Monday, September 1, 2008

You're A Winner!

OK, here it is. The moment all of you regulars have been waiting for.

Announcing the winner of the Stonekettle Station Jim is a Jerk Super Sweepstakes.

Now, I'm going to tell you all - picking a winner was a bitch. You're all funny as hell, and at a 167 comments and an even dozen emails there was a lot of snarky anecdotes to wade through. I read them all three times. I picked a winner at least a couple of times, each time it was a different winner.

Frankly I just couldn't decide.

Some of my favorite one liners:

- "And his fucking vote counted."
- "Oops. Godwin's Law. I lose."
- "...potty-mouthed slattern."
- "'What are you whining about?' cried Eric. 'At least you're not dead.'"
- "no, Janiece, you bite me"
- "
Seriously? Have you met me?"
- "I was way out of my depth on this one!"

I finally decided to declare Beastly the winner. Since he's staying at my house and I could save myself a couple of bucks on shipping and handling. But as it turns out that he doesn't want the damned prize. And then I started to think about all the whining and complaints of fairness and ethics and that kind of crap. Sigh.

So, just for you I read through the whole stinking list one more time. And there is was, I settled on the one person that made me laugh every damned time I read her comment - no matter how many times I read it. That comment began and ended with "Moo." I don't know why I found that just so damned funny, but I did - along with most everything else she wrote.

So, congratulations to Random Michelle.

Your prize, the fabulous one of a kind Alaskan Birch bowl with magic properties, will be forwarded sooner or later, probably sooner, maybe even tomorrow.


  1. Yeah Michelle! I knew you could do it! But will you still remember us little people now that you've won the whole enchilada?

    Jim, can I make a special request? Could you make sure that you send her one of the bowls that has the special encoded alien messages? Because Michelle deserves an extraordinary bowl for her efforts here.

    I think I can still pull that cheesecake back out of the Fedex box and put it in the freezer. I'll save it for Christmas.

  2. (blushing)

    You like me! You really like me!

  3. God, you're an asshole. No apple butter for you.

    But yay for Michelle!

  4. Woo hoo, Michelle!

    I was actually hoping she'd win.


  5. Do you think I should add this award to my resume?

  6. Yay! Michelle's the one who inspired me to participate more after her spate of hilarious anecdotes (on that crappy day that shall go unmentioned). She really deserves the win. :)

  7. Even though I didn't enter, not fair, you like her better! *stamps foot*

    (But congrats Michelle, what an awesome prize!!!!)

  8. By the way, I emailed my friend Kristine who's visiting her family in Palmer, & told her to stop by the farmer's market(I read Jeri's post about visiting you), & tell you I said hi & that you were a big asshole. I know she won't do it though, because she's a born again Christian. hehehe Actually, I might have offended her a little by even suggesting it. Oops!

  9. Yay Michelle!

    Jim, you're an asshole for not choosing me as the winner. Your assholitude is so pervasive and distinctive that it really speaks for itself. Or stinks for itself, considering your questionable hygiene.

  10. One more thing, am I blind, stupid, or just skimming through the million entries too fast? Why can't I find Michelle's winning entry? You said it began & ended w/ Moo. Now Michelle stuffed the ballot box by submitting 3000 entries, & there's tons of others, & I'm tired of going through them all. Can you post it? If not I'm going to think it's rigged you asshole!
    Nothing personal Michelle, I loved all your entries, they were all hysterical, but I'd like to read the winner.

  11. It may have been submitting via email, there were several entries that came that way.

    The line was "Moo, Motherfucker, Moo!" There was more but I was having a crappy day, and that line just made my entire me laugh for reasons that I won't disclose. I decided on Michelle based on effort, volume, crudity, and various other indefinable and arcane criteria.

    And there you have it.

  12. I don't remember that one...but I do remember an imaginary headline I wrote for Michelle that included that phrase:

    "West Virginia Resident Loses Fucking Mind

    "In breaking news, West Virginia resident Random Michelle was taken into custody by campus security after losing her fucking mind.

    “'She was running through the building with chocolate all over her face, laughing maniacally and screaming, "Moo, Motherfucker, Moo!"’ said an eyewitness.

    "Co-Workers indicate that yesterday she was in a vile mood, and most were afraid she was going to snap. Said her manager, 'I’m just glad she snapped over chocolate brownies and not with a machete or sub machine gun. I always knew she was unstable. Crazy bitch.'"

    Does that mean I win?

    If so, I donate my prize to Random Michelle, so she won't go medieval on my ass.

  13. I'm glad that everyone has come to appreciate the sheer genius of talking cows.

    Now that they have created Shetland Cows, I'm telling you that the talking cows ARE NEXT!

  14. Um, OK. Now I'm confused. Between the email, the posts, and visits, and websites, and the proposed T-shirt - and a certain amount of beer that may, may, have impaired certain higher brain function, I am no longer exactly certain as to what I read, when, and from whom.

    Sorry get all Ronald Reagan on your ass.

    So, I still declare Michelle the winner. Annnnnnnd I'll be sending Janiece some kind of consultation prize as well. Hell, I might even send all the rest of you people something - which kind of dilutes Michelle's victory, but you know I just don't care.

    Moo, motherfuckers, moo!

  15. Consultation prize - I meant that. As in Janiece provided consulting for Michelle's comment, or something, or ... oh to hell with it, somebody hand me another beer.

  16. Just to be clear, I did, indeed, post "moo, motherfucker, moo"

    It was on August 27, 2008 4:46 PM

    I checked, just to make sure I wasn't stealing the prize from someone else.

  17. And I don't care if I share victory.

    Because *I* am not an asshole!

  18. Oh thank God, I was afraid I was actually going to have to award prizes to everybody. I knew you were a good pick, Michelle.


  19. 'Moo, Motherfucker, Moo!' is my new favorite phrase. I literally started laughing so hard, it started a coughing fit from the cold that I can't shake.
    Janiece, that was brilliant writing, that started me coughing again!
    Michelle, sorry, I missed it in skimming through them all. You most certainly are NOT an asshole.
    Jim sure was sweating it there. I think ya'll should make him sweat some more, demand consultation prizes, editing prizes, whatever the hell ever prizes you can think of just to stir up the asshole!

  20. What? Does that mean I don't get my consultation prize?

    Because I will seriously hold your apple butter ransom, you asshole.

    Moo, Motherfucker, Moo!

    Hee. We crack me up.

  21. Consultation prize?

    Well, you supply eggs and butter and a pan and I can make you a batch of brownies in two weeks.

    Assuming I remember to bring the other ingredients with me. :)

  22. Squeee! Two weeks! I had forgotten we get a visit from Michelle and Michael! Eeeeee!
    [does happy dance on the table]

  23. Wow! It's been years since I've provoked table dancing!


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