Ain’t technology wonderful?
Here in the shiny 21st Century, we don’t yet have flying cars or atomic sex robots, but we do have intelligent phones. We’ve got smart phones and genius iPads and brilliant tablets.
And the best part? Apps.
You can download an app that will not only make your phone more useful, but will make you into a more successful human being.
I read an article this morning about Apps for Socially Awkward People. We’re talking about free applications for your phone or network device that will make you taller, better looking, more confident, and a hit with the opposite sex (or the same sex depending on your target demographic - just be careful to download the right version of the app or you could end up with an awkwardness multiplier, just saying).
Picture it: You’re wandering aimlessly down the street, dateless and without prospects, your buddies have ditched you for a couple of drunken Russian circus acrobats and it’s looking like yet another Friday night home alone with a can of instant frosting and the rubber chicken – suddenly your Blackberry begins vibrating suggestively in your pocket! The BlueBalls app has made contact with CougarProwl.net. You whip out your phone and Google Maps directs you to a bar with the Viagra fueled strains of desperation (or maybe that’s Neil Diamond, it’s hard to tell) thundering in the background. Through a fog of Pall Mall smoke you spot your target and your phone whispers possible pickup lines into your ear via Bluetooth as you make your final approach, “Lance Savage, big game hunter, cross country skier, I’m a Leo, how about you, Babe? Bartender! I’ll have a Shirley Temple, extra Shirley if you know what I mean!” Score! This is what it must be like to be Charlie Sheen! Thank you, Motorola!
The next article I read was about last Monday night’s GOP Presidential “debate.”
Seriously? I’ve had Hooter’s buffalo hot wings that were more exciting than that dog and pony show. Hell, I’ve had buffalo hot wings that came out the next day a lot more exciting than that so-called debate. These people have all the charisma of week old tofurky loaf – though in Newt’s case I can sort of see it since there’s a strong physical resemblance, especially around the jowls. I mean, come on, the biggest argument was who had the better hair, Romney or Bachman (my money’s on Mittens).
But, you know, I’m nothing if not an idea man and that’s when the synergy hit me.
What these people need, I thought, are some apps. Apps for the socially awkward presidential candidate (of course, they couldn’t be free, because that would be socialism…):
Bloviator: The extreme(ist) quote generator. A far right quote of the day, downloaded fresh from the Glenn Beck website. Apply in any situation, relevant or not. “And thank you for that question about how I would encourage economic growth, Mr. Moderator and I’d just like to say … (glance surreptitiously at phone) … liberals in New York are trying to ban fried food because they hate business! (wait for applause) Also, buy gold.”
PATROIT Transfudiator!!! Allows the potential candidate to write Fundamentalist like a boss. Converts standard grammar into patriotic capitalization and misspellings. Random punctuation function including unlimited exclamation points. Automatically inserts “LOL,” “JESUS,” and assorted racial slurs. Converts periods into serial ellipsis. Never look like an over educated elitist again!
“I enjoy intelligent political dialog and would welcome a chance to discuss the issues that face our nation with you”
translated into Tea Party equals:
Right Wingman: uses your phone’s camera and facial recognition software to scan the web for the identity of any potential hookup along the campaign trail and alerts the user if said hottie appears to be a) a dude, b) a member of the media, or c) Arnold Schwarzenegger. A plug-in for detecting foreign agents will be available in 2016.
Right Turn Only: A plug-in navigator function for Yahoo Maps. Uses your phone’s motion sensor and sounds an alarm if you appear to be veering left…
Obamatron: Random presidential sound-bite generator, “Obama is why Baskin-Robbins doesn’t have 32 flavors.”
Do-Over: History Interpreter. “The Titanic sank because all the lazy poor liberals in steerage dragged it down, just like they’re sinking the American economy today. See, the iceberg was coming to take our 3rd Amendment rights and the ship couldn’t turn because labor unions were jamming the rudder. Trust me on this, I know my history.”
Outrage! The Patriotic Offense Alarm. Advises candidates when something is offensive to America. “Al Gore invented the internet, that’s why every address ends in .’com.’ Com = Communist! No American should be forced to use communism! If I’m elected I will issue an immediate executive order to change all web domains to .USA!”
Goal Post Mover: Automatically changes the subject when the candidate is backed into a corner. “Osama Bin Ladin? Sure, but what I want to know is why hasn’t Obama done something about the loud Cicadas in Michigan? Because he’s weak on hearing protection for our children that’s why! Obama hates children! And children are America’s future. Well Sir, I’m not going to stand here and listen to you bad mouth the United States of America!”
Magic Eight Ball: The Federal Budget Cutter Campaign Slogan Generator. Simply shake your iPhone for a random computer generated one sentence solution to the debt crisis. “End the Fed!” “Mawr Jobs!” “Nuke China!” “No Taxation Without Representation!” “Feed the homeless to the hungry!” or the ever popular, “Ask Again Later”
PoorSquare: Uses GPS and advanced credit checking to warn candidates when they are approaching concentrations of poor people. With the deluxe version, you get Gaydar and the all new Islam-O-Fascist Detector.
FlipFlopper: I was for it before I was against it. Uses the phone’s position sensor to determine the candidate’s political position depending on the phone’s orientation and which way the wind is blowing. Not to be confused with BackPedal: I’m sorry you misunderstood what I said. Note, Tim Pawlenty was using a Beta version of this app the other night when he attempted to answer questions about Obamneycare, those bugs have been fixed. Mostly.
Cherry Picker: Randomly assembled words that sound like quotes from the founding fathers that can be used to justify any political position. “George Jefferson was talking about Einstein’s famous Fear Of Relatives when he said the Tea of Liberty must be refreshed with the blood of turnips, which as you know proves this nation was founded by Christians.”
CrapShoot: A Paypal add-on that gives current Vegas odds and allows you to place bets on whether or not Sarah Palin will throw you under her bus.
Constitutionalizer: Instantly find constitutional justification for even the most cockamamie position. Also, the Biblizer.
Regular Joe: Make yourself more cool and appealing to the average voter. Put in basic crowd parameters (white, evangelical, Texas), get an instant new you! “According to my phone, I love light beer, country music, and working on cars – that is when me and my secessionist militia buddies aren’t out ‘repatriating’ illegal aliens with our AK-47s… wait, that’s not right, what the hell? White? I meant to enter Hispanic, God damned autocorrect!” Includes a list of previous addictions you’ve overcome with the help of AA, Jesus, or Chuck Norris.
TweetScuse: The Social Media Excuse Generator. “I accidentally tweeted a picture of my shaved balls to the Facebook Prepubescent Blond Boys Club page because my camera phone butt-dialed in my pocket when I kneeled down in church to pray for gay people to get straight. I guess I just love Jesus too much.”
Now you try.