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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Mud Between Your Toes

 

Ugh.

No, listen to me, ugh, emphasis on the first syllable.

It’s the sound you make when you’ve unavoidably stepped yet again into something filthy and disgusting.

You stand there on one foot, holding an ankle, poking with a stick at the mess on the bottom of your shoe and you think, “Ugh! Goddamn, not this shit again.”

Yes, like that. Ugh.

As an American, little makes me soggy and hard to light like the thought of yet another eighteen endless months of poisoned foam, outrageous accusations, obnoxious bloviating, empty promises, bald faced lies, vicious stupidity, vacuous intellects, vainglorious hate mongering, hysterical doomsaying, enormously inflated egotism, jingoistic nationalism, Nazi tossing, terrorist juggling, staggering ignorance, shameless pandering, history washing, fact manipulating, abject graft, blatant corruption, self-righteous moralizing, shallow patriotism, drum beating, bugle blowing, baby kissing, glad handing, ass grabbing, crotch jiggling, money laundering, swift boating, intestinal parasites, cramps, gas, and bloating.

I am, of course, talking about yet another presidential election cycle.

Yes, exactly. Ugh! Goddamn, not this shit again.

Frankly, as an American, I’m about democracied out.

There’s an old saw that goes something like, “You know X would be a great place … if it wasn’t for all the X-ians!”  Substitute whatever you like for X.  The Greeks probably told this joke about Rome: you know Rome would be an awesome place – if it wasn’t for all those stupid Romans!   Americans tell this joke about the French – and everybody else tells this joke about Americans.  Me? Personally, I think Texas would be a great place…  Heh, I’m just joshing you, Texas is actually a hot desolate godforsaken tumbleweed infested shithole, Texans belong there like pointy-toed sinners in Hell, but for the sake of the narrative, just go with me on this one (I’m kidding. Kidding. You know I love you, Texas, in your own special way).  That’s sort of how I feel about democracy, it would be great if it wasn’t for all the stinkin’ democrats.  Ditto the republic, love the place, except for the all the friggin’ republicans. 

Man, nothing makes me long for the simplicity of our centuries lost monarchy like the American electoral process. 

Yes, yes, I know. I know.

With a monarchy, sooner or later, you end up with a bunch of atrophied inbred weak-chinned parasitic dolts in goofy hats. I know. But, here’s the thing, with a monarchy, at least you don’t have to put up with this ever churning campaign bullshit. In a monarchy you know who the next goofy hat wearing drooler on throne is going to be.  There’s no real question, there’s the Heir and there’s the Spare.  The old guy dies, everybody gets out their goofy hat, there’s a big party, you crown the new guy and everybody else moves up a notch on the royal waiting list. There’s tea and some tasty scones. There’s politely restrained conversation. They adjourn to the pub. Everybody gets laid. Done. Life goes on pretty much as always. Simple. No surprises. No eighteen months of attack ads.

A republic? A democracy? Sure those sound good, in theory – let the people choose the best and brightest to lead them. No inbreeding, no giant hats (still seems to be plenty of drooling however).

Right.  Much better.

But, man, sometimes it’s just so goddamned painful.

As an American, the beginning of the next election cycle thrills me about as much as a chronic case of infected rectum boils.

 

As a political writer, however, well, you know, I live for this shit.

 

Unfortunately, so far this pre-election season is pretty lame.

Frankly I was really hoping for some fun candidates.  You know, a couple of genuinely crazy types, some religious extremists, and maybe one complete moron.  I don't think it’s too much to ask for a few good sports, a couple of politicians willing to play along, willing to ham it up and clown around for our amusement.  Take some pratfalls, that’s what I’m talking about. You never see those royals doing that, hell no you don’t. Monarchies have no sense of humor, it’s all dignity this and dignity that. Nothing is more undignified than democracy. Democracy is the clown shoes of political systems. Like when in the last election Dennis Kucinich suddenly blurted out his belief in UFO’s (space aliens are the glory-hole of blogging material) or when that sweet little old lady accidently repeated John McCain’s racist scaremongering to his face on live TV – honestly, I can watch that clip over and over, McCain’s facial expression is priceless, I’ve never seen anybody go so pale so fast (Wave off! Wave off! Abort landing!) or, you know, pretty much any time they turned the mic on Ron Paul (I swear, that crazy doddering old bastard and his kid remind me of Statler and Waldorf, the two obnoxious asshole Muppets who used to heckler Kermit and Company from the balcony. Seriously, John Boehner, Sam the Eagle? It’s just me, right?).

We had a hell of starting line-up last time around.

So far, this election season is a big fat zero.

Trump was beaten before he even got started. I mean, honestly, politics is the ultimate reality show, you’d think this guy would have the chops to hang. The hair, the birther bit, the goatshit crazy rhetoric, the fact that he is the spitting image of Rigel, the self-centered obnoxious Frog King from Farscape

Donald Trump  

I mean, come on! Seriously  I can’t tell you how pissed I am that Trump folded up early. I could have gotten a least a dozen great blog posts out of this guy – and probably another dozen shitty ones.  If Trump was a chick, people would be calling him a cock-tease about now – they’d also be throwing up in their mouth over that mental image (hey, I’m not letting him go without a parting shot. You’re welcome).

Fast on the heels of the Trump disappointment (You know, you have to wonder how many times his ex-wives have used that exact phrase), the Huckleberry bows out. I can’t believe Hucklebone isn’t going to run. Goddamn it, that should be against the law.  What the hell is a Presidential race without The Huckster?  Hell, I could make an entire blog post doing nothing but mocking his name and it would have been hysterical (yes, I’m a child. I’d probably throw in a fart joke too, sue me).  Birther, conspiracy nut, religious loon, bigot, what’s not to heart about Huckabee? He’s the blogging mother load!

So, anyway, what have we got so far?

Gingrich?

Bah.  Where’s the fun in Gingrich? (You know, you have to wonder how many times his ex-wives have used that exact phrase), I mean, sure I’ll do him, but it’s going to feel like work (You know you have to wonder how many times… OK, Ok, I’ll stop).  Guess I’d better bookmark FactCheck.org.

Romney?  Yeah, that will be loads of fun.  How many Donny Osmond Hair jokes you think I can squeeze out of Romney? One? Two?  Political Satire involving Mitt Romney is the internet equivalent of Dogs Barking Jingle Bells. It’s sort of funny once. Once. Then it just makes you want to punch small kittens in the face until their tiny skulls shatter.

Hey, I know, maybe Ralph Nader will run again! Because there’s nothing more fun than writing a pillory of Ralph Nader… unless it’s having the SEALs kick in your door and double-tap you in the forehead.

Now I know what you’re thinking: buck up, Jim, just wait until Palin declares her candidacy!  Then we’ll have some blogging material, you betcha! There’ll be Russia jokes! Nazis! Death panels! Pregnant daughters! Guns! It’ll be glorious!

Can I be honest with you? Remember how when you saw Robin Williams for the first time and you laughed hysterically? But the second time you saw his manic insanity, you didn’t laugh quite so hard and after the show you realized he was mostly just babbling cocaine fueled gibberish? And the next time you saw him you didn’t laugh much at all and you just sort of wondered what the hell was wrong with that lunatic? And after a while when you heard somebody doing a lame-assed Mork impression you just wanted to reach into their throat and pull their intestines out through their nose? (Oh, right, that was just me. Sure). That’s where I am with Palin.  I don’t ever want to hear some random lackwit on the street doing an impression of Tina Fey doing an impression of Palin again, ever. Every single time somebody leaves a comment on Stonekettle Station where they think they’re the first person to ask me if I can see Russia from my house makes me want to light an endangered species on fire and dance naked around the flames while toasting marshmallows. I don’t want to have to spend another eighteen months thinking up variations on “Caribou Barbie.” For me, the Palin tit is dry (Yeah, good luck getting that image out of your brain. Serves you right for bringing up Palin in the first place).

We need fresh meat.

Here’s a few suggestions:

Charlie Sheen. No really. Charlie Sheen. He’s looking for a job. He’s a legacy, his dad was already President! He’s an endless source of fresh material! Winning!

Levi Johnston. I love this kid. Sure he’s too young – but, hell, that isn’t even close to his most interesting disqualification. Plus, think of how much fun this would be.  You know, really think about it.  Huh? Huh?

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, yeah, he’s not a natural born citizen.  Blah blah. So?  Seriously? An Austrian body builder who became a popular actor turned Conservative governor of California estranged from the Kennedy family with an out of wedlock love child? For fuck sake, it’s perfect!  My God, if he could work in a gay prostitute The Terminator could play the entire Republican line-up all by himself!

 

Politics, it’s great fun – except for all the politicians.

Now, watch where you step.

44 comments:

  1. We don't have our crazies yet, but we have some real potential. Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, and Michelle Bachmann are all aimed at the starting line, and each and every one has the potential to go FWEEE! over the railing, into the spectator grandstands, and blow up, taking chunks of the electorate with them. I'm not sure I'd use the word "fun", but I expect the Republican primaries to be interesting (in the sense of the old Chinese proverb)

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  2. So . . . you can see Russia from your house, right?

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  3. Rishathra, it's tanj nice to meet another Niven fan.

    Slowhand, if you were a kitten...

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  4. Heh. I live in Tejas, only about thirty miles from Ron Paul. I feel your pain on the Palin front (no pun intended). Your state may be the only one crazier than mine. At least armadillos don't total your car the way moose do...

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  5. The Rushpubliscum Party is a series of rectal boils on the ass of America. and the world.

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  6. I feel exactly the same way you do about election years. Exactly. Is there any more to say...you said it all.

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  7. Much as I would prefer it wasn't it is Levi Johnston not Johnson

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  8. Come on, Jim. You're giving in too easily. There's still lots of humour to be mined from the declared candidates.

    Just consider - Romney tied his dog to the roof rack of the family station wagon when going on a trip. There's a whole Clark Griswold riff that is just waiting to be written. Not to mention that at some point in the campaign, he is going to have to make the point that the health care plan he created in MA is the harbringer of a communist takeover of the US.

    OK, I will grant that the Gingrich lode is pretty much played out - once you make the joke about him asking his fourth wife if he should run for president, there's really nowhere to go from there.

    We do, however, still have a good possibility of Bachman throwing her hat into the ring. She's just waiting for a word from God to tell her to run (quick - someone get a minature receiver and some chloroform a la Real Genius). Then we'll hear all about her hiding in the bushes to spy on a GLBT march in order to protect herself from the lesbian mafia. Maybe she will grace us with a history lesson: apparently paying taxes is exactly like the Holocost.

    So don't be discouraged. There is still hope for at least one completely insane candidate in this race. And if we are extremely lucky, she could pick Christine O'Donnell as a running mate. The bumper stickers write themselves:
    "Bachmann/O'Donnell: The only defense against the lesbian witches."

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  9. Maybe you'll get lucky and Justin Bieber will run. Wait, he's not old enough to run is he? Oh well, maybe in a decade or two.

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  10. I'm pretty much sick of American electoral politics myself, but I do have to disagree on two points.

    First, I wouldn't say Gingrich is played out. He's exactly one week into his candidacy and he's already put his foot in his mouth a number of times and had to apologize to members of his own party after accidentally endorsing the President's healthcare plan. Look, I understand why people give Gingrich too much credit: he has academic credentials and he has a habit of dropping historic trivia and fatuous analogies into his schtick that makes him sound smart--so when I ask why people take him seriously and give him any credit as a thinker, it's really a rhetorical question. But substantively, if you really pick apart what he's saying, substantively he's basically Donald Trump without the winning personality.

    I will qualify my opinion that Gingrich is an idiot by admitting that he may simply be a bullshitter who doesn't care what comes out of his mouth, and if he cared he might actually manifest some actual intellect. But, and I'm not joking here, if I had to get a second opinion from someone and my only choices in the entire universe were Newt Gingrich and George W. Bush, I think Bush is the smarter of the two. Read that last line again if you want to. Gingrich may be better at forming a complete sentence than Bush, but buried beneath Bush's gibberish is a man who is more serious about being thoughtful than appearing thoughtful, and I am fond of my state's (and alma mater's) motto, Esse quam videri.

    On a related note, and forgive the self-pimpage, but today's Giant Midgets post provides an example of what I'm talking about with Newt.

    Oh, the second thing. I sort of regret having to stick up for Huckabee, but his recent "birther" flirtation wasn't so much a descent into full-on birtherism as it was a fact-impaired regurgitation of Dinesh D'Souza's silly "Kenyan mentality" hypothesis. Huckabee has said repeatedly that he thinks the President is an American citizen, and his observation that the failure of the Clinton primary campaign to come up with evidence to the contrary is circumstantial evidence that birtherism is really stupid (though that's not exactly how he put it). Don't get me wrong, Huckabee isn't qualified to be Vice-President, much less President; on the other hand, he is one of the few candidates who probably would be fun to have a beer with, even if his politics made you want to swat him every few minutes. Anyway, you're probably being (just) a little hard on him, Jim (though not with the name business; one could riff on that name forever).

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  11. Er... I meant to say, "and his observation that the failure of the Clinton primary campaign to come up with evidence to the contrary is circumstantial evidence that birtherism is really stupid (though that's not exactly how he put it) is valid." Not sure if my entire thought was clear. Sorry.

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  12. Gingrich basically read the polls, saw that eliminating Medicare and replacing it with a voucher program was a non-starter with the American people, and made a statement to that effect on national TV. That makes him a non-starter only to drooling Randian zombies and lizard people who rub their hands together with glee over the thought of sending all those unseemly OLD people to the ice floes for the crime of, well, getting old. Gingrich may have backtracked, but that just goes to prove that drooling Randian zombies muttering "Brraaaaaains.... BRAAAAAiiiiiins...." under their breath are the Republican "base" right now, led by a contingent of cold-blooded lizard people whose compassion for humanity got left on Planet Sociopath.

    But Michelle Bachman... surely you can get some mileage from her many bizarre pronouncements, right? For example... This. What is it about Republicans and potatoes?
    One can almost see Bachman wandering the halls of Congress in her bathrobe, muttering "Potato... Potatoe... Potato... Potatoe..." as a white-clad nurse chases behind her saying sternly "Ms. Bachman, Ms. Bachman, you need to take your meds!" Though I guess the imagery of a lady who in former times would be wearing a jacket with *really* long sleeves (that wrapped around, even :), will get old... but look. She makes Bible Spice look *SANE*. How easy is *that*?!

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  13. Oh yeah, Huckleberry: Huckster correctly noted that Ronald Reagan would not have been nominated by the collection of drooling zombies, vicious sociopaths, and ideological Party commissars who control the Republican Party today. Huckabee is to the right of Ronald Reagan, but he lacks the most fundamental attributes of the modern Republican politician: A vicious spiteful mean-spiritedness that creates proposals such as Paul Ryan's "Throw Granny Under The Bus" Medicare proposal. Huckleberry may be a few bricks shy of a full load, closely related to that annoying man who always shows up at my doorstep with the fixed smile and the handful of tracts saying "Have you accepted JEEEEEEEzus as your Lord and Savior?" (Sorry, not interested. SLAM.) but he actually believes some of that "be good to your fellow man" stuff in the New Testament. Which clearly disqualified him from leading a party of drooling Randian zombies and lizard people sociopaths, yo.

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  14. Hahaha... how can you include us Texans (I'm really a Californian in Texas thanks to the US Army!) with a bunch of atrophied inbred weak-chinned parasitic dolts in goofy hats! OUCH! Well, at least I CAN see Mexico from my house!

    Did you catch the confrontation between the Paulette and The Newt? That was SO hilarious! I think The Newt will give us some pretty good material over the next 6 weeks until he drops out of the race as well... think about it... hundreds of thousands in debt to Tiffany's??? Right Wing Social Engineering? Tap that well while it's rich, Jim!

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  15. I'm sure you already knew this, Jim, but here's a little fuel for the Republican fire you probably have building. Iirc, back before the 2008 election cycle, the Republicans were trying to repeal the natural-born citizen rule of being elected President, so they could put ol' Arnie on their ticket. Of course, that didn't happen. So the hypocrites turned around and started attacking the Prez they didn't like using the same law they tried to repeal to get their own handpicked candidate. Irony? Oh yes indeedy.

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  16. you end up with a bunch of atrophied inbred weak-chinned parasitic dolts in goofy hats

    I don't know- that's a pretty good description of our current Republican 'candidates.'

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  18. The Husckster even went out in style featuring Ted Nugent on the show when he announced he wasn't running even though "his heart told him go, go, go"! He played bass to Nugent's Cat Scratch fever featured on the Daily Show and the Colbert Report with those family value lyrics!

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  19. Jim, you said: "With a monarchy, sooner or later, you end up with a bunch of atrophied inbred weak-chinned parasitic dolts in goofy hats."

    I get your point, but when you look at many of our politicians these days, are they really that much different? Hell, the Paul dynasty is even bringing the goofy hats, albeit worn by their supporters.

    Nevertheless, I feel your pain. Way too sick of Sarah. When you watch your country under constant threat from stupidity, greed and megalomania, self-serving shenanigans just stop being funny.

    Plus, much of the electorate seems to think that all you have to do is pick the right president and everything else just falls into place. Anyone paying attention to this debt-ceiling crap? How about the attacks on Planned Parenthood going on in states across the nation?

    Glad to see you're a Farscape aficionado. I loved that show. Was sorry to see it end. Swear to God, science fiction is the best kind of prophecy we have these days.

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  20. Oops! Sorry, didn't see Pamela's comment before I posted. That old "great minds think alike" mojo in motion again.

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  21. I am with arakasi! I just love the image of Romney tying the dog to the top of the car. Every time I think about it I just crack up. It is such incredible fodder for bloggers! Imagine what his kids were thinking ... Why didn't his wife step in and stop the madness? What did he think would happen when the poor thing needed to do its business? There is so much here to consider ...

    Kodiak fan

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  22. Teabagging is for Kochsuckers.

    That's all I have to say for now.

    Oh, and Teabagging would be great if it weren't for all the Teabaggers.

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  23. Christ, how did I miss this guy? He'd be a perfect conservative candidate! One guess as to who he'd pick as a runningmate.

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  24. H/T to Vince on that last comment. Hit RETURN before I was actually done.

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  25. First of all, thanks so much for making me look forward to my trip to Texas tomorrow. Really.

    And second, I'll bite. Can you see Chukotski Peninsula from your house? :p

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  26. Well, let's not forget about frothy sexual substance Santorum's obsession with man-on-dog sex and insistence that John McCain knows nothing about torture. Err, yeah. (rolls eyes).

    Saw Ted Nugent's performance with Huckleberry on Huckster's Fox show. The Nuge looked *really* deranged there. As in, had the same expression on his face as Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" when Jack axes the door, sticks his head through, and says "Here's Johnny!". Eeep!

    The fact that this is the cream of the Republican crop says... err. Nevermind. It doesn't say anything. I mean, spittle-flecked frothing at the mouth might be communicating something, but it's not saying something, kapiche?

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  27. AW, come on. There's the ten car pile-up of a response Newt's spokesperson made today defending Newt's poor showing on this weekend's Meet the Press. I mean, that's golden. Sure, not a reliable well to go back to, but it does go a long way.

    And I've been stepping in this for the past six months, Jim. Where have you been?

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  28. I've been so damned busy these last few months, Steve, that I've hardly had time to look at the internet, let alone everybody else's blogs. Sigh.

    And you are certainly correct about Gingrich, this morning's "if you quote me, you must be lying" bit is currently at my #1 on the WhatTheFuck-O-meter.

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  29. This is from my favorite Texas blogger Juanita Jean's Most Dangerous Beauty Salon:

    Rick Perry is George W Bush without the intelligence and wit. They even sound exactly alike giving speeches. They are both Karl Rove’s Frankensteins.

    But, some damfool thinks Rick Perry should sashay up to the plate and add his name to the list of unimpressive Republican presidential candidates. I mean, why the hell not? He’s just as unimpressive as any of the rest of them.

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  30. Nick from the O.C.May 18, 2011 at 9:21 PM

    I still think Robin Williams is funny, does that make me a bad person? Did you see his bit on Inside the Actors' Studio"? Hilarious. Every single time I've watched it.

    Now that I think of it, didn't Mr. Williams have an affair with his son's nanny and end up marrying her when she became pregnant with his love child?

    Maybe he's ready to run for President?

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  31. tanstaafl - but you do have such colourful political hopefuls in your country. Contrast that with the grey majority we live with here in the frozen north. It's a bit like living next door to the asylum and peaking in through the gaps in the walls. The only problem is that once in a while the loonies throw crap back over the same wall...

    As for the Palinistas, well I can see the US from my house. Does that count?

    darnisit - a standard response to political questions...

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  32. Kudos to Mr. Wright for the Spanish Habsburg reference. *fart*

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  33. Schwarzenegger-Why not, at least he's not Kenyan!

    Here's a game to play at home: Who is dumber-Levi Johnston or George W. Bush? At least Levi has an excuse: youth and lack of education.

    :-)

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  34. So, as a token Brit, I'd like to leap to the defense of the British (Monarchy) system. It's considerably more…. well not exactly exciting, but at least more 'interesting' than you might believe.

    We may have a Monarchy with all of its inbreeding, sense of decency, endless cups of Earl Grey Tea served in fine bone china, awesome weddings (with commoners sometimes) and pointy-hat business, but we do also have politics (though, I'll grant you, maybe with a small 'p'). We have a Prime minister, you know, and although the Queen (Gawd bless 'er) has shit-tonnes of money, lots and lots (and lots) of silly hats, a rabbit-skin toilet seat (allegedly - though I'm told the Queen NEVER poops), she doesn't really have any power to speak of (unless never pooping is a power).

    In the heyday of British politics (when I was a mere lad), one of our Prime Ministers thought she was at least as powerful as your then President (good old trickle-down Ronnie himself) and heck, even now we can have some feisty left-versus-right shenanigans.

    Then again, I am reminded of an old Daily Show report about one of our General Elections, where the reporter of the day (one Stephen Colbert) announced that in Britain, politics was boring - because we had "no issues". Even gay marriage wasn't an issue because in Europe, everyone is gay!

    One aspect of US politics that fascinates me arises from your absolute adherence to the 'right to free speech' (some big amendment or another, I think). In Britain we have something called 'libel' and the vast majority of people (not just the Queen) tends to frown upon lying (though tabloid newspapers owned by Australians are obviously exempt). In the USA, it seems to be almost applauded when a presidential candidate says something like "Obama is a lesbian from the planet Zod who wants to amputate everybody's trigger finger" and states it as a matter of fact (no doubt resulting in the spawning of an entire generation of "zodders" who would demand to see Obama's intergalactic passport). Now if I was a prolific political blogger such as your good self, these truth-benders would be the subject of many of my posts.

    Anyhoo, keep up the good work. I love your rants (I'm a Brit and I can only get angry vicariously).

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  35. Ah yes, Grumbles, that old "lying is free speech" thingy that right wingers always trumpet to excuse saying things that are outright lies. Then they say, "if you outlaw lying, who decides?" Err, it's right there in our Constitution -- a jury of their peers would decide. Not a judge, not a government minister, a jury. The teaching of Civics to our children, alas, appears to have become as vanishingly rare as Republicans who are not batshit crazy frothing lunatics. Is our children learning (to quote a former President)? Err... no. Not as far as I can tell.

    - Badtux the Snarky penguin

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  36. [Aside:] As a Kentuckian, I must protest. You have come perilously close to denying the truth: Rand Paul does.not.exist. DOES NOT ExisT, I tell you!

    Mary Anne in Kentucky

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  37. I had to renew my license this last month, and since I'd just moved a few weeks earlier I did the voter registration thing at the same time (in the vain hope that someday...SOMEDAY...I'll get called for jury duty). The deeply bored woman asked me what political party she needed to put in her little computer - and I didn't want to choose one. It's like choosing between bazooka barfing and explosive diarrhea...there is no good choice.

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  38. well i'd like to think that the current crop of candidates, real or imagined is odious enough tyvm.

    Ms. Bachmann reminds me of the type of religious sociopath who would happily nuke a nation of brown people w/o cause and she has the backing of a well financed group of theologians to boot.

    Mr. Romney doesn't appear to be able to earn the trust of any segment of the party due to backtracking and prostituting his own ideas for the sake of electability.

    Mr. Santorum - is a waste of oxygen and could be effectively replaced by an inanimate carbon rod, the carbon rod at least could be counted on not to spout idiocy every other news cycle.

    Mr. Paul - really does believe in small C conservatism, the problem is that small C type of conservatism that died around 1840 with the Whigs. I don't believe that he's a racist just naive enough to think that there is no racial inequality in our country.

    Mr. Cain - If I was gonna support a businessman for the presidency, it wouldn't be the guy who owned a string of failed pizza joints, just sayin'.

    Mr. Pawlenty - get back to me when he says something that hasn't been given to him to rehearse from Faux News.

    Mr. Johnson - ummm Gary, you're claim to fame can't solely be that you've vetoed every piece of legislation that crossed your desk. Sometimes, you actually have to DO things.

    Mr. Daniels - Ok, so we want the guy who was in charge of W's finances to run for president, the brains behind the tax credit scam that dropped us into a deficit to begin with. Great idea!

    Mr. Huntsman - So you're biggest accomplishment so far is your work in the current administration's State Department.... not sure how you're gonna pass the purity test in THIS political climate, but good luck!

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  39. Well, it's past 6:00 PM in Kiritimati... any word on the event?

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  40. I think it's 6PM tomorrow night

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  41. I LAUGHED TILL I CRIED! SHARED YOUR COMMENTS ON THE RAPTURE WITH ALL OF MY NUTZY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. THANK YOU FOR SOME SANITY IN THIS INSANE TIME!

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  42. You are an amazing writer! I aspire to be you!
    Jason

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