Here's a Question For You

Who the hell watches "Paid Programing?"

No, really?

You ever notice…

…that whenever there’s a cute young thing in the store that you’re surreptitiously watching walk away, there’s always some huge sweaty bastard in a dirty wife-beater T-shirt with his ass crack hanging out who manages to insinuate himself directly between you and the object of your gaze and stay there like a big stinking eclipse? Usually he’s eating something disgusting… or picking his nose.

… that whenever you’re in a hurry and there’s absolutely nobody on the road except for you, some clueless moron in a rusty jalopy will pull out directly in front of you – and then proceed to drive 20 miles per hour under the speed limit deliberately catching every single red light. For the next ten miles it’s a no-passing zone. Then inevitably, a semi-truck shows up out of no damned where and tailgates your ass?

… that when you just need to get an address or a phone number out of your online address book, that’s the moment when Windows decides that it just has to index every single bit on the hard drive? Or alternatively, that’s the exact moment your virus scanner decides that it just absolutely has to scan every single byte of data in the system? Or alternatively, that’s when every piece of software you own decides that it’s the optimal time to download updates? Or better yet, all three events occur simultaneously.

… that nobody calls you all week, but if you’re on the phone with an old friend that’s the exact moment every single person you know decides to call you? And the doorbell rings. And your wife hollers for you from upstairs.

… that they only clean the public restrooms when you’ve really got to take a piss?

… that your flight is only delayed if there are kids involved? Yours or somebody else’s – specifically the ones sitting directly behind you, kicking your seat. And speaking of air travel, why is it that every single person you end up sitting next to is either hygiene optional, afflicted with the fear of flying and Crohn’s disease, or just loves to talk about the Jesus – for eight hours.

… that your nose only itches when you’re cleaning the catbox?

… that if you’re all alone in an aisle at the store and you pass a little gas, a really hot chick will show up almost instantly to give you a dirty look? The more foul the gas, the larger the number of hot girls who will show up. Guaranteed if you had chili, pickled eggs, and dark beer for dinner the night before, you'll be sharing an elevator with the Hooter's A-Team in the morning.

… that if you’re on a long trip in the car and your wife has been dozing for hours without comment and you pick your nose, that’s the exact moment she opens hers eyes and asks how come you’ve always got your finger up your nose? And speaking of long car trips, how come your kid never has to go to the bathroom until the exact moment you pass the last rest stop or exit for the next sixty-five miles?

… that if you put up something really lame on your blog, for some reason that’s the day everybody comes to look? That’s the day you get links to half a dozen forums and popular blogs and CNN? And you can look at your stats and see them all looking at that one lame-ass post and you want to scream, Wait! Don’t go, read the thing about the Rubber Chicken, Dick Cheney, and the Lesbians! I swear that’s not lame. Please don’t read the lame post. Hello? Hello?

Maybe it’s just me.

What is that you notice?

How have I been missing this?

I only recently started watching Boston Legal.

I’ve caught a few episodes now and then and liked it, but last night the HD network was running some kind of Boston Legal marathon , so I managed to take in several episodes.

Holy shit, what a weird, quirky, utterly hysterical show.

I suspect I’m preaching to the choir here. However…for those of you who live in a remote village in central Zimbabwe and haven’t seen it:

The core cast is terrific, both Candice Bergen and James Spader are truly funny people, but William Shatner completely steals the show – the guy is just absolutely, insanely, hilariously brilliant.

Case in point: Last night they aired Season 3, Episode 16: The Good Lawyer.

Denny’s (Shatner) girlfriend, Bethany (played by the utterly gorgeous little person, Meredith Eaton) makes him go to Temple. Denny claims he can’t go because he’s a Christian. When Bethany asks what kind, Denny flounders around and finally says he’s Lutheran. Bethany then asks him what Lutherans believe in, and after a minute Denny replies: “Luther.” Obviously he has no clue and is just trying to get out of going to Temple. It doesn’t work, and later in the show you see Shatner sitting in Synagogue, utterly lost. First he won’t sing, then after Bethany jabs him, he starts belting out nonsense pseudo Hebrew words off key, until Bethany jabs him to shut him up. Then he falls asleep, and two kids a couple of rows ahead of him notice his snoring – so they shoot him with spitballs. Denny wakes up with spitballs glued to his face, realizes what’s going on about the same time Bethany does, and whips out a pen, which he proceeds to disassemble into his own peashooter. Bethany realizes what he’s doing and tries to stop him.

By this time I’m laughing hysterically, mostly because of Shatner’s maniacal intensity, but I still had some control of my bodily functions.

But when Bethany leaps on top of Denny – the image of Shatner wrestling with feisty midget Meredith Eaton, his eyes bulging out and his jowls wagging, while attempting to chew a wad of paper into a spitball, I pretty much lost all control.

Denny flings Bethany away, and as she slides down the polished wooden seat he loads his peashooter and takes aim at the two kids. He lets fly just as Bethany comes leaping back like some kind of mini-westler and body slams into Denny…and the spitball hits the Rabbi dead in the eye. I think at that point I was lying on the floor making hiccuping noises.

And the final scene…Denny and Bethany sitting across the table from the Rabbi and his lawyer, Denny explaining his version of Middle Eastern politics – and you suddenly realize the Rabbi is wearing an eyepatch and they’re suing Denny. It’s a wonder I didn’t completely pass out from lack of oxygen.

Boy, if I only had a nickel for every time a midget has broken up with me over politics…

Your Spam Will Be Graded

Is it just me?

Or do the spammers lately seem just a little desperate?

Yep, it’s spam folder clean out day. Bad news, spammers, not all of you will be advancing to the next grade.

________________________________________

- Hi, we are two geeks, and we would like to show you how we work for just a few minutes each day while we let our robot make us hundreds of dollars per year while we do whatever we want. It's so amazing, and simple....we are SHOCKED that not everyone is doing what we are doing...there really is no competition, and everyone could be rich if they want to be. It's crazy that we just have to work a few minutes per day. With a robot that can make you hundreds of dollars per year, I too am shocked that not everybody is doing what you’re doing. Wow. Hundreds of dollars, I gotta get me some of that.

- Women will bake you pies because of your mega size. Ohhhhh, I love pie. What kind of pie? Shoefly pie? Apple pie? Cherry is my favorite, just saying. And I purely hate peaches, so no peach pies, thanks. Also, I'm not sure I'm what you'd call "mega-size" so I probably don't qualify for a whole pie per se, but maybe they could bake me a tart or something? I'd be good with that.

- Prepare your manhood for deeds! The tagline from the next Van Wilder movie, no doubt.

- How many times have you lied about size of male pride? Never. Swear to God.

- Best oil for pork motor. I, uh, pork motor, what? Pork is greasy already, seems to me if you could make a motor from it, it wouldn’t need oil.

- A big instrument is a mortgage to success. Like a tuba, now that’s a big instrument. Chicks dig the tubaman. One thing though, I don’t think “mortgage” and “success” belong in the same sentence, just sayin’.

- Your cock size will be written on your forehead. There was this Marine once, when I was in Navy technical school, who drank too much Jack Daniels at a party and passed out. We wrote his cock size on his forehead, along with some helpful comparison diagrams. In permanent laundry marker. Then we took him downtown in a taxi and set him on a bench on the fishing pier in his skivvies. Oddly, the next morning, despite having his personal dimensions penned on his forehead, the chicks didn’t seem to find him all that attractive – admittedly, the vomit and sunburn might have been putting them off. From then on he was known around base as Corporal Dickhead.

- At spring girls put on their boobs and legs, dont miss your chance. Don’t miss my chance to what? And speaking of Marines, did I ever tell you about the two Jarheads who stole a one-legged hooker’s prosthetic leg? No? Well, they did. She was somewhat famous in that port, going by the professional moniker of “Hopalong.” There were T-shirts and everything. For the Marines it was sort of a rite of passage. Apparently she was quite enthusiastic, but had trouble staying centered, being as the missing leg was severed on the upper thigh near the hip. Supposedly this feature separated the men from the boys so to speak, as it required a certain degree of skill to remain properly positioned. Anyway long story short, she used to have to take her prosthetic leg off while, uh, servicing customers. She’d hang it on a nail on the wall. These two idiots took it as a trophy, I guess they figured they could outrun her – being Marines and all. Next morning there was a huge angry mob on the pier. No less than the mayor of the town was leading the procession and demanded return of the leg. The Master-at-Arms searched the ship, the leg was found in short order (though its location did have the MP’s stumped for a while) and the Captain himself returned it to Hopalong there on the pier in front of basically the whole town and had to apologize to the mayor. Later, at Captain’s Mast, the Marine’s defense consisted of the immortal line, “Shit, Skipper, I was so drunk, I thought it was my leg.” Just for future reference, really don’t use that as an excuse should you find yourself before the mast under similar circumstances.

- A giant, snow-covered banjo. Uh, what?

- Your wife will be cooking you food so you can have her right. You haven’t had my wife’s cooking, if dinner was left up to her we’d be eating frozen waffles and microwave pizza treats every day.

- Your will have such a biggie pride it will be enough even to divide. Now that’s what I call a reproductive system.

- Give her a serious bombing. Really, dude, you’ll be dynamite with the ladies. Talk about domestic terrorism.

- You'll brake walls with your boner. Well, hell, I’ve already got enough home repairs to do around here, I don’t need to be patching drywall too.

- Show your girlfriend what a real Sax is! Apparently they’ve got a pill that turns you into Charlie “The Bird” Parker. Go Pfizer! Instructions on the bottle: Grasp instrument firmly, place mouthpiece between lips and blow. Use tongue for extra effect…

- Get Clinton's charming skills. Um, which Clinton? Because, you know, it matters. You’d don’t want to be like Cypher in The Matrix, boy oh boy I wish I’d taken the blue pill…

- Every woman would like to hunt that beast inside your pats. Ah, yes, the fearsome pats beast. Bag enough of them, and with the right taxidermist you could make yourself a coat rack.

- Heave your sexual event with splendid medicaments. Look, I know we’re working through a translation barrier here, but generally it’s not a good idea to use "sexual event” and “heave” in the same sentence - also, I’d steer clear of “Ralph” and “upchuck.”

- Teach your woman obediency! Um, suuuuuure. You go first.

- Women always belittle men who don't amaze them with their extra dimensions. Ah, yes, the old, “excuse me, I’m a quantum physicist, you didn’t happen to see my superstring laying around did you? Give it a good yank and it’ll open a wormhole to extra dimensions you’ve only dreamed about, Baby” line. I understand this is heard most commonly in the bar at Mensa conventions.

- Now men with abnormal sizes can enjoy this life. Well, that’s good because I wear a size 10 1/2 narrow hiking boot, and they’re a bitch to find.

- We will make the serving size of your meat much larger. I understand Wendy’s was considering this as an advertising slogan, but it wouldn’t fit on the banners. Ultimately they went with “Supersize” instead.

- Wearing a small member is even worse than wearing hand-cuffs. Yeah, but if your member is small enough, you could use it to pick the handcuffs. That would be a useful skill.

- Magnesium oxide insufficiency is not your problem. Well, that’s good to know. Also, I’m pretty sure that Chromate Hexafluoride insufficiency is not my problem. Neither is Bromide Permanganate deficiency.

- You can't rent a big friend in your underwear… Yeah, but wouldn’t it be cool if you could? Howdy, welcome to RentaCenter, how can we help you? Well…

- Women will be standing in line just to touch your watch. Because the bitches are shallow like that. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ladies, please. No pushing, no shoving, and no throwing panties - well, Ok, but only in the Jello Pit. Really, you’ll all get your chance to touch my fake watch…Ten dollars for pictures with it though. $20 for a video of me putting my arm around your neck, $25 if you ask me for the time...

- Sleep with a sexy married woman tonight! Well, see, I already planned on that. Don’t tell anybody.

- A big equipment in your pants brings big fruits for hot chicks to pick up. Who’s this targeted at, Migrant Farm Labor?

And last,

- You have dishonored your families, your company and your nation. Even the hookers you invited to last year's lavish Christmas party now avoid you in shame," Mr. Robotto says. "Oh yeah, It's Seppuku time!" Jesus Christ, I’ve been drunk a couple of times and regretted it the next morning, but not to the point of actually embarrassing my entire nation. Even the hookers are ashamed, folks. Giving a ten dollar blowjob next to a roach filled dumpster in the back alley doesn’t bother them, but you? Well a girl has got to have some standards is all. Holy shit, dude, what the hell did you do? Painful Japanese suicide is the only answer, Loser-san. (I’m not really sure what this email was about. The spammer forget to include the usual link for man pills or faux Submariner watches – maybe it was for Samurai swords, or a job with the George W. Bush Freedom Library).

_______________________________________________

And with that, Whoosh! the spam folder is cleared out until next week.

And for you statistics nuts

Over a 1 week period:

Legit emails: 438.

Spam emails: 10,832…833…834…5…6…

Squatters, or When the Law Goes Batshit Insane

Don and Peggy Bain are 81 years old.

They’re retired, as you might guess.

They have a nice little house is Spokane, Washington, and Don built a shop out back. Like me, he wanted a place to putter around, fixing up old cars and making bird houses. His shop has room for a couple of cars, a work area, and a small apartment.

Don and Peggy allowed Peggy’s adult son, Skippy Ray Davis, to stay in the apartment. Skippy had some issues, drugs among other things – but what are you going to do, right? Family and all that.

Skippy allowed a woman named Susan Pierce to move in, without the Bains’ permission and against their express wishes and the conditions of his residency. Then Skippy allowed a bunch of other, rather unsavory characters to move in. They trashed the place, tore up the Bains’ yard, and came and went at all hours of the day and night. As you might imagine, the Bains were unhappy.

They asked Skippy to leave, and take his shitbag friends with him. There was an altercation. The police came. It was discovered that Skippy had an outstanding warrant for failing to pay his drug fines. The police carted his ass off to the Geiger Correction Center on April Fool’s Day.

But the joke, it seems, wasn’t on Skippy, but rather on Don and Peggy Bain.

See, Susan Pierce and the rest of the rotating band of characters who had taken up residence in Don Bain’s garage didn’t leave. Don called the police to have them removed.

Instead, the police sided with the squatters.

Pierce never had the Bains’ permission to move in, never signed any kind of legal document such as a lease or rental agreement, has never paid rent or utilities or for the damage she has done to the Bains’ property – but according to the Spokane Valley Police Department, she is a legal resident and can’t be evicted without a court order.

The cops were very careful to explain this to her, repeatedly.

Lt. Stephen Jones says that while he sympathizes with the Bains, the law protects people from being thrown out on street without good reason, and Pierce can’t be evicted without a judge’s say-so. Now, dig this, because Pierce is, according to the police, a de facto resident of the property in question, she can invite others in, and there have been at least three others rotating through the Bains’ garage on a regular basis. All of which now have a claim on the Bains guest apartment.

When Pierce disappeared for several days, Don changed the locks. When Pierce returned, she called the police, who then made the Bains open the door and give Pierce a new set of keys. When Pierce and the other squatters lost the keys, police directed them to break a window so they could get into the shop – and stood by while they did so.

The Bains basically have no rights whatsoever. They must continue to make payments, they must continue to keep the lights and heat on, and they must respect the rights of their squatter tenets – including privacy. Piece even went so far as to draw up a hand lettered sign with her name and an address (the wrong one, actually, but still) and hang it on Don Bain’s fence.

The Bains have retained a lawyer and filed for eviction. A judge will have to review the case and grant the eviction if he is so inclined. Then the squatters will have 30 days to vacate. Then and only then can the Bains have police escort these parasites from their property.

Allow me to be blunt: What kind of fucked up nonsense is this?

No, seriously, what perversion of the law is this? How is it that the rights of drug addled vagrants trump the rights of tax-paying, stand up citizens?

I don’t often side with the right-wing goofs and their anti-liberal screed, but this is a case of liberalism gone batshit insane. I could, maybe, see how Skippy Ray might have a case – since the Bains gave him permission to move in. But Skippy is busy playing leap frog in the prison shower at the moment and Susan Pierce is an uninvited trespasser – a squatter that has apparently let in other squatters. They’ve trashed the Bains’ property, used utilities, denied Don Bain the use of his own shop, and turned the Bains’ life into a nightmare – where are the Bains’ rights in all of this? Who makes good for them? Will the state pay the Bains for their continued loss while the court settles this issue (and bear in mind that the court may in fact decide that Susan Pierce doesn’t have to leave, that’s unlikely, but under the law it’s possible, and she can appeal, and continue to draw this out in the meantime).

The Tenet/Landlord laws were put in place to protect the rights of property owners and to protect legal tenets from the capricious and arbitrary whim of their landlords. The laws were not put into place to deny property owners their Constitutional rights or to protect deadbeats, vandals, and criminals. These squatters are not legal residents. They are uninvited trespassers - and nothing more.

Here’s what should be done: Pierce and the other squatters should be removed forthwith from the Bains’ property – they don’t need to be evicted onto the street, they can be dropped off at the nearest homeless shelter. They should be charged for any and all damages and a reasonable amount of rent for the time they’ve lived there – if they are unable or unwilling to pay, that amount can be added to Skippy’s jail time as an abject lesson in responsibility since he seems to be lacking in that department. Let him work it off. But, the Police Department should be required to cough up the cost of that broken window – since they somehow seem to have forgotten that one of their primary functions is to protect the property of citizens. Which is a bit odd, since “Serve and Protect” is printed on the side of their cars in great big letters.

I’ve heard and seen a lot of ridiculous nonsense – but this is right up there with the most idiotic.

When I hear of Schrödinger's cat, I reach for my pistol

Stephen Hawking has been hospitalized and is “very ill.”

 

Hawking has been fighting Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) for nearly 40 years now. Which is pretty damned amazing when you consider that most people who are diagnosed with ALS succumb within three to five years.

Stephen Hawking is one of my personal heroes, one of those handful of fantastically brilliant minds the human race manages to produce maybe once a century and a man who has significantly changed our perception of the universe. His name ranks up there with the great names of scientific history and his work stands alongside the most profound discoveries of the last two millennia.

Hang in there, Professor Hawking.

A Note About Comments

As a number of you noted, the commenting function has gone wonky.

Sorry about that.

I was playing with Stonekettle Station's template and underlying code, including commenting format. I liked the new format. Unfortunately it locked some folks out of commenting.

I put it back the way it was.

Please try to leave a comment. We'll see if I've got it fixed.

Things That Chap My Ass About Getting Old(er)

You know, I mostly don’t mind getting older.

I was a dorky kid, an awkward teenager, and probably worse as a young adult. Somehow I’ve managed to outgrow most of that and frankly I like getting older, I’m enjoying it.

I mean, the grey hair makes me look distinguished (not that you can see it, since I keep my hair cut high and tight because, see, chicks dig the military look. And by chicks I mean my wife) and the closer to 50 I get, the better looking I seem to be, so you know, I’ve got that going for me. Also, I’m fairly sure that I’m getting smarter, or that other people are getting dumber – either way, I’m OK with it. Kids think I’m wise (kids are easy to fool). We don’t have personal jet packs and flying cars here in the shiny 21st Century, but we do have enormous plasma TVs and beer, and frankly I’ve got to tell you that given a choice between picking bugs out of my teeth at 20,000 feet or watching Cancun Hooters Bikini Beach Adventures in 76 inch HD I’m pretty sure I’d choose the latter anyway, so again, I’m good. I’ve lived long enough to hear my mother use the word “blowjob” out loud in a sentence (during the Clinton Administration) and frankly I’m hoping to die before that happens again. I’m retired at an age far younger than most people, and I’ve got the time and the means to do pretty much whatever I want. So, you know, it ain’t bad at all.

But as good as getting older is, there are a number of things that just chap my ass about the middle part of middle age:

- I sneeze, and my back goes out for a week. What the hell? Considering the amount of damage two decades of military life did to me, I’m in pretty damned good shape. Better than most men my age anyway. I’ve got some disability, sure, but I’ve never had back problems. I’ve got some serious issues with my neck, and my shoulder is mangled, and there’s the hip, leg, and foot. And my hands are pretty messed up, especially the left one. Sure there’s that. But I’ve never had back problems. Now, It’s Breakup here in Alaska, what you people would call spring – and the spruce trees are just yellow with pollen, so, as I mentioned, I sneezed – and something right in the middle of my back snapped. Christ, it’s like being jabbed with an ice-pick. And I keep sneezing and it keeps getting worse. Good God, another ten years I’ll cough and break a friggin’ hip.

- My arms aren’t long enough. I’ve always had 20/17 vision. Always. But in the last couple of years I’ve learned a new word, presbyopia. I don’t like this word.

- Everything gives me heartburn. Mashed potatoes give me heartburn. Chocolate gives me heartburn. Wine gives me heartburn. Republicans give me heartburn. Air gives me heartburn. Heartburn medication gives me heartburn.

- I have absolutely no idea who Coldplay is.

- Altitude has a direct effect on my memory, I can’t remember anything above the first floor. I go upstairs to get something and I can’t remember what it was. I go back downstairs, I remember. I go back upstairs to get it and I can’t remember what it was, so I go back downstairs… I could do this all day. At least I’m getting exercise.

- I don’t recognize half the actors on TV, half the time I’m not even sure what I’m watching – unless it’s Cancun Hooters Bikini Beach Adventures in HD. Just sayin.

- I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in years. Oh, I have absolutely no trouble falling asleep. I’m out like a light. Trust me here, live on a warship for a while, you’ll learn how to sleep even if you’re being thrown about like a midget at a drunken biker convention and the flight deck four feet above your head sounds like fifty crazed baboons beating on metal garbage cans with steel mallets. Sometimes I fall asleep while I’m brushing my teeth. But see, then I’ve got to get up two, sometimes three, times a night to take a piss. What the hell is this all about? Does your bladder shrink as you get older? Do I absorb extra moisture from the air like some kind of amphibian (actually, that would be kind of cool). I don’t have any of the symptoms they advertise on those prostate medicine commercials. I don’t drink any more than I used to. I sure as hell don’t have any trouble going. Hell, I can go and go and go. I’ve got great control, I can start and stop mid-flow. I’ve got an uber-powerful stream, the fire department would be jealous. I can do tricks. I can write my name in the snow and dot the “i.” Hell, I’m like Superman when it comes to pissing. But I’ve got to get up twice a night to take a leak. Seriously, it’s bizarre, especially considering that my waist is expanding – seems like there ought to be more room in there, not less.

So far I haven’t driven into town with my seatbelt hanging out the door making sparks or my turn signal on for the whole way, but it’s probably only a matter of time.

What chaps your ass about getting older?

Jerkoff of the Week – Congressman John Boehner

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano apologized Thursday after some veterans groups were offended by a department report about right-wing extremism.

The report speculated that foreign or domestic extremist groups might attempt to attract disgruntled veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. Napolitano said that the report was part of her department’s routine intelligence analysis, used to give law enforcement agencies guidance on possible security threats.

The assessment indicated that certain veterans might be more susceptible to recruitment because of the current economic climate and the election of a liberal African-American president.

Predictably, that corpulent rabid warthog, Rush Limbaugh, began almost immediately spewing verbal diarrhea from both ends "You have a report from Janet Napolitano and Barack Obama, Department of Homeland Security, portraying standard, ordinary, everyday conservatives as posing a bigger threat to this country than al Qaeda terrorists or genuine enemies of this country like Kim Jong Il." And just as predictably Limbaugh managed to get his facts wrong yet again (I particularly like Rush’s opening paragraph in this transcript from his own site - tanks blew up. Yep), the man has a real skill for that, not that his listeners actually give a damn or have the cognitive ability to tell fact from fiction, or remember Limbaugh’s own endless veteran bashing, or his endless and relentless declaration that standard, ordinary, everyday non-conservatives (a lot of them veterans like, oh, me for example) are enemies of America and a threat that should be stamped out. Limbaugh’s listeners don’t care, most of them can’t read and aren’t exactly accustomed to thinking for themselves, they just want something to be outraged and offended over and they’re just as big of mindless hypocrites as he is.

Of course, if Rush is outraged, then it would follow that a number of conservative lawmakers and Veteran’s groups were outraged, since where goeth Rush so goeth the GOP like the good little doggy it is. The American Legion took offense* and House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) was spiting venom, “To characterize men and women returning home from after defending our country as potential terrorists is offensive and unacceptable.”

Talk about your political hay-making rhetoric.

I'd tell Rush to shut up, but it’s like shoveling shit against the tide. And Representative Boner isn’t much better.

Do me a big favor, would you, Mr. Boehner? put a sock in it. You served, what was it? Eight whole weeks before you washed out of boot camp? Yeah, thanks, but you don’t get to be offended on my behalf, shut up, take Rush’s dick out of your ass, and sit down.

Speaking as a veteran I know a hell of a lot more about Vets than either Rush Limbaugh or John Boehner, and I’m not even remotely offended. In fact I think this assessment is spot on and exactly what needs to be said, loudly, and often.

Before I tell you why, let’s review, shall we?

First, most of us vets have certain particular skills - the kind of skills that make us very, very attractive to both Defense Contractors and extremist groups. You should be able to figure out what kind of skills I’m talking about without me having to spell it out. On top of which, we tend to believe in action and we tend not to be shy about violent action when necessary. We’re trained to work together, we understand organization, security, force application, intelligence, tactics and we know how shit works inside government operations. And most of all, upon leaving the military we tend to feel more than a bit disconnected from society and more than a little disenfranchised. Most of us get over it.

Most of us, but not all.

Take a good look around. No, look around with your eyes open and you’ll notice more than just few veterans from Korea, Vietnam, and the Gulf who never managed to reintegrate into society. Most of them ended up on street corners, or some flop house floor on Skid Row, or dead in a ditch somewhere, or in prison. Or maybe they held it together enough to manage some semblance of a normal life and spend their spare time strung out on drugs, booze, and self-destructive behavior. A rather large lot of them commit suicide, sometimes by cop. Look around, the VA lobbies are full of them, so are the homeless shelters and the welfare mental health wards. Most of these people are invisible. Harmless. Disappeared. Full of demons and despair. Their minds lost to that winter in Chosin, or some POW camp in the fetid jungles, or the hellish heat of the desert.

But some, a few, are different. They’re full of anger and anguish and rage. They’ve come home and they don’t fit in any more and they're madder than hell that the country they fought for doesn’t seem to give a good goddamn and isn’t what they think it should be and they decide do something about it. From those outlaw motorcycle gangs composed of WWII vets, to failed Marine Lee Harvey Oswald to another failed Marine Charles Whitman to Bronze Star wearing Timothy McVeigh and his pal Terry Nichols, our history is full of veterans who became a serious threat to their fellow citizens. A significant number of vets returning from Vietnam ended up in extremist groups, less so with the Gulf, and maybe less so now – there may be a direct correlation between the length of the conflict, its intensity, and whether or not the soldiers fighting it are there voluntarily or not, the data is a little fuzzy.

But, however you slice it, to say that returning vets are a prime target for extremist groups is not only true, but it’s a far, far cry from calling all veterans “terrorists.” And it’s no more offensive to note it, than it is to point out that NYC cops are a prime recruitment target for the Mob. Based on voluminous, validated, and widespread historical data regarding veterans and their difficulties reintegrating into society upon return from extended combat, the Department of Homeland Security would be remiss in its duty if it didn’t examine this situation.

Fuck Rush, I couldn’t give a shit about his opinion or the opinions of his mindless followers. But Boehner’s rhetoric is exactly that, rhetoric. Grandstanding. Posturing. He pretends self-righteous indignation in order to score a few more political points – and what he is completely failing to understand here is that as a member of the US government, his response is one hell of a lot more offensive to an Iraqi Veteran like me than anything some DHS report said.

When what he should be doing is this:

First, before he opened his mouth and attacked the current administration on behalf of us veterans, he should have noted that this report was commissioned by the Bush Administration – so, it’s more than a little ignorant and stupid to attribute it to some liberal agenda to discredit veterans. Also note that Boehner was somehow not offended by a DHS report last month that targeted leftist groups – smell that folks? Yeah that’s the stench of self-righteous hypocrisy.

Second, ignoring substantiated data based on lengthy review and unpleasant truths in favor of a political agenda is exactly what got us into the current war in the first fucking place. Frankly, I think we’ve had just about enough of that, thank you very much and if Boehner is so worried about Veterans maybe he should knock that shit off.

And third, and most important, representative Boehner should be using this report not to fuel his bullshit indignation but to rally support for increased funding and expansion of veterans services – specifically so that those who come home shattered and broken and disillusioned and disenfranchised and alone and suffered from post traumatic stress disorder have some goddamned support. Maybe if veterans coming home from combat had adequate mental health care, counseling, medical treatment, adequately funded VA centers for retraining and job search, and support and a place to live and education and, you know, shit like that – they just might be a whole lot less likely to feel disenfranchised in the first place. Funny how Boehner fails to mention that he voted “no” on every VA funding bill in 1993 and 1994, and a big “no” on Mortgage Forgiveness for veterans, and another “no” on the Anti-Subprime lending act so that his buddies in the mortgage industry can just keep pushing those subprime, interest only loans on military veterans outside every single base in the country, or how he manages to vote no on every Defense Appropriations bill that would give troops body armor and up-armored transport and improved weapons and the things necessary to prosecute the war he voted for. Frankly, Boehner's record shows that he’s a whole hell of a lot more worried that a military member might get an abortion in a military hospital than that they have the tools to fight and the medical care they need when they get home.

What we have here, folks, is yet another flag waving conservative warhawk. All wind, shit, and excitement, hot with the heavenly fire of Jesus, eager for war against the pinko liberals, and all righteously offended on behalf of veterans.

And never served himself.

How typical.

What a complete jerkoff.

---

* I do want to point out that my own veterans organization, the Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW), looked at the report and their response was a resounding, “Yeah, tell us something we don’t know. Thanks.”

This Week's Search Phrase

Why is the cat's mouth open after licking his ass?

Because his tongue tastes like shit.

Glad I could help.

You Don’t Wanna Be Down Range, Just Sayin’

Then they’ll go get a cup of coffee and a piece of Easter cake.

Because that’s just the way they are.

So, you know, think about it.

Astoundingly Appalling Revisionism

And as if the Somali piracy situation isn't bad enough, you've got this kind of unsupported static decreasing the signal-to-noise ratio.

Go read it, it won't take you long.

The author, Johann Hari, is an interesting fellow. Supposedly an award winning writer and the youngest ever winner of the George Orwell Prize.

I think he nuked the fridge on this one - I notice he doesn't provide references for any of his main assertions. And his interpretation of the history of pirates and piracy seems to be based solely on a single work, at least that's the only reference he provided. That work is certainly scholarly, but the author, Marcus Rediker, is a self proclaimed social activist. Understand, I'm not condeming Rediker's work or intepretation of history, and his book is certainly backed up by extensive research and has garderned excellent reviews - but it is unlikely to be unbiased, it's an interpretation of history. And Hari's use of Rediker's interpretation of historical pirate figures as a yard stick of current piracy in the Indian Ocean is a blatant fallacy of false comparison.

One can see why Hari is an award winning writer though, he's quite skilled. He's managed to create an article couched in such a manner that if you disagree with him or his view of the situation and history, you're ipso facto a racist.

Remember that old verbal trap? Answer only yes or no, do you still beat your wife? No matter how you answer, you're a wife beater.

Same thing.

Somalia

The previous post, Tripoli, has generated some questions, both via email and via comment. Additionally I’ve gotten a number of questions in a private military forum, where Tripoli was reposted (without permission initially, but I believe we now have that squared away. Folks, please, if you’re going to repost my work, either give me credit and a link, or ask me via email first, otherwise I have to get all soggy and hard to light. Thanks).

Anyway, it seems I should have been more clear.

A number of folks asked if I was advocating opening a third war in Somalia, and a) if so, are you fucking nuts? Or b) if not, what exactly are you proposing with your wild talk of military action, pirates, and dead men?

Fair enough.

Allow me to expand:

Short answer: No, I am not proposing that the US declare war on or in Somalia – though I do think that something needs to be done there, sooner rather than later. But, I am strongly in favor of doing something forceful about the pirates now, up to and including blowing them the hell out of the water as a first option. Thank you and good night.

Longer answer:

First: a question, do you, Jim, approve of how Obama handled this situation?

Answer: Huh?

Folks, the President didn’t handle this situation. He did what any good CINC does, he deferred to his advisors, i.e. the people who are experts and professionals in this area – the Joint Chiefs including the Chief of Naval Operations, the CIA, the Secretary of Defense, and so on – then he issued the proper orders and delegated all decisions to the on-scene commander by saying publically, “I have authorized the use of deadly force.” This is a code, sort of. As an order it is completely unnecessary, the use of deadly force was already authorized, as it always is when American lives are in danger. This is what we in the military do. This is our job. This is why we exist, of course deadly force is authorized, it is always authorized. It was authorized the minute Captain Castellano of USS Bainbridge received orders sending his ship into harm’s way. We operate under standing rules of engagement and a concept called command by negation. If the president had said, Whoa! Slow down, Rambo. I hereby order you to unload your weapons and under no circumstance are you to use harsh language - well that would be an actual order and command by negation (it would also mean that you’re under United Nations control and you’re about to get slaughtered, but I digress). By saying, “I authorize the use of deadly force,” what the president was actually saying to the on-scene commander was this, “I’ve got your back, do what you need to do, everybody else shut the fuck up.” You may not understand this, but the military certainly does. And this is precisely what the President should have done. It’s not strictly necessary, but it is a whole lot easier to do your job when the Chain of Command backs you all the way to the top. Cuts down on mid level flunkies getting involved.

So, yeah, I do approve of President Obama’s “handling” of the situation – he did precisely what he should have. He turned it over to the experts and got on about his business. This wasn’t the only crisis last week, other Americans were in danger too.

Second: Somalia.

It’s not our problem.

It’s not. Somalia is one of many, many trouble spots around the world. We can’t fix them. No, really, we can’t.

Folks, it never works.

OK, it usually never works – Military intervention in Panama and Grenada and maybe one or two two other piddly places excepted. But then there’s Korea, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Indonesia, Lebanon, Bosnia, Croatia, Kosovo, The Congo, Liberia, Uganda, Ethiopia, Sierra Leone, El Salvador and right down to Iraq and especially Afghanistan – and we could do this all day. It doesn’t work. It never works. We spend shitloads of money. We send food. We send blankets. We send soldiers. We die. But people who are hell bent on tearing themselves apart are going to do so until there is nothing left but corpses and scorched earth and either one serious motherfucker of a warlord takes over and ends the war, or one side manages to kill every goddamned body on the other side. Period. You can piss and moan and cry and plead and pray and wish in one hand and shit in the other, but that is how it is.

We’ve been to Somalia.

And we didn’t have the stomach for it, just like Lebanon.

So we got out.

We can’t go back, the American pubic won’t stand for it right now. Two miserable wars in progress and the memory of dead Blackhawk pilots being dragged through the streets of Mogadishu. Folks, it ain’t happening – even if it is the correct, ultimate, and moral thing to do. We didn’t make this mess (Oh, yes, it could be argued that we made it worse, but we didn’t make it in the first place. The Somalis themselves did that). And to be frank, nobody gives an Ebola infested fuck about Africa, there is no support for going in. None. Sorry, but there it is.

Fixing Somalia is an exercise in nation building. That’s the United Nation’s job. They suck at it, for a large number of reasons, not the least of which is that in order to fix Somalia you’re going to have to conquer and pacify it first, i.e. you’re going to have to kill a lot of people and then you’re going to have to stick around for a good long time. Good luck and don’t forget to write.

So, now we have to live with the consequences. Piracy is one of those consequences.

Third: Piracy.

This is our responsibility.

At least as far as protecting American interests goes. That includes protecting American flagged vessels which the Navy is legally and honor bound to do, and American interests – which are in our best, er, interest (example, though you may not realize it, piracy in this part of the world has a direct impact on world oil prices – this affects all Americans - even those who live in hippy communes at one with nature and don’t use gasoline … or soap. What affects Americans, affects the rest of the world, especially places like, oh, China).

What I am strongly advocating is that the Navy be assigned to fulfill its primary charter, i.e. ensure America's unrestricted and safe assess to the sea lanes. This is the Navy’s first and foremost responsibility as a military force, it is why it exists in the first place. This why you pay for it.

A couple of points first:

- The Navy spends way too much time doing the Coast Guard's job vis a vis the Goddamned endless "War on Drugs." There is at least two major combatants, cruisers or destroyers, in the south eastern Pacific right now, chasing drug smugglers. There are at least three more in the Caribbean, and another in the Atlantic. Along with dozens of aircraft and ground assets and thousands of military personnel. That mission accomplishes nothing, it is an endless unwinnable feel good public relations boondoggle and has almost zero impact on the drug trade. Turn it over to the Coast Guard and the Department of Homeland Security and send the Navy assets to the Horn of Africa – they shouldn’t be doing law enforcement anyway, and they especially shouldn’t be working for those morons in the DEA.

- UN Sanctions. The Navy spends way too much time supporting UN Sanctions. Don't get me wrong, supporting UN sanctions is fine - providing you've got the time and assets and nothing else to do, but it's not our primary responsibility. Protecting US interests and citizens on the high seas is. First, foremost, and always.

- We're robbing Peter to pay Paul, we're building hi-tech ships with no missions and decommissioning ships like Ticonderoga, Yorktown, Valley Forge, Vincennes, Gates, and the FFG's in order to pay for it. Those five cruisers and the FFG's were only halfway through their service life and were more than suited to the mission of protecting US shipping. Perfectly suited in fact, since Frigates were specifically designed as convoy escorts and in fact were initially designated as "Destroyer Escorts." But in typical Pentagon logic, because those ships didn't have Vertical Launcher capability and couldn't fire the latest generation of missiles (both AAW and Cruise) they were worthless (and more importantly they didn’t keep Congressional constituents employed). And yet, there is no need whatsoever for advanced anti-air capability in 99% of the force projection situations we face at the moment - like pirates, or the anti-drug mission, or force projection in places like East Timor. Not every ship needs to be an advanced weapon platform capable of engaging the Mythical Soviet Union that Could Have Been If Only It Didn't Collapse Fifteen Years Ago and Become Our Ally. We don't need either SM3 satellite shoot down capability or Tactical Tomahawk capability to take out a couple of assholes in a plastic skiff. What we need are cheap fast light patrol craft, exactly like the FFG. Strip away the sonar dome, and take the AAW missile systems off and gut the ASW torpedo bay and load them up for littoral combat. Simple, cheap, quick and the taxpayer gets the benefit of having already paid for it.

Of course, that's not how it works. Congress will bitch about hi-tech, hideously expensive weapons – but what they are really complaining about are hi-tech, hideously expensive weapons built in somebody else’s district. Republicans, Democrats, Conservatives, Liberals, Moderates – it doesn’t matter – they all talk about fiscal responsibility and then run right out to spend billions on whatever they think the military needs.

Let me give you an example: USS Bainbridge is an Arleigh Burke Class Destroyer, which is one of the most advanced weapons systems in the world. You need to take down a hundred inbound targets, she's your ship. New to fire a salvo of Tomahawks fifteen hundred miles inland? She can do it. Need to run down a couple of dicks in a plastic skiff? You're screwed. It's like killing a gnat with a atomic bomb.

The problem is that the DoD, Pentagon, and Congress are obsessed with Bigger, Shinier, Faster, high-tech Pie In the Sky. These are the people who think flying a billion dollar invisible bomber on a 36 hour round trip mission against a country that doesn't even have an air defense system is a good idea and we need more of it! I suspect that these men are the ones who buy Viagra in bulk lots from Mexico.

Bottom line. We have time tested tactics for dealing with pirates. We have everything we need. We don't need anything new.

Here’s how you do it:

1) Until the pirate problem is eradicated, convoy American and allied shipping in the east Indian ocean. Dispatch a CG and a couple of FFG's (Or stripped down FF’s) or PC's to escort and patrol. Just as we did in the gulf during the Tanker war. The Navy already has tactics and procedures for this, so do the merchant carriers. Put the plan into action. If you can get international assets to assist, fine, do so.

1b) Arm the merchantmen - the shipping companies need to take some responsibility for their own defense, just as any business does by hiring guards and putting up a fence. Now there are definite issues here, you can’t just give the Merchant crews guns and drop them off at the pier. First the insurance companies would have a cow. Second, the union would have another cow, sideways. Third, the merchant seamen aren’t Marines and didn’t sign up for armed combat and I don’t blame them for being reluctant to get involved in armed conflict. I wouldn’t want to either. But, just as companies hire armed guards on land, they can do so at sea. There are any number of security outfits that can supply maritime security personnel, which can embark each ship in the transit zone and then transfer to other ships as necessary. It’s important to understand that I’m only talking about four or five man teams, not an army. And that’s all that’s necessary, the pirates are not coming alongside in 300 man sloops of war with cutlass and grapple, they are four teenaged dicks with rusty AK47's in a plastic skiff. Six maritime security guys with decent small-arms could hold a pirate assault off. Especially if the Merchant crew is assisting with a couple of 3" fire hoses and the main DC pump (trust me here, try to climb up a grapple line with a 400psi stream of 3” water from a main fire hose pounding on your noggin, really not happening, the advantage is with the defenders. Always). Combine that with some standard ship security modifications like security doors on the pilothouse, engine, and rudder rooms with a couple of safe rooms for the crew and you can hold them off until the Navy helos show up and vaporize the bastards with the minigun – and the cost of carrying the security bubbas and making the modifications would be offset by lowered insurance rates.

2) Form up a task force, built around an LCC which acts as homebase, air field, and command and control. Break a couple of Aries class hydrofoils out of mothballs, or fast Patrol Coastals, or better yet a couple of USCG 210 fast cutters and whatever international support as is provided. Load up the LCC with a couple of assault helos and UAV's and Marines - then go hunting. Basic policy as follows, heave to and prepare to be boarded, or get blown out of the fucking water. Period. You get one level 3 query, one level 1 warning, 1 shot across the bow, and then as many HSMST salvos as it takes to turn you into a smoking hole in the water. Thanks and come again. Trust me on this, the Navy is very, very good at this.

2b) you can base this task force out of Mombassa, Kenya. That's Kenya's contribution to their own security. They get to pay for the fleet support in return for protection. Saudi Arabia and Kuwait can contribute the fuel, since it’s their tankers we’ll be protecting. Everything else is just window dressing. The ships involved come from the standard West Pac/Gulf rotation. You detach them for a month from Gulf Duty and let them go chase pirate, they’ll love it. Gulf duty sucks. Killing pirates rocks.

Optional Steps:

3) Give the pirates two weeks to free all prisoners and vessels. Then storm the harbor with a full assault force and take those ships at gun point. Whatever it takes. Give the countries who own those vessels the opportunity to participate under our Aegis - this is not a UN operation, but it could be a NATO mission - or to pay the ransom before the assault, their choice. But when time is up, it's up. Each country could retake its own vessel, and we provide support and protection while they do it – that way if the hostages onboard die, it’s the respective country’s look out. While the assault is going on, use airpower, manned or unmanned, and special forces to take out every single boat that looks like it could be used for piracy in the harbor, i.e. every plastic hulled skiff with a rack of outboards. Fishing trawlers and such aren’t fast enough to catch a freighter or outrun the Navy, they get to live and be used to feed people. Unless we catch them later engaged in piracy, in which case they get blown the hell up. We don’t set foot on land.

4) Then clear Somali waters and impose an absolutely strict blockade. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. No aid, no relief, no help, no nothing. Somalia wants help, they can form a government, liquidate the pirates by whatever means they deem proper and petition the UN for aid after the country is secure.

Have a fine Navy day.

Tripoli

At the US Naval Academy, in the green grassy square between Truxtun and Decatur Roads and the Preble and Leahy Halls stands a slowly crumbling monument to six dead men and a long forgotten war.

It is the Tripoli Monument and it is the oldest military memorial in the United States.

Originally known simply as the Naval Monument, it was carved from fine white Carrara marble quarried in Tuscany and sculpted by master stone mason, Giovanni Macali, in Livorno, Italy.

In 1806 it was carried to the United States in the hold of USS Constitution.

The monument was first erected at the Washington Naval Yard on the Potomac in 1808. Then in 1831 it was moved to the west front of the US Capital Building and placed within a fountain – where the US Grant Memorial stands today. Finally, it was moved to its present location at the US Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland where it has stood for the last 149 years.

Few outside of the US Navy remember or recognize the names inscribed upon the Tripoli memorial, Captain Richard Somers, Lieutenant James Caldwell, Lieutenant James Decatur, Lieutenant (acting) Henry Wadsworth, Lieutenant (acting) Joseph Israel, and Midshipman Thomas Dorsey. These Naval officers were killed in action during the First Barbary War which raged from 1801 to 1805. Also called the Barbary Coast War or the Tripoli War, this conflict is the source of the line “To the shores of Tripoli” in the US Marine Hymn, and is the impetus behind the formation of the US Navy and Marine Corps, and it was the United States first trial by fire as a new and independent nation.

In the late 1700’s through the early part of the 19th century, Corsairs raiding north out of Morocco, Algiers, Tunis, and Tripoli into the Mediterranean captured foreign merchant vessels in thinly disguised acts of piracy and demanded tribute for unmolested passage. The great seafaring powers were mostly powerless against the pirates of the Barbary Coast, primarily because they were engaged against each other and had few assets to spare for pirate suppression, and so the great nations formed an uneasy agreement with the Corsairs. Britain, France, Spain, Portugal, and Italy agreed to pay tribute to the quasi-independent Ottoman Sultanates of North Africa for more or less safe passage. The might of their navies backed those agreements up, as did the complex and often incomprehensible diplomacy of the European powers in North Africa.

Prior to 1776, the vessels of colonial America fell under the protection, more or less, of British treaties. After 1777 and throughout the revolution, American vessels were protected, again more or less, by France and their agreement with the Corsairs. But after independence, the United States became solely responsible for the protection of her vessels on the high seas. Unfortunately, the new nation had no Navy. The privateer force of the Revolutionary War was long decommissioned and would have been inadequate for the job even if it did still exist. Without a navy, the United States had only one option – tribute.

And so, for eight years, all during the presidency of George Washington, the United States paid tribute to the Barbary Pirates for unmolested passage. John Adams and Thomas Jefferson were both sent to negotiate peace treaties in London in 1786. Tripoli’s Ambassador, one Sidi Haji Abdul Rahman Adja, laughed and told Jefferson that is was the duty of the faithful to plunder and enslave nonbelievers. Jefferson reported to Secretary of State John Jay and to President Washington that that to pay tribute to such brigands would only invite more tribute and encourage more attacks.

And he was right.

While in Congress the Federalists and the anit-Federalist (or in modern terms the Liberals and the Conservatives) argued over western expansion and the need, or lack there of, of a Navy, and taxation, and so on and so forth – the attacks against US shipping continued to increase, and the Sultanate of Tripoli demanded larger and larger tributes, until the size of the payoffs became unbearable. By 1800, tribute and ransom to the Barbary States amounted to over twenty percent of the US Budget.

In addition to attacks by the Corsairs, Britain had embarked on a program of impressment of US merchant seaman and harassment of American vessels on the high seas (eventually these actions and others would lead to the War of 1812) and it was glaringly obvious that America needed to defend her access to the sea lanes. Led by Jefferson (who was at odds with his own party) and supported by Washington and other founding fathers, the United Stated established the American Navy in 1794. They commissioned numerous smaller vessels and six large Frigates; the Constitution, the Congress, the President, the United States, the Constellation, and the Chesapeake. Those vessels, designed by Joshua Humphreys and built in Boston from American black and white oak, were unique in the world. They were not Ships of the Line, but were rather designed to fight independently and/or as the flagship of a squadron of smaller vessels. They were fast and powerful – today we would call them cruisers. They were considered to be some of finest warships in the world, and a tribute to American shipbuilding prowess and seamanship. Those vessels and the ones that followed distinguished themselves again and again, defeating far larger vessels and repeatedly winning the day against staggering odds. USS Constitution still floats in Boston Harbor today, the oldest and most distinguished warship on active duty anywhere in the world. Her sister, Constellation, rests in Baltimore.

When Thomas Jefferson became President in 1801, the Bashir of Tripoli demanded $225,000 in tribute – an unbelievable fortune and punishment for Jefferson’s outspoken hatred of the pirates. Jefferson refused payment and Tripoli then declared war on the United States. And the First Barbary War broke out. Jefferson sent the new US Navy to the north coast of Africa and laid siege to the pirates. Led by Commodore Edward Preble, the US Navy systematically hunted down and destroyed the Corsair raiders. Over a period of two years, Preble forced the pirates from the ocean and back into the city states from whence they came. Then Preble laid siege to the cities. In the most famous incident, Naval hero Captain Stephen Decatur and a contingent of the very first US Marines sailed into Tripoli Harbor in a captured Corsair ketch renamed USS Intrepid, and retook the USS Philadelphia, which had been captured after running aground during an armed reconnaissance of Tripoli harbor. Decatur and the Marines stormed Philadelphia and took the ship without firing a shot. American ships then came alongside but Philadelphia could not be readied for sail in time. With cannon shot from the shore batteries falling all around them, Decatur and his Marines fired Philadelphia and burned her to keep her out of the Corsair’s hands. This single action of unbelievable skill and daring defines the very heart of the US Navy and Marine Corps today.

Two months later Preble took his squadron into Tripoli harbor and fought a series of running battles to smash the remains of the Corsair fleet once and for all. At the vanguard of this action, USS Intrepid, now designated a Fire Ship and packed with explosives was sailed into the harbor under the command of Captain Richard Somers with a crew of two officers and ten enlisted volunteers. They intended to sail Intrepid straight into the enemy fleet, light the fuses, and escape in the ship’s boat – hopefully to be picked up by Preble’s fleet before the Corsairs could catch them. Something went wrong and Intrepid detonated early. Somers and his men were killed in the explosion. But the battle was won and the final nail in the Corsair’s coffin came when Marines under the command of General William Eaton and US Marine First Lieutenant Presley O’Bannon and an army of mercenaries marched overland and took the pirate city of Dema at bayonet point. Then they turned to advance on Tripoli itself. Crushed between Preble’s iron blockade and O’Bannon’s advance, the Bashir sued for peace. A treaty was signed on June 10, 1805.

Acting Lieutenants (actually senior Midshipmen) Henry Wadsworth (Uncle of the famous poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow) and Joseph Israel were with Captain Somers on USS Intrepid, and all three of them along with six men from USS Constitution (William Harrison, Robert Clark, Hugh McCormick, Jacob Williams, Peter Renner and Issac Downes) and four from USS Nautilus (James Simms, Thomas Tompline, James Harris and William Keith) are buried in an overgrown, weed infested lot beneath a crumbling stone monument in a small neglected park on the outskirts of Tripoli, Libya. The United States has petitioned Libya for their return for many, many years now – and so far has been refused.

Lt James Decatur (not to be confused with Captain Stephen Decatur) was killed while commanding one of USS Constitution’s gun boats, shot through the head.

Lt Caldwell and Midshipman Dorsey were killed when one of USS Syren’s gunboats was struck by canon shot and exploded.

In the end the pirates were driven back and Tripoli crushed, but the threat was far from vanquished. Another pirate war, the Second Barbary War, and the War of 1812 would follow before the world understood that the vessels of the United States of America and her allies were not to be molested. But at the end of those conflicts, they did understand – and any time that memory dimmed one had only to look upon the seas and the warships of the United States Navy standing watch there to be reminded of the penalty for attacking Americans.

And so it has stood for well over a century.

But once again our people are threatened by pirates operating from the coast of Africa. This time it’s the lawless coast of the Horn of Africa. I’ve been there, it is a terrible place. A place where life is expensive and death is cheap and no one is safe.

At first the pirates claimed to be protecting the sovereign coastal waters of Somalia against illicit fishing. It wasn’t long however, before those vigilantes discovered that piracy was far more lucrative than fisheries enforcement – and like the Corsairs of old, they were encouraged by their success and the astronomical tribute other nations were willing to pay to keep the sea lanes open and their vessels free. Like any human endeavor, if one person is successful, others will follow – and like greenhorns flocking en mass to the gold fields of the Klondike (or Warlords to the Blood Diamond trade, to use an analogy more specific to Africa), new pirates flooded the Indian Ocean and the Arabian Sea. The lawless land of Somalia gives them refuge and a free hand. The warlords there, like the Bashirs of the Barbary Coast before them, take their tribute. And every ransom paid only encourages them more.

Piracy is not a problem in Somalia, it’s the national industry.

Make no mistake, there is nothing romantic about these pirates. They are lawless criminals, violent and ruthless men who have killed hundreds and looted billions and demand ever more every day. You only read about the big ships, the ones full of weapons or relief supplies. You rarely hear about the private yachts and the smaller ships sailing for the Suez Canal. These vessels disappear without a trace, their crews and passengers raped and murdered, their cargo stolen and sold openly in the markets of Yemen and Somalia, and vessels themselves liquidated on the black market.

These men are not freedom fighters. They are not enforcing the sovereignty of Somalia, there is no sovereign Somalia. They are not the duly appointed maritime security force of the Somalia government, there is no such thing and no such government. They are not the victims of racism or the model of democracy in action (though I agree that Somalia itself is the predicable result of decades, if not centuries, of failed foreign policy and proxy wars by nations the world over – however, this fact does in no way justify the actions of the pirates. Period. If you think so, you're simply rationalizing brigandage and anarchy to prove your point – and you can look up which logical fallacy that is on your own). They are most certainly not defending their country from the depredations of the West as reported by Al Jareeza, this is nothing more than a load of hogwash manufactured whole cloth. The actions of the pirates, and pirates they are and make no mistake, belie all of these idiotic notions. The fact that the pirates attempted to take the M/V Alabama, loaded with relief supplies for Kenya and operating well outside Somalia waters shows how utterly in error such nonsense statements are.

No, these men are nothing more than the Corsairs of old, reborn. They have found a lucrative and repeatable way of extorting enormous amounts of money from other nations – including their own people and fellow Africans. The money and assets they take benefit only a few and the most ruthless, and do nothing to relieve the festering horror that is Somalia. Indeed, the actions of the pirates and the warlords directly increase the isolation of Somalia, and reduce aid and relief to the region. These men are criminals of the worst kind, they prey on their own neighbors as well as maritime targets of opportunity.

This threat is expanding every day. The pirates raid further and further from their bases. They demand bigger and bigger ransoms. They have threatened to kill any and all French and American citizens (including relief workers) in retaliation for what they perceive as transgressions against what they increasingly see as their right to control the high seas. This threat against Americans is tantamount to a declaration of war, the same as the Bashir of Tripoli two centuries ago.

It’s not a matter of avoiding those areas. We cannot. Our vessels cannot. Any ship transiting the Suez Canal and the Horn of Africa, and increasingly anywhere in the western Indian Ocean is at risk. Those risks translate into massively increased insurance costs, fuel costs as vessels have to move faster and further to avoid capture and attack, and increased delays in shipping. These things have a direct impact on you, on fuels costs, on the costs of goods, on the safety of your fellow countrymen, and on the world economy.

Just as our ancestors before us, we are faced with two choices, pay tribute or fight.

Unlike our ancestors we have a powerful and fully capable Navy and Marine Corps who were born in just this sort of fire and are supremely aware of our legacy and history and would like nothing better than to hunt these bastards down and wipe them from the face of the Earth.

Make no mistake, folks, we cannot live in peace with these people, just as you could not live in peace with criminal gangs who break into your house to steal and rape and murder.

It is time to halt the shortsighted policies of the previous administration, stop decommissioning ships that were specifically designed for this mission – the FFG-7 Oliver Hazard Perry Class Frigates. Dozens of these ships have be decommissioned in recent years in favor of new, advanced, pie in the sky technology ships, designed to fight mythical hi-tech bogymen from the Cold War. This is a mistake. The FFG-7 is small, fast, relatively inexpensive to operate, capable of sustained endurance, and armed with a 3” main battery and capable of carrying two advanced combat helicopters. These ships are ideally suited to this mission, and we already have dozens of them. Strip out the anti-submarine weapons, and fill the resulting space with Marines. With a cruiser for command and control, the pirates won’t stand a chance.

And while we’re at it, now is the perfect opportunity to mend the fences trampled by the previous administration. It’s time to join forces with those nations who were once our traditional allies, such as France, and who are willing to stand up and fight.

No other American vessel should ever again fall into the hands of pirates.

No dime of American money should go to tribute or ransom.

However it’s managed, this threat must be exterminated now.

If you doubt me, stand before the Tripoli Monument and read those names again:

Captain Richard Somers

Lieutenant James Caldwell

Lieutenant James Decatur

Lieutenant (acting) Henry Wadsworth

Lieutenant (acting) Joseph Israel

Midshipman Thomas Dorsey

and all of the others who have given the ultimate sacrifice so that we may be free.

Followup post is here: Somalia

____________________________________________________________________

Update:

To those of you running Google searches about Teddy Roosevelt and Eden Pedicaris and the last of the Barbary pirates - that would be a really good example of why you shouldn't get your history from Hollywood. Don't get me wrong, John Milius' The Wind and the Lion is one of my very, very favorite movies ever, but it's a complete load of historical fiction.

Mostly.

There was an event called the Pedicaris Incident where an American citizen was kidnapped from his home in Morocco. Sort of. The man's name was actually Ion Pedicaris and he did became friends with the brigand and kidnapper Razuli - which is similar in broad strokes to the events of the movie. And Teddy did send the Atlantic squadron, and he did supposedly say, "This government wants Perdicaris alive or Raisuli dead!" - though it was at a fund raiser and not an official declaration of the government. But that's about all the movie got right. There was no military action, the situation was resolved through diplomacy, with the help of France and Spain - and has nothing whatsoever to do with the Barbary Wars.

On the other hand, Milius' "prequel to The Wind and the Lion, Roughriders, is much closer to historical accuracy and is also a damned fine movie. Highly recommended.

Go Navy!

SEALs 3: Pirates: big fat 0.

How would you like to be the pirate on USS Bainbridge? Suddenly everybody is pointing a gun except for you. Oh man, damnit! Don't you feel stupid? But, really, how did you think this was going to end?

Way to go, Navy. Well done.


Now, it's time to quit fucking around and do the job.

No more bullshit. No more discussion. No more UN meetings and memos and sanctions.

Deploy the fleet and clean these bastards out. We know where they are, we know how they operate, we know where they're based. International law regarding piracy on the high seas is clear and it is long past time to erradicate these lawless bastards like the vermin they are.

Surrendar and face the gallows, or be blown from the water. Period.

I have more than a bit of experience in this area and I'll have some detailed thoughts up on this tomorrow. In the meantime CW, who is also experienced in this subject, over on Refugees From the City has a couple of excellent posts up.

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

I don't know if this is a good thing or not, but I just want to point out that I'm secure enough in my own manhood to post it.



Yeah, Matey, how long can you last?

It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer

I mentioned this computer the other day.

The ancient Gateway 2000 tower I’ve had sitting in my basement for years now.

We bought this machine in 1992.

That’s right, seventeen years ago. I have a seventeen year old Gateway 2000. Seventeen years is prehistoric for a computer. Hell, seventeen years is longer than the earth has been around according to some Creationists, who claim that this computer isn’t really that old but only appears that way because Noah used it on the Ark to play Solitaire while he waited for the deluge to recede. Whole nations have risen and fallen and new worlds have been discovered around distant stars in the seventeen years since this machine booted up for the first time. Today, it’s like an archaeopteryx, some primitive hairy-feathered flightless bird from the Jurassic epoch, its bones prized from the soft stone beneath my house, given flesh again by teams of scientists, and set on display for small children to marvel at in fearful fascination, or as my son put it last night, “What’s this piece of crap doing in the middle of the floor?”

Why do I still have it? (Aside from its obvious intrinsic historical value, I mean)

Well, for a number of reasons, I guess. It was the first major purchase my wife and I made after we were married. It cost a hell of a lot of money back then. I’m reluctant to throw away technology (Somewhere in the back of my mind I have this nightmare vision of a ravaged Earth, humanity hunted and driven to the brink of extinction by terrifying alien robot invaders who have come from burnt out stars and destroyed our technology, crushed our armies, brushed aside our nuclear weapons, but their one weakness has been discovered and the government led by a post-Betty Ford Rehab Clinic former child actor turned radio shock jock who was then swept into the White House on a wave of popular support and became a beloved redheaded president has a plan – all they need an old 486/33 running DR-DOS and an 8-track streaming tape backup unit, a couple of SCSI II cables, and 75 baud acoustic modem. The fate of the world hangs in the balance, government agents knock on my door and demand access to my storeroom for the sake of humanity – and there I stand, “Oh, soooo sorry MIB Dudes, I just threw that shit out last week. Total bummer guys. I’m really sorry.” See? I’d feel pretty damned stupid for letting humanity down like that).

Plus it was a really great machine when I bought it.

In those days you got a copy of Byte or Computer Shopper and Gateway 2000 had these big multi-page color glossy adds right in the middle of the magazine. They listed a spread of machines with differing capabilities, usually sitting in a cow pasture surrounded by Holsteins. Then you called Gateway 2000 at their barn-like factory in Sioux City, South Dakota and ordered your machine. Customer service was uniformly excellent, knowledgeable, polite, friendly, and helpful. They walked you through the ordering process and the creation of your machine. Two weeks later, custom built, it arrived via UPS at your doorstep in a couple of black and white spotted boxes like a pair of enormous cubical cows.

I loved Gateway 2000 machines. They were just plain excellent. Massive, robust, built in America by Midwest cow farmers from the finest grains and greenest alfalfa sprouts and able to stem the tide of alien invasions – in 8-bit EGA color and tinny 4-bit sound.

Gateway 2000 itself was an outstanding company. Customer and quality orientated. Fast. Dependable. Excellent service. Cutting edge products.

The computer itself aged gracefully. Originally it came with an Intel 80486 processor clocked at 33MHz. 8 Megs of RAM and a 120Meg harddrive rounded out the package. It came with MS-DOS 3.21. I slicked the drive and installed Digital Research’s DR-DOS version 5, Word Perfect, and Borland’s Turbo Basic and Turbo Pascal. The machine did not come with a mouse. Mice were something those sissy Apple guys with the long hair and hygiene issues used. It went through many upgrades, eventually ending up as it is now with a AMD GreenTree Pentium 1 clone designed to run on a 486 Motherboard (after hardwired chipset upgrades – no such thing as flash firmware in the Jurassic), 16Megs of RAM, 8 parallel ports, 4 serial, 2 SCSI 1 and 2 SCSI II ports, an internal modem, a huge 4 gig drive, two 1x CDROMs, 8-bit VGA graphics and sound card running Windows 98b – and a Microsoft serial ball mouse. Hell the power supply alone could probably drive a fully loaded Greyhound bus at 14.4kbps down the information super highway.

Eventually, it just couldn’t be upgraded anymore and we went looking for a new machine. By then Gateway 2000 was just Gateway. The company itself had gone through a series of upgrades, and then the Dot Com bust, and had emerged much worse for wear. They’d moved from the Midwest to Silicon Valley – and quadrupled their operating and manufacturing costs. Gone was the great customer service, farmed out to overseas service centers. Gone too was the outstanding quality of their products, the manufacturing of which had also moved overseas using cheap labor and cheaper components. Gateway machines were far, far inferior to the original Gateway 2000’s. Like Sears and their Craftsman line of tools, Gateway declined steadily in quality, service, and innovation until they were a mere shell of their former glory. They tired to reboot several times using various methods, nothing worked. The company was finally bought out by Acer in 2007 and no longer exists for all practical purposes.

As I’ve noted elsewhere, my storeroom (one of several actually) has steadily accumulated various carcasses of deceased computers over the years. The basement was filled with piles of antiquated and burned out technology that were mostly just taking up space. Now, we have a lot of room and a lot of storage space and it wasn’t really an issue. But a while back I decided to overhaul the attached garage, removing shelves and various other things in order to make room for the big emergency generator and its associated electrical transfer panel. A lot of things got moved to the basement. That’s when I realized that I have a lot of junk. And that’s when I realized it was time for some spring cleaning and a trip or two to the dump. Over the past week I’ve pulled out and stripped a half dozen computers, removing anything useful and anything that shouldn’t go in the landfill, like circuit cards – those will go to recycling. I’m boxing up the parts I’m keeping and I’m pretty proud of my self, what once filled an entire storeroom now fits in two small boxes. And the storerooms are clean, organized, and empty.

The very last piece of junk to be stripped is the Gateway 2000.

I went to pull it apart yesterday and then I wondered – does it still work?

It’s been at least eight, maybe nine, years since the last time I plugged it in. Hmmmm. I rooted around and came up with the keyboard and mouse (the keyboard is the old GW2000 Anykey Keyboard, still the best damned keyboard ever made – but it’s a DIN connector type, remember those?). The monster 19-inch Gateway 2000 CRT that came with the machine has long since died so I plugged in a small flatscreen and fired that sucker up.

It powered up, then bitched at me about the internal CMOS battery being dead. Really? I typed in the date, time, and fooled around until I remembered how to load the harddrive specifications. Then told it to boot the operating system.

Ninety seconds later it was fully up.

Amazing, seventeen years old, eight or nine years sitting in a dusty storeroom, full of dirt and dusty bunnies and who knows what else and it still runs like a top.

I briefly thought about seeing if I could get it to run Vista, but hey why spoil the moment, eh?

I also thought about hooking it into the phone lines, it still has the old CompuServe access numbers and BBS software and I wondered if I plugged it in would it connect me to 1995? I thought maybe I could send my younger self an email from the future - don't vote for Bush, Jim, also remember your wife's birthday is on the 15th, every year, and your keys are between the sofa cushions. Oh, and Blu-Ray wins out, don't buy that HD-DVD, Doofus - remember how that whole BetaMax thing worked out. Then I thought it probably wasn't a good idea to screw around with the space time continuum like that - plus I couldn't find a phone jack.

I let it run for a couple of hours, just to see if the ancient power supply would eventually smoke. But it hummed right along, steady and sounding like a gas turbine on an 747. Hell, even the fans purred along like they were made yesterday.

Eventually my wife complained that the machine was probably sucking up enough power to induce nuclear fusion with nothing really to show for it. I got the hint and powered the beast down for the last time.

Today it will get stripped and the chassis taken to the dump along with the rest of the storeroom debris and the last remnants of a once pioneering company will be gone forever.

It’s OK though, if the aliens do invade we can still execute the President’s plan using 486/33 emulation on our iMacs…

Cybersecurity 2009

In the Navy we used to have a lot of inspections.

Inspections, of course, aren’t unique to the Navy, they are a common occurrence in any branch of military service.

In the Navy we had uniform inspections, zone inspections, maintenance inspections, readiness inspections, equipment inspections, weapons inspections, security inspections, classified materials inspections, pre-deployment inspections, engineering inspections, fire and safety inspection, medical inspections, required publications inspections, and, well, hell, we had a lot of inspections.

Periodically, we’d also do something called a Health and Comfort inspection. A H&C is where senior NCO’s inspect the personal belongings of each junior member of the crew and the crew’s living quarters. The senior petty officers and the Chiefs would go through each crewman’s locker, both coffin and stand-up, their rack (a Sailor’s bunk area), and sometimes even require that a Sailor turn out his or her pockets. The senior Petty Officers were inspected by the Chiefs, the Chiefs by the Officers, the Officers by the Executive Officer and the XO by the Captain. (Generally, the Captain doesn’t get subjected to a H&C, rank hath its privileges after all – though if it became necessary that inspection would be conducted by the squadron Commodore.)

In an H&C inspection what we’re looking for is contraband. Drugs and alcohol, unauthorized weapons, hazardous materials, stolen property, health concerns, and like that. Sometimes a Health and Comfort inspection is announced in advance, but most times an H&C is conducted as a surprise inspection. All H&C’s turn up something. When I was an instructor at the Naval Technical Training Center in Pensacola, the command ordered an H&C of the student barracks for the first time in years (the Navy was undergoing a major post-Tailhook overhaul at the time). The pile of illicit booze stacked up in the courtyard was taller than my head and twenty feet in diameter. The pile of weapons was almost as big. The pile of sex toys and pornography was equally impressive (Contrary to popular belief, pornography is not permitted in Navy barracks, especially post Tailhook). The biggest pile of all was the heap of unauthorized electronics, everything from electric razors to computers to TVs and game stations and especially hot plates and coffee makers. It’s not that you can’t have such things in a Navy barracks room, it’s that they have to be electrically certified first by the Electrical Safety Officer or one of his flunkies. You bring your electronic device to the electronic shop during the approved hours, and a tech inspects the device (grounding check, cord in good repair, no exposed wires, etc) and slaps a certification sticker on it, or tells you that you either need to get it fixed or toss it in the dumpster as a safety hazard. In addition, any equipment involved in food preparation has to be inspected by medical – your coffee pot for example, or your microwave oven. Shore commands vary in their enforcement of the the electrical safety program, but ships are fanatical about it. And, just for the record, during a ship’s Admin inspection, the Electrical Safety Inspection program gets inspected.

We inspected people, specifically their bodies. There’s an old saying in the military, Your soul may belong to God, but your ass belongs to Uncle Sam. We checked that haircuts and mustaches and ear hair were within regulations. We checked that fingernails were clipped, and, in the case of woman, painted in an approved color. Medical and dental checkups were mandatory. In the military, you don’t have the option of avoiding the dentist, or your yearly prostate finger wave, or your annual pap smear, or your Anthrax inoculation, or wandering around with a case of the crabs. You want a tattoo, you need permission (though this is rarely enforced outside of special forces and special programs where identifying personal marks can have an impact on your career). Piecings are also strictly controlled, and you can get into serious trouble for it. (sometimes in a hysterically funny fashion. I once saw a young maintenance tech grab his crotch, start screaming like an axe murder victim, and dance around spastically while looking for all the world like he was trying to yank his own reproductive organ off through his coveralls. Seems the gold rings he recently had placed in his scrotal piercings where picking up excesses RF radiation from a high power amplifier that he had gundecked the safety procedures on – right before switching it on for a full power test. Exactly like a spoon in a microwave, those gold rings got hot, fast. Really hot. (Actually a good thing, because the metal heated first, alerting us to the problem and causing an immediate manual shutdown of the amplifier before the microwave energy could bake us. From then on we referred to that as the “Electromagnetic Ball Detector.” Yeah, that kid didn’t last long in my unit. Trust me. Failure to replace a shield, then forcing the safety switch so the amp would power up anyway is a level of stupid that almost defies comprehension. There’s a reason why you remove all rings and metal object from your person when working on such equipment, and strict rules and inspections to ensure compliance with procedure).

Basically, in the Navy we inspected everything – including personal communication. There is no such thing as private communications on a US military facility – especially shipboard. All incoming and outgoing email is scanned, usually electronically but sometimes by a real live human censor, for sensitive information. I happen to know a former Navy Captain who was masted before the Admiral and forced to retire his commission under other than honorable circumstance for displaying the bad sense to discuss the extramarital affair he was having - with a junior enlisted man’s wife while his own wife lay dying in the hospital from cancer no less - via shipboard email and chat. Every phone call from a US government facility is subject to monitoring, every one. This includes cell phone communications. There’s a big sign outside the gate of every US military and government facility that specifically calls out US Code, Title 10 and that by entering the base or facility you implicitly consent to monitoring and inspection. Period and no exceptions.

And you know what? Those inspections and monitoring work, for the most part. Despite the sometimes incredible dangers inherent in the military, we have a lot less accidents, per capita, than most civilians. Those intrusive, privacy violating, Health and Comfort inspections save lives and demonstrably increase the safety of the majority. Those electrical safety inspections have prevented countless fires – and in the confines of a ship or a crowded barracks those fires could have killed or injured hundreds and cost the taxpayer billions. Those mandatory medical and dental inspections have saved countless lives and improved the health and safety of millions of military personal. Those phone calls we monitor? Not a month goes by that we don’t catch somebody divulging classified information, usually accidentally. Those mistakes can cost lives and again billions, and have.

Now, show of hands, how many of you would like to live like that?

Really? Why not?

If you’re following the rules, regulations, and laws – why wouldn’t you want to live under a system that significantly increases your health, safety, and security?

Close inspection of military personal, their equipment, their communications, their health, and personal effects can be demonstrated to have significantly increased safety, security, readiness, wellbeing, and saved the taxpayer untold billions. I think that it could be demonstrated that if we decided to ditch the Constitution and subject every American and other resident of this country to the same type of inspection and monitoring, the general safety of citizenry would be significantly increased. Seriously, how many deaths would be prevented each year if the fire department conducted a bi-annual inspection of your house? Checking that you’ve replaced your smoke detector batteries and aren’t storing your gas cans next to the water heater? Maybe we should make it mandatory that you get all of your electrical appliances checked by a tech down at the local town hall, how many electrical fires would be prevented as a result? Ask yourself how many cases of food poisoning could be avoided by having the health department come in once a month and check to make sure you are properly cleaning out those nasty leftovers in the fridge and scrubbing your counters once in a while. How about those medicine cabinets? How many of you have expired or excess medicine that should have been thrown out long ago, just waiting for your kids to decide they look like fun? Hell, here in Alaska, you can’t buy cold medicine off the shelf, you’ve got to get it from the pharmacist behind the counter. Supposedly this keeps the kids from turning Sudafed into a recreational drug, but once you bring it home there’s nothing to keep it out of your little coke dealer’s hands. You wouldn’t have that problem if the BATF came through once a month and made sure you were storing your medicine securely. What about Schedule 1 drugs? How many of you are sure you don’t have illegal drugs in your house? Are you sure that your kids, or their friends, or that asshole from the office who came to your party last week, didn’t bring some in? Don’t you want to know for sure? BATF should bring along a couple of drug dogs on their monthly visit. Now I know no Stonekettle Station regular would have illegal downloads, but many people have copies of movies or music they didn’t pay for. That’s a crime. They’re stealing money from the entertainment industry and that costs all of us. Why shouldn’t the recording industry enforcers have the right to inspect your computer periodically? How many people fudge on their taxes? How about home businesses, are they complying with all the laws? Even when nobody is looking? Maybe the IRS should perform surprise audits of every citizen on a periodic basis – seriously here, isn’t that in the public interest? How about our kids? Sexting, you know what that is? You should, it’s the hula-hoop fad of the new millennium. It’s when you send naked pictures of yourself or others from your camera phone via video texting. How many of your kids are doing this? A hell of lot, actually, according to recent figures, and wouldn’t you want to know if it was happening in your house? If your kid is underage, it’s child pornography. It could also be solicitation of a minor. It could be public indecency. Hell it falls under a lot of statutes. Now, if people knew that NSA was monitoring every picture sent across the web, with serious consequences for those involved, wouldn’t that cut down on a heinous crime? How about those people you hear about who keep dead relatives around for years, stuffed in the freezer, or mummified in a back bedroom? Periodic H&C of every dwelling in America would keep that kind of insanity from happening.

I could go on here, but then I’d just start getting silly.

But in all honesty people are generally bastard flavored bastards with bastard filling and little bastard sprinkles on top. Even well intentioned people break laws in their own home or when they think people aren’t watching. They speed. They do unsafe things. They do stupid things. They do ignorant things. They eat fatty foods. They drink themselves blind. They beat their kids and their spouses and their dogs. And it costs us all. It costs us in public safety, public health, national security, national income, taxes, and a wide variety of other things. Now, we can never prevent all of this. We can never be 100% safe, or secure, or efficient – but we could do a hell of a lot better.

So how come we don’t?

How come you people would rather live with significantly increased risk instead of significantly increased security, safety, and efficiency?

Hey, don’t look at me – I was in the military for twenty years and I don’t want to live like that either.

It’s about freedom, isn’t it?

And it’s about liberty.

It’s about the ideals that America was founded on.

You Goddamned right it is.

Which brings us to The Cybersecurity Act of 2009, unveiled yesterday by Senators John Rockefeller (D-W. Va) and Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) in a show of bipartisan stupidity. Basically, if enacted, this law would explicitly give the President power to shut down all domestic Internet traffic.

Sound alarmist? Go read the draft, I’ll wait.

Basically, the Cybersecurity Act would give the president the authority to “declare a cybersecurity emergency” and shut down or limit Internet traffic in any “critical” information network “in the interest of National Security.” The definition of “Cybersecurity Emergency,” “Critical network,” and “National Security” would be left up to the president.

Now, what does that have to do with the introduction to this post? Well, see, the Cybersecurity Act of 2009 would also allow the Secretary of Commerce “access to all relevant data” concerning critical networks “without regard to any provision of law, regulation, rule, or policy restricting such access.” Yep. Basically what that means is that the SoC can monitor or access any data on any private, commercial, or public network without regard to privacy laws providing he’s doing it for national security reasons – as he defines it – no warrant, no oversight, no regard for existing laws. In effect this bills creates a new domestic intelligence organ under the Department of Commerce. Now, since the DoC has neither the assets nor the expertise for such things, they’ll need to find somebody who has both unlimited assets and the requisite knowledge in the area of domestic monitoring. Those folks are up on MD32, just off the Baltimore Washington Parkway. Ask yourself just how closely you’d like to have the Department of Commerce and the Pentagon intertwined.

Rockafeller said yesterday, "We must protect our critical infrastructure at all costs—from our water to our electricity, to banking, traffic lights and electronic health records—the list goes on."

Snowe agreed, and went further saying, "if we fail to take swift action, we, regrettably, risk a cyber-Katrina."

Now here’s a funny little aside, all those Conservatives who were so gung-ho about the Patriot Act and the Protect America Act, which made it legal for the Bush Administration to spy on Americans at home and without warrants, are all screaming bloody murder about how President Obama wants to snoop through their computers. One wonders if they’d be so opposed if Bush and Cheney were still in the White House. Pretty damned ironic, if you ask me, especially since they’ve already given Obama the power to shut down or intrude into their computer systems. Oh, yes, that’s right folks, The Homeland Security Act gives the president wide ranging and direct control over critical national infrastructure – and guess what the Internet is?

Those powers are detailed in Presidential Decision Directives 63, Executive Orders 13228 and 13231, the Homeland Security Presidential Directive 7, and the National Infrastructure Plan.

Basically, conservatives, you already gave Obama permission to cut off your access and look through you computer files. Forgive me while I enjoy a mocking chuckle at your expense.

This bill really doesn’t give the president any new power at all, though it does shift power from the Department of Defense to the Department of Commerce to a certain extent. In reality, of course, it will simply expand the power of both departments and simply bypass Constitutional protections for all Americans.

This bill has nothing to do with the current or past occupant of the Oval Office, but it’s very likely to have a great deal to do with future occupants.

Far from protecting the rights and securities of Americans, this bill is about power. It’s about protecting and expanding the power of government. This bill is about government to the people, not of, by, and for the people. Conservatives who pushed through bills that gave unfettered power to the last president are suddenly finding out what a sharp two edged sword that power is, now that it can be turned against them and not just the liberals they despise so badly. Allow this bill to become law, you give not only this president, but all who follow him even more unchecked power… and one day your children are very likely to have a President who becomes Emperor during a period of extended and unending crises. Sound crazy? Sound alarmist and paranoid and conspiracy theorist? You should do some reading into how Republics die.

Will this president abuse his power as the last one did? I don’t know. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely, there are few truisms more true than that. Our founding fathers knew it, and they designed this country to deliberately limit the powers of the president. Any president. All presidents. Conservative presidents. Liberal presidents. All presidents. And not just the president, this bill gives nearly unlimited power to the Commerce Department. Power that they’ve never had. Power that they have no experience managing or controlling. The National Security Agency under the Department of Defense has been doing this since 1952, under strict guidelines put in place after numerous abuses – and still abuses occur. I have to wonder how the DoC will protect the rights of Americans, how they’ll keep their own people from abusing the unlimited information and power they will suddenly have access to when they can reach into private and commercial networks without regard for the law. The potential for abuse is simply staggering and of an order of magnitude beyond anything that has gone before. Our world, our nation, our lives are inside those machines. Everything, banking information, production, prototyping, travel, mental and physical health records, finance, investment, ideas, thoughts, designs, communications, worldview, access to maps, navigation, services, opinions, news, what you buy, what you eat, your location every time you swipe a credit card or dial a phone, who you talk to, and more. Much, much more. Everything is in there. Believe me folks, I know, I used to do this for a living. Right now, it takes a court order to pry into a majority of this information. The Electronic Privacy Act protects your 1st, 4th, and 5th Amendment rights in the online world – this bill would gut that protection and make a sham of the very rights those of us in the military gave up in order to protect.

We’ve traveled down the wrong road for eight years now. We’ve given up our freedoms, we’ve made our president a king in all but name – all because we have repeatedly allowed shortsighted and foolish leaders to frighten us with meaningless made up bogymen like “Weapons of Mass Destruction,” “islamofascism,” “emboldened purveyors of false populism” - and now we have a new word, Cyber-Katrina. Yet another meaningless and undefined threat used to frighten the populace into acquiesce.

It’s long past time to return to the vision of our founders. It’s long past time to stand up and demand the inalienable rights we as Americans are guaranteed under the Constitution.

There are dangers in the online world, there are national security threats, but this bill will do absolutely nothing to protect us from them. And will in fact go one more step towards destroying the very things that make the United States a nation of free people.

I strongly urge you to write your congressmen and demand that this bill be substantially revised to fully and clearly protect the Constitutional rights of all Americans, limit its scope and power, and require full adherence to 200 years of US Constitutional law – or better yet be thrown out altogether, let it die a silent death in committee.