“God is giving a plan I think to me that is not really a plan … the problem is that I think the plan that the Lord would have us follow is hard for people to understand. Because of my track record with you who have been here for a long time, because of my track record with you, I beg of you to help me get this message out and I beg of you to pray for clarity on my part.” Glenn Beck, “The Glenn Beck Program” April 20, 2010
First he told us that if we didn’t like it, we could just get out.
When it turned out that we weren’t moving to sissy Canadaland, he declared that he and his pals were going to take back “their” country.
He even held a big rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and proclaimed the restoration of America – in his image.
Of course, it didn’t exactly pan out that way.
So now, rather than admit his assholery, rather than agree to live with the rest of us and stop acting the fool, Glenn Beck has announced plans to crawl into his own belly button.
Beck proposes to "go Galt" in the style of Atlas Shrugged.
Welcome to Independence, USA.
Independence, USA. It's a serious little community of stern faced libertarians, white picket fences, and a tidy little town square. A place where endless electricity falls like magic snow from the sky and the citizens walk about with pistols on their hip. Here in this Randian paradise there is no law, no government, no taxes, no crime, each man is a sovereign island unto himself, unfettered by the sucking socialist burden of civilization.
Think EPCOT Center crossed with Leave It To Beaver...
...if the Community of Tomorrow was built by Jim Jones instead of Walt Disney, and The Beav was the chain smoking bastard offspring of Ayn Rand and BoBo The Drooling Monkey Boy.
Glenn Beck announced earlier this week that he intends to found himself a new town, Independence, USA. You’ve heard of a City-State? Think Bunker-State and you’ll be in the right ballpark, Independence will be part planned community, part theme park, part Colonial Williamsburg gets ass raped by the Creation Museum. Beck claims that it will be a community built on the “principles of the free market” where families can find “happiness, inspiration, courage, and hope.” According to Beck’s website, The Blaze:
Glenn believes that he can bring the heart and the spirit of Walt’s early Disneyland ideas into reality.
That rumbling sound you hear is Walt Disney’s frozen head spinning in its vat of liquid nitrogen deep in the secret vaults below Tomorrowland.
Beck goes on to say:
Independence, USA wouldn’t be about rides and merchandise, but would be about community and freedom…
So, it is like Disneyland after all, but without any of the fun stuff.
It’s not about rides and merchandise.
It’s about the principles of the free market – because Disney isn’t a giant free market money making machine designed to transmute little princess dreams into ingots of warm yellow capitalism.
It’s not about the merchandise. It’s not about the money.
This from a guy who has spent his entire career reducing the founding concepts of America down to little more than simpleminded marketing gimmicks that are the philosophical equivalent of mouse ears. Right. I give Independence, USA two weeks before Dittoheads in giant cartoon Tom Jefferson suits are hawking Glenn Beck Fudge Bars from carts on the corners for $4.95 a pop.
Apparently, Beck drew inspiration for his own personal town from Galt’s Gulch (AKA “Atlantis” or “Mulligan’s Valley”), the mystical place high in the Colorado Rockies where John Galt leads all the striking Makers in Ayn Rand’s libertarian masturbation fantasy, Atlas Shrugged.
Visits to Beckville will be controlled via a main entrance, implying that, similar to Galt’s walled fortress-like Gulch, or Disneyland, access to the town will be limited to those who can pay. The Blaze reports that residency will be strictly controlled and based on an immigration process similar to Ellis Island, because, according to Glenn Beck “that’s how most Americans came to the country.”
Most Americans came to the United States via Ellis Island.
I assume that means main street, Independence, USA, will likely demonstrate a marked lack of black, brown, yellow, or red faces, maybe Beck should call it Western European Boulevard – or Tea Party Avenue. But I digress.
I hope those libertarians all have fun with the Ellis Island style delousing and background checks.
Beck hasn’t said if he plans to mask the town from overhead surveillance via vision warping heat rays ala John Galt. However, The Blaze has announced that Independence, USA will have its own power supply – one can only assume that since Beck left Fox News he finally had enough free time to invent John Galt’s Electrostatic Motor which perpetually
sucks magic juju beans electricity from the sky.
The centerpiece of Glenntopia will be the marketplace,
The Marketplace would be a place where craftsmen and artisans could open and run real small businesses and stores. The owners and tradesmen could hold apprenticeships and teach young people the skills and entrepreneurial spirit that has been lost in today’s entitlement state.
That’s right kids, put aside that entitlement mentality. That lazy taker attitude that’s had your generation filling the ranks of our volunteer military for the last ten years and fighting our wars on two fronts. Yes, you, you lazy, good for nothing worthless pieces of crap. That’s you, the shit generation, the taker generation. God, you suck, you all suck so bad. You think that just because you’ve been shedding your blood for this country for more than a decade now that your worthless shitty generation is somehow entitled to a piece of the American Dream. Who do you think you are? The Greatest Generation? Takers, that’s you. But, hey, it doesn’t have to be that way. No sirree. Step right up and learn a real American trade by apprenticing to one of our Tea Party Job Creators (Note: Apprentices don’t actually get paid in money, but they do get a nice warm feeling of patriotism). College? You don’t need no college, those places are full communists and socialist and stinky liberals anyway. We’ve got lots of old fashioned apprenticeship choices here in Glenntopia Marketplace! How about blacksmithing or maybe barrel coopering? We’ve got TEA Party sign making too, and you don’t even have to know how to spell!
I don’t suppose this is the place to tell Glenn Beck that out here in the real world, trade unions typically provide on the job training, apprenticeships, and professional certification for jobs that actually have some utility outside of renaissance fairs and flea markets. And given the general bent of these people, I’d suspect that the Glentopian Marketplace will be less a showpiece of Austrian School Economics and more the kind of place where you stone gays and uppity women to death for defying God.
There would also be an Media Center, where Glenn’s production company would film television, movies, documentaries, and more. Glenn hoped to include scripted television that would challenge viewers without resorting to a loss of human decency. He also said it would be a place where aspiring journalists would learn how to be great reporters.
The Glenn Beck Media Center where they make Glenn Beck TV and Glenn Beck movies and Glenn Beck documentaries. And more. So very much more.
Without resorting to a loss of human decency.
A place where aspiring journalists learn to be great reporters.
Learn human decency and great reporting. From Glenn Beck himself.
It’s like the jokes just write themselves, isn’t it?
Across the lake, there would be a church modeled after The Alamo which would act as a multi-denominational mission center.
In a cult-like closed community of paranoid religious extremists.
Modeled on the Alamo.
Listen, word of advice: When the Feds show up in tanks and Glenn Koresh (Jesus, five letters. Glenn, five letters. It’s really just a matter of time, isn’t it?), when Jesus Beck commands you all to grab your kids and your guns and make your last stand in Temple Alamo? Yeah. You might want to think that one through, Davy Crockett. I’m just saying.
Also, anybody else catch that “multi-denominational” bit?
I think that means they’ll have both country and western music playing on the Alamo sound system.
The town will also have a working ranch where visitors can learn how to farm and work the land.
Not to be pedantic or anything, but you work the land on a farm, you raise animals on a ranch. But hell, they’re worshipping in an multi-denominational evangelical church built by a born again Mormon modeled on a fort made from an old Roman Catholic Spanish mission, farm, ranch, tomato, potatoe, fuck it never mind.
Visitors can learn to work the land… and by “work the land [wink wink]” we mean fill out farm subsidy paperwork. I understand that they’ll be calling it the Bachmann Spread.
According to Beck, Independence, USA will grow all its own food and be completely self sufficient. Wasn’t that a major selling point on the Jonestown brochures as well? But I digress.
Independence would also be home to a Research and Development center where people would come to learn, innovate, educate, and create.
I look forward to the fruits of this institution. What marvelous wonders will spring from applied creation science? New, more detailed conspiracy theories? A deeper understanding of Birtherism and 911 Truthiness? Will there be treatises on advanced Global Climate Change Denial? Survival tips for avoiding liquidation in FEMA Death Camps of Death? Refined quantum chalkboard theory? New cures for Teh Gayz? Guidelines for Ebay gold trading techniques? Nazi identification technology? Cheap domestic production techniques for New World Order tin foil hats on an industrial scale? A revolutionary new theory of Jesus Economics built on a foundation powered by the magical Ayn Rand Bullshit Generator?
Before you send your kids to college, you come to us. And you spend a week with us. We're gonna tell them exactly, we will show them the truth, we will tell them what they're going to try to do, and we will deprogram them every summer, if you care.
That would be great. I can spend forty grand a year making sure my kid gets a solid foundation in science, math, history, and cognitive skills – and then I can send him to Never Never Land, where Glenn can teach him how man and dinosaur frolicked together in sinless vegetarian joy six thousand years ago until it was ruined by Hitler. I’m sure that will be very helpful, because the world doesn’t have enough homeless street preachers who reek of cat piss and bath salts and who spend their days in the park shouting at Satan. I wonder if the Becktopia Marketplace will have an apprenticeship program for that.
There would be a theme park for people to recharge and have fun with their families.
A theme park?
I gotta tell you, this place sound a lot less like Disney World to me, and a lot more like Westworld.
And yes, that sounds like fun … right up until the Robo Glennslinger goes berserk and starts slaughtering people, then it’ll be hilarious.
People would also have the option to live in Independence, with a residential area where people of different incomes could all come together and be neighbors.
People of all different incomes could live together and be nei … SWEET ANGRY MONKEY GOD, IT’S LIBERAL HELL! Just like Hitler!
And who exactly will your neighbors be?
Commenters on The Blaze, Yahoo News, and Salon should give you a pretty good idea:
It is all possible, our ancestors did it over 200 years ago..
Yeah, and some of their descendants haven’t advanced since then. Seriously, you want to live like your ancestors did two centuries back, that’s on you. I like indoor plumbing, social safety nets, and cable TV.
Beck preaches self-reliance. When a devastating weather disaster hits me I will overcome then help my neighbors. That’s why we stock pile food, water, gold, and guns. You have to be a fool to believe that government will help you after Katrina and the last hurricane. Believe/rely in yourself that’s all Beck teaches..
You’d have to be a fool to believe that government will help you after a disaster? Yeah, especially when conservative extremists (i.e. the people who listen to Glenn Beck) in congress are doing everything they can to delay federal assistance.
Why would u need taxes [in Independence, USA]? Pay electric bill, water bill, and phone bill. FD will be volunteer[sic]. No democraps so no need in police. Only thing will be mandatory is military service and it will be funded by donations
See, if there are no democrats, there won’t be any crime. Because conservatives don’t commit crimes. That’s why there are no republicans in prison. Want me to pull the thread on that one for you? Or can you get to the racist underpinning on your own?
Also, Independence will have its own military. Funded by donations. Military service will be mandatory.
I suspect YouTube videos of the Glenntopia Conscript Militia in their donated equipment engaging the US Army during the five minute Battle of the Alamo will be regular inclusions in the Darwin awards and world’s biggest idiot compilations for decades to come. It’ll probably be right after that video of Saddam Hussein daring George Bush to invade.
Beck wants to go back to the Leave it to Beaver days and I for one would love to see it, but I don't think it can be done.... Would love to see it though! Blacks and or the ACLU will try to screw it up as soon as it starts!.
Well, at least they’re not racists. And really, why wouldn’t people of color want a do-over of the 1950s?
If Beck’s dream fails, it’ll be the ACLU’s fault, mark my words.
Read the book atlas shrugged if you want to be informed. […] I am all for it. Plus the "society" Galt created had a financial system but was built on the premise of no Looters (Democrats), or Moochers (people on the system) only producers. Obama believes the following: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need" So the point is best put by the words of Ayn Rand and galt " I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." That is how I will live my life and I refuse to work for the benefit of another unless I choose too. I believe in charity, of MY CHOOSING, it is not the place of the Government to take from me and give to whatever they believe in. i have my beliefs and it is not the beliefs of Obama or anyone else for that matter. So you have all voted for what you are now getting. "reap what you sow". You are now doing that. Give Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Reid, Feinstein, etc. your guns. You have now given up. Live free in your utopia. Give 100% of your money to them as well, they know better than you do how to spend it. besides, you will be getting your health care, benefits, etc. from the government. So what do you need "Producers" for. Oh yeah, you cannot pay for all of this "Freedom" without the producers in the world. Hence the motto of the book. What would happen if the "producers" left and stopped being robbed at the barrel of a Government Gun. Don't believe the increase in "Revenue" obama likes to call it is not at the gun, then try not to pay your property taxes. Then a Sheriff will come to your house with a GUN and evict you. Even though you supposedly OWN your property. Well we do not anymore. Welcome to the United Socialist States of America cir. 1939. FDR new deal has made his socialist (communist) dream come true..
I think we’ve found the perfect guy to chair the Economics Department at Beck University.
And a history professor:
The Pilgrims did't take anyone else's land. Look it up- they waited for the folks who had cleared the area of Plymouth to show up only to learn they had all died of disease. The last man of that tribe had been abroad when the epidemic hit so he survived and lived with a neighboring people group. He welcomed the Pilgrims and helped them out. If you wanna talk about koolaid drinkers, those of you regurgitating the self-loathing lies of the left are the real cultists. Don't you ever question the contempt-filled litany of white guilt that was drummed into your skulls at college? Try it- the truth will set you free…[sic]
The truth, it will set you free. There’s a very funny de-motivational poster in there somewhere.
An isolated walled garrison town, created and controlled by Glenn Beck.
Populated by people who think just like Glenn Beck.
Designed to produce more people who see the world just like Glenn Beck!
Walt Disney my ass.
Independence, USA sounds like something dreamed up by Stephen King; it’s not EPCOT, it’s The Stepford Wives meets Children Of The Corn.
Two years ago, Glenn Beck stood on the Washington Mall in the shadow of Abraham Lincoln and told us that we, people like you and me, we weren’t Americans. That we didn’t belong.
Five decades ago this year, Martin Luther King stood upon those self same steps. Dr. King looked out upon our nation and spoke in a voice that still brings me to tears and he told us all that he had a dream. That dream, well, that dream was about more than just race, it was about people, Americans, coming together – instead of hiding in isolation, nursing their festering ignorance and bigotry and hatred.
Dr. King’s dream was about building a nation, not tearing one apart and squatting in the ruins.
It seems that some folks never got the message.
Glenn Beck wants to create his own retreat far from us?
I say fine.
Brick him in and let him rot in his apartheid.
Hat Tip to Vernor Vinge and his short story “Apartness” for the title and the last line of this essay.
Great article, Jim.ReplyDelete
Question: Is there still a one-hour statue of limitations before sending in spelling checks or did I miss the rule for sending those in?
The Statue of Limitations - would be the opposite of the Statue of Liberty, I assume?Delete
If I thought he knew how to operate an XBox, I'd accuse Beck of ripping off Bioshock.ReplyDelete
Good point. But to be fair, I don't believe that Beck knows jack shit about BIOSHOCK (great game, by the way...).Delete
Most Americans I know came via their mother, at a hospital maternity ward. I think hippies tried the commune idea a few years ago, maybe there is one left in Oregon? No public education, but 100% conscription in the Military? Does that include gays, women, and children?ReplyDelete
I believe Monty Python, Benny Hill, Buster Keaton and Timothy Leary are all taking notes.
Well, obviously there will be no gays in Beckistan. As you're very likely aware, teh gay is a learned behavior. Without any gays in the initial mix, there won't be anyone to recruit and convert innocent youths.Delete
That's the mother of all oxymorons - Randian Commune. ;o)Delete
Gays won't be allowed, women are only allowed in the kitchen and children will be manning the sweatshops.Delete
Excellent as always.ReplyDelete
Caught a Birtherism missing an r, and a subside where I think you meant subsidy. Oh, and flea market rather than flee market.
Is it just me or does the term "Bachmann Spread" strike fear and loathing into anyone else's heart?
Going back to read it again for savory goodness.
Oh, dang, is there a time-lapse before posting about typos? My bad! Sorry!Delete
Bachmann Spread just made me almost spit my coffee all over my monitor...until the actual vision of that hit...then I wanted to hurl.Delete
I just threw up in my mouth a little. Jeebus H. Christ. Wasn't Beck the guy who openly admitted he didn't give a crap about politics; he was only in it for the money? *sigh*ReplyDelete
Been missing you, hope you're feeling better. Another great piece! Thanks!ReplyDelete
Seconded...and looking forward to more. Also, there's an artist's co-op next door to my shop, and I pointed her at your Etsy store...so if you get some nibbles from CT, don't assume it's a scam, plz? I'd love to see your work up close and personalDelete
God, I hate me when I do this.ReplyDelete
I believe that should be "flea markets" sted "flee markets".
Actually in this specific instance "flee market " would be right. After all beck want so flee the rest of the country. Hmmm, maybe it should be "fleece" instead.Delete
Oh. And "farm subsidy" sted "farm subside".ReplyDelete
All right, back to my reading and chortling.
SO, as one of the few people in this country who has actually built a fully functioning, self contained-as-far-as-possible city in the middle of nowhere (Rajneeshpuram, 1981-1985, now a summer camp for Jesus, I think that's what Anon above @ 2:48 is talking about), I call bullshit on Glenn Beck, Ayn Rand and all the other fairydust-sniffers who who think you can do this 1) in a hurry 2) without the local governments having a say about your traffic, sewage, crown control and the like 3) absolute boat-loads of cash and a lot of expertise. We maxed out at about 3500 permanent residents, and had a sewage system, major electrical substation, bus transport system, airstrip (complete with fully staffed, and certified DC-3s! and a couple of Robertson 22s among other fun toys) construction department, plumbers electricians, cooks, cleaners, farm people, etc etc. Not to mention a guru who help bring in the $10 million a year it cost to run the place. It took years to learn how to do all this. And we fucked it up badly. I can't wait to see this one.ReplyDelete
Yes, that the one I meant. I would love to buy you beer (Haitian Ginger) and listen to the stories. Also, I was thinking 'fleece' markets.Delete
Danny, it's a deal. I'm in SoCal, where are you? hit me at swyogi at gmail if you want.Delete
Should be crowd control, but crown control works too.Delete
Fucking it up included poisoning at least 750 of near by town, no?Delete
Nope. You want the real info, glad to supply it, but what it boils down to is that anyone who reported getting sick within about a 3 day period was considered to have been poisoned. Not that it excuses what did happen, and some of the crap was really out-there bad, but accuracy was not the point of either US AG, or the Oregonian.Delete
I knew the guy who was accused of it (he was one of my bosses). During the time he was supposed to be poisoning people he was running a grader on a back road about 50 miles from The Dalles. But I was never called to testify: the AG's office worked night and day to prevent anyone from the Road Crew from testifying.
Beach dog, I think they would in fact be "flee" markets :-)ReplyDelete
Ditto on the partial regurgitation, Linnea.ReplyDelete
Is it me or is this a deja vu thingie of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker's PTL Nirvana (pre-tearful, Jessica Hahn-induced breakdown)? Goody!!! Where's the popcorn?
You may be right, Red Person.ReplyDelete
Let them build their village (in Texas?), populate it with idiots, and build a wall to keep us out. Then we can put up an electric fence to keep them in. Problem solved.ReplyDelete
PS: Your readers are so typo-crazed that I had to delete my first comment to correct a typo. The horror.
We already have a village like Beck's in Texas. It's pink and it is in Austin.Delete
Sometimes the villagers wander out and go to Washington and babble bullshit about our President.
Thanks for the laugh. I've been by that place in Austin, where they "dance a little sidestep" but preferred the dancing on 6th.Delete
I say we just give them ALL of Texas. They keep wanting to secede anyway, and as much as I hate to give him the credit Glenn Beck probably can't run the place any worse than Rick Perry.Delete
Plus, why build a country-and-western chapel patterned after the Alamo, when you can just use the real Alamo? There ya go, Glenn, I just saved you a few million — don't say I never did anything nice for you. (Also, this will be the last time I ever do anything nice for you.)
Flee is now Flea. Everything else will have to wait until I can get to my main computer.ReplyDelete
This was published from my tablet, autocorrect is not my friend.
Williamsburg not -bergDelete
Stephen King not Stephan
And any chance I could respectfully request that Colonial Williamsburg get ass-fucked by the Creation Science Museum instead of ass-raped? Similar verbal impact with less rape-triggery goodness.
Actually I -liked- Flee Market, it had a certain, ah appeal to the Glen-verse.Delete
Actually, I think what Beck is proposing actually IS a "flee market."ReplyDelete
I enjoy your writing, and I enjoy it so much that I notice neither spelling nor grammatical errors. That is just how much I love your writing. I go to a place where what you have to say is so overwhelming that I don't notice anything but content. Thanks again for being that writer, and that idea generator!ReplyDelete
(disclaimer: this is not meant to be a negative comment regarding those that find grammar and spelling errors and report them posthaste, this is merely a commentary on how I am so into the writing and content that I actually forget to scan for any sort of misappropriation of the language of English.)
Exactly. I edit and teach technical writing for a living, and I put a much larger premium on great thinking and expression than nitpicky typos. Of course, when this makes it into Jim's book, then we'll want to see the hand of that editor. (Okay, a book would lose the terrific immediacy of what he writes, so maybe not.)Delete
After reading Jim for a few weeks, I have come to realize that Paul Krugman would be a much more compelling writer if he would use the F-word once in a while.Delete
I too read fo content and context, I would be a terrible editor. Only time I notice errors if the material is so bad it doesn't capture my attention or if it doesn't make sense. Neither of these is a problem when I read Stonekettle Station. I actually thought Glenbeckistan might be the name fo his village of dementia.Delete
I too read fo content and context, I would be a terrible editor. Only time I notice errors if the material is so bad it doesn't capture my attention or if it doesn't make sense. Neither of these is a problem when I read Stonekettle Station. I actually thought Glenbeckistan might be the name fo his village of dementia.Delete
As I was reading this blog post, I couldn't help but think of the program I watched on ID last night about Scientology. It will be very, VERY interesting to see where Beck's little experiment goes, if it even gets off the ground. He is truly a nut case; straight outta Jonestown.ReplyDelete
"Welcome to Independence, USA.ReplyDelete
Independence, USA. It's a serious little community of..."
I have no idea why I started reading this post in a Rod Serling voice. Laughed a little to myself and continued. Then I realized why.
I wonder if Beckstown will have a Koolade stand?
Thanks for another great one, Mr W. (a little relieved to see you back, too)
When I first read about the planned Beckistan, I thought many of the same things you did. I can't see a large group of "don't tread on me" types living in that close proximity without bloodshed happening. I also wonder just how long this thing would last. I doubt it would get past a year or two. I also wonder how many millions of dollars Beck will end up with when it falls?ReplyDelete
Maybe he can build it in Uzbekistan? We can trade for Russian orphans.Delete
Just watch; Beck'll make Herman Cain head of the People's Revolutionary Army of Independence, USA, and when they get sick of having to comply with Federal, State and County ordinances and laws, they'll launch a full-scale invasion of Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan so they can relocate.Delete
I noticed errors, but ignored them. I love your blog. You have made me wish I too could live in isolation (of a sort) in Alaska or maybe some place warmer. I would be surrounded by Shop Cats and dogs, and spend time just sitting and enjoying the peace and quiet. You are just an awfully lot of fun!!!!ReplyDelete
I wonder where Beck plans to put his new community.ReplyDelete
I wouldn't recommend any place in West Texas; it's not very good for agriculture due to a limited and highly variable water supply. The Rocky Mountains are not very good because of limited land suitable for agriculture (and there are many people already in those favorable locations). Most of the places in the USA that are good for agriculture are already occupied.
What energy source is he planning on? Solar, hydroelectric, or ?
What natural resources does he envision needing?
Obviously, Beck has not thought this through very well. Kind of like those folks who want to build "The Citadel" in Idaho.
Good gravy, that man is drinking rabid bonobo ass-juice.ReplyDelete
I think it would be fabulous for all of those kooks to be In One Place. Then we could spray it with something that would make them sterile and they won't breed....
The whole thing cracks me up. The worshiping of Ayn Rand as some kind of goddess of independence when she died broke and homeless and had been surviving on the government dole for years. The place is supposed to be totally energy independent. So are they going to drill their own oil and gas wells? Build a refinery? Or are they going to build renewable energy infrastructures - of the kind that Beck has spoken so vocally of in the past as being useless and inadequate? Everyone works together to help each other out - isn't that socialism?ReplyDelete
Can we make it so that they HAVE to live there in their utopia 24/7 - 365 days of the year? No running off to the lakeside vacation place for a little get away each year, huh? I'll help guard the gates to make sure no one gets in ...or out.
I'm so going to enjoy watching this play out.I'm betting 10 imaginary bucks right now that this plan never even gets off the drawing board.
It's only socialism if the government MAKES you help each other out. Personally, I think Beck's proposal is closer to communism.Delete
It very much is. After all, he's made it clear himself; people of all incomes (solongasthey'rewhite*cough*notracist*cough) will live together as neighbours and work together for the good of the community. He's straight-up advocating a class-less society.Delete
Ann would have been particularly interested in the church. She's rolling in her grave, but the sound you hear wafting up through the ground is laughter.Delete
Absolutely superb, Jim. Should be required reading.ReplyDelete
So glad to have you back. How are you and the missus doing? Fully on the mend I hope. And thanks for your timing on this. I so desperately needed something to distract my mind from the seemingly endless litany of idiot things I needed to do this week. They all now appear so inconsequential compared to the importance of this great undertaking from Mr. Beck. I look forward to his future developments with great anticipation because I'm sure they will mean another searing column will come blasting out of the frozen north to bring joy and laughter to us all!ReplyDelete
Great essay as always, Jim, glad you've thrown off the flu.ReplyDelete
I personally hope Beckster the Grifter builds his medieval walled city, and furthermore think that once all his whackjob devotees are in there, somebody should build three or four moats around it, fill them with crocodiles and pirana, and not let any of them leave, ever. After all, quarantine is the best treatment for plague.
Of course, this is never going to happen, this is just another of his sleezy scams for money. Hopefully, when the suckers wake up, they'll sue him into bankruptcy and jail.
Oh! Oh! I've got one--ReplyDelete
It's "Tomorrowland" (one word, not two).
And this is a hilarious piece. I certainly do hope Beck dupes a couple hundred or so ijits into paying him to found it. Imagine the school curriculum!
"Nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Me thinks Beck is trying to jump on the band wagon of these folksReplyDelete
It's Beckistan, only better.
They've got an arms factory!
Does no taxes also mean no streets, no street maintenance, no sidewalks, no streetlights, no park, no library? Or will the street outside your house be owned by some rich guy (guess who) who tracks every move you make and bills you by the step? And if there aren't going to be any laws or regulations, I guess there will be no sanitary standards whatsoever for the restaurants, or limits on air pollution and hazardous waste for other businesses. Hope there's a hospital, they'll need it.ReplyDelete
Why would there be a hospital? Re-attach that arm your own damn self, and stop bleeding all over the place! You're making the ones who might survive nervous!Delete
I think this "Glennbeckistan" is a wonderful place for my projected means of controlling those who like to use "assault-style" weapons. They are given a weapon, 5,000 rounds, and food for 1 year. Then they are enclosed in "Glennbeckistan" with all the other owners. They can only leave "Glennbeckistan" without their "assault-style" weapon. Any bets as to how long it would be until there is utter chaos and people beating on the gates begging to be let out???ReplyDelete
sixteen men on dead man's chest. Without the rum or the Yo-Ho!, obviously. And all they each got was a mere cutlass. Still, it worked...Delete
I think it would take only until they run out of bullets. With no way to get replacements.Delete
Sounds fair to me, especially if the rest of us can watch it like a giant version of the Big Brother house.ReplyDelete
Can we take bets on how long it is before we consider sending Snake Plissken in?
Those cameras on every building corner (inside and out) aren't Big Brother. Heck, no, in Beckistan that's good old Pay Per View. You agreed to it in your contract, section 82 page 367 paragraph 46.Delete
Dweller, yes! Great idea, somebody call Snake!Delete
Wait, Snake was sent in to get someone OUT. Please, think about this!Delete
That's exactly what i was thinking! The newest season of Survivor, Glennbeckistan: the Land of Unintended Consequences! i think that would be some compelling reality TV right there.Delete
I got sucked in by the first paragraph and snorted through most of it, until I hit the phrase "applied creation science," which made me go a little blind.ReplyDelete
Probably from working the land too much
Glad you're better.
All errors and typos noted so far have been fixed. Thanks for the assist.ReplyDelete
I'm immediately reminded of a commercial that's been running in New York recently. Mitch Leigh -- he wrote the music for the original "Man of La Mancha" and directed the Broadway revival of "The King & I" among other things -- is trying to find people to help him build a town in the middle of New Jersey. Think: The Anti-Independence.
My favorite part is the tag line on his commercials: "If you're not a nice person, please don't call."
"maybe Beck should call it Western European Boulevard – or Tea Party Avenue. But I digress."ReplyDelete
Actually, Ellis Island would be more an Eastern and Southern European Boulevard - most of the Krauts and almost all the Frogs and WASPs were already here when it finally got going as a gatehouse. In fact, its primary purpose was to serve the power of those Western European groups. Except for the Irish. Nobody in the West wanted to claim the Irish.
But you're right - no Asians, Africans, or Indians to speak of passed its doors. It's just that I'm not sure that Beck's supporters really want to be lumped in with Brooklyinite Russian Jews or Italians from Staten Island or the Jersey Shore who are the most notable still-extant blocks of descendants of those who passed through Ellis Island. Beck's people tend to be more the really white bread types, don't they?
Yay! You're back! (I actually clapped gleefully when I saw that you had posted.)ReplyDelete
Are you being unkind to the mentally handicapped again? I hope the compound has an insane asylum.ReplyDelete
Wouldn't that be redundant?Delete
Wouldn't that be redundant?Delete
Oh, Glenn Beck is such a fount of material... If he didn't exist we'd have to make someone like him.ReplyDelete
I would lke to see this "Self Suficient" town... Where is the Iron Mine, The coal Mine, The quarry, The oil wells and refineries and the steel plant and the phamaceutical plant and the computer factory and the paper mill and the copper/aluminum/molybdenum mine/smelter/forges/machine shops and water works and the...well you get the idea. It just seems as though when you get right down to it...we're ALL DEPENDENT ON EACH OTHER?!?!? OH NO's...SOCIALISM! (Where do you want the Nazis delivered?)
I love the idea of the all volunteer fire squad. Can you see the Beckians responding? "Fuck it, it ain't my house on fire, let the assholes who live there put it out."Delete
3 hours later the whole place will be up in flames.
And where are the factories producing cotton, linen, and woolen fabrics for clothing and household fabrics? And the space to raise cotton, flax (for linen), and sheep?Delete
Sheep will not be in short supply in Mr Beck's Utopialand. ;-)Delete
Now I know for sure why I quit watching any and all TV not long ago. I thought after the election that the world would at least go back to it's normal amount of wackoism and douchebaggery, but alas, it's just gotten worse and even added some TOTALLY out there psychos that are actually being LISTENED to MORE now than they ever were before! (Rush,Glenn,Ann,God,the Devil, ect...) It's truly scary out there! Living in Florida certainly doesn't help much either. I think I may just huddle in my nice comfy house with my hubby, dog & cat and keep trying to pretend these absolute wackjobs don't actually exist. Creepy, crazy, idiotic world we're living in with people actually agreeing with Glenn The Douche King Beck. ~shudder~ReplyDelete
Hey Heather, I so agree with you. I, for whatever reason, did truly believe that after four years of the "insane campaign" that things would settle down a little. But noooo! I think it's worse.Delete
Living in Florida, oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Been there,three times, didn't like it at all.
I'm with you, I live on 20 acres, my own little paradise, with my best buddy, my husband, a herd of cats, and a couple dogs, where I am queen. It's good to be queen. No loonies allowed, off with their heads! I shudder right along with you.
From one queen of her tiny, little kingdom to another, good luck.
Damn straight Jim, as usual you nailed it.ReplyDelete
Take a step back and what is interesting is: what Beck proposes is more or less precisely what is happening to the Tea rump of Republican party. It's shrinking, pulling the wagons closer round, and getting more and more extreme, if that is possible. Which apparently it is.ReplyDelete
Beck clearly sees that, and sees there may be a way for him to continue to suck money out of those poor suckers.
"[T]he Tea rump of the Republican party."Delete
You mean the House of Representatives?
I just had a flash back to Escape from New York. Somehow I think the "society" would resemble New York's denizens in that movie rather than his Randian paradise.ReplyDelete
So glad you mentioned indoor plumbing - having lived for 10 of my childhood years in the backwoods with no sewerage & a water supply where bathing was considered a luxury if we went more than 2 months without rain - never again would I want to live in such an environment.ReplyDelete
I guess there would be no arguments about health care - it seems to be omitted from the society - so all women of child bearing age would be barefoot & pregnant. It is to be hoped their husbands/partners no more about obstetrics than the current GOP house members know about birth control.
I assume Mr Beck is requesting a "deposit" from those who wish to enter the hallowed walls of the city of dreams.
I don't know, Jim...I kinda thing having Glenn and his followers all herded up in one place and not out in the real world irritating us wouldn't be so bad. Maybe that's just me.ReplyDelete
Great post, btw.
Wait -- you're telling me these people will *voluntarily* remove themselves from our society? This is the best news I've heard in 15 years.ReplyDelete
It seems to me that Beck desperately wants to be the next L. Ron Hubbard. The next step after creating the new society is a religion to go with it.ReplyDelete
Anyne else notice a bit of discord in hearing the phrase "planned community" in the same sentence with "freedom"? And it just got worse & worse from there. "Here, you are free to follow the path I have laid out for you."ReplyDelete
And, I live in Williamsburg and worked for many years for CW - so that one image is particulary shuddersome to me. And you might like to know that my standard two-word reply to the wide-eyed visitor who is so charmed by the unrealistically clean streets & bathed denizens that they gush "I so wish I had lived in those times" is this: "flush toilets".
It would seem that way, but so long as one is free to choose to enter the community, it's really just a contract. Like deed restrictions. Is it a contract I'd like to enter? Probably not.Delete
Waving at you from the other side of the fence, Bruce.Delete
Yeah, I hear you flush toilets and indoor, non-hauled by hand, clean, hot water. The mark of a truly advanced society.
TLF- you're quite right, you are free to enter a contract or not. But a contract necessarily limits freedom by prescribing or proscribing certain actions. My point is just that I am amused (or scared, depending on the number of guns) by people who promise more freedom through conformation.Delete
What was Loki's pitch in the Avengers?
Hedgewytch - Waving back. I take it you are/were a visitor?
I like 'em too, but in the long run, we need a more sustainable approach than expensively purifying water to drinking quality so we can crap in it and, very often, flush it out to sea. Natural nutrient cycles can't cope with eight billion large animals eating on land and crapping in the ocean. (FWIW, I find it much easier to do without running water than without electricity - the QOL value of one good bright lightbulb is gigantic.)Delete
Can I submit names of people who would be perfect for this city? I know quite a few cracked tea pots - er party people that I would love to have move away and quit bothering everyone with their selfish whining!ReplyDelete
Thank you Jim for getting better...but don't you think that tackling the Glenn Beck thing a little too soon after being so sick? It makes my head hurt just even hearing this "person's" name...ReplyDelete
Glenn Beck is not a libertarian. Ayn Rand was not a libertarian. Both firmly believe in the violence perpetrated by the State, it's just different from the violence advocated by the statists on the other end of the spectrum.ReplyDelete
Would that Disney were operating in a free market. But it isn't. We have IP laws. That is a grant of monopoly by the State. We have subsidy through tax breaks, regulations, licenses...not a free market. Glenn's market would have plenty of protectionism, I assure you.
And heck, what if he did start up a community built on the NAP? That would mean people could teach science instead of superstition. See, I believe in evolution--in a universe we can apprehend through reason and observation. I believe my body is the product of a complex process of evolution. Other people think differently. And they want to teach their kids that stuff. It's not my business. But the fact is, they pay taxes, too. So they should get a voice. I don't like it, but so long as they're paying, they should get what they want, too. I'm all for ending aggression.
The stupid...it burns so much. Is there anyway we can actually let Beck do this, make the idiot commenters live there, and oh yes, send them the seceders, too? And then wall the whole insane bunch in to self-destruct? Please, please, please?ReplyDelete
Nan in Texas
If the Tealiban are actually volunteering to go away and hide behind the walls of this fortress, I'll gladly contribute.ReplyDelete
While I wish they really would do it, SJ, I think that any money contributed would go towards "planning", i.e fast cars, scotch and hookers for the Beckster and his friends. [He's a Mormon, you say? That hasn't stopped 'em yet (look up Sen. Crapo, Dec. 2012).]Delete
Glenn believes that he can bring the heart and the spirit of Walt’s early Disneyland ideas into realityReplyDelete
Including the bit about no drinking fountains, so everyone has to buy?
I think folks are shooting too high with Ol Glen's inspiration for all this booger eating nonsense. Without all the 'aim for the stars' rhetoric what we've got here is one part Calvin and Hobbes trying to 'Get Rid Of Slimy girlS' and one part Woodbury from the 'Walking Dead'.ReplyDelete
My thought is that Glen would make a good leader of such a community as long as there wasn't a stuffed tiger to potentially usurp his position as 'Supreme leader for Life'.
Prediction -- Beck takes deposits for Beckistan, picks out a nice piece of land somewhere in the western US, makes a show of running around getting ready, and then "oops, we're bankrupt". Most of the money goes into Beck's pocket.ReplyDelete
"Planned communities" built from the ground up are seriously expensive. Here in the Washington DC area, we have three of the most successful ones (Greenbelt and Columbia, Maryland and Reston, Virginia). You're talking a fifty years to breakeven, minimum.
Given that one of the defining characteristics of the current right-wing is their complete inability to do arithmetic, I'm not optimistic about anything but Glenn Beck's profits.
Get the popcorn ready! Be sure to leave some unsalted and unbuttered, to throw at the clowns.
I save the un-popped and burned kernels for throwing!Delete
Beckistan; Seccession for seccessionists who are too chickenshit to move to Somalia. And he REALLY thinks the US Goverment is going to tolerate an independant nation forming itself in the middle of this country? Has he seen the Waco tapes?ReplyDelete
Is he going to have a big hole in the ground in the middle of the place where he and his idiots can stand around shouting, "This. Is. SPARTA!!" at each other in between circle jerks?
I assume by Waco you're referring to the the Branch Davidian crazy at Mt. Carmel, E of Waco. While that place was many things, independent nation was not one of them. Entertaining history though. Thanks for providing the impetus to read up on it. Its a bit quieter in Waco now, at least when Nugent isn't spouting off.Delete
I understand, Don. My point being that the FedGov isn't going to tolerate yet another heavily armed cult of loonies in it's midst without history repeating itself.Delete
Sorry if I was unclear.
This is so good on so many levels. There's a whole lotta Elmer Gantry in that Beck boyo--perhaps he should christen his uptopian ville 'Zenith'? So many literary allusions come to mind. Now where did I put that conch shell?ReplyDelete
God I love this place! Damn J.W., "crawl into his own belly button." Hysterical laughter at that mental visual.ReplyDelete
Gotta have humor because we all know, as Jimmy says, "if we couldn't laugh, we'd just all go insane."
Independence would also be home to a Research and Development center where people would come to learn, innovate, educate, and create.ReplyDelete
Hey, those dinosaur saddles don't invent themselves, y'know!
Okay. So. Beck wants an enclave of like-minded people who believe in making hand-crafted products that can be sold to the outside world (one assumes) or bartered within the community. He wants the community to support local agriculture and maybe raise some chickens. They will be inclined to help each other out, but in ways that don't intrude upon the individual's chosen lifestyle. They will have their own set of rules regarding how to deal with infractions in the mutually agreed upon social code. Entry into this society will be selective and members will be protective of each other against outsiders who don't understand what they're trying to create/build. Most of them will be armed at any given time. Do I have that right?ReplyDelete
Because if so, Glenn Beck just started a renaissance faire.
Bwwaahahaha! You made me snort my tea! You think they'll have fried turkey legs available?Delete
You betcha! I used to be a participant in the northern California Renaissance Pleasure Faire. Beck has a penchant for taking other people's ideas and claimed them for his own. And if he had done any research, he would know that such "communities" are embeded in the surrounding culture and cannot be walled off. That way lies extinction.Delete
Why do we think anybody's going to help anybody out in a "community" formed of total strangers whose entire social philosophy to date has been "I got mine, Jack"?Delete
And BTW, most people worldwide who make handcrafted goods make a pitifully low income. Are they going to forbid imported goods, or impose huge tariffs? Otherwise, the maker of hand-tailored clothing is going to be competing with Walmart's Chinese slave labor, and will be able to earn about fifty cents an hour. Sure, I believe that he will be on an equal social footing with the guy whose million$ are working for him outside the wall.
As long as all their weapons are foam rubber, they can have at it.Delete
Long-time reader, first time commenter, add me to your growing list of admirers, Jim.ReplyDelete
Regarding the piece, I'd be completely shocked if Beck did anything concrete towards the building of his island for misfits...the only thing he's hoping to make is more money off his dupes. Spinning this fairy tale about some emerald libertarian city is just more Svegalian fodder for his reality-challenged followers.
Beck was going to name his project "Irrelevance, U.S.A." until he checked the zip code on where he resides and discovered that he was there already.ReplyDelete
Great piece Jim. As always, an informative and entertaining read.
You pays your money, send your kids ... and their experience involves tilling the field. A theme prk like no other - - Wonder what the "E" ticket ride is??ReplyDelete
I don't like Beck, but to build straw men, as you've done many times before, exaggerating to an absurd degree to argue a point, just makes you sound silly, because you know better. People are still free to associate with whomever they choose, but to make Glenn and anyone who longs for a better world for his children than the corrupt cesspool Americans now swim in, a racist, is starting to sound moldy.ReplyDelete
And yet you still keep coming back, don't you, Tex?Delete
I don't think you know what the word strawman actually means, but that didn't keep you from creating one of you own, did it?
I have cleaned cesspools and been to corrupt countries. I suspect you have done neither. When you call America a corrupt cesspool, you are mildly irritating to me, but denigrating the work and sacrifices of everyone who has contributed to this country.Delete
Oh yeah, man. 'Cause the U.S. Military never goes into corrupt places; they only invade happy countries. Hey Jim, how 'bout you tell him about the time you participated in the invasion of Holland?Delete
He probably doesn't want to talk about that one; the hangover lasted for a week.
Actually, a couple of friends and I did invade Holland once. I love Amsterdam.Delete
I say you use straw men in your arguments--they are argumentative, after all. You argue against the racist which you imply is inherent in the nature of conservatives. You argue that most who don't like Obama's policies must be racist. If you don't imply this, then I apologize for stating you regularly use the straw man(demon racist): a logical fallacy.Delete
I stand in awe at your dazzling grasp of logical fallacies, Anonymous.Delete
From a Forbes mag. article in 2010ReplyDelete
With a deadpan, Beck insists that he is not political: "I could give a flying crap about the political process." Making money, on the other hand, is to be taken very seriously, and controversy is its own coinage. "We're an entertainment company," Beck says
I wonder if there's anyone around where I live interested in this project? I'll help 'em pack their bags, and I'll even drive them to the airport! My only worry is that we might not be able to make them stay there.ReplyDelete
I read your blog because you are smart and write well. Your opinions are entertaining. You are charming even while you are denigrating. So, thanks for the facetious compliment.ReplyDelete
Anyone remember the Biosphere experiment out in Arizona in the Early '90's? totally closed community, in theory. It didn't go so well.ReplyDelete
The line about tea party signmakers not ev en needing to know how to spell: priceless!
Beckville(or the previously mentioned Beckistan) will surely have a labor portal. After all, who's going to build homes and fences, clean, wash dishes, etc.? They may all be makers but I can't see them picking lettuce, chopping cotton, or shearing sheep.ReplyDelete
On another aspect that makes no sense (target rich environment) is using the symbolism of the Alamo. Those who defended the Alamo died. All of them. As a place of worship it did okay I suppose if you like Spanish colonialism, but as a defensive position it failed (twice, the Texicans initially took it from the Mexican garrison rather easily)(Did they learn from that? No.). So, is this Beck's martyr wish?
The very idea of a church would probably amuse Ayn Rand who rather famously was anti-faith and religion.
Shearing sheep? Nah. FLEECING sheep? Damn skippy they will!Delete
"Beckistan" cracks me up. I had not heard of this whole idea as I try not to expose myself to Glenn Beck much..... ever. Who knows? Beckness might be catching and that would be a horrible thing. Thanks for keeping me informed in such an entertaining way.ReplyDelete
One small typo "colleges... full [of] communists" 'of' is missing.
So long as some one mentions the word "Communism" where this place is concerned, I'm happy.ReplyDelete
Nice work, Jim. Thank you. Always thank you.
When I heard about Beckville last week, I was puzzled: why would he name his place "Independence USA" when he so clearly detests the USA? Can't we just let him buy some land in, oh, maybe North Dakota, and put up borders around the place? No more USA goodies for you, dude.ReplyDelete
Another great read. Thanks for your commanding use of the English language; it makes a great read even better.
WOOT. If I did not think we were both beyond that kind of thing I'd want to bear your babies.ReplyDelete
Thank you for your insightful posts.
Love it man, really do, thank you for an insightful post. Keep it up.ReplyDelete
On the one hand, I would love to see them dig their hole and pull it in over themselves... but I keep remembering that this is Glenn "controversy is its own coinage" Beck. No matter what happens, his bank account will grow, at the expense of the idiots who will follow him in (and who will still love him even after they crash and burn). Don't assume he believes the BS he spouts; watch what actually happens.ReplyDelete
Beck's plan has "scam" written all over it. I expect that a mass email about the project will be forthcoming soon. It will feature poor sentence structure and incorrect spelling, and everywhere the term "Nigerian" appears, it will be crossed out and replaced with the term "Randian".ReplyDelete
When I was involved with the Minneapolis #Occupy, one of the things I found ever so droll was just how quickly the problems of the national scale cropped up in our little experiment. I wonder how the Beckistanis will handle themselves when they face the same issues?ReplyDelete
Anyone but me find it humorous that these bozos are going to establish a Randian Libertarian paradise with religion as the central element? They think they're creating Tomorrowland, but it's really just Frontierland.ReplyDelete
Does anyone see an irony in calling this isolationist community "Independence, USA"? Last time I looked, USA stood for United States of America.ReplyDelete
I expect that once Beck starts building full-service hospitals and staffing them with well-trained professionals so his suckers don't die from appendicitis, he will realize the limits of being Glen Beck. And of course they'll develop their own medicines, because they'd never trust a government agency like the FDA to regulate what the "makers" make. And if someone establishes a cattle feed lot just upwind of "independence", they would never expect government intervention to fix that problem. Sometimes what the "makers" make is methane.ReplyDelete
You had fun writing this, I can tell. Thanks, It was fun.ReplyDelete
Is Beck trying to "out dumb" himself. There is no plot of land anywhere in the USA in which he can be "free" of any government regulations and/or laws or create his own if contradictory to state or federal laws. Whether it is in North Dakota, Texas or Iowa, the federal laws and the laws of the specific state and even the specific county prevail.ReplyDelete
While Beck will get support from those like him - Palin etc. Replace Beck and his libertarians ideas with the name of any Muslim cleric and Sharat law and watch conservative heads explode over the idea of an "independent" city within the USA.
Ooze-Beckistan does have a nice ring to it..ReplyDelete
Ooze-Beckistan does have a nice Soviet style martial ring to it...ReplyDelete
Beck is seriously behind the curve here. There is already a place in Idaho called The Citadel that is similar to Beck’s Independence. The big draw for The Citadel is the Armory where they will build all their own firearms and sell them to us sinners. You have to sign a “Patriots declaration” and pledge yourself to “Jefferson’s Rightful Liberty” to join – and be vetted by the committee (just like a secret society). Kind of like Jonestown meets David Koresh meets the Masons. It is safe to say minorities or the poor need not apply.ReplyDelete
We already had a place like this in Sugarland Texas called Sweetwater. Sweetwater was completely gated, all shopping inside the gates, their own police department, their own schools, armed guards at all gates to keep the minorities and poors out. You only need the armored Suburban for the dad to go to heathen Houston to his overpaid management job. The wife and kids never had to leave Sweetwater and mingle with the “normal folks” (code for sinners).
We've got our own little Beckster here in Michigan. Rodney Lockwood and a group of other rich guys are trying to buy Belle Isle in the Detroit River. They have the plans all drawn for a brand new commonwealth. Ironic word, commonwealth, since you'll need $300 grand to become a resident.ReplyDelete
You Sir are Brilliant in your scythe-like wit.
Never before have I heard of an idea and conceptualization so UN-like OATH OF FEALTY by Niven & Pournelle....but was wondering, could Beckistan have a diving board off the edge too? No safety nets this time, though.
I was ALSO wondering if the gates to this Beckistan could be made watertight to keep out floods, or allow us to fill it with water to drown all the residents at the same time? YOU know, close off the waste water connections, and let the sewers back up?
OOH! OOH! How about a CATAPULT to toss new residents and their possessions in? That way we can watch them panic EVEN MORE as they experience weightlessness, and share via YouTube the splashes they make?
Sir, I am pleased to know of your presence upon our planet.
I only post this as 'Anonymous' due to my inadequate skills in computer-fu.