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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Rate This

Dear James Wright,
We've added Customer Ratings & Reviews to ___________.com!

Thank you for your recent purchase from ________.com.

_______.com knows we have the most knowledgeable customers and we value your feedback! Please take a couple of minutes to review the item(s) below. You will be contributing to the woodworking community with your valuable insight. It's easy to review a product, just click "Rate it!" and follow the on-screen prompts. With your help, Customer Ratings & Reviews will be a useful addition to __________.com. Thank you for being a customer and for sharing your opinions with us!
Sincerely,
Team __________

Your Recent Purchases:

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3/4"x 3/4" x 5" - Purpleheart

Rate it!

clip_image002clip_image002clip_image002clip_image002 Jim Wright: It’s a block of wood. As a block of wood, this block of wood met my expectations for wooden blocks. It was wood. It was a block. It was a block of wood.  This is like the surprise oral sex that you didn’t have to beg for of blocks of wood. This is the block of wood all other blocks of wood should be measured by.  I will treasure this block of wood for the rest of my life and I will certainly buy more blocks of wood from you in the future unless your competitors offer me blocks of wood at a better price, or surprise oral sex. I would have given this block of wood five stars because it is awesome, but I got a splinter.


Now my life is complete.

I’ve been asked to rate a block of wood.

Honestly, folks, what is the deal with this nonsense?

When the hell did we start having to rate everything?

I bought something from eBay a while back and for weeks afterward eBay and the seller pestered the shit out of me. Please rate me! Please rate me! Please rate your purchase! You have to rate your purchase!

You want a rating? I’ll give you a rating:

Seller was awesome. Prompt and reliable. It is extremely difficult to obtain unbaptized human child fat for use in ritualistic demon raising these days. I was reluctant to purchase online, but had no other options as local orphans have grown lean and difficult to catch. Seller was able to supply large quantities of buttery yellow baby lard at a reasonable price. Will definitely purchase from again!

Do these ratings actually matter? Will people read my review of a block of wood and say to themselves, “Hot Dog! I gotta get me some of that!”  And it’s not enough to submit of review of my purchasing “experience,” they’re after to me to tweet them up and like them on Facebook. It’s a block of wood. I make pens out of it. I ordered it from a supply house, I didn’t realize I was entering into a social compact with these people.

Where does this end?

- Charlie Sheen would like you to rate your date!

Capri Anderson: Negative Stars. Ended up naked and screaming in the hotel hall. Then had to make small talk with ex-wife and rug-rats while waiting for the cops! Did NOT get paid. WTF? Worst “date” ever. Boo. Would not date Charlie again.

 

- The Tea Party Express values your opinion. Please take a moment to share with us your recent public curbstomping experience by our jackbooted Storm Troopers!

Save the Whales:

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Awesome! Thugs very effective. Especially liked having my head crushed against the cement. Will always treasure the sound of my skull imploding. Concussion unexpected bonus. Will definitely picket Rand Paul again.

 

- Customer reviews of the new TSA Full Body Scan

Widestance:
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Requested the “pat down” (Hey, don’t judge me, a guy offers to fondle my balls in an airport, I’m all over that). Got scanned instead. This is blatant bait and switch TSA.

P.S. The pictures are a total rip off, I couldn’t even make out the naughty bits.

 

 

 


 

Note: If you read and enjoyed this post, please take a moment to fill out our online survey.

Or we will hound you for the rest of your miserable life.

14 comments:

  1. A+++ Post was quickly delivered via internet. Even though there were moments of slightly nonstandard grammar, would read other blog posts from this author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. JimStonekettle: I rated you well. I await your rating of my comment, as I intend to comment upon other blogs and they will of course note my percentages before responding. As this is the first blog post I have rated, my 100% positive score is at stake. Please don't cause me to withdraw my positive rating of your blog post, because I will. Oh, yes, I will.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sharon Finnegan TerleskiOctober 29, 2010 at 12:32 AM

    Kewl. That's totally my whole experience. And vocabulary. By the way (BTW) didn't find the rating form and had to actually use *words*. Here. Would've given you 5 stars, but I didn't find them, either.

    ReplyDelete
  4. *

    If this comment let me leave no stars I would.

    This post was okay until it got political. Why does some blogger think I care about his POLITICS when I just want to be ENTERTAINED, not LECTURED by some guy who gets paid to write a BLOG? I am so sick and tired of bloggers and other celebrities acting like their half-assed opinions are more important than anyone else's. First Sean Penn and now THIS. Hey, Mr. Wright I come here to see a BLOG not get lectured about what you THINK about stuff! BLOGGERS SHOULD KEEP THEIR OPINIONS TO THEMSELVES!!!

    You should stick to pictures of ShopKat, because that's obviously what you're good at. AND NO MORE LIBERAL POLITICS OR I'LL STOP BUYING YOUR BLOG!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. That couldn't have been an eBay rating -- it was more than 80 characters. That said, it would be nice to have longer reviews. (evil grin)

    Dr. Phil

    ReplyDelete
  6. 0 stars. Like I care what some libtard has to say.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This post only deserves 3 stars. Author did not praise the wood grain sufficiently to merit the high ratting given.

    Jim

    ReplyDelete
  8. So let me get this straight, you got surprise oral sex from a block of wood, it gave you a splinter, and you still rated it 4 stars?

    You kinky bass turd.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I rate this review of rating 4 stars, as the reviewing rater was rating the review of the ratings issued under the review format was not sufficiently reviewed so rating was reduced incorrectly. Will rate reviews by the reviewing rater with upgraded (3.7) version of Rating Reviews (rated 3 stars by Renegade Review Raters, LLC) and thus rate the reviews and the reviewing rater under these new rating reviews ratings under the current reviewer ratings as *****.

    I'm off to bid on blocks of wood,
    just so I can rate them. Splinters are optional, oral sex would increase the rating to 10 stars.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Given that, by the poster's own rating system, the "surprise oral sex" of blocks of wood would only rate four stars, the post can receive no more than three stars. Amusing. Perhaps even day-brightening. But not sexually gratifying.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You wood-block-lovin' commie pinko liberal fascist preverts always care about what someone "thinks" your so afraid to stand up for youre own rites. Thats why America is in teh shape its' in.

    Obumma and the Democraps haven't took away my right to rate your post, it is my God-given right under the First Commandment to refuse to comment on such obvious liberal pandering.

    You'll get yours when in 2 days Real Americans will take back our country. We'll be a Christian nation again, the way the founding Fathers said.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey Jim that looks like an awessome block of wood, where can i get one

    ReplyDelete
  13. I voted Whoot (not to be confused with woot.com, no flying monkeys in your post that I noticed) because I don't want you showing up on my door step with your 12 gauge shot gun! I hope this rating meets with your approval as this blog rocks! Next time you need a block of wood, I suggest you try some of that forest you're surrounded with there in Alaska. :D

    ReplyDelete

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