Well, at last, Democrats and Republicans have buried the hatchet and are making real bipartisan efforts to fix America's problems. At last they've put aside their bickering to work on the things real Americans are concerned about. Rep Heath Shuler, D-NC and Rep Walter Jones, R-NC are pushing the Family Friendly Flights Act. You know it's a good law, when it's got a catchy title.
"The airlines have chosen to put our children in a situation that I don't feel comfortable with," said Shuler.
They are, of course, talking about movies on airplanes. Oh God, the horror, the horror! The crux of the FFFA being that these two dipshits want the airlines to create "Kid Friendly" areas on each commercial plane.
ATTENTION NORTH CAROLINA IDIOTS: here's a better idea, let's pass an act that creates passenger friendly areas on airplanes.
Between the endless Gordian knot of asinine government regulations we already have, and the out and out incompetence and stupidity of the air carriers, air travel is one of the most irritating, aggravating, and miserable trials of modern life. Rep. Shuler isn't comfortable with the situation? I'd be willing to bet my next airline "snackbox" that he's a hell of a lot more comfortable up there in first class than I am back in the livestock section. Hey, Shuler, when was the last time you tried shoehorning your giant pro-football playing ass into one of those coach class seats? When was the last time you bought tickets a month in advance, reserving an isle seat because you've got knee and shoulder problems from defending your country and not your million dollar NFL career - only to check in and find out you've been moved into a middle seat because some fucking amateur sports team decided to change flights at the last minute and the plane is full of juiced-up teenagers and we're so sorry? I'm curious, Representative Jones, when was the last time you checked in for the redeye home with your children, only to be told by some check-in counter robot refugee from the DMV that, oopsy, we oversold the flight. But, hey, we'll put you on standby for the next flight. That next flight being 6 hours later. I'm curious, you two vote-pandering Congressional jackasses (yes, I know that's redundant), when was the last time you booked seats in advance for a family trip, checked in online, printed the adjoining tickets - and got to the airport only to find that the airline has reassigned your family to three widely separated seats (all of them middle seats) for some unknown reason? I have to wonder when these two privileged jerkoffs have had to stand for an hour with their kid in the TSA security line, so some former mall-cop Gestapo wannabe can check their shoes and make sure they don't have any of that dangerously explosive bottled water on them. These two morons should try sitting in an overloaded, poorly maintained piece of Boeing crap with over-flowing toilets and screaming kids on the tarmac at O'Hare for fours hours because the plane can't take off and the pilots aren't allowed to return to the terminal.
You want to make air travel better for children? Let's pass a law that allows passengers delayed by airline incompetence to camp out overnight at the airline CEO's house, and Mrs CEO has to fix them breakfast the next morning. I guaren-goddamm-tee you she'd make sure those people got where they were going on time. Let's pass a law that sends the airline board of directors to one of those secret CIA prisons in Bulgaria every time their reservation department "overbooks" a flight. I mean seriously, how hard is it? You've got 150 seats, you sell no more than a 150 tickets. This isn't rocket science, my 6th grader can figure this out. They can sure as hell do enough math to calculate their million dollar annual bonuses, they can do the seat math. The average American's ass gets wider by at least an inch a year, yet airline seat width is retreating faster than the Greenland ice sheet. Let's pass a law that mandates that the ergonomics of airline executives' office chairs must match those of their airline coach seats exactly, inch for inch. Make the seats better, you get a better office chair, otherwise you can suffer, bitch. Let's make a law that says every single time an airline imprisons it's paying customers in an airplane stuck on the runway for more than two hours because of "weather" or some other such bullshit, the children of every FAA employee are rounded up, put in a small room with one overflowing port-O-potty and no air conditioning until the situation is resolved.
Seriously, this is the top priority in North Carolina? Here's a real idea: let's let the free market sort it out. People who don't want their kids exposed to online movies should get together and petition the airlines. Don't take your kids on airlines that show gay snuff porn (seriously though, what the hell airlines are these people flying on? The last three flights I've been on have shown Shrek III, Night in the Museum, and The Astronaut Farmer.) Eventually major carriers will take a lesson from Alaskan Airlines, they don't show movies, they rent "Digi-players" at four bucks a pop. It's basically a portable DVD player with a variety of programming, you put on the ear phones and watch whatever the hell you want, when you want. Simple, easy, popular, no laws required - unfortunately, it's low profile so there's not enough controversy for Representatives to grandstand their way into the "Outraged Parent" voting demographic.
Listen Shuler and Jones, please, go back to doing nothing about the war and leave the rest of us alone. Oh, and somebody get me another bag of peanuts.
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