I get hate mail.
Honestly, I could probably write about nothing but tasty bacon and get hate mail.
Granted, I probably attract it to some degree or another, but that's not really the point now is it?
I don’t know that I get any more hate mail than any other blogger, but if you write about certain subjects you’re pretty much guaranteed to get some pretty nasty responses. And when I say hate mail, I’m including comments on the blog as well. After a while you can predict when and from who.
Write about politics, you get hate mail.
Write about abortion, and you will most certainly get frothy hate mail.
Write about religion, you get weird, poorly spelled and bizarrely punctuated hate mail that verges on outright insanity.
Let something you wrote go viral or get farked, or end up linked in the mainstream media, believe me you will get some intense hate mail – even if you wrote about crispy delicious bacon.
Write about politics, abortion, and religion all in one article as I did the other day, get greenlit on Fark, and then see what happens. You get big dump-truck loads of fresh steaming hate mail – often with the added bonus of death threats.
Now, if you’re thinking about getting into the hate mail gig as a blogger, there are ways to improve on that. See, with the advent of interactive media a certain foamy and obnoxious mindset has developed over the last few years, people who truly feel that their rights are being trampled, that they are actually being persecuted, if they aren’t allowed to spew whatever silly horseshit they want on your blog. Turn on comment moderation and see if you don’t really set those loony bastards right off.
It’s ironic, don’t you think?
Ironic that when you speak about American politics, you get hate mail and death threats from flag waving patriots who call themselves Americans – i.e. citizens of a country that is supposed to be the very epitome of freedom, freedom of worship, freedom of speech, freedom of belief. Some of these folks really seem to think that freedom means freedom to believe only what they do, or freedom to fuck off to sissy Canadaland and be violated by flannel-clad polar bear jockeys.
Ironic that when you talk about abortion, people who claim to love life above all things threaten to take yours. I’ve never quite understood the logic behind taking your gun to a right-to-life protest, but that’s probably because I spend so much time with flannel wearing Canadians.
And ironic, that when you write about religion you get intensely bitter hatred from devout believers who profess to follow a religion supposedly based on peace and love. Why is it that those who embrace a belief system whose very symbol is a simple fish that represents, at least in part, a parable about feeding the poor and hungry get so defensive when you mention their astounding contempt for those self same poor and hungry? Why is it, do you suppose, that a belief system supposedly based on the unconditional acceptance of a loving God puts so many conditions on that acceptance? Why is it that a belief system supposedly based on tolerance is so increasingly intolerant?
Your a liar and a pervert! You’re filth writing enables murder!!! Its no different than if you killed them with your own hand!!! People read you’re kind of “nonsense” and think its ok to kill there babys. Shame! “freedom of choice” a lie told by Satan. Try reading the true Bible again and this time listen to Jesus words, liar there is no “choice” you must accept him or dy for ever. its not the mote in the Churches eye its the beam in your own!! You’re immorale Obama, Father of LiES who orders child murder is destroying this country not the Chruch. You need to open youre heart to Christ now before it is too late! [sic]
A liar and a pervert? Sure, but it’s not my fault, see, I never had the advantages of being homeschooled like you obviously did. Plus, I’m pretty sure Satan was my Calculus teacher.
You’re the one whose position isn’t consistent. You’re the one who keeps contradicting yourself. Liberals are hateful liars who spread lies. True conservatives (example Santorum) are not hypocrites. He is consistent because he believes in God which you obviously do not or you would be dead already and have to face your judgement. [sic]
A little advice: while the phrase “If you believed in God, you’d be DEAD already!” is kind of catchy (especially if it was in neon comic sans over a smiling Buddy Jesus statue) you should probably avoid putting it on the pancake prayer breakfast posters. I'm just saying.
[…] you seem to have flunked basic logic so let me spell it out for you, A woman who wants to murder her baby has already chosen to have sex outside of marriage. Because she is pregnant. Duh. If she was married her husband would not let anybody kill the baby. Get it? So a trans v@ginal ultra sound is NOT “r@pe” You can’t “r@pe” somebody who has already had sex outside of marriage. She has already decided to let anybody into her uterus. Get it? She wanted to have sex instead of waiting for marriage. She did have freedom of choice and that’s the problem. When you don’t chose God, you make bad choices. Get it now? [sic]
I may be no expert on how to pick up women but trust me on this, you're not going to "get it" either with an attitude like that.
Why do you liberals always say “uterus?” do you think that makes you sound smart? Or does political correctness make murder easier?
Oh, it’s definitely the second thing. In fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret, if you chant “Uterus! Uterus! Uterus!” Satan appears with a pair of noise-cancelling headphones so that you don’t have to listen to the little screams while you’re ripping babies from the womb and running them though the Bass-O-matic. Afterward, you get to keep the headphones. They’re great for airplanes, GOP debates, and satanic rituals while you’re enjoying a nice human eggnog smoothy. True story.
…this [molestation and child abuse] is YOUR fault!!!! People like YOU kicked GOD out of government. You kicked GOD out of school and the public square. You drove GOD away and now we have to pay for it. If you idiots would ask God back into America our once great country wouldn’t be going down the toilet. 2012. The world will end soon and then you will be SORRY. My adise? Prey. [sic]
Prey? uh, okay, but I don't see how hunting is going to get Jesus in the classroom. Unless … are there flannel clad Canadians involved?
You said it boggles your little atheist monkey brain? Well it boggles my mind that that people like you cant see what God is putting right in front of you, the country is falling apart, we have a president who hates America and isn’t even an American citizen. And no its not because he is black. It’s exactly like God predicted. The economy is worse then the great Depression, people out of work and they kill their own children! What’s wrong with you? Why do you hate God so much? Do you think that killing unborn babies will make the economy better? I think too much war messed up your monkey brain. [sic]
I have a couple of funny stories about war and monkey brains, but since this is a family blog I probably better not say anything.
Why do you want to put something up a man’s butt? Think about it. You need to accept Jesus because you are very sick. I am not joking.
Well, I was hoping if we stuck a probe up you ass we might find your head, but we'll have to move the Bishop out of the way first.
[in the post that sparked all of this, I suggested that men who believe women should be forced to have an ultrasound probe forcibly inserted into their vaginas in order to have an abortion should have to have a similar probe inserted rectally in order to buy Viagra. The phrase I used was “A man should have to look his prostate in the eye.” This did not go over very well with a certain group of folks]
Abuse does NOT happen in the church (not cathalic) or the private schools, except for some stuff you see in the MSM and that’s mostly lies by liberals who want to teach EVILution LIES in the public schools so they are trying to get the church’s and private school closed. Jesus teaches that those who point fingers are guilty of lies themselves. So you point your finger at churchs. What are YOU hiding……Hmmmmm? [sic]
Well, you know me, I'd be the last one to argue with Jesus. We'd better start locking up all the cops and prosecutors and all the other finger pointers. And the politicians. And the ... Hey! Are you pointing you finger at me? You are, aren't you? Ohhhh, get in the sack, get in it right now.
You know, this kind of stuff doesn’t bother me all that much.
You get a couple hundred letters and comments of this kind and taken out context it can seem like the world is full of crazed flesh eating locusts. It can be downright depressing, and a number of you have written to express exactly that sentiment. But you’ve got to look at it in perspective, there are eight billion people on the planet (I’m rounding off here, it’s not an exact number), and several hundred million Americans. These nuts are a tiny minority. They’re a vocal minority sure, but a minority none the less. Most of the world is not insane.
Hell, look at the GOP primaries. Despite all the noise, despite all of the crazy, the moderate is the clear front runner. Just as a moderate was last time around too – even if he did pick a raving loon as his running mate.
When you leave the porch light on and you step out into a cloud of crazy suicidal moths, it can seem like the whole night is filled with light maddened bugs, but it’s only a trick of perception.
Some of it, like a few of the excerpts above, I find amusing rather than offense. Honestly, how can you not laugh at these people? Sure it’s like picking on the class spaz, but damnit sometimes you just can’t help yourself.
Some I think verge on mental illness, a mental illness we are far too accepting of in this country, and certainly there is little amusing in that.
But most of it is just sad, sad that people actually look at the world in this manner, sad that they go through life as dim little sparks hating the world and hating everybody in it, sad that they actually think that there's some kind of everlasting happiness to be had by acting like stupid rotten bastards, sad that they are so worried about some mythical next life that they never enjoy this one right here.
So, no, most of the hate mail and trollish comments do not particularly bother me, not even when they threaten my life. Not even when they cause me extra work or cause me to moderate the blog.
But there is a certain form of response that I do find offensive, just downright obnoxious in the extreme, an example of which was posted by an anonymous commenter on last week’s Insane Clown Posse Drinking Game post:
Jim, you have thoughts that I generally agree with, and you seem to be a talented woodworker. However, your verbal abuse of my Lord and Savior really turns me off. I was once like you in that regard, and am still a woodworker. Perhaps He whom you seem to hold in such low regard can design an event that will help you to see your error. He did for me. Best regards.
Now, the anonymous commenter can whore that up all he or she likes, they can tack a “best regards” on the end, but no matter how politely they word it, it’s an obnoxious bit of douchebaggery. What this comment actually says is this:
I’m a lying sack of shit. See, I said I mostly agree with you and implied that I like what you write, but that’s really not true at all. What I really mean is that I admire your writing style, your talent, but I don’t like what you write. What I really want is for you to write what I want to say but lack the talent and ability to do myself. All that time you took to develop your skill with words? I don't want to have to do that, I just want to take yours. It’s sort of like saying well you know, I like that Tiger Woods, but I sure wish he’d quit that Jesus hatin’ golf and switch over to basketball because I don’t like golf but I sure like basketball.
I used to be normal. Eventually something happened that turned me into a holier than thou religious nut. So like those folks who quit drinking or quit smoking or quit screwing around, I now think everybody else must suddenly give up whatever they are doing and become a religious nut too. I’m sort of bummed that God doesn’t do what I want and just wave his big magic God Stick and make you just like me. I wonder why he doesn’t? I find that very frustrating. Now, since I am unlikely to convince you to amend your evil ways, what I hope happens is that Jesus just jams a fucking icepick into your eye and gives you a lobotomy. Yes, that’s correct. All the things that make you you? The way you see the world? The things you fought for and the things you believe in? Right on down to the way you talk and the way you write? Fifty years of your personal experience, your life, your viewpoint? You sense of humor? All the things you’ve seen, the events that shaped your life? The people who love you just the way you are? Yeah, to hell with that. I’m closing my eyes and squeezing my fists together and asking God to just erase all of that, erase you, and make you into a magic meat puppet who only parrots things that I won’t find offense or contrary to my beliefs because obviously I am more important than you are and you should have to be just like me.
Oh and have a nice day.
The friendly tone of the comment doesn’t make it better or less offensive, it makes it worse. It’s like finding a sugar coated pickled egg on your plate. Like lilac scented room deodorizer over the smell of rotting meat and halitosis. Like a pink Hello-Kitty paint job on a pair of brass knuckles.
Like a pedophile disguised as a priest.
It’s downright obnoxious is what it is. What kind of person, what kind of American, what kind of Christian, wishes a God Lobotomy on others? What kind of person would wish that my mind be forcibly altered to fit their idea of who I should be? The unmitigated gall, the astounding arrogance, the unbounded self-righteous pride.
What kind of world would it be if people like Anonymous actually had their selfish wishes answered? If their God actually exists, maybe that’s why he doesn’t answer their prayers. Funny thing, Jesus, son of God, all knowing, all powerful, he supposedly walked this earth and had the ability to just zap people into whatever meatloaf he wanted.
So why didn’t he?
But, hey, what the hell do I know, right?
The really ironic part?
The really ironic part is that I will no doubt get hate mail for this post.
"Well, I was hoping if we stuck a probe up you ass we might find your head, but we'll have to move the Bishop out of the way first."ReplyDelete
Sigh. You may be young (I think I'm about a month older) and we're married to other people, but shit boy howdy, I love you.
Me, too. That line was perfect.Delete
Stand in line, Kerry and Maria! WE saw him first! LOL (Oh, well his Mrs. isn't going to be happy with that comment... but you know what I meant, Jim!)Delete
His fan base is going to grow with that one!Delete
Hey, no throwing of panties onto the stage.Delete
How about boulder holders? Surely those are allowed!Delete
Though you modestly stated, "I may be no expert on how to pick up women," you seem to be doing a pretty good job here (I myself am saving myself for when Steve Colbert leaves his wife, though I don't think your wife was worried in any case). I do plead that you stop sharing your tricks (ie, recognizing members of our gender as fully entitled citizens.... you're so groovy when you do that) with the Rebublicans. I'm banking on them remaining forgetful WE ARE THE 50.8% in November.Delete
The idea that Romney is a moderate makes me incredibly sad. Incredibly.ReplyDelete
Oh, but that's just THIS week. Wait a bit and he'll be whatever you want him to be.Delete
By the way, what's wrong with sugar-coated pickled eggs? I resemble that remark!
Yeah. What mara said. Oye.Delete
He was a moderate. Then he decided to try to get the Republican nomination. Now I'm not sure even he knows what he believes in. That said, he's still more moderate than the rest.Delete
Yeah, but the belly laughs keep you young. : )ReplyDelete
Keep laughing. Keep writing.
"Revere" America 'til it awakens and lights the lamp of freedom:
The Future is Coming! The Future is Coming!
:: quietly takes off his flannel shirt:: Hey, them polar bears aren't easy to jockey about y'know! They ALWAYS want to fight with the Moose to see who gets to go down the waterslide first.ReplyDelete
I really wish the comments you got were some kind of joke, Jim, and I'm truly saddened to think there are that many people with such small worlds they choose to live in.
As a Christian, I am disappointed daily by some of the stuff I'm reading. But then, that ability to read, reason and... wait for it... care, makes me and most of Canada elitist snobs, eh? ::sighs::
And as for those sissy polar bear jockeys... they're really kinda hot, especially when they put the harnesses on the bears and ride them through downtown Toronto during the Pride parade. ;-)
Write on Wright!
My Mum got hate mail from Jesus 60 years ago. She was the protestant half of a protestant/catholic marriage and the priest arrived in all his godliness to tell her that her children were illegitimate because the marriage was in a protestant church.ReplyDelete
She didn't have your turn of phrase, but she held her own by pushing him out the door with her straw broom - how my Dad used to love to share that story.
I've heard that a Catholic marriage can be annulled, even if the couple has already had children together. If so, does that make the kids illegitimate?Delete
Thanks for taking the heat for those of us who don't write blogs, but feel the same way you do. Thanks for sharing the most memorable/psycho/jaw-dropping ones. It felt good to laugh at the end of a long day. I wondered what was being filtered, and got some laughs last night reading some of the conversations, but there was nothing nearly as exciting as what you shared here. Thanks for putting my thoughts on paper for me.ReplyDelete
Jim, I believe it was Simone Weil who wrote about, if there was an all-knowing God who created us all in His image including those of us who question or fully disbelieve, then that must be the way He wanted us to be. So who are the believers to judge His wisdom.ReplyDelete
Your writing is sparklingly divine and truthful. And as they say; "...truth hurts..."
I always wonder as I am finished reading articles then quickly scan through the comments-Why do the nuttiest, vitriolic and just plain stupid ones that reference (the Godless network!)as MSM? If they are going to spend so much time hating something, you would think they would attempt to get the name right.ReplyDelete
I think that mostly started with Palin. When she coined the phrase "lamestream" media, I started seeing the first common usage of "MSM."Delete
Well, to be fair, the leftistan blogosphere (Daily Kos, e.g.) has been using "MSM" for quite a long time to refer to the corporately controlled media outlets that, as they see it, always slant right instead of telling a fair story. Heck, they've even debated whether "mainstream" gives the MSM too much credibility (?!?) (yeh, me too). So while Our Sarah did give the phrase a boost among her slack-jawed adherents, it definitely predates her.Delete
Oh, and to be fair to all wordsmiths, I have to believe that "lamestream" was initially thought up by someone else than Palin, someone with an at least semi-coherent grasp of the English language and its multifarious punning proclivities, and patiently taught to Ms. Word Salad. Then that hound was released.Delete
I have always admire your writing style, talent, and insight. If I possessed your writing skills I would definitely have my own blog. Keep up the great work.ReplyDelete
All the Hello Kitty Means of Mass Destruction you guys might like!Delete
And more Hello Kitty Knives,Delete
And the piece de resistance, Hello Kitty Bow knuckle Duster,Delete
Now, I would love to have a set of Hello Kitty brass knuckles! Do they exist? Also, are there Hello Kitty switchblades, butterflies, and throwing blades?ReplyDelete
I digress. Forgive me, you provided me a mental picture of squee amidst a bunch of evil that should not be.
Though, after reading some of that bile, I think I might need some eye-bleach.
Don't know about brass knuckles, but my daughter painted hello kitty on a brand new gas grill I received as a Father's Day gift in 2010. I love her, and I love my grill.Delete
Not sure about all that, but you CAN get a Hello Kitty rifle. Not kidding. Anyone who carries that rifle is a badass in my book.Delete
You can always cover your selected item in Hello Kitty Duck Tape.Delete
Ooooh! I think I might want to get a Hello Kitty Rifle. However, I can guarantee that my sweeties would take it away from me almost immediately, which would make me a sad panda.Delete
As a flannel wearing polar bear jockey living well south of the Arctic Circle, I gotta tell you reading this made me laugh harder than anything I've seen in months. Cheers for that, it was needed.ReplyDelete
Thanks for calling out the 'sugar coated pickles'. I've had my own experience with that brand, but I just got pissed off. How much better is your eloquent dissection/extrapolation of what they really meant. In the future, I'll just think 'sugar coated pickles' and I'll smile.ReplyDelete
There's no denying you've got a terrific talent! And you make me laugh...and think...and occasionally piss me off...which makes me think...a great bargain and a gift to be able to read your words.
Thank you for sharing.
Jim, man. Where can I get on the logic course referred to by your correspondent? It looks like a refreshing new approach to an old subject.ReplyDelete
Seriously, the nut-jobs have managed to dominate all the news of US politics we get on this side of the Atlantic. Your blog is one of the things that reassures me that sane, humane, witty people are alive and well in the USA. Keep up the good work!
That is great, The best Blog I've read. But; then, after all, I'm just one of them Heathens!ReplyDelete
“If I believed in God, I’d be DEAD already!”
I actually just got into an argument with an old friend on Facebook about my policy of censoring wackaloon, reactionary, verbally-abusive psychotics from my comment threads. He argued that you should just let these people shriek and froth unfettered, as the flaws in their arguments and hatred of their speech would invalidate what they were saying. I pointed out that when you're trying to discuss grown-up matters like reasonable adults, there's nothing more disruptive than a shrieking bratty child that wants to turn the topic into his made-up playtime action fantasy about Ninja Turtles. It's fine if he wants to make up stories about his action figures, but you'd rather he keep them among his playmates in the other room so the adults can discuss important matters.ReplyDelete
Strangely enough, I don't have a blog (not one that anyone really reads, anyway), but I still get hate mail; one charming Alex Jones conspiracy doomsayer accused me of being an Agent of the NWO, a treasonous sucker of Barack Obama's evil cock, and a direct culprit of the collapse of the United States economy and the enslavement of the world (I know, I didn't know I had that kind of power either; I'm just as surprised as you are).
My crime? Daring to suggest that Ron Paul's anti-Federal Government stance was like taking a crowbar and sledgehammer to your car engine because a couple parts have broken down.
I stole a line from comedian Jamie Kilstein and responded, "Are you flirting with me?"
Haven't heard back from him since. Which I pretty much consider a win.
"treasonous sucker of Barack Obama's evil cock" LOL! That's a good one, in a frothy, ad hominem sort of way. Personally, I was under the impression that when cocks are, umm, engaged, they're pretty much all evil. President Obama should certainly resist such adorations. If you're a Republican, such an act garners one wife #3; if you're a Democrat, it wins you an impeachment trial.Delete
Shades of Grey,Delete
I mostly wanted to give you a thumbs up and support your right (as well as Jim's same right) to keep the raving loons the hell OUT of your discussion forums! You're correct... it IS counter-productive to the entire discussion and a tremendous disservice to other participants. I've been involved in many discussions where it became impossible to focus on the topic at hand while swatting trolls like flies with every other post! It's like hosting a party in your home and being told that you have no control over the behavior of the attendees while under your roof. The hell you DON'T! I'm a firm believer that I have no legal or moral obligation to provide unfettered freedom of speech in my own space where WE make the house rules. Anyone gets nasty with my invited guests and they WILL be tossed unceremoniously out the door... by the seats of the pants, if necessary. (My great-grandfather actually threw Enrico Caruso out of the family home when he became drunk and unruly at a musical gathering... but I digress.)
You're absolutely right about Ron Paul too, by the way! Beautiful way to explain it!
My favourite for shutting down trolls is just to add "We are Legion" at the end of any reply. They are absolutely terrified of Anonymous!Delete
"Have to move the bishop" has left me with a grin wide enough to make getting to sleep difficult.ReplyDelete
At the great orange Satan, a hate mail dump is a regular Saturday feature, complete with an annual community selected "winner".
Anyhow, keep up the good work.
There are too many parts of rants like this that make me laugh so hard I start to cough convulsively and reach for the water to reverse the muscular action, in order not to lose the contents of my stomach.ReplyDelete
I, too, wonder why those who are supposed to be following a Deity who preached love, are so full of hate that they like to spread on others who don't think the way they do.
I often wonder why Uterus Man believes you alone are responsible for molestation and child abuse by others who've never even heard of you. All through history, all your fault, eh? What amazing powers you must have! And you managed to drive an allegedly Omnipotent God away--however do you do it?
The use of uterine ultrasound probes in the hands of (I'm assuming male) physicians who aren't going to get any attention from the authorities if they're a little rough, or em, repetitive, whether or not I've been raped, gives me the heebie-jeebies. I have a friend who was essentially raped by medical equipment by a gynecologist in her teens. A few years ago, when she had to go under for a biopsy on her cervix, it took her at least half an hour before she could allow the IV lock to be inserted. She struggled each second, trying to overcome her fears of violation by medical devices, in spite of the fact that the nurse was understanding and patient, and her husband and I were both holding her in support.
I realized today that anyone buying condoms wasn't going to have Community Wrath ring down on them, and as you mentioned, the further inequity WRT the use and insurance okay for Viagra and the like vs what women have had to do in order to get affordable reproductive health care is further evidence of a war against women. I know there was a legislator who tried to make a point by suggesting some sort of invasive procedures in order to get Viagra/etc., but everyone seems to overlook condom purchase. Sure, the woman who has contact with a man's penis without one can be screwed over (with no fun) if he's carrying a disease, because any birth control you're likely to be using won't help a bit. Somehow, I don't think sales of the "female condom" are that strong.
BTW, I too am an education snob, just as Santorum (with one more post-grad degree to his name that the President has) calls Obama.
I'm just a godless man-hating woman of dubious morals who wants to bring the country down into the gutters, to some of the writers of hate mail to you, in spite of the fact that I'm married, don't sleep around, and have a son who I'm trying to shape into a voting and otherwise politically active, critically-thinking citizen. I'm trying to leave the world better off for my time in it, and I hope he will do the same.
Keep up the "rants"--I love the way you think, and wish I had the command of biting sarcasm that you do.
I have to go now, to make sure I have enough flannel for my Canadian visitors.
Crud, forgot to mention that rather than being a godless etc woman, I actually have several Arcchetype Deities I converse with on a regular basis, in and out of ritual. Rather than being god-less, I am Gods-and-Goddesses-more.ReplyDelete
You didn't say it three times. No headphones for you!!! :DDelete
I think that I can answer this question for you - "What kind of Christian, wishes a God Lobotomy on others?" All of them!ReplyDelete
No, really we don't. I wonder what these whackjobs are reading since the Jesus in whose name they are vomiting hatred clearly said, "Don't judge unless you want to be judged." Trouble is I think some of these nuts think THEY are sinless and prefect and hence should judge others. sigh.Delete
Anyway, Jim, thanks for the positive outlook. It helps while the monkeys are flinging poo everywhere.
Go Jim go! More brilliance!ReplyDelete
I find it hilarious that these clowns read blogs they hate so much. They read what they know in advance they are going to disagree with and hate, get themselves all worked up and then spend the energy to write crazy hate filled comments. WTF? That is in itself insanity. As if they are going to change the minds of the blogger and his followers.
I for instance don't read C4P for the very reasons I just mentioned. Dropping in there would be the equivalent of letting myself into an insane asylum, commenting a waste of time, because the readers and commenters there are of a certain mindset and are not open to my beliefs or any real discussion about anything.
I have had mixed emotions over moderation on other blogs, hate mail is often good for a laugh, but it also litters up the comment thread with useless trash, so I am mostly for it. When it comes right down to it, this is your party and as far as I'm concerned you have the right to show anyone you like out the door.
Keep up the good work. I'm hooked.
Any scientists in the room? I'd like to clone this guy.
Jim,you [redacted adjective][redacted noun].ReplyDelete
You are entitled to your [redacted adjective] views, but they are [redacted adverb] wrong, you [redacted adjective][redacted noun]. And too many other people think your way, you [redacted adjective][redacted noun]. You are all [redacted adverb][redacted adjective]. You're just the same as [redacted proper name]. It's no wonder this country is [redacted adverb][redacted adjective]. I hope you all [redacted verb].
The difference between myself and all my Christian friends is pretty simple. They want to recruit new members into their stupid little club, and I am proud to be an individual with the ability to think for myself. I hope that there are enough of us out there, though to prevent this country from becoming "Of the (fundie) people, by the (insanely religious) people and for the (xenophobe) people. We cannot be a Christian nation and a free nation at the same time.ReplyDelete
Your blog post was absolute brilliance from start to finish. I am regularly astounded by the number of people who are rabidly convinced that is we just "bring Jesus back into our lives" everything would be perfect. Delusions of that magnitude are truly a wonder of nature, and they would be amusing to observe if they weren't so destructive.ReplyDelete
Keep up the great work.
Please promise me that should I ever make it to your part of the woods, or you to mine, you will allow me to buy you a beer. I'm a beer snob too so we are talking good stuff here, not fizzy yellow water.ReplyDelete
Similarly, if any of your readers are heading to the Reason Rally in a few weeks, I'd love to hear and maybe meet. I have a large group meeting down there already, dinner and such plans, but Things can be Arranged.
Hey! Wait a minute...
Ya know - I have been fishing for EXACTLY that reaction for years :-) Aside from the initials being accurate, the sig is most definitely intentional.Delete
Thanks for noticing :-)
JC, your mother must be so proud.Delete
Absurdly (and embarrassingly) so - but not about this.Delete
She also hides out in Texass - which helps.
Jim, I appreciate your thoughts, and generally like how you write. But of course you're going to get hate mail from this post. Why cannot you accept the Hello Kitty-painted brass knuckles for what they truly are? See, they're printed with translations for frequently-used Biblical terms (E.G.: Thee == You). It's not just a bludgeoning device; it's a magical decoder ring for all five fingers! Embrace it for the soothing pink cranial-pounding gift of love peace & goodwill that it truly is.ReplyDelete
But, what am I thinking? You will probably just melt it down into poker chips for your Sunday night Texas hold-em game with Satan, right? :D
"Like a pink Hello-Kitty paint job on a pair of brass knuckles"ReplyDelete
LOL! Jim, You Rock!
I grew up a non-believer in a very conservative christian area.
I always got the smile and puzzled look when I said I was not a christian. I could tell they wanted to bury me up to my neck and stone me to death, in the name of Jesus and love and bullshit like that.
Even while I was chortling at your responses to these frothing at the mouth rabid letters, I could not help but be sad at the same time. Given that the writers of hate (in Jesus' name) are so stupid as to deny all logic, ignore their own hypocrisy, and write like they flunked second grade three times, then they will quite likely not recognize the biting sarcasm in your remarks, never mind that it is aimed at them. What really depresses me is that these are most likely also motivated TP/GOP voters, the fanatical cream of the crop (not cream, really, but at least floaters) who can use a computer and bother to write.ReplyDelete
"Given that the writers of hate (in Jesus' name) are so stupid as to deny all logic, ignore their own hypocrisy, and write like they flunked second grade three times," and the fact they seem incapable of using a spell-checker!Delete
I hate the sugar-coated stuff, too. "I'll pray for you" generally means "I'll pray for you to realize that I'm right and you're wrong." Or possibly, "I'll pray for God to make you suffer and die, and then you'll be sorry!"ReplyDelete
Please please please let your middle name start with an H, JC.ReplyDelete
Missed that by just a little bit - "K" unfortunately. My grandfather was JHC though... no doubt, unappreciated.Delete
Another amusing thing about my name - the only valid anagram for my last name appears to be "a shitcan"
A Cash Nit
A Cash Tin
Chant As I
Cat Has In
Just sayin', JC...
(complete list found at http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=a+shitcan&t=1000&a=n)
Well... THOSE are no fun.Delete
You're not censoring, you are valiantly protecting our ears from the violent, chanting nonsense coming from people that should be in asylums (thanks Ronnie), Yes, there are good, decent religious people, but when you put the teachings of an intangible reality into the heads of those with no reality (and give them a computer)... kaboom.ReplyDelete
Thanks for 'condensing' the comments for us. : )
whoops- forgot some " " 's around intangible "reality", (which might tell you what my beliefs are). Don't eat me Jesus Trolls.Delete
Whether Mahatma Gandhi really said it is disputed, but it's a great bumper sticker: "I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."ReplyDelete
Bunnies, rainbows, puppies, Hello Kitties and flannel-wearing polar bear jockeys (or is that flannel polar bear Jockeys?) to you, Jim.
Keep the fresh air coming, I need all the chortling I can get.
Christine - a grateful heathen reader in Jackson Hole
It is also reputed that, when asked what he thought of Western civilization, he replied that he thought it would be a good idea.Delete
I suddenly have a craving for pickled eggs...ReplyDelete
12 hard boiled eggs, shelled - set asideDelete
2 cups white vinegar
1 tsp mixed pickling spice
1 medium lemon peeled and sliced
2 tbl spoons sugar
1 tsp salt
Mix all but eggs together and simmer 8 minutes.
Place eggs in wide mouth jar and strain the liquid in.
Refrigerate several hours before serving, will keep in the solution for several days.
You are wonderful! Thanks for that. I get into arguments on fb with old friends and even teachers, whom I once respected, about these things. It boggles my mind that people actually believe Obama is a terrorist, etc. Wake up!! I just get so mad. You have such patience for idiots.ReplyDelete
There is a guy in the Valley here who parks his truck on the shoulder of the road at the intersection of the Palmer Wasilla and the Glenn Highways. (I will call him Cecil not his real name) His little truck is plastered with posters and he has a great big banner with a picture of President Obama sporting a Hitler mustache and "Impeach Obama" in great big bold type. Most local people know who I am talking about and the guy has quite the notorious reputation for his antics. This guy is a somewhat typical looking Alaska Bush resident, though in a more "civilized" area he would be considered unkempt to say the least. His grizzled appearance helps to get the message to people that "I am unhinged" while he rants incoherently at passing cars and people. Every time I read comments like the ones you so eloquently describe, I picture "Cecil" sitting in a dingy little room filled in every corner with stacks of "Larouche" type magazines and posters and handbills, typing away two finger style and screaming at the top of his lungs while spittle drips all over the computer screen.ReplyDelete
I like to needle "Cecil" a little and started using a line (admitting stole it from a youtube video)on him when I drive by him.I holler out "YOU ANTE GOT NO PANCAKE MIX" at him as I drive by. I have got quite a few friends doing it now and the teens love it. The funny thing is how angry poor "Cecil" gets. Now I can not see where telling someone that they don't have any pancake mix would be so offensive but boy-yo does "Cecil" get riled up. He rants and raves and screams out. And I have to wonder "Why does "Cecil"hate pancakes.
I’ll say his name, you’re talking about my pal Sydney Hill. I’m pretty sure Sydney eats his own feces and washes it down with Sterno up there in his little shack behind Lazy Mountain. As you might imagine, I’m one of his favorite targets, he verbally assaulted me one day when I stopped to get a propane tank filled at the gas station on that corner. He’s lucky I didn’t separate his skeleton into its component parts. Cops were called and he was banned (again) from the gas station. Now he starts screaming the minute he sees my truck coming. Of course, I get that light red every single goddamned time. I enjoy watching his rage filled antics whenever I give him the finger.Delete
What boggles my mind are the folks who actually think that Ole crazy-juice drinking Syd should be allowed to carry a gun at the Alaska State Fair. How far ‘round the bend do you have to be to think that isn’t going to end in some kind of Ruby Ridge style disaster?
Bwaaahaaa! OMG! Breathe, breathe, BWwwaaahaa! I know exactly!!Delete
I've always dreamed of taunting him with something but (that evil light!) I usually just try not to make eye contact. If my kid is with me, "honey, don't look at the crazy guy and point, it's not nice." !
...Maybe next time when I'm by myself - "got no pancake mix!" or maybe I should ask if he's found some molasses?
snort,, giggle, wiping tea off my screen. giggle.....
My husband came up with the saying, "NO BONSAI FOR YOU!!"Delete
which for some reason we found hysterically funny. Next time I drive by the Sydster I'll yell that.
Immediately I had the memory association of the Soup Man episode on Seinfeld. No soup for you!!Delete
I love that "No soup for you". I drove by one day last week and his truck was stuck in the snowbank on the shoulder, he was digging it out with a shovel. I think it is the first time as an Alaskan I have ever driven by someone stuck. I smiled all the way home, and suffered no guilt.Delete
OH ya and.. "Eats his own feces and washes it down with Sterno"Delete
My new favorite line ever.
"A Sterno drunk is a mean drunk" Louise Dickensen Rich We Took to The Woods.Delete
“There are no forbidden questions in science, no matters too sensitive or delicate to be probed, no sacred truths.”ReplyDelete
― Carl Sagan
Carl Sagan understood that it was, and still is, necessary for people to question science and all the knowledge garnered through the generations. Scientists when confronted with information which disproves their life’s work must abandon that which is near and dear to their hearts and embrace the new evidence even if it contradictory to their beliefs. At the end of the day if it can’t be questioned, experimented upon, verified by outside sources then it has to be abandoned.
Superstitions like religion cannot be questioned, experimented upon, nor verified by anyone. People who continue to believe contradictory, bizarre, unbelievable doctrine from documents originally written in the Iron Age then arbitrarily put together into book form a couple thousand years ago, then modified for personal gain over the millennium, must find it a lot easier to close eyes and ears to the reality around themselves.
Continuing to brainwash their children, keeping them uneducated, uniformed and scared will ensure that they will not question the idiocies of the “teachings” of faith. That is why you get such hate filled, obviously uneducated responses to your well thought out opinions.
And of course most of those responding negatively are more than likely suffering from a lack of flannel in their wardrobes causing a severe form of fashionitis. As well they must be missing the tender ministrations of wild polar bear sex. Even one night with a polar bear will turn even the worst fundy into a normal, clear thinking, human being.
First time poster, long time reader here. I realize you probably hear this a lot, but I find myself reading your archives thinking "exactly!"ReplyDelete
I shared a post of yours (the one about your observations of the Republican party's shift to the crazy end of the right over the years) with some of my conservative family members and not a one of them took the time to write anything in reply. Well... You know what they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Even if that water happens to be well written, cogent, and contain a nice little spice of humor...
Anyway, thanks for doing what you do.
What is it with these people? Why do they hate methylsulfonylmethane so much? And please, leave Hello Kitty out of it. My husband loves the Hello Kitty grill we gave him for Father's Day. The guy at Home Depot had a hard time helping us find heat resistant Hello Kitty Pink, though...ReplyDelete
Count yourself lucky, Jim. At least these people are thinking about you, because no one is thinking of them. Maybe that's what pisses them off more than anything. Consider their froth to be the flowers of their devotion. They are expending a great deal of energy on your behalf. If we could hook these folks up to a power grid, we could take those few nutjobs and power the country. Yeah! That's it! What a grand new energy source you have discovered! All those "Drill, baby, drill" shrills should be all for it.
For all those who believe you have your lips locked firmly around Satan's Tasty Dangly Bit, here's a question: Why in hell do they want to save your immortal soul and spend eternity listening to hymns to gadalmighty with you when they can't stand being in the same room, much less the same country?
If your detractors are examples of what is waiting for me in the afterlife, I would prefer their hell. But, since I don't believe in that, I'm good! A friend of mine told me that Purgatory is where you go when you die. You get upended in a barrel of all the alcohol you ever spilled. If you drown in it, you go to hell where there's no alcohol at all, zip, nuthin' nada, and you have to listen to insurance salesmen for eternity. If, on the other hand, you can drink everything in said barrel, you go to heaven where the streets are paved in gold and are lined with bars to infinity, and God and sonny boy, Jesus Haploid do standup comedy every night. His favorite joke is the one about the talking snake.
Thanks for the grill, dearest.Delete
Now, that's true love!Delete
desultory, I read that last comment in the voice of the Impressive Clergyman from the Princess Bride, "Wove, twue wove..."Delete
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Contrary to his expectations it is wonderful, he is shown around by Satan, who points him to the well stocked bar, the places where he can indulge his sexual preferences, where the drugs are at! Anyhow he has been there several weeks having a high old time, and he notices a small door hidden in the corner of the bar. He sees various demons coming and going. Hearing faint screams every time the door opens and closes. He wanders up to the door and looks through and there laid out before him is HELL, The Dantean Hell all the circles and torments described in The Inferno! Satan appears at his shoulder and quietly closes the door, and says "Take no notice, that is for the fundamentalists, they expect that kind of thing!"Delete
Jim, Hubby hates the Princess Bride. But I tend to that sort of humor. That's High Art, that is! Hence, the Hello Kitty grill...And if he didn't like it I threatened to call the Brute Squad.Delete
Yay, Jim! If I were your neighbor, I'd be at your doorstep daily, bearing crispy, delicious bacon for you and treats for the pets.ReplyDelete
I suddenly have a craving for a frothy human eggnog smoothy. Hmmm, smoothies. Don't get too close to the bonfire, it's hot.ReplyDelete
Honestly, you are often the highlight of my week, which says what exactly? That I'm so glad that someone is saying all the things that keep me out of the bible belt, and in a more than reasonably educated manner to boot! Thank you!ReplyDelete
It just makes me incredibly sad that these hate-mongering individuals masquerade as Christians. It makes me even more sad that non-Christians look at those people as representative of all Christians. Jesus himself would have repudiated them just as he did all people of his time who practiced hate and persecution. It took me forty-seven years of religious questioning to become comfortable with my faith in God. If I had encountered only the rabid hate-filled, believe-as-I-do Jesus freaks I'd still be wandering in the wilderness.ReplyDelete
Keep on keeping on Jim. You're a voice of reason in this insane world. (Even if you don't believe as I do, I respect your right to non-belief.)
Dear Jane: " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " "Delete
Some people get to have all the fun. I really need some of those commenters to come over to my blog. We'd have a real good time... well, I would, anyway.ReplyDelete
This comment has been removed by the author.Delete
Jim, love the blog, love this reaction and admire your humour. Keep it up. Hate to think what it would be like to not read your articles and this one with examples of society outcast's responses was WONDERFUL. Ain't our country great? We accept all kinds here.ReplyDelete
David writing from Africa
My first 'I cried' choice. Some of the phrases there made me snort my coffee and cough it all over my computer screen.ReplyDelete
Highly entertaining and moderately painful: thus, the tears.
Jim, thank you for being the lemon juice in these morons' papercuts.
She has already decided to let anybody into her uterus.ReplyDelete
That's right, Jesusophile. ANYBODY. ANY DAMN BODY is allowed in my uterus, with no litmus test required, and no consent.
For some reason, I can't decide if this is uproariously funny or sociopathic as Hell. Probably both, I expect.
In all fairness, she did try to get the Occupiers out because the drum circle kept violating a noise ordinance, but then the ACLU stepped in and got an injunction from a Federal District Court judge on First Amendment grounds.Delete
Everything was ok until the occupiers started getting rowdy, then the cops were forced to use pepper spray. Chaos and testicle punting ensued. The governor says he might have to call in the national guard's special operations unit, they're equipped for intervaginal penetration.Delete
It's not the noise or the drum circle, but the bonfire in my fallopian tubes that I object to.Delete
Sure, you say that the noise doesn't bother you but wait 'till the soccer hooligans show up with their vuvuzelas.Delete
Now there's a word that I had completely forgotten about until just this very moment. Thanks SO much.Delete
Vuvuzelas in my my Uvula! Oh, wait, wrong organ...Delete
Janiece, I'm shocked absolutely shocked! Ok, not really.Delete
I am inordinately proud of what I started, there.Delete
As you should be, Eric! Let us all raise our vuvuzelas high and BLOW!Delete
This whole thing reminded me of another blog I ran across a couple years ago by Hanlon:ReplyDelete
(Hanlon's Razor is his own quote, but the sentiment has been recognized in speeches and writings since the 1800s.)
To take a page from "The Onion", I kind of liked when there were only 7 billion people in the world, it was more neighborly.ReplyDelete
I can't imagine the energy it must take to attempt to enter the brains of these specimens of humanity. The scripts were loaded into their heads when (hmmm...it must have been Jesus). You make me say those things!!! Thank you for the humor - some of us have evolved to understand and enjoy.
But, please stop offending those 'cathalics'!
Hey, sorry about the hate mail! I didn't send any and agre with everything you just said about the crazies who did!ReplyDelete
On a related note, since I love how you write and what you write, I wondered what you think about my current plight? I am gay, been with my "partner" for 27 years and live in Maryland. Now you will hear on the news that Maryland now has same sex marraige, but that is a lie! The legislature voted and passed a bill to allow me righst I should already have. And the Govenor will sign it and supports it! BUT...it does not take effect untill Jan. 2013 IF it does not get put on the ballot as a referendum (which it will). So, I just wondered what you think about the majority voting on the rights of the minority? Since the news says I now have the right to legaly marry in my state but I realy cannot and will never be allowed to, it seems cruel to be teased with it!
I believe the Maryland marriage bill goes into effect after any referenda and court challenges have finished, which amendments were put in to appease the rabid right wingers in my part of the state. (That's deplorably late, but not never.) I feel like a dot of blue in a sea of red, but I, my wife, and my friends will all be voting against having any referendum on civil rights (how insulting, right?), and with you. My marriage is not threatened by yours, and I hope you get the choice of having one soon. (Hey, no pressure.)
If you are active politically, have you considered trying to bring the business community in on our side? Tell the local businesses to imagine how many more customers they will get with a local boom in marriages. (Hotels, florists, catering, clothing, the list goes on.) Some undecided business people on the fence might come over, and watch the real bigots faces as they have to decide between their bigotry or their greed. (Yeah, real "Christian" of them.) You don't *have* to mention that your business would go to sane people, just take notes.
I want to thank you for blowing my mind with this phrase "majority voting on the rights of the minority."Delete
Tristan, you've been a reader for a long time so I assume you know what my position is, I don't believe in "gay" rights, I believe in human rights. Calling it gay rights, or minority rights, or women's rights indicates that equality for that group, whatever and who ever they may be, is somehow special - especially in the minds of the haters. I think that's counter productive. Human rights, that's what I believe in, equal and the same for everybody.Delete
Semantics aside, I am in no way surprised that the haters would attempt any and all underhanded actions to prevent something that has absolutely no bearing on their lives or rights in any way whatsoever. I'm not in anyway surprised that those who claim the moral and Divine highground would use any lie or any underhanded trick to get what they want and then claim they're doing it "for the children" in Jesus name. They tend to run true to course. Every single time.
Which is why it is essential that everybody who believes in human rights, and believes that human rights are inalienable (i.e. not something the majority can vote away from the minority) get off their asses and do something about it. These pious hypocrites keep talking about "taking America back?" Fuck them, it's not their county and never was, it's ours and they're fucking lucky we let them live in it.
I'm an unrelenting advocate for human rights.
Jim - Regarding the last few sentences of your reply: That's what we Indians have felt about all of the "american" original "immigrants".Delete
No meanness intended but we notice all the chaotic "camps" of beings in this still stolen land. And its chaotic beliefs. We were the first to suffer the insufferable and unenlightened "christians". In fact, their actions, along with the american government and its always divided citizens, unlettered and uneducated as many more then were - these were the most barbaric "destroyer's" of all of us who originally greeted the incoming masses. How much has over 500 years changed? We say not much.
Tristian, I'm also a resident of MD. Getting the bill passed and signed is a big deal. If it does become a referendum, you need to be out there for your rights. You need to expose when out of state money comes in to oppose (ala the mormons on Prop 8).Delete
Tristian - hopefully, you will be making your presence known at the Reason Rally in DC on March 24th. There will be many, many (many)^2 folks in support of you there. There may be a few opposed as well, but they will mostly be occupied by (trying to) keeping out of the jaws of those that do.Delete
Anonymous, I missed your comment the first time though.Delete
Agreed. And I can certainly see your point of view. Unfortunately, I'm several centuries too late to do much about it, at least other than offer what sympathy I can and give voice to your situation as best I'm able.
And to do my best to not let it happen again.
wow..absolutely shocking..I hope that the FBI/Homeland Security are keeping track of a lot of these very crazy far-right lunatics. Some of them sound downright scary..and being a retired Criminal Investigator..they send up red flags and make the hair on my neck stand up. You are a great writer, keep up the good work...very sad, and very scary how many totally insane "so-called Christians" there are on the right.ReplyDelete
What I find so scary is the bubble of stupid that some of these people seem to live within. The most frightening thing I can think of is to wake up one morning and suddenly be relentlessly stupid, and relentlessly vocal about it. What's it like to go through life with nary an understanding of the world around you and what makes it tick?ReplyDelete
Keep on keepin' on Mr. Wright. I've recently shared your blog with my folks back East and they now are looking forward to every post that leaves your talented fingers.
"Well, I was hoping if we stuck a probe up you ass we might find your head, but we'll have to move the Bishop out of the way first.”ReplyDelete
Jim: Out of the park again!
The passive/aggressive meme employed by so many religious nut jobs is annoying. Recently, after a pretty nasty display of churlishness by a Jehovah’s Witness at my door, I let loose with my feelings about the “magic guy” and let the chips fall as they may. No more nice girl for me. I am so tired of the missionary zeal on my doorstep and the arrogance it assumes.
Understanding the personality type: Psychology prof Robert Altemeyer has studied the behavior of the sort of people that join the Tea Party, and has been writing about it for academic journals for years.ReplyDelete
Well in 2006 he wrote a book for the public on the topic, and has made it available at no cost.
http://members.shaw.ca/jeanaltemeyer/drbob/TheAuthoritarians.pdf (warning its 260 pages, and I found it hard to put down)
Some supplemental articles (the reaction to the 2008 election) and information on ordering a printed copy can be found at http://home.cc.umanitoba.ca/~altemey/
Thanks for that link. An excellent read so far.Delete
I have just one question: how do these barely literate people even FIND you? Or understand what you're saying? (Okay, so that's two questions.)ReplyDelete
So much righteous anger and fear transmorgified into uncontrolled spew. Absolutely amazing. The problem with Christian projectile vomiting is that the causal head injury is terminal, but unfortunately not usually fatal.ReplyDelete
Thanks for sharing Jim. It'll take a month to clean my snuggie. Fuck it, I'll never get the baby Jesus shit smell out.
I find it refreshing to come to your blog and not find all the trolls at work.I have no time for all the same talking points and the display of "hate speak" I think it was you that so thoughtfully called them "knuckle dragging, mouth breathing,ass-hat,trolls, so well deserved.ReplyDelete
As a Marine and then expat DoD contractor, I spent most of the Bush Sr, Clinton and Cheney (W) years overseas deployed and PCSd to the UK. My foreign friends viewed the increasingly polarized, irrational and Jesus based madness of what passed for US domestic and foreign policy with open mouthed, gob smacked amazement.ReplyDelete
I explained (in my opinion) that the growth of Neo Con and Christian influence in US matters, culminating with the recently misplaced Cheney/Bush years, had little to do with a US imposed world order or faith based return to some mythical 24/7 Beaver episode. The whole show, to include the current admin, is driven primarily to take all the money. Greed at the 1% level has established a self-licking ice cream cone of corruption and disdain for the Morlocks.
What you have illustrated seems to be the combined effect of NCLB promulgated ignorance and hatred of the OTHER, compounded with Jesus whipped fear, failure or fantasy of repressed and unreachable sexual satisfaction (probably with a sibling or 1st cousin).
If you have ever seen Brit and Euro girls and boys on holiday in the Med, what appears to be a semi-controlled maelstrom of hedonistic sex and boozing, is exactly what the doctor ordered for these uptight Christian dickheads. Not that I want to see many God fearing, mid western Walmart shoppers topless and sporting thongs, but they really, really, really need to get laid.
To paraphrase Mr Williams - These guys are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.
"Not that I want to see many God fearing, mid western Walmart shoppers topless and sporting thongs".Delete
there ain't enough eyeball bleach in the world...
If you have ever seen Brit and Euro girls and boys on holiday in the Med, what appears to be a semi-controlled maelstrom of hedonistic sex and boozing, is exactly what the doctor ordered for these uptight Christian dickheads. Not that I want to see many God fearing, mid western Walmart shoppers topless and sporting thongsReplyDelete
Ah, yes, I do miss Palma de Majorca.
And leave it to a Marine to zero in on the perfect Robin Williams quote.
Yep Jim - My record is 5 port calls in Majorca, 2 in Benidorm and Valencia, and several in/out chops thru Rota. I LUV Spain. I took my wife back to Majorca on holiday. She heard my stories and was still a bit amazed at the goin's on. And she is also a Marine...but a demure one.Delete
I can't remember how many times I liberty call there. A dozen at least. I was stationed in Rota and did a dozen Med cruises as a rider in the early-mid 80's. Spain is one of my favorite places in the world, wonderful people, wonderful food.Delete
Now, what the fuck is a "demure" Marine?
I think a demure Marine is one who drinks milk after f'ing your s**t up rather than whiskey.Delete
I'd just love to see there faces in Amsterdam or my home town Brighton!Delete
Ok, I think I'm having too much fun reading your blog..ReplyDelete
We start with some 'serious' stuff..
>Ironic that.. people who claim to love life above all things threaten to take yours.
>ironic, that when you write about religion you get intensely bitter hatred from devout believers who profess to follow a religion supposedly based on peace and love.
Ok, they're good.. But that's expected, after all, that's why I come here..
Then, we have these
>Try reading the true Bible again and this time listen to Jesus words
'read', 'listen' - ok.. I guess they expect that you, like they, can't read silently.. I can dig it..
>You’re immorale Obama, Father of LiES who orders child murder is destroying this country not the Chruch.
Hey!, wait a minute! YOU are Obama? WTH?? I'm ok with immoral, imoral, immorale.. whatever.. ;-)
-and that Satan gets around. He, She, actually, was my 10th year english teacher..
>You can’t “r@pe” somebody who has already had sex outside of marriage.
Wow.. I mean, WOW.. I've heard lot's of definitions & justifications, but _WOW_
>Why do you liberals always say “uterus?”
Cause they, and we, are not pricks? Did I win? ;-)
>The world will end soon and then you will be SORRY.
Ya, Ya.. Breaking News, Earth splitting Apart! Flames shooting thru the skies! Details at eleven.. Been there, done that, George is dead. Damn. Only the Good Die Young.
>we have a president who hates America and isn’t even an American citizen. And no its not because he is black.
Ah, thanks for setting _that_ straight..
and now back to you
>I have a couple of funny stories about war and monkey brains, but since this is a family blog I probably better not say anything.
Soo, where's the link to the non-family blog?
We now resume our regularly scheduled program -
>Why do you want to put something up a man’s butt? Think about it. You need to accept Jesus because you are very sick.
Is this the same person who had n/p's with sticking a probe 'up a pussy', to use their likely vernacular? Yes, I am being nice..
However, we have to love that line.. Because _it_ brought us this
>...if we stuck a probe up your ass we might find your head, but we'll have to move the Bishop out of the way first.
tis a very good thing I installed the handy dandy automatic LCD & keyboard protection system.. Works, too.. ;-)
BTW, Jim, "up you(sic) ass" might want to add the 'r' - when will we get the context checkers! ;-)
to be continued.. gotta love post limits! yea, I know.. I wright too much.. ;-)
Continued.. as promised.. ;-)ReplyDelete
>Abuse does NOT happen in the church (not cathalic)
Possibly true.. I have no experience with the 'cathalic' church.. unless, maybe they learned to spell in the 'Catholic' school? Ya think?
and this person gets _one_ thing 100% correct..
That's correct. The Evolution which produced they, _is_ EVIL!
just sayin'.. ;-)
and, of course, we round things up with another Wrightism (copyright 2012 ;-))
>Like a pedophile disguised as a priest.
Yea. That'll do.
You know, I'd like to keep laughing. But I can't. These people were actively taught to think in these ways.. Ok, not really 'think' - maybe 'spew' is a better word - but they were taught it. No-one comes from the uterus (damn!, do I feel smart! ;-)) with that b.s. already inside of them. Soo, why do we, as a people, as a country, allow, no, encourage the teaching of bigotry & ignorance.
Your answer's likely better than mine
ETA: From the comments..
>Haven't heard back from him since. Which I pretty much consider a win.
Hmm.. might have to try that one.. in person.. so's I can watch the heads spin, the eyes boggle.. you know, the good stuff.. ;-)
and it may be thread drift, but I must thank both Tristan Alexander & Anonymous for this..
>I want to thank you for blowing my mind with this phrase "majority voting on the rights of the minority."
>What's it like to go through life with nary an understanding of the world around you and what makes it tick?
Sometimes snark fails.. like now..
>after a pretty nasty display of churlishness by a Jehovah’s Witness at my door, I let loose with my feelings about the “magic guy” and let the chips fall as they may. No more nice girl for me.
Prompts a small story I suspect "No more nice girl" will like. My aunt, 67 & dying of cancer, moved in with my mother to 'die at home'. She had cancer throughout the bones of her hips/legs, so a wheel chair it was. One day, so the story goes, my mother makes a sound of disgust at the sight of two JW's walking up the path. Alice, in her chair, perks up. Can I answer the door? Ma says "sure, what the hey". Well, the door bell rings, Alice, a frail little woman losing her hair & sitting in the wheel chair opens the door and asks "Are you Jehovah's Witnesses?" Probably thinking this was their lucky day, one responded "Yes!", where upon Alice said "Good! Bye!" & slammed the door in their faces..Looking back at my mother she was said to say - with a grin - "I always wanted to do that".. ;-)
>Not that I want to see many God fearing, mid western Walmart shoppers topless and sporting thongs, but they really, really, really need to get laid.
Screen & Keyboard Protection Device to the rescue, Yet Again! Now, where's the mind 'bleach'? I think maybe a good drunk will help me forget _that_ image.. ;-)
thanks for the laughs
Long time reader. Alost never comment on blogs but I just had to break my silence to say .....I LUV your blogReplyDelete
Jim, I'm another long time "lurker/laugher," 1st time commenter. You hooked me quite awhile ago & I've never looked back. I've also shared your posts on many a website, to the thanks of those who looked you up. I'm not normally a "gusher" and kiss no one's ass, but I do love your sense of humor & brilliant writing. Such a talented guy! Thanks!ReplyDelete
Oh the reactions next to "I hate you so much" can you add a box for "I have a man crush on you"? Thanking you very much in advance.ReplyDelete
The best response to Jehovah's Witnesses...When they ask "Do you want to be saved?" Say "no", and smile back politly. Tends to through them way off their script.ReplyDelete
Or perhaps, "Do you want to be sacrificed? I have an alter around back."Delete
"Like a pedophile dressed as a priest".ReplyDelete
That's what I was thinking. So much suffering in the name of religion or god, (same thing as far as I'm concerned).
I would also agree the "friendly tone" you describe as "worse" is just dripping with condescension. What a truly christian attitude. Makes my blood boil.
I'm so glad I found your blog. I love your work. Thank you.
Just in case you're unfamiliar with the holy gospel as dictated to the Austin Lounge Lizards, Jesus loves me, but he hates you.ReplyDelete
You're welcome ;).
BTW, I usually use the "friendly tone" with so-called Christians who I completely despise as tools, expressing concern about their souls given that they aren't following the word of that hippie Jesus dude and stuff. Not that there's such as thing as a soul, since religion is a scam by people who deserve punishment in the here-and-now to trick us into believing they'll get punishment in the thereafter instead (thus providing us with less motivation to give them a necktie party in *this* life), but I know the cant, and you can see them almost wriggling in discomfort at having their own tactic used against them. That's the point at which they start saying you have cooties and are going to hell and they exit stage left :).
hopefully followed by a bear.Delete
Rebecca, I don't konw about brass knuckles, but you can get a Hello Kitty AR-15. Or an AK-47.ReplyDelete
And Jim, "I have a couple of funny stories about war and monkey brains, but since this is a family blog I probably better not say anything." A Couple? Really? We've only heard the one. Are you holding out on us?
Yes i am.Delete
Oh, please share! Who doesn't love the monkey brains? Also, thank you for the links to the beautiful assault rifles. :DDelete
I recently made an involuntary move back to the rural Bible Belt in order to cut expenses while I finish my degree. After decades in the big city, it's been a shock. As a part of my education, I recently spent two days observing a home health care professional. Within five minutes of meeting , he had proclaimed his: status as a free will baptist minister; belief that Pres. Obama is a Muslim; belief that marriage is one man and one woman; and his love for all things Santorum (the candidate, not the other thing). I'm not kidding about the time frame. I was to spend two, ten-hour plus days with this individual, and this is the way we start. I was being tested to see if I was a club member. I spent the first day trying to keep the conversation on medical issues, desperately asking any question that came to mind about the work, but the effort to avoid religion or politics as a topic was futile. He was determined to find out if I agreed with him on these subjects and just as determined to convert me if he felt that I didn't. Those who know me can probably tell whats coming next: I decided to have a little fun (fun for me, not for him). You see, I am a product of Jesuit schooling. It has equipped me with an above average knowledge concerning scripture (the average being awfully low), Biblical history (both the secular and the sacred history), it's interpretations, and a certain ruthlessness when it comes to those who profess to know God's will (which the scripture states to be impossible). Most "Thumpers", as I like to refer to them, generally draw their more narrow minded views from a couple of scriptural sources: Leviticus and The Gospel of John. Leviticus is the old testament book that concerns itself with rules and more rules. It's a guide to being Jewish in the time of Moses. You can find all kinds of "don'ts", including sexual taboos. Thumpers love to quote Leviticus when it comes to homosexuality. Only one problem with a modern Christian and Leviticus: Christian belief invalidates those proscriptions (Christ being a new and everlasting covenant). If you want to really live Leviticus as a modern Christian, you had better be ready for a serious lifestyle change! The book of John is also used as ammunition for Thumpers who want justification for their innate bigotry (Christ is critical of the Jews in this gospel) and exclusionary practices (they use "whosoever believe in me," passage as justification for prejudice against non-believers, defining non-believer as anyone who doesn't agree with them exactly). Once again, they cherry pick verses without taking the tenor of the entire work into account. Thumpers also HATE it when you use scriptural references to refute their bigotry. Funny thing is, the Bible is chock full of such refutations. They can even be found in Leviticus and John! Leviticus 19:18 “Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” John 13:34-35 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” I spent the second day in the car with this person twisting his head around (figuratively, not literally) the fact that the Bible gives us reasons to love and include, that human judgment of spiritual morality is meaningless to God and that Christian life had to be centered on one theme only (Love God and love thy neighbor). I also inquired if he, being an expert on Levitical law, sacrificed a goat to the demon Azazael on the Day of Atonement (Chap. 16), or if he had cast his wife from his house since she read her horoscope every day (Chap. 20).ReplyDelete
You can imagine my shock when this person became angry with me, accused me of apostasy and told me in stentorian tones that God was watching and the wages of sin were death. Maybe I should feel guilty for a lack of forbearance . . . but I don't!
BTW, if my vote counts, I really would like more posts on crispy bacon, since I don't follow Levitical law!Delete
While the threaded comments (replies after relevant comment) make the most sense when reading the entire commentary at once, threaded makes it harder to follow the discussion as it updates over several days. One has to glance through the whole column of comments for the new ones instead of just reading the last few. Each commentary method has its advantages, so I'm just pointing this out instead of calling it a complaint.ReplyDelete
Yes - I agree, however, I did receive a series of email updates for this thread that were - perhaps - slightly more amusing simply because of the format. They could be perceived as minimally derogatory of our host, so I won't post the two, serial email receipts unless our gracious host permits, but they made me come back to the thread to see exactly what really had been said - and in what order.Delete
Should thou writest about BACON, the LORD doth say it must be about BACON of the TRUE kind, which is of PORK and nay, not even, the vile and heretical kind, which is of TURKEY. For shouldst thou writest in words kind and tender regarding the heathen TURKEY BACON, lo, thou shalt experience a great outpouring and torrent most vile of reprobation upon thy brow, even unto the Frothy Mix.ReplyDelete
Here endeth the lesson.
Oh, great, Bacon True Believers of the Pig versus the allegedly heretical Reformed Baconites. We'll have the Egg Uppians vs. Egg Overians. Black Coffeans versus the Creameries versus the Two Lumps. That's not good enough, because the Creameries will schism into Whole Fat versus Skim, who will both hate the Soyers. True Maple dousers versus Lite Syrupers. Crockery will fly! Pitchers will pour. Forks, oh don't mention what they do with the forks!Delete
Can I have french toast and coffee, a good view from the corner, with a BIG plexiglass shield please? This will be fun to watch.
OG, Surely you don't have anything against tofu bacon, do you? Do you?!?!?!?Delete
Tofu bacon is an abomination, period.Delete
But egg white textured soy flavored bacon is great! Crispy! Melt in your mouth bacon flavor. Great alone or on a BLT with onions! and sometimes avocado. (Okay, the visual aesthetics leave something to be desired - but, in a cartoonish way, you see it as bacon.) So, I guess our branch would be the Formed Reformed Baconites. But, here, we are an inclusive bunch and will dine with True Believers of the Pig with no sense of guilt nor shame. For, in this house, we care not (and, most days don't even want to know) what you put in your mouth, stomach, vagina, or any other orifice - we only ask you let us decide the what for our own orifices.Delete
we only ask you let us decide the what for our own orifices.Delete
Yeah, about that, I don't think you understand how America works. We'll decide what goes in your orifice!
Ur. Sorry. Was watching recaps of Rush Limbaugh. Had to resist the urge to call you a bacon slut there. Sorry.
Remember, the GOP is the party of small government. Orifices (and vaginas) are small, much smaller than a football field. QED.Delete
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Personally, John, it's fine with me, if you eat tofu bacon. BUT WHEN I TYPE CAPS I AM SPEAKING FOR GOD!!!Delete
When I was a kid I always wondered why GOD spoke in caps and red letters in the bible. I think Harlan Ellison wrote a story about that.
Lets see - bacon, uterus's, bishops, anal probes, heads stuck in confined spaces, boobs (oops, wrong story folks, sorry for the mammary loss) Thongs@walmart.com, bible humpers, Tea (Turd Excavating Asshats) types, Satan in Satin and so forth. Great column and great comments to keep us sane. Along with the Robin Williams BJ suggestion added to a generous round of Zappa's DynamoHum - Now THATS divine intervention! Keep your hand on it.ReplyDelete
Hey, folks -- I'm a newcomer (everyone stand and chorus, "Hi, Newcomer!") and the _only_ reason I'm posting anonymously is because I am so friggin' tech-challenged that I have no idea how to provide "name/URL" identifiers. Really. Not kidding. As in: this is actually the phone on my kitchen wall:ReplyDelete
Anyhoo, tech challenges aside (and hey -- I welcome fix-it guidance), Jim -- you're a fabulous, wondrous gene in the pool. Thank goodness you and your magnificently tolerant wife have procreated -- there really IS hope for the future. (No pressure for your son, or anything.)
Having said that, I have lurked through enough posts and comment exchanges to suspect that you (collective regular folks "you") will be entertained by the following:
People who can't write. Gah! It's must be so sad to be so readily identifiable as stupid.
Lovely to meet you all; thanks for the laughs!
Carolyn Linden/Tacoma, WA
Welcome aboard. Mind the white cat, he's an asshole.Delete
Hyperbole And A Half is indeed a great blog.
Late to the game, just linked over from Crooksandliars. This was a brilliant post and I'm glad to have found you. Best chuckles in a long time. Keep writing.ReplyDelete
Wow. I so rarely get hate mail that it always takes me a minute or two to process it...like those scenes on sitcoms where someone says something ridiculous, and then the two other people in the scene stare at each other for five seconds before dissolving into laughter.ReplyDelete
What I do get, once in a while when I get in the mood to write something cantankerous about some political issue or whatnot, is a pouty message or comment along the lines of: "This kind of thing isn't what I come to your blog for." That always irritates me. What makes people think that they get to demand that I provide content that caters to them? If I bother to respond, it's simply to point out that I write what I think, and sometimes my thoughts aren't pretty.
Oh well, keep up the good work! (I live near Buffalo, NY, so I'm only about ten miles from Canada. I don't wear flannel, but I do wear overalls. Am I an honorary Canadian?)
You are SO lucky to get this much comedy material free of charge to your blog. Me, I have to rely on replies to my YouTube videos for this much RW comedy. :)ReplyDelete
I guess this was one of the drawbacks to establishing a colony and then a nation which valued religious freedom...all of the fanatics and extremists moved here!ReplyDelete
"I may be no expert on how to pick up women but trust me on this, you're not going to "get it" either with an attitude like that."ReplyDelete
The Invisible Hand gives reach-arounds, for the right price.
That was superb; I'm glad I was directed to your blog.ReplyDelete
Well, Jim, I hope you feel very satisfied with yourself- you gave all those poor, persecuted christians a dose of butthurt. It's almost as bad as what the martyrs of the early church had to endure under the Romans. Seriously, though, I wish the Romans would have just exiled Jeebus to Egypt or Gaul- we wouldn't have to listen to his followers' insipid bullshit today. Sierra Hotel, shipmate!ReplyDelete
Kind of wish all these true Christians who are so convinced that the world is going to end as foretold in Holy, inerrant scripture because the anti-Christ was elected and the rapture is nigh, etc., etc. would just concentrate on their own salvation for the time being and leave the rest of us the fuck alone. Isn't it a little lacking in faith to try to salvage the world, via political busy-bodying, from the claws of Satan if God's pre-ordained plan, as they like to point out, is to destroy it? Seems to me like they are taking on the role of rebels against the Imperial forces (i.e. God/heavenly horde) fighting against the plans of the very being they claim to support.ReplyDelete
If their God is so powerful...how can man push him out of anything? If their faith is so strong, why do they need me to believe in him?ReplyDelete
Reminds me of folks who say that hurricanes or earthquakes or whatever are "a message from God". What, God can't just IM or tweet or send an email like everybody else when he wants to send a message? God's fingers are too chubby for those teeny little mobile phone keyboards or somethin'? Seems to me that if ya got an almighty omnipotent Deity, he can send a message in far more effective and easily understood ways, yo!Delete
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
the funny part is that if they really were Christians they would start out by...forgiving you (Bill Hicks).ReplyDelete
I always hit 'em with the parable of the Roman tax collector, then the left is usually a shot of "whited sepulchres," followed with the finishing round of "be not like the Pharisees..."
The reason these people are so pissed off is that all they have is uninformed opinion and rage.
Good on you, enjoy the Rondy!
I must admit, I'm astonished that this sort of person could come up with this word play. Hats off. Really. ;)
Apart from that, of course, I agree with you.
I didn't read it all the way through, all all the latest BS moves on women's rights have made me physically ill, never mind the hatred that people (who profess to be Christian) spew.ReplyDelete
Never fails to leave me stunned, that amount of bile. Thank you for standing strong and speaking your mind in the face of all that.
Shortly after we had invaded Afghanistan and "liberated" Kabul, a few brave Afghani women removed the burka and started dressing in what had passed as accepted conservative dress prior to the early 90's country wide ascendancy of the Taliban. Long dresses, long sleeves and colorful head scarves that mostly covered their hair, but revealed their faces for all to recognize.ReplyDelete
A Western TV reporter was interviewing one such woman on the street. She was discussing how women now looked forward to attending school, running businesses and playing a greater role in the future Afghani recovery. The camera crew and this woman were flanked by Afghan police or security (for their safety).
Far in the back of the frame was an old, dried up looking Pashtun specimen who noticed the non-burka wearing woman. Oblivious to the camera crew and police, this little guy staggered across the street toward the camera, his face ablaze with rage. He raised his cane and nearly got to the woman to give her a good beating for the crime of revealing her face to strangers, or whatever.
The cops turned around and stopped his assault, taking the little dude to the side to calm him down. I am also sure that they told him to hold off until the camera was turned off and then beat the shit out of this uppity bitch who dared to remove her burka.
This is the problem with the Christian Taliban who "strike first, strike hard" for Jesus. (Without benefit of spell check or a brain.) These nitwits don't wait until the camera's off to attack loose women and Librul Merka-hating terrists like Jim. But, a lot of us carry both a brain and weapons; and we know how to use the one to not use the other.
Christian and Rightie fucks wear their God-given right to spew hate and bear arms with impeccable ignorance and poor aim. Ignore them like a damaged, beat down dog - but be ready to respond when they get off their chain.
Oh, and how is that Afghan "liberation" from the Taliban going?
Just discover3ed this blog- loving both it and the commenters :)ReplyDelete
Jim, you know I'm right there with you on everything in this post, but the thing that hit me more than any other:ReplyDelete
"And to do my best to not let it happen again."
Jim, I'm right there with you on everything in this post, but the thing that hit me more than any other:ReplyDelete
"And to do my best to not let it happen again."
"People like YOU kicked GOD out of government..... If you idiots would ask God back into America our once great country wouldn’t be going down the toilet. 2012. The world will end soon and then you will be SORRY. My adise? Prey."ReplyDelete
So the all knowing all powerful god cannot enter unless you invite him and he wants you to Prey. Sounds very much like he is a vampire. I quite like that prospect as we may then get to see actually see him in the upcoming movie Abraham Lincoln Vampire - Vampire Hunter.
The Internet gives such people a sense of power as well as anonymity to spout their filth.ReplyDelete
This is the best blog I've come across in ages, great writing and very funny comments. Stay Free!!!ReplyDelete
I wish more people would refer to these evangelical nut cases as the Christian Taliban. Use that phrase over and over until it becomes a meme when dealing with these Christians who would impose Sharia-style Christian Law in this land. The sad part is they don't see how CLOSE they are to being just that - Taliban.ReplyDelete
Well, I have to say that I have also blogged about abortion-know what I got? One lovely, supportive comment...AND it was more or less pro-choice! Maybe because it was extremely from the female point of view? Maybe because I have like 5 readers and I know them all personally? ;) I think you only get hate mail when you're good and lots o people read your stuff!ReplyDelete
I also have to say that, as a Christian (though not THAT kind...I just believe all the stuff in the Bible and try to follow the God in there), these people make me sad. There are so many of us who get the real stuff (all that stuff about loving people and "what you do unto the least of these...")...but all anybody sees are these nutcases. Sadly, I live in Texas where I know some of them personally.
Keep writing the good stuff!
I really, really want to hear Lambchop reading from Mein Kampf.ReplyDelete
We have a new benchmark. Texans at the airport, was my previous favorite piece . The downside - how do we harness the massive amount of energy produced as all these female followers simultaneously orgasm.ReplyDelete