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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Mutation

Those of you who follow me on Facebook have already seen some of this. But the topic is just such a rich, rich motherlode of crazy that I couldn’t help but mine it for a bit more of the sparkly ore. Plus, it seems a damned shame for those of you who don’t follow me on The ‘Book to miss out (and really, why, why aren’t you my Facebook Friend. Why?).


Frenchman Flats, Nye County, Nevada.

Hot. Desiccated. Dusty. Empty. Basically a hellish barren sun-blasted moonscape, fit for neither man nor beast.

A perfect place to detonate a couple of million megatons of atom bombs

No, seriously. It was the perfect place. The before and after pictures look exactly the same. Over a period of about four decades, beginning in 1951, the US Government detonated nearly a thousand nuclear bombs at what was then known as the Nevada Proving Grounds.  Roughly eight hundred “devices” were set off underground, the remainder were either surface detonations (meaning the fireball touched the surface of the Earth) or air detonations (meaning the entire fireball occurred in midair and didn’t touch the surface).  Subsurface explosions that break through the earth and throw radiation and vaporized rock into the atmosphere are considered accidental surface detonations, and there were a large number of those too – though the official count doesn’t mention that.  Of the three types, subsurface, surface, and air, surface is by far the worst in long-term effects. Subsurface blasts can cause effects similar to earthquakes (indeed, in some cases actual earthquakes have been triggered by subsurface detonations) as the shock waves race through the bedrock.  Air detonations have the greatest heat, blast and initial, short term, radiation radius but leave little lingering effects, usually not even a crater.  Surface detonations, however, are another story all together. Vaporized people and buildings and soil  (sometimes cubic miles worth) are blasted into the sky and form that infamous mushroom cloud – and then all that crap rains down as radioactive fallout for days, months, and sometimes years afterward.

Fallout is nasty stuff and it can have long term consequences – as the people who lived in Nevada and, indeed, much of the West and Midwest found out decades after those explosions. And there was a lot of it, at least one hundred and fifty surface detonations worth, maybe more. Maybe a lot more – much of what happened out there is still very highly classified.  Hundreds of thousands of tons of radioactive dust settled across Nevada.  Now, the radiation from fallout isn’t high, not compared to the short lived neutron and gamma burst of the initial fission or fusion explosions, but the effects last for a long, long time, especially if you breathe in the particles where they lodge in your lungs or get transferred into your bloodstream, or become embedded in your skin, or contaminate your food or water supplies.

The medical effects are well documented.

In the first stages of severe radiation poisoning, victims are afflicted with extreme nausea. Vomiting and explosive diarrhea are common. Cell walls break down and the blackened putrescent fluid that used to be blood begins to leak into the intercellular spaces. Sores appear on the skin… and then the mutations appear.  Victims devolve into horribly disfigured cannibals who live under the wasted earth, emerging only to mate and feast on the succulent flesh of foolish teenagers when their cars break down while taking a “shortcut” between Barstow and Las Vegas (a curious side effect of the lingering radiation is that it prevents cell phone usage and calls for help). Strangely, as a side effect of Cobalt-90, the mutants can only attack while the teenagers are having sex in the backseat of a convertible under the full moon. If the nubile girl is completely naked and exposing her magnificent breasts in the moonlight, death is almost inevitable. Such are the terrible results of nuclear testing.

In Stage Two, intelligence disappears altogether as the victim’s frontal lobes dry into a small, hard, wrinkled, bean-like pellet.  Genetic mutation continues, giving rise to zombie hordes who, their humanity abandoned, shamble across the blasted heath bereft of brains, moaning trite slogans, and herding together into TEA party rallies.  Most will eventually starve – as brains are rare indeed in this cursed hellscape – but some will survive as desiccated sticks of ambulatory jerky milling outside the fence of Nellis Air Force Base and its infamous Area 51,their leathery Boehner-like faces turned skyward waiting for a glimpse of the mothership…or the Rapture, whichever comes first.

Occasionally, a small mindlessly mutant few reach Stage Three. Politics.  In a mysterious process not yet understood by science, bee-like the radiation hardened hordes of Nevadan hardscabbies select one of their own. They surround her and spray the chosen one with their withered seed in an orgy of bukkake-like baptism which causes the skin to thicken into a toad-like armor and the empty cranium to fill with a spongy bread-like substance similar to soggy Thanksgiving turkey stuffing.

What?

Oh, you doubt the veracity of my description, do you?

How then do you explain Sharron “Putting the mental in Fundamentalism” Angle, TEAbag ball-washer and Republican Senate hopeful from Nevada?

Let’s review:

Sharron Angle believes that: 

- The separation of church and state is unconstitutional - she also explained how Thomas Jefferson apparently didn’t understand the US Constitution (stop that, stop hitting yourself in the face. Stop it).

- The US Department of Education should be eliminated because it too is unconstitutional.

- The  United States should withdraw from the United Nations as it is a “bastion of liberal ideology and the umpire on fraudulent science such as global warming” (umpire on fraudulent science such as…? Oh fuck it, just go with it).

- Global warming is a big fat lie (I know, that was mentioned in the previous item, but I thought it really needed its own line item), because, and I quote “the science is shaky”. Nobody knows science like Angle, she learned all about it from it from King James.

- Marriage equals one man, one woman, and an Inflatable Vibrating Vajazzled Jesus. Woman should stay home and make babies. Men should work. The kids should be named Wally and the Beav.

- The Federal Reserve should be abolished.

- The IRS should be abolished – well, at least the entire IRS Tax Code (i.e. income tax) anyway. One assumes that the IRS with nothing to do, will simply wither away like Angle’s brain.

- Social Security and Medicare should be abolished or privatized (sometimes she says one, sometimes she says the other, sometimes she says both in the same sentence).

- Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac should be abolished.

- She’d like to see alcohol outlawed - you know, because it was such a big success last time we tried prohibition (When pressed on the issue she tried to back away from her statement, apparently her holier than thou morality doesn’t include not lying outright when confronted with one of her own bullshit statements).

- When it comes to guns, well let’s just say that she’ll understand if God-fearing Conservatives have to take Washington D.C. by force of arms from the filthy liberals if she were to lose the election. You know, like the Second Amendment says and all.

- Do I need to mention that she’s a creationist? (I know, I know, big surprise there).

- She’s a big fan of the Drill, Baby, Drill Palin energy planny thingy and she really digs coal fired power plants.

And the big bright red cherry on the top of the crazy Angle banana split?

- Rape is God’s plan.

Yes, you read that right. Rape, forcible fucking rape, it’s part of the Big Guy’s divine plan. And, dig this, if you get pregnant from said violation, well, too damned bad for you, you’re keeping the whelp of that holy union and raising it up the way God intended – because that’s part of his cunning plan too.

According to Angle, women absolutely do not have the right to choose. Abortion should be illegal always and in every single case, even rape, even if it kills the mother because that’s how God wants it (I swear, I’m not making this shit up. Angle has publically stated that she believes God plans for certain women to be raped, impregnated against their will, and that they should have to bear the resulting progeny to term).

Oh yes, and if that wasn’t enough, she also believes that fluoridation of the public water supply is evil (As somebody said on my Facebook wall, Sharron Angle is the female version of General Jack D. Ripper. I can’t argue with that. General Ripper was a big fan of paranoid psychosis).

 

Radiation folks. Lingering environmental radiation from forty damned years of nuclear testing. Nothing else could possibly explain it.

 

I keep trying to wrap my head around this stupid bitch’s thought process and I just can’t do it.

Rape. God, see, he plans that

I could maybe understand a man, a stupid ignorant misogynist inbred male from one of those fundie evangelical Christian zombie cults  like the Westboro Baptish Church maybe preaching this stupid ignorant throwback shit – but I cannot fathom a woman, an American woman, one who thinks she ought to be a US Senator no less, in this day and age spouting this ridiculous garbage.  I mean, seriously, what the fuck?  This is the kind of brain-washed claptrap you’d expect from somebody who’s been lying naked in a cesspit of her own excrement, locked in a bamboo cage in a North Korean re-education camp for the last two decades and raped violently on an hourly basis by Revolutionary army thugs. Honest to God, John McCain isn’t this fucked up and he really was left lying in a cesspit of his own shit in a bamboo cage. Him I could understand.

I’ve got a couple of questions that I’d like Sharron Angle to answer, but I’ll take input from the peanut gallery too:


Dear Sharron,

1. God, in his infinite wisdom, has you raped, impregnated against your will, and forced to bear a baby to term.

Question: why in all the hell are you a Christian? No, seriously? Are you stupid? Did your mother actually witness those nuclear tests up close while pregnant with you? How could you possibly worship a God of such infinite sadism? Please tell me you were held hostage by Christian Fundamentalists and it’s Stockholm Syndrome.

 

2. God, in his infinite wisdom, has you raped, impregnated against your will, and forced to bear a baby to term. In accordance with Christian doctrine, God wouldn’t give you more than you can bear, so you must be up for this. Presumably so you can learn something (not basic science though, surely not that).

The question is why? What’s the point? What are you supposed to learn from this trial? My guess? God’s an asshole and deserves a big ole kick in the holy balls. Because that’s what I’d get out of it.

 

3. God, in his infinite wisdom, has you raped, impregnated against your will, and forced to bear a baby to term. In accordance with Christian doctrine, God wouldn’t give you more than you can bear, so you must be up for this. Presumably so you can learn something.

Question: What lesson is God teaching the rapist? No, don’t look away. Yoohoo, crazy person, over here please. Answer the question.

 

4. God, in his infinite wisdom according to the bible, helps those who help themselves. He has you raped, impregnated against your will.

Question: If this happened in America, a country where abortion is legal and women have a choice, and he plans everything right down to the rapist’s little sperms swimming right up your wahzoo and knocking you up, it would follow that he planned abortion clinics too.  So is it maybe just possible that HE’S SENDING YOU A FUCKING MESSAGE? GET THE D&C YOU DAFFY BITCH, GET THE D&C! No? I suppose not.

 

5. God, in his infinite wisdom and infinite attention to detail made you, and then made the rapist, and then shaped every detail of both your lives so that you would grow up along the path He laid out and eventually He brings you two together and BLAMO! SURPISE RAPESECKS! Ha ha! and that just never gets old. God, what a card.

Question: if God can do that, why didn’t he instead make the guy Mr. Right? I mean, why didn’t He have Mr. Rapist grow up into a decent human being (you know, one that doesn’t go around fucking people against their will), you two meet, fall in love, marry, and have lots of little happy fat Christian babies? Maybe God’s got a rape fetish? Hey, don’t get all pissy with me, I’m just asking here. This is your little rape fantasy, I’m just looking for some clarity.

 

6. God in his infinite wisdom, compassion, love, and understanding has you brutally raped. Hell, He has you violently holed in every orifice you’ve got, plus a couple you didn’t know you had, by a gang of jackbooted Skinheads. But you don’t get pregnant.

Question: What the hell, Jesus? I thought the whole point of the rape was making babies. Christianity is complicated, it makes my brain hurt.

 

7. Last question, Sharron: When’s the last time you had a fucking CAT scan?

 

Sincerely, Jim


Conservatives keep telling me that the GOP isn’t really like this. That the TEA Party isn’t like this.

Funny.

Here’s a question for you people then: Why do all of your leaders look just like this crazy bitch?

Ah ah, careful, go through that list of Sharron Angle’s policy positions again and count off the number that are mainstream talking points in the RNC platform.  Now, to be fair I’ll spot you the rape thing and the fluoridation, you’ve got to give me purity balls and the Iranian Invasion. No matter how you slice it, she’s still nuts, clearly so, but she’s nowhere near the fringe of the GOP.

Not even close.

It’s all good though. Oh sure you’re getting raped by mutant zombies, but hey, relax, it’s all part of the plan.

All part of the plan.

Have fun raising that baby though. Really.

23 comments:

  1. Why would ANYONE want to be that kind of "Christian"? And are you thwarting God's plans if you stop your rapist by shooting them with your concealed handgun?

    Dr. Phil

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  2. Depends. Is it a Holy Handgun of Antioch? Or a heathen handgun?

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  3. Nick from the O.C.June 30, 2010 at 9:44 PM

    It's the Crazy Times, Jim. Anson McDonald predicted them ... and it looks like he was right. Next comes the Theocracy of the Prophet.

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  4. "Fluoridation opposition is science-based and growing," says Paul Connett, PhD, FAN Executive Director, who has co-authored the upcoming book, "The Case Against Fluoride: How Hazardous Waste Ended Up in Our Drinking Water and the Bad Science and Powerful Politics that Keep it There." Co-authors are James Beck, MD, PhD, professor emeritus of medical physics at the University of Alberta in Calgary; and Spedding Micklem, DPhil, professor emeritus at Edinburgh University.

    "We have spent many years investigating water fluoridation and the toxicity of fluoride and we are dismayed that commentators are willing to repeat, without verification, pro-fluoridation statements that disparage scientists and citizens who oppose the practice," says Connett.

    "FAN's website http://www.FluorideAlert.org has a wealth of scientific information indicating that water fluoridation is neither safe nor effective," says Connett. "In fact, mounting evidence shows that it is harmful to large segments of the population and has helped to create an epidemic of dental fluorosis in children." On April 12, 2010, Time magazine listed fluoride as one of the "Top Ten Common Household Toxins" and described fluoride as both "neurotoxic and potentially tumorigenic if swallowed."

    "The majority of countries do not fluoridate or have ended the practice, including 98% of Western Europe, and yet, according to WHO statistics, their tooth decay rates are no different than those in fluoridated countries," Connett states.

    The FAN website has an online DVD of 15 scientists explaining why fluoridation is a risky and inappropriate medical practice. These scientists include one Nobel Prize winner, three members of a National Research Council committee that published a groundbreaking report on fluoride's toxicity in 2006, and two former EPA scientists.

    According to Nobel laureate Arvid Carlsson, fluoridation is an "obsolete" practice that "is against all principles of modern pharmacology." FAN's site also has a listing of over 2800 scientists and professionals who are calling for an end to fluoridation worldwide.

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  5. "Fluoridation opposition is science-based and growing," says Paul Connett, PhD, FAN Executive Director, who has co-authored the upcoming book, "The Case Against Fluoride: How Hazardous Waste Ended Up in Our Drinking Water and the Bad Science and Powerful Politics that Keep it There." Co-authors are James Beck, MD, PhD, professor emeritus of medical physics at the University of Alberta in Calgary; and Spedding Micklem, DPhil, professor emeritus at Edinburgh University.

    "We have spent many years investigating water fluoridation and the toxicity of fluoride and we are dismayed that commentators are willing to repeat, without verification, pro-fluoridation statements that disparage scientists and citizens who oppose the practice," says Connett.

    "FAN's website http://www.FluorideAlert.org has a wealth of scientific information indicating that water fluoridation is neither safe nor effective," says Connett. "In fact, mounting evidence shows that it is harmful to large segments of the population and has helped to create an epidemic of dental fluorosis in children." On April 12, 2010, Time magazine listed fluoride as one of the "Top Ten Common Household Toxins" and described fluoride as both "neurotoxic and potentially tumorigenic if swallowed."

    "The majority of countries do not fluoridate or have ended the practice, including 98% of Western Europe, and yet, according to WHO statistics, their tooth decay rates are no different than those in fluoridated countries," Connett states.

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  6. Oh, my brain hurts...

    And obviously we must believe the commenter. Who wouldn't be convinced by an online DVD?

    Sorry, too early - that's all I've got.

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  7. @ Nick, if I recall good old Anson predicted 2012 as the last presidential election in the US.

    It is looking that way.

    And according to nyscof the teeth of children under five haven't erupted yet. Didn't know they did ground burst in Newburgh New York.

    whalik - what a person into cetation bestiality does.

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  8. "Iranian invasion"? There was an invasion of Iran? I haven't been paying too much attention to the news and I guess I missed it. Who won?

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  9. I just have to point out that good General Ripper had the good graces to shoot himself in the bathroom. Granted, he only did it because he thought the recall code would be tortured out of him... okay, maybe a bad example. I was just looking for a way Angle's Second Amendment fetishism could pay off for the greater good, 'z'all.

    The women's lavatory is down the hall, Ms. Angle.

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  10. "I can no longer sit back and allow communist infiltration, communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."
    - Gen. Jack D. Ripper, "Dr. Strangelove"

    The scary part of the whole Gen. Jack D. Ripper analogy is this: The character was created and written as an over-the-top satire. It was meant to be immediately recognizable as a stereotype of a reactionary, right-wing, red scare whacko. If you read the quote above and substitute "socialist", "left wing", or "democratic party" for "communist", you pretty much get the GOP talking point for the next election. I'm starting to feel like my last name is Mandrake.

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  11. Oh look, quotes. Quotes from pseudo science. Wow, you've convinced me, nyscof.

    Run along now, this forum is for adults.

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  12. Hey Jim! You must be part of god's plan also. I wonder what role She has you playing?

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  13. God and I have an agreement, He stays on his side of the room, and I stay on mine.

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  14. I believe their side of the argument about them not being full of nuttbags if she was the only one running this year. Seriously, a lot of nuttbag left-wingers run too, but they don't get past the primaries usually. And they only do in races where the DNC knows they won't win so they allow anybody to run as long as the DNC doesn't have to give them money.

    And this is much different than the "sex" scandals democrats have suffered lately (and I'll run them all up against just the "closeted homosexual" scandals of the right for the past decade, I'll still win). This is the moral equivalent of nominating a holocaust denier for national office.

    And, again, she isn't the only freeze-dried wackaloon on the conservative side that is now in the general election.

    Seriously, my conservative friends, get your side back under control. You're frightening the neighbors.

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  15. Jim, I really appreciate you putting this on your blog. "Being on FB" and "paying attention to FB" are not necessarily linked, so I haven't seen the shit storm on FB that this must have generated.

    If you google the words of the floride goof, you find 601 exact matches. I wonder how many of those are duplicate posts caused by inate stupidity. That was classic!

    "What lesson is He teaching the rapist?" Oh noes, don't make me think! You can't make me think, I won't do it. Hey, somebody give me a pat answer so I don't have to think.

    The problem with a post like this is that you're preaching to the choir. Anybody who understands you is already on your side. People who actually believe this shit don't see anything wrong with it, and no amount of logical argument and good examples are going to penetrate their mindless mind. By the time they believe this crap, their armor against intellegence is too thick.

    But I love watching you fight the good fight! :)

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  16. As my dad often says, Tom, it's like shoveling shit against the tide. But posts like these often get linked to, or quoted, or found in searches (that's how our little flouridation friend from NY found this post)- and if it causes the nuts a bit of discomfort well then I'm happy.

    Tim: The Iranian invasion is what a number of these nuts - including Angle - are calling for. Palin has repeatedly insinuated that invading Iran would be something you could expect if she's ever elected to the White House - and in fact she directly stated that the only way Barack Obama could be reelected would be if he "got tough on terrorism and invaded Iran."

    So, like I said, I'll give GOP supporters the flouridation thing and the bugshit crazy God, The Rapist bit, but they've got to spot me a couple of points in return. Considering the amount of booger eating insanity on their side, I think I'm being more than fair.

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  17. I swear, no one could make up than level of bat-shit crazy!

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  18. Jim, the Conservative definition of "Fair" boils down to "Agree with everything we say"

    Try to meet them halfway and they'll just stay out on their edge of the limb and point at the new midpoint between you and them and insist that you're not meeting them halfway yet.

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  19. There really are a whole lot of scary people running for stuff right now.

    And, tangentially, even hypothetically, Ms. Palin somehow got herself elected President in the next election there would be this note in her first briefing:

    "While you were keeping a close eye on Russia, you may have missed that little thing where we always let Israel do the dirty work every time Iran gets too close to graduating from "annoying" to "truly dangerous".

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  20. Thanks for bringing this up. It is truly amazing the worldview people can have.

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  21. I went on a screaming rant a couple of days ago because of that woman's take on unemployment. Mostly because I couldn't handle her "position" on abortion and rape, since if I think about it for more than two seconds I actually lose my ability to communicate in anything other than primal, enraged screams. So thank you for saying all that.

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  22. it astounds me me to the level that some people will go with these things, there was a TEA party rally here in Kansas City a few months back, my self and my at-the-time girlffriend happened to be walking by it, i saw an antiabortion table and decided to ask a few questions (now i am pro-life to the fullest extent imaginable, i don't belive in the death penalty or abortion however the fact remains it is legal as set down by the laws of this state and country that abortion are legal, so i keep my thoughts to my self and try not to incrouch on anyones rights) all i get out of my mouth is i'm pro-life before this fool begins going on about how proud he is that he barred that way of over 20 women from having an abortion just that day before, now me being to good Marine i am not so kindly inform him of the not so legal practice he was participating in. to which he begiins his rant and rave about how i must not be pro-life and i hate god (which for the record i am a pagan and it is my paga beliefs that spur my toward being pro-life) and that regardless of what i raised my hand and swore to do it is un-american to let women have abortions, i ask a simple question. "why" the ever perfect response "cause god said so" well after my girlfriend stoped me from aborting this mouth breather in his 40th trimester i smiled, told him thank you, and said for his inspirational word i was voting democrate in the next election, i belive he had to be rushed to the hospital after that.



    bases = the gates to both heaven and hell, depends on if you're trying to get away from cops and stalker women, of if you have to go to 0400 PT

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  23. Careful, Jim. Sharon's past the primaries now and trying to pretend she's something of a moderate - and when Reid's people unearthed her original website and her opinions, she tried to use copyright violation claims to have them pulled...


    ... IANAL, but if you claim something is a copyright violation, doesn't that implicitly admit that you did, in fact, say and/or write those things?

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