_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sunday, October 10, 2010

From the Spam Folder

 

I realized that I hadn’t flushed the spam folder in quite some time.

Quite some time.

Honestly, who writes this shit? Worse, who actually clicks on spam links? Somebody must, or there wouldn’t be spam in the first place. Who are those people?

And why are they still outside of institutions?


Hi there, my name is Melissa and I'm a 31 year old married woman. Before I start, I want to tell you that married women like me are not sluts, we love our husbands, but you only live once and we have needs and want to be satisfied everywhere, and by everywhere I mean everywhere.

Slut: an adulteress, hussy, loose woman.  Whoa, good thing Melissa isn’t one of those. Note: about the time I typed “slut” into the Google, my friend Shawn Powers called me on Skype from his church – I swear, I was just looking up the definition of slut, I didn’t even glance at the pictures. No really. OK, I’m going to hell.

Turn your polish sausage into Megatron

I think the author might be mixing a few metaphors here.

 

Impress your colleagues with bling-bling

You mean my colleagues Queen Environmental Specialist  and MC Civil Engineer Guy?

 

Awake your amorous spirit

Wasn’t this a very special episode of Ghost Whisperer? I once heard a guy say Jennifer Love Hewitt could get a rise out of a dead man, but I thought that was just hyperbole.

 

She dreams every night of a big man

Marlon Brando? Orson Wells? Paul Bunyan? Megatron the Polish Sausage Man?

 

These Russian Women DO NOT play games

That’s too bad, we were looking for a forth for Naked Twister…

 

The Pill That Will Make your device 9 inches long really fast!

Why the hell would I want a pill that would make me smaller?

 

Show Miley Cyrus your new organ…

…and then Miley will show you her new stun gun, when you wake up you can meet Billy Ray and his friends. That will be fun.

 

Never look back, size increase is permanent

Isn’t that what they tell the new fish, in the prison shower?

 

Most ladies will call you the biggest tool in town

Hey!

 

High-class boner pills online

Nothing say high-class like the word “boner.”

 

TRY, IT IS PLEASANT TO YOU I couldn't bear my period cramps when I didn't knew about this amazing premenstrual medication!

Morphine?

 

Someone's wife wants to date you

Is her name Melissa?

 

Become her drillosaur!

This Halloween, I’m totally going as the drillosaurus! Trick or Treat, Baby! What do you say we make each other extinct before the giant comet kills us all? Say, could you help a thunder lizard out? See with these tiny little arms I can’t reach my…

 

Long, wide and strong device isn’t a dream anymore, Make women stare at your pants on the streets. If you don’t want to feel yourself a loser, order enlargement pills.

Ha! I spilled coffee in my lap last week and women were staring at my pants all day – for free. Who’s the loser now, Jackass?


Ah, Spam, an endless source of amusement. Previous Adventures with Spam here

8 comments:

  1. Hahahahahahaha!

    "This Halloween, I’m totally going as the drillosaurus!"

    Hahahahahahahahahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  2. "…and then Miley will show you her new stun gun, when you wake up you can meet Billy Ray and his friends. That will be fun."

    And they will sing 'Achy breaky part'.

    dipper: n. One who dips, usually den to fifteen percent.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mandolin.

    After a very long discussion, my friend and I decided that is one of the few things T-Rex could actually do with those arms.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pfft. Everyone knows all the drillosaurs are extinct: they were swallowed by the tyranosauruses.

    And I don't think you should be afraid to show Miley Cyrus your organ. If her album of Procol Harum covers takes off, she's going to need someone for the tour and not just the sessions.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The organ in question is a pipe organ, Eric, not really suited for the Cyrus tour.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think if one of you guys showed Miley your "organ" Billy Ray would be the least of your worries. Under most states
    laws, you would probably be examining other inmates' organs up close and personal.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I doubt the opportunity will present itself anytime soon

    ReplyDelete
  8. "This Halloween, I’m totally going as the drillosaurus!"

    I couldn't have imagined that in a million years that I'd find use for a sentence like that. Simply amazing!

    ReplyDelete

Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.