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Saturday, January 14, 2012

Freedom Fried

What do you call a man who speaks multiple languages?

A polyglot.

What do you call a man who speaks two languages?

Bilingual.

What do you call a man who only speaks one language – and poorly at that?

An American.

 

Goddamned right. There’s only one language worth knowing and that’s English American.

Speak it loud, speak it proud.

Speak it really slowly so that that natives will understand.

Turns out that Mitt Romney speaks French.

Can you believe it?

French.

Of all the languages that are not the biblically musical angelic language of Heaven, i.e. English American, Romney chose French. The language of beret wearing socialist surrender monkeys. The Romans who killed Jesus? They were speaking French, that’s a fact and you can look it up on the internet. While you’re at it, look up French in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Adolf Hitler French kissing Chairman Mao.  It’s totally true.

And Mittens croaks like a froggy Frog eating a little gay croissant.

French is probably the language of the Anti-Christ himself – well when he’s not speaking Chinese that is. 

French!

See, it turns out that during his college years back in the socialist hippy 60’s, Mitt Romney spent two years in France as a Mormon Missionary. Two years! And get this, instead of proudly wearing a huge cowboy hat and a Chinese made T-shirt with a picture of US Marines eating actual French babies covered in ketchup, and instead of demanding in a really loud voice that all Frenchmen address him in God’s English American while serving extra double bacon cheeseburgers as is the inalienable right of all Americans abroad, Mitt actually learned French and actually conversed with Frenchy French people in French! 

Probably while eating French Toast with a side of French Fries dipped in French Dressing while wearing a French Tickler!

What real American would do such a thing?

And would you really want him in the White House?

I mean, honestly, what kind of American President would speak French?

Besides George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, James Madison, James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, William Henry Harrison, Teddy Roosevelt, and Franklin Roosevelt.  Turns out Ben Franklin spoke French too, he wasn’t the president, but his face is on our money so it’s pretty much the same exact thing.  Ok, so besides those anti-American Frenchy-loving socialist traitors, what kind of President would speak French?  Did Reagan speak French? I don’t think so because Ronald Reagan was as American as the Statue of Liberty! You damned right he was.  Did George W. Bush speak French? Hell, he could barely speak English American (Texan being his native tongue), but darn it he tried and that’s what matters.

You know who else speaks French?

Liberals!

That’s right, filthy America-hating socialist Nazi moderate limp-wristed wussy liberals speak French:

And he speaks French too…

Mitt couldn’t have a couple of bastard children out of wedlock with his undocumented nanny, or a couple of extramarital affairs, or a history of ethics violations, or a conviction for snorting cocaine out of a gay prostitute’s shaved ass crack in a public restroom, or claimed a personal endorsement from Jedi Jebus, or have put out a bunch of racist and bigoted newsletters, or consulted for the very organizations what destroyed our economy, or even have a couple of pictures from his college days sitting on a Kegerator smoking a doobie and wearing a Party Naked T-shirt with the sleeves ripped off like a real patriotic conservative American hero of Patriotic America. Mitt hasn’t even molested one Congressional Page! Oh, no. No, Mitt has to go and learn French.

Why, I bet he listens to the Dixie Chicks!

Mitt Romney is the kind of guy who would have an autographed poster of Anthony Weiner tacked up on the wall in his garage!

Oh you think that’s going too far, do you?  He speaks French! French! He’s bilingual! And bilingual sounds a lot like bisexual! Which is only about one slobbery French man kiss away from just being out and out a flaming rainbow colored sparkly homosexual!

Bilingual, sounds a lot like two-faced to me.

He speaks French, just like John Kerry!  John friggin’ Kerry. What’s next? Are we going to find out Romney was awarded a Silver Star and a couple of Purple Hearts? Who the hell would want a guy like that as President.  Honestly, you’re talking about somebody that isn’t even smart enough to arrange something as simple as a draft deferment for patriotic conservatism. Now, how would a Commander in Chief like that have the fortitude to be able to send other people’s kids off to die in a foreign land? Seriously. Think about it.

In the name of Fulminous Angry Bearded Capitalist Jesus, what else is a man like Mittens capable of?

Why, he might even know math!

Imagine a President who believes in that science crap!  Why he might believe that the earth is more than 6000 years old! You ever talk to somebody who knows math and science and stuff?  First thing they do is start in with all that totally unsupported gibberish about how it would have been impossible for Noah to have brontosaurs on the Ark while the Deluge was creating the Grand Canyon. They’ve got all those equations and radioactive decay things and fossils and stuff  that supposedly shows that the Earth isn’t the center of the universe like it says in the Bible.  People like this think they’re smart because they know math, but they don’t even know what the word “theory” means! Honestly, people like this would believe anything. Why, why what if Mitt Romney believes in Global Climate Change?  Holy Mackerel!

I heard that Romney once gave a homeless illegal alien a sandwich!

That’s right. Shocking, I know. Just gave a hobo a sandwich. Didn’t make him earn it. Didn’t tell him to get a job and stop dragging down America. Didn’t tell him to go back to Mexico.  Didn’t force the man into indentured servitude on his family’s Texas ranch where the filthy bum could learn about American capitalism from the example of his betters.  No, just gave the man a big old socialist sandwich. Then, of course, he probably gave the man healthcare too! And a voucher for a free abortion! 

Honestly, where does this end?

He speaks French, there’s no telling where that leads – honestly what if it turns out Romney believes that the Constitution applies to everybody, even gay people?

 

French is the gateway drug to liberalism, Folks, mark my words!

 

If Romney was a real Conservative, he’d learn to speak a good capitalist language.

Like German.

 

Update:

Oh Sweet Baby Peas!

And you thought I was crazy.

Instead, it turns out that I am most insightful blogger on the net. 

Look here, it’s Romneism! Romney is redistributing the wealth!  Just out and out socialism, right there. Is this what we can expect from a Romney presidency?

Not on my watch, folks, not on my watch.

 

 


 

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   I’m Stonekettle Station, and I totally approve this message.

47 comments:

  1. ZOMGWTFBBQ, that ad was hilarious. Are Republicans really so gullible that such a tactic would actually work? Really?

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  2. Are Republicans really so gullible that such a tactic would actually work? Really?

    I assume that's a rhetorical question.

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  3. I put my hot tea down BEFORE reading this post. I want to believe that means I'm actually learning, but what it probably means is that I just spent two hours unsticking the keys on my keyboard after the LAST unfortunate incident.

    The scary part is, this whole thing makes Mitt look like a viable candidate. A candidate capable of understanding other cultures, math, AND science? Crap. Can the Americans handle that? Would they allow it?

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  4. Are Republicans really so gullible that such a tactic would actually work? Really?

    Yes, and yes. Literally, figuratively, existentially, rhetorically, substantially, insanely and you betcha!

    wv:lenes-French for liberal, obviously.

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  5. Sigh. I thought so.

    If you need me, I'll be in the corner with a fork in my eye.

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  6. I am incredulous, simply incredulous that this is a real ad. But, apparently, it is. Good grief. It appears to be real.

    I think this is going to force me to reappraise my lack of religious belief: it is very possible that God is real and He reads The Onion.

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  7. It's real. I checked. It's running in South Carolina right now, put up by one of Newt's SuperPAC's, Newt 2012

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  8. Well, sest lah vee, like the French and I always say; it's at least refreshing to see them eating their own instead of just focusing on the Muslim, Kenyan anti-Christ currently in the White House.

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  9. And paid for by the Newtster, too. Sigh.

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  10. And paid for by the Newtster, too

    Yeah, that's sort of the whole point here.

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  11. Oh my. Ohmyohmyohmyohmy! My cheeks ache from laughing. Husband is guffawing.
    Especially liked the "Ronald Reagan was as American as the Statue of Liberty"!
    I'm too lazy to read the commenting rules so I hope saying "I love youuu" isn't ag'in them.

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  12. If knowing other languages, in particular French, is bad in the GOP's view, no wonder they've marginalized Huntsman so much - he's fluent in Mandarin.

    Here's an interesting little link that shows past and present Republican's foreign language-speaking skills:

    2012.republican-candidates.org/Foreign-Languages.php

    And guess what? According to this site, the Newt himself parlez-vous's a bit of Le France himself.

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  13. I had a good chuckle at this attack idea myself. "Oh, no. French. The language of aristocrats." How fitting. Heavy sigh. Romney is the epitome of a spineless, do anything to get elected politician. His ability to speak French is so beside the point it's in an other universe from the point. But, hey, we all know that people vote based on reason rather than emotion, so it's all good. Or not.

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  14. And let's not forget all the First Ladies who also spoke French. Jackie Kennedy to name one. I'm wondering if this SuperPac idea might be a good one after all. Let all the weirdos run their idea of support or attack ads and make the potential nominees decide it is safer to swear off accepting PAC money. Might even make them holler for laws to keep PAC money OUT of campaigns.

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  15. While I was reading this, and because I didn't click on the video (my bad) I was trying to figure out what the comments were about. Then, lo and behold, the ad was played on NPR.
    OMG, that is hysterical. Couldn't the Newtster find something a little badder than that???? (yes, I know technically that's not a word, but enough time with the 5 year old today and I'm speaking like her..)

    Anyway...this whole Republican Primary thingy is entertaining to say the least. Every time I sit down to read the news or listen to the radio I'm just aquiver with anticipation for their latest antics.
    November 2012 can't come soon enough. Then we can get on with life, cut out the theatrics and let the adult in the room get down to business.

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  16. I think you guys are fixating on the words... The folks these ads are targeted to are people who read picture books. The pictures paint an association with failed democratic nominees. I would go as far as Massachusetts democrats, but I'm not entirely sure these folks know where Massachusetts would be...

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  17. Once again, checked "I cried" as the ending for "I laughed until..."

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  18. Keep going!
    I was pleased to see your article cross posted in the Mudflats.
    Your ascerbic wit deserves a wider audience!

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  19. Most American conservative voters mistrust anyone who's been to college. That's the biggest reason why I won't run for public office here in Texas. That, and my non-conservativism and besides, I go to the wrong church (which is none at all.)

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  20. sheila, who is not lurking today,January 14, 2012 at 5:56 PM

    Mittens is a French-born Muslim!

    I demand to see his long-form birth certificate.

    wv = rabeequ -- (from Old Fr. rabeque, meaning "republican") n. a picnic featuring roadkill roasted on a spit, followed by a trip to the hospital and a series of very painful injections.

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  21. Your only hope in the next election is to elect Canada as your President. Yes, we speak French, but not like they do in Gay Pari so its okay. You'll be happy with us leading your country. So in November vote often, vote Canada!

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  22. Y'know, if it wasn't for those French helping us during the American Revolution, we'd all be speaking English and have a national anthem that could actually be sung rather than that ode to fireworks that regularly trips up pop tarts of ordinary vocal ability who mangle it at the beginning of football games. And oh, our football would be played with a *round* ball that was, like, actually kicked with *feet*, rather than being some bizarre mashup of rugby, wrestling, and line-dancing. Thank you, France!

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  23. Jesus Hapalong Christ, timb111, that just fucking made my day.

    The rest of you, go click on @timb's link. Do it right now.

    Meanwhile, I'll be posting that to facebook.

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  24. Listens to the Dixie Chicks...LOL

    Good one Jim!

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  25. You missed French Letters.

    "Although the dissertation is written entirely in English, the footnotes give evidence that Gingrich had a quite adequate command of written French." from a post about Newt's PhD http://robertpaulwolff.blogspot.com/2011/11/newt-gingrichs-doctoral-dissertation.html

    Now I'll go back and read the whole thing, with my coffee cup on the table. At least I had a spare keyboard.

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  26. Well, seems Mr Wright is a REAL 'job creator'.....lots of folks have the "job" of getting coffee, water, tea, spit, snot etc out of their keyboards for the rest of the day!

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  27. Well if we're thinking about electing someone who speaks Frog, I'm lining up behind Dominique Strauss-Kahn! After being accused of sleeping with prostitutes, he countered that he "may" have slept with some at orgies but he "defies anyone to tell the difference between a naked prostitute and any other naked woman"!

    Vive La Frogs!

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  28. I had something interesting happen today. I was talking to my neighbor, who tends to bring up all the latest "conservative" talking points, and instead of the latest Faux News spin, he was *gasp!* talking about how corporations have too much power and how that's the real reason people are having so many problems.

    This is the same guy who actually believed the birthers until I printed out Obama's birth certificate, refers to Obama as "your" Obama (my response--He isn't "my" Obama, I didn't vote for him!), and generally subscribes to most of the myths making the rounds.

    So maybe there's hope!

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  29. Newt should have a new video out soon attacking Romney for giving money instead of telling her to get a job. Of course with Newt. she might find herself competing with 13 year old for those "high paying" school janitor jobs.

    When did the unemployed become evil?

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  30. I'm pretty sure the Statue of Liberty speaks French, too.

    Except they don't let her talk any more, because she keeps trying to say that shit about give me your tired, your poor....

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  31. Personally I'm beginning to think it's all a long false flag operation to drain democratic coffers on all this opposition research. Or the conservative think they're "clearing house" so the progressives can't use any of the dirt in the general election.

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  32. Is this a real campaign ad? Really? Seriously? Not kidding?

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  33. Yes, it is a real ad put out by Newt Gingrich's superPAC in South Carolina.

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  34. Newt n'aime pas les français? Quelle connard! Pourquoi il dit des conneries comme ça? Putain de merde!

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  35. "Ronald Reagan was as American as the Statue of Liberty!"

    I saw what you did there.

    Hoo-ha! Another gem, and about damn time! Why, one would think you actually had better things to do with your time than sit there churning out blog posts for your fans.

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  36. one would think you actually had better things to do with your time

    Well, there's that and the fact that I've been sicker than hell for about two weeks. Hard to think clearly, let alone write, when your head is full of giant globs of gelatinous gooey phlegm.

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  37. Remember the guy who occupied the Maison Blanc between the Clinton disaster era and the Islamic poccolips years? Shrub or Peanut or Ibn Sharmuta.........Doubleyou!! That's it!

    I recall that W beat down David Gregory during a joint press call with Jack Chirac when Greg asked Chirac a question in French. Bush's pissed off response to Gregory's linguistic faux pas would be comical if it wasn't so cringe inducing.

    Bush had a dickish and infantile pout when Gregory spoke real French to a Frenchy. As opposed to W's Cliff Notes Mexican. Safety tip: Never show up the POTUS in front of another head of state.

    I am unsure that Obama speaks a foreign language other than English and Jive. Certainly Arabic and Swahili. Or Samburu perhaps. Anyway, something brown and read from left to right; or articulated with clicks and glottal stops.

    I think its very helpful for our next CEOIC to understand the tongue of our enemy. (That came out wrong didn't it? But, now its in your head.) The GOP short bus, mouth breathing voters don't care what comes out his gob as long as he is white and not Obama.

    Anyway they are all better than us, so keep the noise down or Willard will take away the internet when he's in charge.

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  38. Sorry, Arabic is read right to left. My Koran was upside down.

    A year and half in Monterey CA on the taxpayer dimw, and all I really learned was how to sail and blow shit up.

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  39. "Imagine a President who believes in that science crap! Why he might believe that the earth is more than 6000 years old!... Why, why what if Mitt Romney believes in Global Climate Change?"

    Don't get your knickers in a bunch over that possibility. It's a requirement of the GOP platform that all elected party members be as ignorant as dirt about science and reject overwhelming factual evidence, especially of climate change and evolution.

    We already had a Republican president who arranged his schedule according to an astrologer. Any day now they're going to make it mandatory for their candidates to believe that the sun orbits the earth, and then they'll make it mandatory to teach it that way.

    Just doing their bit to make America an international laughingstock.

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  40. You say International Laughingstock like it's a bad thing

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  41. Ah Mr. Wright, sounds like you're channeling Earl Pitts there ;)
    Only missing the "You know what makes me sick?" at the beginning hehe.

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  42. Thank you for enlightening me. I am now far less worried about Mr. Romney's possible presidency.

    (And the ability to laugh at Newt once more? Priceless!)

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  43. I tried to order a little gay croissanwich at Burger King this morning. I wanted to see if it came with sparkles. They pretended they didn't have any little gay croissants, but I feel like they were lying. If I understood how the Super PAC thing worked, I'd make one, and run negative ads against that Burger King kid because I couldn't get what I wanted.

    Kim

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  44. Ah, mon amis . . . ce magnifique!

    Your excellent post brings to mind a froggy french philosopher much beloved by our founding fathers, though I have a funny feeling that today's crop of pining for the past republicans would just as soon forget he ever existed. I speak of Francois Marie Arouet, known to history by his pen name: Voltaire.

    "Prejudices are what fools use for reason." -Voltaire

    "Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers." -Voltaire

    I also couldn't help but remembering that scene from Casablanca (irony alert: it means white house in another, subversive, foreign language) when Laszlo makes the house band play "Le Marseillaise."

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  45. You are correct that George Bush did not speak French, but to his credit, he did speak another language - Spanish, and he was quite fluent in it. Just a comment.

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  46. Happy Lunar New Year from Vietnam, folks.

    Actually it's a pretty sad state of affairs when education and learning are marks of inauthenticity. I've known people who spoke six languages and thought nothing of it.

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