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Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Insane Clown Posse Drinking Game

 

Me: So, GM reports highest profits ever. 

Him: Well. Yah. Whatever.

Me: So, it looks like the auto industry bailout wasn’t such a bad idea after all, eh?

Him: I never said it was. 

Me: Bwah? Never said it was? You’ve bitched about the bailouts like every single time I’ve talked to you for the last three years!

Him: Barry is busy taking credit for saving the auto industry.  Must be an election year.

Me: The hell?

Him: And it wasn’t “bailouts.” It was TARP and it was actually Bush’s idea, Barry just took credit for it. Bush gets credit for saving Detroit. It sure as hell wasn’t your boy. Barry hates big business. Hates it. He’s just doing what he always does, buying the Union vote with our tax dollars.  You don’t see him bailing out small businesses or non-union companies do you?

Me: Jesus Haploid Christ, Dude, you’re mixing all kinds of shit together and anyway, now TARP is a good idea? Seriously? Exactly how much of that Kool-Aid did you drink? Because I think you might need to call Poison Control…

 

In retrospect, maybe I should have advised him to call Alcoholics Anonymous.

 

The absurd amount of paint-chip eating, baboon faced, nose picking, dimwitted verbal diarrhea in this election season is fast approaching a level of frothy double-thinking stupidity that even an avowed political junkie like yours truly finds simply astounding.

During the Super Bowl, an American icon narrates a commercial about optimism and bringing jobs back to a depressed American city and buying a Chrysler – and the noose and torch waving extremists led by Karl Rove go absolutely monkey shit, accusing Clint Eastwood, Clint The Man With No Name Eastwood for fuck’s sake, of shilling for President Obama and being anti-American. Clint Eastwood. Because, optimism, you see, is obviously a communist plot by Muslim Bilderberg Illuminati to save one of the largest remaining American industries and a couple million jobs in the Midwest in order to destroy capitalism, kill Jesus, bring about the New World Order, and turn our internal organs into a tasty nacho cheese flavored paste, or something, maybe, I’m a little hazy on the details, whatever. The important thing is that only gun lovin’ war mongerin’ Jesus humping rightwing extremists can be patriots.  Optimism equals Liberalism equals terrorism, that’s a tip from Homeland Security, kids, write it down. Also, Clint Eastwood obviously hates the Jesus and he’s probably gay, somebody check the bumper of his Prius for a Jebus Fish. (Aside: you ever notice how Karl Rove bears a really striking physical resemblance Major Toht, the creepy Gestapo guy from the first Indiana Jones movie? What? I’m just saying it’s a weird coincidence is all. No, no, never mind, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about).  Republican Funnyman Mitt Romney condemned Obama’s bailout of Detroit, but then immediately explained how he, himself, as president no less, wouldn’t have let “automakers be liquidated” – despite personally penning a piece in the November 2008 New York Times entitled (and I quote) “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” (and I unquote).  Everybody clear on that?  If Obama bails out Detroit, it’s anti-American socialist cheese making with ass-buggery by Clint Eastwood.  But if Romney, the guy who made two hundred million dollars by liquidating companies and who specifically said in writing that automakers should go bankrupt but now says he was just kidding, ha ha, if he says he would have bailed out Detroit, well, sir, that’s, um, well, not socialism. 

I guess it depends on why you bailed out Detroit. 

Do it to save two million American blue collar jobs, it’s socialism. 

Do it to make grotesquely rich CEOs and white collar venture capitalists even more grossly richer, it’s double-plus extra special American cheeseburgers with sparkly bald eagles on top shooting red white and blue bottle rockets out of their assholes while the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders sing a Country and Western version of God Bless America.

Remember, folks, ObamaCare = OMFG! Nazis

RomneyCare = uh, well, ur, OMFG! Look over there! Clint Eastwood is totally ass raping Jesus! And he hates puppies! And white people! It’s Twue!

When it comes to oral gymnastics, Mitt Romney is far more gifted than Linda Lovelace ever was. If politics doesn’t work out for him, he should seriously consider hardcore porn. For Romney, it’s basically the same thing and you don’t have to wear a tie – unless it’s the Horny Governor and the Nympho Intern script.

Yesterday, Congressional Conservatives just gave up.  John Boehner threw in the towel. Fuck it. Fine. Keep your stupid un-American payroll tax cuts. Fine, just fine. Make Jesus cry. Jerks. Whatever. Stupid voters.  Boehner himself was nearly in tears because congressional republicans, after fighting tooth and nail for tax breaks for the wealthiest 2% of Americans, were being blamed for wanting to raise Social Security withholdings on the middle class. Boehner felt it was just so monumentally unfair of Democrats to take advantage of the Republicans’ clearly stated position during an election year, because, of course, Boehner himself would never ever do such a thing. No Sir. Nope. Never.  The Speaker shouldn’t have worried, like my friend up above there are still plenty of loyal Kool-Aid drinkers.  Take Douglas the Yahoo Commenter:

Obama doesn't want to help the MIDDLE CLASS , he wants to GIVE MORE to the LEECHES !!! [sic]

Apparently we’re now defining leeches as those Americans (and non-Americans) who have jobs and pay taxes.  See, what we are in point of fact talking about here, by definition, are payroll tax breaks. Payroll tax breaks. Payroll.  Pay. Roll. Payroll tax breaks. The idea is you get less taken out of your paycheck (an amount equal to about one small tank of gas per month if you want to get specific about it).  Generally, you have to have a job to get a paycheck in order to have FICA withheld.  We’re now calling those people “leeches,” please note the change and use the term appropriately in official communication.

Meanwhile, The Newter still wants to cut government spending and eliminate the National Debt by declaring war on Iran and building a ten gazillion dollar base on the lunar surface manned by poor children who learned their astronaut skills while working as janitors in the Gingrich After-School Program Of Jesus Flavored Capitalism in order to spin magic moon dust into phallus shaped starships and shower the golden gospel of Trickle Down Reaganomics throughout the universe.

Rick Santorum thinks “We have to be concerned” about the very poor. And of course the best way to do that is to deny them access to healthcare and make them have unwanted babies.  Birth control  and prenatal care are for people who love Jesus and can afford to fly to Costa Rica for a secret abortion.  That’s in the Bible, you can look it up, it’s right next to that part about how filthy flawed dirty slyly sinful whorish womankind should cheerfully marry their rapists and love them long time forever bang bang while bearing their children which, by the way, are a gift from God (Violated? Sorry about that, here have a baby as compensation!) – or be stoned to death, whatever (Christianity, religion of love, not like that Muslim stuff. Not at all. Nosiree).  Foster Friess, Chief bankroll  of Santorum’s SuperPAC suggested today that woman should use the Ann Landers Birth Control Method

This contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s so expensive. Why, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.

Heh, heh, conservative gals just love that joke. Because they are filthy harlots.  Santorum himself said that he thinks access to birth control is destroying our civilization, and that it has “serious long-term consequences to the society,” and that he doesn’t “think it’s a healthy thing for our country.” However, when questioned about his clearly stated position, i.e. that God hates birth control because he prefers to kill babies off himself, Santorum said that, well (insert shuffling feet and darting eyes here), um, women should maybe have access to birth control because, and dig this, because there “is a difference between policy matters and religious beliefs.” 

The Fuck?!

No, seriously, What. The. Fuck?

Okay, Rick, then let us discuss a woman’s right to access an abortion. Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Holy Mother of God (everybody, swear like a Catholic!), even Jesus Christ thinks you’re an asshole.

Honestly, this guy is so full of shit that I’m tempted to ask gay people to give up their definition of “Santorum” and allow me to redefine it as “Jesus Christ! Run for your lives! It’s cannibal Nazi clown zombies riding robot polar bears that shoot killer bees out of their eyes while flaming babies fall screaming from a bright orange sky and explode on the sidewalk like water balloons filled with chunky spaghetti sauce! Also, anal sex.”

And finally, there’s good old Ron Paul.  Still being ignored by the media. Except when he’s garrulously whining about how the media is paying too much attention to him. It’s feast or famine with this guy and nothing in the middle.  I’ll say this about Paul, he’s consistent. Consistently nuts. Consistently last. Somebody remind me how many primaries he’s won (It’s ok if you include the 2008 primaries too, I don’t mind)?  How many? It was a big round number, wasn’t it?  Of course, of course, it’s all the fault of the evil liberal elite media run by evil liberal elitists of evil.  If only they’d write a totally non-biased article about Dr. Ron:

Presidential shoe-in and certain victor, Dr. Ron Paul – Favored of Jesus, Super Genius, War Hero, Leading Economist, Olympic Champion, Ball Room Dancer, Chess Master, Tutor to Chuck Norris, Juggler of Chainsaws, Vagina Whisperer, and all around Purveyor of Tasty Nacho Flavored Awesomeness – now leads the GOP presidential field from an enviably position of fourth place…

It’s pretty obvious that Democrats like the GOP line-up a hell of a lot more than Republicans do.

And for good reason.

Because it’s hysterical.  It’s just plain fucking hysterical that this insane clown posse is the best they can do.  I mean, come on. Romney, Gingrich, Santorum for fuck’s sake, and Ron Paul. That’s it. That’s really it?  Those are the choices?  This is what it’s come down to? Really?

It’s enough to drive you to drink, isn’t it?

Sure it is.

And you know what? I say, to hell with it, let’s drink.

Alcohol, in copious amounts, is the only way we’re going to get through the next year. Trust me on this, my shiny electronic friends, I was in the Navy, I’m a professional.

Let us drink.

In fact, let’s make a game of it.

Every time somebody says Obama is a Muslim, take a drink. Liberal Elite? Take a drink. Stem cells? Drink! Iran? Drink! Bailouts? Gun control? Drink! Drink! Banks, birth certificates, and babies? Drink! Drink! Drink

Sarah Palin? Shotgun a tallboy and burp the William Tell Overture like D-Day from Animal House!

Romney put his pet on the roof of the family truckster? Chug a beer from the dog bowl! If he mentions Obamacare, it’s flaming shots made with isopropyl alcohol and Hospital lime Jell-O! Don’t worry about the wood grain alcohol making you blind, the hospital Jell-O will probably kill you first.

Newt says build a moon colony? Hang from the doorjamb in gravity boots and let’s do upside down Margaritas! Four or five of those babies and we’ll be swapping wives! And, we’re already wearing gravity boots! Now if we can just find a hooker and a rubber chicken…

Anytime Ron Paul says End the Fed, we do boilermakers made with Dos Equis and a double shot glass of Geritol.

Whenever Rick Santorum says Rape Babies, take two roofies and chase them down with a box of cheap wine. If he talks about your sex life, it’s Tequila Sunrises made with grenadine and a dash of KY! If he blames his wife for something he wrote, slap the nearest harlot on the ass and send her to the store for a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and there’s a good girl!

And any time any candidate mentions abortion, drop a raw egg into a test tube of formaldehyde and swallow it whole.

 

Now you try.

 

If you need me, I’ll be at the liquor store.

71 comments:

  1. shanks, Djimm - da' wush awshum...

    ashulute - ashulat - absulately - yer dead on!

    ::flop::

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  2. Thank you for so eloquently saying that which I think every time one of those fucktards, or fucktard worshipers open their face.

    But I'm such a light weight with alcohol, I'd never survive up to the election.

    I'll just do bong hits instead. That way I'll just pass out and sleep through the worst of it.

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  3. ScottE:

    I feel your pain-my ribs hurt.

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  4. You are on fire with this post Jim. Brilliant.

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  5. "Honestly, this guy is so full of shit that I’m tempted to ask gay people to give up their definition of “Santorum” and allow me to redefine it as “Jesus Christ! Run for your lives! It’s cannibal Nazi clown zombies riding robot polar bears that shoot killer bees out of their eyes while flaming babies fall screaming from a bright orange sky and explode on the sidewalk like water balloons filled with chunky spaghetti sauce! Also, anal sex.” "


    This, Sir, this. 100%

    Thank you for existing and for so beautifully outlining the Republitard primary race.

    Now, since I am a teetotaler, I will just go ahead and "supervise" a round of that drinking game. :D

    Becca

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  6. I know what we're doing during the next GOP debate. We'll all be lit in the first 10 min. :)

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  7. "Tickle Down Reaganomics..."?

    It makes so much more sense now.

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  8. You know, I do that particular typo every single time I type "tickle, ur trickle, down." Every single time.

    I'll fix it.

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  9. This wasn't from a candidate, but is another example of Republican logic (from a CNN article about the payroll tax agreement):

    Boehner defended the decision to move forward with an unpaid payroll tax cut extension, a move previously opposed by Republicans, by arguing it was the only way to prevent a tax hike demanded by Democrats to help pay the cost.

    "We were not going to allow Democrats to continue to play games and cause a tax increase for hardworking Americans," Boehner told reporters on Wednesday. "We made a decision to bring them to the table so that the games would stop and we would get this worked out."

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  10. Rick Santorum reminds me of every do-gooder Christian true believer that I ever encountered during my stay in JesusLand(tm). I'm talking about the sincere ones, the true believers, the ones who actually believe all that stuff in the Bible, I'm not talking about the TV preachers and the cynical politicians. Individually, they're about as evil as puppy dogs. Sure, they do evil shit, but so do puppy dogs -- they don't *mean* to do evil shit, it's just that they don't know any better. Difference is, the Santorums of the world *should* know better, but they're too high on Jesus(tm) to notice that, hey, the world has sorta, like, moved on since some swarthy Jewboy got nailed to a tree a couple thousand years ago.

    So anyhow, they're okay people to know personally, they're usually sorta Ned Flanders, they don't, like, try to kill you or something for being a heathen, they just get very concerned about you. Except that if you put Ned Flanders into a position of power, you likely would *not* like the result...

    As for The Romney, it's clear that The Romney's programming got a major update over the past two years. Unfortunately, it appears they outsourced to India again and still forgot the "Charisma" and "Likability" subroutines in The Romney's software. Plus, The Romney keeps rebooting, losing all the data that it had from the last reboot, such as the data that he opposed bailouts before he supported them (or something along those lines). Maybe they should update The Romney from Windows 95 to something more modern to deal with all those reboots... or maybe The Romney's handlers believe in the definition of "feature" in the glossary of the Apple II programmer's manual: "a bug as described by marketing."

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  11. Jim, I'll have to decline. I only have the one liver and it has a few more years that I expect it to work. Heck, if I drank tea every time you suggested drinking alcohol I could get a job as a lawn sprinkler. I'd never zip up; just stand in place and turn in a circle.

    I sure hope spring comes early up there. You seem to have a bitty touch of cabin fever. Keep writing though; I'm loving it.

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  12. Why are you always so damn right?

    And also too - am I the only one old enough to remember the GOP created fear heaped on John Kennedy because of his religion - the country would be governed by the laws of Rome, be very afraid - now they WANT the country governed by the laws of Rome.

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  13. It appears that Ron, if you die from lack of insurance tough shit, Paul has been stabbed again. Not by the Librul Media, but by his crazy right wing turd stampers. Over at JuanitaJeans she has posted this gem. http://juanitajean.com/2012/02/12/well-i-dunno-bout-you-but-im-plenty-scared/ Both Chuck Norris and Rick, I can't remember number three, Perry are joining Newt as his new Dream Team.

    IF we drink as much as this menagerie would require we will all be plastered for the next several months. Question, if one drinks the required amounts of alcohol mentioned will we become saturated and be a fire hazard?

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    Replies
    1. Please excuse any typos- I am trying hard to stop laughing, but not succeeding very well. I find both this post and the comments hysterically funny. I just want to answer Mike R's question: "If one drinks the required amount of alcohol mentioned will we become saturated and be a fire hazard?"

      Answer: If one drank that much alcohol (and other fluids) one would probably spontaneously combust. To be on the safe side, I would recommend taking a swig from a high-quality fire extinguisher as a chaser, at least after the more exotic concoctions.

      Delete
  14. What disturbs me more than flaming babies falling screaming from a bright orange sky and exploding on the sidewalk like water balloons filled with chunky spaghetti sauce is how eloquently you describe these true believers of fuck your mother and her friends right up the ass while their pinching Bayer aspirin between their knees and give the money to the rich.
    You do it so well! A+

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  15. Jim,
    You think the young ones reading your column even know why Linda Lovelace was famous?
    You are showing your age.... and mine!
    Great post, as always.

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  16. No thanks; I would rather not die of alcohol poisoning before 11 in the morning....

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  17. Man, that's over-the-top. I can't afford that much beverage.

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  18. Obama doesn't want to help the MIDDLE CLASS , he wants to GIVE MORE to the LEECHES !!!

    I don't think you're being fair to Douglas, Jim. Give him the benefit of the doubt: surely he isn't indulging in an ignorant rant, but in fact is showing off his erudition and classical training by using the archaic definition of "leech" meaning physician (because early physicians used leeches in medical practice to bleed their patients, erroneously believing that ailments were caused by imbalances in the bodily fluids or "humors" that could be drained off; ironically, as you may know, modern doctors have started using leeches again as a natural way to prevent blood clots in certain courses of medical treatment).

    When you interpret Douglas' comment correctly and as he surely must have intended it, it becomes obvious that Douglas is making a common leftist critique of the Affordable Care Act: specifically, that by requiring healthcare consumers to obtain private insurance (instead of creating a Federally-run single payer healthcare system), the ACA runs the risk of failing to control costs, one of its primary goals. Where Douglas is possibly being unfair in his analysis is that the doctors he's implicitly taking sides against are less likely beneficiaries of the ACA than the insurance companies who have been guaranteed customers by the Act. Furthermore, the ACA does, in fact, contain cost-controlling provisions and analysis by non-partisans tends to be that the ACA will, contra Douglas, help the middle class and control costs, whether or not it ultimately increases doctors' incomes.

    Aside from that quibble, an excellent piece, Jim.

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  19. Dude, you're killing me here. I think I need a leech to balance my humors

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  20. Brilliant post!

    There is no way I have enough storage for all the alcohol I'd need to listen to the GOP regressive idiots this time around. Although, the rufie wouldn't take up much space and it would be sure to knock me out cold in case I end up in a doctor's office having to watch Faux News in the waiting room.

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  21. The imagery from the column was... something. But your loyal fans are doubling down and now I have visions of that spinning Viking blood sprinkler from Saturday Night Live or something...

    Make it stop. Make it stop. I don't drink and I still am getting the DTs from this post! (grin)

    Dr. Phil

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  22. Your descriptions of the Republican field are, as usual, right on target. It's odd how I am still petrified of the possibility of any one of these crazy candidates being elected. You might think I was relieved after secessionist Perry and pray the gay away Bachmann dropped out of the race, and I was, but it's like "only" being locked in a room with four ticking time bombs instead of six. I can't imagine drinking between now and the election, because I don't want to miss participating in get-out-the-vote campaigns and casting my vote. (Speaking of drinking, can I send you some new drinks recipes, or maybe a bottle of scotch? The drinks you got out of that GOP handbook sound disgusting.)

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  23. Great post as always. However, concerning the Clint Eastwood rah- rah: It's cool that he is trying to champion Detroit and Made in the USA but it was a Chrysler commercial. Chrysler. If you discount Jeep -- Jeep owners don't admit that it's Chrysler anyway -- Chrysler currently makes three (3) cars in the US. Every other one is made in either Canada or Mexico. If you do include Jeep (all made in US), that is still only 8 out of 15 vehicles made here. I don't care what Motor Trend says, "Assembled in Canada" does not a domestic car make.

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    Replies
    1. Don't remember who said it first but the union (if that's the right word) of Chrysler and Fiat brings together the stylish sex appeal of your grandfather's Chrysler Imperial and the reliability we have come to expect from Fiat. What were they thinking?

      Delete
  24. Hey Ho Jim, good post. I thought you would have written something about the women in combat thing. I'm trying to avoid listening to the constant verbal and visual bombardment from the "media". They seem to refuse to call anyone out on the lies being vomited by anyone republican or I should say anyone on the stump. The real concern should be on the state level elections, that is where the concerted effort by those wanting to push the conservative/religious/corporate agenda has been going on. Does Wisconsin ring a bell? I know you are ex-military, and I would assume you know about Sun Tzu, and others. Anyway, the Big Money Machine only wants a meat puppet like GWB to control=(Mittens). By the way I lost the last "debate drinking game" by not making it more than 5 shots of Tequila in a row in less than 30 seconds. I can't remember what the words were anyway.
    o/t: Your wood working is very nice.

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  25. @TS, yes, I remember the Kennedy Catholicism brouhaha very well. I actually wasn't born quite yet, but I remember studying it in history class because it was a big Separation of Church and State deal at the time. And this was at the time that the country was all crazied up with anti-Communism and adding "under God we trust" or some such to everything to keep Lenin away. I would really be enjoying the irony of the Pubs trying to out-Catholic Father Coughlin if it weren't so damned scary.

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  26. Every time I think about Ron Paul being in the race, I do a mental double-take. Like this: Ron Paul, holy dogsnot!
    This takes the edge off Gingrich and Santorum being serious contenders. Not by much, of course. Not much at all, actually. Are we living in Bizzaro Land? When did the dimensional shift happen? Maybe drinking a lot less would be the answer. Well, it's possible. Then of course there's Romney.
    Now, I'm not a big fan. He scares the crap out of me, truth be known. Still, aside from the whole gold medal worthy flip-flopping thing, the careless disregard for anyone elses well-being, and the wholesale corporate pandering, what objection could anyone have? His Mormonism doesn't bother me anymore than Santorum's reactionary Catholicism. Less, maybe. I'm guessing that it bothers some of the Republican base. More of that base than I had thought, too. We live in interesting times.
    @ Buford: Yeah, the state level matters a lot. (I live in Ohio.) So does the House and Senate. I'm kind of optimistic. I think the Occupy movement may have motivated the citizenry to make some changes. I hope so.

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  27. I think you ought to change "trickle" back to "tickle". I agree with Renee, it makes much more sense that way.

    I don't drink, but this would have me LIVING in a liquor store, never mind just stocking up.

    the stupid, it buuuurrrnnnnnsssss...

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  28. Apparently most of the red-state population is too young to remember, but there was a time when no one trusted a Republican for about five years. That would be Watergate and immediately after. Then a tough-talking cowboy actor managed to beat a spectacularly ill-starred Jimmy Carter and it all went downhill from there.

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  29. Jim - one of your BEST ever - keep up the damn fine work. I laughed till my stomach hurt and my eyes were filled with tears. You rock - fukin spot on man!

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  30. Trickle down? Tickle down? How about Tinkle down, because that's what's happening really. The 99% or however one wishes to define those of us who have under several million in income are getting tinkled on.

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  31. And instantly after I hit send or publish or whatever, I think of what else I would have said, like Tinkle Down? Well, that's what we'll all be doing if we play this drinking game of yours. Really liked the comment by Pangolin, the tea and lawn sprinkler.

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  32. Replies
    1. @Jack, if you've got something to say then spit it the fuck out, this isn't the Yahoo News forum.

      Delete
  33. With apologies to Hudson and Landry --

    (Telephone Rings)
    L: Ajax Liquor Store
    D: Aja... Ajax Liquor Store?
    L: That's right, pal
    D: Do you guys deliver?
    L: We deliver
    D: You got any tequila?
    L: We have tequila
    D: Tequila
    D: You got quarts?
    L: Yes, we have quarts
    D: I don't want... I don't want any quarts
    L: Alright, how much do you want?
    D: I want fifths.
    L: You want fifths.
    D: Four-fifths
    L: Four-fifths tequila
    D: Four-fifths tequila
    L: Ya
    D: Whadda we got so far?
    L: We got four-fifths tequila
    D: Make that... better make that five
    L: Five-fifths tequila
    D: Five-fifths tequila
    L: Got that
    D: You have scotch?
    L: We have scotch
    D: (mumbles)
    L: I beg your pardon?
    D: Four
    L: Four?
    D: Four-fifths of scotch
    L: Hello?
    D: So is this the Ajax Liquor Store?
    L: That's right pal
    D: You listed in the yellow pages?
    L: Yes, we are listed in the yellow pages
    D: How come you're not listed under "taxidermy"?
    L: That's impossible
    D: Ahh. What? I'm sorry. What? It was what?
    L: It's impossible
    D: Oh well I must have a couple of pages missing
    In my phone book. What have we got so far?
    L: Five-fifths tequila... five-fifths of scotch
    D: You got any beer?
    L: We have beer.
    D: Alright. Okay.
    L: We have 16-oz cans and 12-cans.
    D: Okay.
    L: Well how much do you want?
    D: Dis... uhh... two cases.
    L: Alright, I've got that down. Alright.
    D: Don't send any vermouth.
    L: Alright, I won't send any vermouth.
    D: That makes my wife sick. She's outta town but
    I do it just in her memory.
    L: Alright. Okay.
    L: We have... we have five-fifths tequila, five-fifths
    Of scotch, two cases of beer; one case of 16-oz cans...
    D: You just bring that right on, right on up then, uhh?
    L: Alright, where do you want me to deliver it?
    D: Up at my house
    L: Where do you live?
    D: Up on the north side
    L: On the north side
    D: Ya
    L: Whereabouts on the north side?
    D: Up there by the Japanese amusement park
    L: The Japanese amusement park
    D: Bambi the deer plays there
    L: Is that right?
    D: Where Bambi, goes nothin' grows
    D: You still there?
    L: I'm here. Alright. Don't you have any address,
    Any numbers, or anything like that?
    D: Ahhh... oh yes, I'm sorry, I'll see... Five
    L: Five
    D: Five
    L: Five
    D: Two
    L: Two
    D: Oh that's not my address, that's my order.
    L: That's the order... that's what I thought.
    D: You can fi... I'll turn the big red light on.
    You can't miss it.
    L: Red light on. Okay.
    D: There's a big statue of a brindle great dane dog out front.
    L: He's not gonna bite, is he?
    D: No, he's just a statue.
    L: Just a statue. Okay. We got five-fifths tequila,
    Five-fifths of scotch, two cases of beer, one case
    Of 16-oz cans...
    D: No vermouth
    L: No vermouth. I wouldn't send vermouth and one case
    Of... that's quite an order, are you having a party?
    D: Uhh?
    L: Are you having a party?
    D: No, I'm just trying to get ready to play Jim Wright's drinking game.

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  34. Ouch, my liver hurts. My poor, poor liver.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Don't hold back Jim. Feel free to speak your mind. Just remember that when Rickie and the Jesus Army take over, they will have a special rumpus room for you in the re-education camp. Plenty of Santorum to go around.

    At my undisclosed DC area 3 letter agency, Fox Noise is the channel of choice. All day, every day, shiny, clean, grinning Fox-bots spewing Obama hate speech through minty fresh neocon pie holes. Super hot Rightie chicks in skin tight skirts gleefully whipping on the scary black man stories; knees firmly welded together so that hyper-credulous viewers don't get an early Xmas. No freebie crotch shots allowed on Faux News. It's a legitimate news source.....where was I?

    Their are endless fictional "News Alerts" about the Obamas eating white babies torn from their hard working, American, taxpaying mommy's arms! Or, hours and hours of the latest pretty white girl gone missing. All the Fox advertisements are about old age drugs, or getting over on someone who done you wrong. Invitations to sue for Mesothelioma (?) or surgical belly mesh whatsit causing urinary bypass prolapse. Or getting out of paying your taxes, and then buying gold with all your savings.

    You expect that the folks who would vote for Mitt or Rick are mouth breathing Fox Noise viewers. Bombarded with attractively packaged bullshit; convinced that they are somehow disadvantaged by the unseen "them".

    But, consider that Fox is bleating out in most Intelligence and military watch floors, DHS and FBI OPS centers and most every cop shop in the country. Normally intelligent, skilled and worldly people will pause at the TV, watch some Fox commentary by Sarah Palen or Herman Cain, and nod sagely at the objective and fair treatment of the issues that only Fox provides. Scary.

    Never underestimate the power of stupidity in crowds. Keep fighting the fight against the stupid all the way through next November. Cause you can't tell which way it will swing.

    And stop taking a shot every time Newt opens his gob. You'll go blind.

    ReplyDelete
  36. John Healy "...His Mormonism doesn't bother me anymore than Santorum's reactionary Catholicism. Less, maybe. I'm guessing that it bothers some of the Republican base. More of that base than I had thought, too. We live in interesting times."
    February 17, 2012 10:06 AM


    I shared your relative unconcern until I remembered how Mormons from Utah flooded the more conservative districts in California and campaigned for Prop 8.

    And then, there's this:
    http://bit.ly/yzB3jK
    about Mormon Idaho billionaire Frank VanderSloot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Romney gave a speech here in SW Ohio the other day. Rancid spew would have been more palatable. So yeah, the Mormonism doesn't bother me. The man does.

      Delete
  37. That's it Jim, that's it exactly. I could never put my finger on it, but Karl Rove IS the nazi Col

    ReplyDelete
  38. Heck with the game and waiting till they start spewing forth (froth?) santorum! I have to get a good head start on the drinking before I can bear to look at what the RWNJ chickenhawk fundies have done/said/implied/fuckedover next!

    'Sides, all the drinkin' kills off the weaker brain cells; hence we get smarter the more we drink.

    Meanwhile folks in the Rest Of The World don't know whether to laugh or be terrified of what the GOoPers will do/say/imply/invade next. *smh* And no, in this context, "smh" does NOT mean Sydney Morning Herald!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Jim, you have thoughts that I generally agree with, and you seem to be a talented woodworker. However, your verbal abuse of my Lord and Savior really turns me off. I was once like you in that regard, and am still a woodworker. Perhaps He whom you seem to hold in such low regard can design an event that will help you to see your error. He did for me. Best regards.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I consider it a fair trade, given the low regard He apparently has for the majority of the human race and the amount of verbal abuse people like me are forced to take from your lord and savior's followers.

      God, should he turn out to exist, is likely big enough to take my words in the spirit intended. If not, well, that's between me and him.

      Delete
    2. I've seen this text elsewhere on your site. Does he have it on Quickkeys?

      Thank you so much for saying what needs to be said, the way it needs to be said.

      Yogi

      Delete
  40. I just sat through a dramatic reading of this post courtesy of my 18 year old, very politically active, son. I am dying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wrote it in a parody of the Edward R. Murrow anchor voice - the best example is this part "...purveyor of tasty nacho flavored awesomeness..."

      Read it as Walter Cronkite, you'll see what I mean.

      Delete
  41. nice rant Jim, .. Now, will ya move over,? I need to get my cart of beer up to the counter, and you're blocking the way...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. cart of beer?

      Right this way, Sir. Apologies for blocking the path.

      Delete
  42. [i]In retrospect, maybe I should have advised him to call Alcoholics Anonymous.[/i]
    Dear Mr. W.:
    On behalf of Alcoholics Anonymous members everywhere, I must respectfully request you refrain from referring Mr. Him to our fellowship. We're having enough trouble keeping our hands in our pockets during the drinking game as it is.
    Thanks in advance for your understanding and support. (Would you check and see if my right eye is still twitching? 'Preciate it.)

    ReplyDelete
  43. I see no reason whatsoever to go picking on Linda Lovelace like that ....

    just sayin'

    ReplyDelete
  44. Holy CRAP... this is the funniest, most scathing rant I've read all year. SPOT ON, MOFO. Keep it up, I almost chortled coffee and Pop Tart thru my nose. Gracias, Amigo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oblio

      Do not try and drink coffee, or anything else, while reading Jim. Else you will need new keyboard.

      Delete
  45. Man, I am your newest disciple... I'll be back, and I'm bringing a crowd of fellow miscreants and trouble-makers with me. Just linked to your site on my own and advised my followers to make the drive over to visit.

    Funniest post I've read in forever, and dead on the damn money!

    ReplyDelete
  46. I take issue with your last sentence. I believe that it's hard to be sameltimeously at the liquor store and passed out on the kitchen floor, which is far more likely to happen. But that's a minor quibble.

    I'm proud to be a Designated Driver. I'd better go buy a new car.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Jim. OK, first, I got here from Squatlo Rant, and second, this was way too fucking right. Funny as hell, but scary right. How can so many people buy the bullshit?

    Whichever of these Bozo's wins the nommy, the debates will be classic.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Squatlo sent me.

    I very carefully read your commenting rules, both the short and the long versions, and I will do my level best to be polite and respectful (though the strain may kill me). I enjoyed the anti-troll rant, and agree with the consensus here- this post is both deadly funny and dead-on.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Absolutely first-rate post, Jim. Thanks. I had never previously passed coffee out of my nose, so that's one more item to scratch off the bucket list.

    Don't remember the original source but someone once said that Ron Paul reminded them of furniture. Every time they saw him they wanted to go look for the rocker he fell off of.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Squatty sent me too..what a fucking hilarious post! Will be checking in here more often! Wish I could write like either you or Squatty or BJ or..oh, any of these guys here.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Jim, you should put a disclaimer on this game warning against playing while watching Fox Noise. Liver transplants for all my friends!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Jim, I laughed until I started to cry, whaaa, wahhhaaa, boo hoo...what can I say, I'm a girl.

    I was amazed that a blog could make me cry, but as I sat and thought (never mind where), I realized what was goin' on with me. I've been so frustrated with this "insane clown posse" and frustrated with tryin' to explain to people that the "insane clown posse" is not to be believed , that I lost my compass, my direction, my WAY OF LIFE!

    I've been tryin' to explain the inexplicable.

    I give up. Jim, you do it sooooo much better. I'm goin' to leave it to you, the Master, from now on. Will refer the I Dots to your blog when the goin' gets rough.

    RUFF? Ruff! ruff,ruff,ruff! Opps, gotta go, my dog wants to go OUT!!!

    Don't know why my picture/username will not show up. The insane publisher insists that I'm an "unknown (Google)" Crap!

    Good Night,

    BunnySlippers

    ReplyDelete
  53. Damn good piece. Thanks for writing it.

    Tom

    ReplyDelete
  54. Speaking of Santorum, have your ever Google'd him and checked the third entry down? Oh the irony :)

    ReplyDelete
  55. google romney and check the 4th or 5th answer down. Nothing obvious on Paul or Gingrich, yet.

    BTW Janiece is away and we are eating cookies at her place

    ReplyDelete
  56. "Jesus Haploid Christ"

    Boom.

    That is All.

    ReplyDelete
  57. "Jesus Haploid Christ" ... Boom.

    I will be using this, but will credit you.

    "JeeeSUS HAPloid Christ!"
    "That's a good one."
    "Yeah it is, not mine though ... lifted it from a crazy Blogger in Alaska."

    Good enough?

    ReplyDelete
  58. You don't have to be old to remember that. I think you just have to be tapped into an alternate reality.. you know, the *actual* reality. Where things that happened, happened, and we have not always been at war with Eastasia.

    I wasn't even BORN until '72, and I slept/skipped/screwed around in pretty much every high school class I ever had. I ultimately dropped out. And EVEN I KNEW about The Catholic Scare with Kennedy. ;->

    APPARENTLY that is the key to actually acquiring historical perspective, though, because I swear to the IPU that I know more about US and world history (and current events, but I'm actually AWAKE now. Occasionally) than any of the "A" students who used to sneer at my slacker ways.

    Score one for the US public schools. If churning out ignorant sheeple is the goal, I guess I'm glad I dropped out early.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Jim,
    I've never had a pastor. I think i just found one in you. Yessiree, you are my new, no, first guide. As your disciple I promise to spread the word. Like any good sermon, your's are a smorgasbord of mental fodder. You give me better ammunition than the rusty stuff I've been firing with - and which occasionally backfires. My political path (sans the military life) is much like yours. Though I know how it happened, I am left with my head ascratchin' over why it happened that that Republican party of yore went, well, the Mad Hatter resides over a certain ritual that involves the drinking of leafy hot beverages. If I didn't find present day conservative attitudes so incredibly dangerous, I'd be laughing about it regularly. Your sermons remind me that I should be anyway. Yes, sweat the big stuff, but while you're at it, laugh your ass off - the comedy is right there, hanging low in the tree. Thank you for being you.

    ReplyDelete

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