Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Your Spam Will Be Graded

Is it just me?

Or do the spammers lately seem just a little desperate?

Yep, it’s spam folder clean out day. Bad news, spammers, not all of you will be advancing to the next grade.


- Hi, we are two geeks, and we would like to show you how we work for just a few minutes each day while we let our robot make us hundreds of dollars per year while we do whatever we want. It's so amazing, and simple....we are SHOCKED that not everyone is doing what we are doing...there really is no competition, and everyone could be rich if they want to be. It's crazy that we just have to work a few minutes per day. With a robot that can make you hundreds of dollars per year, I too am shocked that not everybody is doing what you’re doing. Wow. Hundreds of dollars, I gotta get me some of that.

- Women will bake you pies because of your mega size. Ohhhhh, I love pie. What kind of pie? Shoefly pie? Apple pie? Cherry is my favorite, just saying. And I purely hate peaches, so no peach pies, thanks. Also, I'm not sure I'm what you'd call "mega-size" so I probably don't qualify for a whole pie per se, but maybe they could bake me a tart or something? I'd be good with that.

- Prepare your manhood for deeds! The tagline from the next Van Wilder movie, no doubt.

- How many times have you lied about size of male pride? Never. Swear to God.

- Best oil for pork motor. I, uh, pork motor, what? Pork is greasy already, seems to me if you could make a motor from it, it wouldn’t need oil.

- A big instrument is a mortgage to success. Like a tuba, now that’s a big instrument. Chicks dig the tubaman. One thing though, I don’t think “mortgage” and “success” belong in the same sentence, just sayin’.

- Your cock size will be written on your forehead. There was this Marine once, when I was in Navy technical school, who drank too much Jack Daniels at a party and passed out. We wrote his cock size on his forehead, along with some helpful comparison diagrams. In permanent laundry marker. Then we took him downtown in a taxi and set him on a bench on the fishing pier in his skivvies. Oddly, the next morning, despite having his personal dimensions penned on his forehead, the chicks didn’t seem to find him all that attractive – admittedly, the vomit and sunburn might have been putting them off. From then on he was known around base as Corporal Dickhead.

- At spring girls put on their boobs and legs, dont miss your chance. Don’t miss my chance to what? And speaking of Marines, did I ever tell you about the two Jarheads who stole a one-legged hooker’s prosthetic leg? No? Well, they did. She was somewhat famous in that port, going by the professional moniker of “Hopalong.” There were T-shirts and everything. For the Marines it was sort of a rite of passage. Apparently she was quite enthusiastic, but had trouble staying centered, being as the missing leg was severed on the upper thigh near the hip. Supposedly this feature separated the men from the boys so to speak, as it required a certain degree of skill to remain properly positioned. Anyway long story short, she used to have to take her prosthetic leg off while, uh, servicing customers. She’d hang it on a nail on the wall. These two idiots took it as a trophy, I guess they figured they could outrun her – being Marines and all. Next morning there was a huge angry mob on the pier. No less than the mayor of the town was leading the procession and demanded return of the leg. The Master-at-Arms searched the ship, the leg was found in short order (though its location did have the MP’s stumped for a while) and the Captain himself returned it to Hopalong there on the pier in front of basically the whole town and had to apologize to the mayor. Later, at Captain’s Mast, the Marine’s defense consisted of the immortal line, “Shit, Skipper, I was so drunk, I thought it was my leg.” Just for future reference, really don’t use that as an excuse should you find yourself before the mast under similar circumstances.

- A giant, snow-covered banjo. Uh, what?

- Your wife will be cooking you food so you can have her right. You haven’t had my wife’s cooking, if dinner was left up to her we’d be eating frozen waffles and microwave pizza treats every day.

- Your will have such a biggie pride it will be enough even to divide. Now that’s what I call a reproductive system.

- Give her a serious bombing. Really, dude, you’ll be dynamite with the ladies. Talk about domestic terrorism.

- You'll brake walls with your boner. Well, hell, I’ve already got enough home repairs to do around here, I don’t need to be patching drywall too.

- Show your girlfriend what a real Sax is! Apparently they’ve got a pill that turns you into Charlie “The Bird” Parker. Go Pfizer! Instructions on the bottle: Grasp instrument firmly, place mouthpiece between lips and blow. Use tongue for extra effect…

- Get Clinton's charming skills. Um, which Clinton? Because, you know, it matters. You’d don’t want to be like Cypher in The Matrix, boy oh boy I wish I’d taken the blue pill…

- Every woman would like to hunt that beast inside your pats. Ah, yes, the fearsome pats beast. Bag enough of them, and with the right taxidermist you could make yourself a coat rack.

- Heave your sexual event with splendid medicaments. Look, I know we’re working through a translation barrier here, but generally it’s not a good idea to use "sexual event” and “heave” in the same sentence - also, I’d steer clear of “Ralph” and “upchuck.”

- Teach your woman obediency! Um, suuuuuure. You go first.

- Women always belittle men who don't amaze them with their extra dimensions. Ah, yes, the old, “excuse me, I’m a quantum physicist, you didn’t happen to see my superstring laying around did you? Give it a good yank and it’ll open a wormhole to extra dimensions you’ve only dreamed about, Baby” line. I understand this is heard most commonly in the bar at Mensa conventions.

- Now men with abnormal sizes can enjoy this life. Well, that’s good because I wear a size 10 1/2 narrow hiking boot, and they’re a bitch to find.

- We will make the serving size of your meat much larger. I understand Wendy’s was considering this as an advertising slogan, but it wouldn’t fit on the banners. Ultimately they went with “Supersize” instead.

- Wearing a small member is even worse than wearing hand-cuffs. Yeah, but if your member is small enough, you could use it to pick the handcuffs. That would be a useful skill.

- Magnesium oxide insufficiency is not your problem. Well, that’s good to know. Also, I’m pretty sure that Chromate Hexafluoride insufficiency is not my problem. Neither is Bromide Permanganate deficiency.

- You can't rent a big friend in your underwear… Yeah, but wouldn’t it be cool if you could? Howdy, welcome to RentaCenter, how can we help you? Well…

- Women will be standing in line just to touch your watch. Because the bitches are shallow like that. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ladies, please. No pushing, no shoving, and no throwing panties - well, Ok, but only in the Jello Pit. Really, you’ll all get your chance to touch my fake watch…Ten dollars for pictures with it though. $20 for a video of me putting my arm around your neck, $25 if you ask me for the time...

- Sleep with a sexy married woman tonight! Well, see, I already planned on that. Don’t tell anybody.

- A big equipment in your pants brings big fruits for hot chicks to pick up. Who’s this targeted at, Migrant Farm Labor?

And last,

- You have dishonored your families, your company and your nation. Even the hookers you invited to last year's lavish Christmas party now avoid you in shame," Mr. Robotto says. "Oh yeah, It's Seppuku time!" Jesus Christ, I’ve been drunk a couple of times and regretted it the next morning, but not to the point of actually embarrassing my entire nation. Even the hookers are ashamed, folks. Giving a ten dollar blowjob next to a roach filled dumpster in the back alley doesn’t bother them, but you? Well a girl has got to have some standards is all. Holy shit, dude, what the hell did you do? Painful Japanese suicide is the only answer, Loser-san. (I’m not really sure what this email was about. The spammer forget to include the usual link for man pills or faux Submariner watches – maybe it was for Samurai swords, or a job with the George W. Bush Freedom Library).


And with that, Whoosh! the spam folder is cleared out until next week.

And for you statistics nuts

Over a 1 week period:

Legit emails: 438.

Spam emails: 10,832…833…83456


  1. You are an evil, evil man.

    I am on the customer EBOLA call, and I can't stop snickering.


  2. From today's spam, I'll let it have a conversation with itself...

    Why do people participate in sex tours? Women don't care about tiredness or stress. Calm down your teen angst. Make your magic wand work all night long! Fight back the infection, what if you caught virus and needed help right now? Once you are a man again, nothing is impossible. Show her who the man is! You will uplift your lover's sex times and hoist your darling bed event.

    The rest was Greek to me!
    No, really, see? Мало клиентов и низкие продажи?
    Wait, maybe that's the Russian...

    So not only are they trying to sell me things for body parts I don't and won't ever have, they're wanting to do it to me in lanuages I'll never understand! Yeesh...give it a rest people.


  3. You'll brake walls with your boner.You missed the brake vs break.

    After all, if you brake walls, chances are you won't break anything.

    Just thought I'd point that out.

    And then run and hide.

  4. Naw, Michelle, I didn't miss it, I just couldn't think of how to work it into a joke. And considering the number of other typos, misspellings, and such in the other spam I figured I just let it go.

  5. In a few days I start to grade some 180 science literacy book reports. And there will be plenty of people "defiantly recommending" their book to others. Or is it they're will be plenty of people recommending there book to others?

    Sometimes it is all to too two much.

    Dr. Phil

  6. I love the snow banjo!.. Can I have one mailed to me please?

  7. You know, I never really understood the "manhood" and "male pride" thing. It's my penis, or dick if you want to be casual. I proved my manhood when I was a young man and a penis wasn't involved in any way. Also, I take pride in a whole bunch of things, the vast majority of which of which don't concern my penis.

    "At spring girls put on their boobs and legs" Hey, I didn't know they were detachable. Are they interchangeable, too? You learn something new everyday.
    And girls love the tuba players. Just saying. It's a breath control and lung capacity thing. And then we also have good embouchure. Trumpet and french-horn players are too tight and trombonists keep pulling girls closer and then pushing them away. Tuba players also usually have great upper body strength, especially those who march tuba. Having been one myself, I can verify this.
    As a bonus, I got to sit next to the very attractive double-bass clarinet player. Hmm, good times. Every adolescent boy should be tortured that way at least once. I got to be tortured every school-day for two years. HBO soft-porn just doesn't match up to her "preparing the reed."

  8. @ John the Scientist - Good thing is, the majority of spam that hits my gmail account is forwarded from an organizational site I have an address at for the office I hold. And that office ends in about a month and then I won't have that address any more. WHEEEE!!


  9. Last year, there was an old building up the road from me that was being almost completely rebuilt: the only thing that was left, actually, was a historic two-or-three-story brick facade that was propped up from the back while a new building was essentially built from behind. I'm not making this up, this story is absolutely true. One evening--I think it was a Sunday--I spent the day up at the corner at the local coffee shop and then walked over to a neighborhood bar for dinner; while I was there a huge storm blew in, wind and thunder and rain, and the power spazzed out a few times while I was at the bar and they lost their cable or satellite or whatever was feeding the sports channels on the big TVs. But the really big deal came after a huge crash was heard outside that turned out not to be thunder: someone came in and loudly asked if anybody there had parked a silver car in front of Fat City--if so, the car was gone. The brick facade I was talking about blew over in the wind and fell into the street, crushing at least one car. All true. Clearing bricks from the road had the street closed for a day or two and now the building that's been raised on the site is entirely modern, down to the glass and steel fronting.

    But you may see the point I'm getting at: if somebody had been able to brake that wall, maybe the car wouldn't have been crushed. I'm not sure a boner would have been enough to do it, unless maybe it happened to be Superman's boner, but then what would Superman be doing in my neighborhood in the middle of a thunderstorm with a huge superboner?

  10. 'what would Superman be doing in my neighborhood in the middle of a thunderstorm with a huge superboner?"

    Maybe Superman's a shower, not a grower? Then he'd be ready anytime. :D

  11. Well, this conversation just took an unexpected turn...

  12. Look at it this way, Jim, how long can you talk about spam before we'd have to declare that the spammers have won? I'm not sure I want to welcome our new tuba playing prideful brake dancing overlords...

    Dr. Phil

  13. "Well, this conversation just took an unexpected turn..."

    Oh come on. You have Eric, Nathan and I as regular commenters. And the subject of the post included male enhancement.

    This was totally expected. :p

  14. I totally didn't see the Superman tie-in coming.

    I am reminded of the Niven short story, Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex

  15. Coming soon to a theatre near you: The Superman SEX TOUR!!! See him wave his MAGIC WAND all night long! It allows him to leap tall blondes in a single bound!

    I could go on, but really do have to finish up this little bit of work before I leave today...


  16. Jim, surely it won't surprise you that the Niven story crossed my mind as I was writing the second paragraph?

    Like John said, you have him, Nathan, me--and with me, you get the comic book references, natch.

    So apparently I actually get to say you should have expected the unexpected....

  17. THE SPANISH INQUISITION!Nobody expects that, Michelle.

  18. Anybody know what the fuck is up with blogger eating the comment spaces lately?

    I really, really, wish they'd implement a comment edit function. Seriously, how hard can it be?

  19. I haven't used bold, but it seems to occur consistently with italics.

    My work around is to place a line break after the closing italics tag.

    So <br /> immediately following your closing em tag should help.

  20. I have a Physics sample exam problem involving Lois Lane thrown off the top of a tall building by Lex Luthor -- and Superman rushing up to catch her halfway down. Unfortunately, he's moving upward at around 200 mph and she's in free fall -- we're talking goo on the forearms instead of a catch here, folks.


    Dr. Phil

  21. Spam Subject Lines for which I have no reason to even look further: She Wet The Entire Bed.

    Oh great, we're dealing with soaked bedding and a major case of dehydration. And they say romance is dead in the 21st century... Who comes up with this stuff?

    Dr. Phil

  22. And today's shiney new offering:

    How to Turn on a Woman in 1 Minute - It's So Easy Even a Computer Nerd Can Do It!!

    Here that guys, there's hope for you yet!!

    Waitaminute...Ya mean we're supposed to have an on/off switch?!?!?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

    Have a nice day!

  23. I have a Physics sample exam problem involving Lois Lane thrown off the top of a tall building by Lex Luthor -- and Superman rushing up to catch her halfway down. Unfortunately, he's moving upward at around 200 mph and she's in free fall -- we're talking goo on the forearms instead of a catch here, folks.I think the comics-nerd "explanation" for that is that Superman near-instantaneously matches speed with the falling Lois. I suppose his super-physique keeps his internals from gooifying when he comes to a sudden stop like that? Whatever. This is where you separate out the hardcore comics nerds from comics nerds like me who laugh at the hardocre comics nerds.

    On an almost-entirely different note, it did occur to me yesterday that it's entirely supposition on my (and Larry Niven's part) that male Kryptonians have super-boners at all. Superman's an alien. Sure, he looks human. But who knows what he has under those longjohns and outside-underpants he wears? For all we know it's something utterly Lovecraftian.

    Just saying.


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