Fiscal conservatives, I'm one of those. National security conservatives, I'm one of those. Social conservatives, I'm one of those. And the Tea Party, I'm one of those!
That was Crazy Eyes Bachman in South Carolina this past week.
She used that phrase, or a variation, at each of her campaign stops.
It’s not a surprising statement given her history and clearly stated positions.
But it’s more than a little bizarre given her desire for the GOP nomination.
It’s a statement that says basically, hey, sure I’m a regressive puritan with an obsessive compulsion to impose my hypocritical evangelically mangled view of morality on your bedroom, marriage, education, thinking, and life –and despite how appealing that is to a certain segment of America, I’m also a card carrying member of the fevered pointy-hat wearing fanatic fringe, a proponent of fiscal policies that crashed our economy and brought disaster on the world, and I embrace the Bush doctrine of Kill ‘em all and let God sort it out because that has worked so well for us over the last decade.
The phrase is supposed to reach out to more than just her little niche of puckered sphincter clenchers.
Because, see, Bachman may be the bestest red white and blue genuine American patriot since Ron Captain America Reagan invented Democracy, but to actually win the Republican nomination for president she’ll have to appeal to more than just the hardliners and extremists. She’ll have to win over progressives and moderates too – i.e. those conservatives she keeps calling traitors and RINOs and unAmerican. You know, the majority of the Republican party.
The funny part is that she actually thinks she’ll reach those people with a statement that says, in essence, “I’m a right-wing extremist.”
Michelle Bachman believes that the only real Americans are the ones who think just like her and the rest, the majority of not only the country but her own party, clearly do not count, but she figures she can flim-flam them long enough to get the nomination.
Poor Michelle, if only it was as easy to reprogram regular conservatives as it is to straighten out gay people.
Of course, Bachman isn’t the only one trying to appear something she’s not – and failing at it.
Mittens Romney, in a blatant attempt to appeal to the same extremists Bachman is currently attempting distance herself from, announced this week with a straight face that the Tea Party has been good for Washington. Frankly I’m surprised he didn’t make that statement from a rowboat in the middle of the Potomac while wearing a pointy George Washington hat and brandishing a misspelled sign proclaiming Obama Tis Of Ye Old Devil.
The Tea Party is good for Washington DC about the same way food poisoning is good for the toilet paper industry.
TPer’s want to claim that they represent the average American and that their non-partisan goal is a smaller fiscally responsible government – and there may actually be some members of the movement who really, truly believe that horse pucky. But the obvious and overwhelming truth of the matter is that the Tea Party is composed almost exclusively of white Christian conservatives who, even before the formal inception of the movement, were highly partisan conservatives who then and now clamor wild-eyed for God in government. The Tea Party leaders may say that the movement’s goals are not religiously or politically motivated, but the rock throwers in the street have a different agenda.
There’s some real irony in a group of people who think they’re going to get less government intrusion in their lives by including God in government. I’ve been in countries run by religious extremists, including Christian ones, theocracy isn’t exactly big on personal freedom or letting you keep your money, but I digress.
Last June, Bachman claimed that the Tea Party was made up of sixty percent republicans, twenty percent independents, and twenty percent democrats. Notably she didn’t bother to back those figures up with any actual validated data. Probably because she pulled the numbers out of her boney white ass like well lubed love beads. Now, there are apparently democrats in the Tea Party, about nine to twelve percent, depending on which polling data you look at – the same percentage of democrats that coincidently voted for John McCain in the last election. The Tea Party trots these folks out at every opportunity along with Herman Cain, their one token non-white crazy rich guy.
More telling than polling numbers however are the Tea Party’s candidates.
Name one Tea Party backed freshman member of Congress who is a democrat.
If you look really hard on the local election level, you might find the one oddball Democrat endorsed by a local Tea Party chapter. But when you look at the so-called democrat candidate backed by the Tea Party, you find neither a liberal nor a conservative but rather a self serving conniving asshole who’ll say whatever he thinks will get him elected – you know, like Mittens. Take sometimes Democrat Jack Davis, who ran on the Tea Party ticket in the recent New York special elections. He ran three times before as a liberal, but this time suddenly he was a conservative (He got about nine percent of the vote and lost so badly that next time he’ll probably run on the Rent-Is-Too-Damned-High ticket just for laughs).
Like Herman Cain’s skin color in a frothing sea of pale mottled whiteness, the percentage of non-right wing extremists backed by the Tea Party is so low as to be utterly inconsequential. The folks who back Michelle Bachman are far more likely to vote for Cannibal Hitler’s Head in a Pickle Jar than a democrat.
Speaking of pickled heads, there’s Rick Perry, yet another Tea Party favorite who used to be a democrat before he and Jesus became drinking buddies.
No religious extremism there, no sir.
I don’t know which brand of booger eating crazy I find more unnerving, Perry’s pray-the-gay-away and give-us-some-rain-today theocracy or Bachman’s religion driven pseudo-science social engineering – together the two of them are like the second coming of Incurious George mixed up with eugenics and the lumpy art of phrenology.
Actually, come to think of it, eugenics and phrenology might just explain George the Pinheaded, but I digress.
Anyway, so far my favorite part of this carnival house of mirrors is the part where Rick Perry proclaimed he’ll make a dandy Commander in Chief because the troops will respect him for his vast military experience. I think I might have actually snorted chocolate milk through my nose at that. Funny how an Air Force shave-tail C-130 cargo pilot with three whole years of peacetime service should automatically command the unconditional respect of the US military, but somebody with three purple hearts, the silver star and the bronze star is a scumbag deserving of nothing but contempt – if he’s a democrat and happens to be, oh, say, John Kerry. That’s probably why Perry switched parties, so his military service would count for something. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this, given the number of TPer’s who show up here at Stonekettle Station and question my military service by making sneering references to the traitor Bradley Manning (which is a level of ignorance that boggles the mind, given my clearly stated position on that particular subject, but I’ve come to expect little in the way of rationality from these people). Perry claims he’ll get the economy moving again, he knows how to create jobs – just like in Texas where shitty minimum-wage jobs with no benefits in the oil industry are booming. Funny how Perry never seems to mention that those jobs were created by high gasoline prices and at the expense of every other state in the Union. What was Perry’s plan for scaling that up to the national level again? Drill for oil in Rhode Island? Fracking outstanding, folks.
Perry is the very epitome of the modern conservative: a religious fundamentalist who talks about liberty, a guy who claims to have created jobs in the technology sector while denying the most basic tenets of modern science, a politician who hates the federal government and yet aspires to its highest office, a man who claims to champion individual rights and freedoms and yet advocates Constitutional amendments that would deny those very rights and freedoms to a certain segment of the population, a lousy student who thinks he’s qualified to reform the education system, a man who claims to love America better than you and me and yet openly advocates seceding from the Union. This is a man who talks about how conservatives must stick together to win back their America and then he screws over the other members of his party by making his big announcement on the same day as the Ames Straw Poll – a page he apparently took from the Sarah Palin playbook, oh look, it’s the American Juggernaut of Patriotic American Freedom pulling into the parking lot. Will she declare? Yes? No? Or will she just run over the bandstand and crush her rivals? Ooooh, the suspense is killing us!
It’s a given that Republicans eat their young, but this kind of nonsense is getting a little out hand.
Pawlenty? At least he had the sense to fold.
Newt Gingrich? Is he actually still in the race? Or is he too busy screwing around on his third wife because he loves America so much? What’s the line? Put a flag over her face and do it for Old Glory? That’s Newt. I mean honestly, what’s this guy up to? Stealth may be good for fighter jets but it sure as hell isn’t a way to run a presidential campaign.
There’s Jon Huntsman, seemingly the only rational one in the Republican lineup – and doomed from the start though you have to admire his optimism.
Oops, I almost forgot Ron Paul. The guy with the magic mojo plan. Every time I see him on the news, he reminds me of one of those yappy little dogs old ladies carry around in their purse – the kind with the wiry hair and the little sweaters and that always seems to have some kind of skin disease and that black goopy crud in the corners of their eyes.
Maybe Christine O’Donnell will run, that would be fun – for about five minutes, right up until the first interview where she’s asked to explain one of her bizarre statements in more detail. Seriously, if there was ever a person who desperately needed to spend a long sweaty weekend in Cancun getting in some dirty barebacked jungle monkey sack time with a swarthy young guy named Manolo, it’s Christine O’Donnell.
Or Maybe The Donald will throw his toupee into the ring again. I see he’s back on the birther kick this week and frankly this race could use some humor.
So, where’s that leave us?
Extremists, paranoids, religious nuts, know-nothings, the usual conservative sexual bugaboos, moralizers, hair gel, war mongering, flying monkeys, and the second coming of Ross Perot.
Forty years ago Republicans were serious men in white shirts and somber ties, the guys with the buzz cuts and slide rules, scientists and engineers who got us to the moon and back – while the liberals danced naked in the Age of Aquarius dreaming their hippy dreams and rubbing magic crystals to cure their case of the clap.
Honest to Cthulhu, folks, what in the hell happened to the GOP?
Conservatives need to stop talking about taking their country back and work on taking back their party.