Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Where the Hell is Katie Couric When We Need Her?

Did you see the Palin Interview last night on the O’Reilly Factor?


Well, then you really missed something special. 

It was like when that comet, Shoemaker-Levy 9, broke apart and slammed into Jupiter in a blaze of destruction and death and catastrophe on a cosmic scale so large that it defied comprehension and all you could do was sit there with your mouth agape in utter disbelief at the astounding unbelievable horror of it all as tons of ice blew up in fireballs larger than the earth and every time you thought it was over it wasn’t and each explosion was larger than the last and it just kept getting worse and worse and worse and you thought Fuck! at least it didn’t hit us but what if it did because that would be the end of everything ever and yet how damned bizarropants is it that there are people hoping and praying that something like this does happen to the Earth because their brains are like little chirping crickets hopping madly about in an aquarium full of starving garter snakes?

It was a lot like that.

Shellacked hair like a Waffen-Schutzstaffel helmet, unblinking black-eyed lizard-alien-in-a-rubber-human-suit stare, enormous icebreaker prow of a jutting chin that reminds me of evil mirror-universe Jay Leno, and that uncanny fixed death’s head rictus — it was as if Palin was a parody of Tina Fey channeling Sarah Palin in some creepy incestuous psychic-connection feedback loop of bowel liquefying vapid ignorance. Every time I hear this women speak it becomes more and more obvious that Walt Disney’s animatronic Abe Lincoln has more going in the brains department … and a smoother more life-like appearance.



Derp. Derpa derp.


It was as frightening as a giant ball of ice hurtling towards the earth at cosmic speed.

I’d like to reprint the interview here verbatim, because, seriously folks, Palin’s own words demonstrate more than any sarcastic mockery I could write just what a complete and total tool this sad silly ignorant hateful women is. However, Fox transcripts are copyrighted material (one suspects that this is less about protecting their intellectual property [Ow! Ow! Ow! My fingers cramped up typing that] than making sure Rupert Murdoch’s abject partisan booger eating stupidity doesn’t fall into the wrong hands – like, say, somebody with more than two brain cells rubbing together). So, here go read it before continuing on.  I’ll wait.







You’re back?

See? And you thought I was engaged in exaggerated hyperbole.  Foolish reader.  It’s ok, stop crying, you’re safe now. Here, breath into this paper bag until the blood flow returns to your frontal lobes. Feel the tingling? You’re going to be ok, though the urge to vomit and the black spots in your vision may persist for several days. Also, you owe me $5 for the barf bag.

This, my intestinally-cramping electronic friends, is the flagship of FoxNews. Goddamn, they must be proud, eh?

It’s like a cosmic ball of icy cold crazy aimed right at the bridge of your nose.

With O’Reilly as her idiot straight man – like some bizarroland Ed Mc’Reilly to her animatronic Johnny. Maybe when they make the Palin movie, Bill O’Reilly can be played by a dancing organ grinder monkey chittering on the end of a chain with a little hat on his fuzzy head and an outstretched tin cup.

For those of you who lacked the intestinal fortitude to click on that link, allow me to summarize the interview.

However, there’s a catch. 

See, what I’m going to do is insert a couple of actual no fooling verbatim quotes from Palin in the sarcastic paraphrase below. Hint: look for… ahhh, you know, to hell with it. No hints, you’re on your own.


Palin: Derp Derp Derpity Derp Derp.

Help us Govna Sarah, help us! Yer so pretty! Yer so smart! What should we do?

Palin: Stop the gusher! Stop the gusher! [stop staring at my boobs, they’re real! I swear they’re real! Look, I can make them dance! Boom chica boom boom]

Bam! There it is, right there! Stop the gusher! Holy mackerel! Why didn’t Obama think of that? It’s just common sense. It’s so obvious once you point it out! Stop the gusher! Damn, eight weeks now and Obama never once thought to stop the gusher.  Thank you, oh thank you, Lord Holy Jesus God, for making Sarah Palin and her cunning plan. And her boobs, all three of them. Amen. [boom chica bow bow]

Just one little tiny thing,  how, exactly, do we stop the gusher?

Palin: We need to make sure all technology is thrown at this problem!

Ooooooh! All technology! Brilliant, just brilliant! That must be more of that famous common sense! It’s like a magical superpower! Isn’t she wonderful, ladies and gentlemen? Let’s give her a big hand. Praise be to Super Father Lordy God Jesus, hurrah! We’re saved! 

But…uh, just one little thing I’m unclear on, not to be an oil soaked wet blanket or anything, but what technology exactly?

Palin: well the technology technology kind of technology thingy stuffy sorta thingy jobber oily soaker upper technology. Stuff. Thing. Obama is gay and he eats babies! It’s true!

Oh yes! I see now. Use technology technology. Wonderful, wonderful. Just, though, um, hate to be a bother but could you maybe give us just one little example of some specific technology that you’re talking about?

Palin: These are not the droids you’re looking for…

I, what? Oooooo, my head feels fuzzy and I’d like a cup of tea. Wuzzah? The blinking lights and beating drums have confused me. These are not the droids we’re looking for?

Palin: No.

Okey Dokey. Well, in that case, please feel free not to answer the question and then change the subject to cover up the fact that you have no goddamned clue as to what you’re talking about in any way, shape, or form and that inside your head you’re quoting Rocky and Bullwinkle to yourself.  Also? Could you make some kind of vague and unsupported ominous hand waving? Yes. Move along, move along. [also, do the boom chica bow bow thing again]

Palin: The people, they’re very, very, super doopery frustrated! Kind of like your sex life, Bill.

Hey now! I took too much Viagra last night and my boner hasn’t gone down yet! [Check it out, cat couldn’t scratch it! Boom boom chica chica boing boing]

Palin: What the government should have done was accept the assistance of those great patriotic Europeans who this week I think are really cool but next week I’ll be back to calling socialist commie homo baby aborting subhuman Nazis (except for Israel, woooooooo I love them) and, of course those great patriotic entrepreneurial American patriots who are patriotic in their entreprenualinest ideas.

Who now?

Palin: They can't even get a phone call returned, Bill. The Dutch. They are known in the Norwegian. They are known for — for dikes and for cleaning up water and for dealing with spills. They offered to help and, yet, no, they too, with a proverbial can't even get a phone call back. That is what the Norwegians are telling us, and the Dutch are telling us. And then the entrepreneurial Americans, the company in Maine that has the boom and the absorbents, those companies that are waiting for the Obama administration eight weeks later for the regulators to come in and say, OK, we'll purchase from you now. We'll do all that we can. That's where some of the frustration is.

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of the awesome gibberish coming out of your mouth. I swear to Holy Lordy Jesus Vejazzled God women, you’re like a brain damaged monkey humping a greased football. Do they even have a name for what’s wrong with you? Was that English? All the words sounded like English but they don’t make any sense together! The Dutch are known in the Norwegian? Regulators purchase. Regulators? Since when do government regulators go to Maine and purchase spill response equipment. What the fuck are you talking about?!

Er, sorry, I mean, yer so smart, yer so pretty. Please, continue.

Palin: I don’t want to point fingers and make this all partisany like…

Choke! Snort!

Palin: …but you know that’s how I make a living bilking millions out of the suckers. Anyhoo, like I was saying national security, safety of the people needs to be the top priority.

I thought you said stopping the gusher was supposed to be the number one priority?

Palin: No the number one priority is to unfund the funding of the periphery funding things that get in the way of the private sector’s progress to produce their ability to prosper. Thrive. Prosper. Now, as the super bestest ever governor-overlord of the great nation of Alaska, what I did in dealing with the oil companies. I had to set up our Petroleum Systems Integrity Office so that we could be there on the front lines making sure what the oil companies were telling us was legit, when they were dealing with their corroded pipes that we found out and other lax maintenance issues.

Oh, good point. That’s probably why there weren’t any oil spills on your watch, well on the part of your watch you actually stood, right?  That’s probably why you quit, right? So that you weren’t the governor who did the legit finding out of the corroded pipes when there was huge spill on the pipeline like, oh say, last month which would have been while you were governor except you bailed out and apparently your big damned leadership didn’t have any lasting effect. But hey, fuck it, it’s not like I’m gonna call you on it [wink wink].There wasn't anybody from the management service or whatever, Mineral Management Service, out on the pipeline checking it out. That's for sure.

Palin: Derp derp, derpity derp…

Yep that’s for sure. Yep.

Palin: OK. We can't, we can't afford though to, we can't afford to demonize these energy producers to such an extent that that they go under…

Got it.  No demonizing, because you’ll need their contributions in 2012 right? Thanks for coming by, Govna!

Palin: Derp Derp, Derpity Derp!

Did you spot it? Could you tell the sarcasm from the real Palin?



Look to the skies, folks.

If we’re lucky, a giant comet will kill us all and end the agony.



  1. But NASA's still got the budget to slam her into Jupiter, right?

    entlyz: If you've got an embarrassingly unspeakable personal problem so horrible we can't even allude to it on TV, ask your doctor about Entlyz.

  2. But NASA's still got the budget to slam her into Jupiter, right?

    I'll be happy to chip in the money I make from barf bag sales to this project

  3. That woman couldn't put two sentences together that made sense if God Almighty himself came down with the sentences on stone tablets then bitch-slapped her to get her attention.

  4. I, for one, would like to see God bitch slap Sarah Palin. I might even start going to church if it would help bring that about.

  5. "But NASA's still got the budget to slam her into Jupiter, right?"

    I'll be happy to chip in the money I make from barf bag sales to this project

    I'll talk to people. We can probably get Goddard and ESA to help out, too.

  6. Vince and Jim, that would be TEH HAWESOME!

  7. What about the North Koreans? I'm not picky, if she blows up on the pad I'm good with that too.

  8. And don't forget The Dutch. They are, after all, known in the Norwegian.

  9. There's a de-motivational poster in there somewhere.

  10. What about the North Koreans? I'm not picky, if she blows up on the pad I'm good with that too.

    Normally we wouldn't bring the North Koreans in on this, but in this case, an argument could be made that, not only would it be cost effective, but it might actually help with diplomatic relations with North Korea.

    Definitely something to consider...

  11. "...if she blows up on the pad I'm good with that too.

    What a pretty picture. The slow, slow lift-off, the pause and gradual tilt from vertical, the glacial sinking back into her own fiery exhaust, the increasing tilt and nose-over leading to the righteously explosive crash. Mmmmmm. It's an almost poetically beautiful thought, it is. *sniff*

  12. And don't forget The Dutch. They are, after all, known in the Norwegian.

    ESA's technical HQ is in Noordwijk, so I think the Dutch would automatically be involved. Their knowledge in the Norwegian could only help.

  13. Unless it's biblical knowledge of the Norwegian. You know those Dutch

  14. My son, who is nine, watched that video and grabbed the Palin bobble-head doll I keep on the shelf. He made his own video: http://www.snowcoveredhills.com/?p=5265

  15. I can't stop watching it. Jeebus, Megan, your kid is killing me

    Megan, clearly this youth is the product of superb parenting skills. I salute you.

  17. I want to watch William Shatner perform this bit of palin stream-of-unconsciousness poetry. Especially the Norwegians who know the dykes part.

  18. Now if you're going to start bringing Norwegian dykes into it then it might well start getting entertaining. Personally I think Ms Palin is a great asset to the political debate. In fact I think every country should have their very own Palin. Once you see that anything you can say is a step up from that then debate becomes far more entertaining.

  19. How do these damn animals keep escaping from the zoo I'll never know....

    LORD am I glad that my poor late father didn't live long enough to see any of this insanity. He was a lead petroleum inspector with AOGCC until his death in 1995 and had many run-ins in the past with BP and their horrible safety record, not to mention them bilking the state out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by re-routing oil pipes around the flow monitors at their pumping stations on the Slope...

  20. So I read the transcript and then I watched 30 seconds and my brain shut off. I may no longer be Kat...(twitch)THREE LEGGED STOOL!!!

    Seriously, WTF? My daughter who spoke only gibberish until she was four, was a more effective (twitch) NORWEGIAN err, communicator.

    Can we throw technology at Palin?


  21. Reading that transcript gave me (aside from violent headaches and a nervous tick) a strange sense of De ja vu. After a bit of pondering, I realized that Palin's tortured english reminded me of Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky." I think she may have been locked in a room for years as a child with only that poem to keep her company. It would explain quite a bit. For those not familiar with one of the greatest nonsense poems in English Literature, read on:

    ’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
    All mimsy were the borogoves,
    And the mome raths outgrabe.

    “Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
    The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
    Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
    The frumious Bandersnatch!”

    He took his vorpal sword in hand:
    Long time the manxome foe he sought—
    So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
    And stood awhile in thought.

    And as in uffish thought he stood,
    The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
    Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
    And burbled as it came!

    One, two! One, two! and through and through
    The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
    He left it dead, and with its head
    He went galumphing back.

    “And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
    Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
    O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
    He chortled in his joy.

    ’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
    All mimsy were the borogoves,
    And the mome raths outgrabe.

    Come on now, tell me I'm wrong . . .

  22. You're wrong. The difference, Vagabond is that Lewis Carrol makes actual sense. To wit:

    Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble upon the wabe: i.e. it was a brilliant sunny day and the children danced and played upon on the grassy area around the sundial (you all do know what a wabe is, right?)

    Jaberwocky spoke in rhyme and measured meter, Palin speaks an obscure mixture of nonsense and brain damage commonly referred to in technical circles as "George Bush."

    Joking aside, shes does have the GWB disease. She's a dimwit who sneers at intellectuals but desperately wants to sound smart: note her repeated use of the word "entrepreneurial." She's not really sure what that means (she thinks it means something like "patriotic"), but it sounds good and her audience is unlikely to call her on it.

  23. Publication at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Man will be suspended until further notice.

    Because my head just exploded and I'm afraid that if I write something now, it will come out too Palin-esque, and I will be ousted from the UCF in a cloud of shame and loathing.


  24. The Palin Walk of Shame?


    There's an idea! I can think of an even dozen stars that belong on it already.

  25. Oh... I hurt.

    And not in a good way.

    But the comments were therapeutic. Jupiter, you say.

  26. So true Jim, so true. Carroll's poem was intended as an exercise in the communicative powers of meter and rhyme, independent of recognizable words. It required talent and intellect to write and is more entertaining to those who are smart enough to grasp the underlying premise. It works the opposite with Palin's comments. The more dense you are, the more sense she makes.

    That was actually my original point, but my execution was poor. Perhaps that was caused by Palin's tortured phrasing and syntax roaming around in my head and shorting out random synapses . . . I wonder how I can get to be known in the Norwegian? . . . see, there it goes again . . . Damn!

    manceso - the reason stuff happens in the house

  27. My favorite Sniglet: Irritainment. I think Rich Hall was thinking of future Sarah when he coined the term...


    C'mon - get a chant going.

    JUPIT-her! JUPIT-her!

  28. This is interesting. According to the Washington Post, the President accepted Canadian booms, Mexican skimmers and booms, Dutch Koseq sweeping arms and Norwegian skimming systems in May.

    A link to the article:

    I guess if you're Sarah Palin though, that equipment is a figment of our imagination.

    Now, I wish it had been accepted faster, however, I do respect the fact that President Obama is making BP pay for this, rather than the taxpayers ultimately footing the bill. If memory serves me correctly, no other President has been able to get money for the citizens affected from the company responsible in such a disaster.

  29. Well, since you brought it up, Joanna, a number of Republicans and conservatives are now criticizing Obama for that $20Billion eschrow fund, calling it un-American and a "shake-down" of business.

    Price, Barton criticize BP escrow account. Yep.

  30. Pat Buchannan just called the Barton/Price statement an "act of courage."


  31. So, the same people who don't want to approve any more spending for the economy don't want a company to pay for a disaster they caused. That's sad. Where is the money supposed to come from then? And 'legitimate wrongdoing'? What on earth is that?

  32. I try to avoid Mrs. Palin on all levels, but I read the transcript (while eating lunch, which soured me on my sandwich, which may mean the Palin Diet has a future).

    Anyway...I want to make sure I understand Mrs. Palin and the Norwegian (and if that isn't the title of her next TV series, there's no creativity left in Hollywood).

    She's saying that Obama's bad for not taking control and stopping the leak himself but too much government involvement is bad so he needs to rely on oil companies' expertise but all oil companies are liars but we shouldn't demonize the oil companies.

    I can't think about it anymore or my head will explode.

  33. OMFG.

    Jim, as I was eating lunch when I read this, and hence had my own barf bag handy, I can't contribute to the fundage.

    Your comments, as always, are spot-on. I'll even go to church with you if the Almighty comes down and bashes her about the head & shoulders with the aforementioned stone tablets of doom.

  34. re: Price, Barton
    "I don't want to live a country where ... legitimate wrongdoing [is] subjected to political pressure."

    I tried to come up with a comment that would increase the humour of that statement, but I failed utterly.

  35. Tim, I'm with you. The guy basically just out and out admitted that he's crooked, on the take, and in the pocket of industry and doesn't give a flying fuck about the people who elected him - and he doesn't want to live in a country where that's illegal.

    and I for one will be happy to help him pack and I'll even drive him down to the airport to catch his plane out of the country so that he can have his wish come true.

  36. And I'd give him five bucks for the 'sandwich' on the plane...

    More chuckling here

  37. Nick from the O.C.June 17, 2010 at 4:50 PM

    I'm confused. Did Ms. Palin say that the Dutch are known for their Norwegian dykes?

    So true, so true ....

    ingsh = Do you speak it, motherPalin?

  38. Great link, Karl.

    Nick, no no no, the Dutch are known in the Norwegian.

    I think it's a code.

  39. Not really knowing much about Alaskan politics and her ex-governors, the comment Bill O'Reilly made about her having the most experience of any governor in dealing with oil companies made me wonder:

    Are there no other living ex Alaskan governors? Maybe ones who finished a complete term?

  40. There's plenty of them, Joanna, including Frank Murkowski, father of Lisa Murkowski who is currently our senior senator (and utterly hated by Palin, who has come out in support of Joe Miller to oppose Murkowski in the primaries. Personally I can't stand either of them myself.)

    BUT, seriously?

    Texas, Oklahoma, and Louisiana all have much bigger oil industries than we do - that's why all the oil workers come from there and all the Oil Industry HQ's are in Dallas. Palin's pitiful <2years in the Governor's mansion in no way whatsoever makes her in any way "the most experienced" anything - hell, if she was that experienced, she would have had no trouble dealing with the criticism that forced her from office like cowardly bitch she is.

  41. What Palin was obviously trying to say is that the president lacks the entrepreneurial technology of the dyke and boom regulators who are the only ones who can protect the people and the freedom of the Norwegian teabaggers. Oh and the Dutch of course.

    Really WTF? How is it that an Anita Bryant wannabe, blow up Barbie like this actually continues to get airtime? I just don't get it.

    Iron Bess

  42. Iron Bess (and know that I truly love that handle), she continues to get air time because roughly 80%of the GOP are a bunch of pinch-faced racist assholes who hate the thought of anybody other than an old white guy in the White house. Add that to the whole "OMG! Liberals!" bit which 100% of the GOP suscribes to, and Obama is the perfect storm of End Times for these people - Palin is only saying what they want to hear. It doesn't matter how idiotic or how inane or how 8th grade snotty dumbassed cheerleader it sounds, as long as it's anti-Obama, she's going to get air time. Well, that and she has a pair of boobs.

    Which come to think of it, might explain Rush Limbaugh's appeal too...

  43. Jim have I mentioned that you have given me a big ole batch of hope for the human race? If you speak as well as you write you should start your own TV talk show, you'd be like a smarter version of Bill Maher. (And I love Bill Maher. And I think he is smart.)

    No I'm not trying to suck up, its just so refreshing to find pockets of sanity in the world that it makes me uncharacteristically gush all over the place.

    Iron Bess

    (I have to figure out how to sign up properly here...I'm not big into the net surfing and blogging so I don't know the proper etiquette for it, but your blog makes me want to be a better person. LOL)

  44. Bess, there are a number of ways to sign up.

    The easiest is if you have a gmail or Blogger account, you can sign in with that. Or simply click on the "follow" button over there on the right hand side of the Stonekettle Station main page and follow the directions.

    Or you can use the Name/URL selection on the commenting page instead of the Anonymous commenting function to enter your name on the top of the comment without actually having to create an account.

    If you have a webpage, LiveJournal, WordPress, AIM or AOL account you can use that to sign in under the "OpenID" option.

    Welcome aboard.

  45. Yes, Jim - in the world of blogging and Internet chatter, you complete me.


    Secret note to Iron Bess: This is not to make fun of you, just Jim, who thoroughly deserves to be ridiculed and poked. But not in a good way. Because I'm his straigt (wo)man. Welcome aboard, and all that.

  46. you complete me

    I do?

    Oh, yes, yes, I do. ;)

  47. But NASA's still got the budget to slam her into Jupiter, right?

    As the current Interim Jovian Ambassador, my I please suggest that you pick some other destination for your ... what did you call her ... oh, yeah:

    8th grade snotty dumbassed cheerleader

    Possible suggestions might include:

    Bettle Juice
    Ceti Alpha VI

    Or more appropriately, keep he/she/it a lille closer to home rather than subjecting the intelligent worlds of the universe to her twit - to wit:
    The Marianna Trench

    Thnxs Much


    In Disguise for a reason.

    reake: what she does naturally

  48. Well, I suppose we could always shoot her into the sun

  49. Now wait just one damn minute. Think about that. The cosmic consequence of that action is to terrible to contemplate!

    The laws of Karma (as I understand the concept) would dictate that we would all awake to the smiling face of herself shining down upon us from an eastern dawn each morning. Red sky at morning and all that. Could you really risk such a thing?

    Perhaps we could collaborate and find a means to launch her at a right angle to reality at the other son and destroy two mutually inane targets with one shot ...

    Naw. It'd never work.


    flycherd: what happens when it all hits the fan

  50. Well, then perhaps we could use her to plug up that hole in the bottom of the Gulf?

  51. Now, see what happens when intelligence is allowed to breath?

    She becomes the answer to her own question.

    Still have to figure out that "right angles to reality" bit though, 'cause I seriously doubt she'll volunteer to do it on her own volition.

    Me, again.

  52. She'll do it on her own.


    You just have to tell her that Obama is against it...

  53. Oh, I really like the suggestion for using her to plug the hole in the gulf. After all she has a skads of experience dealing with the oil companies.

    (Thanks for the welcome Janiece! I always make sure that my husband knows that I complete him as well.)

  54. "Going Dutch in the Norewgian: The Dyke and Boom Regulations"

    I for one do NOT want to see the Gov'mint in the dyke and boom regulation business!

    tersli: how we wish Sarah would speak, but every time she opens her mouth (every damn time!) she forgets to shut it again after a decent interval, so terse will never be used to describe her speech.


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