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Monday, August 23, 2010

Ten Things Obama Can Do to Prove He’s a Christian

It’s always something.

Isn’t it?

I mean, it’s always some damned thing with these people. They’re just not happy unless they’ve got something to chicken-little about.

First Barack Obama was a community organizer, gasp! Conservatives pointed this out during the election with arched eyebrows and knowing smirks. How, exactly, being a community organizer is not American I’m not quite sure, but apparently “community” sounds a lot like “communism” or “Negros are eating our babies” or something. 

Then Obama was a member of the “Chicago Political Machine” – again, how that’s actually a threat to America I really have no idea. Honestly, if you think Chicago is any more corrupt than Juneau I’ve got an igloo to sell you. I checked the Constitution and wasn’t able to find a provision proclaiming Chicagoans as enemies of the state – though the Constitution did mention that Chicago style pizza is not as good as the more American New York style (hey, don’t yell at me, talk to Ben Franklin).  But you know, If Chicago politicians are such threat, you’d think the previous administration would have invaded Illinois or something. 

Then Obama was a socialist or a fascist or a fascist socialist or a social fascist – something to do with secret FEMA camps and universal healthcare, again I’m a little hazy on the logic here.  And frankly if FEMA’s performance in stacking sandbags, sopping up oil from Pensacola beaches, or providing Port-O-Potties in an emergency is any example of their competence, well I suspect when Obama finally gets around to herding us into FEMA camps it’ll be a lot like the Romans in Monty Python’s Life of Brian.  Crucifixion or the lions? Uh, neither, they said I could go free. Oh, well, alright then.  No, no, just kidding, it’s FEMA death camps!

All along, of course Obama wasn’t really a natural born American citizen, but rather an illegal alien reptile in a rubber human suit, a foreign agent from Kenya – like some kind of Manchurian Terror Baby, inserted into this country five decades ago and waiting lo these many years, lurking unseen like a republican Senator on a gay porn site.

And now, of course, he’s not a Christian.

A recent poll shows that a significant fraction of Americans believe that Obama is secretly a Muslim (OMG! It’s Twue!). The results of the survey also indicate that a significant fraction of Americans are beer swilling simpletons who are in serious need of sedation and electro-shock therapy. Repeated high amperage electro-shock therapy. When questioned about Obama’s religious beliefs, Republican Senator Mitch McConnell said forcefully, “The president says he’s a Christian. I take him at his word. I don’t think that’s in dispute.” Except, of course, it is in dispute, Mitch, that sort being the whole point here – but, you know, way to definitively debunk that rumor, wink wink.  Barack Obama spent twenty years as a member of Trinity United Church of Christ, you know as a member of Rev Jeremiah Wright’s Fire and Brimstone Christian Brigade – but apparently a large number of folks believe that was just a smoke screen, protective camouflage if you will, and as you know black Christian Churches are all secretly Muslims anyway.  And in fact they believe Obama has been in engaged in a dedicated campaign to hide his true beliefs since birth.  He’s the Magic Negro! Imbued with inhuman animal powers long lost to our pale ancestors! He’s like a Jedi of deception. My God, the unbelievable focus of the man, too bad he’s not on our side, if only the CIA had folks of such caliber.   Evangelical leader, the right honorable reverend Franklin Graham, son of Billy Vanilly Graham, joined in with this pearl, “I think the president’s problem is that he was born a Muslim. He father was a Muslim. The seed of Islam is passed through the father, so he was born a Muslim, his father gave him an Islamic name. Now it’s obvious that the President has renounced the prophet Mohammed and he has renounced Islam and he has accepted Jesus Christ. That’s what he says he’s done. I cannot say that he hasn’t.” Wink wink. Franklin would know, after all his father gave him a Liberal’s name – or did we already write FDR out of the history books along with Thomas Jefferson? Fortunately Franklin was able to overcome that and embrace Jesus and the GOP. At least that’s what he says he’s done.  Say, you don’t suppose Graham secretly supports universal healthcare, gay marriage, and a woman’s right to choose…  Hey I’m just saying, Franklin, it makes you wonder.

None of this garbage is true, of course.  Obama is a Christian and has been his entire life, provably so. He’s at least as good a Christian as Mitch McConnell is, and probably one hell of a lot closer to what Jesus intended than pompous overinflated hypocrites like Graham (and his pompous overinflated homophobic racist bigoted hypocrite of a father too, for that matter - who, if there actually is a God, will spend a significant fraction of eternity getting dunked repeatedly in boiling pitch).

But none of that matters. See, what Obama has is an image problem.

Image has been his biggest problem right from the start. He does a lot of things that could easily be confused for Islamaphilia. He probably doesn’t even realize how that comes across to real Americans. We’ll get to specifics in a minute, but in general there are a couple of personal habits Obama could change right up front.  First, he’s too dark. He’s half white, he should try to emphasize that – hey, it almost worked for Michael Jackson.  White people might not let him marry their daughters, but they might let him sleep with their underage sons…  (what? Too soon?).  He should only appear on Fox, and refer to all other media as “Lamestream.” Also, he should park the First Camel around back, instead of right out front where everybody can see it.  Better yet, he should replace the President’s Limo with a Hummer H1. Two words: Skoal hat. Alternatively: commemorative Dale Earnhardt NASCAR hoodie – Give Rahm a $20 and send him over to the Arlington County Fair to pick up a couple. Don’t lead off the State of the Union Address with “As-Salamu Alaykum, my Brothas!” that just puts people off.  He should change his middle name to Herbert Walker and refer to Michelle as “Babs.” And frankly, I don’t think he wears hunter orange nearly enough.  The White House could also mention how he beat a prescription drug habit “on his own.” And if he can’t produce an actual birth certificate, he should provide at least a couple of draft deferments instead. He could consult an astrologer in times of stress (the number is probably still in Nancy Reagan’s rolodex).

Also? More WWF, less Glee.

Now, while those kinds of things would help him connect to the heartland none definitively prove his Christianity.

No, for that he’s going to need to put the mental in fundamentalism.

If B. Hussein Obama really wants to convince America that he’s a Christian, he’s going to have to do more than just attend Christian churches and pray with Christian leaders and have his kids baptized by a Christian preacher man and pray to the Christian God ten times a day and carry around the Christian bible.  That kind of weak-assed conviction simply doesn’t cut it with a significant fraction of real Americans.  The following is a list of ten things Obama can do to definitively prove once and for all that he is bathed in the blood of the lamb:

1.  During an interview with Glenn Beck, proclaim proudly that God told him to run for President.  He should say it with a straight face and act like hearing Jesus in your head is perfectly natural. He could mention how he saw an angel hiding behind the Oval Office drapes.

2.  Pronounce it Evilolution.  Use every public speaking event as an opportunity to educate the masses on the scientific wonders of creationism. People really enjoy being held captive and witnessed. If you’re not annoying the piss out of people, you’re not really a Christian are you?

3.  Give rich people tax rebates and blame poor people for dragging down the economy.  Jesus once spent a whole afternoon explaining the theory of Reaganomics to the Pharisees.  It didn’t make the final edition of the bible, but it’s in the Dead Sea Scrolls. You can look it up.

4.  Deny gay people their fundamental civil rights.  And you know nothing says Christian like beating up a few queers.  That’s what Jesus would have done. 

5.  Institute a bi-Annual White House book burning, held right after the Easter Egg Roll and lighting of the White House Christmas tree.  Obama could invite the congregation of that Christian church in Florida what started National Burn a Quran Day. It could be televised via big screen right into public classrooms.

6.  Shoot an abortion doctor.  Oh, now don’t get all pissy.  I’m not suggesting Obama actually whack an abortion provider. That would be crass.  He could have the CIA do it…

7.  Blame the Jews for pretty much everything, then insist on unconditional support to Israel. Remember, it’s not hypocrisy if you’re doing it to bring about the End Times! And on that note, appoint Mel Gibson as Good Will Ambassador to Tel Aviv.

8.  Have a secret homosexual affair.  This one is basically a slam dunk.  Nothing says bestest Christian like snorting cocaine out of Rentboy’s sculpted belly button.

9.  Join the Party of God (i.e. become a Republican).

10.  Invade Iran (Just be careful not to call it a Crusade), kill another 6000 American servicemen. Blame Clinton for creating the conditions that led to war.  And remember, Jesus gave us nukes for a reason.

 

I’ll be mailing this to the White House Email Account via a hacked GOP server.

I figure it’s the least I can do.

26 comments:

  1. Nick from the O.C.August 23, 2010 at 5:53 PM

    I'd like to facepalm the 24% of this country who think our President is a Muslim ... with the back of my hand.

    Actually, we belong to the same sect/denomination (UCC). So if he's not a Christian, neither is my family.

    So I've got some skin in this one and I'm a bit offended by this. When I facepalm the fundies, I expect them to turn the other cheek....

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  2. Stupid, stupid, stupid ignoramuseseses.

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  3. You forgot the whole, "Feel we don't have to worry about global warming because God will call us home before then."

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  4. You're just hitting the tip of the iceberg. Not only is he a "Manchurian Terror Baby" but even if he was born here legally (which is also in dispute), he would be the *ultimate* Anchor Baby...

    Yeah, the astounding lack of logic and level of imbecilitude hurts my brain (enough to make me use non-words like imbecilitude...)

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  5. You need to trademark "Manuchurian Terror Baby" before someone steals it (like me).

    Sometimes sleeper agents hide for years and years and years, until they rig a presidential election and are elected president (it could happen!). I'm sure that's out there somewhere on the Interwebs, so I know it must be true. That is the beauty of Barack HUSSEIN Obama's nefarious scheme to destroy America from the top.

    When did our country descend into madness? Suddenly, all the novels I've read about dystopian futures don't seem so far-fetched. ("1984" or "The Handmaid's Tale," anyone?) Truly, the inmates are running the asylum.

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  6. Chicago thick crust isn't pizza, and at best is pizza pot-pie. However, the original thin-crust style of Chicago is a thing of beauty.

    Most of this seems to be showing how creative people can be and the lengths they will go to not complain that the president isn't white.

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  7. Dear Mensley,

    Them's fightin' words.

    Chicago stuffed pizza is The Food of the Gods -- it is also different than Chicago deep dish pizza. And Jim Wright eats the stuff, so do let him fool you.

    It is, however, a different food group than say a good New York slice, which is also a damned good pizza.

    Thank you.

    Dr. Phil

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  8. Dr. Phil,

    While not a native, I have been indoctrinated into Chicago pizza by natives and stand firm in my allegiance to the original thin crust style.

    Also not in this nor my previous post comparing it to NY pizza, which achieved perfection in its style.

    And I will admit that I should have stated "deep dish" rather than "thick crust" but it's still not pizza in my book. While I find it tasty, it seems more like a pizza pot pie than a pizza pie. The deep dish creates a casserole-ness in my mind that moves it into another type of baked good.

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  9. Jim,

    You forgot to mention Item #11- being crucified.

    Staying out of the pizza fight- I'm from LA. Now if someone wanted to argue taco truck specialties....

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  10. Well, see, I did mention crucifixion. And lions.

    But I'm open to suggestions for bonus points. Let's see, so far we've got Deny Global Climate Change and Painful Tortured Death. Oh Oh I know, how about Photographed with Jesus?

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  11. As a resident *by birth* of the fine State of Illinois, I too must rise to the defense of Chicago-style pizza.

    I should also point out that, unlike those Hawaiians like Obama, we don't put ham and/or pineapples on our pizzas.

    Otherwise, good post!

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  12. At this point I'd have to suggest you left out 'Burn a few witches'...always high on the 'good christian' list.

    And let's not forget 'Torture a few heretics' because it's such a win win scenario...if they refuse to admit it they are clearly guilty...if they admit it and they are clearly guilty.

    These may be a tiny bit old fashioned ways of being a good Christian but would leave little wiggle room for the doubters.

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  13. As a native New Yorker, I must agree with Mensley. Chicago deep-dish pizza is an interesting dish, but it's not real pizza. You needa come to New Yawk for dat. Know whad I'm tawking about? Fuhgedaboudit.

    How about if Obama developed stigmata? But wait, wouldn't that make him a Virgin Mary-worshiping Papist? (Are Catholics True Americans(TM) because they answer to the pope in Rome?)

    If Obama ascended into Heaven, he'd kill two birds with one stone (as it were) -- he'd prove he was a real Christian and he'd be gone, so a white man could once again lead this great nation.

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  14. Graham (and his pompous overinflated homophobic racist bigoted hypocrite of a father too, for that matter - who, if there actually is a God, will spend a significant fraction of eternity getting dunked repeatedly in boiling pitch).

    By a black drag queen.

    As for the pizza, well, I'm in L.A. too, but I was born in Chicago, loved the Chicago deep dish style as a youngster, but now prefer the New York thin crust style.

    Hopefully I'll soon go to both Chicago and New York so I can sample the real thing.

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  15. I should also point out that, unlike those Hawaiians like Obama, we don't put ham and/or pineapples on our pizzas.

    Don't you mean "alleged" Hawaiian Obama? (But I'm totally with you on the no-ham- and no-pineapples-on-pizza rule.)

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  16. OK, everybody settle down.

    There is only one way to settle this debate: We get together and sample as many New York and Chicago Style pizzas as necessary. Note: in any taste testing it is important to cleanse the tongue in between tastings - I recommend beer for this.

    As in all science, it might take years and many multiples of the experiment to reach a conclusion.

    Saddle up, folks, it's gonna be a long night.

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  17. Jim, I heart you. Could I marry both you and Evan (of course, with Becky's consent) and live together in happy, snarky, evil, un-Christian polygamy?

    Manchurian Terror Baby. *snort*

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  18. Jeri, why do you need Becky's consent to marry Evan?

    Also: count me in on the polygamy. I'm sure CuteFilmNerd won't mind.

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  19. As someone who moved to New York from Chicago, I can offer this observation on the differing pizza styles. Chicago Deep Dish is a sit down, grab a bunch of napkins and strap yourself into the seat kind of affair. A New York slice is more of a mobile, fold it over, no utensils required, eat it as you dash through traffic kind of groove. Chicago Deep Dish is a smorgasbord, a New York slice is more austere. Given the totally opposite experience they provide, I think it's impossible to say one is "better." It just depends on what you want. Hot Dogs, now there's another story . . .

    As for Barack Obama proving he's a Christian, I don't think that's the root cause of his religion problem here.

    You see, when I lived in Chicago, I had the chance to represent my employer at a job fair and symposium sponsored by and held at the Trinity United Church of Christ. Yes, that's the church formerly headed by Jeremiah Wright (he's now retired and the pastor emeritus) and worshiped at by Barack Obama (until a few of Wright's more fiery sermons caused candidate Obama to disavow his connection to that church). The event itself was a very positive experience, we were made to feel welcome and very appreciated and I came away feeling enriched by the experience. However, I do remember being a bit nervous when my company asked me to go. TUCC is on the south side and that's not exactly the best area of town. I checked out the church's web site (it has since changed it's look) and I'll never forget seeing the motto of the church in big, bold letters as the site loaded: "Unashamedly Black, Unapologetically Christian"

    Now tell me: How many right wing mouth breathers ever got past the first two words of that motto? It's not his religion that's at the root of his image problem, it's his ETHNICITY!!!! They'll throw any accusation they think will stick because they are scared shitless that a person of color is leading this country and might actually influence policy! He represents the brown person coming to steal their Jeebus K. Rosenstein! You see, they worship their place in the big scheme of things far more than any God you care to name, and Barack Hussein Obama represents the reality that us white folks are seriously outnumbered and really can't claim to rule the world any more. God could take Obama bodily in to heaven in front of the whole world and it still wouldn't change their opinion one damn bit.

    symphou - the deadly martial art of killing with complex musical arrangements

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  20. They'll throw any accusation they think will stick because they are scared shitless that a person of color is leading this country and might actually influence policy!

    I.e. Panic and unreasonable fear. More than anything, they are scared shitless that they are going to get treated the same way they've treated people of color. karma is a bitch.

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  21. Just to enter into the pizza war.
    I was in a place in Turku, Finland and I was looking at the pizza menu, I already knew I didn't want a pepperoni pizza, since I find the Tuna they put on it a bit odd. I decided that pizza Americano was safe, Ananas, kinkku and some kind of juusto... I read pineapple, ham and cheese... I'd call it Hawaiian, but at least it has no Tuna. The part that didn't translate was the BLUE cheese part...

    It was still pretty good.

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  22. I would probably eat that. I like bleu Cheese, though it might be a little much on pizza

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  23. All this talk about whether Chicago or New York style pizza misses the vital point that as far as culture warriors are concerned, Chicago and New York are both Yankee strongholds, located in practically a different country than the "real America." New York City and Chicago are in the northeast, are liberal, vote Democrat, are "ethnically diverse" (i.e. full of foreigners and black people), are bastions of the lying media elite, and are full of effete liberal snobs who want to deny real Americans their gun rights.

    Real Americans eat at Domino's, whose founder (despite some Papist leanings) has the right attitude about women, abortion, and faith being the cornerstone of what makes America great. And Real American's wash their American Domino's pizza down with Coors, a beer brewed by real patriots. (Speaking of patriots' beer, Real Americans are appalled that Sam Adams actually comes from Massachusetts, where gay marriage is taught in schools alongside bestiality, evolution and socialism.)

    And don't yell at me for pointing this out, either. I think Domino's bears as much resemblance to pizza as a photograph in a magazine advertisement for pizza. Possibly less. And offer me a choice between Coors and a bottle of cold piss and you're going to have to give me time to think about it. I just felt I needed to point out an obvious error in the premises of the conversation here.

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  24. LOLOLOLOL

    "Negroes are eating our babies or something."

    I nearly aspirated coffee, that took me by surprise.

    Excellent entry! :)

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  25. I'm living in SoCal and I'm having no luck at all at finding good pizza.

    What, this is actually about the president, religion and race?

    Oh, well then, never mind. I thought we were going to discuss something of value.

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