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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Ten Reasons Why The Rapture Didn’t Happen

Well, that figures.

No Rapture.

Jesus is scheduled to work, what? one lousy day in 2,000 years ... and he couldn’t make it in?   I guess he went fishing.  Frankly, this guy gives carpenters a bad name.

So now what?

Are we going to Rapture or not?

Do we reschedule?

Its there a backup date?

Honestly, you’d think what with email and the internet and 24/7 news and megachurch pastors with a direct line to God there’d be better communication on this, after all look how much salvation costs each month.  Is there a money back guarantee? Has anybody lodged a complaint with the Better Business Bureau?

If we are going to reschedule, I’d like to mention that next weekend is not good for me, Rapture wise, I’ve got an Ultimate Paintball match against Zombie space aliens at Area 51 with Big Foot and Amelia Earhart (What? You don’t believe in Amelia Earhart? Ooookay. But Rapture, flying naked up into space with Jesus, you’re good with that? Right. No. No. I totally respect your beliefs. Totally).

Frankly, I’m shocked, shocked I tell you, that the Rapture didn’t happen. 

Harold Camping seemed so sure – not at all like a doddering crazy old coot high on sugar-free pudding and Alzheimer’s medication.  I mean, sure, all those other prophets were wrong, but Harold, boy, I really thought he might be the one. 

So, how could this be? How could Rapture not happen? There must be a reason.

 

As you might guess, I have a few ideas.

 

Here’s ten possible reasons why God didn’t call the faithful home last night:

1. Turns out God finds smug born-again evangelicals as just about as irritating as the rest of us and doesn’t want them stinking up his house either.

2. It did happen, but it turns out nobody qualified for Rapture.  Heaven is all ready. Big banners, “Grand Opening! Welcome Saved– thanks for a lifetime of not being a selfish dick and for doing what Jesus actually said.”  Staff all turned out in bright shining white coats.  Granite polished.  Fresh coffee. Harps playing. And nobody shows up. Turns out they had a shitty business model. Did you know that nine out of ten new businesses fail in the first year? Bummer.

3. TSA wouldn’t let naked people through security screening. “Look pal, I don’t care if you are travelling with Jesus, you cover that thing up right now or I’m putting you on the no-Rapture-fly list.”

4. Jesus overslept.  “What? 2:30? In the afternoon. Fuck! Worse hangover EVAH! Whose idea was it, doing Rapture on a Saturday anyway?”

5. Daylight savings time.  The Rapture will go on as scheduled – it’s just going to be an hour later is all.

6. Jesus is a jerk – he’s like Lucy and the football.  “This friggin’ kills me! Watch, no matter how many times I pull this gag, they still don’t get it! Watch, watch.  Haaaaaaarollllddd, Rapture is now scheduled for 2:15AM, November 2nd…  Ha Ha! Look at ‘em go! Like little ants!”

7. What God actually said was, “I may end the world on the 21st, if you assholes don’t start behaving. Don’t make me pull this car over, because I will, I mean it this time.”

8. It happened, but only married Gay people got to go. The Rapture was small, but it was fabulous!

9. Turns out Heaven is a place where nobody works, everybody is equal, you don’t need money, food’s free, and nobody gets sick. It’s a socialist hell! The Rapture is on hold until it can be privatized.  You’ll be issued a voucher which can be redeemed for redemption at a later date.

and

10. Harold Camping used Creationism Math.  “Let’s see, take (((The Great Deluge) x (The Crucifixion) – (burning bush)) Jesus /  (Jews) + the Square Root(Valley of Death)) / (Leap Year x 7000)… Satan cancels out … carry the 1 … should equal May 21st, 2011!  Wait, what the hell, no rapture?  Oh maaaaan, Goddamnit! The Jews are supposed to be negative. Crap. How about giving me a fucking sign here, Jesus!

 

Bottom line: What have we learned, Children?

Right, never listen to crazy people who tell you the world is going to end if you don’t send them money.

Save your money.

So, you can buy my book about how the Mayans were totally right about 2012.

 

 


Previous Post: Ten Reasons Why Doomsday Will Be Awesome!

51 comments:

  1. *falls over laughing*

    You're so not good for me.

    But like chocolate and bacon and tequila, I love you anyway.

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  2. Well, that explains it - that's my ingredient list.

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  3. Ooops. Forgot coffee. Sorry.

    Chocolate, bacon, tequila, and coffee.

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  4. Casual Fridays throw everybody's schedule off.

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  5. What? You're ba-con with my WIFE? Bad Jimmy. No rapture cookies for you.

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  6. I know, Mike, I know. It seems so...Republican, doesn't it?

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  7. Well, if the daylight saving time theory is wright...Atlanta will be ruptured in a minute...

    Wait for it, wait for it...nope, nothing happening here at this moment in time! Time to fix supper.

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  8. Daylight Savings! Man, you're right. God don't like people messin' with his time zones. That's what it was. It has to be that!

    Man, you have got some really great ideas, here. I'm gonna totally listen to you from now on! Really, man, thanks a lot!

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  9. 8. It happened, but only married Gay people got to go. The Rapture was small, but it was fabulous!

    ROTF drooling!

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  10. My Rapture celebration is going forward this evening anyway.

    Next, I prepare for an Armageddon party.

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  11. What choo talkin about Willis? Rapture already happened. This is it, we all made it. If you don't believe me I can verify that I am naked underneath all my clothes, and while I was drinking my tea and sampling a homemade chocolate chip cookie I felt like I was floating, just a bit.

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  12. Hahahaha I LOVE THIS!! You need a "share" button for FB by the way.

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  13. LMAO!!!!

    That's all I've got. Anything else and I'd reveal the fact that I'm humor impaired.

    But you definitely gave the belly laugh muscles their workout for today.

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  14. This video was almost like your post from yesterday http://stupidevilbastard.com/2011/05/and-we-had-such-high-hopes-too/

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  15. Damn that was hilarious. #3 brought tears of laughter to my eyes. Thanks for a good belly laugh!

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  16. Wait, how do you know the Rapture didn't happen today? Who would notice if the only five people in the world who actually follow the teachings of Jesus Christ suddenly went shooting off into the sky like rockets?

    I mean, c'mon. We're all heathen here, so of course we wouldn't be raptured. And the fetus fetishists who believe in the right to life until after the kid is born (at which point it's, "tough luck if you're born poor or sick kid, just die, already"), now you know they wouldn't get raptured. So who's left?

    Now, I suppose you could say that the time of tribulation and horror has not begun. But you already answered that question, yo!

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  17. =heh= Associated Press is reporting that Harold Camping and his family are not to be found.

    Maybe they really did get Raptured. I doubt we'll miss them.

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  18. I've had a few good belly laughs over this like most sane people. At risk of being a buzz kill, I feel an almost overwhelming sadness for the kids of these assholes, that sold their houses, euthanized their pets and in general behaved like morons. Just sayin'

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  19. @Autumn in Jeans: social networking share buttons are on the bottom of each post, right above the voting checkboxes - there's one for facebook.

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  20. *sigh* I confess I'm sorry to see this day come to a Rapture-free end. I don't know when I've had this much harmless enjoyment, poking fun at Teh Stupid. I mean, how many fat, easy, slow-moving targets can we reasonably expect for this kind of fun?

    Oh yeah, huh. The Republican presidential wannabes. I almost forgot! Post-Rapture depression averted!

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  21. It was AMAZING! I was on my way to Damascus to do a bit of last minute soul saving. I had given away my watch along with the rest of my worldly possesions (eye of the needle and all) so I was unaware of the time, when suddenly I was overcome by a blinding light! The Periodic Table of elements appeared to me and I knew, I KNEW the truth! No more irrational nonsense for me! I now am a born again reasoner! Praise the universe, free at last, free at last!

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  22. I saw Harold Camping assending to the heavens! He was laughing and looked very happy. He was in a glass elevator at a bank.

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  23. Nope, clad in a high thread count cloak of many lies; as usual.

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  24. I don't think I'd want a bunch of overweight naked people messing up my clean house, either. They'd be so excited they'd pee on the carpet, and Sanctimonious Urine is sooo hard to get out and the smell lasts FOREVER.

    Just think-all those people that quit their jobs, gave away or sold all their possessions, spent every dime they had and charged more are going to have to depend on handouts from the government and us Unwashed Heathens to survive.

    Is Walmart having an "After The Rapture" sale?

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  25. Stupid to predict when the earth will end, only God knows when LOL. I am still alive and enjoying my life.

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  26. 11) Jesus is fucking with us all. He knew Harold was going to pick that date and time and get all this attention. I mean shit, the old man knows everything doesn't he? Maybe he's laughing his ass off while planning to drop in on next Tuesday without anybody knowing, just like it says in the Bible.

    Ha! my word verification to comment is, siirprze
    Jesus definitly planned that!

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  27. I already knew that God loves a good practical joke so I just know he was sitting on a cloud watching the fools down below with a few of his buds and lots of popcorn....digging Michael with his elbow - "check it out! I told you they would fall for it hook, like and sinker!"

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  28. I hate to prove you wrong on at least one point, but I must rebut your #8 hypothesis. This married gay guy didn't go. Neither did his spouse. (Thank God - we got yard work.) But I laughed so hard I levitated a bit, does that count? :)

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  29. I love you. You bring me true giggles.

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  30. oops sorry i forgot to do my home work mr camping said the world was gonna ed

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  31. what?
    we have so been raptured. i am here you guys are here so we alright. we be in our heaven here on earth. our beautiful paradise 'cept for all them Goddamned assholes who still didn't drop dead and die.

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  32. There's a pretty funny film that addresses this "end of the world" neurosis, it's called "Take Me 2012":
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wn1ecbC6EwM

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  33. Wow, I didnt believe the rapture was going to happen, because I am a christian, (obviously unlike YOU) and no one, not even jesus can tell when God is coming, but I really feel sorry for you when it does come you poor clueless fool.

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  34. Perhaps Harold and his family were raptures to a tax-free, non-extraditable island in the Caymans.

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  35. anonymous@02:11 You're hitting on me, arent' you?

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  36. Wait a minute anonymous @2:11

    It's Jesus coming, the old man never said he was coming back. I'm pretty sure he finished his gig with Abraham a long time ago.

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  37. I'm pretty sure I saw Jesus cutting my lawn yesterday afternoon. He had brown skin and curly black hair and everything. Just like that Jew in ancient Palestine.

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  38. The Mayan "End of Time" thing isn't going to happen. It is set for the 21st of December 2012. That is 4 days before Jesus' birthday. Dad isn't gonna prank with the kids big party.
    And there is no doubt God has a sense of humor He created aardvarks, anteaters, and Donald Trump [well may not Donald] and to prove it he left us the up coming election cycle with the Republicans doing a cluster _____ trying to figure out who is the least biggest loser so they can have a candidate for president.
    I have faith, Jim, will guide us through the twists and turns of the up coming political dog and pony show just like he did through the recent Rapture Clown Convention.

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  39. Great stuff, gotta link you. one of the best top tens I ever read.

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  40. Came across your blog via friend of mine. I'm rather fond of this particular reason. Link goes to a DW post with a graphic.

    http://lithiumdoll.dreamwidth.org/637176.html

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  41. http://www.globalpost.com/dispatch/news/offbeat/110523/rapture-judgment-day-south-africa-johannesburg-hotel-bill

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  42. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/rapture

    Explains the failure.

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  43. I don't think I'd want a bunch of overweight naked people messing up my clean house, either. They'd be so excited they'd pee on the carpet, and Sanctimonious Urine is sooo hard to get out and the smell lasts FOREVER.

    Kerry, if that ever does happen, try Nature's Miracle. It gets everything out. It truly is a Miracle!

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  44. Carol Elaine-I use Nature's Miracle myself-I had four large dogs, one of whom was incontinent (two are still with us). Great stuff, but I think the Holy Roller Urine is kind of like battery acid (their attitude is certainly caustic). And when you consider how old Heaven must be, it'll be impossible to get a carpet sample to match the hole burned by the Rapturees. However, I would enjoy rubbing their noses in the mess and tossing them outside.

    Sigh. I was really hoping to have fewer idiots to deal with at work today. Rats.

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  45. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  46. HA!
    My favorite quote, as reported by my sister; her son (who likes boys better than girls), shuffled into her kitchen Sunday morning and muttered " are they gone yet?"
    God help us. Please? Why have you forsaken us???? Take them!

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  47. yet another reason there was no raputre

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  48. #8 might actually have some merit.

    John's Apocalypse (sort of) states that only 144,000 men who have never been with a woman are going to make it to heaven.

    So gay marriedf dudes would be a small, elite, and fabulous heaven crew...

    Thanks for this. It made me laugh...

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  49. On #8- I was actually at a gay wedding on the 21st. Unfortunately, they're gay so they didn't get Raptured (plus, it's not technically legal in PA yet, so that might also count against them.)

    Amusingly, my brother was the Best Man & he made a Rapture joke during his speech. Just as he said it, I noticed our Mom was nowhere to be found (who is Catholic so unlikely to be Raptured but if anyone deserved a ride to Heaven on the Jesus Express, it's her just for putting up with me & my siblings).Alas, she is still stuck with us.

    Inaled- when you are lacking in fermented hops-based beverages

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  50. Haroldtards:
    Followers and believers in Harold Camping’s prophecy’s.

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