Sunday, October 28, 2007

Foolin' Everybody Management Agency

[Actual Transcript of Recent FEMA News Conference]

[Deputy Administrator Johnson steps up to a cardboard podium mockup. 'FEMA' has been hastily sketched out in magic marker on the front]

FEMA Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson: Allrightee then, let’s get this show on the road. First question.

[Women in janitorial coveralls raises her hand]
Janitor Girl : Saaay, have you guys at FEMA lost weight?

Harvey: Well Chertoff's still a fatass, but I've dropped ten pounds, thanks for noticing.

Janitor Girl: Well, you're looking good, Admiral, and I'm not just saying that because I clean your office and you sign my paychecks. I think you're like totally hot.

Harvey: Well, I am pretty hot that's true! And you know what else is hot? Wildfires! They're hot, hot, hot! [Sign Language Translator makes the stock rimshot sign] Anybody got questions about wildfires? [Johnson makes the thumb/pinky 'phone' sign at Janitor Girl, mouthing the words 'call me, later'] [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for 'Ho']

Bob from Accounting: Admiral, Bob Smith here, from the uh, er, Accounting Department News Agency. I'm a real reporter and I'm like totally not lying about that. [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for 'retard']

Harvey: Well, of course you're a real reporter, Bob, and this is a real FEMA News Conference and there really were Weapons of Mass Destruction. Wink wink and so forth and so on. Did you have a question for me, Bob? You should, I wrote it down for you, it's on that yellow sticky note in your hand. [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for 'Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese fortune cookie factory!']

Bob from Accounting: [glances at yellow sticky note] uh, this is Senator Craig's private phone number.

Harvey: Other side, Bob. Oh, and I'll need that back when we're done here. [Sign Language Translator puts her tongue in her cheek and pumps it back and forth]

Bob from Accounting
: Oh yeah, sorry. [flips note over] OK, my question is 'Are you hippy with FEMA's response so far?' [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for 'WTF?']

Harvey: 'Hippy?' Bob, I don't think that makes sense.

Bob from Accounting: Well, this whole deal doesn't make any sense, Admiral. And your handwriting sucks. [squints at the sticky note] Uh, let me rephrase that; are you happy with FEMA's response so far?

Harvey: Am I happy with the response? Hell yeah, I'm happy. I make like a bizillion dollars a year and I don't live in Southern California, and I've got like totally hot janitors hitting on me, what's not to be happy about? [winks at Janitor Girl] [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for ‘Asshole']

Bob from Accounting: Yeah, but there’s like a million people homeless and the whole damn state south of LA looks like Dresden after the firestorm. [Sign Language Translator pulls out a cigarette lighter and inches unnoticed towards Johnson, the crowd of ‘reporters' becomes suddenly more alert]

Harvey: Whoa there, Sparky, slow down! Let’s not go gettin' carried away. I think you’re forgetting who decides who gets promoted around here. Next question [Johnson points at a guy in a UPS Deliveryman uniform]

UPS Guy: Sorry, Dude, we're not supposed to talk to the customers. I'm just here to deliver this package. Can somebody sign for this?

Harvey: That's not really a question, try again. [Sign Language Translator lights the bottom of Johnson's shirt on fire]

UPS Guy: Uh, can somebody sign for this quickly, please.

[smoke is rising over Johnson's head and flames can be seen licking above his shoulders]

Harvey: Come on, Man, just ask me a question. Whoa, is it getting hot in here, or is it just the janitor? [Sign Language Translator belatedly makes the 'rimshot' sign again]

UPS Guy: Anybody else smell smoke? [puts down package and leaves, Sign Language Translator and Bob from Accounting follow him. Janitor Girl looks around for a fire extinguisher, but there are only cardboard props]

Harvey: Anybody smell smoke? Is that supposed to be a joke? I can't believe you would make jokes at a time like this. Are you totally insensitive to what's going on in Cahleeforniah? FEMA is in there pitching, and we've come a long way since Katrina. FEMA is making real progress. Goddamnit it's hot in here!

Janitor Girl: [still trying to help out] What progress have you made, Admiral?

Harvey: That's more like it. Nobody has drowned this time around, have they? No flooding. No collapsed dikes. I'd call that progress. HOLY SHIT, I'm on fire! [dances around, slapping at the flames, the cardboard podium catches on fire]

Janitor Girl: Um, I've got to go, there's a plugged up toilet in the Lady's Room.

Harvey: Bitch! How about a little help here?

Janitor Girl: Don't worry, I hear Bush and Chertoff are flying in. I'm sure they'll help. Gotta go now. [she runs out the door]

Harvey: [facing camera, his head fully engulfed in flame] Well, good night and thanks for coming. Remember FEMA is on top of the situation and you can count on us!


  1. ::snorts ice tea all over laptop and cat::

    Hilarious, especially the sign language translations. Can I share this?

  2. I want to play the sign language interpreter in the SNL sketch.

    Can I, huh, huh, huh?

    You can credit me as "Karma's Assistant."

  3. "And now, live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live Totally Fake FEMA News! with you guest host, Michael Chertoff!"

    Seriously, I'd love to know who thought this was a good idea:
    - Say, Bob?
    - Yes, Admiral?
    - I was thinking real reporters suck, let's just fake a news conference on National TV.
    - Ohhh! You're a fucking genius, Admiral! Real reporters are idiots too, they'll never figure it out! Let's do it!

  4. Your tax dollars at something other than work.

    Yeah, first ringers in the West Wing Press Corps, and then this. How far away is Jan 20, 2009? Damn, too far.


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