Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Technical Woes

I am a technophile, I love blinking lights and cool black plastic and shiny stainless steel gadgets. I buy them not because I need them, but because I deserve them. But I am not a patient man, and I tend to violence as the first option, not the last. There are days when I have the almost overwhelming urge to smash electronic things into tiny pieces, pour gasoline over the mess and light it on fire, and then dance naked around the resulting bonfire howling at the moon. Would that make things better? Maybe not, but it sure as hell would teach technology who is boss, now wouldn't it?

I took some photos using my cell phone camera yesterday, and this morning I wanted to download them to my laptop. I've done this a hundred times and never had a bit of trouble - as long as the Sony Clie sync manager was shut down. This morning when I started the phone sync software it informed me that Motorola had an upgrade available for the phone tools package. Hey, I'm all about upgrades (as long as it's not, you know, Vista). It may be that I hadn't had enough coffee yet this morning to be making intelligent software decisions, I don't know. So I clicked "upgrade." Argh! Stupid Stupid Stupid (if you're picturing me banging my head on the desk, you've got the right image). 30 friggin' megs? Hey, Motorola! How about a heads up on file size before you start the download? That would be nice, you dipshits. Anyway 30megs later, then a full reinstall, then the software has to initialize with the phone. You see where this is going right? The stinkin' software wouldn't talk to the phone, in fact it crashed my laptop, which has never happened before. Bastards.

Reboot, re-initialization, this time I've got communications. Everything finally looks good, but now the pictures don't show up on the laptop. More fooling around (in the middle of all of this, I have to stop and take the kid to school because it's band day and he can't take his big honkin' horn on the bus for some reason). Finally I can see the pictures, but every time I start the transfer, the phone drops sync. Argh! Man, this is pissing me off.

I have advanced degrees in computer science. I have thirty years experience with computers and advanced digital communication systems of every type, and I'm certified in 6 computer languages by the ACM. I have the A+ certification. I have both the MCSE+I and MCSD certification (yeah, yeah, I was picking on computer geeks yesterday, so what? I'm qualified to do so). Additionally I have twenty years experience in Information Warfare under extreme circumstances and in the R&D environment. You'd think I could transfer 6 lousy pictures from my phone to my laptop.

Goddamn, shoddy programming pisses me off. Attention Motorola, get your shit together! This is not optional, you have extremely competitive competition. Don't make me go somewhere else, because I will. I don't want to download juvenile ringtones, I don't give a shit about Gucci cool screen savers for my phone, I just want to download my Goddammed pictures. Remember yesterday, when I mentioned roof, rifle, and Catcher in the Rye? I don't miss, just so you know. Think about it.

And Steve? I don't want to hear about Apple products at the moment. Gloat in private, please. And wipe that smirk off your face.

Legal disclaimer: The above is NOT a real threat to anybody. It's a snarky rant. My wife wouldn't let me shoot anybody, including the feral cat that keeps killing the spruce grouse in my back yard. You're safe, but for the love of God, fix your stupid software, please.


  1. This ain't no smirk, Chief, this be a goofy grin. There's a difference. And it's only because I see someone beating their phone against the computer box cussing like a sailor until it's only little-bitty black-plastic parts. I don't know why I'd have that in my head.

  2. In honor of "Talk Like a Pirate Day," I was hoping for a Robert de Niro quote from Stardust.


    I'm having trouble with my router today, so the whole technology trouble thing may be contagious. I'm sure I caught it from Stonekettle Station, so I'm thinking I'm clicking through too often. As opposed to, you know, doing the work for which I'm paid.

    Stupid Karma.

  3. And it's only because I see someone beating their phone against the computer box cussing like a sailor until it's only little-bitty black-plastic parts.

    Right, but what about the dancing naked part, do you have that in your head?

    Janiece, you may very well have caught the techno-woes from me.

    I'm not having a lot of luck this morning. It may be the ZEN software interfering with the USB port. Frankly I'm just not all that motivated to fix it at the moment, think I'll fall back and regroup in the woodshop for a while. Those machines always love me.


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