There’s this little taco stand that I like down by the port.
It’s nothing fancy, just your basic workingman kind of place. It’s literally a shack, a little lunch counter that serves mostly Americanized Mexican food. Four fifty gets you a drink and great breakfast burrito made fresh to order with the best homemade hot sauce in town.
Once or twice a week I stop in on my way to work.
The guy who runs the place is a damned nice fellow, and I enjoy talking to him while he grills the ham slices and spoons scrambled eggs and sharp cheese and hot sauce into a tortilla wrap.
Typically it takes no more than a minute or so to get what I want and be on my way.
This morning there was a guy ordering for his entire work crew, a dozen burritos of different kinds.
And there were four or five working stiffs behind him, all waiting for their orders.
Which meant at least a ten minute wait.
I’m not big on waiting and I hate lines. I almost left without ordering but I was hungry, and I really like those burritos, so I got in the queue.
Which meant that I had the privilege of listening to the loudmouthed blowhards talking politics in front of me.
I arrived just as the conversation turned to immigrants and how they’re lazy parasites who’re just here for free entitlements. I’m fairly sure that neither of them saw the irony of having that particular conversation in a Mexican food stand run by a hardworking Mexican immigrant and his sons.
The TV behind us was showing clips from the President’s recent address before the United Nations. One of those morning show type announcers was giddily bloviating about Iran, nuclear weapons, and the pending war with Israel.
“Yeah, did you watch that?” Asked the first guy, who we’ll call Red on account of his … hair. “Jesus, what an embarrassment that idiot is.”
“No, I can’t watch him,” replied the second guy, who I’ll designate Stupid for his striking resemblance to Rick Santorum. “He’s like one of them old timey cartoons, all eyes and teeth and those Dumbo ears sticking out. It makes me sick seeing him up there in front of the UN apologizing for America all the time. Idiot. He gets reelected, they might as well just give the country to the fuckin’ Muslims.”
“Well that’s what he’s doing with Israel,” said Red, his voice authoritative with the kind of conviction you get from listening to talk radio. “He sold them right down the river, basically just said Iran could have a nuclear bomb and we weren’t going to stop them. We’ve got to get this guy out of office before it’s too late. Hopefully Iran will hold off until after the election.”
I opened my mouth…and then closed it firmly. Just get breakfast, Jim, I told myself, get breakfast and get the hell out. Get breakfast. Get out.
“Yeah, I really worry about this country,” said Stupid, shaking his head sadly. “Get this, I heard Obama is going to resume aboveground atomic testing out west.”
You may, if you like, visualize me in full boggle at that moment. Wait, what? Did this guy just say… nah, couldn’t be.
“No shit?” asked Red. “What about the radiation? The EPA will go apeshit. They’ll never let him to do that. Those pricks run the country.”
“No, it’s their idea. That’s what the guy said, that’s the whole point. Just like when they were doing that testing back in the 60’s, the fallout will settle all over the West, right? Not enough to kill anybody, but everybody will get scared of the cancer and they’ll have to have Obamacare and then the EPA can use it as an excuse to stop drilling. Kick everybody off their land. No more fracking, right? So even after he’s out office they still won’t be able to drill out there and we’ll have to buy our oil from the friggin’ Arabs.”
Breakfast, Jim, I said to myself, just get breakfast and get out. And stop boggling, they’re going to notice.
“I swear this guy is more like Hitler every day. But the stupid Liberals are going to reelect him anyway. We’re going to be living in Germany if we don’t get him out of office.”
“We already are, Bro, we already are…”
By this point, I was literally biting my tongue.
Nazis. I hadn’t even had my goddamned breakfast yet and already there were Nazis.
It’s not bad enough that it was raining and cold. Now there were Nazis too.
Just once, really, I’d like to get through my day without Nazis.
Now granted, neither Red nor Stupid specifically mentioned Nazis per se, but they did say Hitler and you have to figure Nazis just sort of naturally follow.
Like the man said, Nazis, I really hate those guys.
So, to recap, Obama is going to nuke the West in order to make people use Obamacare and to stop fracking so we have to buy our oil from the Arabs, he’s doing this because he’s Hitler and he hates Israel and America. Also, Nazis.
Well, sure, when you put it like that, it is a frighteningly probable scenario.
These were grown men. Adults. With jobs. Probably they had kids and wives and maybe pet dogs. From their dress and the fact that they were in the port area at six in the morning, they obviously had some kind of job, a trade, some kind of skill, something that required at least a modicum of rational thought – I mean, you would think, right? They walked upright and were capable of rudimentary communication. They could order burritos and operate machinery.
And yet, there it was, naked insanity. Raving paranoia masquerading as rational discussion. Unfettered lunacy running free in the streets. Random chaos in the life support system.
Nazis. At six in the morning. Goddamned Nazis.
Well, said I to myself, if nothing else, Jim, you’ve gotten it out of the way early today. You got breakfast and you managed to get away without hurting people, well done, Sir. And now it’s over. Unless you run into Sarah Palin riding an actual velociraptor through the streets of Anchorage chasing the homeless into the freezing waters of the port, there’s nothing else you’ll witness today that will be as silly. You may now coast through the day and embark upon the weekend free of worry. Yay.
Oh how very wrong I was.
So very, very wrong.
Everything would have been OK, but then I came across William J. Murray.
They say that the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.
That may be true of acorns, but nuts on the other hand can apparently roll for miles.
Murray is the founder and head of the Religious Freedom Coalition, a Washington D.C. lobbying group focused on hating pretty much anybody who is not Murray’s version of a Christian.
Murray is another one of those ultra religious types who spend more time thinking about homosexuality than actual gay people do.
In 2009, Murray announced that gayness causes train crashes. Yep.
Last week, Murray declared that the recent outbreak of Middle Eastern violence is, in fact, caused by “elitist homosexual diplomats.”
Yes, you read that right. Gay people caused the riots in Libya and Egypt and elsewhere. Gay people. But then if gay people can use their gayness to wreck speeding trains, inciting a riot and terrorism is certainly within their sparkly gay powers. Gayness, is there nothing it can’t do? And do fabulously?
Look at Christopher Stevens, the ambassador that was killed, he was probably a homosexual. Many of the diplomats, the State Department diplomats that I meet with in the Middle East when I go are homosexuals. When I went to the Jordanian embassy a few years ago the ambassador took the group of us that were there on a fact-finding mission and he wanted a picture of us with him in front of a rainbow colored flag, not the US flag. We send people there and they deal with people on an elite level that aren’t really truly Muslims, we send nutcases over there who are dealing with apostate Muslims and then they report back that this is Islam. This is not Islam. What Islam teaches is what is being dealt in the streets.
As I said, the nuts tend to roll. See, William J. Murray is also the son of famous (or as he says, infamous) atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair – how’s that for some irony, eh?
If there is a God, he’s obviously got a seriously twisted sense of humor.
William Murray is also the founder of the awkwardly named God Is Not Government PAC or GingPAC for short.
Last week GingPAC ran the following full page ad in papers across the country, particularly in the swing states:
Again, even though they weren’t specifically mentioned, I think we can safely assume that there are Nazis in there somewhere.
Honestly, who would believe this stuff?
Bonnie Plott does. When one of the papers that printed the above ad, The Sarasota Patch, later printed a retraction and an apology, Bonnie left the following comment:
I DONOT SEE ANY THING WRONG!!!!!! IF HE IS ELECTED,
THIS WILL HAPPEN, "NO FREE SPEECH, OR ANYTHING ELSE"
WAKE UP AMERICA, BEFORE WE ARE SLAVES TO MUSLIMS
She wasn’t alone. And over on World News Daily, they’ve started eating each other in the comments section.
I’ve said it before, you simply cannot reason with unreasonable people – and anybody who actually believes the silly shit in that ad is not a reasonable person.
These people, they don’t hate Barack Obama.
I don’t know who they actually hate, but it isn’t Barack Obama. It’s some bizarre boogeyman that lives only in the closet of their imagination.
I mean look at what they’re afraid of. It’s bizarre.
Obama will force Christian organizations to pay for abortions. Uh no. We’ve settled this. How many times do we have to go over it? These people have abortion on the brain.
I think we need a new law: You have to personally help one hundred actual living breathing babies who have been actually born, you have to provide food, healthcare, shelter, love, compassion, education and so on for one hundred actual babies before you’re allowed to even mutter the word “abortion” under your breath. One hundred, here, abroad, I don’t care, but you have to help each baby personally by your own hand. Period. No exceptions. Only then may you complain about abortion. Otherwise, the rest of us get to shove a rabid honey badger up your ass so you can experience the same degree of irritation your endless abortion bullshit causes us. Sound fair?
Obama will force Christian schools to hire non-Christian teachers. Again, no. That’s just plain asinine.
But you know, it seems to me that this isn’t a bad idea. After all, Christians like William J. Murray want to teach their version of biology in public schools. They say that they only want equal time. Equal. I’m hip. Let’s require that all religious schools – including home schools – have to hire a certified evolutionary biologist, preferably an atheist, to provide equal counterbalance to the creationism. And while they’re at it they can emphasize that the Bible and Christianity are one theory among many – a theory without any scientific support whatsoever in any fashion. In order to pass this mandatory class, children must actually answer the test questions and get them right in accordance with current evolutionary theory. If kids can put down “Jesus did it” on a public school biology test, then they should be have to write in “science did it” on religious school tests. That seems fair to me.
Oh, Right. Maybe we better have those religious schools hire some actual mathematicians too, so the kids can learn what the word “equal” means.
Obama will force all states to permit same-sex “marriages.” And not only that, he’ll make military chaplains perform gay marriages too. Yeah, once again, these people spend a lot of time thinking about gay stuff. I’m just saying.
Speaking of which, Obama will apparently force doctors to assist homosexuals in buying surrogate babies.
Let’s try that again and see if it sounds any less stupid.
Obama will force doctors to assist homosexuals in buying surrogate babies.
Obama will force doctors to assist homosexuals in buying surrogate babies.
Obama. Will. Force. Doctors. To. Assist. Homosexuals. In. Buying. Surrogate. Babies.
Oh for fuck’s sake.
Just … fuck, really?
You know, I’m pretty sure if that if the folks over at Guinness have a world record category for Dumbest Goddamned Thing Ever Uttered In The History Of Man, EVER, “Obama will force doctors to assist homosexuals in buying surrogate babies” would win the all time record hands down. I mean, honestly here, what possible competition could that have?
Somebody help me out here, is this something conservatives are actually afraid of?
Are conservatives actually afraid that the President of the United States is going to somehow force doctors to help gay people buy surrogate babies?
Because if you’re actually afraid of that then you are certifiably nuts.
Seriously, if you fear this, then you belong in an institution. You should be locked up and pumped full of happy juice and strapped to a gurney before you choke on your own feces. You’re an idiot, no, strike that, you’d have to take classes and study diligently for years to rise to the level of simple idiot.
Obama will force doctors to assist homosexuals in buying surrogate babies.
I can’t count the number of things wrong with that one sentence. It’s not even funny as a joke. If this is what Murray’s religion does to you, it should be classified as a dangerous disease in the same category as Ebola and the Mad Cow, one that ought to be approached only with sterilizing fire and abject caution.
The rest of the list is pretty damned stupid and every stupid-assed item there has been thoroughly debunked, but gay surrogate babies, that takes the big crazy Republican cake.
And not to digress or anything, but isn’t it mothers who are surrogates? If the baby is a surrogate, what’s it a surrogate for?
The statement at the end of the ad is mind boggling:
This is the true agenda of Barack Hussein Obama, the only President in history who has deliberately removed the words “endowed by their Creator” when referring to our Declaration of Independence, not once, but several times. Barack Hussein Obama believes human rights come from government, not from God, and that he as President can take those rights away for the “social good.”
Except, of course, none of the things listed are rights as defined by either the Constitution or the Christian deity.
And as to that bit about being the “only President in history” who deliberately left out “endowed by their creator” when referring to America’s founding principles, well that’s wrong too. Other presidents have quoted the phrase “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” without mentioning a creator – Ronald Reagan chief among them. And Obama has routinely used the phrase in its entirety, including the part about the creator.
But hey, why spoil lies and raving paranoia with facts, right?
What the hell is wrong with these people?
Frankly, at this point, I’m staring to think aboveground nuclear testing might not be such a bad idea after all.
Radiation kills cancer, right?
I wonder how it works on Nazis?
And least you think it just me: Here’s a different perspective on this same subject.