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Monday, August 24, 2009

Ask Stonekettle Station

Today’s Google Search Phrase:  Did Mr. Bobbit’s penis work after being reattached?

We’re glad you asked.

Honestly we were starting to wonder if any of you actually knew what the internet was invented for.  Before the magic of instantaneous global communications and access to all the collected knowledge of the human race, you’d just have to wonder what Brittney’s Girl Gadget looked like, you’d have no access to penguin/crabapple/Cheney slash porn,  and you’d never know the fate of John Bobbit’s Hobbit. 

This, my friends, is why the Internet exists.

 

Did Mr. Bobbit’s penis work after being reattached?

Short answer: No, after its unemployment benefits ran out, it went on welfare and never worked again.

Longer answer lasting more than four hours: Mr. Bobbitt’s penis never worked reliably again – though this was not exactly a hard and fast rule.  As you know the penis attempted to sever all ties with Mr. Bobbitt. However, after its failed attempt to strike out on its own, and icy return to its original owner which left it in stitches, the penis was so traumatized – cut to the quick you might say and scarred by its experience – that it was never up to its previous stature.  For a while it worked intermittently as a turtleneck model, but it quickly plumbed the depths of that life. It tried singing, even cutting an album, but the critics said its performance was flaccid and lacked staying power. The penis limped along for while, pissed at the world, hanging out here and there, feeling exposed and deflated.  Increasingly it needed drugs just to get up in the morning, but the pills left it feeling wooden. Eventually it plunged into society’s seamy underbelly and worked briefly in amateur porn – but the competition was stiff and no one would pay it even lip service.    Rejected by society’s rigid expectations and stiff-necked disdain, the penis was on the brink of suicide when suddenly opportunity was thrust upon it.  The penis discovered others like itself, the ones society saw only as worthless dicks. After rubbing shoulders with others of its kind, it found that it could handle itself in public.  Eventually it found a job in broadcasting.  A lot of  people still think it’s still nothing but a stubby little jerkoff, and some days it feels a little Rushed so to speak, but you really couldn’t call what it does work.

 

Glad we here at Stonekettle Station could help, that’s what we’re here for. Hope that answers your question, dickhead.

27 comments:

  1. That's it. I am never ever ever reading this blog before coffee ever again.

    Well, until tomorrow.

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  3. BINGO!

    What, weren't we playing "Penis Phrase" Bingo?

    Damn, now I need to find another game.

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  4. "The penis discovered others like itself, the ones society saw only as worthless dicks."

    Is this a reference to Cheney? ;-)

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  5. FOR IMMEDIATE PUBLIC RELEASE:

    WHANGO MONGO BERNHEIM LLC IS PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE FOLLOWING ACTS HAVE BEEN SIGNED FOR ROCKSTOCK 2009:

    THE DEATH PANEL OVERLORDS
    EBOLA SUNRISE
    JOHN BOBBITT'S HOBBIT
    PALIN BACHMANN OVERDRIVE
    MY LARGE HADRON COLLIDER

    WMB HOPES TO ANNOUNCE EVEN MORE ACTS SOON.

    ROCKSTOCK, THE NATION'S PREMIERE MUSIC FESTIVAL, WAS FOUNDED IN BOISE, IDAHO IN 2006 AND HAS BEEN HELD EVERY YEAR SINCE WITH THE EXCEPTION OF 2006, 2007 AND 2008. ROCKSTOCK BRINGS THE BEST BANDS IN THE WORLD TO THE ROCKINGEST GREATER METROPOLITAN AREA IN THE UNITED STATES.

    WHANGO MONGO BERNHEIM LLC WAS FOUNDED IN 2007 WITH ONE PURPOSE IN MIND: THE LOVE OF ROCK AND ROCKING. ALL THREE PARTNERS IN WMB HAVE LONGSTANDING CONNECTIONS TO THE MUSIC INDUSTRY AS PERFORMERS, MANAGERS, INDUSTRY EXECUTIVES, AND PLASTER CASTING. WMB LLC IS THE PREMIERE NAME IN THE ROCK AND ROLL FESTIVAL SCENE AND IS THE NUMBER ONE TOUR PROMOTER IN A NATION.

    ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYRIGHT 2009 WHANGO MONGO BERNHEIM LLC. REPRODUCTION PROHIBITED. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.

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  6. And they let you alone with those poor inocent seamen 3rds?

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  7. Sorry, I just wasn't up to a post today. Tomorrow though, knock on wood, my resolve will have stiffened and there will be a long one for you.

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  8. Phiala,

    Reading before coffee isn't the problem- it's reading while drinking coffee that gets me. Keyboard replacement is getting expensive.

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  9. I count four, anybody else get a higher count on Jim's comment?

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  10. Ntsc, are you nuts? You missed the double entendre on "post."

    That's ok, I don't want to hammer home the point, that would suck and I sure don't want to be a drip about it. Besides I try to be flexible around here, but it's just so dammed hard, especilly in the morning.

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  11. someone please pass the monitor & keyboard cleaner over this way when you're done with it...

    ::snort::

    WendyB_09

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  12. I got 6 on his first comment. "wasn't up", "post" (as he indicated) (dick ate, hehe), "wood", "stiffened", and "long one".

    But I'm not playing. I don't have anywhere near the experience that he does. Outclassed before I even start. I bow to the master.

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  13. I bow to the master


    Say, as long as you're down there...

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  14. Pam, I have excellent self-control in that regard. The coffee requirement is because I can't keep it up without sufficient stimulant.

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  15. For my money, Eric wins at the Internet today. Seeing my band's name up in lights, brings tears to my eyes. Thankfully blurring out all the penile humors.

    What?

    Dr. Phil

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  17. "Penile humors"? Sounds like something a medieval physic would treat with leeches.

    Nonetheless, you're very welcome, Dr. Phil. I was pleased to include MLHC in the schedule.

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  18. I'm just so proud to know all of you.

    ::sniff::

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  19. you take a job with the Air Force and your brain turns to mush. Sophmoric mush with a large penis in permanent marker on its back.

    UGH! go turn something or something

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  20. Hey now, Beastly, don't go getting all testy...

    [/dick jokes]
    _____________________________
    you should see the piece I'm working on right now. Huge hunk of spalted burl, it's turned, I'm working on the carving part now. It's going to be an amazing bowl when finished.

    [resume]

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  21. Off topic but relating to your Tweets ... I've been trying out the "Technical Preview" of Office 2010 and I hate to tell you this but there is no obvious light at the end of the tunnel...

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  22. I counted 'up to a post' as one, but won't argue it could be two. Or would that be three?

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  23. MikeB, I consider Office 2007 to be an abomination. Whoever came up with that fucking banner bar across the top should be beaten with a stick, rubbed with sandpaper, dipped in hot sauce, and fed to the sharks.

    I can't find anything.

    And the ACCESS interface is horrible, it's a constant stream of warning dialogs, can't open this while that table is open, can't close this while in that mode, etc - for fuck's sake, when I switch from design view to form view and the other subform is open in design view, just close it or move it into protected mode or something, how fucking hard is that? MS apparently doesn't do any development in ACCESS themselves.

    Which doesn't surprise me actually, since the last time somebody surfed into my site from Cupertino on a MS Server they were using Firefox.

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  24. Jim- I could not agree with you more. I was told Office 2007 was intuative.

    FOR WHOM???

    I've taught every version of Office Professional that's been out since 1994. I can't even LEARN 2007, and I have to use it every day now.

    And with an IS degree that focused on database management and design, the Access SUX. BIG TIME.

    I'm going with the theory that even a chimp will manage to peck out Romeo and Juliet given enough time...which is apparently how MS is doing product development and testing.

    Give me back my Office 2003 Please!!

    WendyB_09

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  25. Wendy, for me it's not one big thing but million little annoying stupidities. Take that fucking banner bar: I click on Design, I want to make an update to a form but halfway through the process I need to check a table. So I tab to the table, yep there is the field I need to know about, check its properties and back the form to apply the edit - EXCEPT the fucking banner bar is now reset to the fucking Home tab. WTF! Leave the motherfucker where I had it you MS assholes.

    It's shit like that nonsense that is making me insane.

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  26. Think of it as 'A Gift of Gates' (tm)

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  27. OH, I hear you Jim...you need to insert a symbol you use everyday. Just finding the Symbol screen was a pain, it used to be on the menu, and now it doesn't even save your most commonly used symbols so you can just click & go.

    OR, I just want a simple page number at the center of the bottom of the page. Now it flashes a bunch of visual aid choices. Crap.

    ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

    Gift of Gates my ass...

    WendyB_09

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