Thank you, Rick.
Just … thank you.
You magnificent bastard, you’ve made my day.
I got up on a grayly cold and rainy Saturday morning with a shitty migraine (wait, that’s redundant, isn’t it?) complete with nausea. Then I had to take my cat to the vet for shots.
Oh yes, that’s just about as good as it gets right there.
Angry cat in a box.
The only thing that could have made my morning better would have been Wookie Jesus in the passenger seat playing a Nickelback cover on the bagpipes.
Frankly, I didn’t really expect today to improve in any marked fashion.
I thought about coming home, putting Betadine on the scratches, downing a handful of black-market Excedrin, and crawling back into bed.
Then you, Mr. Santorum, you spoke.
Rick Santorum spoke and the sky did open wide to the sound of a heavenly trumpet, the ugly bleak battleship colored clouds parted and a host of winged angels swirled down through the blazing firmament and began to sing.
And it sounded just like mocking laughter.
And I couldn’t help but join in.
The laughter makes my poor bruised brain bounce around inside my battered skull and Goddamn if that doesn’t hurt. But you, Sir, you make it all worthwhile.
“We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country. We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”
Smart people will never be on our side.
I’ll pause for a moment so you can savor the delicious irony that is Rick Santorum.
Smart people will never be on our side.
They will never be on our side.
Please, stop, Rick, you’re killing me.
Santorum was speaking this morning before the Value Voters Summit.
And seriously here, “Value Voters?”
It’s just me, right?
Come on Down to Election Bob’s Crazy Bargain Barn! Low Low Low Prices and Discount Votes! Bring your checkbooks, Folks, go home with a candidate today! Crazy Bob can’t keep prices this low forever! He’s Craaaaaaaaaazy!
But I digress.
We will never have the elite smart people on our side.
Jeez, you think, Rick? er, sorry, I guess by definition, actually no, you and the people you’re talking to don’t, in point of fact, think.
You’ve really got to admire a guy who can call his supporters stupid right to their pinched little faces, and they cheer him. But then, well, they’re none too bright, are they? I guess that’s sort of the point Rick was making in the first place.
You’re morons, Value Voters, morons. Thanks for coming and remember, first pants, then shoes. OK?
Indeed, it’s been quite the week for Not Too Bright On The Right, hasn’t it?
Instead of Value Voters at Crazy Bob’s Discount GOP, Santorum could have been addressing Ohio.
Because apparently there’s no excess of smart folks in Ohio either.
Turns out fifteen percent of Republicans in the Buckeye State think Mitt Romney is “more responsible” for the raid that killed Osama bin Laden than President Barack Obama. Forty seven percent are “not sure” if Romney deserves more credit than Obama. Six percent of Republicans gave Romney sole credit for taking down bin Laden.
There’s a two percent margin of error because a number of Republicans refused to answer the phone just in case The NSA attempted to beam sparkly Negro Rays through the wires in a secret attempt to turn conservatives all gay (Or more gay, as the case may be).
We will never have the elite smart people on our side.
Not in Ohio you won’t, Rick, that’s for Goddamned sure.
But, would you really want them anyway?
Smart people are a whole lot more work, I’m just saying.
Speaking of Osama bin Laden, after much contemplation, and apparently some recreation chemicals mixed with homemade liquor, Rush Limbaugh has put forward a new theory that Al Qaeda “gave Osama up” to the US Navy SEALs in an effort to give the guy who’s been bombing them from the sky another four years in the White House.
Limbaugh admits that he’s “just thinking off the top of my head” (frankly, I would have guessed that he pulled that opinion out of somewhere a bit lower on his anatomy – but upon reflection I realized, given the location of Rush’s head, that it’s basically the same thing).
Why would the world’s biggest America hating terrorist organization betray their founder and chief financier to the US?
“Let me put it to you this way. Do you think that militant Islamists will be as hopeful of getting rid of Israel with a Republican president or with a Democrat president?”
I guess that would depend on whether or not Republicans could turn a profit on it. Sorry, Jesus, it’s just business, you’re a Jew, you understand, right? (What? It’s been two thousand years, still too soon? Sheesh, sorry).
In recent weeks Rush has also suggested that Chicago teachers walked out on strike in some kind of subversive socialist scheme to help the President.
I know what you’re thinking, WTF, Jim? How does the Chicago teacher’s strike help Obama?
OK, first you’re overthinking it.
Try to approach this like you just sat through a Glenn Beck all day marathon:
See, on one side you’ve got the filthy liberal Communist America-hating Homo-loving Teachers’ Union. If there’s anything conservatives hate more than unions, it’s teachers. Teacher are smart. Unions are Commies or Nazis or unAmerican or gay or something. Teachers + Unions = Satan. And on the other side, well, it’s, Dear God! Rahm Emanuel. Run for your lives, Everybody!
No matter which sides wins, Obama wins.
And when Obama wins, Satan wins.
Goddamnit! See? Only smart people like teachers could have come up with such a nefarious plan!
Just last week Rush told his listeners that Barack Obama isn’t “authentically” black, because “he doesn’t have slave blood.”
Rush was upset that Michelle Obama gave such a stirring and inspired speech at the Democratic National Convention. You can see where he was coming from, really, the nerve of that uppity Negro.
“Obama did not grow up in poverty. His grandmother, the typical white woman, worked in a bank. Don’t give me this ‘down with the struggle’ business. He wasn’t down. In 2008, the Democrats were wringing their hands because he wasn’t authentically black… He wasn’t down with the struggle. He doesn’t have slave blood.”
Too bad the first lady couldn’t come up with a heartwarming story about how she and Barack had to cash in their investments just to afford Filet Mignon for their dog.
Limbaugh likes to call Obama a “Halfrican.” Isn’t that clever?
I guess that if Obama isn’t “authentically” black, Rush isn’t “authentically” a big fat racist douche.
Turns out that Obama actually is descended from American slaves, the very first African recorded as enslaved in America as a matter of fact, and even the Neo-Conservative Weekly Standard admits that the Obamas were pretty damned poor starting out. But hey, why confuse dimwits with facts, right?
Rush is also the guy who recently said that Batman: The Dark Knight Rises was an attack on Mitt Romney.
I’ll pause for a minute so you can take that in.
Batman was an attack on Mitt Romney.
See in the movie, the bad guy is named Bane.
What, are you people idiots?
Look, it’s simple: Bane = bad guy. And Bane sounds like Bain. Bain. See? Bain Capital, Mitt Romney’s company. Ah HA! So therefore obviously Obama is a communist Kenyan who eats little aborted white babies while scheming to turn America into a Liberal socialist vegetarian gay bath-house under Sharia Law.
Also, there might be Nazis.
I’m a little hazy on the part where billionaire industrialist Bruce Wayne, head of Wayne Enterprises, is a filthy liberal socialist. It’s probably because Batman likes cats (and women) and doesn’t pack a gun. But I digress.
Meanwhile, just two days after appearing on stage with Mitt Romney, God’s favorite Christian, Pat Robertson, told a man to move to Saudi Arabia so he could beat his wife legally.
I’ll pause, while you take that in.
Responding to a letter from a man who claimed he’d lost confidence (I think we all know what that means), because his wife insulted him, Robertson suggested that the man become a Muslim so he could beat his wife.
No, I am not, in point of fact, actually shitting you.
Anybody else would have advised the guy to pick up some discount Viagra off Amazon. Seriously Pat probably gets it in by the truckload direct from Mexico. Instead, Robertson advised the guy to become a Muslim and move to the Middle East so he can legally beat his wife. Man, I missed that part of the bible – oh wait, no…
Robertson’s startled female co-host looked somewhat nonplused at this, so Pat helpfully elaborated:
“I think this man’s got to stand up to her. He can’t let her get away with this stuff. And, uh, you know, I don’t know… I don’t think we condone wife beating these days, but something’s got to be done to make her… She is just totally, well, she’s rebellious, chances are she was rebellious with her father and mother, she’s a rebellious child and she doesn’t want to submit to any authority. And she probably had temper tantrums when she was a kid, you know, the little girl, ‘I hate you, I hate you,’ and she wants to slap her father. Well, that’s the same kinda thing. She’s transferred the father now. I hate to say everything’s gotta be some kind of psychological counseling, but that’s the problem. She does not understand authority. When she was growing up, nobody made her behave, and now you’ve got a 13-year-old in a 30-year-old woman’s body. Now, what do you do with that? Well, you can’t divorce her according to scripture. So I say, move to Saudi Arabia.”
Really, who better to seek marital advice from, than a guy who’s “not entirely sure” if we still allow wife beating in America.
And really, who better to speak for the party of Jesus and family values than a guy who advises men to move to Saudi Arabia so’s they can beat rebellious women.
Wonder how he feels about stoning?
And then there was an editorial on Investors.com posted last week that was utterly terrified by President Obama’s speech at the Democratic National Convention – in fact the article was entitled “The Terrifying Line in Obama’s Speech That Everybody Missed.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that the mentally ill are able to find work in media, but frankly it seems to me that a clinical paranoid should maybe have a keeper. Conservatives are still firmly convinced that word “Hope” means “Socialism” and “Change” means “Giant Negros are coming to eat our white babies!” Also, well, you know.
Anyway, moving on…
Oh. What was the terrifying line in Obama’s speech that everybody missed?
Apparently Obama promised to pursue the kind of “bold, persistent experimentation that Franklin Roosevelt pursued during the only crisis worse that this one.”
Oh no, anything but that. Wouldn’t want that!
But wait a minute, conservatives also don’t want Obama to keep doing what he’s been doing.
Don’t do what you’re doing, but don’t do anything different.
Sure, I’ll pause for a moment. You maybe want some black market Excedrin?
Ready to go on?
Michael Goodman over on Fox News is convinced that Obama and the Democrats “want to conquer America, not unite it.”
Um, excuse me, but isn’t conquest what Republicans do? Hello, is this thing on?
More than anything, Mike is upset that Obama is just so charismatic and charming, such a good speaker, just so darn likable. It’s just not fair, man!
You should bookmark the Goodman article, because if you ever need an excellent example of the Strawman Fallacy, that’s a really nice one.
In the last month we’ve seen a US Congressman who thinks women can prevent pregnancy resulting from rape by using some kind of secret feminine mojo. These are the same folks who believe that abortion causes breast cancer. Apparently Female Sex Magic can only kill rape sperm cells not your actual cancer cells. That seems to be a major design flaw, has anybody spoken to God about this?
Do I need to pause again, or … no? OK. Just raise your hand if you need a break.
Christian students down in Louisiana are being taught that the Loch Ness Monster is not only real but disproves pretty much all of science.
In Kentucky, Ken Ham and his Creation Museum have fleeced enough loot from the drooling idiots to build themselves an Ark. Does it make me a bad person because I hope for a really, really big flood on opening day?
Meanwhile, conservative creationist writer Russ Gigg recently advised Stephen Hawking, Stephen Fucking Hawking, to find “real” answers in the Epistles of John – because apparently a guy that is only one of seventeen people to ever hold the Cambridge University Lucasian Professorship of Mathematics doesn’t understand science. Stephen Fucking Hawking doesn’t understand science.
Yes, I see you waving your hand. Here, breathe into this paper bag. You’ll be OK.
Tennessee State Republican Senator Stacy Campfield announced last week that it was “virtually impossible” for heterosexuals to get AIDS. Virtually impossible. Not entirely impossible, but virtually impossible. Campfield, if you recall, is the same guy who came up with the “Don’t Say Gay!” bill last year.
Is it just me? Or does Campfield spend a lot of time thinking about gay stuff?
What? I’m just saying is all.
A lot of time.
Of course, you can hardly blame the poor guy for his goofy views. Campfield belongs to a political party who, according to Rick Santorum, isn’t all that bright.
Campfield also believes that being gay is a lifestyle choice.
Funny isn’t it?
Gay is a choice.
But people like Stacy Campfield are apparently just born stupid.
Smart people will never be on our side.
I didn’t expect to get up today and find myself agreeing with Rick Santorum of all damned people, but there you have it.
You’d have to be an idiot to belong to the same outfit as these people.
Even they think so.