Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Evolution Inaction

I'm a firm believer in the theory of evolution. I also believe in the corollary that says: Once evolution produces intelligence (intelligence being a relative condition, as we will see below), evolution stops in that species, because the weak, crippled, and just plain stupid are protected and allowed to breed - thus passing their defective genes on to the next generation of booger eating morons.

Every day I see undeniable proof that evolution has achieved a state of stasis in the human species. Allow me to present a couple of observations from the first few hours of today:

I took my kid to school this morning and then, because I was already out, I decided to go the extra five miles into Palmer to the coffee shop. There's a Starbucks in the local Fred Meyer and Tamie, the barrista, knows exactly how I like my coffee without asking, so it's worth the five minute drive. Usually there's nobody in line at 7AM, which is good thing because I despise standing in line, but this morning there was one woman ahead of me. Mid-twenties maybe, reasonably attractive in that outdoorsy Alaskan way, and just irritating the crap out of me - because instead of ordering her dammed coffee she's got to ask questions. What's good this morning? Are these free samples free? Can I write a check? Blah blah and etc. Look, lady, it's a coffee shop, order coffee, then get the hell out of my way. Eventually, she moves on and I get my morning jolt of hot caramelated caffeine. Because I was already in the store, I figured I'd pick up a couple of things. I was probably in the store twenty minutes or so, including the time I spent in line behind Irritating Lady. I'm walking out of the store, who's ahead of me? That's right, her. As I'm getting into my truck I see her getting into her monster SUV directly in front of me. The SUV is running. Hmmm, says I, that's a little odd - leaving your giant gas guzzling monster running while you're in the store for 25 minutes, what with $3.10 a gallon for gas and all. But wait...what's that in the back seat? Why a small child, strapped into a child safety seat. The kid is maybe two? Crying and obviously upset at being left in the fucking car while her mother is inside the store shopping. What the hell is this women thinking? How many more tragic, sobbing distraught mothers do we need to see on the evening news, blubbering the immortal line "but, but, I only left her alone for a minute."

Not so long ago, this child would have been eaten by saber-toothed cats while her idiot cave dwelling mother was off getting her nails done at some neolithic beauty parlor. However, despite her unfortunate choice of mother, this child will probably survive to adulthood and thus stand a reasonable chance of breeding herself - and thereby saddling future generations with the Stupid-Parent gene.

While I'm still debating with myself whether or not I should say something to this idiot women, she speeds off and the question becomes moot. Driving home, I was still shaking my head and wondering how the human race managed to survive so far. Suddenly, my contemplations were interrupted by the blood-freezing roaring of hunting saber-toothed tigers! What? No, actually as it turns out, it's a kid on a two-stroke dirt bike going past me. I'm doing 45-50MPH and this kid is passing me. It's dark out, pouring rain, and he's doing at least 60MPH down the paved walking/bike path beside the road - jumping the side streets without looking or slowing down - headed towards the high school. Late for class I'm guessing, that or a meeting with his parole officer. Now being a small Alaskan town, the Palmer cops normally have nothing to do but act like swaggering assholes and harass the people who pay their salaries (if they're reading this, I mean that in the most respectful don't tazer me sort of way). Meaning that they are usually about in the morning on this particular patch of the road, so I'm looking around for one hoping he'll nab this little joker before he kills himself or somebody else. But, of course, the cops are nowhere to be found. And sure enough, about that time the kid hits a patch of mud, slides sideways for a few feet before going ass over teakettle into the weeds. Sigh. I pull over, reach into the back seat for the first aid kit and flashlight. I climb out of the truck, hoping I'm not going to find a dead mangled kid-shaped smear, and flipped open my cell phone to dial 911. As I'm sliding down the wet grass into the ditch and before I can finish dialing, the kid pops up out of the weeds. "Fuck!" he yells, "These are my good jeans!" And without so much as a glance in my direction he stands the bike up, hops on, and roars off into the dark and rain. He can't be any older than 14 at the outside.

Again, what in the hell are his parents thinking? What is this kid doing on a dirt bike at 7:30 in the morning, in the rain, in the dark, with no lights, with no safety gear other than a cheap half face helmet, doing 60MPH illegally down the walking path? Not so long ago evolution would have deleted this kid from gene pool by having a mastodon stomp him and his good jeans into the permafrost while his fur-bearing parents were off doing whatever neolithic Yuppies did at 7:30 in the morning. Is it the kid's fault? Hell no, of course not, teenagers are idiots by definition - that's why they are supposed to have parents. Since this kid's parents seem to lack even the most rudimentary concern for his welfare, I suspect that they won't much care when he knocks up some high school cheerleader and manages to pass his parent's clueless chromosomes on to the next generation of retards.

While I have no empirical proof to offer, I suspect that these idiots are outbreeding the rest of us (notice how I put myself and the readers of this blog in the "not-stupid" category? You're welcome). What we need around here, are some saber-tooth cats. Hungry saber-toothed cats. That would get evolution back on track in short order.


  1. I think motorcycles are a modern attempt at a sabertoothed tiger. I should know, I drive one. Give the motorcycle some time.

    Don't know what to do about the SUV lady tho. She's destroying the environment with her idling gas guzzler, but that won't kill her, just her idotic-parent DNA bearing children.

  2. Anne, could be that motorcycles are the modern equivalent of the saber-tooth. I used to ride extensively, but I had four accidents in a 8 months (none of them my fault) and I took that as sign and gave it up. I've got nothing against those who do ride, including kids.

    Kids on ATVs and dirt bike are pretty common here in Alaska. I let my son drive my smaller Arctic Cat 4-wheeler as long as he has proper safety equipment on and I'm following him on my own machine. He was taught how to ride safely at an early age. What I object to are the kids I see doing 60 - 100mph down the public road without supervision or safety equipment. Crazy, even for Alaska.

    And nothing chaps my ass more than some idiot parent who leaves their small children in a running car.

  3. I ride bikes myself (well, once I get a working one again, oh please Mr. Santa). Out here we get idiots on 4 wheelers. Idiots that don't seem to understand the concept of Private Property. But we get them on our major roads (not good, especially at night). Most of it young kids, even some with girl friends riding on the back.

    As for kids in running cars, I guess this parent never heard that when the sun is out, it doesn't matter what air temp is, that can heat the inside of the car to dangerous levels quickly, and keeping it in park and running, there's something called CO backup. You don't want a part of that.

  4. I have nothing against riders (being one myself), but it does raise the penalty for stupidity and I think that is the salient point -- evolution in action. Being stupid on a bike is more likely to lead to death, penalizing the genetically challenged.

    What "chaps my ass" is when you see a rider with a helmet and his girlfriend on the back without one. The first time I rode on the back of a bike, the guy wasn't prepared with a second helmet. He insisted that I wear the one he did have. Fortunately, it was a ride of about a mile on residential streets.


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