Friday, May 14, 2010

Some Thoughts On the Times Square Bomber

You know, I haven’t been posting much lately.

I’ve been busy as hell and frankly I haven’t had that much to say.

That’s probably a good thing.

See, I read the news and nothing really jumps out at me these last few weeks. Things seem to be looking up, unemployment is down for the second straight month in a row and it looks like that’s a solid trend. The economy is growing – slowly to be sure, but steadily growing none-the-less. People are buying stuff and building houses again and this too appears to be a trend. We seem to be making progress on both fronts of this idiotic war and troops are starting to coming home from Iraq and the focus is shifting to Afghanistan where it should have been all along. A bunch of sane people have decided to reduce the number of nuclear weapons in the world and are prepared to take yet another step back from the brink of annihilation – not far enough back yet, in my not so humble opinion, but I like that we’re head away from the abyss instead of galloping hell bent for leather straight at it grinning like demented baboons. In spite of the dire predictions and the continued sobbing noises from Jesus, we don’t appear to be either dead, socialists, communists, or fascists yet (I mean us Americans, not you people who are already Canadian) – this despite the fact that universal healthcare is always the harbinger of such terrifying social oppression. The Birthers have finally been told to officially fuck off by the State of Hawaii and stop wasting tax payer money with their ridiculous nonsense. Despite infallible biblical prophecy and the disturbingly accurate predictions of Nostradamus it appears that Barack Obama is not, in fact, the actual son of Satan. And so far as I know, Glenn Beck can still buy a twice fried cherry pie at New York’s Chip Shop – though it is entirely possible that he is the whelp of the Dark Prince.

Is everything perfect?

No, of course not, but watching the news and comparing today to a year ago it seems to me that we’ve turned a corner.

Take the current batch of media terrorists for example – I just can’t get all that worked up over these goons. Seriously, folks, we’re dealing with the B-team. The Shoe Bomber, Underpants Jihad, and British Petroleum? America used to have much more competent enemies. I’m watching people run around squawking and flapping their arms over the failed Times Square attack and I have to shake my head in amazement. Really? How many murders were committed in New York today? How many people were maimed from shootings, stabbings, and hot cherry pie filling? I don’t know that I’d call Faisal Shahzad the clown shoes of terrorism – I think I’ll reserve that title for those six ultra-religious dipshits in Michigan who thought they were going to take down the New World Order with a silly name and Bazooka Jesus, or maybe that guy who tried to blow up an airplane by lighting his nuts on fire and now has to go through life with the appellation “underpants bomber.” I do think Shahzad is a damned fine example of the Peter Principle of Terror. Nothing went right for Shahzad. His car bomb was pure amateur hour. I’m not saying it couldn’t have hurt or killed people – you know, if it actually went off - but for crying out loud, folks, he could have killed a shitload more people by just getting drunk and driving that SUV into a queue outside of Cats. Hell he was only a block away. This idiot sure wasn’t any Tim McVeigh and it’s unlikely that any enterprising barman will name a drink after him like the Irish Car Bomb or the I.E.D. - though I suppose you could refer to when the bartender screws up your order as pulling a "Shahzad." Hell, the “fertilizer” he used might as well have been potting soil, he didn’t know the difference between the kind that explodes and the kind made from cow dung (something he could have learned in five minutes on the internet). He made every mistake it is possible to make, up to and including buying the SUV off of Craigslist using his real name, credit card, and actual address and then parking it directly under a security camera – and then went on to demonstrate the same stupidity with his plane tickets. This guy left a trail even the WMD Division at the CIA could follow. The good guys couldn’t have identified him any quicker if he’d walked into Langley wearing an “I tried to blow up my car, but all I did was burn my lips on the tailpipe” T-shirt. Once in custody he admitted everything. He confessed all and he couldn’t wait to name names and spill every secret he had. He’s still talking, babbling like the little bitch he is and the FBI is rounding up his friends. The Army didn’t even have to beat him with lead pipes, pump water up his nose, hook his balls to a car battery, or force him to toss Dick Cheney’s salad. Between the time Shahzad parked his truck and the time the G-men snatched him off that airplane at JFK, more people were terminated by SUV’s driven by fine upstanding American soccer moms yakking on their cell phones than Shahzad could possibly have killed with his bomb even if he actually knew what he was doing. Which he didn’t. In fact, no one died, no one was hurt, no property was damaged, and America survived another day. Terrorist? Instead of sending Shahzad to Gitmo they ought to tattoo a big “L” on his forehead, Have President Obama thank him publically for his help in ratting out Al Qaeda, and then drop him off in downtown Peshawar wearing a George W. Bush commemorative hat. It could be a new reality TV show, Run Faisal Run!

Look, I’m not saying that terrorism is dead, or that we don’t need to be vigilant. But, seriously, call me back when you’ve got something better than some loser wannabe with a backseat full of BBQ grill propane tanks and a fistful of sparklers.

Now, what I don’t get are the people condemning the administration for Mirandizing Shahzad.

Seriously, people, what the fuck?

The guy admitted it.

Let’s repeat that for the Conservatives in the room, shall we? I’ll speak slowly so the Republicans can understand.

He confessed. The evidence against him is overwhelming. He confessed. He wasn’t tortured. He confessed. His rights as an American were explained to him, including the right to keep his mouth shut. And still he confessed. He confessed to the whole damned thing. He confessed.

How exactly, Conservatives, to you think he’s going to beat the rap?

What’s the fear here? He’ll claim insanity? He will roll the steel ball brearings in his hand and start mumbling about the strawberries, the strawberries?

Is he the Magik Moslem? Does he have some kind of Pakistani Jedi Mind Control thing going on? These are not the terrorists you’re looking for! Death to America!

Will he hire Johnny Cochran? If the bomb didn’t do shit, you must acquit!

He hasn’t exactly shown himself to be a cunning adversary up until now, so really what it it?

It’s liberal judges, isn’t it? That’s what conservatives are really afraid of.

Prosecutor: Your Honor, we’ve got this terrorist bastard dead to rights. We’ve got receipts and bomb making parts and love letters from Osama Bin Laden himself addressed to the defendant. We’ve got DNA and used condoms, a goat, and a tub of Crisco. We’ve got him on video. We’ve got eye-witnesses. We’ve got his finger prints and even his mother says he’s a no good for nothing piece of goat humping terrorist shit that ought to be gang raped in prison by wild pigs. Annnnnnnnnnnnd, we’ve got his signed confession. Viola! He did it, your honor. Sir.

Judge: Sorry, but we’re going to have to let him go.

Prosecutor: But…

Judge: No, we have to let him go, otherwise the polar bears will die in the global warming after getting welfare abortions. Also, give him free healthcare, an apology, and a puppy.

That’s it, isn’t it?

I mean what else could it be?

For a bunch of people who routinely claim to be the only real Americans, they don’t seem to have much faith in their own legal system. Do they honestly believe that the only way to convict this idiot is in front of a military tribunal? Seriously, they want to legitimize this retard? Do they really want to give Shahzad actual honest to Allah bona fide status as an enemy combatant? How in the hell does this third-rate goof deserve multi-million dollar high security detention at Gitmo? Complete with Marine guards and high tech holding cell and cameras and a court of military officers who could be doing something useful?

He’s a loser. A half-assed sorry little loser. Treat him like one. Give him a public defender and remand him over to the New York Court System. Let him sit in a cell with the rest of the bottom feeders for a year or so and then after he’s been convicted send him upstate with the rest of the reprobates.

Give him a month in Sing Sing, he’ll wish he was in Gitmo.


  1. One of the worst aspects of Sing Sing is that the Hudson Line of Metro North runs through the place, not next to it, but through it.

    On the other hand it has an excellent river view.

  2. The word "whelp" is not used nearly often enough in our society. Thanks for doing your part.

  3. Fun article, excepting the slurs against Canadians. We're not "dead, socialists, communists, or fascists", the Canadian Communist party got very few votes in the last election (except of course in Saskatchewan). So there!

  4. I want to apologize for the vitriolic tone of my message above. Very unCanadian. I'm sorry for any pain it caused Chief Petty Sergeant Write.

  5. Canadians, sheesh. No wonder everybody hates you.

  6. I use Canadian vitriol as a dressing.

    ransts: noun. pl. of ranst. (Cf. more at ranst.)

  7. Amyzon the OracleMay 14, 2010 at 3:44 PM

    Saturday Night Live had a hilarious take on the bomber. I giggled for a good five minutes. You can find it here .

  8. Maybe it's time to dust off Dean Ing's story "Very Proper Charlies" and try the treatment in real life. These vicious idiots deserve contempt and mockery more than fear. Just sayin'

    Firter - Scottish gas passer

  9. Sweetie, if he hires Johnny Cochran it will be a certifiable miracle...Cochran's been dead for years!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  10. It's even better: I've said this before, I'll say it again here--Miranda was about the single best thing that ever happened to law enforcement.

    I mean, what's going to happen when Shahzad goes to court is that if his lawyer even bothers filing a motion to suppress Shahzad's statement, that liberal judge is going to look at the signed Miranda rights form and tell the lawyer that the statement's coming in, sorry, end-of-story, why are you even wasting this court's time on something like this? And then the jury, if Shahzad doesn't plea out (which he should, unless the Feds just won't offer him a damn thing in their plea offer or unless he really is legally crazy), the jury will hear teh entire statement and/or watch the whole video interview, no questions asked.

    On the other hand, absent that rights waiver: you can bet your ass Shahzad's lawyer would be arguing his client was coerced, intimidated, outrightly actually tortured--and with the government's current record on this kind of thing, any statements Shahzad made to law enforcement would be hanging by a thread. And let me point one more thing out: there are a few areas where conservative judges and liberal judges overlap, and the Fifth Amendment is one of them; indeed conservatives have been known to be bigger libertarians on Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Amendment issues than their liberal brethren. (You wanna know whose name a criminal defense lawyer wants to see on a majority SCOTUS search-and-seizure or confrontation clause opinion? Scalia's. I see Scalia's name on top of the page, delivering the opinion of the court, it's a good day for the nation's criminal defendants.)


    cousen: What a teabagger's parents called one another before marriage.

  11. Wendy, everybody knows Zombie Johnnie Cochran is the greatest American lawyer not alive. His recent victory in Commonwealth v. John Does 1-18 (Former Inhabitants Of Westside Cemetery) was a thing of beauty--in particular his closing argument, in which his dazzling rhetoric invoked the spirit of Clarence Darrow, which Zombie Johnnie Cochran then fed an Assistant County Solicitor who was serving as second chair for the prosecution. While the case is still pending appeal, I'm confident the appellate court will hold that a dismembered juror is harmless error.

  12. I will use the appellation"Zombie Johnnie Cochran" at least once in conversation today. Yes.

  13. Although Cochran's firm still has an active Atlanta branch, I'd neglected to add in the zombie factor when considering the founding partner.

    Explains why the firm is so cozy in that 100-year old building on Peachtree Street!! And it is suspciously close to Oakland Cemetary...new clients!

    Trust me, this city has a whole lot of old, spooky, zombified buildings downtown.

  14. Thank you Jebus for incompetent enemies.

  15. Also, "Cats" finally closed on Broadway a few years back. We thought the Berlin Wall would never come down either...

  16. Sandy, I know, but I deliberately used a reference everybody would get, not just those who keep up with the current Broadway Lineup.


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