Saturday, August 6, 2011

What Rick Perry Is Really Praying For

Dear God,

Despite the fact that making it rain in Texas was too much to ask you for, even though it would have saved lives, eliminated suffering for tens of thousands of your biggest and most devoted fans, and, let’s face it, been nothing but a simple wave of the hand for your supreme awesomeness. I mean, come on, a little rain? For the guy who created, you know, light? The Heavens and the Earth? All the living things that walk and crawl upon it and fly above it and swim in the big blue sea? You made, what? Volcanoes and Earthquakes and cats? I mean how goddamned – excuse me – hard could a little rain be?  But never mind that, praise Jesus. 

So, even though a little moisture was too much to ask for, we’re here today to ask you to shake your big magic God stick and fix our economy.

Yep, we’re asking you to take some time away from running the universe, making kittens and rainbows, keeping the sun burning, smiting the sinners, handing out cleft palates and giving children leukemia and all that stuff you do so well, and meddle directly in our economy. Yep.  That’s what we’re asking.  We’re asking this based on case law, you know, all those numerous examples in the Bible where your Awesome Munificence reached down and just made money and changed stock markets and fixed credit ratings and generated new industry from the dust and you know, shit like that. Could you do that? Because, man, that would be so cool.

Now, as you know, Awesome Super Magic God, America is your most favorite of all nations. Even though that’s not actually written down anywhere.  We know it’s true, you don’t have to say it.  Wink wink. We know.  So, I’m sure you’ll have no problem answering our prayers, even though you never actually answered the last one – not that I’m complaining, Praise Jesus.

Now, to fix our economy, you’ll have to fix like the whole world’s economy – and as long as you’re doing that, could you maybe fix the trade imbalance, kill all the Mooooslims, and maybe unleash a Deluge or a smiting on those fucking Chinamen? Oh oh oh! And the Mexicans too! Yeah.  That would be really awesome.  Also, we’ll need jobs, lots and lots of jobs.  And, um, could you magically fix our credit rating too? And give us, like, cheap oil or maybe atomic cars?  Oh, and as long as you’re at it, could you maybe turn down the fucking heat just a notch or two? Because seriously, it’s like Hades in West Texas. If you’re cold put on a sweater or something.

Also, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please just reach into the minds of everybody we disagree with and erase their brains? Then we’d like you reprogram them into believing everything we believe.  Because, man, it’s just so darned hard to deal with those people.  They keep using science and facts and brains and pointing out our logical fallacies.  They suck.  So, if you could just make them like us, that would be great.  Dear Stupendous Awesome Brain Squeezer, never mind the morality of turning everybody else in America into magic meat puppets, as long as we do it in Jesus name it’s totally ethical.

In return, we promise to hate gays, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, liberals, progressives, moderates, brown people, the poor, the aged, the infirm, science, history, Europe, Al Gore, George Soros and that fucking anti-Christ Obama. We’ll shout your praises, we’ll sing, we’ll roll on the floor and bark at the moon and only have sex in the missionary position on our birthdays after fasting and prayer and oh yeah, we also promise to just keep doing pretty much the same exact thing we’ve been doing – you know, being selfish greedy assholes – because we know how much that pleases your awesomeness.

So anyway, in summary, as your chosen ones and despite the fact that fixing our economy is well within our own capability without any kind of divine intervention at all, we’d really, really, really, really, like it if you could just make it all better without us having to do any actual work of any kind whatsoever, or compromise with anybody else, or do anything other than what we’ve been doing all along.  

Okay? Great.


Yours in humility, Rick.


P.S. I’d really like to be President. Oh and could I have a pony and a plastic rocket ship too? Thanks


P.P.S. We’re still waiting on that rain.


  1. Sweet fluffy Jesus - laughed until I almost passed out!

    Oh, please save me a deck chair on the fiery lake, because you are soooo going to ha-ell (that's pronounced hay-ell BTW...it's different than regular hell because there's no sweet tea involved).

  2. Well, Rick's asking the wrong person for the pony and the plastic rocket ship. So I doubt he'll get those!! (Thank you for the reference, Jim!! ^_^)

  3. I was wondering how many comments we'd go before somebody mentioned the pony and rocket ship reference.

    I love my fellow Browncoats. I do.

  4. Dear Rick Perry and all the "Christians" involved in the prayer rally:

    "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray in public places to be seen by others… But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your heavenly parent, who is unseen." (Matthew 6:5-6)

    Also, your "magic Jesus" theology isn't biblical, either.

  5. I gotta plastic rocket for him... and the motor to launch it with... now, just WHERE do we attach it to him for launching,,,

  6. Well, that prayer won't get answered. Rick was short 3 reallys there at the end. Everyone knows 7 is God's magic number.

  7. That bozo deserves all that ridicule and more. Keep up the good work. Defaulting may be awesome, but S&P's downgrade's gonna probably be REALLY awesome.

  8. Dammit, am I going to have to go rewatch the entire Firefly series again [sic] now, just so I can find the "pony & rocket ship" reference that I don't quite seem to remember? Please don't throw me in that briar bush!

  9. [image:flames]

    Dear Rick,

    Due to the spamming of prayer requests at football games and cheerleader tryouts the State of Texas has been placed in a temporary Denial of Service.

    This Denial of Service will continue until such time as prayer requests from Texas are in compliance with the manual and in proportion to the normal traffic from other Christian regions.

    Please not that an extended Denial of Service due to customer abuse with result in a Termination of Contract. Accounts may be settled by plagues of locusts, drought, flooding, wildfires, frogs, mosquitos, flies and hurricanes at the landlord's discretion.



  10. What an excellent post. This is so good it actually reminded me of Mark Twain's Letter to the Earth (in Letters From The Earth, look up a copy), in which the Recording Angel responds to the prayers of one Abner Scofield, Coal Dealer, Buffalo, New York. Seriously, your post is in the same class as that Twain piece, and I congratulate you!

  11. Randy,

    Jump to Serenity. There's a scene where some praying' is involved.

  12. Randy, what Anthony said, and remember - that's not incense.

  13. No, really, aren't you listening to me? I'll be forced to rewatch the whole series! What a terrible fate to befall me, oh woe is me! And if I have no idea in which episode/movie it occurs, I can't just skip ahead to the relevant one.

    So, if you'll pardon me, I'll just pretend I never read the previous two comments, now.

  14. Vince was close. I like to go with "(5) And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others... (7-8) And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." (Matthew 6)

    So, Ricky, 0 for 3.

  15. Considering the asshat doing the "Praise Jesus", I'd vote for the Hukd ohn Fawnicks translation of "Preys on Jeebus".

    Also, too-isn't it a "unicorn" and not a pony? Or is it a pony with a strangely shaped tumor?

    Christ on a cracker, the stupid just doesn't quit in Teckuz, does it?


    wv:" subkle"-that which Rick Perry ain't.

  16. Excellent!! I always pass your comments along to my most irreverent friends. They will love this. Thanks.

  17. Icky Ricky the Dicky prays with one eye open so he can see if anyone is falling for his scams.

    I live in Texas, and frankly, we're ready for him to go...

  18. @Randy, I believe the quote comes from The Train Job...no, wait, maybe it was Our Mrs Malcolm... wait, maybe it was Dead In Space. Hell, you know, now that I think about it, it might have been on the River interview outtakes on the extended edition blu-ray DVD. You're right, you'd better watch them all.

    @Steve, Vince, I've read both of your comments carefully, twice. If I'm correctly understanding what you're saying, then God hates gay people. Right?

  19. Jim, the Jesus hates the people we hate part is from the Gospel according to Dave. I don't have my standard translation with me, as surprise cat has me trapped in a purr cage.

  20. Ok, Steve, surprise cat has me trapped in a purr cage wins you an extra totally non-homoerotic man hug from Jesus tonight.

  21. And there I was, hoping the Rapture was really going to remove these self-righteous cretins from Earth and leave us heathens to engage in such demonically inspired pursuits as compromise as a means to solve our differences, the search for Social Justice, and a more balanced relationship with the Planet on which we dwell.

    So much for MY prayers being answered.

  22. End of 3rd paragraph: would so cool.

    I think you want to insert a "be"

  23. Firefly reference for the win! Love it!

  24. Taxus is a rather hard state to figure out... With an anti-Gay Texas A&M Yell Leader (with a 1.9 GPA) for governor and the bible belt politicians (sending all that money to New Mexico, Oklahoma and Louisiana casinos) yet they keep the children's healthcare and school lunches but cut millions from each school district. Because, I imagine, education are unimportant when you have an endowment! Oh and your property taxes are equal (or exceed) your mortgage payment!

  25. With an anti-Gay Texas A&M Yell Leader

    The esteemed Gov. Goodhair is anti-gay in the same way certain evangelists, former politicians and self-proclaimed heterosexuals are: to disguise their closet doors.

    That's been known in Texas for quite a few years.

  26. Well said. This guys scares the F**K out of me.

  27. @LarjMarj, this is a Navy blog, You can say "fuck" here. You may also spit on the mat and call the cat a bastard.

  28. Fer crissakes, Jim! If I'd realized you can say "fuck" in the Navy I might have considered alternate strategic approaches to my draft resistance. Or, maybe not, in light of your recent [url="http://www.stonekettle.com/2011/08/government-you-deserve.html"]exposition on the military mind[/url] for us messy, undisciplined civilians.

  29. I needed a laugh today...mission accomplished! Yhank you.


  30. But can I spit on the cat and call the bastard a mat?

    Decisions, decisions. Fuck it all, I'mma go watch Firefly.

  31. Ye gods, Jim, you give us this series of posts saying I am not posting much during the summer...
    I am in Graduate school - 3 classes in 8 weeks (if anybody has seen my brain, please tell it to report to the lobby...) Our &%$#...oh, screw it. FUCKING government has made a serious nasty mess in front of the whole world. I have been desperately tiptoeing around my Tea Party father dodging political discussions like all the plagues of Egypt, because my promise to my mother not to cut him off at the knees is wearing thinner every second...and I decide to check in at Stonekettle Station to see if you checked in between fly casting and wood working to post a thought on the mess in your usual take no prisoners style.
    And I discover I am 7 gorgeously vitriolic posts behind! *bangsheadonfloor*
    I have so many comments backed up now that will never be read, because they should be aimed at stuff numerous posts down! All I can say is Amen, amen, amen! to all of it.
    A few thoughts, cut randomly from the herd. Thanks for the break down of the national debt. While the loss of our AAA rating is NOT GOOD, it did put that in perspective a bit for me.
    A quote ran through my head somewhere down there, from a book by author David Weber (if you have not read Weber's books, Jim, run don't walk to the books store and indulge, PLEASE. You will love them!) from his book March to the Sea (second in a four books series. Start with March Upcountry, then March to the Sea, March to the Stars, and finally We Few. Then tackle the Honor Harrington multi-book series. Really. Please do!) Ok, the quote - "Democracies need militaries to protect them, but no effective military is a democracy" (chapter 21) Somehow it fit somewhere down there.
    Thank you for de-mythologizing our founding fathers "flawless" creation of the Constitution - would love to show that one to my dad; he's one of the Tom Jefferson wrote it single handedly kinda guys. On one hand, it was wasted on me because you were preaching to the choir on that one - but such a great sermon!
    The White Whale crash tore my guts out. Both for its reality and its metaphor.
    And finally, because there is so much more in my head thats logjammed up there, and I still, Ghu help me, have a final exam to write,
    OMG...the plastic rocket ship and the pony!!! Hallelujah, fellow brother Browncoat Jim! May the Buddha bless your heart forever!
    YES!!! May we always and forever aim to misbehave!

  32. Dang, stopped commenting too soon. A serious question - you advocate being a strong citizen, you advocate voting with brains, and not the backside, your advocate voting based on research, and getting the twits out of office instead of following political and religious ideological cant. Have freaking done this my entire life! Since the minute I could vote. Haven't always made the best choices since like all of us, they hand us the sacred right to vote while we're effectively still raw teenagers with no brains or life experience to back our thoughts up, but have always worked hard to vote my conscience as squarely as I could. Here's my problem...
    Occasionally we get a politician, that may be human and flawed, but still stands above the rest. Unfortunately, 99 % of my other choices are a pick between the lesser of two unmitigated ignorant evils. Or three or even four, spread out over other parties. I'd LOVE to vote the bastards out and get some honorable people in who understand true political process, compromise and conscience. Hell, I'd be happy to vote for a scoundrel if he was truly a scoundrel in good conscience and not driven by greed, extremism and Wall Street!
    The problem is, we have nothing really to work with in voting to change things. I vote my conscience, hard and full bore - and then most of the time, assuming my candidate makes it to office, its like watching someone who aped the actions and words of good person do a werewolf transformation into what I did not want to vote in, in the first place.
    Hell, I'm threatening to write in Chthulu...why vote for the lesser of two evils?
    Jim, seriously, you are dead right about civic responsibility and citizenship...and I will fight to my dying day at the polls for what I believe in.
    But we're not getting a lot of choice up there to work with. Seriously.

  33. @Cameron: Back in 2004, I altered the classic slogan to "Vote Cthulhu 2004 - I'll settle for the lesser evil!"

  34. ZING!

    Hahahaha! snort Hahahahaha!

    Your readers are funny too, as usual.

  35. P.P.P.S

    Oh yeah, and that Civil Rights stuff- make it didn't happen.

  36. Jim. When your a rich and famous writer. Don't stop turning. You will lose the "edge". Hone on.

  37. Be still my beating heart! Yet another posting I love! Rick Perry won't even carry the state of Texas - trust me. Even the Aggies are getting weary of his prostrations before whatever golden pony he thinks will get him into the White House. He's a dirty politician, son of sharecroppers, and egotistical and money grubbing as they come. And according to one other comment, I guess he's in the closet, too. That would explain the hair, and jogging with a pistol to shoot coyotes.

  38. Jim, off topic I know, but I live in Europe, and I can't figure out if 'fried butter on a stick' is a something real or a euphemism for something taboo & dirty, like, say, teabagging. Any help?

  39. This is America. You can get deep fried Ice cream on a stick that has hot fried batter on the outside and teeth cracking cold ice cream in the middle.

    Fried butter on a stick is not only not a challenge. I'm sure it's been done.

    Your link sir:

  40. Ah, well, Jim, when you are right, you are right. Perry for President? Not my vote.

  41. Praise the "fluffy" Jesus... I am SOOO glad that I read this one last tonight! I am smiling so hard my cheeks hurt! :) However, all sarcasm is completely understood and appreciated with great glee! :) So in the immortal words of another brave and outspoken journalist... "Goodnight and Good Luck!" and I can't, as usual, wait for another bit of supremely awesome snark from the twinkly keys of your computer genius...

  42. I dunno...I could actually get behind "taking the temp down a few notches" thingy. Thank you, Jeebus! Or maybe just the arrival of Fall would work.

    I mean, I know where I'm goin' but I don't feel the need to practice up before I arrive.

  43. Oh, this made me really really really happy. Thank you so much.

    I'm curious what you'll have to say about the winner of the Iowa straw poll, and her God-loving, dandy of a husband, as they too claim to get their marching orders directly from their mighty magic sky friend (Hallelujah).

  44. I laughed so hard I dropped a Cheeto.

    You owe me a Cheeto.


Comments on this blog are moderated. Each will be reviewed before being allowed to post. This may take a while. I don't allow personal attacks, trolling, or obnoxious stupidity. If you post anonymously and hide behind an IP blocker, I'm a lot more likely to consider you a troll. Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.