Don't assume that you know me, really

Over on the Small Wars Journal, in the comment thread under Malcolm Nance’s post, and in several dozen vitriolic emails I received this morning, I was accused of being (gasp!) a Liberal and an Idealist (I was also accused of being a ‘fag’, not really sure where that came from, it wasn’t exactly a literate message, though the author did know how to spell the f-word). This happens to me on a fairly regular basis. Oh the horror, the shame of it all.

Bah.

Well for the record, I am not a liberal, big “L” or otherwise. I am also not a conservative, Neo or otherwise. I am also not a Green, a Libertarian, or a member of the Ayn Rand Fan Club (I am also not gay, but I honestly don’t give a flying fig if you think so, you illiterate asshat). My politics can best be summed up here. Frankly, even if there was a “Pull Your Head Out Of Your Ass and Show Some Common Sense Party” I probably wouldn’t join that either. My voter registration card says “Undeclared” so that makes it official. If you want my vote – well, pull your head out of your ass, don’t bullshit me, and show me the common sense. Frankly I don’t care what your party is. I don’t vote for political parties, I vote for a person and if you want that to be you – well, impress me.

However, I will admit to being an Idealist, with a capital “I.” It amuses me, when people accuse me of being an idealist - as if idealism was somehow a bad thing in and of itself. As if this country wasn’t founded by idealists. As if the Constitution wasn’t written by idealists. As if all of the men and women we admire throughout history weren’t, you know, idealists. Frankly I’d much rather associate with people who at least have some ideals that they’re passionate about, rather than some empty headed twit with no opinion and no ability to form an opinion like, well, sheep.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. Idealists can be a major pain in the ass too, especially when their idealism is founded on some kind of demonstratably false information or just plain loony reasoning. I find these people especially dangerous and irritating, especially when they justify their beliefs with a web of continually shifting rationalizations and fanatical foregone conviction, instead of looking at the data and then drawing logical conclusions on which to base their idealism. I find nothing admirable about these people and I try to stay as far from them as possible. If you need an example: Young Earth Creationists.

Anyway, yes, I am an idealist. But I like to think that I’ve at least thought about my ideals. And that my ideals are mine, not something ironed on by my folks, or some church, or derived from the mob, or dictated by the media or popular hysteria or the administration. And even though I’m a dammed stubborn guy, and I am dammed passionate about my ideals, I will change my position if it can be reasonably demonstrated that it is wrong by competent authority, based on verifiable proof and not anecdotal ‘evidence.’

What prompted this accusation was my position on torture. I am against it. Period. In any way, shape, or form. For whatever reason, no matter how pure the motive. I do not want to live in a nation that tortures people - no matter how big of evil asshole they are. And I guess that makes me a liberal. However I have no problem taking that same asshole outside after his trial, putting him against the wall, and popping a cap in his ass. And I guess that makes me a conservative. I have no problem terminating with extreme prejudice any asshole who comes on my property and attempts to do me or mine harm, I own weapons and I dammed well know how to use them. And I guess that make me a libertarian. I don’t use lead ammo for environmental reasons, so in a way I guess that makes me a Green. I don’t buy into the whole “they use torture on our guys, so it’s ok to use torture on them” argument. Substitute the word ‘rape’ for ‘torture’ in that last sentence and see if it’s still acceptable to you. So I guess I’m a bit of a Rationalist as well.

With all that said, here’s why I am against torture. This was part of the comment I posted at SWJ (slightly cleaned up):

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Mr. Evans, you are correct in your first assumption regarding my past, I was involved in operations that resulted in the deaths of human beings. I am proud of my actions and those of my team during such operations. However, you are incorrect in your implied assumption that I now second guess, or am opposed to, such actions because I witnessed death and destruction and, in fact, was responsible for some of it. I retired from active duty not because I became morally opposed to war, and its associated killing of human beings, but because I am no longer physically capable of performing the duties required to lead from the front, and my continued service might have put my own team at risk. The honorable course of action was to retire [and make way for somebody more capable]. However, if I were still capable, I would cheerfully return to combat duty, and I feel guilty that I'm home safe with my family when many of my men are not.

You asked specifically why I find killing (in combat) acceptable, but not waterboarding (and you may correctly assume that I am opposed to torture in any form), since the (assumed) objective of torture is not to kill. The answer is simple, and black and white. Killing in combat, when facing an armed and capable enemy, is a necessary evil. Your own life and the lives of your teammates are at risk. Force is applied until the enemy is no longer a threat - or you die. This is the nature of conflict, it is horrifying and brutal and nothing at all like the movies portray it to be (though Band of Brothers comes close). However, there comes a time when it is necessary to take life in order to preserve the greater good.

However, once the enemy becomes a prisoner and no longer has a means to resist, you become solely responsible for his or her life, well being, and treatment, both by our own code of conduct and by international agreement. This may be more difficult than actual combat; it is extremely difficult in some cases to treat a man, who has just tried to kill you, humanly. However, if you are unwilling or incapable, if you lack the moral courage, of accepting this responsibility, then you have no business leading the men and women of the US Armed Forces. I am opposed to torture for four main reasons:

1) The prisoner is no longer a threat. Yes, he remains a potential threat, which requires vigilance, control, and restraint. He is not entitled to anything other than the basic necessities of life, i.e. food, water, medical care, shelter, and protection from further harm. If you are unwilling or unable to provide such, don't take prisoners (and you may interpret that last however you like).

2) There are many means available to obtain information from the prisoner other than torture. I was an intelligence officer, I speak from experience. We have compromised our own honor by becoming torturers and what has it availed us? Name one major success derived strictly from information obtained via water-boarding. This conflict was supposed to have been about 911. And yet those responsible for financing and planning the attacks are still free and remain a significant threat. Water-boarding and torture have achieved us nothing, except the disgust and revulsion of free nations the world over.

3) It is hypocritical, dishonorable and contrary to the ideals of the Constitution, military regulation, the UCMJ, and international agreement. [Torture is also categorically contrary to the ideals of Christianity, which the majority of Americans, especially conservative Americans, claim to be. I find this a particularly curious and disgusting hypocrisy] Our government spent considerable time, effort, and money telling the world what a brutal, mass-killing, torturing tyrant Saddam was, and why his treatment of his own citizens and enemies justified our invasion even though the original bogyman of WMDs was found to be false. If torture is morally repugnant when our enemies do it, it is the height of hypocrisy for us to resort to the same methods. By resorting to torture, we have given legitimacy to every tyrant throughout history. By this faulty logic, Saddam was perfectly justified in his use of brutal torture against the Kurds, for example, in order to preserve national security within Iraq. Sounds pretty dammed repulsive when held up to the light of day, doesn't it?

4) Finally and most importantly, performing torture - no matter what euphemism you use or justification you use to rationalize it - makes you a torturer. Period. And it makes America a nation that tortures human beings. Period. You can not escape this truth, it is black or white. We are either are a people who torture others, or we are not, there is no middle ground.

Now is the time to choose. Now is the time to determine what legacy we will bequeath our children, and whether our children will see us as free men and women who upheld justice and took the high road, or whether we are little better than Saddam Hussein himself. You must choose what kind of America you wish to live in. Refusing or failing to decide is a decision in itself. Americans are responsible for their government's actions. Decide. Act. Tomorrow, Malcolm Nance will testify before Congress. He's made his decision, as have I. Now it's your turn. Take a stand.

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One final note on this very long post: I find it odd that when the Soldiers at Abu Ghraib used fire hoses and meat pyramids to humiliate and mock their prisoners and used electric shock and snarling dogs to instill utter fear and despair in those same prisoners, it was considered, by Liberals and Conservatives alike, a war crime and a criminal violation of human dignity and rights – and we sent those Soldiers to prison for their actions. Yet when water-boarding is used to humiliate and instill utter fear and despair in a prisoner, many conservatives and even some liberals see nothing wrong with it. I find this strange and disturbing, and I think that it is time for those people to sit down and examine their own idealism.

One of THOSE days

I feel like crap this morning.

I think I caught a bug from Shawn Powers' site a couple of days ago. Damn you, Shawn, or should that be "Typhoid Mary?"

And just to make it better, I've got to go outside and plow now, since we got about 6 inches last night (of snow, 6 inches of snow! Minds out of the gutter, people). Anyway, don't expect anything too clever or witty today.

Tvashtar

I was helping my son with his science homework this evening.

Using the internet, he was supposed to look up an active volcano and write down the information he found. The only provision is that the volcano must be outside the United States.

We found one.

That's got to be worth an "A." Got to be.

Malcolm Nance - Dúnedain of the week

Having considered Janiece's suggestion in yesterday's comment thread and found it good, and as an acknowledgment of the fact that I've gotten a bit, uh, shrill and negative with the posting lately, today let's make a change of rudder.

First, the Comment Title, to wit: Dúnedain. For those of you not up on your Tolkien go here, but basically for the purposes of Stonekettle Station I'll define Dúnedain as : one of the good guys.

So today's Dúnedain is Malcolm Nance, former US Navy Senior Chief Petty Officer, and currently one of the nation's foremost experts on insurgency tactics.

For the last week, Mr. Nance has been at the center of a national froofruah, because in Conservative Republican circles he has 'further embarrassed the President' with an article he wrote for Small Wars Journal, where he is a regular blogger and contributor. In the post Nance, as one of the nation's foremost subject matter experts, stated clearly and without equivocation that water-boarding is torture, period. Nance's position on this subject, and his credentials, have catapulted him into the middle of the bitter Attorney General confirmation hearings, and by extension the larger debate on the Bush Administration's position on the use of torture.

There are many, including myself, who admire Nance for setting the record straight as to the particulars of water-boarding. However, there are many, many more who have vocally attacked him for going public. He's a pretty salty guy, Malcolm is, and comments from the general rabble don't faze him much, but it's a dammed hard thing when your former comrades in arms (who should know better) are part of the mob.

I happen to know Malcolm Nance, not well, but we've met, and he emailed me this morning regarding comments I made here. I owe Malcolm a debt of personal gratitude. He and I were stationed together many, many years ago in Europe. We didn't know each other well, just two guys in the same very large division, he was a linguist and I was technical cryptologist and we never worked or deployed together, but we saw each other around, you know how it is. Twenty years later though, Malcolm and his team spent a very tough couple of weeks onboard USS Valley Forge providing training in counter-terrorism and force protection. I was one of Forge's force protection officers, responsible for directing the ship's security and combat teams while in hostile waters, and we were within a month of deploying into harm's way. The training provided by Malcolm and his team was tough and exhausting and rigorous. And it was something new, at that time few other Naval units had the benefit of this experience. Because of what we learned, Valley Forge's forces were completely reorganized into an extremely effective and successful weapon. That training directly contributed to our success in the combat zone and helped bring every one of our people home alive. After that deployment, and the next one, and until the day two years later when Valley Forge was decommissioned, our prowess at force protection was legendary on the San Diego waterfront, and other ships sent their people to us to be trained.

The actions of Malcolm Nance and his people have saved the lives of countless Americans. He has taken a stand fore square against the administration's disingenuous nonsense and rubbed America's nose in it. And Americans are pissed about it, and they should be, but not at Malcolm - rather they should be pissed at the comforting lies they've been mislead into believing and most especially at those telling the comforting lies.

So, here's to you Malcolm. As I said in the forum at SWJ: Senior Chief, one initiated Chief to another, well said. Keep saying it.

___________________________________

Update: More detailed thoughts on my position regarding torture here.

Jerkoff of the Week

You've got to love the logic behind this.

Two prominent supporters of Illinois Sen. Barack Obama's presidential campaign in South Carolina called state Democratic Party officials and urged them to keep funnyman Stephen Colbert's name off the primary ballot, according to party officials and Obama supporters

Apparently South Carolina Democrats were afraid, afraid dammit, that Colbert would take away votes from their little darling, Barrack Obama. And, of course, the potential threat of losing votes for your candidate is legal grounds for keeping the other guy out of the race. But, isn't that the American way?

When the American auto industry was circling the drain in the 70's due to Japanese imports, the attempted response was to try and eliminate the competition by banning imports, rather than, you know, actually building better cars for less money. Because apparently it was just too dammed hard to actually compete on our own home turf. History has shown that Detroit's strategy didn't exactly inspire confidence in their products and here we are thirty years later, and Japanese and European imports are still a better product for less money with much better reliability, service, warranties, and options. Great plan, guys, really super job.

With Detroit to inspire them, Barack's campaign supporters have apparently adopted the same strategy, only they've been a bit more successful - so far. They've got a glossy product, that's for sure. But I'm guessing that Barack's own people think he's more show than place in this race. Barack's own people, his most fanatical supporters, don't think he can win the South Carolina primaries in a fair fight. In fact, the actions by Obama supporters seem to indicate that they think he can't even beat a Comedy Channel comedian in a fair fight.

"I placed the calls as a concerned Democrat, realizing that we are a country in despair," [Bakari] Sellers [Rep, D-SC] told CNN. "It is not a time for games or to make a mockery of the process."

Oh, I completely disagree, Representative Sellers. When the country is in despair, it is precisely the time for games and mockery. I could use a laugh about now. I mean, come on, aren't you the same bunch of people who kept electing Strom 'I likes me the dark meat' Thurmond over and over? Games and mockery of the political process are a tradition in South Carolina.

Seriously, Representative Sellers, you honestly don't think your candidate can beat Colbert? You are actually afraid that Stephen Colbert, the 'truthiness' guy, will actually take enough actual votes away from Obama on his own home ground? Seriously? And so you justified keeping Colbert off the ballot, because he isn't a viable national candidate? Damn, Dude, if Obama can't beat Colbert on his own home turf, he isn't a viable national candidate either. Maybe you should get your own show on Comedy Central, I mean with a great comedic name like Sellers, how could you lose?

Seriously, in complete truthiness, Sellers, you are indeed a total jerkoff.

Things, they are going to change, part 5

As you know, I haven't quite decided what to do with myself now that I've retired from the Navy. With my personality type and weird useless skill set, I'm really only qualified for two jobs: writer or Ultimate Emperor of the Universe. I'm leaning towards Emperor since conquest of the universe is much easier to break into and requires a lot less effort on my part. Also I have to admit that the absolute corruption of absolute power holds a certain attraction.

As such, it is important that people understand what they're getting in their future despotic ruler, namely me. It's important that you understand what aggravates me, otherwise I've got to go through whole process of exiling people to remote and unpleasant corners of the universe every time that they piss me off - which is just more work for me. I've already got a long, long list of people who are going to be spending a dark cold winter at hard labor in the Phledbotinum mines of Pluto, i.e. people who drive too slow in the fast lane, astronomers who think Pluto is not a real planet, every single member of the WalMart Board of Directors along with that irritating bitch who keeps calling for Bob in Sporting Goods over the WalMart store-wide announcing system, Neocon Republicans, Young Earth Creationists, and everybody involved in the cancellation of Firefly.

So, let me add one more thing to the list, namely Christmas.

What is it, the 5th of November? That's like, what, three, maybe four, hundred days until Christmas? (That's in man shopping days, which as you know is different from actual physical calender days. Just go with me on this one) Already I'm seeing Xmas advertising (that's right, I said Xmas, blow it out your ass Bill Donohue, you sanctimonious jowl farm. One peep out of you and you'll be playing prison shower leapfrog on Pluto, bitch).

I don't hate Xmas, really I don't. I like presents, both the getting and the giving, and I really like Christmas cookies and massively overdone power-sucking front yard light displays. I like getting woken up early by my son on Xmas morning, who's all excited and trying not to show it. But, I just utterly goddammed hate Xmas advertising. I hate it. And I just plain detest certain Christmas carols, especially that Little Drummer Boy song (especially the excretable Joan Jett version), I'd like to stuff that drummer kid (and Joan Jett) into his big round percussion instrument and roll it into last minute LA Christmas traffic. However, if there is any Xmas song I find more annoying than Joan Jett's two-pack a day and prison-wine voice, it's that stinking Carol of the Bells piece of shit. Every single time I hear that song it's like listening to a George W Bush speech on human rights, full of halting sentence structures and mispronounced words in that ignorant ten-gallon hat and giant garbage-can lid belt buckle drawl, and I have the nearly overwhelming urge to douse a church choir in gasoline and light them on fire.

So, at the very top of the distressingly long list of things that irritate me are Christmas commercials that incorporate either of those two songs. Once I've assumed an Imperial stranglehold on absolute power, every advertising executive who produces a TV commercial that uses either of those annoyingly idiotic carols will be sent to Pluto. Their sentence will be determined as follows, five years for every time the commercial is played during prime time (prime time determined as the time I am watching TV or even thinking about watching TV). I will also be issuing an Imperial order making it illegal to begin Xmas advertising more than two calender weeks prior to December 25th, period, no exceptions. Additionally, Christmas advertising will be banned completely from children's programming.

Really, enough already. Stop it, and stop it right now. Or else. You've been warned.

Update: Oh yeah, one more thing, Dogs Barking Jingle Bells - that'll earn you a life sentence on Pluto, so don't even think about it.

Things, they are gonna change, Part 4
Things, they are gonna change, Part 3
Things, they are gonna change, Part 2
Things, they are gonna change, Part 1

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Over

This is one of most bizarre web things I've ever seen.


Bizarre, disturbing, and strangely addictive.

You can click and drag George if he gets stuck. You can also shake him like a rag doll. Very, very satisfying.

Attention Wasilla, Alaska Walmart Shoppers

Update: Attention those of you surfing in from various places, especially those you from the AOL Parenting Forum:

The following is intended as humor, nothing more.

I'm am neither bitter or filled with "Seething Hate," and who I vote for in the upcoming election is my business - and not something you should try to figure out from this post.

Bottom line, folks, it's just a joking look at Wal-Mart. Please take it that way.

If you really want to know what I think about politics, Palin, and the elections - go to the main page and read down through the last two week's posts, you might be surprised, or not, but please don't decide that you've got me all figured out from one silly post about Wal-Mart. - Jim

_______________________________

Yes, the newly remodeled 'Super' Walmart is now open.

Big Fat Hairy Deal.

Look, 'Super' or not, it's just a Walmart. That's it. It's not anything special. It's not Disneyland, or the Taj Mahal, or one of the Seven Wonders. Repeat: It's not anything special or super or amazing. It's just a big-ass building filled with the same old poor-quality, Chinese-made crap - only more so.

You live in Alaska - Alaska is Special, it's Super, it's Amazing. Go the hell outside if you want to be impressed.

Walmart? Walmart, 'super' or not, is just the same old same old. The 'super' bathrooms are still filthy. The 'super' isles are still so packed with pallets of cheap plastic, lead painted crap that you have to be a circus contortionist to get through them (in utter disregard for fire safety laws, better hope you never have to evacuate that 'super' building in a hurry). The 'super' employees are still minimum-waged mouth-breathers, that either spend the day out back smoking or roaming the isles in packs loudly discussing how stupid management is. The 'super' stupid management still wanders the store with their radios turned up so loud that the acoustic energy could induce uranium fission. The 'super' loud announcements from the 'super' front desk never end, and are done by a woman picked especially for her shrill, 'super' annoying voice (and by the way, Bob in Sporting Goods is out back having a smoke, he's not going to pick up the phone, stop calling for him). The 'super' parking lot is still a disaster area obviously designed by some engineer who has never actually driven a car, ever, and in fact may not even know what a car looks like. At least half of the 'super' merchandise isn't in the 'super' database, and has to be looked up manually by the 'super' cashiers, which is incomprehensible considering the number of 'super' shelf stockers blocking the isle with their overloaded carts and wireless inventory control widgets.

Then there's you, the 'super' customer. Do the rest of us a big favor, would you Country Mouse? Get over it. It's just another goddammed Walmart. A couple words of advice. First, I know you're excited and you just can't wait to go blow your entire Alaskan PFD in this Temple of the Modern Age, but for your own sake put on some actual pants before leaving the house. I do not want to see your fat ass packed into a pair of food-stained sweats, or your junk peeking out of that little opening in the front of those pajama bottoms decorated in hot peppers. Seriously, I'm going to start shooting if you people don't put on some fucking pants. Second, it's not Disney Land, there's no need to bring all fifteen of your filthy snot encrusted offspring with you. And if you must bring your curtain climbers, then keep them on a leash, since you obviously can't be bothered to teach them basic manners and controlled behavior. Oh, and bring a bottle for that screaming crib ape you're ignoring, or else I'm going to stuff a rag in it's mouth while you're three isles away pawing through the bargain DVD bin like a bear in the middle of a salmon run. Third, it's not the church social. If you see people you know, wave and keep on moving. Don't stop in the isle with your three carts and fifteen kids and their three carts and their fifteen kids, and starting gushing on about 'isn't the new super-dooper double plus extra good Walmart just amazing and nifty keeno.' Get out of the way. I cannot emphasize this enough. I am an angry, short tempered, impatient man who is pathologically incapable of suffering fools gladly. Get your pajama-clad cottage-cheese ass out of my way, or I will weed you out of the gene pool - I can probably claim Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and get away with it too, so, seriously, you've been warned. And lastly, eat something before you come. I swear to all that is holy, if I have to dodge one more of you cousin-humping, six-toed, cross-eyed retards choking down a McDonald's' extra-super-double-double-sized happy meal, or loudly slurping a triple-shot-half-skim-double-decaf-mocha-lattachino, I am going to unleash the fist of death.

Get your shit, pay the lady, get out. It is that simple, really. And put on some pants.

Because Everybody Else is Doing It

Because, everybody, they're doing it.


As you can tell, I'm writing today. This is how I write, by doing everything else. My den is off the sunroom. I kept hearing strange noises, when I went to investigate, I found the The Fat One had managed to jump from the writing desk up onto the sunroom balcony.

Bad Cat, Bad!

The Latest

Just so you don't think that every post on Stonekettle Station is GWB bashing, here's my latest work.

This is 2007#22, it is turned from an off-center cut birch blank. By off-center, I mean that the blank was cut off-center in the original log, leaving a blank that was about 2/3 heartwood and 1/3 sapwood - in the first picture the heartwood is the darker curly grained wood on the left side of the bowl. The clearer, lighter wood on the right is the sapwood. I think this makes an interesting contrast.



The bowl is turned with thicker than usual walls, about 3/8". Then the outside is relief textured by hand, to emphasis the heartwood grain patterns. Which you can see better in the following picture.



And just for the record, I bet Bush couldn't do this, Jimmy Carter could have though. Just another republican failing (Sorry, I just couldn't help it bawhahahaha!).

Like me, only more so

I happened to stumble across the Lawyers, Guns, and Money blog. I like these guys, and not just because they named their blog after my favorite Warren Zevon song (well, second favorite after Gorilla, you're a desperado). Maybe you will like them too. Check it out.

What in the hell did I do with it?

You know you're getting older when you misplace expensive software.

I still can't find the double dammed Corel Paintshop CD. I have no idea what I did with it. This is seriously starting to harsh my mellow.

Update: I just realized that you also know you're getting older when you use phrases like "harsh my mellow." Sigh

The Dance Band on the Titanic

And the rats continue to climb down the mooring lines and scamper away from the foundering SS Bush.

Karen Hughes, one the last of the president's Texas inner circle, is leaving her State Department post, in which she struggled trying to boost America's image overseas.

Trying to boost America's image overseas, specifically in the Middle East? Oh, yeah, sign me up for that job. Talk about your proverbial lost causes, somebody must have slipped Hughes a cup of the Halliburton Cool-Aid a while back. Looks like it's wearing off.

Once seen by Bush as the way to spread "the universal principle of human liberty," the outreach campaign quickly began to founder in a rising anti-American tide. A key 2007 survey showed a continued decline in U.S. standing among other countries.

Hughes was charged with spreading Bush's message of "the universal principle of human liberty?" Um, OK [insert dubious expression here]. How exactly does that work? "Well see here, Mohummed, the US Government policies of Rendition and Torture are about Liberty! The more of you towelheads we water-board at Gitmo, the more freedom you get! It's a win/win. What?"

"I feel that I have done what Secretary Rice and President Bush have asked of me by transforming public diplomacy and making it a national security issue," [Hughes] said.

Making diplomacy a national security issue. Exactly, because, you know, what isn't a matter of national security these days?

Let me put on my old Intelligence Analyst hat here (that's the one with the flashing light on top, and the twin beer holders on either side). How? How do we improve America's image overseas? And while we're at it, on this side of the sea as well? Well, here's how I see it:

Number 1: Establish some basic goals, i.e. a Mission Statement for you TQL types. Remember what this whole mess was supposed to be about, i.e. 911, and to a lesser extent the years of terrorist attacks on US interests that preceded that event. This 'War on Terrorism' is supposed to be about hunting down and destroying the entities responsible for those attacks, and to reduce the likelihood of such attacks in the future.

Number 2: Admit we screwed the pooch. The first step is admitting you have a problem, any alcoholic can tell you that; if I remember correctly GWB has had drug/alcohol counseling - he should be familiar with this step. We have a problem, we attacked the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, and it just keeps getting worse. On September 12th, 2001, the entire world was with us, including many Muslim nations, who were appalled by the 911 attacks (I was in the Middle East. Believe me, many Arabs were appalled - and deeply afraid we would blame them). We were filled with righteous anger. We prepared for war. GWB told us Saddam Hussein was responsible, fine and dandy, let's go kill the bastard. Except that a number of people weren't convinced, say like France, like Germany. Despise the French or not, France is America's oldest friend. If not for the French blockade of the British Fleet during the Revolutionary War, the United States might not exist. And it was a German (Prussian/Austrian actually), who at Valley Forge, taught George Washington's ragged and weary Continental Army how to fight. And like old friends, both countries (and many others, both old friends and new) counseled America to calm down, breath deep, think clearly in those grim days after 911. Of course we didn't listen, and now six years later we are too embarrassed to admit to our friends that we should have listened. That, in our rage, we made a mistake. We're off target and out of bounds. We have lost sight of our true goals. We have lost friends. And we have lost the support of the world. Those that masterminded 911 and many of the previous attacks are still free and untouched. And nobody, at home or abroad, thinks that this war is about 911 - not any more.

Number 3: Apologize. The President of the United States must stand up and apologize to the American people for this debacle, for the lies, the deceit, the arrogance, for poor leadership, for utter lack of vision, and for turning 'Patriotism' into a curse. The President should apologize to the rest of the world for not listening when he should have, for making decisions in rage and fear. And he should apologize to the Iraqi people. That's right, apologize to the Iraqi people.
Don't get me wrong, I fought in Iraq, and I was proud to do so. Because I thought I was doing the right thing - just as hundreds of thousands of those in uniform, both American and otherwise, thought they were doing the right thing. But we were not. And the man who sent us needs to apologize for his failed judgment and for betraying our trust. Then, if he has any shred of honor at all, he should accept responsibility for his actions and resign. And take his Vice President and cabinet with him.

Number 4: Renounce torture, forcefully and with sincerity. Renounce unconstitutional policies, forcefully and with demonstrated sincerity. The President (or new President as the case may be) needs to issue an Executive Order immediately suspending torture, rendition, extraordinary means, and any other euphemism for the violation of human rights. Congress needs to follow that up with an ironclad law. American will not now, or ever, tolerate or allow to exist denial of fundamental human rights within her borders or elsewhere within her interests. Period, no exceptions. International human rights organizations will be given full access to detention facilities and America will treat all prisoners strictly in accordance with the provisions of the Geneva Conventions, again period, no exceptions. America is a nation of constitutional law, any and all violations of those principles will be terminated immediately, including warrantless wiretapping, warrantless searches of property and persons, secret lists of America citizens to which those suspected have no appeal, and any other policy that violates the founding principles of the US Constitution.

Number 5: Make it right. Dump the stupid platitudes and catch phrases, i.e. "We'll stand down when they stand up." Platitudes mean exactly jack shit. Actions speak much louder than words, especially to Arabs. Start by terminating the contracts of every 'security firm' currently under employment in Iraq and Afghanistan. Hold those mercenaries responsible for their actions, turning them over to Iraq or Afghan courts if necessary. Their actions have resulted in the deaths of children and innocents, and the destruction of millions in property - they must be held accountable. Replace mercenaries with American troops under strict discipline (or coalition forces if possible). Troops must be under the control of their officers at all times, and those officers will be held accountable for their troops' actions in accordance with the UCMJ. No CIA, NSA, FBI or other intelligence organization, agent, or officer will ever have control of US Military Forces, for any reason. Take the billions recouped from the terminated mercenary contracts and plow it into schools, hospitals, power plants, infrastructure, and yes, Mosques. Use Middle Eastern contractors, labor, and companies. No American corporation should get rich rebuilding Iraq and Afghanistan, otherwise there is no economic incentive to end this war. Assign a 'Reconstruction Comptroller' (NOT a 'Czar', in fact, never use the word 'Czar' again, ever) who is personally responsible to the American people for every dime spent in the rebuilding effort. And finally, Americans allowed their leaders to get the country into this mess, and Americans should have to carry some of the responsibility for making it right. Sacrifice is required, Americans can no longer go sheep like about their daily lives, we all have a moral obligation to assist in correcting the mistakes of our leaders. Write your congressman. Write you Senator. Hold them accountable for their actions. Educate yourselves and vote for those who will do the right thing, even if they aren't a member of your political party. Conserve energy. Buy smaller cars. Quit bitching about how this war is about oil, and reduce the amount of oil you use. Give money to human rights organizations. Something, do anything, besides putting one of those yellow ribbon magnets on your monster SUV.

Bush wants to improve America's image abroad? He's welcome to use the above. He can even call it a 'roadmap' if he wants to.

Bang Bang Bang

The incredible Tracy Chapman. This song moves me. I defy anyone to watch this video, listen to these lyrics and Chapman's fantastic voice, and not be moved.

God Hates Westboro Baptist Church

Well, there's justice for you. Sometimes the system does actually work.

(Reuters) - A jury on Wednesday ordered an anti-gay Kansas church to pay $10.9 million in damages to relatives of a U.S. Marine who died in Iraq after church members cheered his death at his funeral.


Now look, I believe, most strongly, in the 1st Amendment. I think if you want to burn the American Flag, then it's your right to do so. But, don't be surprised when I punch you right in the nose, because that's how I exercise my freedom of expression. People should be accountable for what they say and do.

I think that Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church have the right to protest the War, the Army, the godless heathens (which they define as everybody but themselves), gays, and cheese sandwiches for all I care. Even if they are little more than a thinly disguised hate group. But, I think they should be held accountable for their actions and the pain that they have inflicted on the rest of us - and most especially the families of the fallen. I suppose it is ethically better that they should have to pay money, rather than having the utter shit kicked out of them, each and every one.

They'll appeal, of course. They'll claim religious persecution. They'll claim 1st Amendment protection. They'll use every trick they can find to tie up the legal system for years (at least one of Phelps' daughterwives is a lawyer, of the lunatic nutcase variety, if I remember right). It is unlikely that they'll pay a dime any time soon. But this is a start, and there needs to be more of it. The families of every fallen service member that these jerks have inflicted their particularly noxious brand of bile on, should band together and file a class action suit.

Or, we could all just line up and start punching them in their collective noses. Repeatedly.

Before anybody asks: I have no idea why Fred is wearing an 'Alaska' Sweatshirt in the Reuters photo. He gets an extra punch in the nose from everybody in Alaska, just for that.

Happy Halloween

Halloween. I was trying to think of a scary entry for today, but, you know, I just can't think of anything more frightening than the fact that George W Bush and his band of grim sycophants are still running the country. So there you have it. Booga booga. Be afraid, be very afraid.


A few more tweaks to the new machine and then I've got a new writing project I'm embarking on. You'll have a chance to be part of it. It's not intended for sale, I'm going to give it away in a very public manner. I've got what I think might just be a novel (heh) new idea in novel writing (actually, it's a bunch of old ideas applied in what I hope is an interesting way, combined with a thinly disguised parable on modern times) . If it eventually turns into something salable, well, great. If not, it will still be fun and interactive and interesting to me (and hopefully to you). I'll tell you more in a couple of days once I get it set up and running.

The Upgrade, part 2 (updated)

I won't belabor this whole upgrade process much longer, but there are a couple of things I want to say about it.

First, the bad part:
- A lot of my older software is no longer compatible, neither Pinnacle Studio 9 or the Pinnacle PCTV video box driver will load. There's an online Beta for the PCTV box, which I haven't tried yet, but it sure looks like I'm going to have to pay to upgrade to Studio 10. And for some reason I cannot find my Corel Paintshop disk, I have no idea what I did with it. I like this program much better than Adobe Photoshop, and it is seriously chapping my ass that I can't find it. If you see it, let me know.

- I hate how the Start Menu now works. I liked the old 'fly-out' menu of XP much better. There may be a way to make the Vista Start Menu/Programs menu work in fly-out mode, if so, I haven't found it yet.

- Some functions, such as disk sharing, have become a huge pain in the ass. I'm still not sure I've got the sharing functions working right. It is much less intuitive in Vista than under XP.

- Not even remotely impressed with the Windows Media Center. It has the most idiotic interface I've seen from Microsoft since Word 2.0 for MSDOS. What the hell were they thinking with this? It's like the whole WMC development team was out smoking pot behind the building or something. It's so dammed dumb that I'm not going to waste words attempting to describe it here.
Update: Ahhh! I suddenly understand - it's for TV! If you pipe WMC through a media server onto a TV screen and control it with a remote, then the interface makes more sense. OK, scratch what I said above, I'll go back and look at it when I get some time, maybe it's not so stupid after all. My bad.

- Windows Defender. It's not a total POS, but I'd get me some third party software if I was you.

Second, the good part:
- Uh, just about everything else. So far I like Vista, I've had almost no problems with it. I set up a machine for my dad a couple of months back, with Vista and didn't much like it - but it was a much less powerful machine and it was Vista Home Basic. Vista Ultimate on this machine is a whole different story. As I said yesterday, it does take some getting used to; the Vista interface is similar to, and just different enough from XP that it takes a while to figure out what's what. However, the help system is very good and as I get used to it, I am more and more impressed.

- The Aero interface is exceptionally cool (about the only downside, is that it makes my XP interfaces on the other machines seem instantly primitive). And you do have to have a fairly powerful machine to enable Aero, one of those $400 E-machines from Walmart isn't going to support it. There is plenty of integrated help in Vista to assist you in evaluating your machine's capability, and guide you in upgrading or tweaking your system to support Aero.

- I've heard some disparaging things regarding the Intel Quad Core processor and Vista, but I'm not seeing it. So far the Quad Core running under Vista Ultimate blows the socks off any other home machine I've ever used - and I've used and owned a lot of machines. I downloaded a Gadget (and we'll come back to Vista Gadgets in a minute) that shows the processor load across all four cores - then I started a number of processor intensive operations and watched the results. The processes were as follows: 1) import of 89,000 music files into WMP, 2) download and installation of a 127MB Service Pack for MS Office, 3) a hi-res label burn on the Lightscribe drive, 4) a 400MB file transfer from the firewire backup drive to the secondary internal SATA drive, and 5) I surfed the web while all this was happening (not processor intensive, but it gave me a feel for how loaded the machine was). It was as if the programs were running on four different machines, the Gadget showed Vista easily distributing the load across the cores and there was no appreciable slowdown in overall machine performance. Even with the Quad Core fully loaded, upload of my music files into WMP only took about two hours, this is about a 4 hour improvement over the old Dual Core/XP machine. Installation of the Office Service Pack went smoothly and quickly. I think the file transfer from the backup drive to the internal SATA drive took a little longer than it would have if it was the only thing running on the bus, but it wasn't significant. And the Lightscribe label burn worked perfectly. So, all in all, I'm impressed with both the Quad Core, and Vista's ability to use it - at least in my circumstances. It may be different for others, especially gamers.

- I prefer a clean desktop. About the only thing I ever have on the desktop is the recycle bin/trash can icon. I prefer my commonly used programs as shortcut icons on a toolbar docked on the Windows Taskbar, and I usually have the Taskbar in auto-hide mode. So, I wasn't too interested in the Vista Gadget Bar, but because I'm now using the wide-screen flat panel and I've got the screen room, I thought what the hell, let's give it a try. Hmmm, I've got mixed feelings about it. Most of the gadgets that come with Vista are silly crap, just more junk cluttering up my screen. I hate cutesy interfaces, i.e. notepads that look like a paper spiral notebook, clocks that look like kittens, etc, and that's what most of the stock gadgets are. However, there were some useful ones on the Microsoft Gadget Download page, and hundreds more available elsewhere on the web. Some are actually useful. Currently I've got a processor monitor and a local weather Gadget loaded - both of which I downloaded from the web instead of using the ones that came with Vista. The Gadget bar is obviously version 1.00 here. It needs some improvement: resizing and autohiding would be a step up, and some more utilitarian gadgets instead of the cutesy crap. The Gadget bar may stay on my desktop, and it may not, we'll see if it begins to annoy me after a while.

- Hardware integration. Vista's ability to handle new hardware is a major improvement over XP. All three printers installed perfectly and seemlessly as soon as the USB cables were plugged in. Same with both scanners, and the external firewire drive. About the only thing I had to fool around with was the Creative Live Ultra Webcam. The drivers loaded OK, but the Creative Webcam Center Software doesn't work quite right, and I can't turn the camera off. It's on all the time, which I don't like. I'll see if I can fix it today. The camera works fine with Windows Live Messenger though, so it's not real high on my priority list.

Well, I think that about does it for now. The good news is that I have successfully restored most of my core network functions and I've got full access to the main network printers and all of my data, the bad news is that I spent a buttload of money doing it, and I'll have to spend a little more to upgrade some software to run on the new platform. All in all, I'm pretty happy with both the Intel Quad Core processor and Windows Vista Ultimate. Is it worth it for the average Joe to upgrade to Vista? Probably not, but there's no reason to fear it either. And from what I can tell, Vista's bad rap is undeserved. It's not a revolutionary upgrade, but it's not crap either, with the right machine Vista is pretty dammed slick.

The Upgrade, Part 1

First post from the new machine, woohoo!

As you can tell, I've got the new machine up and running in basic configuration under Windows Vista. So far, it's been fairly painless. So far.

First, the Hardware:
- the new machine is an HP m8100y series, configured as follows:
- Processor: Intel Core 2 Quad Q6700 (2.66GHz)
- RAM: 3Gigs of 800MHz dual channel SDRAM (I've got another 2Gig sitting in anti static sleeve on my desk, I'll remove the 512MB DIMMS in block 2 and replace them with the 1Gig modules, giving the machine 4Gig total RAM)
- Graphics: 512MB NVIDIA GeForce 8500GT, TV-out, DVI-I, HDMI (major overkill for me, but it came with the machine)
- Harddrive: 500GB 7200rpm SATA, 3Gbits per sec transfer rate
- Blu-ray writer/HD DVD player & Lightscribe SuperMulti DVD/CD Burner
- Crappy generic sound card (yeah, we'll be replacing that)
- Personal Media Drive dock (don't know if I'll ever use it or not, but there it is. You can purchase 500 and 750GB portable media drives from HP, might be useful, might not)
- and the usual bizillion-in-one card readers, USB 2.0/Firewire ports, digital video and sound out, and etc, etc, and so on.

Also bought a widescreen, 24" Norcent flatpanel monitor. Which I'm looking at right now in splitscreen mode and it just plain rocks! The color and clarity are incredible, and size does apparently matter.

Second, the Software:
Windows Vista Ultimate - 32bit.

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First impressions. The machine is goddammed fast, no doubt about it, and much quieter than my old one. I wasn't sure the fans were running at first, had to shine a flashlight in the back just to make certain. I like quiet so I consider this a big plus. Vista is slick and glossy, not too shabby and I think I like it (remember: first impression here, first impression). I have to admit I really like the look and feel of Vista, though it may take a while to get used it for long habituated XP users. Microsoft has done some extremely cool things with the interface, and some incomprehensible things as well. For example, it took me ten minutes to figure out how to get a top level view of my system (i.e. the 'tree view' in Explorer XP) because for some reason it's hidden under a pull-up bar in the left pane of Explorer. I don't mind that it's under the pull-up bar, but it sure would have been nice if there was a label or something pointing to it - finding the display is like finding an Easter Egg on a DVD menu.

-----------

Aggravating things:

- I could not get the system to connect to the network/internet. Could not. Weird glitchy problems, I'd get no connectivity, then limited connectivity, then back to no connectivity. It was making me crazy. The control panel was showing the router, but nothing beyond it. I checked the cable half a dozen times, rebooted the machine, rebooted the router, ran the trouble shooting wizard - nada nada nada. You know me, I resort to violence as the first option, but somehow I kept my temper and eventually it occurred to me to move the cable to a different port on the back of the router. Viola! Instant connectivity. Apparently when the power supply fried on the old server, it zapped the router port too (talk about catastrophic failure mode). However, the other 7 ports are fine (and unused, because everything else in the house is 802.11g wireless). The router appears to be functioning fine in all other respects, so we'll do without port #1 and just move along. Obviously, this is my fault for not checking first, and had nothing to do with Vista or HP.

- User Account Control (UAC pronounced 'Yuck!'), what in the hell were they thinking with this utterly asinine nonsense? UAC is what happens when people and governments sue the crap out of companies like Microsoft for every little idiotic thing - and so lawyers end up integrated into the software development process. For those of you not familiar with UAC, basically it is the single most annoying thing I've ever seen. UAC opens a confirmation dialog box for everything, i.e. "are you sure you want to start this program?" "are you sure you want to connect to the internet" "are you sure you want to be sure that you're sure that..." ARRRGGGHH! Hate it, hate it hate it. Talk about overkill, and it doesn't learn either - i.e. if you start a program once, you shouldn't have to answer the same damned dialog box every time. For somebody like me, it's aggravating in the extreme, for someone who is afraid of computers (like my 74 year old dad) it's downright frightening - he doesn't know enough to make an informed decision, so he thinks he's done something wrong or dangerous every time he tries to start Solitaire (he's got Vista Basic on his new machine). Now, you can turn UAC off, but it's not obvious how to do it and the dialog box doesn't help you at all. Microsoft's lawyers don't want you turning it off (but I'll bet you good money that it's turned off on every Vista box in Redmond). Like I said, you can disable it, and I did (and called my dad and told him how to do it), but I cannot imagine how anybody thought this was a good idea. Bad, Microsoft, bad! No biscuit.

- Norton Internet Security 2007 is not compatible, at least not the version I have. You need the Vista version. Argh!

------

Cool things:

- Hardware recognition: After making sure the machine was fully functional as purchased, and doing the requisite updates of Vista and the new version of Norton's, I opened it up and installed the 500GB SATA data drive from the old machine. The machine booted right up and I wasn't fast enough to F2 it into the BIOS Configuration page to set the parameters of the new drive (with a SATA drive this really isn't necessary, but it's a new machine and I like to check). Didn't matter, Vista immediately recognized that there was a new drive in the system, checked it's library for the proper driver, installed it automatically, updated the BIOS, and brought the new drive on-line without any effort on my part. Very cool. Same with two additional drives. So now the machine has 2TB of disk space and that ought to do for a while.

- Hardware recognition: Vista immediately recognized the Norcent monitor as a widescreen HD flat panel and recommended 1680x1050 resolution, which I accepted. The video is incredible. Once I get things up and running a little further, I'll show you some pictures.

--------

Software update:
- First thing I did after upgrading the drives was download and install Firefox. Works great under Vista, I downloaded my usual slew of add-ons and a new one, Split Panel, which allows me to split my FF display into panels, which on the wide screen is pretty dammed cool.

- Vista needed a 66MB load of updates, and if you upgrade to Vista I highly recommend you do those updates right away. The updates fix a lot of the bugs people have been complaining about, so it's worth your time and bandwidth.

----------

Things to do next:
- Upgrade the RAM to a full 4GB
- Install Another USB 2.0 card, the machine has six ports, but I need a least 8.
- Hook up and install the peripherals, 3 printers, 2 scanners, the WD external backup drive, the Pinnacle Video Box, camera, digital sound system, the GPS interface, etc
- Begin the software installation process, Office, Photoshop, DesignCAD, Corel, sigh
- Enable and configure the shared volumes
- Enable and configure the shared printers
- Import the music and video libraries into WMP, I'm definitely interested in how long this takes. I've got upwards of 420GB of music files, all super tagged, and on the old machine the import took about 7 hours. This machine has double the bus speed and the 4 core processor, and much faster throughput off the SATA drives, so I'm expecting a major improvement (fortunately, I only have to do this once, unless, you know, I have to buy another machine someday).


Additionally, I'm still working on outlines to two different books, and about chest deep in a research project.


As you can see, I've got things to do. And I've to get it done no later than by this evening, tomorrow morning at the latest. Thursday morning I'm starting writing full time come hell or high water. I'll post periodic updates of the upgrade process as I go along. See you in a bit.

Off to Anchorage (updated)

I've got to run into Anchorage today.

Yes, yes. I'm going in to buy a new server (mumble, mumble, curse, mumble), the old one was far more damaged than I realized (during repairs there was actual smoke, I nearly had to call for FEMA support) and I'm just not going to put any more money or effort into repairs. I've spent quite enough already, thank you very much, and I'm past the point of diminishing returns. So, new machine and while I'm at it, new wide screen 24" flat panel monitor - because I can get both for significant savings at the Elmendorf PX.

On the upside, expect a detailed description of my adventures as I integrate the new machine into my network; I'll be upgrading to MS Windows Vista Professional and the new Intel Quad Core Xeon processor.

I need to get this done ASAP. I've got a tremendous amount of configuration, software installation, and hardware integration to do in a very short amount of time. I intend to begin writing full time in two days - and I need this machine up and running no later than Thursday morning. Then again, I always work best under pressure and artificially imposed deadlines.

Wish me luck.

--------------

Update: Oh yeah, you may have noticed I've added a "Digg" icon to some of the posts. I've been playing with the site's basic HTML coding. I'm doing some investigation into social networking sites as part of a research project on data propagation and validation, which is part of a larger project involving next generation data encapsulation. The Digg icon is an experiment, it may stay and it may not, I'm just gathering data at the moment. Feel free to Digg me, or not, I'm cool with it either way. I have no real interest in my personal Digg or Reddit standings (really, I don't) or my site's position in Google rankings, however, I am interested in how these types of sites contribute to the propagation of information across the global grid. It is far easier for me to track my own posts, than somebody else's, hence the inclusion of a Digg icon. Again, feel free to Digg me, or not, either way provides me with useful data points.

Apparently, I'm not an Assburger

Via John Scalzi's Whatever, I took this online test to see if I tended toward Asperger's Syndrome:

Your Aspie score: 62 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 168 of 200
You are very likely neurotypical














Not so much, I guess. But I do find that my profile is skewed in an interesting direction. I'm not disputing it, from what I know of myself I'd say it was fairly accurate.

Foolin' Everybody Management Agency

[Actual Transcript of Recent FEMA News Conference]

[Deputy Administrator Johnson steps up to a cardboard podium mockup. 'FEMA' has been hastily sketched out in magic marker on the front]

FEMA Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson: Allrightee then, let’s get this show on the road. First question.

[Women in janitorial coveralls raises her hand]
Janitor Girl : Saaay, have you guys at FEMA lost weight?

Harvey: Well Chertoff's still a fatass, but I've dropped ten pounds, thanks for noticing.

Janitor Girl: Well, you're looking good, Admiral, and I'm not just saying that because I clean your office and you sign my paychecks. I think you're like totally hot.

Harvey: Well, I am pretty hot that's true! And you know what else is hot? Wildfires! They're hot, hot, hot! [Sign Language Translator makes the stock rimshot sign] Anybody got questions about wildfires? [Johnson makes the thumb/pinky 'phone' sign at Janitor Girl, mouthing the words 'call me, later'] [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for 'Ho']

Bob from Accounting: Admiral, Bob Smith here, from the uh, er, Accounting Department News Agency. I'm a real reporter and I'm like totally not lying about that. [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for 'retard']

Harvey: Well, of course you're a real reporter, Bob, and this is a real FEMA News Conference and there really were Weapons of Mass Destruction. Wink wink and so forth and so on. Did you have a question for me, Bob? You should, I wrote it down for you, it's on that yellow sticky note in your hand. [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for 'Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese fortune cookie factory!']

Bob from Accounting: [glances at yellow sticky note] uh, this is Senator Craig's private phone number.

Harvey: Other side, Bob. Oh, and I'll need that back when we're done here. [Sign Language Translator puts her tongue in her cheek and pumps it back and forth]

Bob from Accounting: Oh yeah, sorry. [flips note over] OK, my question is 'Are you hippy with FEMA's response so far?' [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for 'WTF?']

Harvey: 'Hippy?' Bob, I don't think that makes sense.

Bob from Accounting: Well, this whole deal doesn't make any sense, Admiral. And your handwriting sucks. [squints at the sticky note] Uh, let me rephrase that; are you happy with FEMA's response so far?

Harvey: Am I happy with the response? Hell yeah, I'm happy. I make like a bizillion dollars a year and I don't live in Southern California, and I've got like totally hot janitors hitting on me, what's not to be happy about? [winks at Janitor Girl] [Sign Language Translator makes the sign for ‘Asshole']

Bob from Accounting: Yeah, but there’s like a million people homeless and the whole damn state south of LA looks like Dresden after the firestorm. [Sign Language Translator pulls out a cigarette lighter and inches unnoticed towards Johnson, the crowd of ‘reporters' becomes suddenly more alert]

Harvey: Whoa there, Sparky, slow down! Let’s not go gettin' carried away. I think you’re forgetting who decides who gets promoted around here. Next question [Johnson points at a guy in a UPS Deliveryman uniform]

UPS Guy: Sorry, Dude, we're not supposed to talk to the customers. I'm just here to deliver this package. Can somebody sign for this?

Harvey: That's not really a question, try again. [Sign Language Translator lights the bottom of Johnson's shirt on fire]

UPS Guy: Uh, can somebody sign for this quickly, please.

[smoke is rising over Johnson's head and flames can be seen licking above his shoulders]

Harvey: Come on, Man, just ask me a question. Whoa, is it getting hot in here, or is it just the janitor? [Sign Language Translator belatedly makes the 'rimshot' sign again]

UPS Guy: Anybody else smell smoke? [puts down package and leaves, Sign Language Translator and Bob from Accounting follow him. Janitor Girl looks around for a fire extinguisher, but there are only cardboard props]

Harvey: Anybody smell smoke? Is that supposed to be a joke? I can't believe you would make jokes at a time like this. Are you totally insensitive to what's going on in Cahleeforniah? FEMA is in there pitching, and we've come a long way since Katrina. FEMA is making real progress. Goddamnit it's hot in here!

Janitor Girl: [still trying to help out] What progress have you made, Admiral?

Harvey: That's more like it. Nobody has drowned this time around, have they? No flooding. No collapsed dikes. I'd call that progress. HOLY SHIT, I'm on fire! [dances around, slapping at the flames, the cardboard podium catches on fire]

Janitor Girl: Um, I've got to go, there's a plugged up toilet in the Lady's Room.

Harvey: Bitch! How about a little help here?

Janitor Girl: Don't worry, I hear Bush and Chertoff are flying in. I'm sure they'll help. Gotta go now. [she runs out the door]

Harvey: [facing camera, his head fully engulfed in flame] Well, good night and thanks for coming. Remember FEMA is on top of the situation and you can count on us!

Jerkoff (s) of the week, maybe the whole year

Between 2001 and 2004, I was stationed onboard the Aegis Guided Missile Cruiser, USS Valley Forge homeported in San Diego, and so we found ourselves living in Southern California. We rented a house in the (relatively) small town of Fallbrook, about 40 miles north of San Diego off Highway 15 between Escondido and Temecula, up the hill from USMC Camp Pendleton and the Naval Weapons Station.

As such, in October, 2003, we were smack dab in the middle of the wildfires that raged across Southern California. We were surrounded by huge fires on all sides. During the week of the 20th, there were fires burning on Camp Pendleton to our west, fires north burning around Temecula, and to the east the sky glowed an evil hellish orange from the huge fires burning around Julian and Mount Palomar. The air was filled with smoke so dense you could hardly see and the smell of fire was everywhere.

At the 32nd Street Naval Station in San Diego, ships were kept in a high state of readiness, prepared to put to sea if necessary. On Valley Forge, we rotated the crew through duty cycles, keeping one quarter of our complement onboard (the minimum necessary to get underway) for 24 hours, and sending the rest home to save their families. About ten percent of the crew were directly threatened by the fires burning in Scripps Ranch, Chula Vista, and La Mesa and couldn't make it in through the fires to stand their watches. Some, who fled the fires with nothing more than the clothes they were wearing, including our Captain who nearly lost his life saving some of his elderly neighbors in Scripps Ranch, ended up in shelters trapped in the chaos trying to save their families. We didn't hear from some of them for nearly a week. We made do, working around our missing shipmates, hoping to hell they were OK. Some critical specialists, like the engineers, stayed onboard the entire time, filling in for those who were missing, putting their duty and the ship above their own personal concerns (on the other hand, Navy families are pretty dammed good at taking care of themselves).

And so it was for me and mine. I packed up our utility trailer with our camping gear and filled the back of the jeep with our important papers and computer harddrives and emergency supplies. My wife loaded up emergency food and the things she would need to take care of herself and our six-year old son. I hooked the trailer to the Jeep and left the rig sitting in the driveway, ready to go at a moment's notice. Becky and I discussed what she should do if fire threatened Fallbrook (at that time we could see flames more than two hundred feet high to the east, across highway 15). We were basically surrounded, so we decided that if it came down to it, she would take the Jeep and attempt to cross Camp Pendleton and reach the Pacific Ocean (driving straight into the sea, if that's what it took). And me? I did one of the hardest things I've ever done, I took the truck and headed south to San Diego to do my duty, leaving her and my son to fend for themselves. South to Escondido on the 15 wasn't too bad, but I was stopped at a police roadblock just before Miramar. I showed my military ID and they shrugged and waved me through. There were flames fifty feet high on either side of the highway and I dodged fire trucks and fire crews for several miles. Seconds after I passed the the Miramar exit, a wall of flame a hundred feet high washed across the highway, and I sped south to the roar of F-16's and C-130's thundering off the runway at Miramar, heading out out to safety in the sky.

I made it to Valley Forge and assumed my duties as the ship's Force Protection Officer. There were four of us Officers onboard and we, along with the duty section Chiefs, gathered in the Wardroom to lay out a watchbill and divvy up responsibilities should we have to take Valley Forge down the channel and to sea by ourselves. We were all pretty experienced people, but getting a Cruiser away from the pier and safely out of the harbor by ourselves, without tugs, without two thirds of our crew including the CO and XO, wasn't something any of us wanted to do. I spent most of that night, and the following one, on the ship's bridge wing, watching the fires that raged in the dark above San Diego and reading reports coming in over our communications circuits. I spoke to my wife via cell phone when I could, she was still holding position at our house in Fallbrook listening to the sirens, watching the fires burning on the ridge lines above the town and waiting for the evacuation order.

After two days, the winds died down, the weather cooled, and the fire teams began to make progress. My relief finally made it in through the disaster and I gratefully headed home through the charred remains of Scripps Ranch and Miramar. The fires came within four miles of our house (4 miles seems like a large distance, but when the Santa Anna is blowing fires can cover that distance in minutes) but never threatened my house directly, and, thankfully we never had to put the ship to sea. When it was over, more than 500,000 acres had burned, hundreds of homes and billions of dollars were lost, hundreds of thousands were displaced, and 24 people had died - including a family who waited too long to evacuate, and were burned alive in their truck attempting to flee outside of Julian.

It was a close thing, and I was grateful that it hadn't been worse. But that gratitude turned to anger when I learned that the Julian Fire was started by some idiot hunter, who had gotten himself lost and fired a flare to attract help. It is not possible to get lost in Southern California, if you don't know where you are, sit down and wait, and within ten minutes there will be fifty people along up to see what you're doing. That was bad enough, but my anger turned to white hot rage, rage I still feel, when I learned that at least half the fires were set deliberately by arsonists. Pathetic, wretched little assholes whose daddies didn't buy them a pony when they were children, little paste-eating fucks obsessing over the fact that they were picked on by the cool kids when they were in junior high school twenty years ago or couldn't get a girlfriend or whatever. These sorry excuses for human beings wanted to make things worse because, like cockroaches, they thrive in chaos and disorder and because their sick deformed minds take delight in the tragedy of others.

And so it is again today with the current disaster unfolding in Southern California. Yes, it is beyond stupid that California refuses to mandate steps that would reduce the fire danger that the state faces every year, things like outlawing asphalt shingles and flammable house siding, things like calling tinder dry chaparral "wild life sanctuaries" and refusing to clear those areas or create permanent fire breaks. Refusing to mandate neighborhood emergency citizen fire fighting teams, and stationing permanent diesel water pumps and hoses at every golf course and neighborhood pond, lake, and swimming pool. Yes, there are many, many things that Californians could do to lessen the danger every year, and don't. But, this is no excuse for the actions of the arsonists. I hope the authorities catch these sick sons of bitches, and I hope that they are brought to swift justice. I think the death penalty is too good for these bastards, I think they should spend the rest of their pitiful lives at hard labor, rebuilding what they have destroyed. They love chaos, pain, and fear? Let them rot in it.

Fleet of Worlds

I'm an unabashed Larry Niven fan.

Ringworld is still one of my very favorite novels in any genre - and I actually own a first edition copy, the one in which Niven mistakenly has the Earth rotating in the wrong direction, it's a rare and valuable book. I'm a huge fan of the Known Space series. For years I eagerly bought anything with Niven's name on the cover. I loved his clean, crisp writing style. I thought his characters and especially the alien worlds he created were incredibly interesting - I still want to visit Mount Lookatthat and stare down into the 'vast searing black calm' of Plateau. And I want to explore the Ringworld via skycycle under the light of the heaven spanning arch. I want to battle the Kzinti and fly between the stars in a ramscoop.

Then, somehow, somewhere in the nineties, I started to become a little less enthusiastic about Niven's work, somehow the characters in his books started making intuitive leaps that I just couldn't follow, Ringworld Throne was dammed near incomprehensible to me. There were strange jumps of logic in The Integral Trees and The Smoke Ring, I enjoyed both books but there were some chapters where I just had no idea how the characters made the leaps of logic that they had. I still don't get it, despite careful rereading. Crashlander, the fixup of Beowulf Shaeffer stories tied together with the story Ghost, was the same. The characters kept making logic leaps that I just couldn't follow, it became frustrating.

Maybe the change was Niven, or maybe my mind was just no longer agile enough to follow him, but somewhere a few years back I stopped buying Niven in hardcover. I still read him, but I waited until the cheaper paperbacks came out.

Then something funny happened. He wrote Ringworld's Children, I read it in paperback. Then went out and bought the hardcover, because I enjoyed it so much. Then came Building Harlequin's Moon, which he co-wrote with Brenda Cooper, and which was one of the best SciFi books I've read in years. Moon reminded me of the very best of the Niven and Pournelle collaborations. I went back to pre-ordering hardcovers.

Two weeks ago I got my copy of Fleet of Worlds, set in Niven's Known Space, two hundred years before the events described in Ringworld. Co-written with Edward M. Lerner. Once again, Niven shows that his very best work comes when he is working with somebody else. FOWs is outstanding For those who are fans of Known Space, FOWs is a complex tale of deceit, betrayal, furry alien love, freedom, adventure amongst flying worlds, exploding galaxies, and Puppeteers.

The story revolves around what is essentially a group of human servants, descended from a lost colony and enslaved by the deceitfully paranoid alien Puppeteers. The story ties together many loose ends from the Known Space series, reshapes things you thought you knew in strange and interesting ways, and revisits some characters that have appeared elsewhere in Known Space.

I will say that while the story does stand on its own, it will probably be somewhat less enjoyable if you haven't read Ringworld and the Beowulf Shaeffer stories. Also, the ending(s) is/are a little odd. Not the way the story ends, but that there are at least three small chapters past what I thought was the logical end of the book. I'm not complaining actually, I enjoyed those extra chapters and they provided some detail about things I wanted to know - but it really felt like the authors where doing the "oh yeah, and another thing" bit. Still, overall I thought Fleet of Worlds was outstanding, and very much a worthy addition to the annuals of Known Space. I sincerely hope Niven and Lerner do more work together in this universe.

I won't spoil Fleet of Worlds for you. If you're not a Known Space fan, you won't care. And if you are, you'll go buy this book right now.

A Little Charity

As promised. This is the bowl I was working on last weekend.

I did this one for my wife, who will give it away as part of a charity fund raiser. Anybody who donates to the fund gets their name put in the pot, she'll hold a drawing at the end of the fund raiser and the winner gets this. This is a local deal only, specifically for the division she manages at her workplace - no, you can't get into the contest, sorry (though if it works well, I might hold a "Help Jim raise money to buy a new server to replace the one he fried last week" contest...).

As with most of my stuff, this is made from Baltic Birch Heartwood that I harvested in South Central Alaska. It's green turned, i.e. the wood is not dried first. Green turning requires skills and techniques different from turning kiln dried stock, and very, very sharp tools. After turning, the rough bowl is sanded on the lathe and then burnished (polished at high speed using a handful of damp wood shavings) which gives it a deep iridescent glow and satin smooth finish. Then I cut the filigree and texture the outside to highlight the heartwood veining patterns using a Foredom rotary tool. Following that, I add red salmon, carved from cross-grain cut birch scrapwood. The whole thing is soaked in Walnut oil several times to force out the remaining water, and then polished to a glossy finish.


I am particularly happy with how the cross-grain patterns make the carved salmon more interesting.

Update: just in case you're curious, this bowl is about 12 inches in diameter, and about 5 inches deep.

Things, they are gonna change, part 4

As most of you know, it is my post retirement goal to become Ultimate Emperor of the Universe. For those of you joining us late in the program, this goal is not because I fancy myself as some kind of megalomaniac, but rather more as a public service. I figure that if the human race is to survive as a species, somebody is going to have to step up and fish the stupid out of the gene pool and it might as well be me. Plus, I'm retired, so I've got time on my hands for conquest.

With that said, let's talk applied science. Specifically: physics.

Now, when I say "let's talk..." I mean that I'd like to address my neighbors here in the Matanuska Susitna Valley. Specifically those of you who believe that 'science' is like 'religion,' i.e. some kind of arbitrary belief system who's rules only apply to others and not to you. I'm talking specifically to those of you who spent your entire high school and college years covering your ears in science classes and going lalalalala, least you be exposed to something that would make you doubt that Noah and his seasick relatives could have shoveled shit fast enough to keep from being buried gunwale deep in dinosaur manure. I'm talking to those of you who stuck around school just long enough to learn some basic chemistry so you could drop out and start your very own meth lab. I'm talking to those of you who planned on becoming millionaires from your pro-ball scholarships and therefor were just to dammed cool to pay attention when your teachers were trying to tell you how the world actually works. I'm talking to all of you who just can't seem to comprehend, for whatever reason, a very basic concept of high school physics, namely inertia.

The classical definition: An object at rest remains at rest, unless acted on by an outside force. An object in motion remains in motion along a straight line, unless acted on by an outside force. There's a bunch of math that goes with this definition, but let's see if I can explain it in layman's terms so my mouth-breathing neighbors can understand it. If you take a four ton SUV, put a 300.375lb Valley Dweller in it (the .375lb is the weight of the Valley Dweller's 6oz cell phone), accelerate the entire mass to around 80mph on a frictionless surface like, say, the Glenn Highway into Anchorage during a major snow fall complete with freezing rain - well, then that entire mass is going to keep moving in straight line at 80MPH until it runs into something solid enough to stop it, like, oh, a bridge abutment or a tree or a whole shitload of other cars. But, but, but, I hear my neighbors objecting, what about...? So let's just get those questions out of the way right now shall we?

Yes, inertia applies even if you have a shiny, tricked out GMC Enormous Behemoth or Ford Titanic Leviathan with huge manly tires, a bumper-mounted winch, and 40 roof-mounted halogen lights bright enough blind spy satellites. Yes, inertia applies even if you have a car stereo system that causes caribou herds to stampede from over a mile away and no, the thumping base tones that are causing permanent damage to your brain stem will not melt the ice under your tires, sorry. Yes, inertia applies even if you have 4-wheel drive and generation XV anti-lock brakes and 'traction control' no matter what that Subaru TV commercial with the professional driver on the closed course says. Yes, inertia applies even if you have a Jeebus Fish glued to your tailgate giving the finger to people behind you and a 'God is my co-pilot' bumper sticker. Yes, inertia applies even if you're talking on your cell phone, even if the conversation is 'really, really important,' if fact, there might be a little extra inertia in this case. Yes, inertia is a bitch, that's just how it is.

It snowed last night, and we got more today. It's Alaska, it's October, snow isn't exactly a novelty. In fact, it starts snowing here every year around this time. Strangely enough, the snow is always slippery too, not once in my memory has the snow ever been not slippery here on Alaskan highways. Elsewhere in some alternate reality, snow might actually increase traction, I don't know, but not here. Here in Alaska, snow is slippery. You'd think Alaskans would, after years and years and years of slippery snow on highways, wise the hell up. I counted a total of 14 accidents today, on my trip into Anchorage. Major accidents. Upside down, tires spinning in the air, oopsy I'll have to call you back because the rescue crew is here to dig me out with the jaws of life accidents. Tonight it took my wife nearly 3 hours to get home because there were another dozen accidents. And what did all these wrecks have in common? Every dammed one of them involved 4 wheel drive vehicles. At least half the accidents ended with the vehicle upside down in the ditch. Not one of those vehicles was a Yugo, or a Geo Metro, or a shitty beater Ford Escort - and do you know why? Because people who drive Yugos, Metros, and shitty beater Escorts on icy roads are cautious. They are paranoid in the those little tin cans. They slow down. They pay attention. They understand inertia.

So, here's how it's gonna be: After I crown myself Emperor of the Universe, there's going to be some changes made to the driver licensing process. We're going to be adding some science, maybe something like solve for F=ma where F is the force required to stop the mass (m) of a four ton SUV (a)ccelerating like the puck on an air hockey table as it careens towards the ditch. Remember a couple of years ago, people wanted to keep drunks off the roads by adding breatholyzers to car ignitions? I'm thinking of adding something similar, the Physicsolyzer (tm), solve for P=mv, where P is the potential to hold up traffic for hours resulting from mass (m) stupidity times velocity (v) or the SUV ain't starting.

Or maybe it would just be easier to make everybody drive a shitty Ford Escort. Hmmm, I'll have to think about it.

Things, they are gonna change, Part 3
Things, they are gonna change, Part 2
Things, they are gonna change, Part 1