Those of you who follow me on Facebook have already seen some of this. But the topic is just such a rich, rich motherlode of crazy that I couldn’t help but mine it for a bit more of the sparkly ore. Plus, it seems a damned shame for those of you who don’t follow me on The ‘Book to miss out (and really, why, why aren’t you my Facebook Friend. Why?).
Frenchman Flats, Nye County, Nevada.
Hot. Desiccated. Dusty. Empty. Basically a hellish barren sun-blasted moonscape, fit for neither man nor beast.
A perfect place to detonate a couple of million megatons of atom bombs
No, seriously. It was the perfect place. The before and after pictures look exactly the same. Over a period of about four decades, beginning in 1951, the US Government detonated nearly a thousand nuclear bombs at what was then known as the Nevada Proving Grounds. Roughly eight hundred “devices” were set off underground, the remainder were either surface detonations (meaning the fireball touched the surface of the Earth) or air detonations (meaning the entire fireball occurred in midair and didn’t touch the surface). Subsurface explosions that break through the earth and throw radiation and vaporized rock into the atmosphere are considered accidental surface detonations, and there were a large number of those too – though the official count doesn’t mention that. Of the three types, subsurface, surface, and air, surface is by far the worst in long-term effects. Subsurface blasts can cause effects similar to earthquakes (indeed, in some cases actual earthquakes have been triggered by subsurface detonations) as the shock waves race through the bedrock. Air detonations have the greatest heat, blast and initial, short term, radiation radius but leave little lingering effects, usually not even a crater. Surface detonations, however, are another story all together. Vaporized people and buildings and soil (sometimes cubic miles worth) are blasted into the sky and form that infamous mushroom cloud – and then all that crap rains down as radioactive fallout for days, months, and sometimes years afterward.
Fallout is nasty stuff and it can have long term consequences – as the people who lived in Nevada and, indeed, much of the West and Midwest found out decades after those explosions. And there was a lot of it, at least one hundred and fifty surface detonations worth, maybe more. Maybe a lot more – much of what happened out there is still very highly classified. Hundreds of thousands of tons of radioactive dust settled across Nevada. Now, the radiation from fallout isn’t high, not compared to the short lived neutron and gamma burst of the initial fission or fusion explosions, but the effects last for a long, long time, especially if you breathe in the particles where they lodge in your lungs or get transferred into your bloodstream, or become embedded in your skin, or contaminate your food or water supplies.
The medical effects are well documented.
In the first stages of severe radiation poisoning, victims are afflicted with extreme nausea. Vomiting and explosive diarrhea are common. Cell walls break down and the blackened putrescent fluid that used to be blood begins to leak into the intercellular spaces. Sores appear on the skin… and then the mutations appear. Victims devolve into horribly disfigured cannibals who live under the wasted earth, emerging only to mate and feast on the succulent flesh of foolish teenagers when their cars break down while taking a “shortcut” between Barstow and Las Vegas (a curious side effect of the lingering radiation is that it prevents cell phone usage and calls for help). Strangely, as a side effect of Cobalt-90, the mutants can only attack while the teenagers are having sex in the backseat of a convertible under the full moon. If the nubile girl is completely naked and exposing her magnificent breasts in the moonlight, death is almost inevitable. Such are the terrible results of nuclear testing.
In Stage Two, intelligence disappears altogether as the victim’s frontal lobes dry into a small, hard, wrinkled, bean-like pellet. Genetic mutation continues, giving rise to zombie hordes who, their humanity abandoned, shamble across the blasted heath bereft of brains, moaning trite slogans, and herding together into TEA party rallies. Most will eventually starve – as brains are rare indeed in this cursed hellscape – but some will survive as desiccated sticks of ambulatory jerky milling outside the fence of Nellis Air Force Base and its infamous Area 51,their leathery Boehner-like faces turned skyward waiting for a glimpse of the mothership…or the Rapture, whichever comes first.
Occasionally, a small mindlessly mutant few reach Stage Three. Politics. In a mysterious process not yet understood by science, bee-like the radiation hardened hordes of Nevadan hardscabbies select one of their own. They surround her and spray the chosen one with their withered seed in an orgy of bukkake-like baptism which causes the skin to thicken into a toad-like armor and the empty cranium to fill with a spongy bread-like substance similar to soggy Thanksgiving turkey stuffing.
Oh, you doubt the veracity of my description, do you?
How then do you explain Sharron “Putting the mental in Fundamentalism” Angle, TEAbag ball-washer and Republican Senate hopeful from Nevada?
Sharron Angle believes that:
- The separation of church and state is unconstitutional - she also explained how Thomas Jefferson apparently didn’t understand the US Constitution (stop that, stop hitting yourself in the face. Stop it).
- The US Department of Education should be eliminated because it too is unconstitutional.
- The United States should withdraw from the United Nations as it is a “bastion of liberal ideology and the umpire on fraudulent science such as global warming” (umpire on fraudulent science such as…? Oh fuck it, just go with it).
- Global warming is a big fat lie (I know, that was mentioned in the previous item, but I thought it really needed its own line item), because, and I quote “the science is shaky”. Nobody knows science like Angle, she learned all about it from it from King James.
- Marriage equals one man, one woman, and an Inflatable Vibrating Vajazzled Jesus. Woman should stay home and make babies. Men should work. The kids should be named Wally and the Beav.
- The Federal Reserve should be abolished.
- The IRS should be abolished – well, at least the entire IRS Tax Code (i.e. income tax) anyway. One assumes that the IRS with nothing to do, will simply wither away like Angle’s brain.
- Social Security and Medicare should be abolished or privatized (sometimes she says one, sometimes she says the other, sometimes she says both in the same sentence).
- Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac should be abolished.
- She’d like to see alcohol outlawed - you know, because it was such a big success last time we tried prohibition (When pressed on the issue she tried to back away from her statement, apparently her holier than thou morality doesn’t include not lying outright when confronted with one of her own bullshit statements).
- When it comes to guns, well let’s just say that she’ll understand if God-fearing Conservatives have to take Washington D.C. by force of arms from the filthy liberals if she were to lose the election. You know, like the Second Amendment says and all.
- Do I need to mention that she’s a creationist? (I know, I know, big surprise there).
- She’s a big fan of the Drill, Baby, Drill Palin energy planny thingy and she really digs coal fired power plants.
And the big bright red cherry on the top of the crazy Angle banana split?
- Rape is God’s plan.
Yes, you read that right. Rape, forcible fucking rape, it’s part of the Big Guy’s divine plan. And, dig this, if you get pregnant from said violation, well, too damned bad for you, you’re keeping the whelp of that holy union and raising it up the way God intended – because that’s part of his cunning plan too.
According to Angle, women absolutely do not have the right to choose. Abortion should be illegal always and in every single case, even rape, even if it kills the mother because that’s how God wants it (I swear, I’m not making this shit up. Angle has publically stated that she believes God plans for certain women to be raped, impregnated against their will, and that they should have to bear the resulting progeny to term).
Oh yes, and if that wasn’t enough, she also believes that fluoridation of the public water supply is evil (As somebody said on my Facebook wall, Sharron Angle is the female version of General Jack D. Ripper. I can’t argue with that. General Ripper was a big fan of paranoid psychosis).
Radiation folks. Lingering environmental radiation from forty damned years of nuclear testing. Nothing else could possibly explain it.
I keep trying to wrap my head around this stupid bitch’s thought process and I just can’t do it.
Rape. God, see, he plans that.
I could maybe understand a man, a stupid ignorant misogynist inbred male from one of those fundie evangelical Christian zombie cults like the Westboro Baptish Church maybe preaching this stupid ignorant throwback shit – but I cannot fathom a woman, an American woman, one who thinks she ought to be a US Senator no less, in this day and age spouting this ridiculous garbage. I mean, seriously, what the fuck? This is the kind of brain-washed claptrap you’d expect from somebody who’s been lying naked in a cesspit of her own excrement, locked in a bamboo cage in a North Korean re-education camp for the last two decades and raped violently on an hourly basis by Revolutionary army thugs. Honest to God, John McCain isn’t this fucked up and he really was left lying in a cesspit of his own shit in a bamboo cage. Him I could understand.
I’ve got a couple of questions that I’d like Sharron Angle to answer, but I’ll take input from the peanut gallery too:
1. God, in his infinite wisdom, has you raped, impregnated against your will, and forced to bear a baby to term.
Question: why in all the hell are you a Christian? No, seriously? Are you stupid? Did your mother actually witness those nuclear tests up close while pregnant with you? How could you possibly worship a God of such infinite sadism? Please tell me you were held hostage by Christian Fundamentalists and it’s Stockholm Syndrome.
2. God, in his infinite wisdom, has you raped, impregnated against your will, and forced to bear a baby to term. In accordance with Christian doctrine, God wouldn’t give you more than you can bear, so you must be up for this. Presumably so you can learn something (not basic science though, surely not that).
The question is why? What’s the point? What are you supposed to learn from this trial? My guess? God’s an asshole and deserves a big ole kick in the holy balls. Because that’s what I’d get out of it.
3. God, in his infinite wisdom, has you raped, impregnated against your will, and forced to bear a baby to term. In accordance with Christian doctrine, God wouldn’t give you more than you can bear, so you must be up for this. Presumably so you can learn something.
Question: What lesson is God teaching the rapist? No, don’t look away. Yoohoo, crazy person, over here please. Answer the question.
4. God, in his infinite wisdom according to the bible, helps those who help themselves. He has you raped, impregnated against your will.
Question: If this happened in America, a country where abortion is legal and women have a choice, and he plans everything right down to the rapist’s little sperms swimming right up your wahzoo and knocking you up, it would follow that he planned abortion clinics too. So is it maybe just possible that HE’S SENDING YOU A FUCKING MESSAGE? GET THE D&C YOU DAFFY BITCH, GET THE D&C! No? I suppose not.
5. God, in his infinite wisdom and infinite attention to detail made you, and then made the rapist, and then shaped every detail of both your lives so that you would grow up along the path He laid out and eventually He brings you two together and BLAMO! SURPISE RAPESECKS! Ha ha! and that just never gets old. God, what a card.
Question: if God can do that, why didn’t he instead make the guy Mr. Right? I mean, why didn’t He have Mr. Rapist grow up into a decent human being (you know, one that doesn’t go around fucking people against their will), you two meet, fall in love, marry, and have lots of little happy fat Christian babies? Maybe God’s got a rape fetish? Hey, don’t get all pissy with me, I’m just asking here. This is your little rape fantasy, I’m just looking for some clarity.
6. God in his infinite wisdom, compassion, love, and understanding has you brutally raped. Hell, He has you violently holed in every orifice you’ve got, plus a couple you didn’t know you had, by a gang of jackbooted Skinheads. But you don’t get pregnant.
Question: What the hell, Jesus? I thought the whole point of the rape was making babies. Christianity is complicated, it makes my brain hurt.
7. Last question, Sharron: When’s the last time you had a fucking CAT scan?
Conservatives keep telling me that the GOP isn’t really like this. That the TEA Party isn’t like this.
Here’s a question for you people then: Why do all of your leaders look just like this crazy bitch?
Ah ah, careful, go through that list of Sharron Angle’s policy positions again and count off the number that are mainstream talking points in the RNC platform. Now, to be fair I’ll spot you the rape thing and the fluoridation, you’ve got to give me purity balls and the Iranian Invasion. No matter how you slice it, she’s still nuts, clearly so, but she’s nowhere near the fringe of the GOP.
Not even close.
It’s all good though. Oh sure you’re getting raped by mutant zombies, but hey, relax, it’s all part of the plan.
All part of the plan.
Have fun raising that baby though. Really.