Friday, March 19, 2010

This Week’s Very Important Question

Pretend you’re a Republican member of Congress.

You’ve spent the past nine months doing your damnest to make sure 47 million Americans can’t get access to healthcare.

First you justified your obstructionism by saying that a healthcare reform amounted to socialized medicine. You fought tooth and nail against any kind of public option.  You fought with every fiber of your conservative soul against expansion of Medicare. And you won.

After you’d won that point, you justified your continued obstructionism by saying that healthcare reform would in essence “kill babies” by providing public funded access to abortion. You spread propaganda to convince the population that healthcare reform would turn grandma and poor handicapped Trig Palin into Soylent Green.  And you succeeded yet again by manipulating public fear and instilling hysteria over non issues so that your pals in the insurance industry wouldn’t have to cover hospice and end of life counseling.  Well done, really.

And then, of course, you played your trump card: Healthcare reform costs too much.  If we allow every American access to healthcare, we’ll ruin it for everybody. We’ll go bankrupt taking care of the freeloaders.  You want healthcare? Then get a real job, hippies.  Right?


So here’s the question, now that you’ve made sure that not one dollar of my money goes to pay for an abortion, or end of life care and counseling (and really, thank you for that, People like my father-in-law can now die without access to counseling or end of life care or advice on a living will, afraid, confused, angry – as any real American should) and now that the Congressional Budget Office has shown that the current version of the bill is projected to actually reduce the Federal Deficit by $138 Billion over the next decade how do you justify your continued opposition? 

A) Glenn Beck said we don’t need no stinking healthcare reform, and we don’t like to make Glenn angry

B) Healthcare reform will give illegal alien homosexual atheist terrorists free pap smears and that makes Jesus cry

C) Barrack HUSSEIN!! Obama. Duh!  Terrorists will win!

D) write in your own answer: ________________________


Think carefully. As always, the correct response grants you access to the bunker and rationed use of the First Aid kit when the Zombie Apocalypse comes.  The wrong answer means that you’re already infected and you’re wandering the countryside in search of an actual brain.


  1. Duh, Jim.

    I got mine, and everyone else can go to hell.

    I feel like I should be working on my swing with the ol' ClueX4 (tm) so I can whack heads with it.

    (Confirm word is prants. That would be what the prats in Congress do instead of skip. They prants.)

  2. I say feed Glenn Beck to the Zombies. We'll be rid of him... and the infection he carries may well kill the Zombies, too.

    Yeah, I can't even pretend to be a conservative Republican member of congress. I'm good at RPG, but not THAT good.

  3. Duh, the answer is (D) -- I got good innsurance so screw the rest of you.

  4. Oh, rationed use of the First Aid Kit in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse? That's just code for Communist, ain't it? We'll have none of your damned socialist First Aid kit sharing. If you had thought ahead (and had a JOB), you'd have your own Zombie Apocalypse First Aid Kits (ZAFAKs) and you wouldn't need any of this Nazi Fascist share and share alike shit. I hope you're happy now. Enjoy bein' Zombie-chum.

    WV: prealiz - Erectile dysfunction drug designed to be taken before the onset of puberty.

  5. The first line of your post, Jim, reminds me of Mark Twain's classic line: "Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself."

    In that spirit, my answer for "D" is:

    Derrpy derpy derp. I'm a big fat Republic. Derrrrrrrrrrrr.

    (Sorry. So much for trying to be nicer this year....)

  6. D) Come into the closet here with me and I'll tell you.

    D) Canadians will quit coming here now to get all their healthcare needs taken care of, causing the collapse of our economy.

    D) If you were a decent Christian American, God would have made sure you somehow were rich enough to afford your own insurance, ya sniveling heathen sponge.

    D) (and my very favorite!) We've always supported a single-payer public option for anyone who wanted it, but the goddamned Democrats pulled together this bill that doesn't have one in it.

    I'd like to kick them all right square in the groinal area - democrats too for being such pansies.

  7. My answer for D is that the Republicans are zombies and shambling towards the Zombie Apocalypse(TM) as fast as they can.

  8. D) OK, fine, it will reduce the deficit, but lots of corporations will have to spend more to insure all of their employees, and THEN where will they get the money to bribe me?

  9. D) Id rather pay much more money to support the child over it's lifetime of welfare and social programs than help to pay for the child to get aborted, they never think into the future.

    I just got into politics, and I can't believe the IDIOTS we have in house/senate. It makes me cry.

  10. D) Our Lord, God, and Savior Rush Limbaugh said he'd go to Costa Rica for medical treatment if the healthcare reform touted by the President is passed. We can’t be responsible for that?

  11. D) We can't possibly allow anything good to happen on a Democratic president's watch, or people might get not vote us back into power forever where we should be.

  12. D) "My God, have you seen what Limbaugh, Malkin and Beck will do to an 11-year-old orphan? What do you think they'd do to an adult who broke ranks?"

    (H/T to Roger Ebert via susanbdot, who also gets a H/T.)

  13. D) Access to healthcare is a god-given right for healthy rich white Christians. Colored folks, poor white trash, and other heathens have those pagan home remedies handed down from their leftist grandmothers -- sluts and drug addicts all.

    @Eric, that link reinforced why I can't even stand to read about what the right-wing haters are saying. Their actions are unconscionable; I don't know how they can even live with themselves.

  14. Kelly, the zombies won't want Beck. Lack of braaiinss. He's unappetizing even for them. I would say that a L4D video-game head-shot would do him good, or at least the country good, but there's no vital organ Glenn Beck hides in his head. It's all center-mass for him. A good diuretic might help clear his thoughts.

    And D) If HCR reform wins the Republicans will be disgraced and demoralized. They'll be angry enough to win seats in the fall (you know, like every other mid-term election the opposition party gains seats). However, just like Social Security, Medicare, and Civil Rights, the Democratic Party benefits for the long term. Which means no "permanent majority" for the foreseeable future. Which is what they're pissing their pants over.

  15. Nick from the O.C.March 19, 2010 at 6:29 PM

    Can one make an ad hominem attack on Glenn Beck? Is it even possible?

    chapsy = girls with palsy can get chapped lips when ... well, never mind.

  16. i choose D). my primary reasoning is that given the current trend of the average american they expect the goverment to do more and more to support thier standard of livingnow i'm not saying th gov't should take healthare away from everyone there is a healthy number of people who do not have the means to get health care on their own (personally i blame the insurance companys, doctors and malepractice lawyers who file frivoulus lawsuits to line thier own pockets) i belive the goverment should take more of a Teddy roosevelt stand when it comes to dealing with insurance companys the doctors and lawyers who are making health care so unaffordable, which is step in give them a little gut check and tell them play nice or we take thier toys away, almost like what he did with the union AND workers during the turn of the century, further more (i can not remeber the presdidents name who did this Grover Cleavland i belive) but during a particularly difficult draught when the american people the american farmer asked the gov't for a bail out thhe gov't said it would not let it's self become a cruch for the american public as long as they had the means to help themselves and what happend the american people banded togather and pulled through the crisis with thier fellow brothers and sister, no i persoanlly am oppsed to most forms of goverment run health care, i am actually oppsed to most forms of the gov't stepping in to take charge of anything, but there are times it is right for our gov't to swing it weight around to ensure the saftey and well being of it's people, the American gov't is not and umbrella nor a crutch, it is an entitey that should be there to help you only when all other and reasonable means have been exhausted. but that is just my personal opinion, don't take away the public option, but don't hang millions of Americans who legitimatley don't have the means to helps themselves either.

  17. Pretend you’re a Republican member of Congress.

    I have just been convinced of the existence of the human soul, as I felt mine flee my body when I did this.

  18. I value my imagination, and I refuse to waste it pretending I'm a Republican.

    Besides, I'm pretty sure it would give me a massive migraine. As I don't have any type of healthcare whatsoever, that would not be a good thing.

  19. I got an email from one of my Republican family members this morning - this is the part where they get to "the point:"
    here are just a few Reasons this bill should not pass
    *IRS- will be in charge of enforcing each person to have insurance- fined $2000.00 or 2% of your income in you do not.
    *IRS can share all your information with E Commerce
    *Tax payers money will be used for abortions
    * Paying 4 years of taxes before bill is implemented
    * Will cost more than 2 trillion dollars when fully implemented
    * All student loans will be through the government, no longer will private money be available for school.
    * Government will set ALL prices for medical procedures
    * Government will decide who much & what medical treatment you will get- NOT YOU and NOT YOUR DOCTOR
    * Higher Taxes

    Yeah - I'm sure she just cut and pasted it from somewhere else, but she clearly believes this crap. She's my family, and I love her, but I'd really love to strangle her right about now.


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