Monday, June 7, 2010

Xanax, Jerko, Try Some.

Is it national asshole day?

Or is it something local?

Seriously, is there something in the water? Did Palin unleash her hordes of mindlessly angry, so very angry, zombies? Is it Lost withdrawal?

I was making a left turn from a residential road onto the main Palmer-Wasilla Highway. There were cars coming from each direction, it being rush hour and all. So I turned into the middle turn lane instead of pulling into oncoming traffic – you know, like you’re supposed to. The women in the cut-down customized white pickup with the chrome exhaust and low rider tires blew her horn hysterically – and kept blowing it – while waving her arm out the window giving me the tradition asshole salute. She kept this up, screaming out her window at me in red faced rage as she went by, even though it was patently obvious to everybody that I was in the middle lane, did not cut her off, and was never intending to cut her off.  I pulled in behind her, and she drove another mile down the road laying on the horn and waving her middle finger in the air and screaming into her mirror at me – while dialing her cell phone.

I glanced at my son in the passenger seat, he shrugged and laughed. Neither one of us could figure out what this whacked out bitch was on about. But, hey, she was headed towards Wasilla so I figured she was on the way to a Tea Party rally or Palin’s birthday party or something. One asshole does not a trend make.

I got home, my wife called, she was at the gas station down the road. The Mustang wouldn’t start.


I grabbed my toolbag and headed down to the corner.

I pulled in next to my wife. As I did so, I noticed that the truck at the far pump had one of those half Confederate, half American, giant bald Eagle super duper uber stupendous Viagra fueled patriotic hard-on window treatments, and painted on the tailgate in large black letters was “Un-politically correct and PROUD of it.”  Do I need to mention that the driver was a shaven-headed thug, vandyked, outfitted in a wife-beater, and complete with with proudly displayed racist tattoos who looked like he was on his way to an Aryan Nation pot luck and cross-burnin’? No?

OK, two assholes in ten minutes then. At least this one didn’t scream at me.

It was the battery cable.  Took about two seconds to get my wife’s car started, she drove off towards home, and as I walked around to put the jumper cables in the back of my truck I realized the guy on the far side of the pump next to me was trying to kill us all.  He kept clicking the pump nozzle like you do when you’re trying to get an exact amount or when you’re trying to top off your tank – except his tank was full. Over full. Gas was pouring out on the ground. He was standing in a puddle of it.

So me being the helpful and friendly and neighborly guy I am said, “Hey, your tank is overflowing!”

He responded with a cheery “Thanks, Buddy!” only it came out sounding more like a surly “Fuck you, I know what I’m doing!” In fact, it sounded exactly like “Fuck you, I know what I’m doing.”


You’re pouring gas on your shoes, but you know what you’re doing? Um, OK. I’ll just fuck off then, sorry for bothering you.

Did I mention the guy was about sixty and looked like the Good Humor Man? I thought maybe he was thinking about going all Jihad Martyr on the gas station, if he pulled out a lighter I was going to clock his nasty obnoxious ass with my tool bag.  Instead he got in his truck and drove off leaving behind about ten bucks puddled on the ground.

Seriously folks, what the hell?

If I’d known it was national asshole day, I have gone out prepared.


Who’s the biggest jerk you ran into today?


  1. Being a crew leader for the Census, the biggest assholes I ran into today were in the notes sections of the forms my enumerators turned in. Prime (Hypocritical) Example- dude had a big sign on his front door with a huge flag that said "Proud American" in big letters. And he proceeded to hide in his house when he saw the Census worker at his door. Great patriot he is-- shirking his Constitutionally-mandated civic duty. Then there are the crazies with the shot guns...

  2. Does a homeless person running into my car as I'm turning right onto a busy street (she had 2 mattresses in her shopping cart), glaring at me and I'm pretty sure muttering something under her breath towards me as she ignores the sidewalk completely, count?

    Other than that, I didn't leave the house...

  3. All I wanted was to take a nap.

    6 calls regarding the election that California is having tomorrow.

    To callers #4, 5, and 6, I was the asshole.

  4. Nick from the O.C.June 8, 2010 at 12:42 AM

    Your problem, Jim, is that you're just too sensitive.

    I had a great day!

    On the other hand, my wife was home with both kids (school furlough day today and tomorrow) and thus had two jerks to deal with for the entire day. She held on to her last nerve with both hands ....

  5. Hmm. My award would be to my boss, who decreed that I needed to come back to Anchorage next week. Sunday please. Because, you know, when you've been out of town for ten days, a personal day with family is clearly a luxury to be avoided at all costs.

    I put my foot down and said Monday morning, but I'll be on the freaking plane then. Dammit.

    I'm tired. Very very tired.

  6. I feel fortunate that I only had the usual cadre of idiot drivers to contend with. I have yet to comprehend, however, why so many people think it's right and proper to drive 15 mph in a 45 mph zone. Said 45 mph zone is nowhere near a school. Or a hospital. Or an orphan kitty rescue home. Or anything other than commercial establishments. Sigh.

  7. My boss #1 and the same group of assholes that Wine Guy is dealing with

  8. I am reviewing a document at work. The submitting company is such a bunch of douchenozzles that I screamed out loud at one point when I was reading it. I was in my office upstairs, and TheHusband heard me from the basement. Apparently the scream scared the cat, who was also in the basement.

  9. Brought the car in yesterday to an appointment scheduled over a week ago. Car was at the shop at *;10 am. Three hour job to replace the air conditioner compressor. I called at 3:30 to see if it was done. They hadn't even started it.

    When I made the appointment, I was #1 - no other appointments for the day.


  10. The biggest jerk I ran into today was me as I allowed stress to be an excuse for reaming out a programmer (and, yes, I do know all programers deserve to be reamed out on a regular basis) for doing something that was basically my fault. Tomorrow I'll do it again but it won't be for a bad reason this time...

  11. Well, since we're discussing it, I'll nominate the bus driver I had on the ride home last night. He pulls into the station a couple minutes late, glares at those of us waiting that get right on the bus- and disappears into the bowels of the station.

    With his lunch container.

    Wanders back well after the bus has filled.

    About 20 minutes later.

    Takes his sweet time stowing his lunch tote.

    Reluctantly shuts the door and pulls off, like somehow we're bothering him.

    We left the station 10 minutes late...no apology, no nuthin.

    Yes, shithead, driving the bus is your fucking job. Get over it. Transit system is about to have major cuts in service and a huge employee reduction in workforce to go along with the budget cuts. After yesterday's performance (or lack thereof) we'd be more than happy to make sure you're on the hit list!!

    I guess we should have been grateful he didn't leave the station. One drive last month went across the street to Waffle House and waited while they cooked his food!!

  12. I'm on the New York City subway system every day, so my experiences with assholery are legion. Normally, you just shrug it off but every now and then . . . This morning, rush hour and sardine can packed trains, a backpacker with a Mt. Everest expedition sized backpack forces his way into the car with his pack still on his back. Smacks into numerous people, causing contusions and really bad feelings and, oh yes, he smells like a cesspool in August. Hey doucheberry! If your cheap ass is so keen on hiking across the world with all of your possessions on your back, WALK AND STAY THE FUCK OFF OF THE TRAINS!!!

  13. Vagabond, having done that for 30 years, ride the NYC subway, not with back pack you have my sympathy.

  14. Faceless, nameless someone or someones hunting me on the Internet to find my user names and profiles; calling my unlisted number to hang up when I answer; and is also either giving my number out or using it for nefarious purposes since Alaska Housing called here looking for someone who'd put my phone number on a "grantee application," and I recognized that someone's last names as the not very long ago maiden name of someone who has access to all of my information as an employee of a facility that has my private info on file. Is that jerky enough?

    Tomorrow, I call to get a new unlisted phone number. Can't just move out of my house though!

  15. Identity theft? Yeah, that's pretty jerky, beemodern. I hope that you can resolve it quickly.


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