It’s always something.
I mean, it’s always some damned thing with these people. They’re just not happy unless they’ve got something to chicken-little about.
First Barack Obama was a community organizer, gasp! Conservatives pointed this out during the election with arched eyebrows and knowing smirks. How, exactly, being a community organizer is not American I’m not quite sure, but apparently “community” sounds a lot like “communism” or “Negros are eating our babies” or something.
Then Obama was a member of the “Chicago Political Machine” – again, how that’s actually a threat to America I really have no idea. Honestly, if you think Chicago is any more corrupt than Juneau I’ve got an igloo to sell you. I checked the Constitution and wasn’t able to find a provision proclaiming Chicagoans as enemies of the state – though the Constitution did mention that Chicago style pizza is not as good as the more American New York style (hey, don’t yell at me, talk to Ben Franklin). But you know, If Chicago politicians are such threat, you’d think the previous administration would have invaded Illinois or something.
Then Obama was a socialist or a fascist or a fascist socialist or a social fascist – something to do with secret FEMA camps and universal healthcare, again I’m a little hazy on the logic here. And frankly if FEMA’s performance in stacking sandbags, sopping up oil from Pensacola beaches, or providing Port-O-Potties in an emergency is any example of their competence, well I suspect when Obama finally gets around to herding us into FEMA camps it’ll be a lot like the Romans in Monty Python’s Life of Brian. Crucifixion or the lions? Uh, neither, they said I could go free. Oh, well, alright then. No, no, just kidding, it’s FEMA death camps!
All along, of course Obama wasn’t really a natural born American citizen, but rather an illegal alien reptile in a rubber human suit, a foreign agent from Kenya – like some kind of Manchurian Terror Baby, inserted into this country five decades ago and waiting lo these many years, lurking unseen like a republican Senator on a gay porn site.
And now, of course, he’s not a Christian.
A recent poll shows that a significant fraction of Americans believe that Obama is secretly a Muslim (OMG! It’s Twue!). The results of the survey also indicate that a significant fraction of Americans are beer swilling simpletons who are in serious need of sedation and electro-shock therapy. Repeated high amperage electro-shock therapy. When questioned about Obama’s religious beliefs, Republican Senator Mitch McConnell said forcefully, “The president says he’s a Christian. I take him at his word. I don’t think that’s in dispute.” Except, of course, it is in dispute, Mitch, that sort being the whole point here – but, you know, way to definitively debunk that rumor, wink wink. Barack Obama spent twenty years as a member of Trinity United Church of Christ, you know as a member of Rev Jeremiah Wright’s Fire and Brimstone Christian Brigade – but apparently a large number of folks believe that was just a smoke screen, protective camouflage if you will, and as you know black Christian Churches are all secretly Muslims anyway. And in fact they believe Obama has been in engaged in a dedicated campaign to hide his true beliefs since birth. He’s the Magic Negro! Imbued with inhuman animal powers long lost to our pale ancestors! He’s like a Jedi of deception. My God, the unbelievable focus of the man, too bad he’s not on our side, if only the CIA had folks of such caliber. Evangelical leader, the right honorable reverend Franklin Graham, son of Billy Vanilly Graham, joined in with this pearl, “I think the president’s problem is that he was born a Muslim. He father was a Muslim. The seed of Islam is passed through the father, so he was born a Muslim, his father gave him an Islamic name. Now it’s obvious that the President has renounced the prophet Mohammed and he has renounced Islam and he has accepted Jesus Christ. That’s what he says he’s done. I cannot say that he hasn’t.” Wink wink. Franklin would know, after all his father gave him a Liberal’s name – or did we already write FDR out of the history books along with Thomas Jefferson? Fortunately Franklin was able to overcome that and embrace Jesus and the GOP. At least that’s what he says he’s done. Say, you don’t suppose Graham secretly supports universal healthcare, gay marriage, and a woman’s right to choose… Hey I’m just saying, Franklin, it makes you wonder.
None of this garbage is true, of course. Obama is a Christian and has been his entire life, provably so. He’s at least as good a Christian as Mitch McConnell is, and probably one hell of a lot closer to what Jesus intended than pompous overinflated hypocrites like Graham (and his pompous overinflated homophobic racist bigoted hypocrite of a father too, for that matter - who, if there actually is a God, will spend a significant fraction of eternity getting dunked repeatedly in boiling pitch).
But none of that matters. See, what Obama has is an image problem.
Image has been his biggest problem right from the start. He does a lot of things that could easily be confused for Islamaphilia. He probably doesn’t even realize how that comes across to real Americans. We’ll get to specifics in a minute, but in general there are a couple of personal habits Obama could change right up front. First, he’s too dark. He’s half white, he should try to emphasize that – hey, it almost worked for Michael Jackson. White people might not let him marry their daughters, but they might let him sleep with their underage sons… (what? Too soon?). He should only appear on Fox, and refer to all other media as “Lamestream.” Also, he should park the First Camel around back, instead of right out front where everybody can see it. Better yet, he should replace the President’s Limo with a Hummer H1. Two words: Skoal hat. Alternatively: commemorative Dale Earnhardt NASCAR hoodie – Give Rahm a $20 and send him over to the Arlington County Fair to pick up a couple. Don’t lead off the State of the Union Address with “As-Salamu Alaykum, my Brothas!” that just puts people off. He should change his middle name to Herbert Walker and refer to Michelle as “Babs.” And frankly, I don’t think he wears hunter orange nearly enough. The White House could also mention how he beat a prescription drug habit “on his own.” And if he can’t produce an actual birth certificate, he should provide at least a couple of draft deferments instead. He could consult an astrologer in times of stress (the number is probably still in Nancy Reagan’s rolodex).
Also? More WWF, less Glee.
Now, while those kinds of things would help him connect to the heartland none definitively prove his Christianity.
No, for that he’s going to need to put the mental in fundamentalism.
If B. Hussein Obama really wants to convince America that he’s a Christian, he’s going to have to do more than just attend Christian churches and pray with Christian leaders and have his kids baptized by a Christian preacher man and pray to the Christian God ten times a day and carry around the Christian bible. That kind of weak-assed conviction simply doesn’t cut it with a significant fraction of real Americans. The following is a list of ten things Obama can do to definitively prove once and for all that he is bathed in the blood of the lamb:
1. During an interview with Glenn Beck, proclaim proudly that God told him to run for President. He should say it with a straight face and act like hearing Jesus in your head is perfectly natural. He could mention how he saw an angel hiding behind the Oval Office drapes.
2. Pronounce it Evilolution. Use every public speaking event as an opportunity to educate the masses on the scientific wonders of creationism. People really enjoy being held captive and witnessed. If you’re not annoying the piss out of people, you’re not really a Christian are you?
3. Give rich people tax rebates and blame poor people for dragging down the economy. Jesus once spent a whole afternoon explaining the theory of Reaganomics to the Pharisees. It didn’t make the final edition of the bible, but it’s in the Dead Sea Scrolls. You can look it up.
4. Deny gay people their fundamental civil rights. And you know nothing says Christian like beating up a few queers. That’s what Jesus would have done.
5. Institute a bi-Annual White House book burning, held right after the Easter Egg Roll and lighting of the White House Christmas tree. Obama could invite the congregation of that Christian church in Florida what started National Burn a Quran Day. It could be televised via big screen right into public classrooms.
6. Shoot an abortion doctor. Oh, now don’t get all pissy. I’m not suggesting Obama actually whack an abortion provider. That would be crass. He could have the CIA do it…
7. Blame the Jews for pretty much everything, then insist on unconditional support to Israel. Remember, it’s not hypocrisy if you’re doing it to bring about the End Times! And on that note, appoint Mel Gibson as Good Will Ambassador to Tel Aviv.
8. Have a secret homosexual affair. This one is basically a slam dunk. Nothing says bestest Christian like snorting cocaine out of Rentboy’s sculpted belly button.
9. Join the Party of God (i.e. become a Republican).
10. Invade Iran (Just be careful not to call it a Crusade), kill another 6000 American servicemen. Blame Clinton for creating the conditions that led to war. And remember, Jesus gave us nukes for a reason.
I’ll be mailing this to the White House Email Account via a hacked GOP server.
I figure it’s the least I can do.