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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Hate Mail From Jesus

I get hate mail.

Honestly, I could probably write about nothing but tasty bacon and get hate mail.

Granted, I probably attract it to some degree or another, but that's not really the point now is it?

I don’t know that I get any more hate mail than any other blogger, but if you write about certain subjects you’re pretty much guaranteed to get some pretty nasty responses. And when I say hate mail, I’m including comments on the blog as well. After a while you can predict when and from who.

Write about politics, you get hate mail.

Write about abortion, and you will most certainly get frothy hate mail.

Write about religion, you get weird, poorly spelled and bizarrely punctuated hate mail that verges on outright insanity.

Let something you wrote go viral or get farked, or end up linked in the mainstream media, believe me you will get some intense hate mail – even if you wrote about crispy delicious bacon.

Write about politics, abortion, and religion all in one article as I did the other day, get greenlit on Fark, and then see what happens.  You get big dump-truck loads of fresh steaming hate mail – often with the added bonus of death threats. 

Now, if you’re thinking about getting into the hate mail gig as a blogger, there are ways to improve on that.  See, with the advent of interactive media a certain foamy and obnoxious mindset has developed over the last few years, people who truly feel that their rights are being trampled, that they are actually being persecuted, if they aren’t allowed to spew whatever silly horseshit they want on your blog.  Turn on comment moderation and see if you don’t really set those loony bastards right off.

It’s ironic, don’t you think? 

Ironic that when you speak about American politics, you get hate mail and death threats from flag waving patriots who call themselves Americans – i.e. citizens of a country that is supposed to be the very epitome of freedom, freedom of worship, freedom of speech, freedom of belief. Some of these folks really seem to think that freedom means freedom to believe only what they do, or freedom to fuck off to sissy Canadaland and be violated by flannel-clad polar bear jockeys. 

Ironic that when you talk about abortion, people who claim to love life above all things threaten to take yours.  I’ve never quite understood the logic behind taking your gun to a right-to-life protest, but that’s probably because I spend so much time with flannel wearing Canadians.

And ironic, that when you write about religion you get intensely bitter hatred from devout believers who profess to follow a religion supposedly based on peace and love. Why is it that those who embrace a belief system whose very symbol is a simple fish that represents, at least in part, a parable about feeding the poor and hungry get so defensive when you mention their astounding contempt for those self same poor and hungry?  Why is it, do you suppose, that a belief system supposedly based on the unconditional acceptance of a loving God puts so many conditions on that acceptance? Why is it that a belief system supposedly based on tolerance is so increasingly intolerant

Your a liar and a pervert! You’re filth writing enables murder!!! Its no different than if you killed them with your own hand!!! People read you’re kind of “nonsense” and think its ok to kill there babys. Shame! “freedom of choice” a lie told by Satan.  Try reading the true Bible again and this time listen to Jesus words, liar there is no “choice” you must accept him or dy for ever. its not the mote in the Churches eye its the beam in your own!!  You’re immorale Obama, Father of LiES who orders child murder is destroying this country not the Chruch. You need to open youre heart to Christ now before it is too late! [sic]

A liar and a pervert?  Sure, but it’s not my fault, see, I never had the advantages of being homeschooled like you obviously did.  Plus, I’m pretty sure Satan was my Calculus teacher.

You’re the one whose position isn’t consistent. You’re the one who keeps contradicting yourself. Liberals are hateful liars who spread lies. True conservatives (example Santorum) are not hypocrites. He is consistent because he believes in God which you obviously do not or you would be dead already and have to face your judgement.  [sic]

A little advice: while the phrase “If you believed in God, you’d be DEAD already!” is kind of catchy (especially if it was in neon comic sans over a smiling Buddy Jesus statue) you should probably avoid putting it on the pancake prayer breakfast posters.  I'm just saying.

[…] you seem to have flunked basic logic so let me spell it out for you, A woman who wants to murder her baby has already chosen to have sex outside of marriage. Because she is pregnant. Duh. If she was married her husband would not let anybody kill the baby. Get it?  So a trans v@ginal ultra sound is NOT “r@pe”  You can’t “r@pe” somebody who has already had sex outside of marriage.  She has already decided to let anybody into her uterus. Get it?  She wanted to have sex instead of waiting for marriage. She did have freedom of choice and that’s the problem. When you don’t chose God, you make bad choices. Get it now? [sic]

I may be no expert on how to pick up women but trust me on this, you're not going to "get it" either with an attitude like that.

Why do you liberals always say “uterus?” do you think that makes you sound smart? Or does political correctness make murder easier?

Oh, it’s definitely the second thing.  In fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret, if you chant “Uterus! Uterus! Uterus!” Satan appears with a pair of noise-cancelling headphones so that you don’t have to listen to the little screams while you’re ripping babies from the womb and running them though the Bass-O-matic.  Afterward, you get to keep the headphones. They’re great for airplanes, GOP debates, and satanic rituals while you’re enjoying a nice human eggnog smoothy. True story.

…this [molestation and child abuse] is YOUR fault!!!! People like YOU kicked GOD out of government. You kicked GOD out of school and the public square. You drove GOD away and now we have to pay for it. If you idiots would ask God back into America our once great country wouldn’t be going down the toilet. 2012. The world will end soon and then you will be SORRY. My adise? Prey. [sic]

Prey? uh, okay, but I don't see how hunting is going to get Jesus in the classroom. Unless … are there flannel clad Canadians involved?  

You said it boggles your little atheist monkey brain?  Well it boggles my mind that that people like you cant see what God is putting right in front of you, the country is falling apart, we have a president who hates America and isn’t even an American citizen. And no its not because he is black. It’s exactly like God predicted. The economy is worse then the great Depression, people out of work and they kill their own children!  What’s wrong with you? Why do you hate God so much? Do you think that killing unborn babies will make the economy better? I think too much war messed up your monkey brain. [sic]

I have a couple of funny stories about war and monkey brains, but since this is a family blog I probably better not say anything.

Why do you want to put something up a man’s butt? Think about it.  You need to accept Jesus because you are very sick. I am not joking.

Well, I was hoping if we stuck a probe up you ass we might find your head, but we'll have to move the Bishop out of the way first.

[in the post that sparked all of this, I suggested that men who believe women should be forced to have an ultrasound probe forcibly inserted into their vaginas in order to have an abortion should have to have a similar probe inserted rectally in order to buy Viagra. The phrase I used was “A man should have to look his prostate in the eye.” This did not go over very well with a certain group of folks]

Abuse does NOT happen in the church (not cathalic)  or the private schools, except for some stuff you see in the MSM and that’s mostly lies by liberals who want to teach EVILution LIES in the public schools so they are trying to get the church’s and private school closed.  Jesus teaches that those who point fingers are guilty of lies themselves.  So you point your finger at churchs. What are YOU hiding……Hmmmmm? [sic]

Well, you know me, I'd be the last one to argue with Jesus. We'd better start locking up all the cops and prosecutors and all the other finger pointers. And the politicians. And the ... Hey! Are you pointing you finger at me? You are, aren't you? Ohhhh, get in the sack, get in it right now.

You know, this kind of stuff doesn’t bother me all that much.

You get a couple hundred letters and comments of this kind and taken out context it can seem like the world is full of crazed flesh eating locusts. It can be downright depressing, and a number of you have written to express exactly that sentiment.  But you’ve got to look at it in perspective, there are eight billion people on the planet (I’m rounding off here, it’s not an exact number), and several hundred million Americans. These nuts are a tiny minority.  They’re a vocal minority sure, but a minority none the less. Most of the world is not insane.

Hell, look at the GOP primaries.  Despite all the noise, despite all of the crazy, the moderate is the clear front runner.  Just as a moderate was last time around too – even if he did pick a raving loon as his running mate.

When you leave the porch light on and you step out into a cloud of crazy suicidal moths, it can seem like the whole night is filled with light maddened bugs, but it’s only a trick of perception.

Some of it, like a few of the excerpts above, I find amusing rather than offense. Honestly, how can you not laugh at these people?  Sure it’s like picking on the class spaz, but damnit sometimes you just can’t help yourself.

Some I think verge on mental illness, a mental illness we are far too accepting of in this country, and certainly there is little amusing in that.

But most of it is just sad, sad that people actually look at the world in this manner, sad that they go through life as dim little sparks hating the world and hating everybody in it, sad that they actually think that there's some kind of everlasting happiness to be had by acting like stupid rotten bastards, sad that they are so worried about some mythical next life that they never enjoy this one right here. 

So, no, most of the hate mail and trollish comments do not particularly bother me, not even when they threaten my life. Not even when they cause me extra work or cause me to moderate the blog.

But there is a certain form of response that I do find offensive, just downright obnoxious in the extreme, an example of which was posted by an anonymous commenter on last week’s Insane Clown Posse Drinking Game post:

Jim, you have thoughts that I generally agree with, and you seem to be a talented woodworker. However, your verbal abuse of my Lord and Savior really turns me off. I was once like you in that regard, and am still a woodworker. Perhaps He whom you seem to hold in such low regard can design an event that will help you to see your error. He did for me. Best regards.

Now, the anonymous commenter can whore that up all he or she likes, they can tack a “best regards” on the end, but no matter how politely they word it, it’s an obnoxious bit of douchebaggery.  What this comment actually says is this:

I’m a lying sack of shit. See, I said I mostly agree with you and implied that I like what you write, but that’s really not true at all. What I really mean is that I admire your writing style, your talent, but I don’t like what you write.  What I really want is for you to write what I want to say but lack the talent and ability to do myself.  All that time you took to develop your skill with words? I don't want to have to do that, I just want to take yours. It’s sort of like saying well you know, I like that Tiger Woods, but I sure wish he’d quit that Jesus hatin’ golf and switch over to basketball because I don’t like golf but I sure like basketball.

I used to be normal.  Eventually something happened that turned me into a holier than thou religious nut.  So like those folks who quit drinking or quit smoking or quit screwing around, I now think everybody else must suddenly give up whatever they are doing and become a religious nut too.  I’m sort of bummed that God doesn’t do what I want and just wave his big magic God Stick and make you just like me. I wonder why he doesn’t? I find that very frustrating.  Now, since I am unlikely to convince you to amend your evil ways, what I hope happens is that Jesus just jams a fucking icepick into your eye and gives you a lobotomy. Yes, that’s correct.  All the things that make you you? The way you see the world? The things you fought for and the things you believe in? Right on down to the way you talk and the way you write? Fifty years of your personal experience, your life, your viewpoint? You sense of humor? All the things you’ve seen, the events that shaped your life? The people who love you just the way you are? Yeah, to hell with that. I’m closing my eyes and squeezing my fists together and asking God to just erase all of that, erase you, and make you into a magic meat puppet who only parrots things that I won’t find offense or contrary to my beliefs because obviously I am more important than you are and you should have to be just like me.

Oh and have a nice day.

The friendly tone of the comment doesn’t make it better or less offensive, it makes it worse.  It’s like finding a sugar coated pickled egg on your plate. Like lilac scented room deodorizer over the smell of rotting meat and halitosis. Like a pink Hello-Kitty paint job on a pair of brass knuckles. 

Like a pedophile disguised as a priest. 

It’s downright obnoxious is what it is. What kind of person, what kind of American, what kind of Christian, wishes a God Lobotomy on others?  What kind of person would wish that my mind be forcibly altered to fit their idea of who I should be? The unmitigated gall, the astounding arrogance, the unbounded self-righteous pride.

What kind of world would it be if people like Anonymous actually had their selfish wishes answered? If their God actually exists, maybe that’s why he doesn’t answer their prayers.  Funny thing, Jesus, son of God, all knowing, all powerful, he supposedly walked this earth and had the ability to just zap people into whatever meatloaf he wanted.

So why didn’t he?

Exactly.

But, hey, what the hell do I know, right?

 

The really ironic part? 

The really ironic part is that I will no doubt get hate mail for this post.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Moderation Is On

Due to a sudden, though inevitable, infestation of Right To Life Trolls and other such obnoxious types, comment moderation is now on.
 
It will remain that way until further notice.
 
Comments will be reviewed immediately if I’m not asleep, and posted if they meet commenting rules. Comments posted during the night will be reviewed in the morning.



Update 1 : Moderation is off for this and the previous post.  All older posts remain in moderation

 



Update 2: Wherein I answer your email concerns about the moderation policy.

Q: I hate moderation. I want my comment to appear right now!
A: Patience is a virtue.  I have no idea why, but it’s in the bible so it must be true.

Q: But I really, really hate moderation.
A: Too bad.  I don’t like trolls, and Ultra Conservative Right To Life trolls are an especially stupid and nasty bunch. Moderation stays on for now.

Q: FREEDOM!!! marg blurble ook ook! CONSTUTUTION! raff splarg BABIES!!! xlapoz ANTI-CHRIST!!! flif blor slurf USA USA!!!!?! (and so on)
A: I’m sorry, but internet law prohibits me from allowing your comment to post, erudite and articulate  though it may be, without the express written permission of your attending mental healthcare professional.  In triplicate. Via certified mail. Plus $5 shipping and handling.  Also a signed and notarized statement saying that you’ve read and understand the restraining order.

Q: I followed your rules, ass-face. Why didn’t you let my comment post? You suck.
A: Because either a) you type like a monkey with a head injury (see previous item) and I have no idea what you’re trying to say, or b) you’re a lying piece of human jetsam who didn’t read the rules, or c) you read the rules but don’t think they apply to you.  They do.  Your comment goes in the bit bucket. Suck it up, Buttercup.

Q: OK, I went back and read your stupid rules, why didn’t you let my comment post? You suck hard.
A: Because I don’t like you, and I don’t like your attitude, and I don’t like what you have to say. I pay for this blog, I’m not going to pay for you to call me names or threaten me.  I understand that some people enjoy that kind of thing, I don’t.  Perhaps you should seek out a blog by a conservative senator or a prominent religious leader, I understand many of them will pay to be abused. As a bonus they might even snort crystal meth out of your belly button.

Q: I bet you won’t let my comment post.  Because you know I’m right.  I dare you to post my comment. Dare you.
A: Oh, well, since you dared me… wait, ha! You didn’t double dog dare me! No post for you!

Q: Fag. Nazi. Communist. Nazi. Socialist. Fag. Why don’t you move to Iran? Fag. Nazi. Why don’t you move to Canada? Communist. Fag. Nazi. Why don’t you just die.  Hitler. Pussy. Fag. Nazi. Why do you hate America? Etcetera etcetera and so on. Nazi. Fag.
A: You left out stupid, lazy, and disrespectful (I will allow one bonus comment post if you get the reference).

Q: Fine, I’ll rephrase it in a manner that’s just as insulting but sounds more polite.
A: You’re still being a dickweasel and you’re just trying to start a shit fight.  This isn’t the Yahoo News Forum, YouTube, or your mom.

Q: I am now laughing out loud. Ha Ha. Flame wars generate hit counts. You don’t even know to use the internet. You, sir, are a novice at this bloggering thing, and I will label you as such using a word composed of a mixture of numbers and letters and at least one symbol to demonstrate my superior grasp of things 4Chan like.  Also, I will Laugh Out Loud again, in fact, I am so amused by your webbery ineptitude that I shall laugh until my buttocks fall right off. I am laughing right now. Laugh. Laugh laugh.
A: And yet, despite your assless chortling, I still manage to carry on.

Q: But, but, but, I’m quoting (Jesus, FoxNews, Ayn Rand, Ron Paul, Some guy at my church, some guy at the bar, Cthulhu, the voice in my head that sounds like Lambchop reading from Mein Kampf, all of the above) you have to let me post!
A: As amusing as that might be, no.

Q: You’re denying me my freedom of speech!  First Amendment! First Amendment!
A: I look forward to hearing from your lawyer.

and finally

Q: You’re an arrogant prick and your blog sucks.
A: So does your mom, the difference is that my blog didn’t charge you for it.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Rondy 2012

We spent the day in Anchorage at the Fur Rendezvous.

This is my favorite time of year and one of the things I dearly love about living in Alaska. 

During Rondy, the streets of downtown Anchorage are filled with the smell of wood smoke and good food and the crisp cold Alaskan winter.  The sound of happy people and excited dogs echoes off the buildings. And the streets are filled with snow. 

And in a week, it’s the Iditarod (those of you outsiders who think you know something about the Iditarod, think again, it’s one of the greatest stories in Alaskan American, history).

I spent the day taking pictures. Here are some of my favorites:

 

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And we finished up with lunch at the Snow Goose and Sleeping Lady Brew House, complete with a coffee sludge. 

An altogether excellent day to be an Alaskan.

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Perversity of Extremism Tends Toward The Maximum

The greatest tragedy in mankind’s entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion

Sir Arthur C. Clarke

“Credo,” Greetings, Carbon-Based Bipeds! Collected Essays, 1934-1998, 1999


I need a word.

And I’m pretty sure that word is “boggle.”

 

Let’s review, shall we?

Here we have a political party who believes that while corporations are people, and therefore imbued with unlimited and inalienable rights, women are not – not people and not imbued with the same rights as men or corporations. 

Paradoxically, and for no reason that I can fathom – other than perhaps either brainwashing or a staggering level of self loathing – there are actually women who share this belief.

Now, these are the same folks who have proclaimed themselves champions of personal liberty here in the United States of America and are opposed to any regulation on business even when the conduct of that business poses a real and immediate threat to the security and welfare to the entire nation, indeed the entire world, but who see nothing wrong with regulating the hell out of a uterus.  Men have rights. Corporations have rights. Churches have rights. Uteruses have rights. Fetuses have rights. Women have rights only so long as they don’t impinge on the previously mentioned rights.

These are the people who claim to revere the concept of personal responsibility, of self determination, of freedom –  and supposedly the consequences thereof – except when it comes to a woman’s right to decide what is right for herself and her aforementioned uterus.  These people believe that any woman who chooses to accept personal responsibility for her own decision, must not be allowed to make that decision if it conflicts with their religious beliefs – even if the woman in question isn’t an adherent of their religion. 

These are the folks who hysterically scream“fascism!” and “death panels!” and demand the right to decide their own medical decisions for themselves without interference from either their neighbors or the government or anybody else’s church, but somehow believe that God told them to legislate a woman’s healthcare options, and most especially that aforementioned uterus.

These are the folks who think laws governing healthcare that come from the federal government are “communism,” but the exact same directives issued at the state and local level somehow are not.

These are the folks who decry supposed social engineering by their political opposition, but see nothing wrong with attempting to manipulate the population by implementing laws and practices whose only purpose is to publically shame and humiliate any woman who avails herself of a legal medical procedure. Doubtless these are the kind of people who if they had ever read The Scarlet Letter, would see themselves as the smugly self righteous Puritans – but in reality they are the self-hating hypocrite, Reverend Dimmesdale, piously preaching God’s morality and waving the Bible, and with their holy robes carefully clutched over their own shameful brand.

These are the kind of people who hold governmental hearings on women’s healthcare, and don’t allow a single woman to participate on the panel.

These are folks who rage loud and hysterically demand new laws to prevent the bronze age edicts of Middle Eastern religions from being imposed upon the women of America, despite absolutely no evidence in any way shape or form of that happening and Constitutional prohibitions specifically preventing it in the first place, but then vehemently protest and threaten violence when they aren’t allowed to impose the medieval misogyny of a religion from another part of the Middle East upon those very same women while they simultaneously denounce those very same Constitutional protections. 

These are the folks who demand that their own religious icons be posted in American courthouses, and yet somehow completely and blindly fail to understand that if they actually did get their way and American law really was indeed based upon those very same Biblical directives, they would be some of the very first criminals stoned to death in the town square and outside the city gates, Jehovah didn’t differentiate between Democrat and Republican, Liberal and Conservative. There was a time when this land was governed by such laws, note the previously mentioned Nathaniel Hawthorne novel, somehow I seriously doubt many of these people really want to return to that world, most especially including a certain former Speaker of the House, presidential candidate, and serial adulterer – but I digress.

These are the people who actually think that abstinence is a workable form of birth control despite millennia of contrary examples, despite being supposed experts in the human condition, despite the fact their own priests and politicians can’t remain celibate, despite the staggering pandemic numbers of unwanted and unintended pregnancies, and despite the fact that they themselves (and their children) keep coming up pregnant – which probably goes a long way toward explaining why so many of them use birth control, including hormonal birth control, despite their hypocritical call for others to abstain.

These are the folks who would kill, who have killed, to defend a fertilized human egg that has neither divided nor implanted in the uterine wall, but abdicate any and all responsibility for the same child once it’s born. For them, life begins at conception and ends at birth.

These people adamantly reject sexual, marital, and reproductive healthcare recommendations from degreed and accredited American medical experts backed up by literally centuries of scientific advancement and experience, and embrace the palsied iron age godly “wisdom” of an 80-year old holy man in a pointy hat who holds no medical degree, has never entered into any long term sexual relationship let alone marriage and indeed may never have actually had sex with anybody, has never produced children, has never raised a family, lives a privileged and secluded life that has no resemblance to the average American in any way whatsoever, and who claims the moral and ethical high ground despite helming an organization that repeatedly and continually fails to acknowledge or take responsibility for countless heinous acts of systemic abuse of its own children, a man who only last week promoted to senior positions clergy who were directly responsible for perpetuating and enabling and covering up those very same acts, and a man too damned busy with the mote in everybody else’s eye to see the three hundred foot long, thirty foot in diameter, five hundred ton redwood tree lodged up to the rootball in his own eye socket.  Whenever I witness these pointy hat wearing sons of bitches questioning the president’s morality, it makes me want to vomit and I sincerely hope that there is an actual hell of brimstone and ice waiting for these vile fuckers, but I digress yet again.  I also spit on the ground at their feet.

These are the same silly sons of bitches who think that pregnancy resulting from rape is a gift from God.

These are the very same red faced blowhards who, at every single opportunity since the Lyndon Johnson administration, pontificate with relentless fervor against the welfare queens who supposedly do nothing but indiscriminately welp out an endless parade of crack-babies on the taxpayer dole, but now suddenly they’re against birth control.

These are the folks who hold women in utter contempt as fallen sinful creatures, as purveyors of some bullshit made-up concept of original sin, as less than man, as less than corporations, as weak and willful and unclean, but then are afraid that if a couple finds out that the sex of their fetus is female, well, heck they might abort.

And, yes, these are very same folks who think that the government has no authority to require insurance companies to pay for prenatal care or optional ultrasounds in order to ensure the health of a fetus intended to be carried to term, but do think the government should mandate the very same procedure for abortions (Seems to me that if you’re a  Texan, or a Virginian say, and want an expensive ultrasound analysis of your pregnancy for free, even if you’re uninsured (or your insurance company refuses to pay for it), all you have to do is say you’d like an abortion, then “change” your mind after the exam and “decide” do keep the baby – oh well, look at that blurry little blob, you’ve convinced me, Jesus! Be sure to ask for a hardcopy of the picture first, and maybe a video to keep you on the straight and narrow, and maybe some complimentary copies for grandpa and grandma, also how about a cup of coffee and some of those blueberry muffins? Otherwise I might just have to terminate this little bastard. Thanks, cream in the coffee, no sugar. But, as I’m sure you’ve already noted, I digress).

Yes, boggle.

It just boggles my mind.

It boggles my mind that anybody, let alone a woman, would actually propose a law that would require a doctor to jam an ultrasound probe into a woman’s vagina and force her watch video of a blob of tissue that by definition is so underdeveloped that it can’t even be detected by other means, that is so unlike a human being that it requires a specialist to interpret the various parts of the image. It boggles my mind that there is actually a woman on this planet who would actually think for one second that violating any other woman, let alone a traumatized woman who was impregnated through rape or against her will, was in any way whatsoever a moral or ethical or human thing to do.  The horrifying level of gender-hatred and self-loathing it must take to be that woman boggles my mind.

It boggles my mind that a governor, a supposedly educated man charged with the representation of all the citizens of his state – not just the ones with external plumbing or letters of incorporation – would actually even consider signing such an abomination.  And it boggles my mind that anybody, any American, would consider such a man for any elected office, let alone the office of Vice President.

No matter how many times these silly pinched-faced sons of bitches get shot down, they keep coming back. They keep trying to impose their bullshit on the rest of us.

They want us to believe that it isn’t about denying women the right to self-determination.

They want us to believe that it is about the children.

They want us to believe that it isn’t about their religion.

They want us to believe that it’s about the right to life.

Fair enough.

If it’s really about life, about the sanctity of life, if jamming a probe into a woman’s vagina and forcing her to look at her insides in order to exercise her constitutional right under the law is about life,if it’s about that, well then I propose a few amendments.

How about we say that any man attempting to exercise his right to access certain medications, say like Viagra, should have to undergo a thorough and complete medical review to ensure he is healthy enough for extended sexual activity, after all, the natural order of such things, i.e. God’s will, says that he’s not, otherwise he wouldn’t need the man enhancer in the first place would he?  The exam should include an invasive internal ultrasound of his prostrate. Sure jamming a probe up his ass is a completely unnecessary medical procedure, but we can never be too careful when it comes to life, now can we? A man should have to look his prostate in the eye so that he knows what he’s getting into, right?  And, since we’re talking about life here, he should also be tested for all known venereal diseases to ensure the safety of his partner and his potential offspring’s life.  Since certain venereal diseases may be dormant and may take time to manifest and become detectable, there might have to be a lengthy waiting period to ensure total safety of any potential life.

While we’re waiting for the test results, we can require a complete credit check of any man contemplating chemical man enhancement.  After all, should a child result from such artificial congress, the man will have to provide for it – because this is about life and certainly any man who creates life won’t mind if we mandate that he be responsible for it. In fact, this should be a law, knock up a woman and you’re responsible by law, forever, period.  You marry her and you stay married. Period. The cool part is that’s in the Bible.  Hard to argue with the old bible, eh?  Now because this is such a big responsibility, perhaps any man contemplating any activity that might result in life should be forced to view several hours worth of pictures of children, of diapers, of two AM feedings, of chicken pox, and braces, and driving lessons, and last but not least a spread sheet showing the cost to raise a child from implantation to college. 

If a woman must be made aware of the consequences of her own actions, then too should a man. Surely we can all agree to that?

After all, we’re talking about life here, right?

But why stop there?

Life is just getting starting at conception, isn’t it?

And life is sacred. Therefore:

Contemplating a steak? We should make you review a slide show of colorectal cancer and visit a slaughterhouse.  After all, you get sick from eating meat, we might have to pick up your medical bill, that makes your business our business – besides, who’s going to watch out for those kids you made? Better order a salad. Want a drink with your dinner?  Let’s visit an AA meeting first with a side trip to the morgue so that you fully understand the consequences of over indulgence.  Smoke?  No problem, right after you review these microscope slides of diseased lung tissue and visit a couple of emphysema patients.

Want a gun?  Well, then, since this is about the safety of children, of life, you’ll need to review cases of firearm related deaths that happen in the US each year. Now for simplicity’s sake, let’s say you will be only be required to look at a picture of every single child killed by gun violence for the previous twelve months, that’s actual real live children who have been born and are actual living breathing human beings – in 2007, for example, that was three thousand and forty two so you’d better get started.  You’ll need to do that for each weapon you intend to purchase. Because, damn it, this is about protecting life.  For a each additional gun, you can also look at pictures of the doctors shot down by folks who believe in the right to life.

Want to wage war? No problem, first you’ll need to serve in the military on the frontlines, let’s say twelve months in Afghanistan, next you can review pictures of battlefield casualties and dead civilians, and then we’ll be taking a trip to Dover so you can help carry the coffins of returning soldiers down the cargo ramp of the C-17’s, then you can start writing letters to their wives and sweethearts and parents and their children.  Oh, and as long as we’re talking about war, let’s review what you’re going to need to do to use those “enhanced” interrogation techniques…

And finally,

Before attending your next Sunday service, you’ll need to review the church’s history of genocide, complicity in the Holocaust, pedophilia, molestation, and rape. 

Since we’re talking about the children, I mean.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Happy Apostrophe Optional Day To You, Good Sir!

Parts of this post appeared previously on President’s day in 2010.  Yes, I am recycling. Because I’m all environmentally conscious like that.  If the earth goes to hell, it won’t because I wasted electrons. You’re welcome. Make sure Al Gore spells my name correctly on the Nobel Prize  – Jim

 


 

 

Presidents Day?

Is this a stupid holiday or what?

We should call today what it is, Just Another Random Fucking Reason To Close the Post Office Day.

Whose dumb idea was this anyway? It was Congress, wasn’t it?  (no way! They couldn’t be that stupid. But I digress rhetorically).

No, really, considering the sheer level of contempt most Americans have for their government these days, not to mention specifically and in particular the president, we’re really going to celebrate something called president’s day? Presidents Day? Seriously?

What are the Presidents Day traditions? Do we burn down our garages while deep frying a turkey full of firecrackers? Is there animal sacrifice involved? Do we put up colored lights? Gift wrap fudgesickles? Paint eggs? Shoot guns into the air and light our farts? (that would be my choice, just saying) Should we maybe nail some guy to a cross and poke him with sticks? Burn witches and dress up in costumes based on the latest Spielberg movie? Is there a corned beef and leprechauns involved? Shouldn’t there be some kind of sporting event and a parade in New York? What? I’m a little hazy on what this day is supposed to be about. Does Hallmark even make a card for President’s Day?  Would it be like The holiday season? You know, Christmas cards for right thinking true actual Americans, Chanukah cards for the Jews, Generic Festivus Card for the non-believers, money orders for the Scientologists, and like that?  Are there Liberal and Conservative President’s Day cards? If not, somebody is seriously missing out on a lucrative business opportunity. 

Like The holidays, do people get pissy if you don’t call it after their particular thing? P-Day? Ooooh, I’m so offended! Offended, I tell you! This is the day that we celebrate the magical virgin birth of little baby George Washington who was delivered unto America in a cloud of sparkly Angel farts by Jesus! By God, this day isn’t about celebrating Lincoln. It’s not about Taft. It’s not Grover Cleveland day! It’s Washington! George Reagan Jefferson Washington! Why have [insert generic political object of derision/Enemy of America™ here] declared war on little baby George Washington? Why?!

What’s the greeting? Every holiday has a salutation of some kind. Merry Christmas, Kiss Me I’m Irish lets go back to my place and have drunken leprechaun sex, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Happy Easter (or as it’s known around here, Yikes! Zombies!).  What’s the salutation for Presidents’ Day? Personally, I use “Blow it out your ass, Bobo,” but then again I use that greeting pretty much every day. If it catches on, I’ll be rich from the greeting card royalties alone.

Ask yourself something, how can this be a real holiday? Folks, think about it, there isn’t a even a pie

That’s right, all real American holidays worth closing the Post Office for come with pie.  Presidents Day? No pie.

I think I’ve made my point here.

Presidents Day, it’s ridiculous.

Now, of course, originally, we celebrated George Washington’s birthday. 

Because, Americans being Americans, they declared their independence from England, told the Crown to shove off, spit on the idea of aristocracy and royalty and the divine right of kings, and made all men equal – and then immediately set about elevating their own set of icons to worship.

Starting with George.

I guess I can dig that.  George Washington was the father of the United States, born in Texas, he was a personal friend of Jesus, he threw a silver dollar across the Mississippi, he wrestled a polar bear when he was only three wearing nothing but a coonskin cap and freed the slaves at the Alamo, and then he fought off the Nazis after they bombed Pearl Harbor – or something. 

OK, I’m not sure exactly what George did, but he’s Sarah Palin’s hero and that’s good enough for me.

But that wasn’t good enough for everybody else, oh no.

Pretty soon, people wanted the day off for their favorite President too.

So then we had Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday. That was fun, people dressed up in stovepipe hats and went to see a play…

But pretty soon people were talking about taking the day off for Thomas Jefferson’s Birthday too.

And then there was Benjamin Franklin’s birthday - he was never the President, but he’s on the money and that confused a lot of people and besides he discovered electricity and Pop Tarts and that ought to be worth a couple days of drinking and tailgating and some kind of bowl game. 

Pretty soon folks were talking about taking Grover Cleveland’s wedding anniversary off and going up to Big Bear for a four day weekend.

Then somebody came up with the idea of Vice President’s day, and Speaker of the House Day, and Take Your Press Secretary To Lunch Day, and Spend A Night In The Motel 6 With Your Congressional Page Day.

By the end of the 1960’s, things were just totally out of hand – there were so many holidays that the 60’s seemed like one long party. That’s where hippies and venereal disease came from. The 60’s were not, in fact, a cultural revolution, it just seemed that way because everybody had been basically drunk for a decade (which also explains the hygiene issues).

So around about 1971, Congress sobered up long enough to create Presidents Day.

Technically, it’s supposed to be Washington’s Birthday but saying that out loud started the whole “what about my president!” thing all over again.  So we just call it Presidents Day. Or President’s Day. Or maybe Presidents’ Day – nobody is really sure what to do about that stupid apostrophe.

The problem with “Presidents Day” is that it is supposed to be a day we all take off and ruminate on the greatness of our leaders here in the US.  And sure, that sounds terrific in principle, but in reality there were some real duds in the ol’ Presidential line up.

Take Marty Van Buren:

image

Give this guy a red rubber nose and we’re talking Bozo the Clown here.  And that’s how a lot of people felt about him.  In the 1830’s there was basically no federal banking regulation and Wall Street just sort of did whatever it pleased – including handing out huge loans to people who couldn’t pay them back, ever.  A massive financial crisis resulted.  Marty was a rich elitist and liked to live the highlife, you can imagine what the average voter thought of him by the end of his first term. 

Fortunately, thanks to Congress and modern laws, nothing like that can happen these days.

Or how about John Tyler:

image

Tyler ended up in the White House by default.  President William Henry Harrison gave the longest inaugural speech in history – in the pouring rain, in freezing temperatures, without a coat or a hat – and as a result he had the shortest presidency of all time when he died from pneumonia less than a month later.  Hey, I’m all about term limits, but that seems a little extreme. Then again, what if presidents did come with an expiration date? (better yet, what if congressmen did? But I digress. Again).

John Tyler, who was Harrison’s Vice President, was sworn in as the booby prize.  Tyler was so widely despised that he is often confused for George W. Bush by historians.  His entire cabinet resigned in protest of his policies. The House tried to impeach him and he was actually thrown unceremoniously out of his own party.  After he was eventually evicted from the Oval Office, he joined the Confederacy and died during the Civil War as a Representative of the CSA House. 

Personally, I think the guy missed his calling, he could have made a killing as the “before” picture for any number of laxative manufacturers.

And do we really want to celebrate James Buchanan?

image

It’s creepy uncle Fester! 

What? Nobody owned a comb back in the 1800’s?

Buchanan, besides being the inspiration for Donald Trump’s hair stylist, basically caused the Civil War.

Be sure to raise a couple of brewskies in his memory today, won’t you?

 

How about Rutherford B. Hayes?

image

The only President with a more sissified first name than Millard Fillmore (seriously, Millard? Were his parents just trying to get him beat up every single day of his life?).

Hayes lost the popular vote, but won the Presidency in court – thank God that kind of shit doesn’t go on any more. 

His inauguration was actually held in secret, for fear that he’d be assassinated if he appeared in public for his swearing in.  You know, I’m not a superstitious man, but I’d consider that a somewhat less than auspicious start to any administration.

Wait, it gets better, his wife was known as Lemonade Lucy because she banned alcohol from the White House – funny, but you’d think she’d drink pretty much continuously if she had to sleep with this guy. C’mon, Lucy, give The Beard some sugar!

Then there’s Warren Harding:

image

Widely regarded as “The Lost Munster,” Harding is considered by most American historians as probably the only US president who can’t look at George W. Bush and say, “Well, at least I didn’t suck as much as that guy.”

He was easily corrupted, a serial adulterer, an astoundingly horrible leader, and a worse public speaker – in fact, this guy was so bad at talking out loud, that he made Dan Quayle look like the president of Toastmasters.

Also, he was the guy behind the Teapot Dome scandal.

He died in office and the only reason anybody even noticed was because shit started getting better.

 

How about this guy?

image

I’m going to be honest with you here, I think William Jefferson Clinton is the perfect role model for an American holiday.

No, seriously.

Frankly I don’t think it gets any more American than this guy.  Left, Right, independent, c’mon there isn’t a male in all of America that doesn’t secretly fantasize about getting a hummer from an amply cushioned cute intern in the Oval Office. I’m mean if you’re not getting free gratuitous sex, what’s the point of being President in the first place? It’s not like there’s pie. Sure I hate him for being that guy who caused my 80 year old mother to use the word “blowjob” in a sentence, but really, what better way to celebrate President’s day than we watch the game, we eat junk food and swap stories of our sexual conquests that may or may not be, er, well, embellished? Hell, yeah, we’ll drink too much shitty lite beer and fight in public with our spouses. And afterward we’ll have a cigar and (wink) not have sex with that woman (wink wink). Again.

Now that’s a holiday tradition most Americans could get behind (or in front of, depending on your fancy, but I digress).

 

And finally, how about this pudknocker?

image

If you call it Presidents Day, then you have to celebrate all of the presidents.

 

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go stuff the turkey with firecrackers before putting it in the deep fryer.

Happy George Washington’s Birthday, folks.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Station Upgrades

I’m making some upgrades and alterations to Stonekettle Station this weekend.

Yes, yes. Please, stop your wailing. It needs to be done.

Despite the fact that I haven’t been posting more than two times a week lately, readership continues to increase at a steady rate – and has ever since the America posts. I needed to make some changes to accommodate the traffic load. 

I keep thinking that I should probably switch Stonekettle Station from the Blogger platform to something a little more modern, say like Wordpress, but the thought of making the jump and the danger of data loss inherent in any process of such nature fills me with a huge amount of ennui.  Maybe later, but not today. I’ve already got enough stuff to do this weekend.  Plus, I just plain like Blogger.  I’m used to it and it’s comfortable and it works. And Google keeps making improvements to the Blogger platform. Some of which you’ll see here today and may have noticed already. So, I’m going to wear it like a ratty sweatshirt until it just completely falls apart.

If you think I should switch to another platform and you can’t wait to tell me all about it in the comments, well feel free.  But be warned, unless you’re sending me money, brownies, and guilt free jungle monkey sex, I’ll probably just ignore you. 

Anyway, fear not, most of the changes are under the hood. Mostly I’m making tweaks to how the pages load and streamlining how I gather statistics.

However, a couple of the modifications will affect you directly.

First, you’ll notice a sharp stabbing pain at the base of your skull. There may be some momentary nausea and disorientation.  Ignore that.

Second, there is now a floating social media banner to the left of the main posting field, making it easier to share content with the world. All the really cool blogs wear them like a pretty bow on their comely heads and I wanted one too. The usual share buttons are available, Facebook, Twitter, StumbleUpon, Digg, and Google+.  The counters may or may not be completely accurate, depending on when coding for each was enabled. Also, I’ve noticed the counts change depending on a number of factors. The Facebook count for the America post is way, way off, too low by like a bazillion.  I may have lost some data there, the current count is just back to the beginning of the year.  I’m tweaking the code, it should stabilize eventually.  Changes to the banner will be made as social media systems evolve.  Digg for example is mostly, but not quite, dead.  I included it just because I have a certain fondness for it.  But it’ll probably be replaced by something else eventually. The counter is page specific, or it’s supposed to be anyway.  So if you want to share a specific post, you have to be on that page, otherwise you’ll share Stonekettle Station itself. I’m good either way.

Third, the biggest change is to how Stonekettle Station handles commenting.  Comments are now embedded in a manner similar to WordPress blogs, i.e. there is no longer a separate primitive looking comments page, comments are embedded at the bottom of each post.  Also, note that you can now reply to specific comments by other readers, simply click “reply” under the comment you wish to address.  Remember the commenting rules, those haven’t changed.   If you have problems commenting or seeing the changes, you may need to clear your cache and/or cookies and reload the page.  Also note that Stonekettle Station is optimized for the latest versions of the popular browsers, if you’re using IE6 or older, you may have trouble displaying the site correctly – likely, if you’re using IE6, you and I probably aren’t going to be friends anyway, so I’m not going to lose any sleep over it, just saying.

Mobile versions of the website are available. Mobile sense is enabled and the compact version should load automatically on mobile devices, though I note that the tablet version of Chrome on Android 3.5 or higher mobile devices continues to display the full version of Stonekettle Station – probably because Android 3.5 is so awesome that it can play in the big leagues with full blown desktops. 

Other changes and updates will continue over the next few days. 

If I break the site and you are unable to enjoy my psychotic brain droppings pithy musings, I will see that you are justly compensated for your trouble: Liberals will receive a free bunny, conservatives will be impregnated against their will and forced to raise my bastard as their own in accordance with God’s plan, everybody else gets chocolate waffles.

 

Consider this an open forum. Squabble amongst yourselves.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Insane Clown Posse Drinking Game

 

Me: So, GM reports highest profits ever. 

Him: Well. Yah. Whatever.

Me: So, it looks like the auto industry bailout wasn’t such a bad idea after all, eh?

Him: I never said it was. 

Me: Bwah? Never said it was? You’ve bitched about the bailouts like every single time I’ve talked to you for the last three years!

Him: Barry is busy taking credit for saving the auto industry.  Must be an election year.

Me: The hell?

Him: And it wasn’t “bailouts.” It was TARP and it was actually Bush’s idea, Barry just took credit for it. Bush gets credit for saving Detroit. It sure as hell wasn’t your boy. Barry hates big business. Hates it. He’s just doing what he always does, buying the Union vote with our tax dollars.  You don’t see him bailing out small businesses or non-union companies do you?

Me: Jesus Haploid Christ, Dude, you’re mixing all kinds of shit together and anyway, now TARP is a good idea? Seriously? Exactly how much of that Kool-Aid did you drink? Because I think you might need to call Poison Control…

 

In retrospect, maybe I should have advised him to call Alcoholics Anonymous.

 

The absurd amount of paint-chip eating, baboon faced, nose picking, dimwitted verbal diarrhea in this election season is fast approaching a level of frothy double-thinking stupidity that even an avowed political junkie like yours truly finds simply astounding.

During the Super Bowl, an American icon narrates a commercial about optimism and bringing jobs back to a depressed American city and buying a Chrysler – and the noose and torch waving extremists led by Karl Rove go absolutely monkey shit, accusing Clint Eastwood, Clint The Man With No Name Eastwood for fuck’s sake, of shilling for President Obama and being anti-American. Clint Eastwood. Because, optimism, you see, is obviously a communist plot by Muslim Bilderberg Illuminati to save one of the largest remaining American industries and a couple million jobs in the Midwest in order to destroy capitalism, kill Jesus, bring about the New World Order, and turn our internal organs into a tasty nacho cheese flavored paste, or something, maybe, I’m a little hazy on the details, whatever. The important thing is that only gun lovin’ war mongerin’ Jesus humping rightwing extremists can be patriots.  Optimism equals Liberalism equals terrorism, that’s a tip from Homeland Security, kids, write it down. Also, Clint Eastwood obviously hates the Jesus and he’s probably gay, somebody check the bumper of his Prius for a Jebus Fish. (Aside: you ever notice how Karl Rove bears a really striking physical resemblance Major Toht, the creepy Gestapo guy from the first Indiana Jones movie? What? I’m just saying it’s a weird coincidence is all. No, no, never mind, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about).  Republican Funnyman Mitt Romney condemned Obama’s bailout of Detroit, but then immediately explained how he, himself, as president no less, wouldn’t have let “automakers be liquidated” – despite personally penning a piece in the November 2008 New York Times entitled (and I quote) “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” (and I unquote).  Everybody clear on that?  If Obama bails out Detroit, it’s anti-American socialist cheese making with ass-buggery by Clint Eastwood.  But if Romney, the guy who made two hundred million dollars by liquidating companies and who specifically said in writing that automakers should go bankrupt but now says he was just kidding, ha ha, if he says he would have bailed out Detroit, well, sir, that’s, um, well, not socialism. 

I guess it depends on why you bailed out Detroit. 

Do it to save two million American blue collar jobs, it’s socialism. 

Do it to make grotesquely rich CEOs and white collar venture capitalists even more grossly richer, it’s double-plus extra special American cheeseburgers with sparkly bald eagles on top shooting red white and blue bottle rockets out of their assholes while the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders sing a Country and Western version of God Bless America.

Remember, folks, ObamaCare = OMFG! Nazis

RomneyCare = uh, well, ur, OMFG! Look over there! Clint Eastwood is totally ass raping Jesus! And he hates puppies! And white people! It’s Twue!

When it comes to oral gymnastics, Mitt Romney is far more gifted than Linda Lovelace ever was. If politics doesn’t work out for him, he should seriously consider hardcore porn. For Romney, it’s basically the same thing and you don’t have to wear a tie – unless it’s the Horny Governor and the Nympho Intern script.

Yesterday, Congressional Conservatives just gave up.  John Boehner threw in the towel. Fuck it. Fine. Keep your stupid un-American payroll tax cuts. Fine, just fine. Make Jesus cry. Jerks. Whatever. Stupid voters.  Boehner himself was nearly in tears because congressional republicans, after fighting tooth and nail for tax breaks for the wealthiest 2% of Americans, were being blamed for wanting to raise Social Security withholdings on the middle class. Boehner felt it was just so monumentally unfair of Democrats to take advantage of the Republicans’ clearly stated position during an election year, because, of course, Boehner himself would never ever do such a thing. No Sir. Nope. Never.  The Speaker shouldn’t have worried, like my friend up above there are still plenty of loyal Kool-Aid drinkers.  Take Douglas the Yahoo Commenter:

Obama doesn't want to help the MIDDLE CLASS , he wants to GIVE MORE to the LEECHES !!! [sic]

Apparently we’re now defining leeches as those Americans (and non-Americans) who have jobs and pay taxes.  See, what we are in point of fact talking about here, by definition, are payroll tax breaks. Payroll tax breaks. Payroll.  Pay. Roll. Payroll tax breaks. The idea is you get less taken out of your paycheck (an amount equal to about one small tank of gas per month if you want to get specific about it).  Generally, you have to have a job to get a paycheck in order to have FICA withheld.  We’re now calling those people “leeches,” please note the change and use the term appropriately in official communication.

Meanwhile, The Newter still wants to cut government spending and eliminate the National Debt by declaring war on Iran and building a ten gazillion dollar base on the lunar surface manned by poor children who learned their astronaut skills while working as janitors in the Gingrich After-School Program Of Jesus Flavored Capitalism in order to spin magic moon dust into phallus shaped starships and shower the golden gospel of Trickle Down Reaganomics throughout the universe.

Rick Santorum thinks “We have to be concerned” about the very poor. And of course the best way to do that is to deny them access to healthcare and make them have unwanted babies.  Birth control  and prenatal care are for people who love Jesus and can afford to fly to Costa Rica for a secret abortion.  That’s in the Bible, you can look it up, it’s right next to that part about how filthy flawed dirty slyly sinful whorish womankind should cheerfully marry their rapists and love them long time forever bang bang while bearing their children which, by the way, are a gift from God (Violated? Sorry about that, here have a baby as compensation!) – or be stoned to death, whatever (Christianity, religion of love, not like that Muslim stuff. Not at all. Nosiree).  Foster Friess, Chief bankroll  of Santorum’s SuperPAC suggested today that woman should use the Ann Landers Birth Control Method

This contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s so expensive. Why, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.

Heh, heh, conservative gals just love that joke. Because they are filthy harlots.  Santorum himself said that he thinks access to birth control is destroying our civilization, and that it has “serious long-term consequences to the society,” and that he doesn’t “think it’s a healthy thing for our country.” However, when questioned about his clearly stated position, i.e. that God hates birth control because he prefers to kill babies off himself, Santorum said that, well (insert shuffling feet and darting eyes here), um, women should maybe have access to birth control because, and dig this, because there “is a difference between policy matters and religious beliefs.” 

The Fuck?!

No, seriously, What. The. Fuck?

Okay, Rick, then let us discuss a woman’s right to access an abortion. Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Holy Mother of God (everybody, swear like a Catholic!), even Jesus Christ thinks you’re an asshole.

Honestly, this guy is so full of shit that I’m tempted to ask gay people to give up their definition of “Santorum” and allow me to redefine it as “Jesus Christ! Run for your lives! It’s cannibal Nazi clown zombies riding robot polar bears that shoot killer bees out of their eyes while flaming babies fall screaming from a bright orange sky and explode on the sidewalk like water balloons filled with chunky spaghetti sauce! Also, anal sex.”

And finally, there’s good old Ron Paul.  Still being ignored by the media. Except when he’s garrulously whining about how the media is paying too much attention to him. It’s feast or famine with this guy and nothing in the middle.  I’ll say this about Paul, he’s consistent. Consistently nuts. Consistently last. Somebody remind me how many primaries he’s won (It’s ok if you include the 2008 primaries too, I don’t mind)?  How many? It was a big round number, wasn’t it?  Of course, of course, it’s all the fault of the evil liberal elite media run by evil liberal elitists of evil.  If only they’d write a totally non-biased article about Dr. Ron:

Presidential shoe-in and certain victor, Dr. Ron Paul – Favored of Jesus, Super Genius, War Hero, Leading Economist, Olympic Champion, Ball Room Dancer, Chess Master, Tutor to Chuck Norris, Juggler of Chainsaws, Vagina Whisperer, and all around Purveyor of Tasty Nacho Flavored Awesomeness – now leads the GOP presidential field from an enviably position of fourth place…

It’s pretty obvious that Democrats like the GOP line-up a hell of a lot more than Republicans do.

And for good reason.

Because it’s hysterical.  It’s just plain fucking hysterical that this insane clown posse is the best they can do.  I mean, come on. Romney, Gingrich, Santorum for fuck’s sake, and Ron Paul. That’s it. That’s really it?  Those are the choices?  This is what it’s come down to? Really?

It’s enough to drive you to drink, isn’t it?

Sure it is.

And you know what? I say, to hell with it, let’s drink.

Alcohol, in copious amounts, is the only way we’re going to get through the next year. Trust me on this, my shiny electronic friends, I was in the Navy, I’m a professional.

Let us drink.

In fact, let’s make a game of it.

Every time somebody says Obama is a Muslim, take a drink. Liberal Elite? Take a drink. Stem cells? Drink! Iran? Drink! Bailouts? Gun control? Drink! Drink! Banks, birth certificates, and babies? Drink! Drink! Drink

Sarah Palin? Shotgun a tallboy and burp the William Tell Overture like D-Day from Animal House!

Romney put his pet on the roof of the family truckster? Chug a beer from the dog bowl! If he mentions Obamacare, it’s flaming shots made with isopropyl alcohol and Hospital lime Jell-O! Don’t worry about the wood grain alcohol making you blind, the hospital Jell-O will probably kill you first.

Newt says build a moon colony? Hang from the doorjamb in gravity boots and let’s do upside down Margaritas! Four or five of those babies and we’ll be swapping wives! And, we’re already wearing gravity boots! Now if we can just find a hooker and a rubber chicken…

Anytime Ron Paul says End the Fed, we do boilermakers made with Dos Equis and a double shot glass of Geritol.

Whenever Rick Santorum says Rape Babies, take two roofies and chase them down with a box of cheap wine. If he talks about your sex life, it’s Tequila Sunrises made with grenadine and a dash of KY! If he blames his wife for something he wrote, slap the nearest harlot on the ass and send her to the store for a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and there’s a good girl!

And any time any candidate mentions abortion, drop a raw egg into a test tube of formaldehyde and swallow it whole.

 

Now you try.

 

If you need me, I’ll be at the liquor store.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Marines, Symbols, And A Little Perspective Please

 

Other than a few smart Alec comments on Facebook and the occasional post here, I’ve been offline for most of the last couple of weeks.

Some of you noticed and wrote to wonder why.

No, I haven’t stopped writing. Nor have I lost interest in it. Nor have I been kidnapped by space aliens.

I’ve been ill.

It’s been ongoing for about a month and a half now.

Nothing life threatening, unless you count the possibility of drowning in my own mucus, but between feeling like absolute hammered crap from both the illness and the drugs they gave me to fix it, I haven’t had any energy left for writing. I thought I was better for a while, then it came back with a vengeance.  For the last two weeks, I’ve mostly spent all day in a fog feeling like I’m wearing cement shoes, then I come home from work and eat a dinner I can’t taste, and fall into bed.  I’m pretty sure I am singlehandedly responsible for putting every kid whose parents work on the Kleenex assembly line through grad school.

I seem to be getting over it now, thanks to Teh Eeevil Big Pharma, so yay for that. 

Over the last few weeks I let the email pile up.  So, if you wrote expecting some kind of answer and didn’t get one, well, it’s me not you.  What? Alright, it is a little you, when I’m sick I find you just irritating as all hell. Your voice is like a rusty razor blade grating on my spinal column. I actively hate you and between bouts of coughing I am plotting your demise.  (Ok, I’m not a good sick person, I know that).  Anyway, email. I’m going to be honest, I probably won’t read the older stuff, there’s just too much of it.  However, I have managed to read back over the last couple of days and a number of you asked what I thought of this:

 

My thoughts?

Meh.

That picture has been floating around the internet for the last two years and recently came to light when a leading Jewish organization saw it and was predictably outraged. 

Rabbi Marvin Hier, founder of the Los Angles Simon Wiesenthal Center, among others (both Jewish and not) demanded an investigation and discipline of the Marines involved.

If you’re not sure what the hoopla is about, it’s the big blue flag with the double “s” that resembles stylized lightning bolts.

The Marines in the picture say that flag was intended to represent their profession, Scout Sniper.

However, many folks, including Rabbi Hier say those lightning bolts bear a distinct resemblance to the symbols of the dreaded Nazi Waffen SS, the Schutzstaffel, Hitler’s special military forces who were irrefutably responsible for horrifying atrocities before and during World War II – many of most infamous were carried out against Jews.

Yesterday the Marine Corps announced that the matter has been investigated, no malicious intent was found nor any violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice nor Military Regulations, and therefore the Marines involved will not be disciplined.

The Corps does however, regard the incident as regrettable and used it as a “teachable moment.”

Again, somewhat predictably, Rabbi Hier was not satisfied:

“That 70 years after the United States Armed Forces helped liberate Europe from Nazi Germany, to learn that a unit of the United States Marine Corps serving in Afghanistan adopted the SS insignia alongside the Stars and Stripes, desecrates the memory of some 200,000 Americans who gave up their lives to defend freedom against that infamous symbol”

Maybe.

If I wasn’t so damned tired from being ill, maybe I could work up some outrage.  If I was Jewish, maybe I’d be offended. If I was one of those who fought against the Nazi’s 70 years ago, or was related to one of the 200,000 dead Rabbi Hier mentioned, maybe I’d be mad as he apparently is.

But probably not.

I try to save my outrage for targets that actually matter. 

These are United States Marines.  Not only that, they are scout snipers.  They are an elite unit of an elite fighting force.  They are sworn to honor and to duty and to the Constitution of the United States.   I find it somewhat difficult to believe that these men, of all our military forces these men in particular, would deliberately associate themselves with Nazis.

Hier says he doesn’t believe it was an innocent mistake. 

He wants the Marines disciplined and he thinks the American public has a right to know what “really” happened – with the obvious implication being that something nefarious is happening.

“This shameful display of SS 'lightning bolts' by U.S. service personnel enrages our regional allies, emboldens the extremist Islamist forces with whom we are contending, and eviscerates good order, morale, and discipline within the U.S. Marine Corps”

The Rabbi offers no evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, to back up this claim.

I’m not saying he’s wrong per se, but I see no evidence to back up Rabbi Hier’s assertion that good order and discipline have been degraded in any fashion whatsoever within the Marine Corps as a result of this picture. Nor do I see any evidence that our allies are offended in any official or unofficial capacity (and by allies, I assume we mean Israel, since in this post Bush era they’re the only ally who actually counts or would possibly give a good goddamn). Nor do our enemies appear to be rallying around this picture for either good or ill.  Note, I do admit to bias here, as I am always supremely skeptical of any accusation that contains the vague and non-quantifiable word “embolden.”

It’s ironic, don’t you think? The Rabbi’s unsupported claim of insidious evil within the ranks?  A creeping fifth column agenda perpetrated by those who would topple freedom and liberty from within?  Ironic in that there was a time and a place where similar unsupported accusations against Jews led to their persecution at the hands of those who thought themselves righteous in the service of country.

Maybe it’s just me.

One has to wonder, however, if the good Rabbi has seen the logo displayed on the cover of the various KISS albums, but I digress.

One also has to wonder if those expressing outrage are familiar with military symbols in general.

Sure the SS displayed on the Scout Sniper’s flag resembles the Nazi SS logo. Maybe even deliberately so and with malice aforethought. So?  So do the skulls routinely displayed in military tattoos and painted on tanks and worn as decorations resemble the Nazi Deaths Head. Just as do the swords and daggers and various crosses of military heraldry. The Nazis didn’t invent this stuff you know, no more than they invented the Swastika or any other military iconology. 

Now, does that mean that the Marines in that picture above displayed the best judgment?  I think the answer to that is probably obvious.  At least I hope it is.

And I can certainly understand how the SS symbol could be perceived by Jews the same way the Stars and Bars are perceived by the descendants of American slaves.

However, context is everything.

These are young men, full of pride, full of piss and vinegar, the best of the best. They are bent to the horrible business of war.  It’s important to understand that they are not just surrounded by the symbols and tools of death, they are surrounded by death itself.  You’ve heard me say this before, context is everything. Everything.  And the context of this picture is not something that many folks experience – and that’s probably a good thing. These men are Marines, Scout Snipers, and they were proud of that.

Should you be outraged that their flag bears some passing resemblance to a hated Nazi symbol?

Outraged? Probably not.

Should you be concerned that they, as Marines, didn’t seem to know why others might be offended?

Maybe. The USMC thought so, and took corrective action.  Something Marines do very well indeed.

Should you be worried that these young men appear to be ignorant of history?

No.

The young are often ignorant, and na├»ve, and blissfully unaware of the consequences of their own actions in the greater world (just one of the many reasons we tend not to send older folks to war, they are far too aware of the consequences. But I digress, again). These hard young men will have learned from this, the Marine Corp will make certain of that – you can count on it.  Thus will they gain a bit of wisdom. Or not. Such is being young and foolish and indestructible and alive

I was there once, long ago, and I suspect many of you were too.

Now, to be clear, I’m not going to be so crass as to tell Rabbi Hier not to be outraged, but it seems to me that there are plenty of cases of legitimate hate that he should be far more concerned about.  

And he doesn’t have to look any further than the comments his own outrage has generated:

and N korean, Iranian and chinese soldiers march like nazis, you yahoo libtard writers are waaay too sensitive, go bang a black chick and maybe you will see the light [sic]

I, um, what?

Just another example of trying to tear down our military. Media is behind it all- harming our country to make headlines!

GENERAL .... NO MORE VIDEO ... NO MORE PHOTO ... WAR IS WAR ....

Ah yes, the liberal media is responsible.  If only they wouldn’t report things, then the Rabbi wouldn’t have anything to be offended by.  If only it was like the old days, say 1938 or so, when Jews and other undesirables were being herded into camps in Europe, with Americans blissfully unaware. 

The New World Order has arrived.

Really? This is the New World Order? I was sort of expecting, I dunno, more.

Also, New World Order sounds like a punk metal band to me.  Four skinny white guys, shaved heads, makeup, leather, Nazi symbols, doing a Sex Pistols cover of God Save the Queen, she ain’t no human being!

hello wake up. i have friends who are white. OK the symbol is questionable. if it isn't then its OK to be white and proud of it. all people are proud of what they are born with soooooooo i guess these bunch of marine guys/girls are proud to be white and perhaps like to kill of their own mankind.........hellohellohello.................................carrying a symbol of what who knows..............may be like to scare.....BOO!!!!! [sic]

Boo, indeed. Wait, what?

I see this as an insult to anyone who has ever worn the uniform, and particularly insulting to WWII veterans and those who died to rid the world of the Nazi's including my grandfather, and the families of hundreds of thousands of their descendants.

Well, thank you for being insulted on behalf of all us veterans and our families and all of our descendents.  Big of you.

This pic is 2 years old? It is being dredged up because the 'big' story about Marines peeing on dead savages did not gin up the outrage the press was hoping for... throw this one out there now and see if it works...brought to you by the AP commitee to re-elect the president.

It always comes down to Obama, doesn’t it?  The man is nefarious. He probably ordered these Marines to make this picture. I bet they’re not even Marines! Why, they’re probably gay homosexual socialist Jewish actors on a sound stage!  Will he stop at nothing to get reelected? Ooooh, now I’m outraged. Outraged I tell you!

Acted out of ignorance? This story gets lamer and lamer. If elite snipers are ignorant, why do they have a .$50,000.00 rifle in their hands, they might shoot someone out of ignorance? I cant tell you how much this pi)sses me off.  This is how it starts everytime. [sic]

Oh yes, when fascism comes to America, it’ll be in the guise of a couple of Scout Snipers and their lightning bolt flag.

notice how the excited states habitually fails to punish troops who engage in despicable behaviour? [sic]

Where exactly are the “exited states?” Because here in America we do, in fact, punish troops who violate the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and you don’t have to go very far in this war to find numerous examples. Note that these Marines did not, in fact, actually violate any provision of the UCMJ.  Just saying.

Our military is rife with drugs and hate. It's like these men and women go to prison in these foreign countries. When they return there is no assimilation back to civvys. we need some sort of process to keep them in touch with reality. The hate does not have a switch, it's taught. What is learned can be unlearned...[sic]

I’m not really sure what “reality” the commenter is in touch with, but somebody has some serious unlearning to do.

The public school system is responsible for dumbing down our present generation. Symbolism and its importance is lost to kids flashing fake ghetto signs, their pants hanging below their buttocks, and tattoos that need to be financed like a house mortgage. How can we expect them to know the wickedness of SS lightning bolts styled flags from an upside-down five pointed star to a circled inverted cross with the arms broken. [sic]

Maybe we should make them join the military, that ought to straighten them out.  Ur, no, wait...

Well, they're not making any bones about it. I guess this is an official police state. Welcome to the homeland.

And welcome to you. Now, take off your shoes and put them on the belt.  Say, you’re not a Muslim or an illegal alien are you?

And if Rabbi Hier wants something to be truly concerned about, he should be concerned about the kind of mind that could pen this:

The rape of the republic: The Zionist Fascist Ameikan Empire and the Goyin wars. International Banksters with their puppets Mayor Schwartza Pinocchio Hussein (D SMack Daddy Super Fly), (immaculated to clean the white mess created by the white puppet Mayor War Criminal G. Bush), Lucifer Clinton (High Priestess of the Illuminati and sexual deviant) and the Swindlers list of Timothy Geithner (money changer and knee capper), Ben Shalom Bernake (money counterfeiter and ponzi schemer, head of the Federal Reserve, a private banking cartel that has been designed to systematically destroy the value of our currency, drain the wealth of the American public and enslave the federal government to perpetually expanding debt, bailing out whoever it wants to with no accountability like Citigroup $2.513 trillion, Morgan Stanley $2.041 t, Merrill Lynch $1.949 t, Bank of America $1.344 t, Barclays PLC $868 billion, Bear Sterns $853 b, Goldman Sachs $814 b, Royal Bank of Scotland $541 b, JP Morgan Chase $391 b, Deutsche Bank $354 b, UBS $287 b, Credit Suisse $262 b, Lehman Brothers $183 b, Bank of Scotland $181 b, BNP Paribas $175 b, Wells Fargo $159 b, Dexia $159 b, Wachovia $142 b, Dresdner Bank $135 b, Societe Generale $124 b, All Other Borrowers $2.639 trillion), Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Deli Land mouth piece) and a extreme surplus of terrorist Freemasons and self hating leftist jews douche bags replacing head of states, heads of Central Banks and its entire DEBT-based CRIMINAL SYSTEM enslaving present and future generations making the world safe for the international banking cabal and multinational corporations. Why another war? To cover-up evidence of economic crimes: A war would go many miles toward preventing thorough investigation of in-your-face-theft of money invested by Americans in such outfits as MF Global. To solve unemployment: Sending young people into battle means they must be supported by the folks back home who, because of kin in the trenches, will gladly pay higher tribute (taxes) and that, in turn, will fatten the purse of those who profit from the killing of humans with the War Industries. War causes the destruction of people and things.  This leads to massive opportunity at all levels for reconstruction to occur benefiting those companies that are part of the cabal. The love of money, the root of all evil. [sic]

I’m not saying that these Marines didn’t do something dumb.

But I think we can safely assume that they are not, in fact, Nazis, neo or otherwise.  And the last time I checked, dumb isn’t a hanging offense.

I think we can also safely assume that the chain of command has dealt with the situation as appropriate. 

Rabbi Hier seems to forget that engaging in witch hunts and self-righteous accusation is something the people he reviles (with good reason, certainly) indulged themselves in.

Should we be ever vigilant? Certainly.

But there is a fine line between vigilance and becoming the evil we guard against.

And Rabbi Hier would do well to remember that.

As would we all.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Stonekettle Station’s Guide to Election 2012 Terminology

It’s my honor and privilege to endorse Mitt Romney

It’s my honor and privilege.

It’s my honor.

It’s my privilege.

It looks like English.

It sounds like English.

It’s my honor and my privilege. It’s my political party and I can endorse Mitt Romney if I want to.

And if you read that sentence without attribution or context you might think that it actually was English and accidentally take it at face value, as such:

It is indeed my honor and privilege to endorse this fine fellow, Mitt Romney, whom I admire most highly and who I think will make a most excellent Grand Panjandrum of our humble democracy. He is a right dandy gentleman and I heartily enjoy his dashing good looks and the robust earthy aroma of his manly flatulence.  I would most happily award him my daughter’s trust fund and virginity and raise the resulting progeny as my own flesh and heir. He is a good egg. I love him the way a 13 year old girl loves Justin Beiber and unicorns, but in a totally non-gay manly sports analogy fashion.

And if you thought that, Gentle Reader, well, you’d be oh so very wrong.

See, that phrase, it is my honor and privilege, was uttered by none other than the insatiable attention-absorbing ShamWow! of American politics, former faux presidential candidate, Donald Trump (seriously, Colbert’s campaign for president is more legit).

Context, my pixilated electronic friends, is everything.

See, The Donald was speaking not English, rather he was speaking in the Orwellian forked-tongue patois of election year politics.  The fact he’s sporting Phyllis Diller’s haircut and channeling infomercial creeper, Vince Offer, should have been your first clue.

What the wispy Cowlick King actually said was:

I cannot believe that I’m doing this. I can’t even look at you, Romney, you with your Donny Osmond hair and your smug grin. God how I hate you, you filthy cult-loving bastard, I’m way richer than you and I’ve slathered on so much illegal Mexican Rogaine that I’m growing tits, but I still can’t get hair like that. You come anywhere near my daughter, you flatulent prick, and I’ll have you buried in the foundation of Trump Tower and covered in fifteen feet of concrete. Mitt, what the hell kind of name is that? Fuck you, Mitt. Well, anyway, here’s a check for your SuperPAC and I’ll drop you a list of legislation that I’ll be expecting your administration to approve.

See?

It’s important to understand that politicians use words that sound like English (or ‘Merican! if you’re reading this in Texas) but really mean something entirely different from the standard Webster’s definition.

Confused? Of course you are.  Here, let me give you an example: the phrase “man of the People” is often assumed to mean “somebody like us” or perhaps “just an average Joe.” This is incorrect. In fact this phrase actually means “his net worth is not less than $200 Million, most of which is parked in off-shore tax-sheltered accounts.”

I know, I know, it’s difficult to understand. Don’t despair. 

Using the previous example, the trick is to examine the second syllable of the first word, stressors on the vowel indicate… What? It’s politics, of course there are two syllables.  The second syllable is unspoken. It’s invisible. See, you have to read between the ... oh, now, stop that.  Here, breath into this paper bag.  No, no, that’s ok, the barf bags are complimentary.  In fact, take two, it’s going to be a long road to November.

Tell you what, never mind the technical gibberish.  I’ll make it simple for you, Gentle Reader.  As a public service, Stonekettle Station’s crack cadre of highly trained political analysts are here to get you through election season – and by “crack cadre” I mean me and Mr. George Killian, with occasional assistance from our panel of studio experts, Mr. Bushmills on the Evangelical Protestant candidates and by Mr. Jameson when it comes to the Catholics – and Ms Bubbly Pink Champagne, should we find it necessary to discuss Rick Santorum.  Since Rick Perry dropped out suspended his campaign (see what I did there? You’re learning) we can dispense with Senor Tequila.

Now, forget about vowels and invisible syllables and help yourself to a cold one and the appropriate Irish – depending on your denomination, Catholics help the Protestants with the booze – and before you know it you’ll be speaking fluent politician.  Stick with me and you’ll be all over this election year stuff like a Japanese businessman on a teenage girl in a sailor suit  – though you may have a headache and hate yourself in the morning, nothing a handful of Vitamin B and a Bloody Mary won’t fix (speaking of which, be careful with those, you don’t want to end up babbling incoherent Bachmann and burping up celery scented vodka).

Remember, folks, the words only look like English:

Let’s start with an easy one: We The People:  You’ve been hearing this a lot lately.  Weedapeeble this, weedapeeble that, usually followed by some unintelligible gibberish, spitting, cuss words, and punctuated with “Constitution! Constitution!” and some waving of loaded firearms.  “We the People” almost sounds like it means, well, us. All of us. Together. Black and white, liberal and conservative, gay and straight. Us. We. People.  It means nothing of the sort, especially when voiced by a true American patriot in a pointy Ben Franklin hat waving a little Chinese made American flag.   What “We The People” actually means is: Get out, get the hell out, just get right the hell out of America! Which is, of course, what the Founding Fathers really meant when they wrote the US Constitution. It’s totally true, it’s called the Allen West clause.

Which, of course, takes us to our next phrase, namely Get The Hell Out:  Think it means get the hell out? Wrong. It only sounds that way.  I know, I know, but it’s ok if you’re confused. Hell, even politicians sometimes get confused when they use this phrase. And they’re professionals.

Congressman Allen West (R-Fl): “We need to let President Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and my dear friend chairman of the Democratic National Committee, we need to let them know that Florida ain’t on the table. Take your message of equality of achievement, take your message of economic dependency, take your message of enslaving the entrepreneurial will and spirit of the American people somewhere else and get the hell out of the United States of America!”

CNN’s Soledad O’Brien: “I don’t get it. I mean, I don’t understand what you’re saying, you’re telling Obama and Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi to get out of the United States?”

Congressman Allen West: “No, Soledad. Soledad, absolutely not. And you know that. No, I truly, no joke, I’m not being facetious. I don’t get what you’re saying.”

(The word you’re looking for here is Faceplam, which means exactly what you think it means, i.e. Lt Colonel douchebag. Bonus points if you know what West meant when he said “my good friend.”)

Speaking of getting the hell out, next up is Self Deportation, which sounds a lot like what Rick Perry did when he self-deported himself back to Texas once it became clear that Jesus was just fucking with him, but in reality means an act of chronic self-gratification that will eventually cause Mitt Romney to go blind. 

Misspoke:  You hear politicians use this word typically a day or so after they made a comment regarding either tacos or poor people.  Misspoke sounds like a politician is admitting that he was wrong and he’s sorry.  Sort of.  What it actually means is: I’m sorry you heard me wrong. 

None of this would be a problem if it wasn’t for the Liberal Media, which, of course, is code for “Damnit! I didn’t know that bitch was going to ask me what I read!” Also, “What the hell do you mean somebody recorded it and put it on YouTube? They can do that? Dear God! Tell them I misspoke!”

Family Values:  I value my family, all three of them. Plus the maid. And my rentboy. And, uh, damn that liberal media! Damn them.

Obama: See Hitler.

Hitler: See Obama.

Entrepreneurial: Jesus.

Flip Flop: What the other guy does. Me? My position on the issues “matured” (I was going to say “evolved” but I didn’t want to have to come back here tomorrow and admit that I misspoke).

Establish A Moon Colony:  Think “Jumped the shark” or “Nuked the Fridge.” Use this in place of either phrase in casual conversation and dazzle your friends with your political hipness. 

Then casually mention how you changed your Facebook Philosophy to “Stonekettle Station.” 

You’ll be so politically savvy that Donald Trump will be endorsing you next.

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I ate a big dinner and I have to go send another politician to Washington, if you know what I mean.