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Saturday, September 15, 2012

Also, Nazis!

Thank you, Rick.

Just … thank you.

You magnificent bastard, you’ve made my day.

I got up on a grayly cold and rainy Saturday morning with a shitty migraine (wait, that’s redundant, isn’t it?) complete with nausea.  Then I had to take my cat to the vet for shots.  

Oh yes, that’s just about as good as it gets right there.

Headache.

Sick.

Dizzy.

Angry cat in a box.

The only thing that could have made my morning better would have been Wookie Jesus in the passenger seat playing a Nickelback cover on the bagpipes.

Frankly, I didn’t really expect today to improve in any marked fashion.

I thought about coming home, putting Betadine on the scratches, downing a handful of black-market Excedrin, and crawling back into bed.

Then you, Mr. Santorum, you spoke.

Rick Santorum spoke and the sky did open wide to the sound of a heavenly trumpet, the ugly bleak battleship colored clouds parted and a host of winged angels swirled down through the blazing firmament and began to sing.

And it sounded just like mocking laughter.

And I couldn’t help but join in.

The laughter makes my poor bruised brain bounce around inside my battered skull and Goddamn if that doesn’t hurt. But you, Sir, you make it all worthwhile.

“We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country. We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”

Smart people will never be on our side.

 

I’ll pause for a moment so you can savor the delicious irony that is Rick Santorum.

 

Smart people will never be on our side.

Smart people.

They will never be on our side.

Please, stop, Rick, you’re killing me.

Santorum was speaking this morning before the Value Voters Summit. 

And seriously here, “Value Voters?” 

It’s just me, right?

Come on Down to Election Bob’s Crazy Bargain Barn! Low Low Low Prices and Discount Votes! Bring your checkbooks, Folks, go home with a candidate today! Crazy Bob can’t keep prices this low forever! He’s Craaaaaaaaaazy! 

But I digress.

We will never have the elite smart people on our side.

Jeez, you think, Rick? er, sorry, I guess by definition, actually no, you and  the people you’re talking to don’t, in point of fact, think.

You’ve really got to admire a guy who can call his supporters stupid right to their pinched little faces, and they cheer him. But then, well, they’re none too bright, are they? I guess that’s sort of the point Rick was making in the first place. 

You’re morons, Value Voters, morons. Thanks for coming and remember, first pants, then shoes. OK?

 

image

 

Indeed, it’s been quite the week for Not Too Bright On The Right, hasn’t it?

Instead of Value Voters at Crazy Bob’s Discount GOP, Santorum could have been addressing Ohio.

Because apparently there’s no excess of smart folks in Ohio either. 

Turns out fifteen percent of Republicans in the Buckeye State think Mitt Romney is “more responsible” for the raid that killed Osama bin Laden than President Barack Obama. Forty seven percent are “not sure” if Romney deserves more credit than Obama.  Six percent of Republicans gave Romney sole credit for taking down bin Laden. 

There’s a two percent margin of error because a number of Republicans refused to answer the phone just in case The NSA attempted to beam sparkly Negro Rays through the wires in a secret attempt to turn conservatives all gay (Or more gay, as the case may be). 

We will never have the elite smart people on our side.

Not in Ohio you won’t, Rick, that’s for Goddamned sure.

But, would you really want them anyway?

Smart people are a whole lot more work, I’m just saying.

Speaking of Osama bin Laden, after much contemplation, and apparently some recreation chemicals mixed with homemade liquor, Rush Limbaugh has put forward a new theory that Al Qaeda “gave Osama up” to the US Navy SEALs in an effort to give the guy who’s been bombing them from the sky another four years in the White House. 

Limbaugh admits that he’s “just thinking off the top of my head” (frankly, I would have guessed that he pulled that opinion out of somewhere a bit lower on his anatomy – but upon reflection I realized, given the location of Rush’s head, that it’s basically the same thing).

Why would the world’s biggest America hating terrorist organization betray their founder and chief financier to the US?

Let me put it to you this way.  Do you think that militant Islamists will be as hopeful of getting rid of Israel with a Republican president or with a Democrat president?”

I guess that would depend on whether or not Republicans could turn a profit on it.  Sorry, Jesus, it’s just business, you’re a Jew, you understand, right? (What? It’s been two thousand years, still too soon? Sheesh, sorry).

In recent weeks Rush has also suggested that Chicago teachers walked out on strike in some kind of subversive socialist scheme to help the President.

I know what you’re thinking, WTF, Jim? How does the Chicago teacher’s strike help Obama?

OK, first you’re overthinking it.

Try to approach this like you just sat through a Glenn Beck all day marathon:

See, on one side you’ve got the filthy liberal Communist America-hating Homo-loving Teachers’ Union. If there’s anything conservatives hate more than unions, it’s teachers. Teacher are smart. Unions are Commies or Nazis or unAmerican or gay or something. Teachers + Unions = Satan.  And on the other side, well, it’s, Dear God! Rahm Emanuel.  Run for your lives, Everybody!

No matter which sides wins, Obama wins.

And when Obama wins, Satan wins.

Goddamnit!  See? Only smart people like teachers could have come up with such a nefarious plan!

Just last week Rush told his listeners that Barack Obama isn’t “authentically” black, because “he doesn’t have slave blood.” 

Rush was upset that Michelle Obama gave such a stirring and inspired speech at the Democratic National Convention. You can see where he was coming from, really, the nerve of that uppity Negro.

“Obama did not grow up in poverty. His grandmother, the typical white woman, worked in a bank. Don’t give me this ‘down with the struggle’ business. He wasn’t down. In 2008, the Democrats were wringing their hands because he wasn’t authentically black… He wasn’t down with the struggle. He doesn’t have slave blood.”

Too bad the first lady couldn’t come up with a heartwarming story about how she and Barack had to cash in their investments just to afford Filet Mignon for their dog.

Limbaugh likes to call Obama a “Halfrican.” Isn’t that clever? 

I guess that if Obama isn’t “authentically” black, Rush isn’t “authentically” a big fat racist douche. 

Turns out that Obama actually is descended from American slaves, the very first African recorded as enslaved in America as a matter of fact, and even the Neo-Conservative Weekly Standard admits that the Obamas were pretty damned poor starting out.  But hey, why confuse dimwits with facts, right?

Rush is also the guy who recently said that Batman: The Dark Knight Rises was an attack on Mitt Romney. 

 

I’ll pause for a minute so you can take that in.

 

Batman was an attack on Mitt Romney.

See in the movie, the bad guy is named Bane.

Get it?

No?

What, are you people idiots?

Look, it’s simple: Bane = bad guy. And Bane sounds like Bain. Bain. See? Bain Capital, Mitt Romney’s company. Ah HA! So therefore obviously Obama is a communist Kenyan who eats little aborted white babies while scheming to turn America into a Liberal socialist vegetarian gay bath-house under Sharia Law.

Also, there might be Nazis.

I’m a little hazy on the part where billionaire industrialist Bruce Wayne, head of Wayne Enterprises, is a filthy liberal socialist.  It’s probably because Batman likes cats (and women) and doesn’t pack a gun. But I digress.

Meanwhile, just two days after appearing on stage with Mitt Romney, God’s favorite Christian, Pat Robertson, told a man to move to Saudi Arabia so he could beat his wife legally.

 

I’ll pause, while you take that in.

 

Responding to a letter from a man who claimed he’d lost confidence (I think we all know what that means), because his wife insulted him, Robertson suggested that the man become a Muslim so he could beat his wife.

No, I am not, in point of fact, actually shitting you.

Anybody else would have advised the guy to pick up some discount Viagra off Amazon. Seriously Pat probably gets it in by the truckload direct from Mexico.  Instead, Robertson advised the guy to become a Muslim and move to the Middle East so he can legally beat his wife. Man, I missed that part of the bible – oh wait, no…

Robertson’s startled female co-host looked somewhat nonplused at this, so Pat helpfully elaborated:

“I think this man’s got to stand up to her. He can’t let her get away with this stuff. And, uh, you know, I don’t know… I don’t think we condone wife beating these days, but something’s got to be done to make her… She is just totally, well, she’s rebellious, chances are she was rebellious with her father and mother, she’s a rebellious child and she doesn’t want to submit to any authority. And she probably had temper tantrums when she was a kid, you know, the little girl, ‘I hate you, I hate you,’ and she wants to slap her father. Well, that’s the same kinda thing. She’s transferred the father now. I hate to say everything’s gotta be some kind of psychological counseling, but that’s the problem. She does not understand authority. When she was growing up, nobody made her behave, and now you’ve got a 13-year-old in a 30-year-old woman’s body. Now, what do you do with that? Well, you can’t divorce her according to scripture. So I say, move to Saudi Arabia.”

Really, who better to seek marital advice from, than a guy who’s “not entirely sure” if we still allow wife beating in America.

And really, who better to speak for the party of Jesus and family values than a guy who advises men to move to Saudi Arabia so’s they can beat rebellious women.

Wonder how he feels about stoning?

And then there was an editorial on Investors.com posted last week that was utterly terrified by President Obama’s speech at the Democratic National Convention – in fact the article was entitled “The Terrifying Line in Obama’s Speech That Everybody Missed.”  Now, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that the mentally ill are able to find work in media, but frankly it seems to me that a clinical paranoid should maybe have a keeper.  Conservatives are still firmly convinced that word “Hope” means “Socialism” and “Change” means “Giant Negros are coming to eat our white babies!”  Also, well, you know.

Anyway, moving on…

What?

Oh. What was the terrifying line in Obama’s speech that everybody missed?

Apparently Obama promised to pursue the kind of “bold, persistent experimentation that Franklin Roosevelt pursued during the only crisis worse that this one.”

Oh no, anything but that. Wouldn’t want that!

But wait a minute, conservatives also don’t want Obama to keep doing what he’s been doing.

Don’t do what you’re doing, but don’t do anything different.

 

Sure, I’ll pause for a moment.  You maybe want some black market Excedrin?

 

Ready to go on?

Michael Goodman over on Fox News is convinced that Obama and the Democrats “want to conquer America, not unite it.”

Um, excuse me, but isn’t conquest what Republicans do? Hello, is this thing on?

More than anything, Mike is upset that Obama is just so charismatic and charming, such a good speaker, just so darn likable. It’s just not fair, man! 

You should bookmark the Goodman article, because if you ever need an excellent example of the Strawman Fallacy, that’s a really nice one.

In the last month we’ve seen a US Congressman who thinks women can prevent pregnancy resulting from rape by using some kind of secret feminine mojo. These are the same folks who believe that abortion causes breast cancer.  Apparently Female Sex Magic can only kill rape sperm cells not your actual cancer cells.  That seems to be a major design flaw, has anybody spoken to God about this?

Do I need to pause again, or … no? OK.  Just raise your hand if you need a break.

Christian students down in Louisiana are being taught that the Loch Ness Monster is not only real but disproves pretty much all of science.

In Kentucky, Ken Ham and his Creation Museum have fleeced enough loot from the drooling idiots to build themselves an Ark.  Does it make me a bad person because I hope for a really, really big flood on opening day?

Meanwhile, conservative creationist writer Russ Gigg recently advised Stephen Hawking, Stephen Fucking Hawking, to find “real” answers in the Epistles of John – because apparently a guy that is only one of seventeen people to ever hold the Cambridge University Lucasian Professorship of Mathematics doesn’t understand science.  Stephen Fucking Hawking doesn’t understand science.

Yes, I see you waving your hand.  Here, breathe into this paper bag.  You’ll be OK.

Tennessee State Republican Senator Stacy Campfield announced last week that it was “virtually impossible” for heterosexuals to get AIDS. Virtually impossible. Not entirely impossible, but virtually impossible.  Campfield, if you recall, is the same guy who came up with the “Don’t Say Gay!” bill last year. 

Is it just me? Or does Campfield spend a lot of time thinking about gay stuff?

What? I’m just saying is all.

A lot of time.

A lot.

Of course, you can hardly blame the poor guy for his goofy views. Campfield belongs to a political party who, according to Rick Santorum, isn’t all that bright.

Campfield also believes that being gay is a lifestyle choice.

Funny isn’t it?

Gay is a choice.

But people like Stacy Campfield are apparently just born stupid.

 

Smart people will never be on our side.

I didn’t expect to get up today and find myself agreeing with Rick Santorum of all damned people, but there you have it.

You’d have to be an idiot to belong to the same outfit as these people.

An idiot.

Literally.

Even they think so.

162 comments:

  1. Oh, WHERE to start?? No wonder you have a migraine...

    Great post.
    Lorraine

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    Replies
    1. Yeppers, they are "Born That Way" and I really know this is a FACT because I actually live in Tennessee and email the morons regularly. They are so bright here they elect Marsha the Lightbulb Moron Blackburn to the USHouse after she utter screwed up her district (7th) in TN so badly that she nor any of her RePig minions can go to Clarksville, TN which is the EXACT SAME TOWN as Ft. Campbell, KY, home of the 101st Airborne, Air Assault, USArmy, because the "Troops" are disgusted with them and their WARS. I live 17 miles from Gate 4, in a military family, I have actual knowledge and see actual SOLDIERS, you know, THE TROOPS.

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    2. Sorry, I left out - Gerrymandered from the wealthiest county in TN to the poorest of the rual poor in TN, and yeah, Nazis.

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    3. Of course they're born that way, it's God's plan. If he'd wanted his chosen, evangelical, snake-handling, faith-healing, tax-cuts-increase-tax-revenues-somehow people to think, he wouldn't have blessed them with teh blissful stoopid in the first place

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  2. Teh stupid...it burns!!! Please pass the Excedrin.

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  3. Mr. Wright, you are certainly on a roll this week - another laugh-out-loud, coffee-through-the-nose post. Really, I don't know how I got through the Bush years without you.

    Sorry about the migraine, thanks for powering through it to make this happen.

    Also, Nazis.

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  4. Oh Jim, you light up my life! I am the Repub who is voting for Obama this year, and sent my sister the Dem a link to your blog. She sent me a message saying she loved the blog, and was so happy I had returned from "the Dark Side". Haha, actually I just prefer to think I have a brain, that actually considers what is being fed to me. And yes, I love your way of thinking.

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  5. Wonderful post, now if only the people who need to hear this would listen, and were smart enough to comprehend it.

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  6. That whole magic vagina thing still has me pissed off. I had a friend point out that *if* we could selectively not get pregnant, we would not need birth control at all. So I wanna know why they didn't use that argument during the whole anti-Obamacare thing if they believe in the mystical powers of the woman's vagina. Maybe that's why you can't say the word on the floor in Michigan: Democratic women invoking the power of the vag might do something scary to the Y chromosome-types in the room... Maybe that's a clue. Do only republican women get magic vaginas?
    @fdhbstephanie

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    1. Republican women don't have vaginas.

      At least not to hear them tell it.

      Which might go a long way towards explaining why the Right is so fucked up.

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    2. But only deepens the enduring mystery: How do they reproduce? I mean really. How? Does it involve a trip to Saudi Arabia?

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    3. "By fission, like all bacteria" Cpl Bronsky (I think).

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    4. Republican women have some serious self hate to sort out - but only the smart ones would understand that

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    5. Warner, not sure whether it was CPL Bronski as the speaker was only identified as one of the instructor corporals (Bronski was one of several). Also not so sure the Right should be reproducing like sergeants...seems an insult somehow to sergeants.

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    6. Turns out I don't have a copy of the book in question and I'm not about to ... Just checked my Nook and guess what, it is there.

      You are correct, it was a corporal-instructor and certainly not Bronsky as he had left a few sentences prior.

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  7. Since I live within 20 miles of that thing, please, no major floods of the creation museum on ark day. Thanks.

    Otherwise WOW!!! Three great posts in just a few days!

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    1. Add me to that also, I'm slightly closer. If you can, figure out a way to flood the Ark Encounter and the Creation Museum and the new Scientology church.

      Hippie in the hollar

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    2. Maasive lightning strike, please. I'm even closer. Also, the Reds don't need any help blowing the season.

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  8. Jim, this is yet another absolutely brilliant piece of writing. It will be immediately shared on Facecrack.

    And, Melissa, how right you are!

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  9. I prescribe a 7-day hiatus from radio, tv and print media. I also suggest you stay off facebook as that could be the source of a hefty influx of stupidity-data. Nap often, take walks, be kind to animals and we'll see you soon. If you do take this sort of advice, please feel comfortable that Rafalca Romney, Tom Joad, Queen Bee and others will be busy taking stupid to task.

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    Replies
    1. This is seriously good advice for all of us. Nicely done, Alycia Keating!

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    2. We treid that at the height of Palinmania: 30 days with no mention or thinking about or reading about screwy Sarah. Just made her more obnoxious. And these people will not go away. Steve King says a bote against Obama is a vote FOR God. Yes, God supports these people who despise half of His creation, and ahve no problems kiling them off through war, lack of health care, lack of support for poor kids, seniors and the working poor, or anyone who does not believe in THEIR God enough to want the GOP running everything. They are not like Nazis: they ARE Nazis, and we must vote every one of their stupid selves out of office this fall. Give them 30 days, and they could brainwash another million stupids to hate America enough to vote for them.

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    3. Danger isn't that they find another million zombies under the carpet somewhere. Danger is that they manage to disenfranchise two million voters who have every intention, and right, to vote for their opponents. This is a very real possibility. They are counting on it succeeding, too, as they double down on the hate and lies. So lets nobody get complacent, and let's everybody get out the vote.

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  10. Will someone just kick Pat Robertson square in the balls? Now.

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    1. Do we condone ball-kicking in the US?

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    2. This would be easier if he had them. Better, let's just slip some well-considered drugs into his daily libation. He's overdue for a little chemical induced sanity.

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    3. Robertson? The same guy who publicly *condoned* the People's Republic of China's compulsory abortion policy on both racial grounds (maintaining the purity of the Han Chinese race) and it being necessary to maintain the political stability of the Chinese Communist Party. He did this on national television in the Spring of 2001 (on Wolf Blitzer's show), going against two of modern conservatism's most sacred principles, and his supporters STILL loved him.

      Robertson has seriously been off the chain for well over a decade now and the nuttier and more totalitarian and pro-communist he gets, the more the modern social "conservatives" love him.

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  11. You give me whatever is the opposite of a miserable monster migraine. Thank you!

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  12. The first group that the Nazis, Maoists, Pol Pot and other Authoritarians picked out to kill were the intellectuals.
    You aren't paranoid if they're really out to get you.

    Thanks for a great post,
    Sondra

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  13. Yayus!

    Can I get an "Also, Nazis!" from the congregation?

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  14. You know, I was starting to feel sorry for the poor bastards.

    Then I remembered that being stoopid is a choice.

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    Replies
    1. Not quite, I think being ignorant is a choice, stupid goes clear thru to the bone. These people are for the most part ignorant because they are willfully intellectually lazy.

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    2. Ron White put it the absolute best.

      You can't fix stupid.

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  15. So. Jim. Are you going to file for un employment or anything? Another week like that could leave us just reading the headlines...

    It IS hard to believe that sort of ignorance can get in front of a microphone and be heard, let alone believed. Jeeze.

    I did have a little problem with the weather reference. I get the cat, I get the migrane, but...I guess it's like I have a migrane, have to haul the stinking cat to the vet again, and she has to go in the middle of the afternoon. When it's 117º. Did you know that cat scratches infect faster in warm climates??? I'm just askin.

    Another good one, Thanks!

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  17. I'd still be giggling if I weren't so damned terrified. Another great post - thank you!

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  18. English teacher comments:

    Content: wonderfully flowing and effective return to thesis statement at the end.

    Needs fixing: Just after the Stephen Hawking paragraph, "breath" needs another E on the end to make it "breathe" which is a verb rather than the noun used.

    Earlier (excuse me while I locate it) you wrote: "But, would you really them anyway?" There is a word missing there. It's just a few lines below the Rick picture.

    Otherwise, another lovely post in an eventful week. Thanks!

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    1. Wow. That's harsh. I was, out of all his articles, gonna cut Jim some slack. He has, after all, been dealing with migraine, and weather and...you know...cats.

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    2. Also, Nazis.

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    3. Migraines were invented by the Nazis. That's a fact, you can look it up on the Internet.

      Thanks, Teacher, it's fixed.

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    4. Would you consider a special mailbox for corrections? I hate cluttering up your comments with nitpicking.

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    5. Yeah. Invented by the Nazis. Also, watch your precious bodily fluids.

      Delete
  19. Good stuff, fellow migraine sufferer/cat lover. Witty. Seriously though, just as a tip, I dumped gluten and never had another migraine. Maybe you've heard, but I wish someone had told me sooner. Best of luck!

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    1. I didn't dump gluten, but went through menopause, and haven 't had another migraine. It's my magic ovaries, I think.

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    2. Wait...if you went through menopause (and I just realized the main part of that word is pause, which for some reason just really cracks me up), wouldn't it be the lack of magic ovaries?

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    3. I quit carbonated beverages, and my migraines, which had occurred at least twice weekly, now hit me no more than a few times a year.

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    4. I don't think Jim is going to go through menopause. Just saying.... but gluten and carbonated beverages (other than beer of course) may make a difference.

      Great blog!

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  20. As a fellow migraine sufferer, those black market pills appear to work very well. Not only would I have not had the clarity of thought to string the muse together in any type of coherent fashion, the 'weaklong' assault from the Not Too Bright On The Right took me beyond the nausea to that fun ride on the porcelain bus. So yeah, I'll take a couple hundred.

    Still my god, Jim.
    Also, Nazis.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. They stopped making Excedrin.

      Excedrin was the only thing that actually worked for me. So now I just grit my goddamned teeth and curse the drug makers. Also, Nazis.

      Delete
    2. Remember APC tablets? Worked well for a lot of things. Then they were taken off the market because of a silly thing like the linkage between phenacetin and kidney disease. Phah!

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    3. Excedrin was just aspirin, Tylenol and caffeine. Caffeine was the secret ingredient. Add it to the pain reliever of your choice and it will make it better.

      You could set up a rudimentary lab in the back of your truck - much less effort than a meth lab and no nasty odors or explosive vapors.

      Or take 1 extra-strength Tylenol, one aspirin, and wash it down with one of those espressos of yours.

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    4. I agree, Hazy Davy, I had a combo pill that they make (still)in Canada, and it had caffeine and worked. Once they gave me the type without caffeine and I didn't notice the ingredients, but they did NOT eliminate my migraines, so the third time they 'failed', I went back to the pharmacy, and told the pharmacist what I used to get, and he said 'This is not the same, there's no caffeine'. Got the right stuff, always worked for years and years.

      And - fabulous article yet again!! Posting to FB and see how many people unfriend me, lol.


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  21. Well, this was my first read of your excellent writing. I'll definitely be back! For the first time in weeks, I found myself laughing instead of just reeling in disbelief at the incredible turn to stoopid that has been enthusiastically taken by much of our society. Unfortunately, that includes many of my friends and relatives, as I live in a very RED state! Thank you for helping us by providing the spoonful of sugar ... Oh, wait, do you only write this great stuff after a migraine? I'd better go read your other posts...

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    1. No, he's this incredibly good all the time! I particularly like his "The Unsinkable Mitt Romney": http://www.stonekettle.com/2012/08/the-unsinkable-mitt-romney.html

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  22. The Santorum quote reminds me of Roger Ailes' recent declaration, "...in 15 years, we have never taken a story down because it was wrong. You can't say that about CNN, CBS, or the New York Times."

    When I hear that, I hear, "We refused to be constrained by facts or truthfulness. Just because we publish a bunch of stuff that's demonstrably wrong is no reason to take it down!"

    I have no Earthly idea what Ailes' or Santorum's "Amen Corner" are hearing when they listen to this same stuff.

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    1. I saw that too. It's just, well, you know. Nazis.

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    2. Pretty much. Between Romney and his surrogates, in the last 3 weeks they've effectively said, if you piece it all together, "We know we're lying, we're going to keep lying, we won't let you stop us from lying, and our supporters are too dumb to understand we're lying."
      As President Clinton put it, I can finally say they're now telling the truth.

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  23. Great. Love the blog. Can they do anymore to ruin their chances of being elected ever. The Conservatives got to this point in the 90s with the greed is good shtick that they got well an truly unelectable for 12 years. However wormed their way back in and are doing everything Maggie Thatcher did and more to fuck our country over again for the good of the rich. Hopefully our electorate will realise this and vote them out next couple of years. Let's hope republicans are kept out for another four years and Obama gets to make a difference!!

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  24. I'm from Ohio and it's horrifying that those people who think Romney is responsible for killing bin Laden can vote!

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  25. What a pity that you have such a strict anti-trolling policy. This post would elicit such powerful confirmation for itself.

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    1. Yes, well sorry about that. But as amusing as the trolls are upon occasion, I've got to draw the line somewhere.

      Delete
  26. I thought it was novel when Professor Cornel West called Obama an oreo a year ago. A Republican IM friend agreed!

    It's the Bill Cosby effect; Cosby does this "get off my lawn" routine in an interview and all of a sudden, he's conservatives' favorite black person.

    Now Rush says it.

    At least Professor West has shut his yap.

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  27. I just have one question. Has stupidity become contagious? Because it seems to me that we have a pandemic of it going around in this country. Unfortunately it is not easily cured. I was utterly surprised when I heard Santorums comment. My only comment to that is that the people with intelligence won't buy into the rights rhetoric, the only smart people in the GOP are the ones who are trying to sell the not so smart people there empty promises and false hope so they can make the rich richer at the expense everyone else, here are some questions
    1. Trickle down economy never benefited anyone but the rich in our society, but the GOP is still trying to sell it to the American people as a solution to our economic problems, give the rich tax breaks and they will creat jobs. They have more tax breaks now than under Clinton and where are the jobs?
    2. If the GOP is so concerned about preserving life why are they so opposed to allowing people access to healthcare? Isn't it a bit hypocritical to tell a woman you are killing a unborn baby when she has an abortion but at the same time allow someone to die of a treatable disease beca

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    1. Answer to first question: We are breeding for stupid. Seriously. Smart people are having one kid--because they're concerned about overpopulation and they want to be responsible. Stupid people don't think about overpopulation or much of anything else. In fact, a distressingly large number of them think it's their manifest destiny to produce as many children as possible. Hence...breeding for stupid.

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    2. This is the premise of the movie "Idiocracy", with that other Wilson brother. It would be much funnier if it weren't so damned prescient. Also, Nazis.

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    3. I showed Idiocracy to my son and he really enjoyed it. Except he said he thought it was supposed to be a documentary. I told him to wait 50 years and it will be.

      LJK

      Delete
  28. I don't generally comment on blog posts because, well, Nazis. But I must say that I love your writing style, wit, and attitude. I have many relatives who have swallowed the Republicant Kool-Aid, but maybe I shouldn't be so hard on them. Perhaps they were just born stupid and somehow I managed to draw the lucky genetic straw.

    Anyhoo, it's refreshing to see that there are sane voices out there. Thank you for helping keep my liquor bill at a reasonable level. (I've taken to the drink as I argue with my relatives and friends. They rant that Obama is "giving up all of our rights" to the bogeyman while simultaneously arguing against the rights of women, gays, and non-Christians. The world is spinning and I can't tell if it's my Meniere's or a whirling vortex of hypocrisy and vacuousness.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whirling vortex, definitely.

      Why does Kool-Aid have to taste so good?

      Remember that stupid game where you take the fortune from your fortune cookie and add the phrase, "between the sheets?" Yeah, do that with every asinine statement a friend or family member makes about a political topic. It won't make any more sense, but it'll give you a giggle...and possibly prevent the need for bail.

      Delete
    2. Yes because giving people rights takes it from others. It's like Highlander. "There can be only one!"

      Geeze, now I need an Excedrin.

      Delete
    3. NC, it tastes so good because it's red.

      I'll let that one stew for a moment there... ;)

      Delete
  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  30. "But, would you really them anyway?" (tell them?)

    "It’s probably because Batman like cats (and women) and didn’t pack a gun." (likes?... doesn't?)

    Damn, did they take Excedrin off the market?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fixed. In my defense, I had one hand over my eye when typing.

      And yes, they took Excedrin off the market. Because they are Nazi bastards.

      Delete
    2. Excedrin was recalled, not taken off the market. It is expected to be back on the shelves 4Q, unless those Nazi socialist fascist bastards at the FDA have their way. (Geeze, now you got me saying it!)

      Delete
    3. That was news to me about Excedrin. They used to keep it in the first aid kits at the company I worked for, and it really did knock out a headache, or anything else that was ailing you. Friggin' Nazis!

      Delete
    4. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excedrin#2012_Recall

      Delete
  31. "Wonder how he feels about stoning?" Oh, he probably doesn't think drugs are a good thing. Oh, not what you meant. You meant rock throwing? Probably okay since they did that int Bible.

    Pulling your leg on that to point out that Santorum mya not have used 'smart' in the sense of intelligence. He may have meant it as in "He saluted smartly" or "His uniform looked smart."

    Just sayin' off the top of my head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you really think Santorum is "smart" enough to know that there are two meanings for the word?

      Delete
  32. Thank you so much for this! I so needed it! You've help me to believe that my small group of friends are not the "final frontier" of intelligent life forms in this country. I am a PBS watching, book reading American and darn proud of it! Please keep up the grand work!

    Much Love!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Found myself wondering what the hell has gotten into Jim to spur generating so many high scoring essays in such a short period of time.
    Then I realized: We're in what you military types call a "target rich environment", aren't we?
    Christ, it's like the Zombie Apocalypse of Idiocy out there lately.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ROFL Target rich environment!!

      Walking through Wally World in North Carolina yesterday, I commented to my husband that a zombie incursion down here would be sort of sad. All those zombies starving to death (undeath, re-death?) while shambling about looking for...BRAINS!

      Delete
    2. "Target rich environment" - good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read that!

      Delete
  34. The "Nazi's!" thing just reminded me this morning of a game I used to play with similarly minded, bored people while reading and commenting online on the political articles surrounding the 2008 Presidential Election.

    Every time someone would bring up the Birther issue, one of us would type "Drink!". The comment thread would soon dissolve into drunken laughter and the Birther commenter would be lost and frustrated. Of course, this led to a few mornings waking up feeling much as you describe above, but it was worth it at the time.

    I feel another marathon session of this type of game coming on with the upcoming debates. Instead of birth certificates, let's have the key words be "Israel", "Osama" and "Bain", also "Nazi". Don't think we'll make it through the night.

    Just saying....

    ReplyDelete
  35. Deliciously funny!! Thank you for making my morning. I will be following your blogs.

    ReplyDelete
  36. "Slower minds, keep right --->"

    Not just a bumper sticker, apparently it's their platform.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The problem is that idiots ignore the law and drive 45 in the fast lane anyway. Which is why I routinely have swollen brain blood vessel induced migraines.

      Delete
  37. Billionaire industrialist Bruce Wayne, head of Wayne Enterprises, is a filthy liberal socialist because he was willing to put Wayne Enterprises into a financial tail spin over a trivial thing like the possibility of his green reactor blowing up and destroying all of Gotham. If he were true to his class he would have bought a new villa further out of town and created additional jobs by hiring more lawyers and lobbyists to ensure he wasn't liable in that eventuality.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The above is not meant to imply that I am not also subject to frequent headaches caused by my head hitting the desk every time a prominent republican opens his mouth lately.

      Delete
    2. Once I saw the movie I was thoroughly boggled about th whole 'omg bane villain' thing. 'cause once bane takes over he enacts all the 'this is class warfare!' stuff that has been attempted for shutting down any income disparity discussion - they pretty much do Eat The Rich, in some sort of nightmare zombified OWS thing. I woUkd have thought that thEy who und have LIKED that stuff like that was done by the bad guy and the audience sees it as rightfully horrible.

      Delete
  38. Great post, Chief. Thanks for it.
    Ever tried Goody's powders? Same contents as Excedrin Migraine. My migraine-afflicted wife was quite sad when she found out that her most effective OTC remedy had been taken. She's found Goody's to be an effective substitute. Would prefer the Excedrin, but tolerates the Goody's well enough.
    Thanks for doing what you do.
    Craig in Utah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can second the Goody's. It's such a surprise to me when I find a product that actually works these days. Though, I'm also in Utah - hope you can find it in your area.

      Delete
  39. You live in Alaska....you should know this for future reference:

    If you are the victim of a "legitimate" bear attack, the human body has the ability to stop the blood flow from a severed member while it grows back, AND the ability to generally taste bad to the bear, perhaps thwarting the attack. But failing that, perhaps you should just lay back and enjoy it.
    After all, it's sort of like getting eaten alive out of wedlock.
    However, in 30 states it is legal for the bear to sue for visitation of the severed member.

    Thought you should know.

    ReplyDelete
  40. this is my first time being exposed to you and i must say...thank you! you've summed up the political wtf of the Republicans in an eloquence that Jon Stewart wishes he could get away with. i look forward to more and seriously hope there is a book in the future =)

    ReplyDelete
  41. The idea that "smart" people would ever become a partisan divide is the reason my own father left the Republican party.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Excellent read and great observations of specific examples of "stupid is as stupid does". As one responder put it, this is a pretty target rich environment and I'm sure you had to be selective with those things you actually had time for. ;o)

    I can't help but also get this mental picture anytime I see thrown in, almost as an afterthought, "and Nazis", of Brad Pitt in Inglorius Basterds and the way he spits it out with the short "a" sound. Sort of adds an additional chuckle to that little piece of punctuation.

    Just started following your posts after a referral from a FB friend (the same one who contacted you about accepting FB friend requests, by the way). You're developing quite a following among our group. I suspect you're not doing this for fame/fortune, but you're finding it anyway as folks discover your unique ability to make a point.

    As one retired Navy Chief to another, I salute you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blindingly obliviously forgetting the Warrant, part. My sincere apologies. You were a Chief before Warrant, since that's a pre-requisite (I competed for both LDO and Warrant, so I do know from whence you come).

      Delete
    2. I gave up my Anchors and my right to enter the mess without asking permission when I put on Warrant, Greg. But I'll always be an Initiated Chief, and would never, ever, be insulted by being addressed as such. I consider it a compliment.

      Delete
  43. Amen. All I can say. AMEN! The stupid is so strong it's hard to figure out where to start, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  44. Heavens to Mergatroid, man. This is going down as one of my favorites. With every post from you I become a bigger fangirl.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Wonderful rant. Superb rant. Can you actually believe all of what you wrote was from a major party in the US of A in 2012? And not some extremist 3rd party?

    The other people that didn't want smart people in their party?
    The Nazis.

    ReplyDelete
  46. The stupid on the part of certain Republicans has been going on for decades. You reminded me of the time Spiro Agnew called his detractors an "elite corps of effete intellectual snobs."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Think that came from William Safire, certainly didn't come from Spiro

      Delete
    2. My memory didn't get the quote quite correct. I was only 18 years old at the time.

      From answer.com: In New Orleans on October 19, 1969, he lamented that "a spirit of national masochism prevails, encouraged by an effete corps of impudent snobs who characterize themselves as intellectuals."

      Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/spiro-agnew#ixzz26fAqBQ1h

      Delete
    3. My favorite Agnew bon mot, however, remains "nattering nabobs of negativism."

      Delete
    4. Both were spoke by Agnew, both written by Safire. Safire was particularly fond of the "nattering nabobs" comment, referring to it frequently in his On Language columns.

      Delete
  47. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I laughed till tears ran down my face. Being Canadian, the US election battle has left me feeling like I've been hit in the face with an iron, utterly baffled as how certain people are allowed out without keepers. Please keep writing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Being Canadian, the US election battle has left me feeling like I've been hit in the face with an iron

      I think you meant "...an iron thrown by a flannel clad lumberjack riding a polar bear."

      Delete
    2. "Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm OK.
      I sleep all night, and I work all day ...."

      Delete
  48. How about the Walgreens brand, which has the same mixture of acetaminophen, aspirin, and caffeine?

    Veronica

    ReplyDelete
  49. I'm going to step away from the nazis for a second and recommend that you try a store brand excedrine. They contain the exact same ingredients. Unless of course that's what you mean when you say black market.

    Jim from Michigan.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Jim, excellent post. Just plain beyond wonderful excellent. If I didn't know you were too smart for it I'd suggest you run for political office. Holy Maude we need a huge pile of smart people in office. But anybody who is smart enough to do the job well is too smart to want it. Have a good day. I hope your head feels better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, they'd never get the finances from the corporations to run any kind of campaign. Corporations don't WANT people who can think for themselves making laws that regulate their industries.

      Delete
  51. Good one, Jim!

    "Now, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that the mentally ill are able to find work in media, but frankly it seems to me that a clinical paranoid should maybe have a keeper."

    ReplyDelete
  52. Great post Jim.
    How's the Cat ??????

    ReplyDelete
  53. For Migraines: The store-brand will do. If you can't get to it, try bolting a cup of coffee. It's the caffeine that makes the whole thing work.

    For Republicans: Congress now has a 12% approval rating. I'd say it doesn't get much lower than that, but it could, and probably will.

    For Cats: I actually allow mine to politely chew on me now and then as it relaxes him, so I'm no help at all.

    I will for the rest of today add "Also, Nazis," to anything anyone says. This will be your fault.

    ReplyDelete
  54. My oh my. You've certainly outdone yourself this time! Can't wait to hear what kind of morAnic hate mail you receive today.

    I figured out why the stupid Value Voters (one of their own called 'em stupid so we get to, right?) cheered Rick "Frothy" Santorum. As soon as they heard the word immediately preceding "smart" (that'd be "elite") their hearing aids gave them a "happy jolt" so they'd all start cheering, applauding and messing their Depends. Hence, they never heard the rest.

    Or am I giving them too much credit?

    As for Slow Limpballs, who do you think modeled for the dinosaurs at the creation museum? And further scuttlebutt says Pat Robertson modeled for the cavemen.

    I sure hope them and all the rest of the fundy whackos get Raptored (pun intended) soon so they'll leave us elite, smart folk alone.

    Also, too, Nazis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I too fervently wish for the advent of the glorious rapture. All the rich selfish folk will just leave all those shiny new Lexus's and Acuras lying empty for the rest of us to pick up and drive away like pennies on the sidewalk.

      Delete
  55. Jim, please, I BEG OF YOU: Cease and desist. Stop. Oh God, for the sake of my aching sides and the tears rolling down my cheeks. STOP!

    And Nazis.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Oh No! I clicked on "I hate you so much" just to see what kind of douchebag would say that, and it turned out to be me! So I clicked Woot a bunch of times. Hope that makes up for my transgression. Also, Nazi's (Nazis?)

    ReplyDelete
  57. You are pretty much my favorite person at this moment!

    ReplyDelete
  58. Well, if ignorance is bliss, these folks must be deliriously happy. Or maybe just delerious. Or delusional. Do they spell it "ignerince" to avoid looking too smart?

    My new theory is that the Republicans think they are on the holodeck. So when they screw up and 'misspeak,' they can back out & start over.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I heard that bit about Obama being "not authentically black", and my first thought was, "Okay, so he's saying it's okay for racists to vote for Obama, then?"

    ReplyDelete
  60. I heard that bit about Obama being "not authentically black", and my first thought was, "Okay, so he's saying that racists can safely vote for Obama, then?"

    ReplyDelete
  61. What a fine post I stumbled across this evening. I don't know whether I'll end up as a regular or not, but I do thank you for the entertaining take on Unca Ricky, Buckeyes with strange beliefs about Mitten and getting Bin Laden, and all the rest.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Umm .. sorry about the name .. that name associated with this email account is about 20 or 25 years old. Real name: Rose. I will look into changing the name associated with this email. Now, to my comment:

    I've been saying for weeks that Romney & Ryan and all Republicans (I'm so sorry they are stupid) need to seek help under Obamacare. They really need to be on medication. Since it is so many of them, it would be extremely funny if it weren't so true! Oh, wait! Obamacare is evil and a socialist plot to destroy the country!

    ReplyDelete
  63. You sir, are a genius. This is as good a takedown of Sick Rick, Jabba the Limbaugh, and the rest of the NeoConfederate circus as I've ever seen. Duly noted and linked. Viva Obama!

    Also, Nazis.

    ReplyDelete
  64. I asked if I could share before...I didn't hear backan ok...but you are now my hero and #1 guilty pleasure morning reading...share, I must!
    Please be kind!
    You rock...and hope that migraine is better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Paula, Jim has outlined his 'sharing' rules in a link at the top of his page, and you can post a link wherever. Quotes are done a bit differently.

      Delete
    2. Sorry, missed this.

      You're welcome to share links, Paula. Quoting is OK too, within reason. The rules are posted at the top of this page.

      Delete
  65. I woke this morning not with a migraine but shal we say, hung. I'm trying to nurse my head when you post this. I laughed and cried so hard my head exploded. But it was worth it. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  66. You are brilliant. So sorry. I'll make sure you are forgiven in everlasting eternity for your lifestyle choice of intelligence.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Actual quote-"What luck for rulers that people do not think." Adolph Hitler. Just Saying.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Smart People got
    No Reason
    Smart People got
    No Reason

    Smart People got
    No Reason
    To Voooooote Re-pub-lican

    ReplyDelete
  69. Geeze. Been out of town for a few days and come back to find three messages from Jim. Now it'll be a week before I come back down to earth. But let's face it. without the stupidity of folks like Limbaugh, Robertson and Santorum, Jim, you'd be left with little to carp about except for the weather, migraines and cats.
    But I rest assured that the stupid ones are permanently established and I can always look forward to their increasing ignorance and your well balanced analyses.
    Thanks a ton Jim. You never disappoint.
    John from Rhody

    ReplyDelete
  70. As usual, you drain the pithy right out of me. You covered it all and left me with nothing to add but thank you. Oh wait! Here we go- you are my god. heh heh, bet nobody has said that yet....

    Also, Nazis, bd

    ReplyDelete
  71. Let's be clear, the stupid, redneck, bigoted and repugnican will never see the world through anything but Rush colored glasses until they come to realize one thing. They're n-grs too. I'm a black guy and I'm editing myself, but I observe that the vast majority of Red America actually believes that they are somehow priveledged, somehow immune from the destruction that conservative polices wreak on our society. They're wrong. They've been told for 30+ years that the concerns of rich people and corporations are THEIR problems. That the people who really fucked up their middle class mobility are those black, brown yellow folk. That they are coming for your money and your property and your women (see property) and these wealthy entreprenural heroes will stand atwart the divide and be the bulwark of decency and jesus and all of that stuff.
    Bullshit.
    The problem now is that 2008 didn't hit the Red Staters hard enough for them to realize that the banks, the Sheldon Addlesons, the Karl Roves and Rush Limbaughs are going to fleece them till their skins bleed. Then they will realize that in the eyes of Charles and David Koch and all the rest of the instigators of this treason against the United States (also known as Teabaggin) think that the trailer trash, american exceptionalism loving, anti-anything Obama peons whose votes they gained through duplicity and out and out cheating, Were used to treat each and every one of them like a n-gr.
    All of them. Then, it will sink in. Finally. All those of us on the side of reason and thinking will see a real change in that side of the universe (or a return to this universe from the Fox Nebula) . All we can hope is that the land we all love is not irrevacably damaged by the plundering of our wealth, environment and human potential that they are planning.
    Welcome to the revolution, what kept you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Loved your comment. To the 1%, any of the 99% who vote Repub are po' white trash (regardless of race) -- they just don't know it, because their trailer homes happen to have professional landscaping and two cars in the driveway. Thanks for the wake up call.

      Delete
    2. Thanks. I've been thinking about that for the longest time. Jim brings out the need for me to start shouting at the mountain. Also, Nazis....

      Delete
    3. Wishing for a 'like' button teqnopagan..... your above comment certainly deserves a few. I've tried to explain this to teabag supporters, but to no avail. Your rant is much better than mine was. Nazis... definitely.

      Delete
  72. Also, Goody's. Knocks out headaches like Mike Tyson on a bender.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Also, Nazis. In fact, I see your Nazis and Raise you, a socialist (communist).

    ReplyDelete
  74. Also, Nazis. In fact, I see your Nazis and Raise you, a socialist (communist).

    ReplyDelete
  75. Also, Goody's. Knocks out headaches like Mike Tyson on a bender.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, Jim. Those might be worth trying. If I'm not mistaken, Goody's are darn near the same formula as Excedrin was, just in a packet 'o powder format that adds triggering the gag reflex to the overall migraine experience... :p

      Delete
  76. I'm so entertained by Limbaugh's commentary. Actually, according to him, Obama should be in jail and it would be his mother's fault that she didn't give her power up to another man to take care of her and make sure that her son was raised 'right'. Obviously... since he's the POTUS. Being raised by a single mother guarantees a gateway to sex, drugs and violence.

    ReplyDelete
  77. The picture captioned "IDIOTS: This is Your King" with the picture of Santorum is among the funniest visual images I have seen in quite some time. I cannot fathom a single job for which I would hire Rick Santorum and yet there he was chalking up votes by the thousands during the primary campaign. Simply stunning. I think Lincoln roams the halls of Heaven weeping over what has become of his party.

    ReplyDelete
  78. Your blog here was fantastic, but please, please tell me you are busily typing away at another as we now know that Mr. Mitt feels that 47% of the country believes they are entitled to health care, food, and "what not" and that the government should give it to them. That "they" don't want to take responsibility for their own lives. Yikes!!! Romney made these statements at a private fundraising event in Florida. Clearly, there is a huge portion of this country that Romney doesn't like, doesn't care about, and certainly isn't going to try to help.

    ReplyDelete
  79. Give 'em enough rope, shouldn't be too long (double entendre on purpose in case you're not one of the smart people). Duck season/wabbit season will come around to the "smart" way of thinking and then *blam* it will be all over -- and the right will be blinking in surprise, wondering how THAT happened.

    ReplyDelete
  80. Someone pointed me to your site about 40 minutes ago, and already I love you. And your cat. Just sayin'

    ReplyDelete
  81. Thanks for your very entertaining posting. I hope I correctly followed your sharing rules when I reposted it to Facebook (I should be okay because I used your "Facebook Like" button).

    Also, in addition to "Anonymous'" comment above from September 17, 2012 9:06 PM regarding the recently revealed Video talking about "47% of people are never going to vote for Mitt Romney" (paraphrased), a later video from the same meeting in May of this year showed up today on Mother Jones website[1] saying that Palestinians weren't interested in peace[2]. Worth a watch.

    Casey Leedom (not sure why the Google Profile didn't pick up my name)

    [1] http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/09/secret-video-romney-private-fundraiser

    [2] http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/18/romney-israel-palestine_n_1891868.html

    ReplyDelete
  82. I should know better than to start reading one of your posts when I even marginally have to pee. I had to stop when I saw the picture of Rick with the caption "Idiots, meet your king"!! I'll be back in a minute!!

    ReplyDelete
  83. Hi Jim,

    First time. Brightened my day. Former USAF fighter pilot who thinks W/Os are the best. I don't know if I will become a regular but it could happen.

    I am 77 former migraine sufferer and can pretty much assure you that migraines diminish with age. Have you tried the triptan drugs? They just went genric.

    Thanks for the laughs.

    SabreJim

    ReplyDelete
  84. Fuck that was an awesome post! Classic, side-splitting and spot on. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  85. New to your blog and I love it!

    ReplyDelete

Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.