…that whenever there’s a cute young thing in the store that you’re surreptitiously watching walk away, there’s always some huge sweaty bastard in a dirty wife-beater T-shirt with his ass crack hanging out who manages to insinuate himself directly between you and the object of your gaze and stay there like a big stinking eclipse? Usually he’s eating something disgusting… or picking his nose.
… that whenever you’re in a hurry and there’s absolutely nobody on the road except for you, some clueless moron in a rusty jalopy will pull out directly in front of you – and then proceed to drive 20 miles per hour under the speed limit deliberately catching every single red light. For the next ten miles it’s a no-passing zone. Then inevitably, a semi-truck shows up out of no damned where and tailgates your ass?
… that when you just need to get an address or a phone number out of your online address book, that’s the moment when Windows decides that it just has to index every single bit on the hard drive? Or alternatively, that’s the exact moment your virus scanner decides that it just absolutely has to scan every single byte of data in the system? Or alternatively, that’s when every piece of software you own decides that it’s the optimal time to download updates? Or better yet, all three events occur simultaneously.
… that nobody calls you all week, but if you’re on the phone with an old friend that’s the exact moment every single person you know decides to call you? And the doorbell rings. And your wife hollers for you from upstairs.
… that they only clean the public restrooms when you’ve really got to take a piss?
… that your flight is only delayed if there are kids involved? Yours or somebody else’s – specifically the ones sitting directly behind you, kicking your seat. And speaking of air travel, why is it that every single person you end up sitting next to is either hygiene optional, afflicted with the fear of flying and Crohn’s disease, or just loves to talk about the Jesus – for eight hours.
… that your nose only itches when you’re cleaning the catbox?
… that if you’re all alone in an aisle at the store and you pass a little gas, a really hot chick will show up almost instantly to give you a dirty look? The more foul the gas, the larger the number of hot girls who will show up. Guaranteed if you had chili, pickled eggs, and dark beer for dinner the night before, you'll be sharing an elevator with the Hooter's A-Team in the morning.
… that if you’re on a long trip in the car and your wife has been dozing for hours without comment and you pick your nose, that’s the exact moment she opens hers eyes and asks how come you’ve always got your finger up your nose? And speaking of long car trips, how come your kid never has to go to the bathroom until the exact moment you pass the last rest stop or exit for the next sixty-five miles?
… that if you put up something really lame on your blog, for some reason that’s the day everybody comes to look? That’s the day you get links to half a dozen forums and popular blogs and CNN? And you can look at your stats and see them all looking at that one lame-ass post and you want to scream, Wait! Don’t go, read the thing about the Rubber Chicken, Dick Cheney, and the Lesbians! I swear that’s not lame. Please don’t read the lame post. Hello? Hello?
Maybe it’s just me.
What is that you notice?