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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ten Reasons Why Doomsday Will Be Awesome!

This is it folks.

Doomsday. Judgment Day.  The End Times. Going out of Business.

We’ve got about 48 hours before the shit hits the fan.

It will begin with the faithful suddenly shooting up into the sky like fleshy little bottle rockets, whooooosh! called Home in a divine act of rapturous levitation. After the Saved arrive in Heaven, the gates will be locked and no more souls will be admitted. Ever. Then Zuul Jesus will descend upon the Earth to wage unrestricted Armageddon on the Left Behind in the Final Battle (this is apparently just out of sadistic cussedness since by definition the Left Behind are damned anyway no matter what happens at this point, Heaven being a private party and all) and five or maybe six months later the Big Guy will pull the plug and turn off the lights.

There’s a few questions about the precise order of events and some rather specific logical fallacies, but this charming scenario is believed, more or less, by one hell of a lot of people and none more so than by followers of Christian radio and one Harold Camping – who predicts that The Rapture will begin precisely at 6PM in New Zealand this coming Saturday (the evening of May 21st, which, as I’m sure you all know is the 7000th anniversary of the Great Flood.  Which reminds me, does anybody know if Hallmark has a card for that? I’m sorry to hear about the death of every member of the vile human race except for you and the seven members of your immediate family, good luck with the inbreeding).

We know without any shadow of a doubt it is going to happen," said the 94 year old Camping. He’s been broadcasting this message for years on Family Radio, a Christian network owned by Camping and broadcast domestically and internationally to 140 countries and in more than 30 languages.   In the last few months, as May 21st draws ever closer, his predictions have reached a fevered pitch.  Now, any other old geezer starts spouting pudding fuelled gibberish and the nurses will double up on his meds and hide his TV remote just to screw with him, but you throw in God and suddenly people are nodding their heads.  End Times, ooooohhhh, yes, yes tell us more, wise man. Believers have sent Camping millions since he started this song and dance routine – you know, back in the 90’s when he predicted the earth would end in September of 1994 (note that it didn’t, however the Happy Campers remain undeterred).  Camping’s supporters have posted more than 2,200 billboards around the US, and a bunch of them are driving across the country in a convoy of RV’s like some kind of Crazy Train of Jesus spreading The Word of the coming apocalypse – which this time is absolutely going to happen. Absolutely. It’s not like Prophet Harold could be wrong twice.  A disturbingly large number of these people have abandoned their families, given up their possessions (one chowderhead spent his entire life savings, $140,000, putting up signs in NYC telling people about Camping’s prediction), incurred huge debts that they don’t think they’ll have to pay off, and fully expect to meet Jesus personally this coming weekend.

I’ve encountered a few of these folks. 

A couple came to my door a while back.  A man and woman, presumably husband and wife, with strange vacant expressions, glazed eyes, and knowing little smiles. Frankly, they looked like victims of a botched lobotomy … or maybe a bad bag of weed. When I opened the door they began burbling enthusiastically about the coming apocalypse and waved a glossy tract with what I can only presume was either a picture of Harold Camping or one of those desiccated beef-jerky like mummies they’ve been finding in the Andes.  I stood there in amazement for a minute, the way you would if your shrubs spontaneously burst into flame and started speaking in Charlton Heston’s voice, while they built up steam.  I was stunned that any adult capable of standing erect and dressing themselves could buy into such ridiculous hocus pocus. When they hit the part about people suddenly flying naked up into space I sent them packing. I was obnoxious about it, but not nearly as obnoxious as I would have liked (seriously, people suddenly flying up into space? Where is Heaven, exactly? Low Earth orbit? Near the Moon? Do you need to bring a lunch for the trip? How about an oxygen mask?).  My wife chewed me out for being rude and she was right, but I just cannot abide these people.  I don’t respect their beliefs and I’m not going to pretend that I do.

I’d have no problem if they’d just leave the rest of us alone, but they just can’t seem to do that.  And when they thrust their goofy bullshit into my face, into my house, well, I get irritable. 

These people have nobody to blame but themselves for what happens next.

I’m looking forward to this.

I really am. 

And not for the Sunday morning schadenfreude either – well, OK, not just for the schadenfreude.

 

See, here’s what we do

- Buy a couple of those blow-up dolls (unless, of course, you already have a couple, as a joke, for bachelor parties and shit. Sure. Nobody is judging you. Loser). Fill them with helium. Saturday evening about 6PM, let them go.  From a couple of hundred feet, who will be able to tell vinyl from the Saved? See how many people you can get to jump off the ledge. Fly! Fly! Be free!  Or alternatively, fill the inflate-A-date with hydrogen, attach a fuse, let them go, exploding rapture! Oh God, the humanity!

- Saturday night, leave notes on doors, Dear Saved Damned Soul, we waited for over an hour, where were you? - God

- Nobody post anything on Sunday morning.  Stay inside with the lights off – or better yet sneak outside, start your car and leave it running with the sunroof open and the radio tuned to the Gospel Channel.  Arrange a couple of suits of empty clothing on the front lawn.  Don’t answer your phone.  All the believers will think they got left behind. Then, about noon or so, right about the time despair is setting in, we’ll all jump out and yell Surprise!

- Dress up as Jesus. On Sunday morning, knock on Harold Camping’s door and explain why he won’t be joining the others in Heaven. Then kick his ass*.

 

Of course, my plan presumes that Harold is wrong.

What if he’s right?

What if the Rapture really is this Saturday evening?

Won’t I feel stupid? 

Hell no I won’t feel stupid. Because that’s even better. That would be great.  Don’t fear the reaper, kids.  Here’s ten reasons why Doomsday will be awesome:

1) Hell Finally Freezes Over: I.e. if the world ends now, the Cleveland Indians go out on a winning streak!

2)  Free Shit:  I call dibs on Kirk Cameron’s house, let’s go see if he left behind any cool Growing Pains memorabilia.  Also, you find a car with a Jesus Fish on it, it’s yours – of course you’ll have to peel off the Bush/Cheney stickers, but what the heck, right?

3) Rapture Balloons:   Get yourself some stout string. Cut it into six-foot lengths.  Make a slip knot on one end.  As soon as you see somebody starting to lift off, slip the loop around their ankle and hook the other end to something heavy.  Rapture balloon.  Collect the whole set.

4) Free Space Program: Lash a bunch of Rapture Balloons together like a raft.  Add cargo.  What? They’re going right past the International Space Station anyway, it’s not like it’s out of the way.

5) Funniest Home Videos:  You’ve got to expect that a bunch of screaming naked people getting sucked up into space is going to be pretty damned hysterical.  Word of advice though, try not to stand underneath them – seagulls are bad enough, just saying, and you know, a lot of these people are afraid of heights.

6) Mini Golf:  By definition everybody left behind is damned.  Heaven is closed. Period.  Not much point in keeping all those churches then, is there?  That’s a lot of prime real estate.  What do we do with it? Mini Golf. Jesus loves the Giant Windmill, just saying.

7) Equality for all:  Monday morning we’ll be issuing all the gay marriage licenses you like.  No bitching. No bullshit. Be happy and congratulations.

8) Improved Education: We can finally teach biology in school without interruption. 

9) Skeet Shooting:  Yes, that’s right, skeet shooting.  I live on a hill. I’ve got a shotgun and a couple of cases of buckshot.  All I need is a lawn-chair and a cooler of beer.  The rest of Saturday should pretty much take care of itself.   What? It’s not like you can hurt them, they’re saved right? Send up another Rapture Balloon!

and finally,

10) Fewer Selfish Assholes. Less crowed highways. There’ll be a bunch of job openings. Less trolls on the Science forums.  You can sleep in on the weekends without some Evangelical Rapture Monkey banging on your door at 8Am to sell you The Jesus. 

Oh, and best of all?

With all the pious godly people all gone up to the Holy Ghost’s house and out of the way, we should have enough extra money and resources to finally feed the hungry, clothe the poor, and heal the sick without having to hear about socialism, communism, Nazis or how lazy people make Jesus cry.

 

 

Follow up post: Ten Reasons Why The Rapture Didn’t Happen

 


* No, I’m not really suggesting anybody go kick a 94 year old man’s ass.  However, should Jesus actually show up and decide to bitch-slap this idiot, I’ll hold his robe.

 

Notice of Compliance: In accordance with the sarcasm provisions of the Patriot Act, International Agreement, and the Ancient Code of The Internet (to whose patron, Saint Don Rickles, all bloggers must pay homage), Stonekettle Station is required by law and custom to publically ridicule, make light of, heckle, mock, and otherwise poke fun at any and all predications of the imminent Return of Jesus, The End Times, Judgment Day, Doomsday, and/or Armageddon due to Rapture, Rupture, or Raptors. Also, zombies.

71 comments:

  1. I don't know why people don't believe this is going to happen. Clearly it is. Because 5 x 5 x 10 x 10 x 17. (Seriously, that's the guy's logic.)

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  2. Oh, wait, I forgot a x 17. Maybe that's the mistake he made in 1994, too. It's 5 x 5 x 10 x 10 x 17 x 17.

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  3. I really like the H inflated doll but we'll be at the in-laws. Could you do it and post a video...unless you're busy skeet shooting of course.

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  4. *kersnorfling mightily*

    Jim... oh Jim... :) You're my hero. And I'm linking this post EVERYWHERE.

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  5. One of my co-workers has two Judgement Day bumper stickers on his car. I offered him $1000 for his house. He didn't take me up on the offer even though I told him he could keep living there until May 22nd. He's been on vacation for the last month. He's used all his vacation days for the year. i wonder if he's going to show up for work next week.

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  6. I will be out looking for a Bentley, and I'm going to squat in Jerry Pervert's house, redecorate using his credit cards and then sell it. Because we all know he'll be second in line behind Camping (or third? Billy? Are you coming?), right? I already know MY ass ain't goin'.
    I take the Lord's name in vain too much, and I will consider it a reward if He removes all the religious zits from the Earth's backside.

    Does the Space Station have laser cannons? After the Rapture payload is delivered, you don't want a lot of
    useless bodies cluttering up your view. And you don't get many opportunities for target practice. The
    Raptured won't be needing their Earthly vessels anymore, so might as well get some use out of them.

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  7. Less trolls on the Science forums.

    Walter will still be around to bug the shit out of you. You just can't get a break!

    :D

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  8. *Snort* When the soon-to-be-raptured (not counting the gullible idiots), actually get rid of their life insurance, car insurance, health insurance, home owner's insurance, sell all their worldly possessions and sit down naked on their front lawn...then and only then will I believe that they believe.

    Plus - one of the biggest problems I have with these predictions (and I've seen quite a few in the mere 40 years I've been alive), is that while they love to quote scripture, they're pretty frickin' selective about it. Specifically, they un-select the part about no one knowing the day, and being wary of false dipshi...er...prophets looking to empty your bank account.

    See, that's the point. You're supposed to be prepared WITHOUT WARNING - Bibles really are so much more useful if you read them instead of just thump them.

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  9. I'm publishing a new bank account and routing number so anyone of my friends or family who feel confident of their flight to freedom can wire transfer what they have left of money into my account to make my cursed end times a little more comfortable.
    If they really love me, they'll want to do it.

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  10. Regarding your first point about the awesomeness of Doomsday... in addition to the Indians having a winning streak, the Cubs will FINALLY win the World Series! Go Cubs, go!

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  11. Jim, I've got tears streaming down my face. This has to be the funniest thing I've read in a while. Thanks for the good laugh.

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  12. With all this planning for the end of time I have scrapped my to do list, punched my boss in the face, hunted down and snarled at all the women who rejected me in my life and given away all my worldly possessions. Now what to do with my afternoon?

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  13. I love you! If I was not 27 years happy with the man I am with and if you were not straight...
    Anyway, how you write and what you say always makes me smile, agree and just feel good! Nice to know not ALL Americans (and humans) are idiots!
    Just a quick comment on the "Rapture", as a former Christian, former student of Religion and the ministry, I can tell you that if you believe in the bible you do NOT believe in the Rapture! It is NOT biblically founded and is complete stupidity!

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  14. I think Harold's only 89, BTW. I see another fellow sinner has contemplated Pascal's Wager and decided to double down on Black 13 instead of covering the spread.

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  15. I second Tristan - this whole Rapture scam was invented by Darby in the 19th century, has no basis in Scripture, and is far from exact, because it's full of "fudge factors".

    When I was in high school, Hal Lindsey said the Rapture was going to happen in 1981.

    Oops.

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  16. Best line: "8) Improved Education: We can finally teach biology in school without interruption."

    Ain't that the truth.

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  17. Doomsday Will Be Anticlimactic.

    If the rapture really does happen tomorrow, there are going to be perhaps three people sucked off this mortal coil, followed by a booming voice yelling, "You weren't paying attention! Oh, and you might want to take a detour; a driver-less semi just wiped out across all four lanes past Exit 135. My bad."

    Saying the Rosary isn't a weekly get-out-of-hell-free card. When charity gets turned into 'let the geezers pull themselves up by their bootstraps,' thou shalt not kill morphs into 'let's kill 'em all,' I think they've missed the message in that book Christians keep waving about. You don't get to claim to love thy enemy when you call for them to be strapped to a board, a sack pulled over their heads & water poured on 'til they tell you that you did, in fact, make the best deviled eggs at the church pot luck.

    No, if God is coming, it won't be to suck millions of so-called Christians out into the ether. However, if there is an advanced, interstellar alien species with a really twisted sense of humor, tomorrow would be perfect timing. "Are you God, and did those people go to Heaven?" "No, we're the zbrkth, and those people went into a vacuum."

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  18. As said by Alesia above, I am sending this to all I know for their enjoyment.

    Great! Thanks for the belly laughs.

    JaneE

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  19. If only for the "Improved education", there's a part of me that would really like to see this happen.

    My only concern is that my in-laws, who may or may not believe, are watching my 2-year-old daughter. I can see them either trying to take her with them (she's not baptized so likely isn't "saved") which makes me concerned about them dropping her from a great height when told they couldn't take her, or leaving her unsupervised until we arrive Sunday morning.

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  20. I remember the 1981 rapture "scare". I was in high school in Ga. and was floored by how many kids worked themselves up into a tizzy absolutely believing that God was coming to get them that day. Funny thing was, they all seemed real upset by it, except for the fact that they used it as an excuse to not do their geometry homework - oops. If they were so certain of their righteousness, why were they so scared?

    I almost want to see the rapture happen, just to see the look on the faces of those so certain of their Christianity as they get left behind while those they were so certain were damned get a free ride to heaven.

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  21. I've been following your blog for a couple of years and I knew you would be all over this rapture crap. Thanks for never disappointing me, unlike most the saved schmucks I know. As always, on point, on target and funny as hell.

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  22. Fewer, Jim. It's "fewer" trolls and "fewer" crowded highways.

    (insert smug face of doom where applicable).

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  23. When Camping is wrong, again, maybe this time around he’ll remember that he forgot to divide by ∞.

    Very funny post. I very much like the helium blow up dolls. If I had a few dollars to waste, I'd be heading to the party store and googling locations for all the fundie churches in the area. Unfortunately, in Virginia, I'd go broke and be left behind with a large MasterCard bill for my impudence. Still, it is tempting.

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  24. I must say, cole slaw makes an interesting pattern on a monitor.

    Jim, as always...spot on!

    See you on Monday.

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  25. LOL. Thanks Jim. I needed that.

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  26. I'm especially looking forward to your points 7 and 8. Oh, and of course 10.

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  27. When God comes.".. I wasn't aware He'd left. That's me always the last to know.
    OK, so I just gave the url for this blog to a Swiss friend of mine who is having trouble making sense of America and our politics etc.
    I don't understand America or our politics, so I figured why should anyone else.

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  28. LATE BREAKING NEWS...The Aztecs have filed an injunction against the Rapture claiming they published their predictions first...

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  29. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. 5-6 months isn't long enough for the Bengals to win a Super Bowl. St. Don be with you.

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  30. Too bad it's too late get a couple hundred of these sent to my home for tomorrow's festivities. http://www.rcsuperhero.com/

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  31. I love you...there...I said it.

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  32. I'm a Christian and Tristan is absolutely right. The whole rapture concept is non-biblical bunk. Sadly, it's bunk held near and dear by Christina fundies.

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  33. Thanks Man, i laughed out my sorrow.

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  34. that's it Jim. i am have got to go back to bed. i have laughed so hard i have given myself a headache.
    wonderful essay. thank you.

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  35. You don't shoot skeet with buckshot, idiot.

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  36. No buckshot. Got it. But the part about people levatating naked into space, that's totally correct, right?

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  37. The real sad thing about this is when the world continues the same as usual on May 22nd the majority of people who believe this rupture crap (yeah I said rupture) will have no problems waiting for the "real" new date to be set.

    So if Doomsday does happen who will become the Zombies? Because everyone knows that you can't have a Doomsday without Zombies.

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  38. Love that you answered anonymous, the idiot.
    Just confirms to me that you lurk silently after posting, until provoked.

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  39. Camping picked the 21st because it is the highest he can count with his shoes off and his pants down.

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  40. Laughed out loud!!!
    However, what if this was code for a massive alien abduction scenario?
    Sunday is going to be interesting with all these people making excuses and coming down on their religious fervor high into the cool light of yet another day.
    M from MD

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  41. So, the end of the world is around Halloween. Brilliant. Does this mean that everyone gets a second chance on Earth?

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  42. Oh my gosh...where have you been all my life, Stonekettle?

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  43. ...where have you been all my life

    Well, as you might guess, I wasn't hiding in the church

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  44. I once knew a guy who I'm pretty sure could shoot skeet with a .22 rifle. What do I know, though? I always thought it was a 'can you put your lead on the target?' kind of thing. I strongly imagine Jim being that kind of guy. He's the last dude I'm going to crit on his choice of weapon or ammo. If he says he's going to shoot skeet with a 105 howitzer, I'm going to say, "obkb," & stand back & watch.

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  45. Me? Now what would I know about weapons?

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  46. My son exclaimed, "This is going to be so much fun!"

    I would help out with the freaking out my neighbors with my clothes in the yard but I live in the bible belt and I am considered a heathen. This means they will think I burnt up by Jesus on the spot! LOL

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  47. Vaporized by the well-known Jesus Death Stare, no doubt

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  48. To be honest I'm looking forward to the post no rapture excuses and rationalizations. And even more looking forward to Jim's blog entry about them.
    Although I will also admit I am going to be disappointed when I wake up Sunday and all those annoying people are still sucking up more than their fair share of oxygen, but I guess we can't everything.

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  49. I've already got one boob picked out to tap on the shoulder on Monday.

    "You too, eh?"

    I'm laying odds his expression will be PRICELESS.

    wv: belve-for those of us who don't believe.

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  50. Thank you once again for posting something so funny that I was laughing out loud! I'm so happy I found your blog. Note to self: Don't read Stonekettle Station if you're ever bored at a funeral again.

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  51. Correction, bored at a funeral is the perfect place to read Stonekettle Station.

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  52. Skeet shooting!! Brilliant, I say, brilliant!!

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  53. Seeing as how almost anything is possible and I have the day off tomorrow. I'm following my neighbor with the jeebus fish on his Lexus around for awhile.

    Always a good read Jim, thanks.

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  54. OOOH MY GOD! I haven't laughed that hard in ages.. I had to stop reading out loud to my husband because I had tears running down my face!! TOO FUNNY!

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  55. You'll find me out in the dark of night spreading around some camp clothes. They're irreparably worn anyway. I'm also going to throw the dog's collar out there for good measure.

    She's the hell hound, no such luck neighbors!

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  56. This may go viral. I reposted it on FB and so did several others. You are responsible for much delighted laughter, sir.

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  57. I'm sorely tempted to greet people tomorrow with a hearty "Hello sinner!" thanks for a laugh when I needed one.

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  58. Who is going to be appointed to go turn off all of those damned automatic church chimes? Or are the chimes going with them?

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  59. "Heaven for the climate, hell for the company." -- Mark Twain

    Happy to see that if the rapture is today, I shall indeed be in fine company with my fellow heathen ;).

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  60. Great post - I love how things like the "After the Rapture Pet Care" company has sprung up. Obviously logic isn't a Rapture-ite's strong point, but since by their definition, all people left will be scumbags, they are paying scumbags to care for their pets.

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  61. For a fee, I'd be happy to look after your Farmville or MafiaWar on Facebook. Just saying.

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  62. Okay, I need to go stock up on buckshot.

    Actually, I'm thinking, maybe turkey shot.

    Just sayin'.

    (I love you, man.)

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  63. I like what Kerry said about the old "you're still here" on Monday morning, but unfortunately I don't know anyone who thinks they're going. Oh, well.
    WAIT just a second, I retract that-fortunately I don't know anyone who thinks they're going.

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  64. Not all religious ideas deserve respect, no matter how firmly held the belief. That includes the one I was born into and eventually survived.

    I came to this conclusion early, due to an encounter with overly-enthusiastic, proselytizing Baptists. Who woke the entire family up, on a Sunday morning, expecting tea and scones, and telling me that God forgives all sins. It's funny now...at the time I was ready to throw them and their bibles and their lovely suits right on the lawn! What sin were they talking about? I was Jewish, apparently a terrible transgression!

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  65. To bad there will be no such event happening, the world would be a much better place without the likes of the Palins, Bachmanns, etc. Then we could really thank God.

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  66. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

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  67. Thank you for yet another chucklefest. And thank you for your consistent correct use of "judgment." Things are so much funnier when they are correctly spelt.

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  68. You have no idea how much that missing "e" irritates me.

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  69. No more republicans. Duh, WINNING!

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