Fun with Spam Math

Spam used to annoy the hell out of me. Then I switched my Norton Anti-Spam configuration to Whitelisting mode and life got a lot better. Maybe one spam email in a thousand makes into my inbox, the rest gets dumped into the spam folder. About once a week I look in the spam folder and flush it out. Anybody who emails me on a regular basis is already on my whitelist, and the anti-spam module is programmed to pass emails with [stonekettle station] in the subject line, so it's pretty rare to get a valid message in the spam folder - still I check, just to make sure. I get a lot of email from active-duty military folks, many who read this blog but are not comfortable commenting in public. So when I saw an email from "LAC cav" in the spam folder I assumed it was from somebody in the military who had forgotten to put the pass phrase in the subject line. So I looked at it, and it turned out that Norton knew what it was doing. Here's the message:

Wazzup jlwright!
I started in May at 5 inches. I grew to 6 inches in 2 months
LAC cav

There was a hyperlink to a website where I assume you could get you some of this, or maybe even see actual pictures of the amazing manhood improvement LAC Cav is bragging about. But for obvious reasons, I didn't include it here. You want 5" porn? You look that shit up on your own, people.

Let's examine this bit of advertising brilliance, shall we?

First: Wazzup? Seriously, spammers, if you want to get my attention don't start with Wazzup! Really, don't. Ever.

Second: Five inches? Five? Now LAC Cav doesn't give specifics, but from the nature of the correspondence I'm going to assume we're talking length here, not girth (because if it's five inches in diameter, you really don't need any enhancement, do you?) Also, I'll assume we're talking five inches erect, not flaccid. Anonymous Spammer or not, seriously, I wouldn't be emailing this little (heh heh) personal detail around the internet. Think about it, you're going to get caught eventually, do you really want to be on international TV as the Five Inch Guy? You're going to get what? Five-to-Ten maybe, then you're a free man, and what's the first thing you want when you get out of prison (besides broadband)? Right, exactly. So you're an ex-con nerd, it's going to be hard (heh heh) enough getting a date. Don't think women won't remember your face from the news either, Five Inch Guy, chicks say that size doesn't matter, but they've got long (heh heh) memories and you don't want to be on the short (heh heh) list. Just saying.

Third: The math. One inch in two months? Well, see something sounds a little (heh heh) off here. He says he started in May, for simplicity I'll assume May of this year. Then he says two months and he's gained a inch. But see, six inches isn't all that impressive either, especially to somebody who's obviously obsessed with length like our buddy, LAC cav. So, you have to assume that he'd keep taking the Super-Length-Enhancing-Herbal-Woody-Maker Supplement up to the present, and if he kept seeing improvement, well, he'd do a little (heh heh) bragging. Since he didn't, I have to assume that one inch is about the best you can expect from the product, no matter how long (heh heh) you take it. May to October is closer to six months, so instead of an impressive 0.5 inches per month of manhood expansion - it's really more like a dinky 0.16 inches per month total to date - and if there isn't any improvement after the first two months (which we can assume from the lack of bragging, and the fact that I haven't seen any TV "male-enhancement" advertisements of some guy named LAC cav pushing his junk along on a canoe trailer) then with each month that goes by the average per month gain gets a little less. Statistically speaking.

Math, is there anything it can't do? (besides not improving your manhood, I mean).

And with that, I'm off to the Post Office to mail some packages - and pick up this month's supply of manhood improver. I may be gone a long (heh heh) time.

Your Spam Will Be Graded

I’ve been mostly offline for two weeks now.

You may or may not have noticed.

My houseguests are now gone.  I spent yesterday catching up on a number of things.  Today, it’s raining and cold and I’m up early.  So, I’ve been spending my morning trying to catch up online. Holy Carp, folks, I can’t believe the amount of lint that’s built up in the Internet’s belly button in just two weeks.

Especially the spam folder.

Here’s an interesting marketing strategy:

Ah, yes, the powerful allure of buying illicit man medicine from the Blue Screen Of Death!  Buy Viagra from this online site and most of the time it works as advertized … but every once in a while, for no reason at all, your plumbing just locks up and no matter what you do nothing works until you perform a full reboot. “Uh, excuse me a minute, would you, Honey? I think I just had a driver conflict… Damn it! I knew I should have gone with Snow Leopard!”

Stop Woody’s softening!

Wasn’t this the central theme of Toy Story V? Woody’s Midlife Crisis. Buzz gets arrested for mail fraud when he tries to buy black market Viagra from Stinky Pete to help out his friend, Woody, who’s having trouble staying in the saddle with Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl. Hilarious hi-jinks follow.

Take your chance to show off in a bikini

Um, I’m fairly sure I’d get arrested for that. Or propositioned…it is Sunday morning in the ultra conservative MatSu Valley after all. Excuse me, Reverend, does my ass look fat in this thong?  Alternatively, I could wear a bikini to Wal-Mart and end up on that People Of Wal-Mart website. Again.

Be her brutal cave explorer!

Sounds good. Just give me a minute to grab my flashlight and climbing equipment…

Our Watch will look great even on any loser

That’s right, Loser. You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. You can’t get a girl and your one ear is bigger than the other. Buy our stuff.

If you had a gold fish, you would ask for a bigger instrument

When was it exactly that gold fish started granting wishes? Do all gold fish grant wishes, or is it just those weird orange and white speckled ones with the droopy tails?  Frankly, if I had a magic wish granting gold fish I’d be asking for more than a tuba (Tuba, the bigger instrument, try to keep up). For starters, I’d wish for the damned thing to clean its own bowl.  Also, you’d have to wonder what happens when the cats go fishing for the magic gold fish, there’s got to be a YouTube video in that, just saying.

Being hung like a horse is more than possible

What if you really were “hung like a horse?”  No, really, picture it.  I grew up around horses, dude, seriously have you ever seen a stallion’s Johnson? Especially when he’s, uh, excited? I think you’d have some serious trouble with that.  Also, how come it’s only men that wish to be horse like?  Why don’t they ever say, “Ladies, you too can be plumbed like a filly!” Just give me a minute to grab my flashlight and climbing equipment…

You too can be bigger in the pants!

I am bigger in the pants. Two inches around the waist since retirement and my cholesterol is way up. I really don’t need a pill to help with this, I’m doing just fine on my own with pie and ice cream, thanks.

Your pole will be promoted!

Promoted to what? General?  Will I have to salute it and call it sir? Will it lord its promotion over my other organs? 

Kidney: Hey, did you see that you know who got promoted?

Lungs: Yeah, I saw. What a suck up.

Elbow: It’ll probably go to his head.

Colon: That guy is a total dick.

If your old watch is killing you, get a new one

If your old watch is killing you, maybe you should consider getting one that isn’t made out of radioactive plutonium. Just sayin’

Acia Diet, lose weight in the privacy of your own home.

Don’t you hate those people who lose weight in public? Always leaving gobs of fat on the bus seats and doorknobs? I hate that. Why can’t they lose weight at home?

Acai Elite burns your fat with the speed of light!

Um, I don’t think so. See according to Einstein’s theory of special relativity, objects gain mass as they approach the speed of light. You start taking Acai Elite and your fat could become infinite in mass, then you’d implode and become a black hole, swallowing all objects in your vicinity, distorting the very fabric of space time. There’s really no up side to that.

Every woman will keep your great size in memory

Woman 1: Remember that fat bastard in the bikini at Wal-Mart?  The size of that guy!

Woman 2: He was hung like a horse!

Woman 3: He had a great watch, didn’t he?

Woman 4: I sure wish he was my brutal cave explorer…

 

 

Whoosh! and the spam folder is clear again.

---

Previous commentary on my spam folder is here.

From the Spam Folder

 

I realized that I hadn’t flushed the spam folder in quite some time.

Quite some time.

Honestly, who writes this shit? Worse, who actually clicks on spam links? Somebody must, or there wouldn’t be spam in the first place. Who are those people?

And why are they still outside of institutions?

---

Hi there, my name is Melissa and I'm a 31 year old married woman. Before I start, I want to tell you that married women like me are not sluts, we love our husbands, but you only live once and we have needs and want to be satisfied everywhere, and by everywhere I mean everywhere.

Slut: an adulteress, hussy, loose woman.  Whoa, good thing Melissa isn’t one of those. Note: about the time I typed “slut” into the Google, my friend Shawn Powers called me on Skype from his church – I swear, I was just looking up the definition of slut, I didn’t even glance at the pictures. No really. OK, I’m going to hell.

Turn your polish sausage into Megatron

I think the author might be mixing a few metaphors here.

 

Impress your colleagues with bling-bling

You mean my colleagues Queen Environmental Specialist  and MC Civil Engineer Guy?

 

Awake your amorous spirit

Wasn’t this a very special episode of Ghost Whisperer? I once heard a guy say Jennifer Love Hewitt could get a rise out of a dead man, but I thought that was just hyperbole.

 

She dreams every night of a big man

Marlon Brando? Orson Wells? Paul Bunyan? Megatron the Polish Sausage Man?

 

These Russian Women DO NOT play games

That’s too bad, we were looking for a forth for Naked Twister…

 

The Pill That Will Make your device 9 inches long really fast!

Why the hell would I want a pill that would make me smaller?

 

Show Miley Cyrus your new organ…

…and then Miley will show you her new stun gun, when you wake up you can meet Billy Ray and his friends. That will be fun.

 

Never look back, size increase is permanent

Isn’t that what they tell the new fish, in the prison shower?

 

Most ladies will call you the biggest tool in town

Hey!

 

High-class boner pills online

Nothing say high-class like the word “boner.”

 

TRY, IT IS PLEASANT TO YOU I couldn't bear my period cramps when I didn't knew about this amazing premenstrual medication!

Morphine?

 

Someone's wife wants to date you

Is her name Melissa?

 

Become her drillosaur!

This Halloween, I’m totally going as the drillosaurus! Trick or Treat, Baby! What do you say we make each other extinct before the giant comet kills us all? Say, could you help a thunder lizard out? See with these tiny little arms I can’t reach my…

 

Long, wide and strong device isn’t a dream anymore, Make women stare at your pants on the streets. If you don’t want to feel yourself a loser, order enlargement pills.

Ha! I spilled coffee in my lap last week and women were staring at my pants all day – for free. Who’s the loser now, Jackass?

---

Ah, Spam, an endless source of amusement. Previous Adventures with Spam here

From the Spam Folder

The last couple of days I've been getting this email in my spam folder:

We are here to tell you something wonderful!
You never believed that some medicine could make feel so sure in bed.
Here is MegaDik, that will start a new wave of your sexual pleasure.
Your penis will be leader of the world!

Um, don't we already have a dick as the leader of the free world?

From the Spam Folder

Let’s start with a letter, shall we?

Greetings to you from Our Lord Jesus.

Well, how about that? The Savior Himself. Howdy, Jesus, what’s shakin in zombieland?

I know this will sound like a scam to you but I was the head of the fund release department of the biggest churches built for God in France called “Église Catholique en France” In the year 1901, they started offering collection for the Sole aim of human growth, educational and Community development. In collaboration with the UN and the EU, We gave out an annual donation of US$550,000.00 each to 100 lucky recipients each year, undermining your religion.

A scam? No. Not at all. Not at all. I mean, You’re Jesus, right? Say, wasn’t “Undermining your religion” an REM song? Can you get me Michael Stipe’s autograph?

I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirm able Bank ATM cash card of US$550,000.00 United States Dollars, since that will be very easy for you to cash in your country, but I did not hear from you since that time. So after the World sole aim of human growth meeting heard in West Africa, I heard to deposited donation parcel with FedEx Courier Service in West Africa enable them deliver your parcel to you anywhere you are since both the BBC UK and The CNN World news announced the name of the name of the 100 lucky donation recipients.

Well, shit, Jesus, I did contact you. Just this morning, in fact, I hit my thumb with a hammer out the shop and shouted your name. Check your inbox, there’s probably like a dozen messages from me.

I traveled out of the country for a 4 Months Course and I will not come back till end of July 2009…

Jesus is taking a course? Can you imagine having Him in your biology class? Hey, Your Holiness, how’s about giving somebody else a chance to answer the evolution questions, huh? Thanks for wrecking the grade curve, Jackass.

…so i will not be able to check my mail because I just received a call from the FedEx Courier service in West Africa that you have not yet contacted them since for the delivery of your parcel to you. What you have to do now is to contact the FedEx Courier Service Located in West Africa as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because the more it stay in there office, the more your international shipment security fee on your parcel increases. For your information, you will need to pay for the international shipment security charge of the parcel because it has been in there office for over 2-3 months now.

Jesus uses FedEx? When you absolutely, positively need to kill every first born son in Egypt overnight, FedEx!

The only money you will send to the FedEx Courier Service in West Africa to deliver your parcel direct to your postal Address in your country is ($90.00 USD) only being international shipment security charge of the Courier Company so far. Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $90.00 USD Dollars.

Yeah, yeah, I got it. Thou salt have no other gods before me. Got it. Cripes, next he’ll be going on about my neighbor’s ass. I hate when he gets all Old Testament and shit.

I would have paid that but…

Yeah, yeah, you’re a little hard up for cash this week. (Seriously, never go drinking with Jesus. Last time he tagged along with us, the bastard took the last slice of pizza and stiffed us on the tab. Water to wine my ass, he drank a dozen Harvey Wallbangers at $4.50 apiece and spent the rest of the night face down in the shitter, parting the Red Sea so to speak, and moaning "why hast thou forsaken me?" over and over).

They said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demur rage.

Demur Rage! Me? Not me, Jesus, I swear. I’m turning the other cheek right now. Look, see?

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address; Direct telephone number; Do send it to them again to avoid any mistake on the delivery and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package online to know when it will get to your address. Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their international shipment security charge of $90.00 US Dollars for their immediate action.

Why can’t you just give them my address, Your Omnipotence? I mean you’re Jesus, right. Robes, beard, fishes, loaves, levitation, crown-o-thorns? Surely FedEx would take your word for it? I mean, fuck, Jesus, if they don’t believe you, why would they believe me?

Your in God, Jesus.

That’s it? What about the pony I asked for when I was eight? Hello? Hello?

Well,that’s just typical.

________________________________________________________________

- A real man consists of manliness, stamina, endurance, and power.

And snips and snails and puppy dog tails!

- If your whole life is shit, at least you can have a decent watch on.

Say, Bob, how’s life? Shitty, thanks for reminding me. Nice watch. Up yours.

- From now you will be able to please each size queen

I, uh, think you might have me confused with somebody else.

- We will take excellent care of your body and soul

Another message from Jesus, no doubt. That guy is nothing if not persistent.

- Show your girlfriend that there can be a lot of flame your bed

Holy shit! What happened to you? Did you fall asleep while smoking again?

I think this was an ad for fire extinguishers.

- Even CEO’s consult us

Well, that certainly explains Chrysler and GM, now doesn’t it?

- Have a look here and you will feel like less of a man

You really have to wonder who clicks on a link like that, because, you know, somebody does. Who is that guy? I bet he’s wearing a fake Submariner watch.

- Women always ready to sleep with men who look rich

How do you explain Donny Trump then? The guy is rich, but he looks like a hobo on a Sterno bender – and women compete on TV to sleep with him. So do men.

- Your golden watch has a golden heart that is still beating

Well that’s just creepy. I think this was the plot of one of the Chucky movies.

- Women will be standing behind your door just to touch your submariner watch

Damnit, looks like I’ll need to get another restraining order.

- Men love skinny girls

And pie. Skinny girls and pie and I’m a happy man.

- Your hook will be the best hook of all the hooks in the world

Who’s this for? Blackbeard?

- With your big horse you can insert him even into the Statue of Liberty

The Statue of Liberty is anatomically correct? Those French, what jokers. And last time I was there, security wouldn’t even let you bring a bottle of water inside…

- Taste the sweetness of a rich looking person

Nine out of ten cannibals say they prefer Rich Bastards for their sweet smokey flavor.

- Free Penis Trial!

You come here often? How’d you like take my little friend out for a test drive? It’s free!

- Your member will grow as big as an oak

Unfortunately the rest of your package will shrink to the size of acorns. Remember, read the fine print.

- Your big proud friend in the pants will overshadow the Empire State Building

Bad lighting. Lousy dialog. Amateur camera work. Bunch of unknown actors. I knew it, Cloverfield was a porno

- She will want you right in the public bathroom of your choice

Dude. Public bathroom? There isn’t enough Lysol in the world. Hell I don’t even touch the soap dispenser. No. Just…no.

- Penis Enlargement now right at your door step!

That’s bound to get you talked about at the next Homeowner’s Association meeting. I mean they threatened to sue when your petunias had more than the approved number of petals, I suspect they’re not going to be real gung ho over this.

- Today you’ll revel in the ancient secret! Use it carefully!

Remember that Saturday morning TV show, Shazam! You know, young Billy and his “mentor” drive around the country in a Winnebago, avoiding the law and hiding out in crappy campgrounds. Every once in a while, Billy yells Shazam! and turns into “Captain Marvel,” a buff hunk in red spandex. Hey, I’m not implying anything here, but I found that show a little creepy.

- Viagra! It’s the place where all your dreams come true!

As I recall, that phrase usually follows “Neverland Ranch.”

- Will do it for money

I know girls who’ll do it for pudding.

- Women will jump in your bed like crazy rabbits!

How convenient because see…

- You’ll Perform like a real strong lion in bed.

It’s like we were made for each other. Pass the ketchup.

- Prince Charles Proves Gayness!

I’m not surprised. I mean, you ever see that guy swing a polo mallet?

- How customers are like lab rats!

Oops! Looks like an internal Microsoft memo escaped into the world. Pretend like you didn’t see this.

____________________________________________________________________

Whoosh! and the Spam folder is clear once again.

Previous Spam Folder Fodder: Part 1 and Part 2

Your Spam Will Be Graded

Is it just me?

Or do the spammers lately seem just a little desperate?

Yep, it’s spam folder clean out day. Bad news, spammers, not all of you will be advancing to the next grade.

________________________________________

- Hi, we are two geeks, and we would like to show you how we work for just a few minutes each day while we let our robot make us hundreds of dollars per year while we do whatever we want. It's so amazing, and simple....we are SHOCKED that not everyone is doing what we are doing...there really is no competition, and everyone could be rich if they want to be. It's crazy that we just have to work a few minutes per day. With a robot that can make you hundreds of dollars per year, I too am shocked that not everybody is doing what you’re doing. Wow. Hundreds of dollars, I gotta get me some of that.

- Women will bake you pies because of your mega size. Ohhhhh, I love pie. What kind of pie? Shoefly pie? Apple pie? Cherry is my favorite, just saying. And I purely hate peaches, so no peach pies, thanks. Also, I'm not sure I'm what you'd call "mega-size" so I probably don't qualify for a whole pie per se, but maybe they could bake me a tart or something? I'd be good with that.

- Prepare your manhood for deeds! The tagline from the next Van Wilder movie, no doubt.

- How many times have you lied about size of male pride? Never. Swear to God.

- Best oil for pork motor. I, uh, pork motor, what? Pork is greasy already, seems to me if you could make a motor from it, it wouldn’t need oil.

- A big instrument is a mortgage to success. Like a tuba, now that’s a big instrument. Chicks dig the tubaman. One thing though, I don’t think “mortgage” and “success” belong in the same sentence, just sayin’.

- Your cock size will be written on your forehead. There was this Marine once, when I was in Navy technical school, who drank too much Jack Daniels at a party and passed out. We wrote his cock size on his forehead, along with some helpful comparison diagrams. In permanent laundry marker. Then we took him downtown in a taxi and set him on a bench on the fishing pier in his skivvies. Oddly, the next morning, despite having his personal dimensions penned on his forehead, the chicks didn’t seem to find him all that attractive – admittedly, the vomit and sunburn might have been putting them off. From then on he was known around base as Corporal Dickhead.

- At spring girls put on their boobs and legs, dont miss your chance. Don’t miss my chance to what? And speaking of Marines, did I ever tell you about the two Jarheads who stole a one-legged hooker’s prosthetic leg? No? Well, they did. She was somewhat famous in that port, going by the professional moniker of “Hopalong.” There were T-shirts and everything. For the Marines it was sort of a rite of passage. Apparently she was quite enthusiastic, but had trouble staying centered, being as the missing leg was severed on the upper thigh near the hip. Supposedly this feature separated the men from the boys so to speak, as it required a certain degree of skill to remain properly positioned. Anyway long story short, she used to have to take her prosthetic leg off while, uh, servicing customers. She’d hang it on a nail on the wall. These two idiots took it as a trophy, I guess they figured they could outrun her – being Marines and all. Next morning there was a huge angry mob on the pier. No less than the mayor of the town was leading the procession and demanded return of the leg. The Master-at-Arms searched the ship, the leg was found in short order (though its location did have the MP’s stumped for a while) and the Captain himself returned it to Hopalong there on the pier in front of basically the whole town and had to apologize to the mayor. Later, at Captain’s Mast, the Marine’s defense consisted of the immortal line, “Shit, Skipper, I was so drunk, I thought it was my leg.” Just for future reference, really don’t use that as an excuse should you find yourself before the mast under similar circumstances.

- A giant, snow-covered banjo. Uh, what?

- Your wife will be cooking you food so you can have her right. You haven’t had my wife’s cooking, if dinner was left up to her we’d be eating frozen waffles and microwave pizza treats every day.

- Your will have such a biggie pride it will be enough even to divide. Now that’s what I call a reproductive system.

- Give her a serious bombing. Really, dude, you’ll be dynamite with the ladies. Talk about domestic terrorism.

- You'll brake walls with your boner. Well, hell, I’ve already got enough home repairs to do around here, I don’t need to be patching drywall too.

- Show your girlfriend what a real Sax is! Apparently they’ve got a pill that turns you into Charlie “The Bird” Parker. Go Pfizer! Instructions on the bottle: Grasp instrument firmly, place mouthpiece between lips and blow. Use tongue for extra effect…

- Get Clinton's charming skills. Um, which Clinton? Because, you know, it matters. You’d don’t want to be like Cypher in The Matrix, boy oh boy I wish I’d taken the blue pill…

- Every woman would like to hunt that beast inside your pats. Ah, yes, the fearsome pats beast. Bag enough of them, and with the right taxidermist you could make yourself a coat rack.

- Heave your sexual event with splendid medicaments. Look, I know we’re working through a translation barrier here, but generally it’s not a good idea to use "sexual event” and “heave” in the same sentence - also, I’d steer clear of “Ralph” and “upchuck.”

- Teach your woman obediency! Um, suuuuuure. You go first.

- Women always belittle men who don't amaze them with their extra dimensions. Ah, yes, the old, “excuse me, I’m a quantum physicist, you didn’t happen to see my superstring laying around did you? Give it a good yank and it’ll open a wormhole to extra dimensions you’ve only dreamed about, Baby” line. I understand this is heard most commonly in the bar at Mensa conventions.

- Now men with abnormal sizes can enjoy this life. Well, that’s good because I wear a size 10 1/2 narrow hiking boot, and they’re a bitch to find.

- We will make the serving size of your meat much larger. I understand Wendy’s was considering this as an advertising slogan, but it wouldn’t fit on the banners. Ultimately they went with “Supersize” instead.

- Wearing a small member is even worse than wearing hand-cuffs. Yeah, but if your member is small enough, you could use it to pick the handcuffs. That would be a useful skill.

- Magnesium oxide insufficiency is not your problem. Well, that’s good to know. Also, I’m pretty sure that Chromate Hexafluoride insufficiency is not my problem. Neither is Bromide Permanganate deficiency.

- You can't rent a big friend in your underwear… Yeah, but wouldn’t it be cool if you could? Howdy, welcome to RentaCenter, how can we help you? Well…

- Women will be standing in line just to touch your watch. Because the bitches are shallow like that. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ladies, please. No pushing, no shoving, and no throwing panties - well, Ok, but only in the Jello Pit. Really, you’ll all get your chance to touch my fake watch…Ten dollars for pictures with it though. $20 for a video of me putting my arm around your neck, $25 if you ask me for the time...

- Sleep with a sexy married woman tonight! Well, see, I already planned on that. Don’t tell anybody.

- A big equipment in your pants brings big fruits for hot chicks to pick up. Who’s this targeted at, Migrant Farm Labor?

And last,

- You have dishonored your families, your company and your nation. Even the hookers you invited to last year's lavish Christmas party now avoid you in shame," Mr. Robotto says. "Oh yeah, It's Seppuku time!" Jesus Christ, I’ve been drunk a couple of times and regretted it the next morning, but not to the point of actually embarrassing my entire nation. Even the hookers are ashamed, folks. Giving a ten dollar blowjob next to a roach filled dumpster in the back alley doesn’t bother them, but you? Well a girl has got to have some standards is all. Holy shit, dude, what the hell did you do? Painful Japanese suicide is the only answer, Loser-san. (I’m not really sure what this email was about. The spammer forget to include the usual link for man pills or faux Submariner watches – maybe it was for Samurai swords, or a job with the George W. Bush Freedom Library).

_______________________________________________

And with that, Whoosh! the spam folder is cleared out until next week.

And for you statistics nuts

Over a 1 week period:

Legit emails: 438.

Spam emails: 10,832…833…834…5…6…

Email

It appears that my personal email system suffered some kind of catastrophic meltdown during the weekend.

Frankly I didn't notice.

I looked at it this morning, it looked OK. Didn't see anything pressing and went on to other things (and in fact now that I think about it, my queues looked remarkable similar to how they looked on Saturday morning, which should have set off the ominious nagging feeling - but didn't, for some reason).

Got a forum message from a friend saying she'd tried to email my private address and had the message kicked back because the account was full.

It was.

Ten Megabytes full - according to the webmail status page.

Near as I can figure, sometime Saturday my local client partially crashed and stopped downloading traffic from the ISP mail server, which promptly filled up - mostly with spam.

I think I've got it fixed, but it's still downloading at this point and it's going to be a while before I can sort through everything. So if you're one of the privileged horde who has my private email address and you sent me a message and you were expecting a reply, here's the deal: if you didn't get an error message from my server, you're probably good and I'll get back to you eventually. If you did get a server error, some technobabblygook about your message being rejected or my inbox being full, you'll need to resend.

I see at least one issue, an email conversation, that I should have been involved in where people are probably wondering what the hell the deal is. Sorry folks - and I'm sure you know who you are - I'll get on it. In the mean time, count me in.

The counter on the spam folder just went past 4000.

As a slightly related aside: You know I purely hate spammers. I think we should hunt them down, strip them naked, bend them over a waist high post, nail their scrotums to it with industrial staples, and jam large toothed eels up their collective asses by the bagful with a hydraulic ram until their colons explode.

What?

Oh, like you haven't had that exact same thought.
_____________________________________________________

Messages sent to my public Stonekettle gmail account are fine.

From the Spam Folder

This week’s batch of creative spam.

Well, see, except this is also apparently Dr. Gretchen West, Dr. Barry Gorur (in drag I’m guessing), Dr. Rosaline Kidd, Dr. Goldie Moore, Dr. Donna Claude, and about fifteen other “Doctors” of various names. Clones I’m guessing. Seriously, if you’re going to include a random name with a picture of a skanky ho, you probably shouldn’t be sending it multiple times with multiple names to the same address, Dumbass. Also, I did not visit your website and I don’t need my life changed, I like it just the way it is. Skank free. Thanks.

Be like a 16-year old in bed! Inexperienced? Clumsy? Over enthusiastic? Not having a clue as to what you’re doing? Hair trigger? Not particularly discriminating? Not really sure how all the parts fit together? Drunk? Reeking of Clearasil Zit Cream? Afraid your folks are going to catch you? Alone?

Men will see your power in every public shower! Aren’t there laws against this sort of thing?

Give her 3-hour rodeo! Ever hear the one about rodeo sex? See when you’re making love to your wife, you slap her on the ass really hard and say “That’s how my girlfriend likes it!” …Then you try to stay on for eight seconds, Yeehah!

Give her animal desire! Uh, uh, uh, you know I’m not even going to touch this one. And you keep your girlfriend away from my dog, I’m warning you. He bites.

You can forge the perfect male thing yourself like a professional blacksmith. 2500 degree cherry red furnace, molten metal glowing white hot, giant iron mallet, sparks flying, big sweaty guy with bulging biceps and forearms like Popeye in a pair of assless chaps … you with your male thing on the anvil…

Now you don’t have to get bigger shoes to trick women around you. Does this work? Really? Because I’ve got a set of size 12 Knee High Baffin Boots out in the shop…

Even if you are ugly women will still want to sleep with you. And if you’re not ugly you’ll have to beat the bitches off with a stick!

We’ll hamper your confidence! I don’t think “hamper” means what you think it means.

Women will stare at your bulge with their mouth open! Oh, they already do, they already do.

How to eliminate all your yacht or boat expense NOW! Sink that son of a bitch and collect the insurance! Run drugs from Columbia to Miami for South American drug lords! Smuggle in Illegals from China! Seriously nothing chaps my ass like those pesky yacht expenses.

Win the manhood fight every time! Pole vaulting? Sword fighting like gladiators? Jousting, naked on horseback? Wrestling? That must be what they meant about public showers.

Deeper into her entrails! Entrails? What am I, Hannibal the cannibal Lector? Jesus Christ.

Now you can poke your big impressing tool into everybody’s business! Hey, it’ll be just like an Italian subway! Poke poke. Chicks dig that. This is especially effective if you're a teacher and it's tenure review day in front of the school board...

Authentic Fake University Diplomas. I can picture the interview now: and here’s my credentials. They look fake. Oh, they are, absolutely authentic fakes. Excellent. So about this job here at the art museum? Yeah, you’ll be certifying all our incoming forgeries as authentic. Cool, right up my alley.

Hey, it’s Friday, what were you expecting?

Enjoy your weekend, and try not to stick your big impressive tool where it don’t belong, eh?

Christian Sex and Other Fun From the Spam Folder

Let’s start with a few letters today, shall we?

__________________________________________________________

Dear Serious Wealth Seeker:

[serious wealth seeker? Hmm, who me? I’m rarely seriously about anything these days, certainly not the seeking of wealth. I don’t need to seek it, I know where it is. But wealth and I are traveling two different paths and wealth pretends not to know me. Bastard. Now if this was addressed to Dear Serious Chocolate Chip Cookie Seeker or maybe Dear Serious Seeker of The Lost Bootleg Dire Straits Tapes you might get my attention]

Hello, my name is Lenny Curcio and thank you for visiting this website to learn about my amazing system and how you can earn over $2,000 in as little as 10 days without ever recruiting, joining any MLM's, cash gifting opp’s, matrixes, building downlines, or talking to a single person at all. I've been utilizing this system to make big bucks real fast... so be sure to read every single word on this page... It's that important!

[So, Lenny, you’re saying that somebody will give me money and I don’t have to do anything at all? And I can make big buckets of cash fast? Are you sure you’ve got the right guy? I mean I don’t even work for General Motors or Merrill Lynch]

Trust me...

[Of course I trust you, Lenny. I trust all random unknown people from the Internet who send me unsolicited get-rich-quick schemes via spam]

…after you have read and digested on what is to follow, you too will find your heart pounding and mind racing with sleepless excitement!

[Free money and high blood pressure plus insomnia too? If only an online pharmacy would send me email advertising discount drugs from Central Africa to deal with these medical problems…oh wait]

You'll (once and for all) have the peace-of-mind knowing that your life's money worries will finally be over -- just as that little voice inside of you has always believed.

[Um, Lenny? That little voice inside of me says that he believes I should kill you, dump your body in a vat of weak sulfuric acid to remove your flesh, and make an ashtray from the top of your skull. It’s getting harder and harder to ignore the voice, Lenny. Run, Lenny, run run.]

Or maybe you're just looking for a proven way to easily generate thousands weekly like we do…

[We? So, you hear voices too?]

…then you’ve come to the right place. I've seen an unusual surge in the number of people joining me in this hassle-free business recently... it seems like the worse the economy gets, the more people turn to me for help.

[They also turn to robbery, suicide, booze, palm readers, and internet porn. You’re not really in good company, Lenny, just saying]

I'm going to share with you the exact same secrets to achieving the same results we've achieved. You'll be doing the exact same things that I've been doing each and every day to generate a never-ending stream of cash-flow. And no stone will be left unturned. If you follow my simple instructions exactly, you're going to make money, lots of it... and in 10 days or less!
Go to my website now for ALL the details.

[So, I’ll be doing what you do then? I.e. living in my mom’s basement. Never getting laid. Wearing the same dirty pajamas day in and day out. Stealing identities, committing wire fraud, and playing World of Warcraft instead of having, you know, an actual life? Like that? oooh, sign me up.]

_______________________________________________________________

Unlike the above letter, in Nigeria, Wealth seeks you!

ROBERT MUELLER III

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.

[Well, this seems legit]

ATTENTION:

[uh oh. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with Lenny, that bastard]

We believe this notification meets you in a very good present state of mind and health.

[Well, my blood pressure is a tad high, Bob, and the little voice in my head is telling me to turn Lenny into an arts and crafts project, but other than that I’m good]

We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) And also With the Fedral Ministry of Finance as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.

[Holy Hell! How does the FBI do that? Those guys are everywhere! They know everything! Nobody escapes the Global Intelligence Monitoring Network! Well, except for Osama and Saddam’s WMDs and Wall Street and…]

It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay.

[And here people say the FBI is a bunch of incompetent jackasses, and yet the director still has time to read my email]

Having said all this, we will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with FEDEX SHIPPING HEAD MANAGER OF INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING DEPARTMENT REV EM

[Well, I mean if Bob Mueller III the Executive Director of the Federal Bureau of Intimidation personally vouches for it, I guess it’s OK. Right?]

In addendum, also be informed that we recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria And the State Finance Department, in the person of Prof. Chukwuma Soludo and Mr. Aderemi Babalola on along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim.

[Chukwuma Soludo would be a cool name for an all-girl Puerto Rican hip hop group]

They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the FEDEX SHIPPING COMPANY WHO ARE INCHARGE TO GET YOUR ATM CARD SHIPPED TO YOU.

[Well, yeah. Don’t you hate it when unscrupulous elements try to horn in on your unscrupulous Nigerian Letter scam? I know I do]

We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from OHIO Try to Cliam your fund Package from them and also told them you sent her to collect THE ATM CARD PACKAGE WHICH THE TOTAL IN IT IS $20 MILLION USD AND THIS INCLUDE INTEREST RATE UP TO DATE.

[You really can’t trust people from those big square Midwestern states]

They further informed us that we should warn our dear citizens who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to this irregularities so that they don't fall victim to this ugly circumstance.

[Nothing worse than to fall victim to an ugly circumstance - especially the next morning with a pounding hangover headache and you can’t remember her name or how she got into your bed or why she’s wearing the Mickey Mouse ears or what that really frightened looking sheep is doing in your closet wearing your underpants for a hat. But, I digress]

And should in case you are already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria…

[Well, come to think of it, I have been contacted by a couple of Nigerian widows and a long lost uncle in the Oil Ministry…]

…OR from Fedex Shipping company…

[Oh, shit! I got a package from FedEx this morning!]

…you are further advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest…

[Guess I’ll have to use UPS]

…and then contact immediately the real office of the FEDEX SHIPPING COMAPNY IN CHARGE OF YOUR ATM CARD PACKAGE AND ALL IT BACK UP DOCUMENT SO IT CAN BE SHIPPED TO YOU ONCE THEY RECEIVE YOUR MESSAGE. MY ADVICE TO YOU NOW IS TO CONTACT REV EMMANUEL JOHNSON VIA EMAIL HE IS THE MANAGER OF FEDEX INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING DEPARTMENT WITH THE INFORMATION BELOW AND HE WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO NEXT ON HOW TO GET YOUR ATM CARD PACKAGE SHIPPED TO YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS. CONTACT REV EMMANUEL THROUGH EMAIL FOR MORE INFORMATION ON HOW TO GET YOUR ATM CARD PACKAGE WHICH CONTAIN $20 MILLION USD AND THIS INCLUDE INTEREST RATE UP TO DATE.

FEDEX BUILDING COMPANY

OFFICE ADDRESS: 29 AIRPORT ROAD

VICTORIA ISLAND, LAGOS, NIGERIA

NAME: REV EMMANUEL JOHNSON

EMAIL: [REV_E’s_NIGERIAN_LETTER_SCAM.COM]

[I should probably send my bank account information and social security number too, huh? Just to be safe, is what I’m saying]

NOTE:

In your best interest, any message that doesn't come from the above official email address should not be replied to and should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will advise that you contact the FEDEX OFFICE THROUGH EMAIL immediately with the above email address and request that they attend to your payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly. Ensure you follow all their procedure as may be required by them as that will further help hasten up the whole procedures as regards to the transfer of your fund to you as designated. Also have in mind that the FEDEX INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING DEPARTMENT equally have their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms, so delay could be very dangerous. Once again, we will advise that you contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary informations which they may require from you prior to the release of your fund to you accordingly. All modalities has already been worked out even before you were contacted and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you and the FEDEX INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING DEPARTMENT. Without wasting much time, will want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.Should in case you need any more informations in regards to this notification,feel free to get back to us so that we can brief you more as we are here to guide you during and after this project has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated.Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.

[Well, that certainly sounds very official and FBI-like. (Snark aside, when I worked in military intelligence I actually saw several memos from the FBI that were pretty damned close to this in syntax and grammar. It wasn’t pretty, but it was almost as amusing)]

Best Regards remember Once you contact him keep me update.

[oh, I will, Bob, you can count on it]

Robert S. Mueller III

Federal Bureau of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue,

NW Washington, D.C.

20535-0001, USA

[You know it’s official when it includes the actual address of the J. Edgar Hoover Building]

_____________________________________________________________________________

- Christian Sex Instruction – How to experience Christian Sex

You know, I almost clicked on this one. I mean, seriously, don’t you want to know?

Christian Sex, Step 1: Remember, 1 Man + 1 Woman (This is very important! Don’t become confused! Use the included identification diagrams to ensure proper parts and fit).

Christian Sex, Step 2: Under no circumstance shall you enjoy it. Ever. If you enjoy it, it’s sodomy, and you’ll burn in hell forever.

Christian Sex, Step 3: There’s a reason why it’s called the “Missionary” position, know it, use it. A woman on top is like Satan on top. If it isn’t the missionary position, it’s sodomy, and you’ll burn in hell forever. Remember, Jesus, He's watching you do it and evaluating your technique.

Christian Sex, Step 4: Yell “Jesus” and “Oh God” a lot. At the end, say “Amen.” (Note, do NOT refer to you wife’s bajingo as “The Valley Of Death,” or you’ll likely be fearing some major evil – just sayin’)

Christian Sex, Step 5: Wash you hands. Check for Pregnancy. If you have sex and your wife doesn’t get pregnant, it’s sodomy, and you’ll burn in hell forever.

Christian Sex, Step 6: Repeat once per year as necessary.

Note: Remember St. Peter's Prayer and repeat it often, "Please God, cure her damned headache and let me have some sex tonight."

- Open this attachment, you Jew!

Ah, racist stereotyping as a marketing tool. Brought to you by the same people as the Christian Sex spam, no doubt.

- Give her a real immoral pleasure pounding! Your woman will be shocked by your fang's astonishing progress!

I wonder what happens if you click on the Christian Sex and the Immoral Pleasure Pounding links at the same time? Would it be like matter and anti-matter and the Internet disappears in a blinding flash of total annihilation? Or would you actually induce the End Times, Armageddon and the last battle between good and evil? More likely you’d be magically transported directly into Ted Haggard’s hotel room.

- Your man energy will return to you like a boomerang

Um, now there’s a funny mental image…

- Innovative Anti-Virals. Flush up to 15lbs of waste and toxins from you body in one sitting.

• Flush out Excess Pounds!
• Break Up and Remove Harmful Toxins!
• Have More Energy! Fight Fatigue!
• Reduce Gas & Boating, while Flattering your Tummy

Reduce Gas and Boating? Well, I guess you don’t want to be flushing out fifteen POUNDs of waste from your body while floating down the river in a canoe now would you? “Hey, thanks for inviting us along on your new boat, Bob. Frrrppppt! Whoa, sorry about that, folks, heh, heh. There’s about fourteen more pounds where that came from! Weeoh! Bean burritos always have that effect on me. Got a mop, ur, swab, Matey?”

- We provide affordable drugs from every illness

Ebola? We got it. Measles? No problem. Swine Flu? Sure!

- Turn your little sparrow into an eagle

I tried looking up a picture of an eagle’s penis on the Internet. Unfortunately all I got was another letter from the FBI saying, “We’re watching you.” However, from what I gather, the eagle, mighty though he may be, has a willie about the size of a stick match. Probably not the best analogy for man enlargement pills.

- Enlarging your male weapon means winning a war

And we were pissed about having to take the small pox and anthrax vaccinations before the Iraq invasion. Try to image the Colonel having this conversation with his troops, “Men, intelligence has determined the reason why the insurgency has gained such a foothold, it’s because you all have little dicks… Settle down, settle down. Nobody knows more about being a big dick than the Pentagon, they have a plan. The medic will be by in a couple of minutes to give you a bottle of pills. You’ll take one every day, boys, for freedom!”

- Thanks to our drugs your manhood will shine once again

"What the hell? It’s like a Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer nightlight! How many of those pills did you take? Back off, Sparky, you're not sticky that thing in me, I don't wanna get electrocuted.

- If watering your instrument doesn’t help it become bigger we know what will help

Fertilizer and new potting soil?

- Add turbines to your meat jet

I, uh, what now?

- Attack you lady harder

Because I don’t have enough restraining orders against me already, right?

- With a big stick you’ll be the king of the beach

Until you run into the Warlord of the Beach, he’s the one with the gun. “You brought a stick to a gun fight? Bawahahahaha! Bang! Who’s the king now, biotch? Here, rub some lotion on my back.”

- Wang Won’t Be Unready!

According to IMDB, this one stars Jackie Chan as Wang.

- Lost your libido and stamina? We would help you look for it!

It’s not under the sofa cushions, maybe you left it in the car?

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__________________________________________________________

More From the Spam Folder here, and Your Spam Will Be Graded.

Attention Nigeria:

I am happy with myself.

Really.

Just so you know:

I don't need any of my tools to be bigger, larger, longer, heftier, electrifying, monstrous, ribbed for pleasure, able to drill holes in tempered molybdenum, able to pound nails into solid oak, turned into a giant python that can squeeze an adult goat to death, capable of sustained operation for 36 hours, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound or lift a mini-van full of hot, horny and desperate soccer moms who just happen to live in my neighborhood and want to meet me. I'm not interested in living the life of a rock star, or in invading her Utah Beach with my landing craft of love, I do not want to party like a porn star.

I do not want to meet Russian babes, even if they are my true love and ready to party. I'm not interested in a fresh faced and compliant Malaysian Girl, even if she will "love me, long time." I don't want to fly to the Philippines and pick out a new wife, even if the selection is guaranteed to be virginal and to love Jesus.

I don't want to invest. In anything. Period. Really. I'm not interested in buying gold, silver, land, an island, a small country, your invention, your sister, your mother, or an oyster farm.

I'm not interested in helping you move massive amounts of cash out of your country. Not for fifty, seventy five, or even ninety percent of the take. I'm also not interested in your sob story, I don't care if your dad, mom, sister, brother, daughter, son, uncle, or pet dog was a minister of finance or transmission repair or the evil dictator himself. I don't care if he, she, or it worked for your country's oil industry. I don't care if you are a greedy bastard looking for a partner in order to fleece your country out of billions. I don't care if you're a childless devout Christian woman looking for somebody to manage your late husband's millions so you can die in peace knowing that I, a devout born again Christian, will donate your money to charity in the name of jesuschristourlordandsavior.

Nigeria, you seem to be spending in inordinate amount of effort attempting to get my attention, and I hate to see you waste your time. So, really, I hope this clears up the situation and explains why I haven't replied to any of your emails. Thanks.

------------------

Yeah, I just went through the spam folder for this week. Really, you don't want to know.

From the Spam Folder

Anti-aging secret revealed!

It's...






Photoshop!