When in danger, when in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout
- Naval adage
Chuck Norris isn't scared of anybody.
Well, OK, almost anybody.
There appears to be one exception.
There is one person that just plain frightens the jujitsu out of old Chuck.
What could possibly terrify Chuck Norris?
After all he’s a tough dude. A force of nature is Chuck Norris, right?
Chuck Norris is the guy who has a grizzly bear rug in his living room, the bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door, he’s the reason Waldo is in hiding, he created the giraffe by kicking a horse in the chin, he can make fire by rubbing two ice cubes together, and he can cut through a hot knife with a stick of butter.
Death once had a near-Chuck experience.
You know what they say, “Behind Chuck Norris' beard is another fist.”
But what you may not know is that behind Chuck's chin hammer, and right under that road-killed Pomeranian we're all supposed to believe is his actual manly Kung Fu hair, is a paranoid full-frontal bug-eyed, booger-eating, batshit-crazy wackaloon.
And that wackaloon is scared shitless.
What scares Chuck Norris?
Who turns Chuck’s sinewy bowels to water and makes his muscular lower lip tremble and causes him to lay awake at night clutching the sheet over his head in the dark peeking out at the closet door?
I’ll give you a hint.
He’s tall and black and lives in the White House.
Back in January, Norris wrote an OpEd in World Net Daily (because really, where else, right?) in which he proclaimed "civilization is on the brink."
Not the brink!
What will we do? What will we do?
Civilization is on the brink! The Brink!
If only there was a bearded hero to save us! Somebody who could karate chop the National Debit and roundhouse kick social issues back into the Stone Age with the other Neanderthals – all the while glaring ferociously and growling simpleminded patriotic platitudes. If only there was a guy like that. Why he’d kill the Taliban and introduce the Muslims to God personally. He’d scare gays straight and perform traditional marriages himself. He’d kick the sick right out of people so they wouldn’t even need healthcare, socialized or otherwise. He’d stop gang violence with a single raised hairy eyebrow and kill Nazi Communists with just a stern look. Yeah, if only there was a guy like that.
Despite eight months of sustained economic growth since his dire warning, this last Labor Day weekend Chuck Norris doubled down. He and his wife, Gena, released a YouTube video:
Apparently if Barack Obama wins reelection, it will will usher in a “thousand years of darkness.”
A thousand years of darkness.
A thousand years.
Ten centuries. Of darkness.
A whole millennium. Of inky black darkness.
If Mitt Romney doesn’t win, folks, it’s one thousand years of darkness.
I suppose I should probably pick up a couple packs of extra flashlight batteries on the way home from the voting booth, just in case.
It never ceases to amaze me how folks like Chuck Norris and the rest of these good God fearing patriots, people who loudly claim to be better Americans than all the rest of us combined and then some, how these people seem to have so little faith in the United States. So little faith in the democracy they profess to love above all else. Norris and the rest of the conservative talking heads, hell, the whole goddamned Republican party, seem to think that the men who designed this country, who wrote the Constitution and formed the Union, those folks whom they revere as god-like, infallible, without flaw or weakness and who they quote endlessly … were somehow so damned stupid and short sighted that they designed a system that could be destroyed by a single man in an afternoon.
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why these people are so gung ho to defend a system that they demonstrate so little faith in.
Of course, even they – crazy as they are – know that our system of government prevents any single ordinary human being from destroying the United States. Or taking over. That’s why people like Chuck Norris, a man supposedly not scared by any ordinary man, can’t let Barack Obama be ordinary. Obama has to be the Anti-Christ, Satan, the Devil, a robot alien reptile in a rubber human suit, a slinking communist, a scheming Muslim, a Kenyan, the Magic Negro. He can’t just be a guy they disagree with, he has to be bigger than that.
Because if he’s not, how then do you scare everybody else into voting against him?
The video appears to have been shot in the Norris home gym. I have to wonder if every room in the Norris Mansion flies the American flag, or just in the Dojo.
I also wonder if the rank odor of unwashed jock straps combined with too much discount toupee glue, not to mention repeated blows to the frontal lobes, hasn’t left Chuck a bit addlepated.
If you can’t bring yourself to actually watch the video, the Norrises (Norrisi?) spend about two minutes quoting Edmund Burke and Ronald Reagan out of context and basically manage to come across looking like exactly what they are – a pair of frightened prototypical TEA Party loons who’ve spent far too much time in a low oxygen environment killing brain cells with copious amounts of conservative talk radio.
Chuck Norris isn't scared of anybody.
Except for Barack Obama.
"Our great country and freedom are under attack. We are at a tipping point and quite possibly our country as we know it could be lost forever if we don't change the course our country is headed."
Could possibly maybe sort of. There’s that biblical certainty Evangelicals are so well known for right there. Oh yes, I’m frightened now.
Mrs. Chin-Fist chimed in with a dire warning of her own:
"We will preserve for our children this last best hope for man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into one thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children's children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done."
She was paraphrasing Ronald Reagan’s iconic speech, A Time for Choosing, in which he endorsed Barry Goldwater for president in 1964. Back then Reagan was just another has-been actor with artificially enhanced hair, sort of like somebody else we could name. Just as a point of order, in that speech Reagan warned that we were about to take the last step into a thousand years of inky black darkness, not the first. Now, far be it from me to question paranoid conservative mental acuity, but if America took the last step in 1964 I’m not quite sure how we take the first step in 2012 – but then creationism math has never been my strong suite.
"You and I have a rendezvous with destiny,” Reagan assured Goldwater.
Turns out Reagan was wrong. Wrong about the darkness. Wrong about the rendezvous. Wrong about destiny.
And Reagan didn't win the election for Barry Goldwater either, despite warning everybody that the world would literally end if they didn’t vote Republican.
It didn’t work for Reagan, but, hell, maybe Chuck Norris can scare Americans into voting Republican this time around.
Say, did anybody else notice that conservatives were once sweet on the name Barry? No? Just me then. Right.
So anyway, as I was sa… wait, what?
Hold the hell on here. Just hold on. Back the Kung Pow Chicken up. Say that again, Gena. Willard Romney is the last best hope for man on earth?
Romney is mankind’s only hope? Mitt Romney?
Mankind’s only hope is nicknamed Mitt?
OK, she didn’t actually say “Mitt Romney” but unless Wookie Jesus is in the running, who the hell else could she possibly mean?
Mitt Romney is the last best hope for man?
You’re kidding me, right? You’re married to Chuck Fucking Norris, and Mitt Romney is your last best hope?
It’s Mitt Romney in IMAX 3D! The Last Best Hope For Mankind On Earth. Dant dant Daaaah! Costarring Chuck Chin-Fist Norris and Seamus the Wonder Mutt. They did all that they could. For America! For the children. For the children’s children. And the children’s children’s children. And some other kids. And Wall Street. In theaters this November! Dant Dant Daaaaaaaah! Also, Kung Fu.
Gena Norris also warns that America has a "rendezvous with destiny.”
Really? A thousand years of soul destroying darkness isn’t enough?
It isn’t enough that the savior’s name is Mittens?
No, we have to rendezvous with destiny too? And really what’s that destiny going to be? Oceans rise! Mountains burn! And a giant comet streaks towards earth! It’s the size of Rush Limbaugh, Mr. President! Only Walker, Texas Ranger and a plucky band of out of work oil rig workers who didn’t graduate high school but are really, really good at boozing and making wisecracks, can save the day! Also, Wookie Jesus. And Nazis – because, really, there are always Nazis, right?
They could probably get Hank Williams Jr. to do the soundtrack.
“We’ve got a Muslim for a President who hates cowboys, hates cowgirls, hates fishing, hates farming, loves gays, and we hate him!”
That was Hank last Sunday at the Texas Stockyard Music Festival. He’s said stuff like this before, this time he added in gay farmers. Needless to say, Hank was cheered by the crowd – it was Texas after all. Last year he got himself into some hot water by comparing President Obama to Hitler – because, really, Obama wanted to give everybody affordable healthcare, Hitler gassed six million Jews and blew up Europe. The similarity is striking, right?
President Obama, of course, isn’t actually a Muslim, and he isn’t actually Adolf Hitler – but then Hank Williams Jr. isn’t actually a cowboy either so I suppose it all works out in the end. Personally, at this point I think Hank and Ted Nugent should probably get gay-married, but I understand that’s not legal in Texas.
Methinks, somebody, and I’m not saying who, has watched about one too many Kung Fu movies.
They say that Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits.
He might want to stop waiting and take a nap because people who don’t sleep go psychotic.
And frankly, at this point? It looks like Clint Eastwood might be the sanest guy in the room.