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Thursday, July 18, 2013

Spanking The Monkey

 

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
- Arnold H. Glasow, humorist, Glasow's Gloombusters

I’m going to miss Michele Bachmann when she goes.

No, really.

I am.

I’m going to miss the paint-eating piss-drinking mewling ball of fuzzy-headed crazy that is Michele Bachmann.

I gotta tell you, I sincerely hope that when she punches out of Congress next year she doesn’t just fade away like Herman the Pizza Man or Todd “Too Legit” Akins. Maybe she’ll join the shrill cawing murder of crows on The View (Seriously, how long can Jenny McCarthy last anyway? McCarthy is a one trick pony. Bachmann can do the anti-vaxxer shtick and so very, very much more. Just think about it, ABC, that’s all I’m asking).

What?

You think I’m kidding?

OK, maybe I’m kidding a little, but for political bloggers like me, Michele Bachmann is the mother lode. She’s like finding a $20 bill in your jeans pocket that you forgot you had. She’s like getting lucky in the middle of the week when you weren’t even trying.  I get up in the morning and I see that Michele Bachmann made the headlines above the fold and I’ve got to set the coffee cup down because I know the day is going to start with a belly laugh.

Dangerous? Unpredictable? Extremist? Leader of a fanatical army of pretend soldiers? Plugged into an alternate reality and not shy about admitting it? Prone to unhinged bizarre proclamations? Eclectic fashion sense? Great hair?

C’mon, tell me you don’t see it. 

That’s right, Crazy Eyes Bachmann is the Colonel Gaddafi of the US House of Representatives.

"Contrary to popular opinion, Republicans won't get patted on the back or get new votes because of passing amnesty. They're going to get blamed. And it's my prediction that the House Republicans could put themselves in a position where they could actually lose the gavel in 2014, because I think the president, even by executive order, can again wave his magic wand before 2014 and he'd say now all of the new, legal Americans are going to have voting rights.”

That was Bachmann talking to (snort chuckle) World Net Daily last Monday about why immigration reform would be a disaster for Republicans – and therefore America in general.

Insanity is a logarithmic function. In other words, two gibbering loons aren’t just twice as bonkers as one, together they’re more like nine times the raw flaming insanity of just one crazy barker alone. Bachmann, her eyes a rollin’ around in their sockets with the whites showing like a panicked galloping mare afraid the wolves are on her tail, being interviewed by the reality-challenged, conspiracy-fuelled whirling over-unity generator that is World Net Daily is a whole lot like locking a screaming hysterical claustrophobe into a small airtight box filled with snakes.

Contrary to popular opinion, Republicans won’t be hailed as heroes if they pass “amnesty.”

Popular opinion? Is this some magical alternate reality where sexual orientation can be flip-flopped through prayer, where money and opportunity really do trickle down from the wealthy in their ivory towers to enrich the masses like a golden shower dripping down from Heaven, where you really can bring freedom and liberty to oppressed countries in the belly of a B-52, and where the nation will cheer conservative lawmakers for finally doing their fucking jobs instead of obstructing the business of the nation? 

Popular opinion?

Whose popular opinion exactly?  Be specific, Michele, show your work.

It’s telling that Bachmann leads off with that particular statement, especially the part about “republicans […] wont […] get new votes.”

More than anything that, that, right there, is what’s wrong with Congress and specifically with the House of Representatives. 

Right there.  In Bachmann’s view, the only legislation that should be taken up by the House, is that which is guaranteed to get a political party more votes – not what’s best for the nation, not those things that directly affect the daily lives of the people, not even what’s best for the state she’s supposed to be representing, no not that.  Only those things that give her party new votes. Otherwise? Pffft!

…I think the president, even by executive order, can again wave his magic wand before 2014 and he'd say now all of the new, legal Americans are going to have voting rights

And that’s the rest of what’s wrong with our Government.

What?

No, no. Now you stop that. I’m not talking about Bachmann’s ongoing obsession with Obama’s magic wand. 

I’m talking about willful ignorance and booger-eating stupidity hailed increasingly by the electorate as some kind of virtue.

Bachmann is a sitting member of the United States House of Representatives.

She’s been a congressman since 2006.

She was born in the United States, she had full and unlimited access to education.

She’s 57 years old, more than long enough to learn something about the country she’s supposed to be running.

She’s got a college degree.

She used to be a lawyer.

Hell, she’s even got access to Google.

And she still has no idea, no idea whatsoever, of what exactly an Executive Order is, or to whom it applies, or what the limits of its authority are.

How is that even possible?

Bachmann, and those of her ilk, are allowed to be this goddamned stupid because we don’t make congressmen take the same basic citizenship tests that any legal immigrant has to pass. She was just born into her citizenship, like some weak-chinned inbred hemophiliac idiot member of the royalty entitled to money and privilege. Bachmann, a six-year member of the US House of Representatives, a sitting member of the House Select Committee on Intelligence, thinks that an Executive Order is like “waving a magic wand.” Like the men who fought to free themselves from the King of England were so damned stupid, as stupid as Bachmann herself apparently, that they somehow forgot to put a line in the Constitution that, you know, limits the power of the Executive.

Wait, what do you mean George Washington just declared himself Grand Panjandrum of America? And now we all have to take his orders? Goddamnit, Madison, you idiot! What? Was your powdered wig in your eyes? What the hell, man, what the hell?

Yeah, boy, executive orders, how’d the Framers miss that?

(You may, if you like, visualize James Madison mouthing the words “bite me” here)

On the face of it, given her own words, Bachmann apparently believes that the president is like King Joffrey or His Humungous The Pope, you know, a guy who sits on some kind of big scary throne made out of the embalmed sexual organs of his vanquished enemies and he just sort of gestures with his jewel encrusted scepter and makes a proclamation and abracadabra! it’s the law of the land and everybody has to follow it or risk their own reproductive organs being added to the pile. Of course, given that as a fuzzy-headed evangelical Michele Bachmann already professes a literal belief in horned demons and talking snakes, I suppose it’s not that great of a stretch for her to believe the president can unlimber the Magic Negro Ray of Chocolate Mojo and just make all illegal aliens into citizens of the United States and, presto change-O, give them voting rights through Executive Fiat.

Hey, far be from me to question a member of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, right?

I’m sure she’s got the documentation to back up her claim, besides World Net Daily I mean.

Yeah, I’m sure Bachmann can back up her statement.

"Why do I say that? He did it in 2012. Do you remember? Anyone who was here as a Latina under age 30, he said, 'You get to vote.'

Say what now?

Do I remember that Obama gave voting rights to young female illegal immigrants from South and Central America in 2012?

Um, no, actually I don’t remember that.

I Googled it, the internet doesn’t remember it either.

In fact, nobody seems to remember this event – and you sort of think they would, wouldn’t you?

Nobody remembers it because it didn’t actually happen … unless Bachmann is referring to that aforementioned alternate reality she seems to spend so much time in.

"What? He [Obama] decides you get to vote? If he did it 2012, know, take it to the bank, he'll do in 2014. And then guess what will happen? Democrat in the White House; Democrats controlling the Senate; Democrats controlling the House. At that point they will change election law, and it will be almost impossible to ever see a Republican majority again.”

You wonder what people like Michele Bachmann fear? What imaginary horror keeps them awake at night shivering the dark with the sheets pulled up over their terrified heads listening for the soft wet footsteps of the bogeyman coming ever closer and closer?

This, right here.

She’s terrified of something that never happened.

Michele Bachmann is literally afraid of the bogeyman.

This, my shiny electronic friends, is the true horror: the willful abdication of intellect and reason.

Democracy and the Republic depend for their very existence on educated intellect, steady reason, and measured discourse.  Hysteria, paranoia writ large, and outright provable falsehoods based on self-serving religious and/or political fanaticism accepted as unchallenged truth are a poison to the tree of liberty.  This is, always, the Achilles' Heel of democracy. 

That paragraph above, Bachmann’s Bogeyman, is the inevitable end result of religious fanaticism. 

These people believe in a religion that is almost entirely made up of denial, intimidation, and threats of dire consequences whored up in frilly clothing and cheap perfume.  Her entire evangelical belief systems can be summed up in one line: Believe in made up magic fairy dust as defined by the self-declared righteous, or be wrapped in chains of ice and thrown into a pit of boiling oil and be horribly tortured until the stars burn out.  It is a profoundly bankrupt moral philosophy, one based on fear and selfishness and extortion.

And that kind of thinking, that kind of terror, bleeds over into everything.

Michele Bachmann and those like her are outraged by something that never happened and they’re terrified that this mystical event will happen again and then they’ll somehow lose their ticket to heaven.  As I’ve said before, these people believe that America is a zero sum game. They are truly afraid that if somebody else gets more liberty, they somehow get less. This is exactly the same way they regard the ultimate reward in their selfish ingrown religion, i.e. it’s not really heaven if everybody gets to go, now is it?

Again, it’s telling that Bachmann should phrase her fear the way she did.  And it’s enlightening, the parts of religion that she embraces. It’s a case here of do unto others before they do unto you, I guess, given that Bachmann is front and center on efforts to reform voting rights in order to disenfranchise the very people she fears.  How, exactly, election law could be changed to prevent Republicans from winning she didn’t bother to explain, apparently she’s afraid that Barack Obama will use Executive Orders to make it illegal for rich old white men to vote (if only). Meanwhile, Tea Party republicans in nearly every state with the willing collusion of the Supreme Court are working diligently to to bring back Jim Crow specifically in order to nullify the traditional democratic base.

As I said, telling.

“Do we get how important this is? I'm not crying wolf here.”

Again, this is the end result of lying to yourself as a way of life. These are the same exact people who claim they are champions of liberty, while deliberately working to limit the rights of minorities. These are the people who claim to love democracy, but only if the people they don’t like are excluded from it. These are the people who claim to be Christian, but only quote the part of the Bible that happened before Jesus showed up. These are the very people who claim to embrace self-determination as the fundamental core of freedom, while frantically attempting to limit a woman’s right to choose for herself.  These are the people who claim to stand for religious freedom, while at the same time they attempt to jam their version of Bronze Age pinch-faced Christianity down everybody else’s throat – all the while protesting that they are being persecuted.

Not crying wolf?

Not crying wolf?

The fuck?

I call Shenanigans, that’s exactly what she’s doing. Obviously, provably, blatantly so.

”This is working for the president. It's not working for the American people, but, hey, it's great by him. He has a perpetual magic wand and nobody's given him a spanking yet and taken it out of his hand. That's what Congress needs to do, give the president a major wake-up call. And the way we spank the president is we do it through the checkbook. We're the ones who say, 'No, you can't have the money.'”

He has a magic wand. Somebody needs to give him a spanking and take it out of his hand.

Boom chicka chicka bow bow.

Seriously, who talks like this?

Outside of an eighth grade boys locker room, I mean.  

I swear, every time I watch the idiotic drivel pour from her mouth, I expect an anvil or a piano to fall out of the sky and smash her into a little round circle with a pair of googly eyes blinking cartoonishly in the middle of it.

If the Tea Party talk show circuit and book deal doesn’t pan out for her after Congress, Bachmann could always make some dough on the side penning inane dialog for the S&M division of the porn industry.

So, leaving aside that mental image of Michele Bachmann polishing the president’s magic wand, exactly what the hell is she talking about here? What money is she referring to? Congress, led by Tea Party Dominatrix Michele Bachmann and her band of anally fixated chicken chokers, has already “spanked” the president by putting the entire country into sequestration. Her idiot political party “punished” Barack Obama by lopping off their own noses and cutting the pay of federal workers by 20%, including members of their own staffs (note that the workload wasn’t cut, just the pay.  As a federal worker you still get to do five days worth of work – in four days – for one fifth less money.  Because, see, as a federal worker the government has the option of just changing your contract arbitrarily to meet some politician’s agenda any goddamned time they want to. Meanwhile, of course, Congressional pay remains unaffected. Because, well, fuck you, that’s why. Cute, eh?).

So who are they going to rob next in order to make a political point?

And finally, Bachmann ends with this plaintive question:

“What's wrong with us?”

What’s wrong?

What’s wrong?

What’s wrong is that we let people like Michele Bachmann anywhere near the halls of power.

What’s wrong is that this childish frightened woman, and those like her, are terrified of the bogeyman, they're outraged over something that never happened, they’re terrified by nonexistent dangers they’ve dreamed up whole cloth in their fevered imaginations – from Kenyan Socialist Manchurian Candidates to Benghazi Conspiracies to imagined magic wands.

Look, here’s the bottom line: I’m not telling you who to vote for. I’m not telling you which political party to identify with. I’m for damned sure not telling you that you have to like the President – this particular one or any other. What I’m saying, what I have always said, is this: if you’re going to hate somebody, if you’re going to really hate somebody, then at least hate them for who they actually are, not some made up monster you created in your own fearful mind.

That was the point of the previous post, the one that went viral, the one that a hundred thousand people have now read, the one I’m still getting a hundred letters a day about, An Open Letter to the Idiot Nation.

If you’re going to hate the president, if you’re going to oppose immigration reform, or gun control, or Islam, or people with different colored skins and funny accents, or the TSA and NSA and the CIA, or the Gay Agenda, or any other bogeyman, at least oppose it for real, actual, reasons and not some made up phantasm created by World Net Daily.

I said I’d miss Michele Bachmann when she goes.

And so I shall.

I won’t miss her insanity roaming the halls of Congress and we as a country are well shed of her lunacy.

But nonetheless she is the single most visible symbol of everything that’s wrong with our dysfunctional Legislature. 

She is an abject example of the very real dangers of extremism and of the growing religious fanaticism in this country.

Michele Bachmann is the parakeet in the mines of the Republic, sounding the warning of our declining intellect and our perilous abandonment of reason and the silently rising poisonous gases of hate and fear and blind ignorance.

It’s not the chirping that concerns me, so much as the silence.

114 comments:

  1. It astonishes me how *blatant* the Republicans are about prioritising their own party's interests above all else - most politicians at least have the grace to *pretend* everything they do is for the good of the nation...

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  2. When Bachmann tells her low-information fanboys and girls that Obama can create new voters by executive order, that is not an example of ignorance. It's just plain old, downright, lying. She knows very well the statement isn't true. She also knows very well that her fanboys and girls will believe it anyway if she says so on the TV. She doesn't even have batshit crazy as an excuse for that kind of belly-crawling dishonesty. By going along with the idea that she is simply ignorant you have let her off the hook way too lightly. She knows exactly what kind of fire she is fanning: and it's the ugliest fire imaginable. BB

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  3. "Contrary to popular opinion, Republicans won't get patted on the back or get new votes because of passing amnesty. They're going to get blamed. And it's my prediction that the House Republicans could put themselves in a position where they could actually lose the gavel in 2014, because I think the president, even by executive order, can again wave his magic wand before 2014 and he'd say now all of the new, legal Americans are going to have voting rights.”

    If they are legal Americans, and over the age of 18, they have not only 'voting rights' but a duty to vote. Obama will not have to wave any magic wand, it is part of the definition.

    I never thought I would be in favor of book or film burning, but the thought of Rush and Michelle together in a 'conservative' porn film was my first thought when you brought up S&M and porn. Unfortunately, I can't get the picture out of my mind.

    Danny


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    1. Greg - ETC(SW) USN - RetiredJuly 19, 2013 at 4:41 AM

      Just to clarify, by "legal Americans", I assume you're meaning citizens? That won't apply to any of the estimated 11 million undocumented people covered by immigration reform. Assuming the Senate Immigration bill passes, the millions of undocumented will only have legal status to work here while pursuing the long process of the "pathway to citizenship." Only after achieving citizenship would they be allowed to vote and voting is governed by state policies/laws (hence all the voter ID laws at the state level). So, NONE of the people covered by the immigration bill would be able to vote for some time - and even then, only if they actually became US Citizens.

      Maybe Bachmann is alluding to some feature of wand-waving that includes bypassing the pathway to citizenship or nullifying existing immigration/citizenship laws. Frankly, if the President could actually do that, why bother with an immigration reform bill, at all?

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    2. Correct. On further reflection, the phrase "legal Americans" is one of the most insiduous phrases I have heard. It implies there are illegal Americans. This subtle phrasing should be decried with the same fervor that the term 'forcible rape' is attacked.

      Danny

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    3. Which is why I didn't touch that phrase in the text. It's hard to know exactly what she meant there.

      "legal" Americans, i.e. Americans, already have the right to vote (unless election law reform takes it away from them, but I digress), they don't need Barack Obama's magic mojo stick.

      "illegal" American is a nonsense term. I don't know what it means.

      So I'm unclear as to her meaning. So I let it go.

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    4. What an horrible picture! But, also incredibly funny!

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    5. Gee, thanks, Danny....that was the most horrible vision I have had lately...Gross! But they do deserve one another & they think alike....but then, Rush is just an entertainer (according to him)....

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    6. OK, I tried to walk away from the porn reference thread, but just couldn't do it. You guys all saw this article, right?

      http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/07/16/conservative-christian-group-mailed-vibrator-to-michele-bachmann-report/

      Bruce

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    7. Before I became American by living here for 30 years of tax-paying time, and studying for the citizenship test, I was an legal alien on a green card. Now, I am simply an American. One is either an American by birth or by citizenship or one is not an American.

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  4. It's not just imaginary fears, it's actively projecting.

    They GOP was angling for EXACTLY that situation (except in their favor) dating way back to the Reagan days. Allying with the fundie christians' "Moral Majority" in order to establish a permanent majority in the house and the senate, permanently keeping the white house republican as well, then gerrymander and push through laws favoring their conservative agenda and backing, the idea being that if they established a permanent majority it wouldn't matter how they did it because they'd be in a position to quash any investigation into their methods.


    And then the wheels started coming off, and they basically went insane...

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  5. Well, I won't miss her. It's gotten to the point where, when I hear her voice, it's like the sound of fingernails on the blackboard. I'm torn between throwing something at the tv or screaming until she shuts up. And the lies that she tells...well, listening to her is not good for my health. My blood pressure goes through the roof. So, while Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert may mourn her passing, I won't join them. No thanks. I'll be glad to see her go.

    Oh and as an aside, what she says is usually a "load" of bullpuckey, the phrase you're looking for is "mother lode".

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    1. You are of course correct. It's fixed

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  6. If you really want to screw with their tiny little minds, here's how to do it:

    1) Register to vote as a Republican. ( I know, it burns, but do it anyway)

    2) Vote Democratic.

    Ta dah!!!

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    1. We changed our registration from Republican (born that way0), to Democrat 5 years ago. We still are on the Republican list, receive Republican literature, and no Democratic mail literature. So they count even those who are not theirs... and I suspect have the county involved as well.

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    2. In my state you cannot register as either a Democrat or Republican, however I tend to ask for the Republican ballet during primaries because there are no local Democrats seeking office (I live in a very conservative portion of a very blue state). After the primaries, I get calls from the local, state and national Republicans asking for money or to fill out surveys. It really is way too much fun to mess with their heads!

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    3. Maybe. The thing that burns is that non-Tea Party conservatives become Independents out of embarrassment, when they should be staying in the party to guide it by voting in caucuses and primaries. The same goes for liberals, it's not that it's cool to be a Democrat, you get to guide the party by being one.

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    4. Jennifer - The "Republican ballet" - clumsy, flat-footed, and with discordant music.

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    5. Am registered Democrat in very blue state (CA and no I cannot explain Issa except to mutter San Diego also produced Cunningham), formerly a Democrat in Iowa (before it was kind of blue) and have thought of re-registering as an Independent. I get chest pains even thinking of re-registering Republican but even going Independent hints that I might be deceived into voting for a Republican and that goes too far for me.

      Even with 40+ years as a Democrat I still get newsletters from GOP railing against the President and demanding money. Once (postage paid evelope included) I took the time to respond to each false statement included (Obamacare will destroy our nation) but realized all they really wanted was the check - no one was going to read the "questionnaire" so now I just toss them unopened.

      About a week or so ago I got a 2014 calendar with 12 fricking photos of Reagan. I was so angry that a single tree had been cut down for this filth (yeah I didn't like him when he was governor here either). The recycle truck was headed my way so I tore the calendar so no one could use it and while the recycle truck driver waited I tossed that sucker in and felt much better. To be safe I did wash my hands.

      Anyway fantastic as always, you make me laugh but most importantly you make me think. Thanks!

      Marlene

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    6. @Valerie -- the ballet with the ostriches and hippos from "Fantasia". Yesssss!

      Registered as a Republican, and even more fun to return their pre-paid "surveys" full of other junk mail.

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  7. .

    Articulate as ever; clear, reasoned, and enjoyable (and oh so copyable). Thank you.

    Ema Nymton
    ~ @ : o ?
    .

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  8. Bravo Jim, I'm only doing this because I care:
    "...is the mother load." - lode.
    "On the face it, given her own words," - on the face of it

    Please fix so I can share this with rabid spewing RWNJ grammar Nazis, TIA. ;)

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    1. It's already fixed, but thanks for pointing it out.

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    2. You can also copy, paste, and fix it yourself before sending. (no snark intended)

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    3. Hey Mugsy, I saw the "mother load" as well and chuckled at the potential for a Freudian slip, as in "a mother of a load of stuff".
      Feel free to replace that last word with one of your choice.

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    4. Thanks for another good one, Jim. Yes, I was proof-reading at 3:46am... the level of discourse on this blog is so much higher than the average that I start reaching for perfection. It's sad that regardless of the value of the content, there are those who will disregard anything under the pretext that a typo indicates flawed thinking. Even sadder that I've been conditioned to scrutinize everything for proper spelling and grammar before sharing it, by the same folks who denigrate education, logic and critical thinking. SMDH.

      Note to no snark Anonymous - surely you're not suggesting that I copy/paste this fine post instead of sharing the link, and waste that opportunity to allow another human to read further? - Mugsy

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  9. Oh, so many comments that could be made! But I think you hit the central core of the problem with one simple sentence:

    " Be specific, Michele, show your work."

    If only some variant of that phrase would be thrown at every politician, as well as every big-mouthed blowhard who tries to sway public opinion with buzzwords and empty catchphrases (not to mention outright lies). Support your claim (preferably with actual facts). Define your terms (Family values? Whose family? What exactly are their values? Is there a list, even a Top Ten would help a lot.)

    It is so disheartening to realize how often people just accept undefined terms and unsupported claims and actually vote on that basis.

    Bruce

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    1. I so resemble that exhortation, "define your terms". I can't count how many times I've said that to people who are frothing at the mouth about something. I will include "be specific, show your work" from now on. Thanks.

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    2. That will just get you the standard conservative line "well if you don't already know then there's no use explaining it to you".

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    3. "If you can't explain it, then YOU don't know."

      Bruce

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    4. See, the thing is, they (Bachmann, et al) can't show their work. There is no work to show and will never be as long as they are following the standard GOP operating procedure of "Just make shit up." Seriously. Bachmann is a prime example of the tactic of inundating the electorate with such a barrage of crazy that no one, or even no group, could possibly repute it all. And the media certainly won't put forth any effort in that direction.

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  10. as a thirty plus year former resident of minnesota, we jumped the river, and now reside in wisconsin. i sometimes tell people we did it because we were so embarrassed by michele bachmann, we couldn't stomach her, (slight exaggeration). She is a veritable mountain range of craziness. One almost has to admire her inventiveness, facts, what are facts...When Bachmann was running for president, a local paper interviewed some of her former coworkers, she had worked for the state, I believe as a tax lawyer. One of those coworkers pointed out that during the five year period that she worked in this position she birthed three children and never really took on any cases of significance. I just thought the hypocrisy screamed Michele Bachmann, let's see, go get what was probably a well paid "public service job", capitalize on the benefits, do very little and move on to the next victim..."I got mine, go get your own."

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    1. Sad but true, Bachmann was previously employed as a tax lawyer for the IRS Office of Chief Counsel. As I recall from some other blogs where former co-workers commented on her, she spent of good portion of the 3 or 4 years she was employed on leave related to pregnancies. She obviously knows nothing about tax law or the tax code.

      Old Navy Comm O (also retired from IRS Counsel)

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  11. Michelle, with all her faults, was elected then re-elected a few times. She's the shiny object of our attention and derision, which is kind of like treating the symptom of the disease(but a lot more fun). I live in Texas, so I'm familiar with that disease, except here its an epidemic. Just when you've adjusted to the sores on your genitals, the bacteria starts working on your brain. Therein lies the problem. Half the country has political syphilis.

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    1. "Half the country has political syphilis." Good one, Don, and oh so true.

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  12. She scares the beejeevers out of me. Rabid-tonged, harpy-lips screeches this bullshit and the MSM gives her a pass??? WTF!

    Great job, Jim. Keep'm coming. Got to get the word out ;)

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    1. Okay, I have to admit I have been totally confused by the use of the abbreviation MSM that I see mentioned periodically in replies on various blogs. I’ve a bit of a slow brain sometimes.

      You see I know MSM as Methylsulfonylmethane, or DMSO2, a compound used to help with arthritis and other forms of inflammation. Yet that didn’t make any sense to me when donnabella says the MSM gives Bachman a pass. Although Bachman does speak in rather inflammatory phrases most of the time. Hmmm. Still…

      So I googled MSM to see what else these letters might stand for, and the second entry, right after a listing for the particulars of methylsulfonylmethane, was a Wikipedia entry stating “MSM may refer to: Men who have sex with men, a medical and social research designation; Mainstream media, in discussion of the mass media and media bias…”

      So then I became totally confused, AND I now have this bizarre image in my brain of men having sex with men while making a pass at Bachman. However its kind of appropriate, don’t you think, considering what her husband’s “profession” was for years.

      Anyway, when my brain stopped contorting around that image I finally realized the next part of the Wikipedia entry was “mainstream media.” Duh! Of course! Darn! But don’t you think it’s rather strange how even the wrong definition of this abbreviation in this instance still works?

      cd


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    2. Anony: LMAO. I used to work with horses and am familiar with DMSO. I still have some around somewhere.

      I think Michelle's brain could use some. Maybe take down the inflammation? Then again....

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    3. Hedgewytch,

      Don't forget DMSO was an industrial cleaner before becoming an equine medication. I think industrial cleaner works well for Crazy Eyes, or as I like to call her "The MN Cuckoo." She and the AK Dingbat make a nice pair and could both use industrial cleaner.

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    4. I'm not sure the main stream media has given her a pass. There is SO much craziness to chose from, they have to pick and choose but some of her Pants On Fire statements have hit the MSM.

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  13. Just wondering what Madison's wig is powered by?

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    1. Greg - ETC(SW) USN - RetiredJuly 19, 2013 at 5:36 AM

      I thought about pointing this out, too (there's a "too" up there that needs to be a "to", also, by the way), but the occasional typo adds character. Not that there needs to be any additional character added. ;o)

      Delete
    2. Greg - ETC(SW) USN - RetiredJuly 19, 2013 at 5:39 AM

      Once I went so far as to mention it, I suppose I'm obligated to not make Jim look for it. The "too" that needs to be "to" is in this sentence - "Because, see, as a federal worker the government has the option of just changing your contract arbitrarily to meet some politician’s agenda any goddamned time they want too."

      Delete
  14. Agree Michele will be missed as a mother lode for bloggers and comedians, still her departure is good news. Bachmann's crazy rhetoric gives cover for those not quite as overt in their craven disregard for truth and the well being of the country. She is distraction, my congress varmint sounds reasonable but he will then vote for every bat shit crazy idea that the republican house puts forward. These reasonable sounding crazies are much more dangerous. Bachmann offers him cover, he can say, see folks not that crazy here just an honest difference in policy, smoke screen up. Smooth talk you while sliding in the knife, my father always called this killing them with kindness.

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  15. You know we don't deserve you, but thank you. What are your thoughts on Liz Cheney running for senate in WY against the GOP incumbent?

    Joffery should be Joffrey - maybe make it 'King Joffrey Baratheon', but maybe that's too in your face with the reference.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you people enjoy finding the typos ;)

      Delete
    2. You have very careful readers, and an Insane Clown Posse of typo-finders :-)

      Delete
    3. "I think you people enjoy finding the typos ;)"

      You seem to be a bit bipolar in your typing, always in a manic phase. The Clown Posse is just trying to help you out. (big shit-eating grin here)

      Delete
    4. I type very very fast and mostly by reflex. I tend to edit my stuff on the fly, adding and removing words, or completely reworking sentences and paragraph to increase imagery or clarify points in the midst of typing other paragraphs (i.e. I tend to jump around when I'm in fully on writing mode). I also read extremely fast and I'm a pattern (or gestalt) type reader. So that means I tend to read what I think I wrote instead of what I actually typed.

      I suppose I could get an assistant, but then again I'd have to pay a proofreader and I get you people for free. So, there you go.

      Delete
    5. Greg - ETC(SW) USN - RetiredJuly 19, 2013 at 10:30 AM

      They call Jim "Flash Fingers" and for safety purposes, when he's typing, someone needs to stand next to him with a CO2 fire extinguisher as a fire watch. Okay, maybe I just made that up.

      Delete
    6. I can neither confirm nor deny the validity of that statement and I must refer you to the public affairs officer for any additional information regarding the possible existence or non-existence of said hazards.

      Delete
    7. The illustrious ShopKat probably knows how to read & she might work for kitty treats.

      Delete
    8. Meh. I think you put those in there on purpose just to see whose paying attention (see what I did there?). I write reports at work and also do some QA work on others. Funny thing is I can spot a spacing error at 30 paces...in someone else's document...but not in one I've written myself. Carry on.

      Delete
  16. Brilliant and spot on as always. My favorite paragraph:

    "Democracy and the Republic depend for their very existence on educated intellect, steady reason, and measured discourse. Hysteria, paranoia writ large, and outright provable falsehoods based on self-serving religious and/or political fanaticism accepted as unchallenged truth are a poison to the tree of liberty. This is, always, the Achilles' Heel of democracy."

    Very well stated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree. Made it my "quote of the day".

      Delete
    2. A true statement...now how can I get it to fit on a tee shirt...

      Delete
  17. Why do I feel so damned sycophantic when I read a new Stonekettle post and drool over it and then want to post how much I love it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Valerie, don't think you are the only one! I joined the droolers a long time ago! I totally enjoy the happy slobberings of my brain's gratitude for rational thought presented in an interesting manner.

      Delete
  18. Oooh! Oooh! I got a great idea! The Tea Party can have this terrific fundraiser. Guaranteed to make lots of $ for their PACs!

    A Mud Wrestling Match between Sarah and Michelle! They could hold it on the infield of the NASCAR race track. And for seconds' they could do a tag team match with Sarah/Michelle on one side and Karl Rove/ Darrell Issa on the other. Hell I'd pay to see that!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. anyone who doubts the value of Beauty in the world should take those two as an object-lesson. if they were as homely as ... ahem ... someone whose name i won't mention, they could not have achieved what they have.

      whatever happened to dear Mr. Jefferson's "aristocracy of virtue"? :-( ... and i ain't talkin' self-righteousness, but actual QUALITY!

      Delete
    2. That is a mental image I could have lived without thank you.

      Delete
  19. "These are the people who claim to be Christian, but only quote the part of the Bible that happened before Jesus showed up." Bingo!! I think we need a new name for "Christians" who ignore Christ's messages and lean on the Old Testament for their righteous indignation. I daily shake my head in awe at all those good "Christians" who routinely espouse non-Christian rhetoric, Ms. Bachman being the poster child. Nope, she will not be missed. But I have no doubt that unfortunately her shoes will be filled quickly. SO FEAR NOT JIM! I trust more and better material will be coming your way soon . . . Thanks for the sanity, Duff in NoFla

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In my house, we call them Jews. :-)

      No, not really. But it's close.

      Delete
    2. Just once I'd like to see an Evangelical TV Preacher stand in his multi-million dollar gold encrusted pulpit and scream fire and brimstone at his flock saying, "FEED the hungry. CLOTHE the poor. HEAL the sick. Remember the parable of the good Samaritan and do likewise. Judgement is reserved for the Lord, not you. DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU. That's how you get to heaven according to Jesus, not by hating gays, Muslims, and democrats. Got it? Good. Now get your asses out of those pews and get to it, start by washing the feet of a poor person. Right now, no excuses..."

      But that's unlikely to happen. You don't get rich telling people to treat each other decently. Hell, these same kind of people nailed Jesus to a cross for that message. Ironic, that.

      Delete
    3. Can I get an Amen?

      Margaret

      Delete
    4. Amen!

      Delete
    5. IN the same general area of the Bible where it talks about men lying with men as with women, mixing fibers, and all that jazz, is this:

      "When an alien settles with you in your land, you shall not oppress him. He shall be treated as a native born among you, and you shall love him as a man like yourself, because you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God." Leviticus 19:33-34

      But then, you know, when you cherry-pick a book, you tend to miss little gems like that. I just keep on thinking about what Jesus thought about hypocrites...and if it is all true, what fun He will have with people like Ms. Bachmann and her ilk.

      Delete
    6. Greg - ETC(SW) USN - RetiredJuly 19, 2013 at 12:26 PM

      A good read - Dr Martin Luther King Jr is remembered for his work in civil rights, but he was primarily a preacher (Baptist, at that). His quote about, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy," comes from a sermon, "On being a good neighbor." The link (http://www.thekingcenter.org/archive/document/being-good-neighbor-0) is to a copy of the original draft. Enjoy!!

      Delete
  20. Yet another dismembering, with laser-guided-precision I might add, of the nonsense that afflicts our political system. Thank you Jim.

    What boggles my mind is the flocks and flocks that willingly and even eagerly digest that kind of tripe as fact. Then parrot it as if it's true, further spreading the fear and hate. Our social media channels are choked with this stuff... and how few people actually bother to fact-check is a sign of pure laziness and/or disaffection. Sad. And it's to your point that not just ignorance is the chink in a Democracy's (or Republic's) armor, but apathy could be the second, equally fatal, chink.

    Keep 'em coming Jim.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Troy, you said, "What boggles my mind is the flocks and flocks that willingly and even eagerly digest that kind of tripe as fact. Then parrot it as if it's true, further spreading the fear and hate."

      It's actually very simple to understand, and it is a real, not imagined, GOP theorem - "Sling enough manure against the side of the barn, and some of it will stick." There is also the corollary - "Don't worry about your aim. It will always be easier for you to sling it than for someone else to clean it off."

      Delete
    2. The alternate theory for that is if one tells a lie enough times some will think it to be truth. We seem to have a surplus of those people right now. Bachmann caters to this crowd as does much of her party. Cut school funding and such. Bachmann and her ilk have a vested interest in ignorance. It is how they get elected. The lack of thinking, let alone critical thinking, is killing this nation.

      Delete
  21. Thanks, Jim. But what to do about all the 'legal Americans' eagerly lapping up the crazy spew? When such a large block of Americans have proudly and publicly made their stand, they won't be coming back to the sane side any time soon...that would mean admitting they are imbeciles.

    ReplyDelete
  22. The line you wrote, "Michele Bachmann and those like her are outraged by something _that never happened_ and they’re terrified that this mystical event will happen again and then they’ll somehow lose their ticket to heaven," reminded me of an episode of Supernatural (I have a point, I promise). A false prophet comes to a congregation, and after gaining the trust of the church members, tries to turn them against each other. And the reason given by the person who acted upon the prophet's demand? "No one's gonna stop me from seeing my son again." That's what I think is the most troubling: their fear is completely relatable.

    ReplyDelete
  23. While reading this Epistle about Dippy(apologies to Donovan) I was reminded of the great H.L. Menken:
    The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace
    alarmed(and hence clamorous to be led to safety)by menacing it
    with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every time you comment here, I spend the rest of the day with "Joeklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain..." running through my head. Damn you, Joe, damn you right to hell.

      Delete
    2. Well, it works. Just look at the Nazi propaganda machine. They preached hate and lies and got away with it because they said it louder and longer and owned the media.

      Tough to fight a group that buys their ink by the barrel--said someone I can't remember about W R Hearst.

      Delete
  24. A friend on another blog pointed me here... And I am soooooo glad I followed that URI! :D

    I think this may well become my #2 favorite blog (on account of my #1 is my friend's where I've been a commenter for about 6 years. He has seniority!) ;)

    Well said, and so horrifyingly, maddeningly accurate and true!

    On my friends blog, we were celebrating the anniversary of Apollo 11... at least, until we all realized that *that America* is a thing of the past, and now we have the lunatic "True Believers!" running things.

    Sad... just sad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. we were celebrating the anniversary of Apollo 11

      Then you might enjoy this One Small Step, A Bittersweet Anniversary.

      Delete
  25. I didn't think the Taliban allowed women.

    ReplyDelete
  26. and so you leave me with the image of Michele and Sarah both polishing the President's "magic wand". Very unsettling.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm a lifetime Minnesotan and Minnesotans are for the most part educated, reasonably enlightened, even-keeled, tolerant, and, well, nice. And I just wanted all you folks to know that no one, absolutely no one, will be happier to see her go than most Minnesotans. And for what I'd think are glaringly obvious reasons. (Not to mention she's given our beautiful State Bird a bad rap.) You betcha...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cold comfort, I know, but MB is originally from Iowa. Maybe she'll do all of Minnesotans a big favor and return to her roots.

      Delete
    2. Sorry, but when you mentioned Michel Bachman and state bird in the same line I immediately thought "The state bird is a harpy?"

      Delete
  28. I lived in Michele's district for six years. People would get astonishingly angry if I asked them why they voted for her. To question their vote apparently meant I was the enemy, supporting socialism, matricide, atheism, etc. In other words, Michele represented these people in her district quite well.

    My best guess is that she'll be replaced by Tom "I was almost governor" Emmer, who has supported the "right of conscience" of pharmacists to not dispense contraception and sponsored a state Constitutional amendment that would allow Minnesota to nullify federal laws. He doesn't have Michele's googly eyes, but he is almost as nutty and definitely has high political aspirations...

    Maybe Tom can be the new canary in the coal mine.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Great stuff Jim!
    So basically, you think she's a waning tweet, tweet, blossoming from the sphincter of a giant pachyderm?

    ReplyDelete
  30. I will believe she's gone when it happens.
    I think she has her eye on the Senate if she stays out of jail. Remember, she thought she had a chance to be President.
    Every time I deal with evangelical people like her and their depiction of heaven I am comforted by the thought that if they are there I won't even be allowed to peek through the pearly gates, and that maybe those gates and walls are really to keep them in.
    Great post again.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Two things:

    First, as a newly-coined citizen of the People's Republic of Oregon (Lately a beacon of logical, clearhheaded governance and policy), I'm going to request of my State legislators that they intoduce a bill requiring that, before anyone can be put on the ballot, they have to take, and pass, the standard test for citizenship - and have the score be a matter of public record. That would be intersting, huh?

    Second: The underlying reason for the clown car full of crazy is that the Republicans don't do long-term governance. In fact, they're usually dead opposed to it. They have no concept or comprehension of deep time, except in terms of incremental gains for their platform (and votes). They are the party of crisis. They have, for 30 years, painted themselves as the only ones who can effectively deal with crisis, not like those toleratin', criminil-lovin', pot-shootin', anti-business, Commie Mooslim-lovin Libruls (also, Nazis!). That they have painted themselves into a corner whilst doing so is slowly becoming apparent to more and more people.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And they have to take the test in public, and have it scored while they stand there and watch. Publicly.

      Delete
    2. And pass a drug test. The results to be made public also.

      Delete
  32. IIRC,she's resigning rather than face prosecution for campaign finance irregularities.

    I don't think she is, well, as stupid as you make her out to be. She probably doesn't believe a lot of what she says, the way Mitt Romney did not. The rise off such blatant demagoguery as a normal part of our political discourse greatly concerns me.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Nick formerly from the O.C.July 20, 2013 at 7:22 AM

    I wish I could remember the Congressman's name ...but I swear I heard this last week on 1070 CBS News radio in LA. This guy said the problem that the House Republicans have with immigration reform is that they do not trust the Federal government.

    Seriously, I heard this guy say it. A Congressman: one who ostensibly would be considered to be a critical part of the Federal government.

    And perhaps that's another part of the problem ...

    ReplyDelete
  34. I think the phrase "Magic Negro Ray of Chocolate Mojo" would make POTUS smile because it makes me laugh every time. And your description of Nutjob Bachmann as a wild-eyed, panicked mare is right on the money. I remain thoroughly mystified as to who keeps electing all of these insane people into office, even after seeing the consequences of giving them power. Are there THAT many kindred spirits for such an abnormal level of insanity? I tend to think that stupid carries the day in these cases but maybe it's a combination of both. Being from the place that elected Rick Belongs-In-A-Sanitarium, I guess I should be used to it. A sad commentary on the state of this country. On a side note: I can more clearly see Madison saying "Blow me".
    Pam in PA

    ReplyDelete
  35. Oh tut tut Jim - "Bronze Age pinch-faced Christianity".....really? If you will recall the Bronze Age refers to a transitional Age of Man spanning approximately 3500-500 BC (depending on region) marking the departure from isolated Neolithic cultures to more expansive civilizations. The Bronze Age exemplifies increased long-range human interaction and trade, development of advanced communication, transport and material technology. E.g, discovering metal alloys for tools and weapons, such as bronze as an alloy of metal superior in strength to native copper, stone, wood, etc.

    However, to my knowledge Christianity is frankly an "AD" development. Such as 'In 2013 AD the President of the United States wielded an amazing chocolate wand of power to subvert Freedom and the purity and essence of our natural fluids. President Obama remained in office for 23 years by issuing wand enforced Executive Orders canceling Presidential elections. His administration was finally terminated by a naked blond girl with small dragons." Or something.

    BTW, who is Michele Bachman? Tommy D

    ReplyDelete
  36. Jennifer - The "Republican ballet" - clumsy, flat-footed, and with discordant music.

    And here's the music for it. They put it on a 45 and play it backwards at 33 1/3...

    (With apologies to Henry Mancini)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Jim,

    You may want to consider a career in comedy. If you find the Republican Representatives aren't smarter than a 1st grader! Instead of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, you can call it the Red Scare Comedy Tour! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Alternatively, if you want to run for president, I will take unpaid leave to work on your campaign.
    Dewey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Comic or President.

      What are my other options?

      Delete
    2. Well, Congress seems to combine equal parts comedy and leadership. These days the comedy tends to be very dark, and the leadership is nearly nonexistent due to GOP obstructionism... but your sarcastic humor and liver-surgery-through-the-throat approach to Congress should improve both problems considerably. I'm pretty sure you've previously ruled out politics as a career, but Alaska *is* a smaller state, so there'd be fewer layers to punch through before people got the hint to get out of your way.

      Delete
    3. The Stunned Ox Mattress Factory has a quality control position open.

      danny

      Delete
    4. I once attended a Dick Gregory presentation. Nothing wrong with comic and President. Probably better that way.

      Delete
  39. So, Jim, have you heard back from your two friends? This is kind of an unfinished story.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Now Michelle can go forward with her plans for dual Swiss citizenship. For all her claims to be a "real" American.. She actually publicly considered becoming a Swiss citizen while a member of the US Congress. At that point, I realized that she totally lacked the ability to think ahead..

    But as Michelle faded to Fox news ... Sarah Palin is coming back to become the next US Senator for Alaska.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is really scary..Please Alaskans, remember she quit on you as Governor (thankfully).

      Delete
  41. Seems to me that Palin is more suited to the house. They hardly ever work anymore, and when they are [infrequently] in session, all they do is vote to repeal Obamacare. Maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but not by much.

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  42. I just discovered your site thanks to the viral post from earlier and I have to say, thank you for putting into eloquent words all the things I feel and can't properly express.

    ReplyDelete
  43. "...unlimber the Magic Negro Ray of Chocolate Mojo..." - hi-larious!

    ReplyDelete
  44. You had me at "paint-eating piss-drinking mewling ball of fuzzy-headed crazy"
    Thanks again.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Brilliantly stated, sir! Deluxe brownies coming out of the oven in exactly 6 minutes.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I'm kinda disappointed. Here I thought she was going to be Nehemiah Scudder.

    Nalu Girl

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  47. Speaking as a decades-long resident of western Oregon, I can guarantee you that drug testing as a prerequisite to public services is a no go. Medical marijuana is a BIG umbrella hereabouts.

    ReplyDelete
  48. First, Norm and Anonymous from MN ... where are you? You don't seem to live to close to me.

    Second, just want to say that unbelievably I live in MBs district and DID NOT vote for her, would never vote for her and cannot believe we sent her to represent us. It is soooooo embarrassing to tell someone where I live (I work remotely most of the time) and you can just tell they want to discuss her. Seriously frustrating.

    Third, Jim, love your writing and wish the Punctuation Posse would leave you the hell alone. It is a blog dammit. If it was to be perfect and edited it would be someone else's stuff. It would be that stupid 50 Shades of Gray that the mindless seem to want to read.

    Fourth, while everything you wrote rings the truth bell, somehow your comments about the boogeyman really brought it all together for me. It all comes down to lack of real, true education and the resulting fear. Too many of use let our fears morph into a phobia and then this is the sh!t that comes from that. We confuse education and teaching (there *is* a difference ... you can teach a chimp to tie his shoes, but you still have a chimp in shoes. He doesn't need them nor does he understand their function).

    When we lack education about anything from tomatoes (there was a time people thought they were poisonous when in reality it was the lead plates) or electricity we can be easily made afraid of the dire perils associated with that. Anyone who has seen the videos when people are asked to sign petitions banning dihydrogen monoxide can attest to the importance of education and understanding all concepts as they relate to our lives.

    In all honesty I am afraid because there are people like this who feed on the nervous paranoia of the uneducated masses. One would always hope for the availability of social media and electronic networking to resolve this, but ah, we see human nature is human nature and "everybody" just wants to watch new, ?better? and more unusual stuff. A fetish for all souls right?

    The critical difference here is that the fear I feel must be channeled into positive efforts. How is it these folks like MB lack the basic understanding that it just is not good to sh!t in your food dish. To hear them go on and on about votes, punishing POTUS and constantly trying to repeal the affordable care act rather than work WITH others to improve what everyone knows ... it ain't a perfect thing, but gee, you gotta start SOMEWHERE. It is called learning to eat the elephant.

    The best we can hope for is to connect with folks like you and say what we can and make sure our children are edumacated and not just taught facts and hope they will continue and someday the stars will align and the wind will come sweeping down the plain.

    So please don't judge all us Minnesotans, I think the true state bird was particularly persistent that year and people were low on blood or something. Um, well, maybe not, a bunch of folks recently approved a billion dollar project to tear down a perfectly good stadium for a bunch of guys to run at each other in a couple times a year.

    I am gobsmacked but hopeful.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Your point about the right scrap of information at the right time brought this old poem/proverb to mind:

    For Want of a Nail

    For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
    For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
    For want of a horse the rider was lost.
    For want of a rider the message was lost.
    For want of a message the battle was lost.
    For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
    And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

    Just a thought...

    CTYankee

    ReplyDelete
  50. Jim, apologies. My previous comment was to go on the Manning verdict post.

    Mea Culpa and I'll post more carefully in the future!

    CTYankee

    ReplyDelete

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