Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Handy Man Special

You need to fix everybody in your lives to be absolutely pro-gun, You need to talk guns all the time. You need to talk hunting all the time… If it was up to me, if you uttered the word 'gun control,' we'd put you in jail. Does anybody not know that the most dangerous place in the world is a gun-free zone?

The most dangerous place in the world is a gun-free zone.

If you mention gun control, you should go to jail.

The quote above was from the Motor City Madman himself, Ted “Bang Bang” Nugent, speaking to the National Rifle Association last Sunday night in Pittsburgh.  He got a standing ovation and then rocked out a heavy metal version of the Star Spangled Banner from a stage festooned with assault rifles, hunting bows, and the skulls of various big game.

You mention gun control, we put you in jail, because the most dangerous place in the world is a place free of guns.


This is a common theme of late, reaching a fevered pitch in the last two years for some odd unidentifiable reason (see what I did there? Bam! Sarcasm!).  The gun ownership and control issue is a subset of a larger libertarian ideal.  Folks like Ted Nugent and the Tea Party speak passionately for their vision of a perfect country. A perfect country of small government and large men. Large men with guns. Lots and lots of guns.

What, I wondered, would such a land look like and does such exist today?

Surprisingly I found that such a place does indeed exist, and this conservative libertarian utopia didn’t take long to find either.  Frankly I’m shocked, shocked that such a land of freedom and opportunity is still on the market. 

Where did I find such a paradise?

Why, on Craigslist, of course:


Avoid scams and fraud by dealing locally! Beware any deal involving Western Union, Moneygram, wire transfer, cashier check, money order, shipping, escrow, or any promise of transaction protection/certification/guarantee

Libertarian Paradise! – $200

Date: 2011-05-03, 8:17PM AKDT
Reply to: sale-nuge-catscratchfever@craigslist.wtf

  • Location: Motor City
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Now you too can own your very own slice of heaven!

Beautiful ocean front property, priced to sell. A truly unique fixer-upper opportunity for the liberty-lovin’ gun-nut who is handy with a few basic tools. 


Small (practically nonexistent) Government: Never be bothered by government again. Extremely limited central authority. Hate  politicians? You’ll never see one.  Hate those pesky bureaucrats always telling you what to do? Never again!  Can stand those over-educated elitists? That’s not a problem here.  This property features absolutely no entitlement programs whatsoever. None. No government run retirement, no socialized medicine, no welfare, no handouts, no bailouts, AND NO TAXES!

Fortified Borders:  No illegal aliens, in fact, no immigration of any kind! Why put up with filthy foreign invaders when you don’t have to?  This property comes with comprehensive border security including concertina wire and mine fields.

Pure Capitalism:  No socialist nonsense here. No Fed.  No Wall Street. No minimum wage. No labor laws (including child labor laws). No worker’s comp. And NO unions! Work or starve! This property features an absolutely pure hands-off old-fashioned market driven laissez-faire economy.  No safety or environmental restrictions on your manufacturing and commerce. There is no affirmative action telling you who you can hire and no political correctness telling you who you can fire.  Say and do as you please!  Take as much as you like, God will make more! Fish as much as you want. Drill for oil any damned place you feel like. Strip mine, nobody will get in your way.  EPA? Never heard of it! Pollute!  Waste! Get Rich! Take what’s yours, seize the moment. Because, really, don’t you deserve it?

Morality! This property comes with God built right in! None of that silly separation of church and state stuff you find in other countries. No pandering to other, inferior, beliefs.  No godless evolution! No global climate change! No radio carbon dating! And even though this property is less than 6000 years old the owners have made numerous upgrades since the Great Deluge!

No Coddling of Criminals: No liberal judges legislating from the bench here. No tax dollars spent on country clubs for criminals or “rehabilitation.”  Murder? It’s the death sentence. Theft? Death! Infidelity? Death! Parking violation? Death!  And no waiting around for appeal after appeal either, every citizen is judge, jury, and executioner! 

Absolutely Unrestricted Gun Ownership: Gun ownership here is not only encouraged, it’s mandatory!  A true gun owner’s paradise.  No restrictions on handguns. No restrictions on automatic weapons. No restrictions on ammo. No limits on how many guns you can own. No permits. No license for concealed or open carry. No waiting period! No background check! No registration! No age limit! If you want to own a fully operational Soviet Tank or a Stinger Missile, this property is for you!

Too many other features to name – including fully privatized education, ocean front access, private beach, free of queers, feminists, hippies, tree huggers, and those DAMNED LIBERALS!


Make me an offer! A deal this good won’t stay on the market for more than a few decades at best.  No reasonable offer refused! Will consider trade for truck (Ford only) or big screen TV. 

Don’t miss out on your very own Nugentopia! - If you lived here, you’d be living in the safest country in the world!


Call after 555-FREEDOM! Ask for Horn Of Africa Real Estate, Somalia Desk!


  1. Don't forget, a thriving enterprise sector that's the envy of the rest of the world, free-market-capitalism-hating commies that they are.

    Refor: How you wind up spelling it after a couple of tokes.

  2. Goddamnit Jim, I'm going to have to go bleach my eyeballs now. WHYYYYYYYY

  3. I think you have caught the essence of their thoughts...too bad! ;)

  4. I'd be willing to start a fund to send every body with that particular vision right on over to Somalia so they can be happy forever ... however long that might last.

    Trip would be by boat so they could meet their new neighbors on the high seas. I bet they'd like playing with pirates.

    Jim, do you do wood carving as well? How about a Sarah Palin figurehead for that ship of fools. Could be made of wormwood (triple entendre intended).

    Just send $5.00 to Third World Enterprises to sponsor your very own little Nugent head's African adventure. It's for the children, dammit.

  5. I was actually thinking, "Gee, sounds like Afghanistan," as I was reading it, but Somalia works as well.

  6. Lye. I need LYE...

    And a gun. I also need a big, manly gun.

  7. If I can put on my psychologists hat for a second. The motor city madman must have a very small dick.

  8. Old Ted talks a mean game, but when he had a chance to join his generations war, well we know what he did. We could have used a tough guy like him in my unit, there were always vacancies. Mike R

  9. Matt beat me to it: you've described Somalia to a "T," Jim. Lovely place, I don't see why libertarians don't flock to it, unless they're a little perturbed by the entrepreneurs who have cornered the kidnapping and/or murdering Americans and Europeans market. In which case, I'd have to call them hypocrites for being opposed to laissez faire free enterprise--a real capitalist would start a protection racket of his own.

  10. Thank goodness I was done with my patty melt before I got to that image...

    it burns!!

  11. Jim:

    Thanks for the laugh about a serious issue butI saw this one coming from the start.
    I've been throwing this paradise at my whacky RW acquaintances every time they blast out their "no taxes, low wages, no business regulation, free market capitalism" mantra. Drives them up the walls and causes all sorts of hemming and hawing, pack pedaling and foot shuffling.

    Sometimes I even bring up the subject just for the hell of it.

  12. Jim

    I thought this was a family site, that picture is not family friendly.

    elited - what Sarah is hunting.

  13. Somalia.

    Sounds like a nice place, maybe the sales pitch should be a small Italian village on the southern coast of Sicily.

    La mia famiglia proviene dalla Somalia. Bella.

    Then send them all to the Somalia in Africa.

  14. perfect perfection.
    of course there is a small matter of them there badass mean ass Blacks who love their guns also too and who know how to used them. aside from that tiny issue it's a heaven on earth. LOL.

  15. off topic (just a tad, though!)

    I just noticed your new header, "Stonekettle Station's Greatest Hits (now updated with vampires who sparkle!). I protest! What about "Strobe Light Vampires with Added Kipper Breath"? Are they not included? That's discrimination! Smelly fish gnoshing fictional characters need attention, too! also, then. I think I need to back off the coffee a bit. never mind.

    p.s. you and ShopKat rock. I salute you and your stunning (glorious, enchanting,mesmerizing) wordsmithing and woodworking.

    On topic-these idiots were obviously out back smoking cigarettes and copying homework when intelligence was being distributed. And The Nuge (why do I always confuse Nugent with Nudist?) is their King.

  16. Nick from the O.C.May 4, 2011 at 5:54 PM

    Damn Yankees!

    Seriously, though. The Nuge has been a caricature of his former self for years. His Brand is still valuable and, like The Donald, he'll pander to his "fans" in order to cash-in. And much like Ms. Palin, as well, come to think of it.

    It's America, baby!

  17. Jim, you hit the nail on the head again. You're much to great a carpenter for me to compete! Also too, the rad photo of the Alaskan Sweatheart makes me drool, or it may be simply old age, I don't know. Yes I do know, it is old age and I drool uncontrollably. Keep up the good work, and dial in that telescopic site, we may need it against the Nuges.

  18. But if they all moved there, that would negate selling point #2: No immigration.

    I knew there was a catch.

  19. You wouldn't BELIEVE the fishing over there. On my last fishing trip off the coast of Somalia, I landed me an oil tanker.

    Dr. Phil

  20. Nicely done. I was actually working at the Pittsburgh convention center for this heavily armed pander-fest and ended up having to hear Ted and his rambling, paranoid manifesto. Turns out he also opposes sick days and health care for the obese - true story!

  21. A true Libertarian would not want God built right in.....

  22. ...nor would a true Libertarian give a damn about someone's sexual preference...

  23. I guessed Somalia right at the start - & NO I would NOT want to live there or even visit.

    Well written though. Great post.

  24. Spot on funnyand well said. Loved this - thanks. I've have just mentioned & linked to this now in a comment (awaiting moderation) on the Bad Astronomy blog (thread "THIS is why we invest in science. This." posted by the BA March 21st, 2012 12:00 PM my comment currently being #58 if you're interested.


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