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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A Man Walks Into a Bar With a Chicken and a Two-foot Salami…

The Pope died and went to heaven.


He was stopped at the gate by a sleepy watchman who said, "Halt! What do you want?"

Great! I do 30 years of God's  work to get stopped by this clown, The Pope thought. Out loud he replied,  "Look I am the Pope. I have done many years of good work.”

“Got any ID?”

“I’m the Pope!”

The guard says, "Sorry, Buddy, I’m just kidding. Admin lost your orders, don’t worry we’ll get it sorted out.  Go over to the Transit Barracks and get some rest and we'll see you in the morning." 

He then gives the Pope directions to an old WWII open bay barracks and a chit for the base galley. The Pope checks into the barracks only to find all the lower bunks taken and the only lockers left have no doors.  So he throws his gear under his rack and goes to sleep.

The next morning, the Pope is awakened by loud music and cheering. He runs to the window to see a long black limo with a US Navy Chief Warrant Officer in the back, smoking a huge cigar, hanging on to a mug of fresh hot coffee and with two beautiful blonde angels hanging on to him. The heavenly crowd is cheering madly, ticker tape fills the air, cherubs are singing, and the beer flows freely. Heaven is at Holiday Routine.


The Pope is furious.  He stomps down to the quarterdeck and says, "I'm a senior officer! I’m the Pope! I do 30 years of Gods work aboard the Vatican only to see some squid that probably did every sinful thing imaginable get treated like royalty while I spent the night on a lumpy mattress! What gives?”

The watchman shrugged and say, "Pope?  Big deal, we get a pope every decade or so. We got the complete set, all the way back to Peter. This is our first ever Chief Warrant Officer."

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Ba dump bump.

 

Tell me a joke.

25 comments:

  1. Slightly naughty:

    It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

    “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”

    He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”

    The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the
    entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

    At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

    Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

    A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet...

    "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard"

    ReplyDelete
  3. Three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

    That's my favorite joke ever.

    Second favorite:

    What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
    NACHO CHEESE!

    This is funny because my friend Andy has a BMW.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
    A porcupine keeps it's pricks on the outside.

    How about just punchlines?

    --The squaw of the hippopotomus is equal to the squaws of the other two hides

    --He'll live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life

    --Assume: a spherical, frictionless chicken in a vacuum


    Two nuns are driving in Transylvania when a miniature vampire flies into their windshield. Nothing they try--not speeding up, not the windshield wipers, not the holy water they put in the wiper fluid will get rid of the little vampire, who is now clutching onto the driver's side wiper blade and hissing up a storm.

    The passenger turns to the driver and says, "I know! Show him your cross!"

    So the driver rolls down the window and yells, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR!"

    Thank you, thank you. Don't applaud, just throw money.

    ReplyDelete
  4. A man is going door to door, selling peaches. He walks up to a door on a house and knocks. A knock out gorgeous woman answers the door, wearing a teddy and a smile.
    The man smiles back and says, “Ma’am, I am a farmer and am here selling these peaches door to door, would you like a basket of them?”

    She grins at him and reaches up and pulls the top of her teddy down, reaches up and cups her breasts saying “Are they as firm and round as these?”

    A great big fat tear rolls down from one of his eyes and he states “Yes ma’am, they are.”

    The woman cocks and eyebrow at him, then pulls out the laces on her teddy, dropping it to the floor, she reaches down and fondles herself and says, “Are they as sweet and juicy as this?”

    A big fat tear rolls down from his other eye and he states again, “Yes ma’am, they are.”

    She frowns a bit at him and asks, “Well, if they are so firm, round, sweet and juicy, why are you crying?”

    “You see ma’am, a few years ago I was raising cattle on my farm, a big case of hoof and mouth disease swept through the herd and I lost them all” he states with a crestfallen look.
    “Then the next year I put out fields of wheat” he says with a reminiscent smile, “the fields were golden and ripe, and a tornado came through and wiped out my entire crop.”
    He sniffles and little bit and continues, “and now, I’m about to get fucked out of my peaches.”

    ReplyDelete
  5. Why do the angels have to be blond?

    Hmmm?

    Bastard.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Michelle, I've been meaning to say something but...

    motherfucker is one word.

    ReplyDelete
  7. What has 75 balls and makes women scream?





    Bingo!

    ReplyDelete
  8. My joke, sure to offend someone (especially moose-Americans)...

    A man with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach. As he sees a beautiful woman approaching, he begins to sob. She asks him what's wrong.

    "I'm 30 years old," he says. "I have no arms and no legs and I've never been hugged by a beautiful woman."

    She leans over and hugs him. After he calms down and thanks her, she leaves.

    A short time later, another beautiful woman approaches and he begins sobbing again. She asks him what's wrong.

    "I'm 30 years old," he says. "I have no arms and no legs and I've never been kissed by a beautiful woman."

    She leans over and kisses him. After he calms down and thanks her, she leaves.

    A short time later, a third beautiful woman approaches and he begins sobbing again. She asks him what's wrong.


    "I'm 30 years old," he says. "I have no arms and no legs and I've never been fucked."

    She picks him up and flings him far out into the ocean. She hollers, "You're fucked now, aren't ya?"

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is an old one... but then so am I.

    What do you get when you mix holy water and prune juice?

    A religious movement!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Joe goes to the doctor for his terrible headaches.

    The doctor said, ’Joe, the good news is I can cure your severe headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates your terrible constant headaches.
    The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’ Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need …. a new suit.’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ’Let’s see … size 44 long.’

    Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

    ‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ’How about a new shirt?’

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

    Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

    ‘Been in the business 60 years.’

    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

    Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

    The salesman said, ‘Let’s see … size 36.’

    Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 brief since I was 18 years old.’

    The salesman shook his head, ’You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache’

    ReplyDelete
  11. Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

    ReplyDelete
  12. @ Nathan:

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

    Bob.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Don't talk to me about God and Country! If I found either one I'd be in Heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  14. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

    ReplyDelete
  15. A man walks into a bar and then wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and seventeen stitches in his forehead.



    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

    A stick.



    Knock-knock.
    Who's there?
    Interrupting cow.
    Interrupt...
    MOO!


    (I told that last one to a five year old who afterwards thought it was *amazingly funny* to shout, "MOO!" at the end of every knock-knock joke.)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Mensley, I think it's funny to shout MOO! at the end of every knock knock joke.


    Also, the title of this post:

    That's Judd Nelson's line as he's crawling through the ceiling in the movie The Breakfast Club. "A man walks into a bar with a chicken under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other..." and then the ceiling tiles give way and he crashes into the library.

    I'd love to know how that joke ends.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'd love to hear how that joke MOOOOOO!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Actually, I got that wrong, it's:

    "Naked blond walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says... "but you never get the punchline.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Blonde says to barman "I got these for my husband".

    Barman looks at the stuff and says "Good trade".

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Guess I shouldn't press buttons so quick...

    Judd Nelson made that up ad lib - there's no official punchline.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Well, there should be.

    Somebody call Judd and tell him to ad lib me up a punchline.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Jim, I LOVE The Breakfast Club. It was far and away my favorite John Hughes movie. And Bender was my favorite character:

    "You are a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie."

    Heh.

    ReplyDelete
  23. My favorite Bender line, Cindi, is:

    Principle: What if your house was on ... No, what if your dope was on fire?

    Bender: That's impossible, Sir, it's in Johnson's underwear.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Mensley, my 6 year-old tells umpteen interrupting cow (frog, horse, cat, etc) knock-knock jokes. Is it your fault? If so then I will have to poke you in the eye, should we ever meet...

    ReplyDelete

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