.

For those of you sending me death threats, well, so sorry about that. Better luck next time.

Redoubt is a hundred miles south of Anchorage, or about 160 miles south of me. If it blows like it did last time, we may see some ashfall. We’re prepared. I keep disaster kits in my truck and my wife’s Jeep. We’ve got plenty of canned food and camp stoves to cook it on if necessary. Hell, I even have a couple crates of MRE’s, but truthfully I’d probably gnaw my own leg off before I open those.

The big thing about volcanoes, at least in our location, is ash and abrasive dust. It can do serious damage to your lungs if you breath it in. We’ve got good filter masks, a pack in each vehicle and a pack in the emergency kit, so I’m not worried about it. Bigger problem is the dog and cats, they don’t take to filter masks well. I’ll lock them in the basement, if it becomes necessary – or the shop and run the big dust collection/filter system (hell, that might be the best thing for us human type people too). The dust is a much bigger threat to machinery, it can destroy an engine in no time flat. You need to have spare air filters on hand and change them frequently. It can also get into bearings and moving parts and cause abrasive friction failure.

On the other hand, if it falls on the roads, it’ll go a long way towards fixing the lack of friction problem we’re having at the moment (If you don’t get that, well, you probably live somewhere that the roads aren’t covered in ice all winter. It snowed last night, about eight inches and it’s still coming down at the moment. Whee).

Forgive me if I don’t get all spun up over Mt Redoubt. It rumbles. Sometimes it erupts, most of the time it goes back to sleep. Meh. There’s nine other active volcanoes in my neighborhood also, Spurr usually being the most petulant. Also, I lived in Iceland for several years, lots and lots of active volcanoes there. I once sat at an outdoor bar in the little town of Naxos, on Sicily, and watched lava flows from Mt Etna destroy a dozen homes and a 500 year old church less than a mile away. The Sicilians didn’t get excited about it, so I figured I’d keep ordering beer until people started screaming and running. A year later I watched Etna explode in the middle of the night from a US Navy ship ten miles off the coast, it was one of the most spectacular things I’ve ever seen, the mountain was on fire and fingers of liquid flame poured down the sides and into the sea, folks in Naxos were screaming and running then.

This is not to say that I don’t have a healthy respect for this type of natural force. I’ve walked through Pompeii and Herculaneum too. Becky, Beastly, and I once tramped across the live lava fields of Kailua, less than a dozen feet from 2000 degree lava flows after driving over towns that had been buried in the last major eruption. So, you know, I do take it seriously. And we’re prepared.

But I’m not all sweaty about it.

Again, thanks for asking.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

For those interested, the Alaska Volcano Observatory website for Mt Redoubt can be found here. There are two webcams, one on the mountain, and one an oil platform in the Cook Inlet. Both update every five minutes or so, but the one on the mountain is usually covered over in ice this time of year. Also, note that the AVO/USGS is experiencing a major deluge in traffic on this site, so every once in a while you get shunted to a low bandwidth text only server.

One thing about Alaska, it’s never boring.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Things That Chap My Ass, Part III

As previously noted, a lot of things irritate me.

I realize that keeping a list of such things could viewed as somewhat sociopathic behavior, however you should know that it irritates the hell out of me to have people point that out. If you want to remain on my good side, such as it is, try to keep that shit to yourselves.

Part I and Part II of Things That Chap My Ass.

Now, moving on:

- Idiot Search Functions: Specifically desktop search functions that search for a file on your computer using the single most retarded and inefficient algorithm possible. Search functions that search for an item on your local machine like a 12-year old randomly poking through the pile of crap under his bed. Seriously here, Microsoft, which one of you idiots thought it would be a good idea to start every single global search in the “Compressed Installation Files From 1999 That You’ll Never Ever Use” directory, then move on to the “Windows And Every Single Goddamned Windows Program File Subdirectory” Folder? Instead of say, I dunno, the fucking Documents directory? There’s a reason why everybody in the universe hates Microsoft.

- Motor Heads: Those guys that are utterly terrified of silence. You know, those clueless knuckle-dragging grease monkeys that get up early on the weekend, crank up the Shania Twain, and then spend the entire day, day after day, fiddling with something that burns gasoline and doesn’t have a muffler. Hell, everybody loves the smell of burnt hydrocarbon and the sound of internal combustion straight off the headers! Crank that shit up! Tuning and revving and roaring continuously, over and over and over, louder than an A-10 Warthog attack plane making a strafing run on the bombing range with its tank-busting mini-gun in full auto-fire. Cars, Trucks, boats, bikes, snowmachines, lawn mowers, 2-stroke, 4-stroke, whatever – as long as it’s loud. Rev rev rev. All day. They never go anywhere, or use the machine in question, but damn is that thing tuned up.

- Gum Snappers: People who chew gum loudly in public, mouth open, lips flapping and smacking, ferociously working on a mouthful of cud like Mr. Ed with a cheek load of peanut butter – and then suddenly without warning POP POP POP! Then back to furious chewing. I’d like to give these people a pop in the mouth, or embed them in a wad of their own bubblegum flavored shit and stick them to the bottom of a desk somewhere in hell.

- Go Faster Cars: Those little toaster-sized four-cylinder rice-burners with a total cubic engine displacement approximating that of a medium sized hamster – with the GIANT STAINLESS STEEL SOUP CAN MUFFLER AMPLIFIER. We’re talking the midget clown shoes of the automotive world here, folks. Seriously, this is the equivalent of putting cards in the spokes of your bicycle tires. Kids, the shiny soup can muffler does not make your car sound big and bad, it makes it sound like a moped with a thyroid condition. I’m not impressed when you pull up next to me and rev that thing, frankly it sounds like you’re throttling a sickly cat. Also do all those parts manufacturer stickers on the side of your jumped-up golf-cart make it go faster? That giant airfoil, the size of the St. Louis Arc? What’s that all about? My dad says that’s a handle, so you can hang your little go-cart up on a hook in the garage. Why not mount a fake batmobile rocket engine on the back? That would be just about as useful and functional (no, of course not, that would be silly). And what’s with those brake-lights? Brake lights = red. Not blue. Not pink. Not Silver. Not White. Red. Red means you’re stopping, which means that instead of crushing you unnoticed like a fucking bug in my 4-ton crew-cab pickup truck, I’ll stop too. Think about it. Really, look in the rearview mirror, and think about it.

- Bullshit Problem People: Those idiots ahead of you in line, the ones that always have some ridiculous problem that requires a convoluted and lengthy explanation when they get to the counter – then during the course of their rambling explanation it becomes glaringly obvious to everybody in line that the problem is total bullshit. People roll their eyes and shake their heads at how stupid the guy at the counter is, then they step up and do the exact same thing. Let me give you an example: The hinge on my Gateway Tablet failed, it’s under extended warranty, I took it to the Geeksquad counter at Best Buy. Best Buy’s Black Tie extended warranty is outstanding, and their Geeksquad guys are polite and professional – I like dealing with them and consider the extra warranty money well spent. But, frankly, I don’t know how those Geeks do their job. I tell you, I’d stab somebody in the eye with a chip-puller if I had to deal with the bunch of retards they do. First, there was Mz Computer Expert. Her laptop wouldn’t power up. She wanted a new power supply, right now. She had important work to do. She didn’t want any crap from the Geeks either, she knew all about computers. It was the power supply. Pure and simple. The Geek plugged the computer in, the green light came on, the machine powered right up. Well, Geez, that’s funny, she says. Besides that doesn’t explain why the lamp on her desk quit working. Uh Huh. Apparently Mz Computer Expert doesn’t know what a circuit breaker is. Then there was Coffee Spill Lady – she hadn’t purchased the extended warranty, but she expected the manufacturer to replace her laptop because, and I quote, “It just quit working for no reason!” No reason except the big sticky splooge of coffee, sugar, and creamer dried all over the entire keyboard that is. Well, yeah, she admitted, there might have been a coffee related accident somewhere in the vicinity of the machine around about the time it quit working. Pure coincidence. And besides the manufacturer’s warrantee should cover that, right? She actually thought Best Buy should give her a new laptop. Ten minutes of this bullshit. The guy behind her rolls his eyes and makes derisive snorting noises (OK, maybe that was me, but just go with me on this). She eventually leaves in a huff, the Geek smiles a small painful smile and motions for snorting guy to step forward. He plops his laptop on the counter, says something like “Can you believe people like that?” and proceeds to tell his long rambling bullshit story which could actually be summed up in four words: Laptop, Dropped, No workee. Do you have an extended warrantee? Yes. Great. Except the Geek can’t find Mr. Butterfingers’ policy in the computer. We go through his phone number, his wife’s phone number, his cell phone number, his previous phone number, his address, his previous address, his dog’s name, his mother maiden name, his finger prints, his retina prints, his DNA but it’s just not in the computer. More explanation. He used to be in the Army. He moved around a lot. Blah. Blah. He purchased the computer and warranty in Annoythefuckoutame Somewhereelse, not Anchorage. Shouldn’t matter, says the Geek, central database. Blah blah, my dad was in the Army, blah blah blah. The Geek keeps searching, but Mr. Butterfingers’ warranty isn’t in the computer. Wait! say Mr. Butterbrains, I have the receipt. It’s got the policy number on it. Would that help? It might, allows the Geek, heroically managing not to stab the guy right in the eye with a chip-puller. Mr. Butternut produces the receipt – from Circuit City. You may imagine the rest of the conversation for yourself.

- Parking Lot Stalkers: No, I’m not talking about those perverts who hide in late-night Wal-Mart parking lots to ambush unsuspecting female store employees. I’m talking about those irritating assholes who slowly follow you through the lot in their giant Belchfire Behemoth SUV’s in order to get your parking spot. It’s like being stalked by a big clumsy elephant. Then they stop, blocking the entire aisle letting traffic pile up behind them, and wait for you to load your groceries. Sometimes they get impatient if they think you’re taking too much time, then they honk, or rev the engine of their Hummers to get your attention like you couldn’t already hear that beast idling like a 747 on the taxiway, or they speed off in a huff in search of new prey. I like to walk as slowly as possible, shuffling along aimlessly - if they want my spot they’re going to have to earn it. Sometimes I stop, and stand for a while watching the plastic bags blow across the parking lot like graceful boneless chickens, just to see how long they’ll wait. Sometimes I get out my keys and pace briskly towards a parking spot right up front, near the door – and watch the Suburbans and Denalis and Navigators come speeding across the lot like hungry lions to the watering hole, bearing down on that fat tasty looking zebra. They curse and jockey for position, they’ll spend four hours running on a treadmill in their designer lycra shorts down at the gym but there ain’t no way in hell they’ll park more than ten feet from the door if they can help it. And just as the feeding frenzy reaches its crescendo, I put my keys back into my pocket and dodge between the cars into the next aisle over. Ha hah! There’s my car! Follow me! Do it enough and you’re like the pied piper of lazy selfish assholes, you can get a whole pack of them to follow you all the way to the furthest, most remote corner of the lot just for a chance at your spot – because by then it’s become a matter of principle, they don’t care how shitty the spot is, they’re not giving it up to the competition, bitches.

- Nancy Grace and Caylee Anthony: Seriously here folks, who in Atlanta thought that this pig snouted, big haired, whored-up, soap-opera milking, queen of the trailer-park trash, sensationalistic tabloid pabulum spewing, yellow journalism loving dye-job was an actual journalist? Investigative reporter? The only issues this irritating corn-pone accented rednecked Jeff Foxworthy caricature is investigating are the boxed wine specials in the local Piggly Wiggly liquor aisle. You’d think that Caylee Anthony was the only kid who’s gone missing and dead in the last fifty fucking years. Yes, it’s a tragedy, but it’s not half the tragedy that Grace and her ignorant self-righteous sensationalistic crusade has made of the once vaunted CNN. I wish this idiot would go missing herself for a good long while.

- Palinites: Those NeoCon retards who continue to try to make some kind of profound connection between Osama Bin Laden and Obama/Biden. Look it rhymes! Rhymes don’t lie. If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit! God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Our Mama’s gonna beat your Obama. Really shut the fuck up and go back to your little cabin in Montana or wherever. If the world ends, we’ll let you know. Maybe.

- LOL Trolls: Nothing says troll like ending every single sentence with LOL! I’m LOLing LOL! LOLing My Ass Off. LOL LOL LOL. Look, I’m using the Internets LOL! You’re an asshole LOL! Allow me to dazzle you with my clever trollish wit LOL! LOL, it’s the new period LOL!

- Cereal commercials: Attention Post, Attention Kellogg, Attention General Mills: I got it. You cereal is crunchy. Everybody knows. Cereal, it’s not a new invention. It is absolutely not necessary for you to run commercials with happy smiling morning people in bathrobes sitting around a table smacking and crunching and slobbering and talking about how your cereal is fortified with 8 essential sugars and enough fiber to imbue a camel with the ability to shit through the eye of a needle at forty paces. For the love of God, I really don’t need to see these people eating, and I really don’t need to hear them eating. What the fuck is it with cereal commercials? No other food product feels the need to demonstrate the sound of the their product being consumed. Steak? No. Canned vegetables? No, never heard the sound of the Jolly Green Giant chewing 3-bean salad echoing over Happy Valley. Pudding Pops? No. Oatmeal? No. Tuna in a pouch? And etc. So why do I have to listen to people eat your product. Really, I’m not interested in listening to somebody else’s digestive process. It’s a damned good thing the laxative manufacturers haven’t picked up on this idea – or the Beano guys.

I could go on, but I’m getting irritated just thinking about this stuff.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I think I’ll go have a bowl of cereal, maybe the crunching noise will drown out the sound of my neighbor tuning up his snow machine.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Oh Hell No!

Software company president John Thompson is the top candidate for U.S. commerce secretary, a senior Democratic official confirmed to FOX News.

Software Company?

Which software company? Because, you know, it's important.

Oh, God, no.

Symantec.

Symantec, creators of the worlds' absolute most useless piss-yellow interface? Symantec, the company that can't adhere to basic standards for look and feel? Symantec, the operators of one of the worst ever customer service departments in the history of software companies? Symantec, creators of one of the biggest pieces of bloatware since the Windows platform it runs on?

Symantec? Symantec?

That Symantec?

Good Lord, President Obama, you're tech savvy. What the hell are you thinking?

_________________________________________________

Update: for those of you surfing in from Scalzi's Whatever this morning. Howdy. Note that we're (mostly) big gushy Obama fans around here, please read on, you'll see. However, I'm really not a fan of Symantec or Thompson. Really. Hell, I'd be happier if President Obama picked Bill Gates for Commerce, but then again he didn't ask me.

Anyway, thanks for coming by.

Yet Another Law That Sounds Good, But Won't Actually Work

Well, OK, you got me.

It actually doesn't even sound good.

House Bill H.R. 414, otherwise known as the Camera Phone Predator Alert Act is the brainchild of New York Representative Peter King (R). Currently in committee, H.R. 414 would require all cell phones with an embedded camera to make an audible fake shutter noise or a click when taking a picture.

Yep, shutter noise - like thongs, it should be the law, missy.

King wants all phones to make some kind of noise loud enough to be heard "within a reasonable radius of the phone whenever a photograph is taken with the camera in such phone."

“Reasonable radius” is not defined in the draft bill, so I guess it’ll be up to the cops. “All right, hold it right there, Pal, this is the police! Drop the phone and kick it over here. I’m ten feet from you and I’m not hearing any clicking!”

The logic being that children are being exploited by an army of camera phone wielding perverts. See apparently, predators take pictures of kids in locker rooms and restrooms and such like that with their stealthy silent camera phones and publish the resulting porn on spankthemonkey.com or something. Also, there’s apparently a bunch of, uh, well, technically I guess they’re called ‘men,’ who like to take pictures up an unsuspecting girl’s skirt or down her shirt – usually this is done in a public place (I admit to being not completely clear on the sport, researching it on the web is not something you want to be doing if you’ve got young children around or if you’d like to remain off the FBI’s cyber-crimes watch list. Just sayin’).

Now, just so we’re clear here – I’m really not standing here supporting the rights of covert picture snapping pervs. No really. I know you’re shocked, especially those of you who have me pegged as a bunny petting liberal. Personally, I think that a better law would be one that engenders the general public to beat the ever living snot out of anybody caught engaging in such behavior. Tar, feathers, and baseball bats optional. I think a law like that would go a long, long ways towards curbing the perverts, but hey, that kind of liberal thinking never works.

And to be honest, I can think of a number of reasons for cell phone cameras to make a loud noise when used, and not just so we can spot the pervs in the locker rooms. Camera phones are banned from a number of workplaces, because employees were using them to photograph sensitive information. Camera phones are the interactive cheat sheet, students photograph their tests and send the images to their friends in the library and get answers texted back – most schools have banned phones in the classroom for this reason. Camera phones are used extensively by terrorists (overseas mostly, which this law would obviously have no effect on) to conduct covert surveillance as part of the pre-attack planning phase, often it’s children who are given this role. Camera phones are used to invade the privacy of average citizens, at accident scenes, in hospitals, in public. Give it some thought and I’m sure you can come up with a dozen examples for yourself.

So, if Representative King gets his way, all of our camera phones will be making a loud faux shutter noise.

Think that will curb the kind of exploitative porn described above?

Yeah, sure.

Here’s what will happen should this bill pass:

- Our phones will probably get more expensive by some significant multiple of the dollar. Manufactures will have to make special phones just for the US market. Now it’s true that they do already to some extent due to our idiotic three system, non-universal GSM cell standards, which means our phones don’t work in most other countries or even with a different US cell phone service. But basically that’s only a SIM card issue – swap the card and the phone works on a different system without changing the core electronics. The noise and speaker control is a coding issue. So, you’ll have to program certain phones for the US and certain phones for non-US markets. That means our phones will be more expensive.

- You will damned sure know when somebody is taking a picture of children. Say like an auditorium full of parents with camera phones watching their kids’ kindergarten play, or six grade band concert, or high school graduation. In fact, it’s likely that that’s about the only thing you’ll be hearing.

- Those using a phone to record a crime, of which there have been numerous examples lately, would put themselves at risk. “Hey, hear that noise Mr. Cop Beating the Snot Out of That Black Motorist? Howsabout coming over here and kicking my ass too?”

- People will still be able to shoot covert video – yes, video capable phones often display a red LED when filming, which is why people put their finger over it, or cover it with tape.

- Museums and art galleries and other such traditionally quiet places will be full of clicking and loud shudder noises – and probably a lot of irritated people.

- Actual cameras, including old mechanical wet film instamatics and SLR’s, and especially little nearly invisible high resolution digital cameras will remain silent or mostly so.

- A lucrative and highly popular business of hacking the phone’s speaker electronics and/or code will emerge pretty much instantly.

- Plenty of older phones without the mandated noise function will remain is use for years to come.

- Deaf and hearing impaired people will have no warning of exploitation. This is discriminatory. Somebody will sue. It’ll be a class action lawsuit.

and

- The perverts and child predators will be completely unaffected.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Earthquake

image

Preferred Hypocentral Solution:

Local Date:
Saturday January 24th, 2009

Local Time:
09:09 AM AKST

Universal Time:
01/24/2009 18:09:50.716 UTC

Magnitude:
5.73 ML

Latitude:
59.3888

Longitude:
-152.8107

Depth:
62 miles (100 km)

Author:
UAF:dutylap

This earthquake was:

22 miles (35 km) E of Augustine Volcano

48 miles (77 km) WSW of Homer

98 miles (156 km) SW of Soldotna

112 miles (180 km) N of Kodiak

162 miles (259 km) SW of Anchorage

253 miles (405 km) WSW of Valdez

413 miles (661 km) SSW of Fairbanks

663 miles (1061 km) WNW of Juneau

_______________________________________________________________

The windows and the plates rattled, but it only felt like a 3.5 here in Palmer.  We’re fine. No reports of significant damage or injures. Just another day in Alaska.

Thanks for asking.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Alaska Territorial Guard: A Debt of Honor Unpaid (Updated)

ATTENTION BLOGGERS, PUNDITS, AND NEWS MEDIA

This article is the intellectual property of Jim Wright and Stonekettle Station, it is protected by copyright.

I explicitly do not give permission to quote this article solely in order to attack the President of the United States or to make any other rightwing political point. Period and no exceptions. And I explicitly do NOT give permission to use my words to praise former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin in any way whatsoever.

Let's be honest here, not one of you conservative pundits gave a good Goddamn about these people either, none of you did a damn thing to bring this matter to the attention of the American people, and none of you actually care now - you're only using this to attack the current administration. So save your outrage and self-righteous indignation and leave my words out of it. You're welcome to your hypocrisy, but you can do it without quoting me. Clear?

You may quote me, providing you quote only a brief passage (one or two lines), give a link to this article, AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA DID NOT CREATE THIS MESS.

While I absolutely DO NOT agree with Obama's current veto of this bill and I find it unacceptable, the plight of the ATG is the result of 70 years of bad policy by both republicans and democrats. I.e. There's plenty of blame to go around. Laying it at the feet of the current president or claiming that it's part of some greater anti-military liberal agenda only clouds the issue further. And it should be noted that one of the principle people leading the fight to restore full benefits to the members of the Alaskan Territorial Guard is Senator Mark Begich, a liberal, and a member of the Democratic Party.

Acknowledge the actual situation as it exists and don't use my words to further your agenda, and you may quote me in accordance with fair usage as defined by US copyright law. Otherwise, don't.

This applies to both liberals and conservatives and any damned body else. This means you.

If you feel that you should be granted some kind of exemption or you have questions regarding exactly what you can quote or not quote, you may email me at the address on the main page of Stonekettle Station and we'll discuss it.

- Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station.

___________________________________________________________________



In 1937, US Army Chief of Staff, General Malin Craig, said “The mainland of Alaska is so remote from the strategic areas of the Pacific that it is difficult to conceive of circumstances in which air operations from there would contribute materially to the national defense.”

Less than five years later, General Craig was proved rather obviously and painfully wrong.

General Craig retired in 1939, relieved by General George Marshal, and while Craig’s attitude towards the Alaskan territory was significantly shortsighted, he can be forgiven for it. Craig was by no means a fool, instead he was a highly decorated and experienced soldier who demonstrated commendable courage and leadership during the St. Mihiel and Argonne-Meuse Offensives in World War I . He was recalled to active duty in September of 1941 and served honorably until his death on July 25th, 1945. He was buried with honors in section 30 of Arlington National Cemetery where he rests to this day.

Craig’s military assessment of the Alaskan Territory was typical for his time, i.e. the intra war period of the 1930’s. The territory was remote and by and large inaccessible (there were no roads to Alaska then and damn few roads inside Alaska, and few ports - none of which were deep water). Alaska’s vast resources were mostly unknown then, the easy gold deposits were long gone and little else mattered except maybe a small amount of platinum and some silver. General Craig was also a product of the so called Mahan Doctrine – the military philosophy adopted by all major powers of the time and named for Naval Academy strategist Alfred Thayer Mahan, which basically said that a nation’s ability to define its own destiny was vested in sea power, or more specifically in capital ships, i.e. Battlewagons. Nations of the time were embarked in a race to see who could build the biggest and most powerful fleet of battleships without going bankrupt. WWI had also taught men like General Craig that if you didn’t want to get bogged down in the trenches of France and Belgium, you’d better have a big, powerful mechanized army – i.e. tanks, and lots of them – and this also was part of the Mahan Doctrine, because in order to move those tanks and the rest of your troops and equipment and supplies, you needed a powerful fleet to protect the transport ships. If you’re paying attention, you should now understand why Germany built all those U-boats and why Craig himself was responsible for the single largest modernization effort in US Army history (which led in no small part to US military superiority during WWII).

However, what Craig and the other Western military men of the time didn’t know, was that the Mahan Doctrine was utterly obsolete – and had been since 11:02 on the morning of January 18, 1911. On that cold, crisp winter morning in San Francisco harbor, a tall skinny daredevil named Eugene Burton Ely, a pilot with the Curtiss Aircraft Company, landed a Curtis #2 Pusher on the deck of the heavy armored cruiser USS Pennsylvania AC-4. Fifty-four minutes later, he took off again (scared shitless - he wasn’t afraid of crashing, but rather of drowning - Ely couldn’t swim and was terrified of water) and changed the world. Naval aviation was born. It took thirty years of development, thirty years to train the pilots, build the planes, build the aircraft carriers, and to work out the techniques. During most of that time, General Craig’s time, aviation was regarded as a military support function by Western militaries and not a combat function – the term “Air Superiority” and the concept it embodies hadn’t been conceived of yet – in the West.

All of that changed on the morning of December 7th, 1941, when the Japanese, striking from ships steaming hundreds of miles away, dealt a devastating blow to the US Pacific Fleet anchored in Pearl Harbor. In that single moment the military philosophies of Alfred Thayer Mahan and General Malin Craig were violently demonstrated to be long obsolete. The weapon of the modern age would be airpower, long range airpower – and suddenly, Alaska was was very, very important indeed. Not to just the US, but to the Japanese who invaded the Aleutians and began pushing toward the mainland.

The US military suddenly found itself fighting on a dozen fronts, the Marines and Navy in the Pacific, the Army in Europe, and the Navy and Coast Guard in the North Atlantic (it would be five years before the US Army Air Corps would become the new US Air Force). There was little to spare for Alaska, but the territory had to be defended. The Army Corps of Engineers began construction of the Alaskan Canadian Highway, a muddy rutted jeep track built by Buffalo Soldiers and other units of the USACE. A deepwater protected port, Whittier, was constructed on a shelf blasted out the solid granite mountains on the western edge of Prince William Sound and a 2.5 mile long tunnel was blasted straight through the base of the mountains to connect the new port to the growing military city of Anchorage. Island fortresses were built on Kodiak and on Adak and Shemya in the Aleutians. New airfields were blasted from the wilderness at Richardson Field, Greely, Delta, King Salmon, Cold Bay, and a hundred other places so remote that most Americans had never even heard of them. That vast effort and the heroism of that long ago time is part of the history of Alaska – it changed the very fabric of the territory and led directly to statehood in 1959. All of us Alaskans today benefit from those efforts, from the Alcan, and Whittier, and the railroads and airfields and the roads.

But it wasn’t enough, not back then.

See, despite all – there was still Alaska itself. It is a vast and powerful land, rugged and unforgiving. The troops who came to defend the territory in 1941 were in large part unprepared. Their equipment was ill-suited for the harsh environment, much of it failed or was simply overwhelmed by conditions that can freeze 80-weight differential oil solid as amber. Their training in cold weather survival was inadequate, many suffered serious cold related injuries. Veterans of the Bulge speak of that horrible winter in the black forests of the Ardennes, but the troops who braved Alaska’s brutal winters to fight in the Aleutians often had it far worse – though their tribulations are largely forgotten today.

And so the Army set out to find a solution – something to protect the vital Alaskan coastline and patrol the remote areas, something to give early warning in the event of a Japanese threat to the critical Lend/Lease corridor to Russia, something to train the troops in arctic survival and operations.

And they found it.

They found their solution in the remote and isolated villages of the Aleut, the Yupik, the Athabaskan, the Inupiaq, the Tlingit, the Haida, the Tsimshian, the Eyak, and the other native Alaskan peoples. Incorrectly called Eskimo Scouts, the Alaska Territorial Guard was formed from mostly native Alaskan volunteers. Both men and women, the oldest 80 and the youngest 12. From 1942 to 1947 these unpaid volunteers from 107 native communities patrolled Alaska. Officially there were 6,368 of them, unofficially it was more like 20,000. These men and woman rallied to a flag and a cause that was largely not their own. They learned to fight and to shoot and to operate Army equipment and they did it so well that battle hardened veterans from Outside were often left in awe of their abilities, dedication, and perseverance under some of the harshest conditions on Earth. The members of the Alaskan Territorial Guard, the ATG, managed weapons and ammunition stores for the Army, trained themselves in drill and firearms and tactics, managed communications and transported equipment under conditions that no others could function in, constructed buildings and support facilities including airstrips and ports, conducted coastal surveillance and long range extended patrols on foot, broke hundreds of miles of wilderness trails, cached emergency stores and ammunition for the Navy, performed land and sea search and rescue of downed airmen and shipwrecked sailors, and directly fought against the enemy in the Aleutians. The ATG was commended for shooting down a number of Japanese bomb balloons and remote surveillance radiosondes and for the difficult rescue of downed airmen from planes that crashed on the arduous journey to Siberia in the Russian Lend Lease program. Members of the ATG also performed medical care for wounded soldiers at a field hospital in remote Kotzebue. And above all, the ATG provided training to the regular army in cold weather operations – training that saved thousands of lives and who’s legacy continues to this day for the troops who guard Alaska and its vital resources.

Though heroic, the efforts of the ATG are long forgotten by history, just another footnote in a time of chaos and war. The bases they built molder on the shores and in the interior, I’ve walked through the ruins of many and marveled that men could carve such places from the wilderness. I’ve stood before the monument at Soldier Summit in the Yukon, the Military Memorial on the Parks Highway just south of Denali National Park, and before the monument on Attu at the far end of the Aleutians – and stood in awe of those who rallied to a banner not their own and swore to give their lives in defense of a desperate nation that barely even acknowledged their existence and called them Eskimos instead of by the true name of their peoples.

But because they were volunteers, and because they were natives and members of the ATG – the Army did not recognize them as true soldiers. After the war they were largely forgotten by the outside world, and many returned to their homes. But some, some continued to serve and they didn’t forget us, in 1959 many former members of the ATG were the driving force behind Alaskan Statehood. And former native members of the ATG were instrumental in the implementation of racial equality within the ranks of the army and within Alaskan communities.

In 2000, largely due to efforts by former Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens, a bill was signed into law ordering the Secretary of Defense to issue Honorable Discharges to all members of the Alaska Territorial Guard. The bill was intended to repay the debt of honor we as a nation owe these people, these Americans, and provided many of the surviving members (now in their 80’s and many living far below the poverty line) with retirement pay and survivor’s benefits and medial care. However history views Ted Stevens it must be noted that he was largely responsible for righting a dishonorable and inexcusable injustice. However, the story of the ATG doesn’t end there – most of the elderly surviving members of the ATG live in remote and inaccessible locations. Finding them was long and difficult. In 2003 Colonel Bob Goodman USA(ret), undertook the effort to find and assist the remaining members of the ATG, at first funded by the state and later out of his own pocket. So far he and his people have located over 150 former members of the ATG, and they estimate there are several hundred more – and they continue their efforts to this very day. Many of those located in the last five years have since died of old age. For those who remain, the benefits provided aren’t much, some medical care and a couple hundred dollars a month, but for folks who now live far below the poverty line in villages where gasoline costs more than $10 per gallon – those benefits mean the difference between life and death.

Those benefits, that mere pittance in retirement pay, would seem to be the least we can do for those forgotten veterans of that long ago conflict.

It would seem to be the very least we could do.

But it’s not.

It turns out we could actually do less.

It turns out that the Army could suddenly decide, say yesterday in fact, to reinterpret the law to read that these men and women of the Alaska Territorial Guard, these men and woman who came to defend our nation in its time of need, these men and women who fought bravely for a flag not even their own, who built the roads and the airfields and the hospitals and the bridges and who rescued downed airmen and stranded sailors and braved the cold and the isolation and the horror of war – these men and women – are not, in fact, entitled to even that small effort.

That’s right. The Army has decided to cut off retirement pay for the twenty-six surviving members of the ATG. Twenty-six, and applications from thirty-seven more identified by Colonel Bob Goodwin and his people have been suspended. Apparently we can not afford to take care of even this small handful of people, this small handful of veterans, this small handful of Alaskans, this small handful of Americans.

However, in a good hearted move, the Army will not seek to recoup past payments.

Big of them, wouldn’t you say?

___________________________________________________________________

Update: In response to some seriously bad publicity in the press and on the net, and following a visit by an Alaskan congressional delegation, Army Secretary Pete Geren has decided to do the honorable thing. Because that's just the kind of guy he is, apparently. Secretary Geren has ordered the Army to dip into emergency funds and issue a one time only payment, equal to two months retirement pay, to the ATG members who had their retirement pay cut off last week.

No mention of why it took a congressional demand, letters to the President, and a shitload of bad press to get the Army to behave in accordance with their professed core values of honor and duty. Funny how the funds were found to pay this debt only after it looked like it might negatively impact unpopular wartime recruiting efforts. Oopsy, should have seen that one coming. Also funny how this emergency payout costs less in total than the new furniture and carpeting the Secretary and Joint Chiefs get in their offices every two years, or the cost of those motivational posters they think are so fucking inspiring, or the gardening bill for one flower bed outside the Pentagon, or the cost of fuel to fly the Admiral's private Gulfstream III over to this year's Tail & Hookers convention, or one of those spiffy static displays in front of every Air Force Base in the world, or one paycheck to the average Haliburton contractor washing towels in Bagram, or...oh, fuck it, nevermind. I suppose I should be glad that it happened, even sullenly and under duress.

Supposedly this one time payment, gives Congress time to fix the law permanently. We'll see.

Meanwhile? Meanwhile there's still 300 hundred surviving members of the ATG out there.

Army honor does't seem to extend that far though.


Forgive me if I'm somewhat less than impressed.

___________________________________________________________________

* Alaskan Senators Lisa Murkowski (R) and Mark Begich (D) are preparing legislation to restore full retirement pay to the surviving members of the ATG who qualify, and they have sent a letter to President Obama asking him to directly intervene. The fact that this should be necessary is a disgusting travesty. The nation, and the Army in particular, owe a debt of personal honor to these men and women – and an apology. I strongly urge you to write to your congressional representative and demand that Congress clearly amend the law and require the Army to repay this debt

Update: Additionally, I think the CINC should order the Army to search out and contact every surviving member of the ATG and inform them of their rights in person. There's plenty of Army in Alaska, plenty of helicopters and plenty of uniformed bean counters. Cost? Sure it'll cost, look's like the Generals don't get new carpet this year. Too fucking bad, maybe we should cut off the heat in their offices too.

** The Army is legally correct in its actions, so far as I can tell. Once the discrepancy was identified, HRC is required to take action and suspend payments. Morally, however, well I'll leave that up to you. Personally, in my military opinion, honor demands that this debt be paid.

Update: while legally correct, it is obvious at this point that the Army does have the discretion to pay these men. Secretary Geran's action proves that. It should have been the Army who went to Congress about this matter and demanded that Congress fix the law and plus up the retirement account. Again, Army honor seems to be in short supply these days.

*** Where is our Governor in all this you ask? Busy, apparently, signing a $3 million book deal, and preparing for her run at the White House in 2012.

Update: Correction, apparently, Palin also signed the letter to President Obama. One wonders where she found the time, at least she didn't blame this failure on Tina Fey.

- CWO Jim Wright, USN(ret)