Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Essential Apps For The 2012 Presidential Candidate


Ain’t technology wonderful?

Here in the shiny 21st Century, we don’t yet have flying cars or atomic sex robots, but we do have intelligent phones. We’ve got smart phones and genius iPads and brilliant tablets. 

And the best part? Apps. 

You can download an app that will not only make your phone more useful, but will make you into a more successful human being.

It’s true.

I read an article this morning about Apps for Socially Awkward People.  We’re talking about free applications for your phone or network device that will make you taller, better looking, more confident, and a hit with the opposite sex (or the same sex depending on your target demographic - just be careful to download the right version of the app or you could end up with an awkwardness multiplier, just saying). 

Picture it: You’re wandering aimlessly down the street, dateless and without prospects, your buddies have ditched you for a couple of drunken Russian circus acrobats and it’s looking like yet another Friday night home alone with a can of instant frosting and the rubber chicken – suddenly your Blackberry begins vibrating suggestively in your pocket!  The BlueBalls app has made contact with CougarProwl.net. You whip out your phone and Google Maps directs you to a bar with the Viagra fueled strains of desperation (or maybe that’s Neil Diamond, it’s hard to tell) thundering in the background. Through a fog of Pall Mall smoke you spot your target and your phone whispers possible pickup lines into your ear via Bluetooth as you make your final approach, “Lance Savage, big game hunter, cross country skier, I’m a Leo, how about you, Babe? Bartender! I’ll have a Shirley Temple, extra Shirley if you know what I mean!” Score! This is what it must be like to be Charlie Sheen! Thank you, Motorola!

The next article I read was about last Monday night’s GOP Presidential “debate.”


Seriously?  I’ve had Hooter’s buffalo hot wings that were more exciting than that dog and pony show. Hell, I’ve had buffalo hot wings that came out the next day a lot more exciting than that so-called debate.  These people have all the charisma of week old tofurky loaf – though in Newt’s case I can sort of see it since there’s a strong physical resemblance, especially around the jowls. I mean, come on, the biggest argument was who had the better hair, Romney or Bachman (my money’s on Mittens).

But, you know, I’m nothing if not an idea man and that’s when the synergy hit me.

What these people need, I thought, are some apps.  Apps for the socially awkward presidential candidate (of course, they couldn’t be free, because that would be socialism…):


Bloviator: The extreme(ist) quote generator.  A far right quote of the day, downloaded fresh from the Glenn Beck website. Apply in any situation, relevant or not.  “And thank you for that question about how I would encourage economic growth, Mr. Moderator and I’d just like to say … (glance surreptitiously at phone) … liberals in New York are trying to ban fried food because they hate business! (wait for applause) Also, buy gold.”

PATROIT Transfudiator!!! Allows the potential candidate to write Fundamentalist like a boss.  Converts standard grammar into patriotic capitalization and misspellings. Random punctuation function including unlimited exclamation points. Automatically inserts “LOL,” “JESUS,” and assorted racial slurs. Converts periods into serial ellipsis.  Never look like an over educated elitist again!

For example:

“I enjoy intelligent political dialog and would welcome a chance to discuss the issues that face our nation with you”

translated into Tea Party equals:


Right Wingman: uses your phone’s camera and facial recognition software to scan the web for the identity of any potential hookup along the campaign trail and alerts the user if said hottie appears to be a) a dude, b) a member of the media, or c) Arnold Schwarzenegger.  A plug-in for detecting foreign agents will be available in 2016.

Right Turn Only: A plug-in navigator function for Yahoo Maps.  Uses your phone’s motion sensor and sounds an alarm if you appear to be veering left…

Obamatron: Random presidential sound-bite generator, “Obama is why Baskin-Robbins doesn’t have 32 flavors.”

Do-Over: History Interpreter. “The Titanic sank because all the lazy poor liberals in steerage dragged it down, just like they’re sinking the American economy today. See, the iceberg was coming to take our 3rd Amendment rights and the ship couldn’t turn because labor unions were jamming the rudder. Trust me on this, I know my history.”

Outrage! The Patriotic Offense Alarm.  Advises candidates when something is offensive to America. “Al Gore invented the internet, that’s why every address ends in .’com.’  Com = Communist!  No American should be forced to use communism! If I’m elected I will issue an immediate executive order to change all web domains to .USA!”

Goal Post Mover: Automatically changes the subject when the candidate is backed into a corner.  “Osama Bin Ladin? Sure, but what I want to know is why hasn’t Obama done something about the loud Cicadas in Michigan? Because he’s weak on hearing protection for our children that’s why! Obama hates children! And children are America’s future. Well Sir, I’m not going to stand here and listen to you bad mouth the United States of America!”

Magic Eight Ball: The Federal Budget Cutter Campaign Slogan Generator. Simply shake your iPhone for a random computer generated one sentence solution to the debt crisis. “End the Fed!” “Mawr Jobs!” “Nuke China!” “No Taxation Without Representation!” “Feed the homeless to the hungry!” or the ever popular, “Ask Again Later”

PoorSquare: Uses GPS and advanced credit checking to warn candidates when they are approaching concentrations of poor people. With the deluxe version, you get Gaydar and the all new Islam-O-Fascist Detector.

FlipFlopper: I was for it before I was against it. Uses the phone’s position sensor to determine the candidate’s political position depending on the phone’s orientation and which way the wind is blowing. Not to be confused with BackPedal: I’m sorry you misunderstood what I said.  Note, Tim Pawlenty was using a Beta version of this app the other night when he attempted to answer questions about Obamneycare, those bugs have been fixed. Mostly.

Cherry Picker:  Randomly assembled words that sound like quotes from the founding fathers that can be used to justify any political position.  “George Jefferson was talking about Einstein’s famous Fear Of Relatives when he said the Tea of Liberty must be refreshed with the blood of turnips, which as you know proves this nation was founded by Christians.”

CrapShoot: A Paypal add-on that gives current Vegas odds and allows you to place bets on whether or not Sarah Palin will throw you under her bus.

Constitutionalizer: Instantly find constitutional justification for even the most cockamamie position.  Also, the Biblizer.

Regular Joe: Make yourself more cool and appealing to the average voter. Put in basic crowd parameters (white, evangelical, Texas), get an instant new you! “According to my phone, I love light beer, country music, and working on cars –  that is when me and my secessionist militia buddies aren’t out ‘repatriating’ illegal aliens  with our AK-47s… wait, that’s not right, what the hell? White? I meant to enter Hispanic, God damned autocorrect!”  Includes a list of previous addictions you’ve overcome with the help of AA, Jesus, or Chuck Norris.

TweetScuse: The Social Media Excuse Generator. “I accidentally tweeted a picture of my shaved balls to the Facebook Prepubescent Blond Boys Club page because my camera phone butt-dialed in my pocket when I kneeled down in church to pray for gay people to get straight. I guess I just love Jesus too much.”


Now you try.


  1. Diet Coke all over the iPad. You do have homeowners ins right? T-Paw is perfect and dead on. Thanks

    Perme-Mitt's hair style

    This is as goog as the vogue knitting review over at samurai knitter's blog (navy wife so similar humor style)

  2. Good

    Scers- augers that use failed candidates entrails

  3. It's a good thing I had finished my nightly Summer Shandy...as much as I adore your work, I would not have wanted to waste my beer nor shower my laptop...thanks for another good laugh..."cherry-picker"...lol. (I've got serial ellipses for days).

  4. Quintessentially right on. Like the other commentators, I am so glad I had finished my Chai tea prior to clicking your link on my Facebook page, my MBP would not have appreciated it.

    I think you must be psychic; as you, on a regular basis, inscribe my exact thoughts on topics and often frustrations over the...you know...the ones who shall not be named.

    I bow to you and your awesomeness.

  5. As usual, I'm finding, PRICELESS! Thank god I wasn't drinking anything, though some lettuce/tomatoes from my salad may have hit the screen.

  6. Stonekettle Station is not responsible for any food or drink related computer accidents

  7. I've been reading Jim long enough to have set down the coffee cup and swallowed before reading.

    3rd amendment? The only one not known to have ever come up in a court case?

  8. Yep. Finish coffee THEN read Stonekettle. Cuts down a lot on keyboard replacement surgery.

  9. What ever happened to, laughed so hard I pissed my pants.

    People spewing and spilling all over keyboards, pads and laps over apps just doesn't seem right to me.

    Can I order an app for my lap pad explaining apps?

  10. Stonekettle Station is not responsible for any food or drink related computer accidents

    Oh geez - now you tell us. Maybe I can get my insurance to pay up.

    I'm pretty sure that there is currently an app that ties into your GPS and will read off a handful of items related to any place that you have been for more than 15 minutes.

    For example: If you have been hanging around the Old North Church in Boston, then the phone would list off:
    Paul Revere
    Regulars coming to sieze arms

    Unfortunately, since it is still in beta, it doesn't string these together to make coherent sentences, but surely someone who knows anything about history could piece together a 20-30 second soundbite from that information, right?

    Err... right?

  11. Sensible Aura Generator, fine tunes the vibration of the iPhone while simultaneously playing an iTunes mashup of subtextual messages to overwhelm any person you're standing close enough and make them believe whatever bat-shit crazy thought you just spewed all over their consciousness like a political Linda Blair (re: Exorcist pea-green spew) was the best, most reasonable idea since unicorns began farting rainbows.

    Newt has forgotten to charge his phone ever since his misfortunately recorded "right-wing social engineering" rampaging off-range comment episode.

  12. I want an app that takes comments from SKS and posts them to my blog.

    How about a calendar count-down app that lets you know how many days till the Primary, and then the election. Then SP could use it to decide when to throw her head in the ring (uhh, hat, not head). And we could hack the app so the deadline passes before they know it.

    I don't use an iPad. I have an app-top.

  13. sheila, not lurking,June 16, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Jim said, "Stonekettle Station is not responsible for any food or drink related computer accidents."

    So, Jim, in addition to marketing adult diapers, will you now be offering official "Stonekettle Station" screen condoms?

    I will happily accept woodturned items in lieu of royalty payments for my idea.

  14. Seems Romney is going through this list. Why only today he tried to be a regular Joe by telling a bunch of unemployed Floridians he is also unemployed just like them. Yup just a regular Joe.

    Of course he also became a multimillionaire and does not have to work and he did it ripping apart companies and making lots and lots of people unemployed.

  15. Your Regular Joe App is obviously a commie-pinko-faggy plant. There are plenty of Murkin-made semi-autos available (conversion kits included!)

  16. No, no, the CrapShoot one would never work - Palin throws everyone under the bus eventually.

  17. I've calculated the odds of being thrown under the bus by Ms. Palindrome at 99.9%. This reflects the odds of a random meteor strike, plus the chance that I'll be snorked into heaven before she has a chance. Not that those are mutually exclusive.
    3P App: Generates a third party symbol and slogan for losers. I mean, candidates who've been igored by the lamestream media in it's pursuit of a socialist agenda.
    Examples: The Caribou party; we care about you, Amurika.
    The Bullcattle party. A bigger,steamier piece of the pie.
    The Zombie Party. Better dead than Obamacare.

  18. Brilliant but totally max nix to me personally. Luddite that I am, I refuse to own any phone (it's just a freakin' PHONE!) with apps. If I had my way, it wouldn't even have a camera in it. And hey, we were promised flying cars. I want my flying car, dammit! So far, this bright 21st century is a total washout!

  19. Jim, being a new convert, I had not read that far down the blog yet. I think you have skewered the flying car for what should be the last time, if there's any justice in the universe.

    (For that matter, why didn't R2D2 speak English? And how the hell could Luke understand him? Oh yeah...the Jedi thing.)

  20. Thanks for another enjoyable read.

    In the picture of the MORAN, there is a woman to his left with a sign. I think it says "FREE RICHES." Is this truth in advertising? So many people bitching on sign board seem to want the Government to supply their particular needs without being taxed.

    By the way, as my opinion matters to all that wish for a prosperous future, I suggest we put some time and effort into finding a way to elect the clowns, without having to actually go to the circus. Just thought you might need something to fill your free time. Thanks again........

  21. How 'bout an Appoint-n-Clique app? Would save time adding all your new crony contact info.

    captcha: unsimp - another app that unsimplifies.

  22. The Return of Lance Savage "Big Game Hunter". Amazing what comes out of the vault sometimes. Next I think Bruce the Breakwind Gargoyle needs to make an appearance. Just sayin. Is there an app for that, the "Just Sayin" app?

  23. Thanks for that wonderful post. I really enjoyed it.

  24. Judging some of the strange things that came out of George W.'s mouth during his eight years they were beta testing all these apps off a Windows laptop with hiccups. It all went into an ear-bud and came out the mouth even more garbled.

    Swear to Dog you could take some people's Iphones away from them and they would stand there like Stepford Wives waiting to be rebooted. Google: "Stepford Wives" chillums under 30, we'll wait. Now look at a picture of the Newt's wife.

    Who says we didn't get the future we deserved. We were warned.

  25. New App proposal:

    CheckMy6: if I see something better in my rear-view window, lets me try to co-opt it into my own message, letting me think I'm still leading the parade.

    Best for democrats.... and Republicans too old to know better. And the young ones.

    Ah, hell. Every politician needs this one.

  26. sheila, not lurking,June 20, 2011 at 5:09 PM

    SJ said, "you, on a regular basis, inscribe my exact thoughts on topics and often frustrations over the...you know...the ones who shall not be named."

    After reading SJ's comment, I realized that candidates need two more apps:

    4getnot: an app that reminds you of your opponent's name, so you won't draw a blank and then blurt out something offensive, like "That one."

    Voldenom: an app that creates an offensive name for your opponent, if doing so will gain you more votes from people in a certain demographic group.

  27. Warner, how could you have missed Griswold v. Connecticut (1965)..?! Clearly you are an underground crypto-gopher!

    W00t! Using the Constitutionalizer in tandem with Outrage! totally rocks! I'ma gun be Praysident!

    Ooops... Somehow the PATROIT Transfudiator!!! became installed as launch-on-boot.


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