Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Everything I need to know about Democracy I learned from the Tea Party

Boy, nothing says traditional American values like the Tea Party, does it?

You betcha, folks.

That’s why, when I think of the "c" word, the Tea Party is the very first thing that comes to mind.


The "c" Word?

Conservatives. Why? What were you thinking?

Never mind. See, these folks call themselves conservatives because they believe they are conserving America’s heritage. Liberty and justice and such like are scarce natural resources, there’s only so much democracy to go around – if we give it to everybody there won’t be enough for real Americans (you know, real Americans, wink wink. You know). That’s why they call it inalienable.  If American rights were intended for everybody the Founding Fathers would have called them Alien Rights. But they didn’t, did they?

The Tea Party wants to shake the American Etch-a-sketch, erasing the last two hundred years of  history, and return us to a simpler time when men were men, priests were not lifetime members of NAMBLA, school teachers were celibate, every American was a patriot, Latinos were amusing sidekicks, Asians did the laundry, women kept their mouths firmly shut (except when they didn’t, boom chika bow bow), children were free labor, midget hurling was an Olympic sport, and black people were livestock.

Just like God and George Washington intended (Yes, midget hurling is in the bible. And GW loved a good dwarf toss. It’s true, you can look it up).

Those were the good old days of real America and, oh, how we miss them and long for that simpler, more patriotic world.

Hell, did I say 200 years? Conservatives would, if they could, roll the clock back to biblical times when man and dinosaur frolicked together (in a strictly platonic frolicking Christian sense, of course) - that’s why their candidates look like Grog, from those Geico Caveman commercials:


America, so easy a Conservative can do it!

We can’t go back in time, of course – because gay atheist scientists are too busy evolving the stem cells of aborted baby fetuses instead of doing something useful like inventing a time machine so we can rescue Jesus – but thanks to the Tea Party, we don’t have to travel in time.

We can bring the past to us.

Here are some of those traditional old fashioned American values:

If It Ain’t White, It Ain’t Right!

Once the Tea Party takes back America, honor will not only be restored, but the economy will recover instantly because white people will no longer have to waste precious brain power trying to tell ethnic minorities apart. "I think that you're misinterpreting those commercials," Tea Party Candidate, Sharron Angle explained to a group of Latino students, after being asked point blank why all her TV commercials (you know, the ones that end in “I’m Sharron Angle and I approve this message”) talk about terrorism and the exploding threat of illegal immigration and show unsavory brown skinned Spanish speaking people doing unsavory brown skinned Spanish speaking things. "I'm not sure that those are Latinos in that commercial. What it is, is a fence, and there are people coming across that fence. I don't know that all of you are Latino. Some of you look a little more Asian to me.”

I mean, honest to God people, who the hell can keep track of all those lesser races anyway? If they’re not white, they just look all the same – don’t get all pissy with me, you know it’s true. As Sharron Angle pointed out, even Latinos can’t tell Latinos from Asians, how the hell is a real American supposed to?


Back to Canunkistan, you filthy Asian bastards!

Angle then clinched the Canadian Latino Chinese vote by telling a funny story about how she was "the first Asian legislator in the Nevada Assembly."  She used her fingers to make her eyes look squinty and pretended to be a African American Asian Jew ordering a taco in Ebonics accented pig-Latin from an Arab. Ethnic people love that shit.

Blame Canada!

Those filthy socialist Canadians let terrorists into the United States. Hell, they’ve got a whole chunk of their commie population that speaks French for Christ’s sake.  As Sharron Angle pointed out, the real terrorist threat lies to the North!  And it’s not just the terrorism, those filthy flannel clad Canadian-baconbacks have been stealing our jobs for years! 


Where da white women, eh?

Try to imagine how many of us could be employed in the recording and acting business if it wasn’t for these goddamned metric system loving socialist bastards coming down here to steal our jobs. Hollywood is practically owned by illegal Canadians!


Communism is wrong, except when it is oh so very Right!

Fortunately, when it comes to securing the boarder, Alaskan Tea Party Animal, Joe Miller, has an idea: Let’s turn America into, wait for it, waaaaaaaait for it, East Germany! Because, folks, nothing says good old Constitutional American freedom like a great big fucking wall, some machine gun nests, a mine field, and about 2000 miles of barbed wire. Now, predictably, some sissy tofu-eating liberals took exception to the Patriotic Wall of Freedom idea, pointing out that the East Germans were trying to keep other East Germans from getting the fuck out of East Germany.  While that is true in a broad sense, it was an accident. Turns out the East Germans put the wall in backwards, because they were stupid commies.  Yep.  Joe Miller recognized this right away. See, he used to be Lieutenant in the Army and was trained in the use of Claymore mines.  It’s not enough to label a mine “front” and “back,” Joe knows you actually have to put a big damned sign on the front saying “this side towards enemy” otherwise Lieutenants tend to blow themselves up.  Same thing here. As long as we label one side of the wall “Point Towards Brown People (and Canadians)” we should be OK.  Liberals again tried to shoot down Joe’s American Shield Wall of Patriotic American Liberty by saying that it would add about seventy-five bazillion trillion dollars to the deficit – but  Arizona Governor Jan Brewer silenced that argument by pointing out that we could build the whole thing, including paint and landscaping, for less than fifty bucks if we just hired a couple illegal day laborers.


Canadians are overrunning Arizona! Why won’t Obama listen?

Equal Rights means not exercising yours!

Speaking of Latinos, what about the ones that are here legally? Hell, you know some of those people consider themselves Americans? Can you imagine? Now it’s true that we need someone to make the tacos and clean out Jan Brewer’s gutters, but to let them think they’re as good as real Americans? The Founding Fathers wouldn’t have put up with that nonsense.  That’s why the Tea Party-Naked Ministry of Propaganda put out a Spanish language ad on Nevada TV urging Latinos "Don't vote this November."

How do you say “Uncle Tom” in Spanish again?

Don’t vote, amigos! Let the Conservatives win! That’ll teach ‘em!


Talk to the Hand!

The Constitution clearly says that if you ask a candidate a question he doesn’t want to answer, you’re clinically “irrational.”  Under Sharia Tea Party Law, large unidentified men in black suits then have the right to slam you into a wall and handcuff you.  Only a freedom hating liberal commie socialist fascist would try to point out that those large unidentified men in black suits were actually active duty US Army soldiers.  God Bless America.  Federal troops interfering with the electoral process on state and city property? Booyah! That’s the kind of East German power to the people and state’s rights Thomas Jefferson was talking about, right there. Joe Miller was stationed in Germany, he knows freedom when he sees it.

image Sieg Heil, Bitches!

Besides, the Constitution clearly says that when a Tea Party Anointed invokes state’s rights, it’s time to just nod and move on.

image I have invoked states rights,

therefore your argument is invalid!


Hate Somebody!

It’s the American way, folks. All great political movements hate somebody. Hitler had the Jews. Mussolini had, well, the Jews. Stalin, more Jews. Ahmadinejad? You guessed it, the Micronesians. What? I’m kidding, of course it’s the Jews!  Unfortunately, Jew hating has been done to death (er, sorry).  Conservatives need something else. I know, how about Gays? Yah! They’re liberals anyway, and beside they fight like girls! It’s important though, not to take Conservative comments “out of context.”  Remember, we don’t hate gays for ourselves, but rather we hate gays for the children. For the children, people.

image Oh Baby! Check out those little Speedos!


The Tea Party, there’s really no crazy so crazy that you can’t find a bunch of crazy following it.

So remember, folks, this November, vote Tea Party.

For America.

Because it's important to keep hate and pessimism alive at all costs.


  1. Angle is right. We Canadians are a serious threat to the American Way Of Life.

  2. That's because you don't know your bacon from your ham.

  3. The first thing I thought of when you mentioned Canada was the song "Blame Canada" from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.

  4. As a Canuckistanese of colour, I have NO PROBLEM whatsoever if you Murricanians build a wall between my country and yours.

    And your rich folk can pay the Canadian labourers to do it. No need to disturb any of those native ethnic folks who are cleaning Jan Brewer's gutters. We'll do it. We'll do a good job too.

    Just remember, that bill is gonna be pretty high as we share the longest undefended border with you ::coughgack:: lovely people.

    Oh, and we want our money in advance. Have Mr Boehner (heh, heh, heh...) draw up a cheque from his petty cash account... We know he has it.

    The faster we get that sucker up the better... Wouldn't want any Murricanians trying to sneak up here when Catastrophic Climate change starts taking its toll on the south, now would we?

  5. So "Latinos for Reform" are in favor of disenfranchising their own people?

    "Don't worry, amigos, the White Man will take care of us; it's his burden. Now, let's get to to our tacos and burritos."

    Is "Latinos for Reform" kind of like "Log Cabin Republicans"? (Although, kudos to them for their lawsuit against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." I wonder how long before Conservatives start blaming Obama for maintaining that discriminatory policy?)

    "sessem" looked like another word entirely when I first glanced at it.

  6. I was rather wondering when you were going to comment on Joe "Book'em, Dano!" Miller and his merry band.

  7. Well, every time I went to write something about it, something else kept coming to light and the situation keeps getting weirder and weirder.

    "Town hall" meeting, but it's a "private event?" How's that work? On public property? The "arrest" happened in a hallway that Miller hadn't rented - i.e. public property.

    Miller lies about the security requirement. Why? I'm mean why bother? He was required to have a parking lot monitor, not body guards.

    His body guards turn out to be active duty military moonlighting for a local gun store, and they don't have permission from the Joint Base ABW commander or the garrison commander - who couldn't have given permission for them to work a political event due to certain constitutional restrictions. The legal aspects are pretty fucking scary. These guys are going to be in big fucking trouble.

    THEN, to top it all off - Miller goes on CNN later than night and ends up answering Hopfinger's original question anyway - yes, he DID violate ethics laws when working for the state.


    And that's just the surface here. Miller is one serious scumbag. I don't care if you're liberal or conservative, the guy is a scumbag. I cannot imagine why anybody would vote for him.

    But the Tea Party Express is back in Alaska, waving their Don't Tread on Me flags from the overpasses.

  8. Just wanted to say: brilliant work, Jim. Well-done. Bravo.

    And I, for one (speaking as a socialist liberal atheist bastard), welcome our new Canadian overlords.

  9. My brain hurts.

    Is it too early for a big dollop of mood enhancer in my coffee?

  10. Yeah, the Joe Miller situation is a bag of snakes. But the entire Tea Party is and has been Amateur Hour, so why would that change now?

  11. I'm sure you've heard about Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell flubbing on Constitution questions about the first amendment and ignorance of the 14th, 16th, and 17th Amendments.

  12. Actually what I loved about the O'Donnell and Coons exchange was later in the "debate" when OD went after Coons by asking him what other rights were incorporated in the 1st Amendment - her smug gameshow response is quoted directly word for word from the Wikipedia. Me thinks somebody was looking up sound bite on their smart phone in the Green Room.

  13. Lunchtime...somewhere in Midtown Atl...
    gee, I think W had Chik-fil-A for lunch today...

    Really? How can you tell?

    'Cause there's chicken bits, waffle fry & lemonade all over her monitor & keyboard.

    Really?! she knows better than to read SKS when she's eating!

    Jim - spot on as always. I'll be forwarding select teasers to assorted like-minded individuals along with a link.

  14. Eric, I don't mean to be critical in any way, but that should be "our nice new Canadian overlords".

    I hope pointing out this minor change hasn't in some way offended you and if it has I'll retract it immediately and send you a pile of money. Sorry.

  15. Jim,

    I know I can't marry you and bear your children, so how's about I come over and bow down to ShopKat?
    A way of paying homage to you and we all know cats expect it anyway.

    Another 3 pointer post.
    WV-flaffsha (what TPer's defecate verbally)


  16. I knew this blogging gig would pay off big time sooner or later.

  17. Jim, on target and hilarious once again. Often, your readers' comments are really interesting and/or humorous too.

    ROLF! at Eric's and timb111's exchange re: our Canadian, excuse me,nice Canadian overlords. I'll happily roll over for them too, and not even ask for a big chunk of their money or an apology when they force their social safety nets and politeness on me. Which reminds me, have you ever seen the Canadian version of Cops? I mean, their cops are polite and don't even swagger and say sarcastic things to the sadsacks they are dealing with!

    First our Sarah's goons illegally frisked citizens at the dock when she arrived with her reality TV crew, and then ripped down the sign stating she was the worst governor ever when it was on PRIVATE property. Now Joe has his own private goons assault a journalist for doing what journalists do, persistently ask questions.

    Isn't there supposed to be a consequence for assault? I mean, if someone with no legal authority grabbed me and threw me in handcuffs, I'd consider it assault, unless it was my sweetie.

    Alaska politicians/celebs are starting to remind me of crooked as a snake, may he burn in hell, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who banned AZ journalist-hero John Dougherty from his press conferences, had his goon posse members grab Dougherty and "escort" him out of anywhere the Sheriff wanted to be, refused to turn over public information to the press, and sued both Dougherty and the Phoenix New Times for merely doing their jobs, writing about him.

    I want to know why private body guards even had handcuffs, and why they thought they had the right to grab and handcuff anyone there. Were they carrying guns in a gun-free zone school building? I also want to know what their discipline from the military is.

  18. who couldn't have given permission for them to work a political event due to certain constitutional restrictions

    I imagine they'd get into trouble with the whole chain-of-command thing as well, given Joe's attitude towards their Commander-In-Chief...

  19. Also:

    THEN, to top it all off - Miller goes on CNN later than night and ends up answering Hopfinger's original question anyway - yes, he DID violate ethics laws when working for the state

    ... Did he also explain why people should still vote for him despite that?

  20. Jim, a serious error occurred here in one of your comments.

    It isn't ham, which comes from the rear leg of the pig, but rather cured pork loin.

    Next Thursday I will be picking up quite a bit of fresh pork, which will become bacon, ham and Canadian bacon - I had forgotten I needed the latter.

    hytorex - just up the chain from hycolonics

  21. beemodern,

    Alaskan law does allow for a form of Citizen's Arrest and also something called "delegated citizen's arrest" (where a police officer can make a warrantless arrest, sort of a citizen's arrest by police proxy). There is a large amount of gray area but the bottom line is that anybody at that rally could have "arrested" Hopfinger if they had reason to believe he was endangering Miller or committing a misdemeanor crime (citizen's arrest don't apply for felonies, you call the police).

    But it far worse than that: Miller's security guards were active duty Army soldiers moonlighting for DropZone Security, which is owned by no less than Norm Olsen - the founder of the anti-government secessionist Alaska Citizen's Militia and former head of the Michigan Militia. There is a serious question of posse comitatus violations here, federal troops preventing a member of the media and a private citizen from accessing a public event on a state/city property. Additionally, those soldiers may be in serious trouble for associating with an organization known to be both Anti-government and engaged in "overthrow by violent means." If they didn't have permission from their commander they are screwed. If they did have permission from their commander, they've opened the US Government up to a serious lawsuit should Hopfinger choose to pursue it.

    Rens: he said that he'd "put it behind him and moved on."

  22. Warner, you are a strange man, sir. A strange, strange man.

  23. Rens: he said that he'd "put it behind him and moved on."

    Well, that's okay then!

  24. correction to the previous comment: DropZone is owned by William Fulton, who is associated with Norm Olsen (Fulton is referred to as "supply sergent" by the Alaska Citizen's Militia). DropZone is not own by Olsen or the Militia.

    That's what I get for reading local news too early in the morning.

  25. Jim, I got confused. So the fact that (the first guy you said) does NOT own DropZone, but someone else does... the active military guys are still in BIG trouble anyway, right?


  26. ... And ANOTHER thing!! Thousands (maybe HUNDREDS of thousands) of DEMOCRATIC military forces were marched off to war and, in fact, many gave their lives under a REPUBLICAN President. But they did so because it was their DUTY. Now there are right-leaning military personnel everywhere you look who seem more than happy to disgrace their uniforms by operating in a variety of ways to openly disrespect (and sometimes even THREATEN) the current Commander-in-Chief. (To say nothing of disrupting their country’s electoral process.) Now, THAT'S TREASON, baby! In the PUREST sense!
    Melanee M.

  27. Don't call me sir, I worked for a living.

    comintos - the mints served at a commie teaparty

  28. "and they don't have permission from the Joint Base ABW commander or the garrison commander"

    Whoops. Wave bye-bye to your pension and careers.

    And personally, I'd go for "unlawful detainment."

  29. Anyone know if it's common for the Army to give permission to moonlight? Thinking back to my time in the Navy I don't even remember the subject coming up.


  30. Quite common, all services do this.

    Not uncommon at all to find junior service members working outside jobs to make ends meet. They don't pay us a lot, you know, especially in the junior paygrades. For example, when I was a 3rd Class Petty Officer, I life-guarded at a local pool to supplement my income. A friend of mine delivered pizzas for Pizza Hut. You have to have permission from the chain of command and the work can't interfere with your military duties or deployments. A lot of employers around bases are familiar with the requirements and often hire military guys.

  31. Hell, when I was an instructor in Pensacola, my Chief sold used cars on the weekend at a local dealership.

  32. The operative part of the phrase, of course, being "given permission"...

  33. When I was at Ft. Monmouth there was a jobs office. Anything posted there automatically had permission granted.
    It still couldn't interfere with your duties and if it did you would be told to quit.

    My wife wants to know if the hits from Wasalia are you or the village idiot?

  34. Just wanted to note here that CNN is reporting that the military folks did NOT have permission. Well, specifically, one definitely did not and one had permission from an previous superior but not the current one.


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