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Friday, May 6, 2011

Scooby-Logic

 

Now that we got Osama bin Laden, we need to do something about Obama bin Hussein!

(It’s cold and raining and shitty the way only spring in Alaska can be.  I’m standing on the concrete apron in front of a huge old hanger with the roar of military jets echoing periodically off the towering doors. They say the screaming roar of jet  fighters is the sound of freedom, but the Raptors are grounded today and these are cargo planes so the sound is more like the Delivery Trucks of Freedom instead.  There’s cold water dripping down my back and every broken bone, sprain, and injury I’ve ever had is clamoring for attention in the damp chill – this tends to make me even more irritable than usual. I’m waiting for a guy. He’s late. While I wait, I’m stuck talking to a couple of maintenance types I shall henceforth refer to as Blowhard and Dude)

Me: Say what now? (Argh! Brain to mouth, what the hell are you doing? Are you mad? Don’t encourage him! Disengage! Disengage!)

Blowhard: The terrorist in the White House, Barry bin Hussein. (Ah. Yes. At this point a wise man would have faked a phone call and gone to sit in the car, or maybe thrown himself into one of the huge roaring turbines of a taxiing C-17. I am not a wise man. Alas)

Me: Ah, I see. Well at least you got his name correct. More or less. (Insert eye roll, derisive head shake, and mocking grimace).

Blowhard: Heh heh. Yeah that’s … wait, what? (He suddenly realizes that I’m mocking him and not agreeing with his assessment of the President)

Me: Bin, from the Persian root ibin, means “son of.”  Barry bin Hussein therefore would be “Barack, son of Hussein.” (I tend to drop into lecture mode when confronted with booger eaters, mouth breathers, and people who haunt abandoned amusement parks. Sue me)

Blowhard: Whatever. More like “son of a bitch” if you ask me. (See, that’s just it, I didn’t ask (except, of course, I sort of did. Stupid mouth). I was looking to do a hanger survey and got sucked into this conversation. I wish I’d have gotten sucked into an airplane engine instead)

Dude:  Well, at least they got bin Laden.  (Unlike the pessimistic Blowhard, Dude is a glass half full kind of guy)

Blowhard: Yeah, and fucking Barry’s taking credit for it! (Hmmm, maybe instead of throwing myself into a turbine… Say is that Sarah Palin naked? Shove! It could work)

Me: Let me ask you a question, if the mission had gone all Jimmy Carter, you know crashed and burned in the desert with the SEALs dead instead of heroes, would that have been Obama’s fault?

Dude: Uh…

Blowhard: Oh fu-uck. (He makes this kind of shuddery dismissive gesture. He reminds me of somebody, but I can’t quite put my finger on it)

Me: Come on, it’s not a trick question.  If the mission failed and bin Laden had escaped, you would have blamed Obama. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t. Right? (It’s right on the tip of my tongue. I think it’s his little shitty goatee)

Blowhard: No. Maybe. Well, okay, but it is his responsibility! (Ah. I’ve got it. Blowhard sort of reminds me of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, only not as bright).

Dude: Exactly!   (If Blowhard is Scooby, and if you squint your eyes in the pouring rain, Dude might be Daphne. Maybe I’ll get lucky and somebody will kidnap him)

Me: Yes. It is his responsibility as president. He could have ordered an airstrike. The Air Force could have nuked the place from orbit, or the Navy could have dropped a Tomahawk on it.  Obama could have backed off, and asked the Pakistanis to do it.  Bin Laden was hiding within their sovereign territory and by law that’s what the President should have done. Going in we violated a couple of treaties and our status of forces agreement.  If the mission had gone bad, the team would have been caught red handed in clear violation of international law. If you win, well, nobody argues with success. If you screw the pooch, well, then we’ve committed an act of naked aggression within the borders of a foreign ally and we’ve got to ask pretty please for the bodies of our people and our classified equipment back. But the risk is much worse than that. See, the SEALs went into that compound on the orders of the President. An operation that big, there’d be absolutely no way to deny that the President was involved.  If it goes bad it’s an act of war. On an ally. 

Blowhard: Fuck ‘em. Fuck Pakistan. (honestly, I don’t know why Shaggy isn’t working high up in the State Department as a diplomat instead of wasting his international policy acumen as a low-level wrench turner in remote Alaska)

Me: You’re just not getting it.  Obama, Instead of playing it safe, instead of taking the conservative approach, he chose the high risk mission – the one with the biggest payoff for the United States.  We could have bombed the compound without risking a single American life – but we would have never known if we got bin Laden for certain.  Then Al Qaeda could have claimed that bin Laden was still alive and we couldn’t have proven otherwise. They could have also said the house was nothing but a daycare center full of fat happy babies or kitten factory or some such.  And dropping HE on a target has side effects. Remember, it was a residential neighborhood, we’d have probably killed a lot of innocents in the surrounding houses.

Dude:  Yeah, but…

Me: If you finish that sentence with “…they’re just towel-heads” I’m going to toss you into a jet engine.  We’re the good guys. Blowing people up in their sleep and not giving a fuck about killing innocents and non-combatants and women and kids is what people like bin Laden do.  If you remember right, that’s exactly how this thing started. (I shouldn’t have to keep explaining this to Americans)

Blowhard: Okay. Fine. But it’s not like Obama was out there with the SEALs. The guy never even served.

Me: What’s that got to do with it? If the Founders thought that was important, they’d have put it in the Constitution. Look, you were in the Army, what? One tour?  Long enough to know that the senior man is responsible. Period.  Obama, as President, assumed the risk of command.  He assumes the risk, it’s his responsibility. This isn’t just some bullshit idea, it’s the law as defined by the Constitution.  As Commander in Chief, he decided how the mission would be carried out and he assumed the risk for it.  He gets the blame if it goes wrong, but that also means he gets credit if it goes right. 

Blowhard: Then Bush should get credit too.  He did more to find bin Laden than Obama.

Dude: Yeah! (No, not Daphne, more like Scrappy-Doo or maybe Scooby-Dum)

Me: Seriously?  Again, if the mission had failed, would you say that Bush shares the blame with Obama? Never mind, don’t hurt yourself thinking about it.  Bush deserved credit the same way the previous coach of a Championship football team deserves credit for when the team wins the Super Bowl.

Blowhard: I don’t follow you. (This? Yes, this is my surprised Velma face)

Me: Look, if a coach spends eight years building a team, but never goes to the championships, then retires and you take over and two years later you take the team all the way to the Super Bowl, who gets credit?  You might give the first guy a hat tip for leaving you a great team, but it was you who got them to the gold ring. It doesn’t matter how much the previous guy wanted it, or how much he cared.  He never went all the way. You’re the coach, it’s your victory.  Bush hasn’t been the coach for two years, this was Obama’s show.  If you’re going to give Bush credit, why not give credit to the frogmen in WWII from which the SEALs originated? Or the UDTs in Vietnam?  Or Kennedy for having the foresight to listen to Admiral Burke? (not that I’d actually expect either of these lugnuts to know who Arleigh Burke was)

Dude: I get what you’re saying, man. But they should give credit to the SEALs instead of Obama.  (No. What “they” should do is make a law that lets you taze stupid people. Repeatedly. Right in the Mystery Machine. Just sayin’)

Me: Look, if you give credit to the coach of a winning team, does that take credit away from the quarterback?

Dude: No, I guess not. (This guy’s brain is like a spawned-out salmon, gray and wet and rotten around the edges. Bludgeon it enough and it finally stops flopping)

Me: Same thing.  (Jesus Fucking Christ, where is the guy I’m waiting for? Did he get sucked into a jet engine? Scooby-Doo, where are you?)

Blowhard: Yeah. Whatever. We got him.  It only took twenty years, it’s time for Barry to quit grandstanding.  Gas is five dollars out in the Valley! (speaking of football, who just moved the goalposts? Zoinks! It’s weird old Mr Jenkins, the airport maintenance man!)

Dude: Exactly!  It’s five dollars! When’s Oblamo going to do something about that? (And I’d have gotten away with it to, if it wasn’t for you rotten kids!)

Me: So, you guys are communists then?

Dude: (looks at me like I said “gay” instead of “communist”)

Blowhard:  (looks at me like I just said “gay liberal vegetarian tree-hugging evolutionist who gives $5 hummers at the truck stop” instead of commie.”)

Me: Because, you know, that’s what it is when the government controls the price of stuff.  Marxism. (Rut roe, Shaggy!)

Blowhard: The president can lower the price of gas if he wants to!  He just doesn’t want to.

Me: Again, I don’t think you understand the concept of a free market. You’re saying that the president sets the price of commodities like gasoline?  I’m pretty sure that’s not how capitalism works. (Seriously, do they not teach this stuff in school anymore? Do they spend all day watching cartoons?)

Dude: Yeah, but he can do stuff to force the oil companies to lower their prices! (Scoooby Scooby Doooo!)

Me: Stuff? What kind of stuff? (It’s cartoon magic! All the problems solved in thirty minutes minus time for commercials and a Scooby-Snack!)

Blowhard: Hey, there’s your guy coming through the gate.

Me: Jinkies!

Blowhard: What?

Me: Nothing, it’s about time.

 

 

I was more of a Johnny Quest fan, love that science and logic stuff.

I never much cared for Scooby-Doo.

Now I remember why.

62 comments:

  1. During the Civil War, General George McClellan did an excellent job of building and training the Army of the Potomac, but he couldn't fight with it. He blew opportunity after opportunity to effectively end the Civil War, and once sat not far from Richmond for so long that President Lincoln remarked "If General McClellan does not want to use the army, I would like to borrow it for a time." Remind you of anyone?

    And I loved Jonny Quest (yes, that's how his first name is actually spelled), but I loved Scooby Doo even more. There was a reason those two were always hungry. A very good and mellow reason.

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  2. I just found a new favorite blog. Awesome!

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  3. Pretty well written article, what do you think about the photos not being released?

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  4. And after a conversation like that don't you feel like you just ran a marathon, in a soaking wet track suit, and cement sneakers?!! That's the way I feel and honestly, I don't think it ever seeps in - it just evaporates as their overheated brains try to reboot - right back into that safe ignorant rut they were in 30 minutes ago.

    But hey, I'll give you credit for trying and not shouting into their face "What are you a fucking moron!?!" - Hedgewytch

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  5. Oh I loved it you are a writer god that was good

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  6. I take time to explain things to ignorant people too. I get a lot of similar responses. What's sad is to work with and in strictly social things I like 'em. I question my taste. Sigh.

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  7. If I were a pilot, I'd ask to make sure they weren't on my crew. I'd really like to keep the wings on the plane. And it sounds like these two would have a hard time figuring out why that was a good idea.

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  8. Great post! Definitely want to read more of your writing.

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  9. And that's why we can't have our flying cars!

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  10. hey that was a very good insight and yes President Obama deserves credit on that - more so than I'd realized. The coach analogy is not a perfect one but still workable. On the oil issue however, I disagree. We restrict drilling permitting an oligopoly in the world market, and stymie the addition of one single refinery after (apologize I don't know how ) so many years, NO the free market does NOT solely control the price of the commodity - if your "friends" are dumb, sorry about that, I've heard some pretty dumb liberals too (well of course we should be having all this cold weather! If it's globally warming it has to be colder too somewhere)

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  11. Wonderful article.
    (and I love your woodturning pieces as well)

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  12. You've perfectly captured the essence of how I feel about this. Thank you from Dallas, Texas. Totally Awesome!

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  13. You are a lot more understanding of mouth breathers than I am, I was trying to explain to people at work about how this came about and how the man at the top
    took the risks and gets the credit (along with that simply AWESOME team of SEALS and their puppies!), but I failed to pierce the void. You can't fill a black hole.

    Sigh. Love your work.

    knittingbull

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  14. Anonymous@0559: Read the conversation again. I never said nor implied that oil companies don't have some influence over the price of gasoline.

    What I actually said was the president doesn't control the price of gasoline at the pump.

    $5 per gallon gas is the price you pay in a free market economy that's scared shitless. If you don't like it, don't buy it - isn't that what the laissez faire Ayn Rand libertarians who control the Tea Party keep telling us?

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  15. Patrick in DallasMay 6, 2011 at 7:08 PM

    For many people, especially in the rural areas of the country, their lives are much easier when reality is krpt on the back burner. I live in Dallas TX, and when I travel outside of our city's blue bubble into the red zones of the state, I am shocked at what passes as truth and reality. Falxe "news" has really done a number on our collective IQ's.

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  16. I do like the post, but as a Scooby fan am somewhat offended. The plot of almost every Scooby cartoon is that somebody reports seeing ghosts and/or monsters. The Mystery Gang shows up and proves that the ghosts were really robots or guys in costumes.
    Scooby Doo is about questioning everything and arriving at rational conclusions. Plus, Daphne is a dynamic combination of brains, femininity, and confidence and in no way deserves your insult. I challenge you to find better role models for a young girl than Velma and Daphne.

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  17. Great blog! I came across the link as a post by filthy liberal scum or one of the legion of similar pages I follow and thought I had found a good new read. Being something of an obsessive when I find a new interest, I dove into past posts of yours and "the rules" and finally figured out that I had read you before when another of my facebook favorites posted "America: You keep using that word..."

    I've subscribed and am following you now.
    Thanks
    ~Jeff

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  18. Well done!! I'm in Sydney, Australia. 3 kookaburras, with exquisite timing, laughed at an appropriate point in your article. I fled America 22 years ago because rural Michigan is 80% populated by the likes of Dude and Blowhard.

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  19. Anthony DohertyMay 6, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    Good post. I did read the comment rules, and am especially glad to make the acquaintance of a warrant officer. In my USN days (I-can't count-that-high years ago)I was in an office run by a CWO, a man who loved the Navy as none I ever met, before and after. And he had the courage of his convictions. We had a reservist in our unit, a PIO office, doing his active duty time, who was already a well-known radio-TV personality. (Okay, it was Willard Scott). CWO Dignan brought Willard into his office and told him, "Scott, radio's not for you," and went on to explain to Willard why his destiny was a career in the US Navy. And he genuinely believed it. Now Willard was the most unmilitary person you can imagine. I remember a Captain's Inspection, with maybe a couple thousand sailors at attention on the parade field. And there was Willard. Bozo the Clown. All the rest of the troops were in correct uniform. Willard was in a sailor costume. Understand that all the details were correct, but on Willard they just didn't add up. I remember the inspecting officer looking Willard up and down, recognizing that something was wrong here, but unable to figure out what it was. Part of it was that Willard couldn't (or wouldn't) get the appropriate deer-in-the-headlights look on his face that was expected on such occasions.

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  20. @Anthony, that is a great story. Thanks for sharing it

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  21. Wonderful. Just brilliant.

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  22. I think I'm in love........honestly, I don't know how you survived that conversation without poking your eyes out with a rusty nail or eating a bullet or stabbing yourself with a sharp instrument or throwing yourself in front of oncoming traffic. It's mind numbing trying to educate the nitwits because there are, quite simply, far too many of them sitting around taking up space. Kudos to you for trying!

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  23. Thanks for the post. I knew you would have something interesting to say about this.

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  24. Ah, I loved this. Leave it to a Salty Sea-dog to bring some logic and Critical Thinking to a Argument. BZ!

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  25. I was laughing so hard that I spit out some of my pizza! My dog grabbed it. You owe me a pizza! Still laughing.. I am pretty sure, no one would have REALLY missed them.

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  26. Small world.
    I had a very similar conversation today. I usually avoid certain people and their simple minds, but this particular simpleton was pissing me off, so I engaged. I was not as eloquent. It exhausted me yet made the boss chuckle, so it was a wash.

    Another good one chief, keep up the good work.

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  27. The stoopidity runs deep in those two.

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  28. Good god man, have you been looking over my shoulder over the past few days? I have had this *exact* conversation. You're only missing the "fun" addition of the "Obsama's been dead for 7 years" conspiracy theory for good measure. I thought my head might explode.

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  29. Brilliant, just brilliant! I laughed so hard my side hurt. I then had to share it on my FB page for all the (insert colorful adjective here) friends and relatives who have been grumbling the same things Blowhard and Dude were saying. Not that it will change their, to borrow your phrase, "spawned-out salmon brains." :)

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  30. That terrifying, post op moment of truth after general anesthesia when they bring you around and take that plastic tube out of your throat launching you back into consciousness is why I try to avoid surgery at any cost--but I really do have to see someone about having this magnet in my head taken out that attracts stupid people. I can't take it any more! Enjoyed this blog, which reassured me I'm certainly not alone with my anxiety.

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  31. Leslie in FloruduhMay 7, 2011 at 2:57 AM

    That made my day! I'd love to take you to work with me for a day. I work with a bunch of Scoobies.

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  32. So glad a friend posted your site. Kind of scary, though, to face so much intelligence; I'm not used to all this logic, and mixed with humor, no less! As someone else commented, I just may be in love! My dad was just like you, and he was a hell of a guy! Your comment about wishing you could Taser stupid people -- wonderful! However, if we few with brains joined together to eliminate all the stupid people in the world -- even if we just tried to wipe out the dopes in THIS country -- we'd never finish that job, especially because they keep on breeding! I'll be visiting here regularluy, if you don't mind!

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  33. Jim, you certainly gave Blowhard & Dude something to think about. And I do hope that they *are* thinking about it.

    I normally only sign my 1st name, but I see that I share that with the poster above. So I will now be "Marlene in PA".

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  34. Jim Wright said...
    What I actually said was the president doesn't control the price of gasoline at the pump.
    ---
    Explaining the obvious never ends, does it?

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  35. Jet engine. Yes - what an elegant, all purpose solution.

    Although I have to admit that I have a certain amount of "fuck Pakistan" going on myownself. Publicly available evidence strongly implies they've been complicit with both the Taliban and al Qaeda for quite some time, while simultaneously standing their with both greedy hands out, reaching for our foreign aid. While a unilateral "fuck off" probably isn't the best diplomatic position (at least until the President determines we're done in Afghanistan), I think a spanking may be in order.

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  36. Go Navy! That rocked. I definitely like your thinking and writing. The whole Scooby thing was brilliant. I always feel like I have fallen down the rabbit hole in those conversation. I throw things on the floor and pick them up to walk away when I can't take it anymore.

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  37. Do you think the far left will call for Obama to be brought up on war crimes for violating international law or will they look the other way because it's their guy? You know the far right would've put Bush right next to Reagan as the greatest presidents in history if HE had completed this operation. I hate hypocrisy from both extremes.

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  38. You are much more patient than I am. Unfortunately, my line of work brings me in contact with folks like this on a daily basis. Not only that, but our work rules forbid discussing politics with our clients, so I just have to listen to them go on and on with their Faux Nuze propaganda and can't say anything. But I am still allowed to think anything I like! LOL

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  39. "Blowhard: Oh fu-uck. (He makes this kind of shuddery dismissive gesture. He reminds me of somebody, but I can’t quite put my finger on it)"

    Would that be The Donald?

    Do I get points on my answer?

    JaneE

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  40. I love how you explained the word "bin" used in a name. I know that from Arabian Horse breeding. Breeders have traditionally put that on a valued horse's name to keep track of the family trees. Modern American breeders do the same thing, they just use a part of the parent's name in their baby foal's name. An experienced horseman can figure out who bred a horse, or what lines the horse has, by reading the name.

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  41. Controlling gas prices in communism. So now the meme is that Obama hates America because he is not willing to do something only a communist country would do.

    The stupid it burns. There is no hope for these people. As long as there is 30% of the population who will ALWAYS vote Republican even if they put an R in front of a garden tool, America is doomed

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  42. Excellent. Am posting this to my FB. Had a similar conversation yesterday.

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  43. Go forth and hotlink, Minions. And thanks.

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  44. This makes me just wanna hug you. :) I think my fiancee and I found a new blog to read.

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  45. I am not opposed to hugging, however I draw the line at ass-slapping

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  46. Jim:

    Great article. Too bad so many of the posters here have had to suffer through similar assaults. I have a couple acquaintances (note I didn’t say friends) who are cuts of the same cloth as Blowhard and Dude. I can handle them on a one to one basis but I never face off with them if they are together. Because I’m well into my 80’s I simply don’t have the strength anymore, and appropriate counter-zingers don’t come on command either. They play off each other’s ignorance and soon I’m shut out and become merely an observer as the chaos theory kicks in. But lately I’ve learned that I can drive them bonkers by linking them to your site. You’ll be glad to know that they get all bug-eyed and red faced whenever I do that.

    Thank for the backup Jim. You are my new hero. Keep up the good work.

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  47. question from a dumbass (me)...

    what specifically did Pres. Kennedy listen to Adm. Burke on? I did quick search it, and found alot on Burke, but nothing related to Kennedy. It looked like Burke had retired about the time the Kennedy took office, so I'm thinking its something Burke mentioned as a personal advisor kind of thing.

    thanks!

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  48. Jim, isn't ass-slapping and essential part of football victory? Just teasing.

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  49. It seems that many of us are having the same type of conversation with the droolers who can't find one damn thing to appreciate about our President. I remain in love with you Jim, and that huzzy Disha can get in line behind me! Auni

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  50. I admire your brain and your willingness to employ it in the face of rampant stupidity.

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  51. Sheila, not lurking,May 7, 2011 at 3:31 PM

    Janiece said, "Jet engine. Yes - what an elegant, all purpose solution."

    No, Janiece. NO!

    If stupid people continue to be pushed into jet engines, then eventually one of the aviation safety groups will request a white paper from the boffin I work for. Research grants will be awarded, jet engine modifications will be designed, simulated pedestrian/jet engine collision scenarios will be performed, and I will be required to help write the technical papers documenting the whole mess.

    Please, Jim, do NOT, under any circumstances, do this to me!

    {Jim is going to use the word "boffin" in a sentence this week, yes he will.}

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  52. The perfect illustration for your awesomely excellent dialogue:

    http://www.bobcesca.com/blog-archives/2011/05/cartoon_open_th_30.html

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  53. You have far more patience than I would have had, Jim. Well done, sir, well done!

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  54. Jim, ZING! You score big again!

    Also get a kick out of reading the comments of your minions, er, I mean readers. Really enjoying all the new readers' comments.

    Watched Johnny Quest as a little girl, but never liked Scooby-Doo.

    Hugging is a little too mushy for me; I prefer ass-slapping.

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  55. Nick from the O.C.May 9, 2011 at 5:49 PM

    I remember the first season of Scooby-Doo. I was NOT a big fan. But then, as I grew older, I realized the seemingly childish cartoon was a great way to teach tolerance.

    Tolerance for those who abuse drugs (Shaggy). Tolerance for homosexuals (Fred). Tolerance for nerds (Velma). And tolerance for interspecies love (Scooby and Shaggy).

    And Daphne? She's hawt, dude. Nobody ever needed to teach me tolerance for hawt redheads.

    Great show, great piece.

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  56. Can I use that "spawned out salmon" line, or is it copyrighted or something? I'm a new reader, but will definitely be coming back for more. Like Vince, I loved both Jonny and Scooby. My husband has the hots for Velma. Should I be worried?

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  57. Jonny Quest had a *much* better theme song anyhow :).

    My congratulations or condolences on your attempt to use logic with Dim and Dimmer. You likely had no long-term effect, but now you have further data points as to how Ted Nugent "thinks" (i.e., repetition of macho talking points from Rush Limpy Thingy and The O'Really Factor). I tend to not get into those discussions myself because I'm way not as patient as you... I guess it's the Cajun in me. Though there's folks that I've interacted with long-term that I'll get into that kind of discussion, they know me, they respect my intelligence, they're willing to listen... but most people aren't willing to listen, and become quite annoyed if you ask them to. Siiigh.... WASF.

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  58. Jim, once again you waste logic and definitions on those who can neither understand nor change...

    Not that the effort shouldn't be made. It's like the Gunny yelling at people charging the position to stop or I'll open fire.

    It's merely fair warning before you light them up.

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  59. Excellent post!

    For a minute there, I was a bit afraid you were up to your ascot in hypocritical morons. But you sure pulled the mask off at the end and exposed them as members of the Teabagging Express.

    Time for a Scooby snack!

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  60. Dude. (no- not yr Scrappy guy- think more Cohen bros).
    You need another "reaction" option: I nearly peed myself.
    Ok, so maybe I do that a lot more often now after pregnancy #2, (sorry, tmi), but SERIOUSLY. Peeworthy.

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