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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Upon The Sands of the Coliseum

 

And so it came to pass that Jon Huntsman declared for the White House.

His campaign was glorious while it lasted – all fifteen minutes of it – there was a speech before the Statue of Liberty, people shook hands and took pictures, balloons floated serenely into the cerulean sky, peace and good cheer filled the perfumed air, small brightly colored bunnies danced the Boogie-Woogie with joyous abandon upon a lush carpet of dark green grass, and the sound of flapping America flags was like the music made by rustling angel wings.

Also, there was cake.

And, for a brief moment, all was right with the world.

Then carnivorous flying monkeys rose up suddenly from a fiery rift in the earth and killed Huntsman.  The leather-winged beasts stripped the flesh from his  skeleton with horned claws and stuffed the bloody gobbets into their frightfully fanged mouths with gleeful relish.  His yellowed gnawed bones were then thrown into the angry gray sea beneath the baleful copper gaze of Lady Liberty.

And nobody shed a tear, not even the brightly colored bunnies.

 

The only person less likely than Jon Huntsman to be elected president in 2012 is Cannibal Hitler’s Preserved Head In A Jar, and frankly I might have to give Pickled Fuhrer the edge if it turns out that he once snorted cocaine flavored Jell-O shooters out of Michael Jackson’s hairless bellybutton while video of the event streamed live on Facebook – as long as he was later forgiven of his sin by Jesus. Voters love a zombified severed head who has found redemption and, of course, everybody digs the Thriller-era King of Pop.

 

But there is no redemption for Jon Huntsman.

To conservatives, his sins are myriad and unforgivable:

He’s a Mormon.  My God, he might as well be a Muslim. And in fact, there are now two Mormons in the GOP Conga-line – those insidious tie-wearing heretical bastards are taking over the country!  It’s only a matter of time until we’re chained to the yoke of Sharia  Mormon law and forced to … well, I don’t know what the Mormons will make us do exactly, but that doesn’t matter because Jesus hates them and their perfect hair and those oh so white smiles.

Even though he dropped out of high school to play keyboards in the Donny and Marie cover band Wizard, Jon Huntsman is still an elitist.  It’s a ploy, folks, don’t be fooled. Playing in a band is no different than going to Yale law school, any flying monkey can tell you that.  As conservative commenter Bobcat says on Yahoo, “Obama Clone! They both drink the same Kool AID another elitist!” Indeed, wise Bobcat, indeed.

He’s a moderate.  A communist Nazi moderate!  God, how true Republicans hate those filthy moderates. Another Yahoo commenter, Diogenes, says, “If the press labels him a ‘moderate,’ that means he’s a flaming liberal.” 

The fringe is the new middle, folks, write that down, there’ll be a test later.

Jon Huntsman hates babies.  He claims to be pro-life, but like his so-called religion, that’s just another lie. Proof? Well he audaciously refuses to sign the Susan B. Anthony List, the “pro-life presidential leadership pledge” promoted by real conservatives such as Michelle Bachman, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Cannibal Hitler’s Head in a Pickle Jar, and the great defender of life himself, Rick Santorum. Santorum is the veritable pimp John Hancock of pledge signers. Nothing shows true actual no-foolin’ patriotism and love of all God’s wee creatures like signing a pledge, in blood like a clubhouse of six-graders.  Isn’t that right, Newt? Newt? Hello, is this thing on? Never mind, who knows what a man who won’t sign a pledge is capable of? Huntsman likely performs late term abortions in his living room using nothing more than a Chinese made corkscrew while REO Speedwagon’s Riding The Storm Out drowns out the screams.

Jon Huntsman promotes the secret homosexual agenda. Yes, he actually believes that gay people are entitled to (almost) full citizenship under the Constitution.  Remember the brightly colored fuzzy bunnies? They’re all the colors of the rainbow, folks.  Oh, yes, they’re just like a big gay rainbow.

Huntsman is a RINO who once supported Cap’n Trade and believes that maybe we ought to do something about global climate change. Hell, this guy is more liberal than Barney Frank riding a pink polar bear to Al Gore’s tofu tasting party!

And of course, Huntsman worked for the Obama administration. 

In China.

The guy actually speaks two Chinese dialects, socialism and communism.

I don’t suppose the glowing letter of reference from his previous boss is going to do him much good with conservatives.

“I’m sure that him having worked so well for me will be a great asset in any Republican primary,” quipped President Obama at yesterday’s White House press conference.  The President then thanked Mitt Romney for inspiring Obamacare.

Well, at least Huntsman will look good to moderate Liberals, independents, and centrists, right? Especially those who are disappointed with President Obama but don’t have any real Democratic alternatives in 2012.

What?

Oh, that’s right, Huntsman worked for George Bush too, didn’t he?  Which Bush? Both of them and Ronald Reagan too, hell, Huntsmen might as well be that three-headed demon dog from Harry Potter.  Reagan, Bush, Bush the Lesser, and Obama, that’s one hell of a toxic resume Huntsman’s got there – defecting liberals are more likely to vote for that aforementioned rotting head in a pickle jar full of formaldehyde and onions.

Huntsman rides a Harley and loves motocross, the guy is practically a redneck.

A rich redneck. 

He’s heir to billions, he makes Cindy McCain look like the chain smoking curler crowned queen of the local trailer park, which is probably why John McCain doesn’t like him either.

 

Here’s the thing, of all the wrestlers currently on the mat, Jon Huntsman is the one candidate who could, conceivably, appeal to both sides of the aisle.  He’s the one guy who might, in a better America, be able to appeal to a broad swath of voters right down the middle of the American political scene.  If the TEA Party was actually the people they pretend to be, you know those folks who claim they’re tired of politics and tired of politicians and tired of political parties and tired of toxic political rhetoric, Jon Huntsman would be their candidate.  This is a guy who has served under both liberals and conservatives. He was a popular and successful governor who won re-election in Utah with 78% of the vote – not to mention that under his tenure Utah was deemed the “Best Managed State in America” by the Pew Research Center.  No other candidate can match his foreign policy acumen, and certainly not one has his detailed firsthand knowledge of our biggest and most powerful trade partner, military adversary, and holder of a significant fraction of our national debt.

Hell, Huntsman is even an Eagle Scout.

But, he’s far too liberal for conservatives.

And he’s far too conservative for liberals.

Maybe he could overcome that. 

But this morning, in front of the Statue of Liberty, he committed an unforgivable sin.  Beneath the shining symbol of America Jon Huntsman called for polite political discourse and promised to run a civil campaign.

Huntsman didn’t vilify his former boss, instead he claimed that both he and President Obama love their country, but have different visions for its future. 

As outrageous as that was, Huntsman went even further.  He crossed the line and said 2012 is about “who will be the better president, not who’s the better American.”

That’s when the crack appeared in the earth and an ominous rumbling began as the flying monkeys stirred in the fiery deep.

Huntsman said, "Our political debates today are corrosive and not reflective of the belief that Abe Lincoln espoused back in his day, that we are a great country because we are a good country."

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine a civil campaign.  Can you imagine how boring it would be? Without the vitriol and exaggerations? Without the lies and hyperbole? Who would we hate? Who would we cheer? 

Act like civilized adults?  That’s no democracy!

Americans don’t want civil discourse.

And they sure as hell don’t want to see candidates who refuse to engage in mudslinging, brawling, and fear mongering. Fight you bastards, don’t just stand there! Fight! Fight!

Americans don’t want moderates! We want extremists!

We demand to know who is the better American!

There can be only one.

 

Oh, and we want flying monkeys.

58 comments:

  1. I want flying monkeys, but the must be civil flying monkeys.

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  2. Lori ONeil HowellJune 21, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    I like Huntsman in general. However, he said he would support Paul Ryan's plan to kill medicare. That ended any support I might have mustered for Huntsman.

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  3. Ha, ha... you quoted Dio. He's going to feel like a legend.

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  4. Hey Lori,

    I'll lend him my jar of mustard. Seems like the civil thing to do.

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  5. Monkeys -and- cake. Woot! Guess we know who Lord Jim is voting for. LOL

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  6. You'd likely lose money if you took that bet, Gary.

    However, I do think that the GOP would do itself a rather big favor by courting more people like Jon Huntsman. They talk about common sense as if it was a magical super power and cry for Mavericks and freedom - but only embrace extremists who toe the party line. Hell, look what happened when Gingrich disagreed with the TEA party plan for turning Social Security into a voucher program. You want the conservative nomination, you better be a pro-gun, anti-abortion, charter school lovin, gay hating, god fearin, immigrant hatin, uneducated good old boy. The GOP has no room for independent thinkers.

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  7. You are too funny.

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  8. I want a civil flying monkey to bring me cake.

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  9. Reagan, Bush, Bush, & Obama? Really?

    You mean that his deep dark secret is that he's been serving his country?

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  10. Congatulations Jim Wright. With that post you are now officially this Aussies favourite commentator when it comes to US politics! Loved it. :-)

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  11. Screw the cake-I want gleeful relish, "Now with MORE yellowed gnarled bones!" And monkeys. Rainbow colored fuzzy monkeys with good teeth.

    knittingbull

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  12. Was there punch, along with the cake..? And did the flying monkeys defecate in the punchbowl..?

    Just askin', 'cause I'm thirsty.


    Now, slightly more seriously: This gun-totin' ex-military Republican would vote for Huntsman in a heartbeat. He actually reflects more of how I feel than all the rest of the candidates put together. Even if you used a blender.

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  13. The Smart Man and I were talking about this just last night - Huntsman is a Republican in the mold of Republicans that ran when I was actually a Republican.

    Which means, of course, that he's doomed from the start, since it's unlikely he'll ever don a tricorn hat or hold a sign of his former boss with a bone through his nose.

    That makes me sad, actually - it'd be nice to have a choice in the upcoming presidential election as opposed to "meh" and "Good God, are you fucking kidding me."

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  14. Compare this to the current *Foreign Policy* article on the downfall of the USSR.

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  15. @ Lori... they should be Civil Air Patrol Flying Mokeys!

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  16. What Janiece said. Exactly.

    Democrat should want intelligent and reasonable Republican candidates, and Republicans should demand the same of Democrats. Extremists are bad for everybody.

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  17. Actually, Democrats *DO* want intelligent and reasonable candidates. That's why we elected one to the Presidency in 2008. The problem we face with today's Republican Party is that they've become about ideology rather than intelligence and reasonableness, and thus as much fail as the *last* political party that was about ideology (in case you haven't noticed, the Soviet Union no longer exists, da?). That drives intelligent and reasonable Republicans into the Democratic party, where they yank the whole ship of state lurching to the right like a bird with one wing trying to fly. A bird needs two wings, both right and left, to fly, yo.

    As for the flying monkeys,as the Preznential race progresses they shall bury us all in flying monkey feces of obstruction, obfuscation, fabrications, and outright lies soon enough. The monkey crap is going to be piled so high and deep that you're gonna need a backhoe, a dump truck, and a respirator to get even a *glimpse* of truth while the flying monkey brigade is doing their thing. I'm looking forward to it like I'm looking forward to genital warts...

    - Badtux the Flying Monkey Observin' Penguin

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  18. This furthers my suspicion that this will be the election that splits the Republication party in half. Well, maybe in left and right ... of SANITY.

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  19. You had me at Mormon. I Google'd John Huntsman and saw that he was Governor of Utah. As far as the rest of America is concerned Utah is the Saudi Arabia of U.S. politics. You could convince people they wear burkhas in Utah in about five minutes.

    Nobody, but nobody, liberal or conservative is going to vote for a Utah Mormon for president. People would vote for some guy married to his 18-year-old-stepdaughter first. That they can understand; who doesn't want to bang an 18 year old cutie.

    But a Mormon? That has as much chance as a snowball in a blast furnace.

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  20. What? No cage match? Oh heck.

    Maybe if he recruits $arah "Bullseye" Palin as VP. [haha, I'm so funny. 'scuse me, gotta run so I can hurl off the deck instead of on it]

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  21. Here's the cake plan
    http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2011/04/red-velvet-sheet-cake/

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  22. Anon, recruiting Caribou Barbie didn't work so well for the last Republican Presidential candidate who tried it. But it's an idea, I suppose. I mean, it's not as if we'd have to worry about Caribou Barbie ever becoming President, in the unlikely event that a Huntsman-Palin ticket won, she'd resign within two years to pursue a new book deal and reality show.

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  23. CAP monkeys? Hell, they should be USAF civilian monkeys. And drop cluster bombs with bomblets made of unicorns, rainbows, kittens, and glitter.

    The water balloon weapons will be used upon extremists of all variety.

    AFAIK, the Religious Right thinks Mormons are second only to Catholics when it comes to heretical, imitation Christians.

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  24. Wait, we now have TWO Mormon guys in suits coming around, door to door, leaving literature and asking us for a commitment.

    Son of a bitch. I knew I should have voted for those no soliciting laws.

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  25. Oh, and what Janiece said as well. Sorry, John, you're a Democrat now.

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  26. Steve Buchheit They aren't soliciting, they have a Constitutional Right to ring your doorbell, you can thank The Watchtower Society for that.

    You can put a 'no missionaries' sign on your door, but they are not obliged to pay attention. The are supposed to leave if asked.

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  27. This is why I prefer pump shotguns. The Mossberg Mil500A has a nice loud sound. Cycle the action as you open the door and you never have to ask them to leave. They just do. Quickly.

    And they never come back.

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  28. A 100-lb wolf with his hackles up and teeth bared has much the same effect. He has this wonderful bass growl when he's defending the house.

    That guy who wandered into my house by mistake? I think he must have teleported out, he was gone so fast.

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  29. This being a family blog I will not discuss my first wife's method of dealing with this, but it worked and they didn't come back.

    In the cities owning a long gun can be more of a pain than it is worth and wolves eat so much.

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  30. A male friend used to open the door naked. Worked quite well for him.

    The wolfie does eat a lot, but he sleeps on my feet. He's a multipurpose wolfie.

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  31. The best response to Mormons at the door that I have run across came from a friend of a friend back about '91-'92. She was a bit of a stereotypical neopagan - she tended to wear long, flowing dresses with lots of silver jewelry.

    She got home exhausted from work one day and had lit some incense and put on some rhythmic music to relax when her doorbell rang. She opened it to see two Mormons on her doorstep.

    They were a bit taken aback with her appearance and hesitatingly started their speil, when the CD broke unto a long, wailing undulation. She reached forward and grabbed one of their arms and said earnestly "Are you a virgin? I could really use a virgin"

    The two turned and ran

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  32. Some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door and asked if I read the Bible. I lied, "Only the Old Testament, I'm Jewish." They left immediately. Mormons would not get the same treatment. I have a lot more respect for them.
    Badtux, why wouldn't she stay Veep?
    There's nothing to the job, and there is always that chance. Shudder.

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  33. John - the Snowbilly from Wasilly is a grifter. Political office is a nice intro to new people to grift off of, but actually *holding* political office tends to involve too many things like "ethics investigations" plus interfere with her ability to say "You betcha!" for dough. That's why she resigned as governor of Alaska, a perfect position for a grifter except it started interfering with her grifting...

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  34. They aren't soliciting

    Well Steve, many years ago I lived next to the entry of a condo complex. 3 JW's knocked on the door and didn't take the German Shepherd's suggestion they leave.

    So I secure the dog and answer the door. They start their script. I stop them and ask them to go read the sign beside my car by the entrance. The youngest does.

    "Private property - no soliciting - violators will be prosecuted."

    They protest they are not soliciting. Yes, I tell them, you are soliciting your religion and if you don't leave the property I will call the police and have you arrested for trespassing. And shut the door in their faces.

    Let the dog back into the living room to jump at the front window. They actually stood there and gawked as I picked up the phone and started dialing. They still didn't move until they saw me talking. Then they quickly walked back to their car on the main road.

    And I had a good laugh with the neighbor I'd called! Funny thing was none of them came back for months.

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  35. JW used to come to my door. My boyfriend told them they had 3 seconds to get to the street, then my 6 100 lb. dogs were coming out the door after them (as the dogs were slathering at the screen door).

    Once a woman came to discuss the Bible with an approx 7 yr. old boy in full dress suit as protection. It was about 95 degrees on a hot, humid day in Central IL. I went out and started talking. When she got to the part about the second coming, I told her God didn't need to ride down on a lightening bolt to destroy us, we were doing a fine job of destroying the planet, the air, the water, the animals, the Eden he gave us, all by ourselves. He was just watching us do it to ourselves with his arms crossed. She then took that poor sweaty boy and left.

    Becky

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  36. Can I use flying monkeys instead of clay pigeons for skeet practice? and I prefer my Remington 1100 auto...

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  37. Is it true there's a movement afoot to allow women to drive in Utah?

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    1. Only if they aren't preggers...

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  38. Aren't they all rich? Thought that was a prerequisite to get elected to anything nowadays.

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  39. I think I need a cigarette after that...

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  40. Arakasi said...

    Criminy Jeebus! That was AWESOME!!


    knittingbull

    wv: preso-starched and ironed spaghetti sauce for
    fundamen-aw, fuck it, they're mainly mental.

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  41. Sheesh, I was just thinking I hadn't missed a thing after spending a week in Yellowstone with no tv, no computer and no phone.

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  42. So, when did this degenerate to Mormon and Jehova Witness bashing? Isn't there room for everyone in civil discourse? Yes I'm LDS... but it drives me nuts regardless of the religion in question, when its specific adherents that are the ones people have gripes about.

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  43. Sean, nobody is bashing either Mormons or Witnesses beliefs.

    What was being bashed was Mormon and Witness missionaries who persist in invading other people's privacy. It's really just that simple, if you come onto my private property in spite of specific posted warnings to leave me alone, attempt to sell me your belief system while obviously and blatantly disrespecting my beliefs, then you should expect a certain amount of bashing.

    LDS, Witnesses, and evangelicals see nothing wrong with attempting to force their religion onto others through threats, intimidation, or persistent harassment (and that's exactly what it is when you come to my door, invade my privacy, and threaten me with your version of Hell and damnation) - but then petulantly complain when others find those actions obnoxious. If you don't like how your religion is perceived, then stop acting like a fucking tool.

    Note that nobody, including me, said "I hate those filthy Mormons" or "I sure wouldn't vote for a filthy Mormon" or "Boy, you just can't trust those filthy Mormons." Do please note however that "I hate those filthy Muslims" or "I would never vote for a filthy atheist" or "You can't trust those filthy homos" are quite common statements from members of the Church of Later Day Saints. I don't know what the equivalent of the Christian parable regarding a certain mote, beam, and eye is in the LDS canon, but I would refer you to it.

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    1. I won't vote for a Mormon, period. But that's only because the religion was used to purposely discriminate against me, as a woman, in the workplace. Before that, I could be just as live-and-let-live as the next person. I was more inclined to look at the whole person before deciding their value as an individual. After that happened, I have no trouble offering them the same level of discrimination and intolerance that I received.

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  44. I can't speak for JW's, but if an LDS missionary comes to your door, and you've got signs (and I trust you do) then bash away. In no way are they to ignore your wishes to be left alone. Let me know, and I'll call their mission leader personally.

    If you've left no indication, how the hell is someone to know that a knock at the door is unwelcome? For those of you who are not Jim, and you find them at your door, a simple no thank you is supposed to sufficient.

    To your point about LDS, evangelicals, etc. forcing their belief system on others, history is repleat with such incidents. Unfortunately, its the perview of human nature to hold that ones believes are better then their neighbors. As i pointed out, the issue is generally with individials who are so insecure they have to bully others.

    Prejudice is also the perview of human nature. I, for one, have never uttered any such statments as you proscribe. It would be a fallicy to ascribe that negative sentiment to all Mormons. I know plenty of folks who do not feel that way (and unfortunately too many others who do). Its the loudmouth bigots that make the news (or don't read their own canon). The LDS church has worked hard to come to grips with homosexuality and accept it for what it is, part of the human condition. The problem, as always, is small minded people.

    Lastly, being LDS doesn't preclude someone from being an asshole. The world is full of them.

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  45. Sean, you seem like a reasonable fellow. So does both Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman, and for that matter I've met more than a few Mormons who I would welcome into my home - but overall the actions of your religion belie your statement. You have to look no further than the vast amounts of money and organization wielded specifically by the Mormon Church support of Prop 8 in California.

    That said, I absolutely agree that the decent people in a movement, religion, or organization pay the price for the inevitable handful of loud mouthed assholes.

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  46. Anybody with questions about the Mormon faith might take a look at the exmormon.org website as well as looking at the official Mormon church material. I'm not saying that any religious belief is perfect but this particular one frightens and concerns me.

    I can't agree with any statement referring to "filthy Mormons"; on the contrary it's the sterility of their mental landscape that bothers me.

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  47. I'm not too happy with the way Prop 8 went down to be honest, it was way too heavy handed (and superceeded by NY's new law).

    As a counterpoint, LDS and other religions are concerned primarily because marriage is one of the only instituions that intertwine the legal and religious. In california, pretty much any elected official, judge, and many civil servants can legally marry a couple. Religious types looked like they was added as an afterthought.

    Because of the legal aspect, it wouldn't take much to preclude a religion from performing such ceremonys if one doesn't conform to other legal constraints.

    If I had my druthers, I'd like to see the legal and religious parts separated. There is no reason on God's green earth, in the 21st century, that anyone should be precluded from 'life, liberty, and the persuit of happiness'.

    This is a sore point with me, primarily because way too many people (religious or otherwise) seem fit to want their version of right be the only version of right

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  48. I agree with Sean. I would like to see the religious and civil portions of marriages separated. I would go so far as to say both parties of a civil marriage contract should be required to pass a comprehensive exam as to the benefits, requirements and legal penalties that go along with such a contract.

    Marriages by religious authorities should have no force of law. It's a clear intrusion on both the offices of religion and state that they do so now. I believe in very strict separation of church and state.

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  49. And that is the case elsewhere. I was married, in England, in a Greek Orthodox church with the intention of pacifying my wife's parents. That, however, was purely ceremonial as the mariage had no legal binding. We had to legalise the marriage at a registry office seperately. In the UK, as in many other countries, a priest cannot legally marry anyone unless they are also a licensed registrar which I think is an excellent system.

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  50. Wait. Now that you mention it, didn't you also serve under Reagan, Clinton & both Bushes? You mean I've been following the blog of a neo-conserberal commuscist all this time? I have yet to nail down my guess as to who you're voting for, but I'm leaning toward the head in a jar.

    Or one of the multi-colored bunnies.

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  51. I want that head in the jar...I'm taking it to the voting site with me in lieu of a photo ID.

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    Replies
    1. That statement was a slice of perfection

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  52. 1. What Janiece and BadTux said.
    2. I married into a family of Mormons, and while I almost certainly don't agree politically with most of them, I do trust them.
    3. Jim, you used the word "myriad" properly. You are indeed a god.

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