What’s the matter, Gentle Reader, got the blues?
Getting repeatedly cornholed by The Party leaving you a little raw?
Tea Party says defaulting on our debts is a good thing and that makes you cranky?
Worried that America is about to become a bankrupt third world soccer playing shithole where Spanish speaking chickens wander the street and dysentery is the national pastime?
Well of course you are.
But you know, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Becoming a Third World shithole, I mean.
You’ve got to look at the silver lining.
Now, now, quit sniffling. I know it’s not easy seeing that the glass is half full. You’re scared and nervous and thinking about getting stinkin’ drunk, aren’t you?
Me too – well, minus the scared and nervous part anyway.
So how’s about you quit Bogarting the Victory Gin, Winston, and pass it over here? If Oceana is gonna burn, we here at MiniStone say get out the Fiddles and Par-Tay!
Oh for crying out loud. Look, don’t be a double plus ungood wet blanket.
Sure, there’s no doubt this permanent state of emergency can be depressing, what with the Default Crisis and all (heh heh, default crisis, see what I did there with the Orwellian 1984 pun? Double plus subtle, eh?). We were just getting over Budget Crises 2011 or 2010: The Prequel or whatever episode it was. And before that it was the Health Care Crisis and the Mortgage Crisis and, of course, there was the Bailout Crisis and the Social Security Crisis and the Medicare Crisis and who can forget my favorite, The Defense of Marriage Crisis? There was the Election Crisis and the Birth Certificate Crisis and There’s A Stinky Black Man in the White House Crisis and well, hell, I forget, it’s all just starting to blur together.
Today it’s the Debt Ceiling Crisis.
Crisis, crisis, crisis! It’s always something. What is it this week? War with Eurasia or war with Eastasia? What’s next? Show of hands, who really cares? I mean really? So long as they keep the conflict going, that’s the important thing. It’s not the battles that matter, it’s the war. Got to keep fighting. Hearts and minds you know.
And hey, so what if we default on America’s debt?
There are a lot of advantages to becoming a Third World country. Really.
Think about it. No really think about it. If we’re a Third World shithole, guess what?
It’ll be awesome.
Look at Russia, when they were the Soviet Union it was all ideology this and ideology that. You’ve got to prop up puppet states, you’ve got to keep outspending the other guy, there’s sneakin’ and spyin’ and repressing to do. Hell your Olympic steroid budget alone can run into the billions. Man, it just never ends. Being a superpower is hard. Talk about hypertension. Nowadays, since Russia became a Third World shithole? Nobody gives a fuck! Pass the Vodka, Tovarich!
Hey! Stop that. What’d I say? Quit your blubbering. Take another hit off the bottle and pass it around the burn barrel. Stomp your feet, that’ll keep your toes from freezing. Mostly. Probably.
You know what the best part about default is? The Debt!
Seriously. When’s the last time a Third World country paid back their debt?
When’s the last time anybody actually expected them to?
Well, sure they’ll put our faces up on that Deadbeat Nation billboard outside the International Monetary Fund Headquarters.
No, no, stick with me here, this will be great. Really. Screw the debt. We’ll call it the Tea Party Child Support Plan, here’s how it works: We just don’t pay it. Fuck China. It’s just that simple. Boom! That’s a trillion bucks in our pocket right there. Win! Let’s spend it on Victory Gin, smokes, and porn, who’s with me? Seriously, what’s China going to do about it? Repo? Bawahaha! Go ahead! Joke’s on them! Guess what we bought with the money we borrowed from Bejing? Anybody know? I’ll tell you, we bought cheap Chinese goods! That’s right. And then we broke them. You want your shit back? Look behind the return counter at Wal-Mart. Help yourself.
What about the money we owe to Social Security?
That’s the best part, no more musty old people! Think about it. You ever hear of old people before Social Security? No, no you did not. That’s right, Social Security causes old people! No Social Security, no old people. We’ll live forever! Get rid of Welfare and we’ll cure poverty too! Double Rainbow!
Besides, this is about jobs, isn’t it?
That’s what they keep saying, right? Jobs, jobs, jobs, where are all the jobs? Where are they keeping ‘em?
I’ll tell you where the jobs are, they’re in Third World countries. Hello!
Common sense, folks. If we become a Third World country, we’ll get jobs too!
Defaulting will kill jobs? Yeah, in Bolivia! Because all the jobs? They’ll come here! Tell me we can’t out Third World Mexico! USA! USA! Booyah!
What’s that? I can’t hear you over the clapping sound of my awesome logic!
By this time next year we’ll be cranking out TV sets and computers and vacuum cleaners and those little shitty cars for consumers in India and Russia! Made-in-America products will fill Chinese Wal-Marts. Let their kids suck on our lead painted toys for a change, that’s what I’m talking about!
Illegal Immigration. Fixed! No need for a wall. No need for expensive border security. Who the fuck sneaks into a third world country? Nobody! Viva la revolucion, Che! Now, who wants to help me pick these tomatoes? Hello? Seriously, give it a year or two and Columbia will be buying cocaine from us!
Obesity Epidemic? Fixed! No money to buy food, no fat people! Diabetes cured for free, right there, without any socialist medicine.
Evolution Debate? Fuck it. We can’t afford schools! Where you gonna teach it? Who’s the monkey now, Darwin!
Hey, here’s something I bet you didn’t think about: Peace! Yep. No shirt, no shoes, no credit? No war. It’ll be just like the NFL lock out. You want to invade another country? Cash up front. Looks like you’ll need to find some corporate sponsors, bring in some advertising revenue, and sell those tickets. Hot cheerleaders might help, just an idea.
Yeah, but what if we need to buy something?
Well, we hit up our friends for spare change. Starting with Israel. I think they owe us a $20 or two.
See? Just like the Tea Party says, defaulting on the debt is a good thing.
And remember, folks, anybody asks you, we’ve always been at war with Eastasia!