And so it came to pass that Jon Huntsman declared for the White House.
His campaign was glorious while it lasted – all fifteen minutes of it – there was a speech before the Statue of Liberty, people shook hands and took pictures, balloons floated serenely into the cerulean sky, peace and good cheer filled the perfumed air, small brightly colored bunnies danced the Boogie-Woogie with joyous abandon upon a lush carpet of dark green grass, and the sound of flapping America flags was like the music made by rustling angel wings.
Also, there was cake.
And, for a brief moment, all was right with the world.
Then carnivorous flying monkeys rose up suddenly from a fiery rift in the earth and killed Huntsman. The leather-winged beasts stripped the flesh from his skeleton with horned claws and stuffed the bloody gobbets into their frightfully fanged mouths with gleeful relish. His yellowed gnawed bones were then thrown into the angry gray sea beneath the baleful copper gaze of Lady Liberty.
And nobody shed a tear, not even the brightly colored bunnies.
The only person less likely than Jon Huntsman to be elected president in 2012 is Cannibal Hitler’s Preserved Head In A Jar, and frankly I might have to give Pickled Fuhrer the edge if it turns out that he once snorted cocaine flavored Jell-O shooters out of Michael Jackson’s hairless bellybutton while video of the event streamed live on Facebook – as long as he was later forgiven of his sin by Jesus. Voters love a zombified severed head who has found redemption and, of course, everybody digs the Thriller-era King of Pop.
But there is no redemption for Jon Huntsman.
To conservatives, his sins are myriad and unforgivable:
He’s a Mormon. My God, he might as well be a Muslim. And in fact, there are now two Mormons in the GOP Conga-line – those insidious tie-wearing heretical bastards are taking over the country! It’s only a matter of time until we’re chained to the yoke of
Sharia Mormon law and forced to … well, I don’t know what the Mormons will make us do exactly, but that doesn’t matter because Jesus hates them and their perfect hair and those oh so white smiles.
Even though he dropped out of high school to play keyboards in the Donny and Marie cover band Wizard, Jon Huntsman is still an elitist. It’s a ploy, folks, don’t be fooled. Playing in a band is no different than going to Yale law school, any flying monkey can tell you that. As conservative commenter Bobcat says on Yahoo, “Obama Clone! They both drink the same Kool AID another elitist!” Indeed, wise Bobcat, indeed.
He’s a moderate. A communist Nazi moderate! God, how true Republicans hate those filthy moderates. Another Yahoo commenter, Diogenes, says, “If the press labels him a ‘moderate,’ that means he’s a flaming liberal.”
The fringe is the new middle, folks, write that down, there’ll be a test later.
Jon Huntsman hates babies. He claims to be pro-life, but like his so-called religion, that’s just another lie. Proof? Well he audaciously refuses to sign the Susan B. Anthony List, the “pro-life presidential leadership pledge” promoted by real conservatives such as Michelle Bachman, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Cannibal Hitler’s Head in a Pickle Jar, and the great defender of life himself, Rick Santorum. Santorum is the veritable pimp John Hancock of pledge signers. Nothing shows true actual no-foolin’ patriotism and love of all God’s wee creatures like signing a pledge, in blood like a clubhouse of six-graders. Isn’t that right, Newt? Newt? Hello, is this thing on? Never mind, who knows what a man who won’t sign a pledge is capable of? Huntsman likely performs late term abortions in his living room using nothing more than a Chinese made corkscrew while REO Speedwagon’s Riding The Storm Out drowns out the screams.
Jon Huntsman promotes the secret homosexual agenda. Yes, he actually believes that gay people are entitled to (almost) full citizenship under the Constitution. Remember the brightly colored fuzzy bunnies? They’re all the colors of the rainbow, folks. Oh, yes, they’re just like a big gay rainbow.
Huntsman is a RINO who once supported Cap’n Trade and believes that maybe we ought to do something about global climate change. Hell, this guy is more liberal than Barney Frank riding a pink polar bear to Al Gore’s tofu tasting party!
And of course, Huntsman worked for the Obama administration.
The guy actually speaks two Chinese dialects, socialism and communism.
I don’t suppose the glowing letter of reference from his previous boss is going to do him much good with conservatives.
“I’m sure that him having worked so well for me will be a great asset in any Republican primary,” quipped President Obama at yesterday’s White House press conference. The President then thanked Mitt Romney for inspiring Obamacare.
Well, at least Huntsman will look good to moderate Liberals, independents, and centrists, right? Especially those who are disappointed with President Obama but don’t have any real Democratic alternatives in 2012.
Oh, that’s right, Huntsman worked for George Bush too, didn’t he? Which Bush? Both of them and Ronald Reagan too, hell, Huntsmen might as well be that three-headed demon dog from Harry Potter. Reagan, Bush, Bush the Lesser, and Obama, that’s one hell of a toxic resume Huntsman’s got there – defecting liberals are more likely to vote for that aforementioned rotting head in a pickle jar full of formaldehyde and onions.
Huntsman rides a Harley and loves motocross, the guy is practically a redneck.
A rich redneck.
He’s heir to billions, he makes Cindy McCain look like the chain smoking curler crowned queen of the local trailer park, which is probably why John McCain doesn’t like him either.
Here’s the thing, of all the wrestlers currently on the mat, Jon Huntsman is the one candidate who could, conceivably, appeal to both sides of the aisle. He’s the one guy who might, in a better America, be able to appeal to a broad swath of voters right down the middle of the American political scene. If the TEA Party was actually the people they pretend to be, you know those folks who claim they’re tired of politics and tired of politicians and tired of political parties and tired of toxic political rhetoric, Jon Huntsman would be their candidate. This is a guy who has served under both liberals and conservatives. He was a popular and successful governor who won re-election in Utah with 78% of the vote – not to mention that under his tenure Utah was deemed the “Best Managed State in America” by the Pew Research Center. No other candidate can match his foreign policy acumen, and certainly not one has his detailed firsthand knowledge of our biggest and most powerful trade partner, military adversary, and holder of a significant fraction of our national debt.
Hell, Huntsman is even an Eagle Scout.
But, he’s far too liberal for conservatives.
And he’s far too conservative for liberals.
Maybe he could overcome that.
But this morning, in front of the Statue of Liberty, he committed an unforgivable sin. Beneath the shining symbol of America Jon Huntsman called for polite political discourse and promised to run a civil campaign.
Huntsman didn’t vilify his former boss, instead he claimed that both he and President Obama love their country, but have different visions for its future.
As outrageous as that was, Huntsman went even further. He crossed the line and said 2012 is about “who will be the better president, not who’s the better American.”
That’s when the crack appeared in the earth and an ominous rumbling began as the flying monkeys stirred in the fiery deep.
Huntsman said, "Our political debates today are corrosive and not reflective of the belief that Abe Lincoln espoused back in his day, that we are a great country because we are a good country."
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine a civil campaign. Can you imagine how boring it would be? Without the vitriol and exaggerations? Without the lies and hyperbole? Who would we hate? Who would we cheer?
Act like civilized adults? That’s no democracy!
Americans don’t want civil discourse.
And they sure as hell don’t want to see candidates who refuse to engage in mudslinging, brawling, and fear mongering. Fight you bastards, don’t just stand there! Fight! Fight!
Americans don’t want moderates! We want extremists!
We demand to know who is the better American!
There can be only one.
Oh, and we want flying monkeys.