Sunday, May 27, 2012

Things That Chap My Ass About Facebook

Facebook has been in the news a lot lately.

More than usual, I mean.

There was the whole IPO thing last week, which didn’t exactly live up to everybody’s expectations.

I’m not really sure how people didn’t see that coming.

Frankly, I don’t think Facebook’s initial offering could have lived up to the hype.  Facebook’s IPO reminded me of the Star Wars prequels, there was absolutely nothing Lucas could have made that would have lived up to the frothy fanboy hype, especially for The Phantom Menace, so he just did whatever he felt like and got even more rich. The fans were all bummed, and they never got over it.

But, funny thing, they kept going back.

That’s right. Star War fans love to hate the Prequels, but they just keep watching them.

Dude, the prequels suck bantha poodoo!

Yeah! I know! That Jar Jar Binks is racist stereotype douche!

I know! I hate George Lucas!

Why are we talking like William Shatner?

Because from now on, it’s Star Trek all the way, my friend. Screw Lucas, Man, screw that bearded Jedi douche!

Yeah! We’re not giving him another dime.



So, what do you want to do tonight?

Go see Star Wars?


And on the way home, they bought the DVD. Then a year later they bought the Blu-Ray. Then a year after that, the director’s cut.  And now they’re waiting for the 3D Extended Cut With Extra Dark Side.  And they still hate The Prequels and George Lucas is still rich and The Phantom Menace and its two shitty companion flicks continue to make gobs of money to this very day.  With Facebook it was the same thing.  Honestly, people were acting like you were going to get a free Genuine Jesus and a new BMW with each stock share.  There was no damned way Facebook’s IPO could have lived up to all the hoopla and expectations – and the folks on Wall Street certainly should have known that (Oh wait, they did. They just didn’t bother to tell you. But I digress). 

Facebook’s IPO didn’t live up to expectations.


So now people are declaring it a failure and forecasting Facebook’s imminent demise.

Bawahaha. Yeah. Sure.

As I said on Facebook itself a couple days back, currently nearly a billion people use Facebook. A billion. That’s nearly one seventh of the world’s total population.

Yeah,  but they’re a billion losers, Jim, I hear you say in that ponderous William Shatner voice you use when you’re about to explain how we should all go get a life.  Real life, that’s where it’s at.  Dump the ‘book, Man, go outside!

Sorry? I missed what you said because I was busy posting a picture of my cat to Twitter.

Look, no way in hell is business, Wall Street especially, going to ignore a platform that provides access to a billion people all over the world. No way.  Maybe the current revenue generating system isn’t working as well as it could, but real soon now some bright guy is going to figure out how to make that profitable and people who own lots of Facebook stock are going to retire to the Bahamas – maybe they’ll have to dump the prepubescent CEO first,  but sooner or later it’s going to happen.  A billion people. Point to any other platform with that kind of captive audience.  Sure Facebook stock took a dip, how could it not? So did Microsoft’s, more than once (remember when the government sued Bill Gates? Sure you do).  See anybody burning Mircosoft stock to stay warm nowadays? Yeah, me neither.

People may hate Facebook, or claim they hate Facebook, but more go back than don’t.  Two weeks ago if Facebook went bust, so what?  Zuckerberg would still have been reasonably wealthy and he could still start any number of new ventures and people would throw money at him by the bushel.  If Facebook went bust last week, nobody would have lost much of anything other than a place to post pictures of cats. 

This week?  This week a whole shitload of people, including Zuckerberg and all of Wall Street, have very, very good reasons to keep it going and turn it into a world dominating social networking business.  And they will.

People have been hating on Facebook since Zuckerberg first dreamed it up in a drunken stupor back at his Harvard dorm room. 

Google “I hate Facebook” and see what you get.

"Good morning, Twitter!"
"Hi everyone on Facebook!"
"Just had eggs for breakfast. They were good."

WHO CARES!!!!!! The second anyone posts anything like this on Twitter, Facebook or Google+ immediately gets unfriended and blocked! Don't waste my time. I have 100+ legitimate tweets and posts I need to sift through every day without having to read stupidity.

A hundred plus legitimate tweets and posts you say? Frankly, I’m surprised you have time for friends at all, what with all those messages about the cure for cancer and world peace and all.  Sorry to bother you, Mr. Trump, by the way, check out this picture of my cat licking his balls. LOL!

"YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GOING ON? YOU DON'T CHECK MY FACEBOOK?" Yeah no, sorry, maybe you could fucking call or text instead!

You ever wonder if maybe Facebook isn’t your problem? Maybe you just have shitty friends? Or, and here’s a thought, maybe it’s not your friends who are shitty, maybe there’s a reason they don’t like talking to you face to face.

My mom isn't on the Face Borg, but her sister is, as is my sister-in-law and my dad's sisters. Recently my mom commented on the fact that before everyone was on Face Borg, she would get emails from people once in a while, or phone calls. Now, nothing. She doesn't hear about anything because nobody bothers communicating by any method other than Face Borg. Kind of pisses me off. The sad thing is, saying something to those people is unlikely to change their behavior, because people are lazy and will always take the easiest way out, regardless of the consequences.

Back in my day we didn’t have no stinking Facebook, no sir!  People actually took the time to get out the quill and inkpot and write! Then they’d put the letter in an envelope that they made themselves from the skin of small children and seal it with big blob of blistering hot wax – and they made the wax themselves, from the honeycomb of killer bees! There weren’t any self licking stamps back then, by God! You had to fight killer bees! It’s totally true! And then they’d give the letter to a guy who rode a fucking pony all the way across the continent dodging wild injuns and bears and tornados and shit like that! And the guy would have to swim rivers and climb mountains and gnaw off his own testicles just to survive winter storms! And it took months! And we were damned glad, damned glad, to get that letter! That was communication, Goddamnit! You little punks with your social networking and your smartphones, you kids are soft!

Back in 2009, Huffington Post published an anti-Facebook rant by Andy Ostroy.  The nicest thing Ostroy says about Facebook is:

[Facebook is a] cyberland of rampant narcissism and wasted time. What started out as a social networking site for college kids has somehow turned into a cesspool of self-absorbed way-too-old-to-be-fucking-around-on-Facebook adults who think that the rest of us actually give a shit about what they're drinking, eating, thinking, reading, watching, and/or are listening to every five minutes.

Ostroy then goes on to explain how much better his real awesome non-narcissistic adult friends in the not-cesspool-like real world are and how they’ll drop everything and come over at 2AM to help him (See, calling your meat friends at 2AM because you just have to move a couch right then is somehow totally not self-absorbed, but hey, again, I digress).   Ostroy then drops this bit:

Now in the spirit of full disclosure, I am a citizen of the Facebook nation. I was lured there by a dear friend with promises of mega-business-networking benefits, and I must also confess to periodically using the site for shameless self-promotion to my vast empire of 165 friends. But if I am indeed a Facebookian, it is citizenship in the vein of Che Guevara, Abbie Hoffman and Thomas Paine. I'm a radical. A dissident. A conscientious objector in the Armed Forces of Facebook. I might even call myself a revolutionary, for I'd love to stage a coup and turn Facebook the vainglorious social-networking site into Facebook the bastion of selflessness and redeeming social value.

See, everybody else on Facebook is a narcissistic douche-weasel, yes, but not Andy.  Andy’s on Facebook, yes, but it wasn’t his idea, see, it was totally somebody else who made him join up, see, and he only does it for the marketing opportunities (which for reasons unexplained somehow doesn’t make him a complete tool). Besides, he’s not really really on Facebook because he’s like a rebel, he’s a, a, a Maverick! Yeah, a maverick and he’d totally turn Facebook into a place more awesome than a stack of hot chocolattey bunny waffles smothered in melted Jesus butter and kitten syrup except for  the rest of us self-absorbed douchecakes. See? (Note, it would appear that Andy either eventually deleted his account and moved to a small cabin without power or indoor plumbing somewhere in the vicinity of Bozeman, Montana, or his contempt for the rest of us eventually grew so great that he imploded like a small bitter black hole. He’s no longer on Facebook, which sucks because it looks like he’d totally be prime Friend material. If you’re looking to make your Farmville roses grow, I mean. What? I’m just saying you shouldn’t pass up free fertilizer is all).

Now don’t get me wrong here, just because a billion people like something doesn’t automatically make it not suck, but it should obvious that Facebook appeals to something a lot of people want and enjoy.

And that as they say, folks, is the secret of business.

Seriously,you’ve got to admire Zuckerberg’s business plan:

Step 1: Go to College. Get drunk

Step 2: Write some code instead of studying for midterms

Step 3: Profit

Step 4: Get chicks

Seriously, the guy is 28 years old.  He’s a buzillionaire because he came up with a gimmick where people could post pictures of cats and talk about how they totally got shitfaced last night and had sex with the lawn-jockey in their parents’ front yard (forgetting that they friended their grandmother last week. Oops sorry Grammy, look, Kittens!) and vicariously spy on people who used to bully them in high school but are now blubbery losers who live alone with their mangy diseased little shitty dog and obsessively play Farmville all day (Heh heh, how’s that pro-ball career working out for you? Loooooooser! Ha! Er, sorry. I never do this. Never), and they can do it for free (post stuff, not the lawn-jockey sex thing, that’s gonna cost you).  And without any effort on his part, he managed to convince one seventh of the world’s population that they needed it.  Dude.

Sure you could probably make a case that Facebook really serves no useful purpose. It’s bloated and superficial. But nevertheless it appeals equally to titans of industry and those Mindanao tribesmen who live deep in the jungle and speak only the click-click language.   Facebook is the Kim Kardashian of modern communications! 

That’s capitalism, right there.

Truthfully, I didn’t think I’d like Twitter, but I do. I didn’t think I’d like Facebook, but I do. (I really thought I’d like Google+, but I don’t, go figure).

Yes, that’s right, I like Facebook.  I admit it.

Which doesn’t mean that it doesn’t irritate the hell out of me sometimes. 

Take the Timeline for example. People bitch about the Timeline. Hell, I bitched about the forced change to Timeline.


Yeah, turns out I like it and I probably wouldn’t go back to the old format even if I could, because I’m the guy in this Oatmeal Comic.

When people bitch about how much they hate Facebook, they’re not really bitching about Facebook, are they? No, they’re bitching about the people they interact with on Facebook.  These people, for example:

The Drama Queen Friend: OMG! OMG! Waffles!!! I think my husband is trying to kill me! These people live their lives in the middle of an ongoing Lifetime Channel movie, with themselves as the star. 

The Quitter Friend: I CAN’T STAND IT!!! I’M QUITTIN’ FACEBOOK! I hate it! I hate this fake online “life.” Fake fake fake. Who’s keepin’ it real with me? Who has the courage? Who?  They’re always quitting Facebook, and Twitter, and Google+, and Pinterest, and YouTube, and TV, and Texting, and Email, and they’re going back to nature. They’re going to retreat to a loft in Portland and churn organic butter and do something with chalk art on the sidewalks. And they’re going to have lots and lots of “real” friends who are made out of meat instead of electrons.  Oh yes, yes!  Except, of course, they never do.  They just go on and on and on about it, hoping you’ll say “Oh no! Please don’t leave us, dear dear electronic friend! Please stay and tell us how fake we are. Please!”  Yeah, good luck with the butter churning, Wilber.

The Ghost of Christmas Past Friend: Great picture of your kid, bro! Say, did you ever tell him about that time when we all got drunk on that crap @boobassfuckheadshitballs thought was Yeager and you got beat up by that hooker? Good times, man, god I miss those days! Thirty years.  Thirty goddamned years and the only thing this guy can talk about ever, in every single conversation, is that time you did something dumb.  He’s fifty years old now, married, kids, job, veteran, been around the world, flown airplanes, met Elvis, tamed the Yeti, cured cancer, but the only fucking thing in his entire life that he ever thinks about is that one time you barfed in the back of a taxi. It’s the one single bright spot in his entire life. Every single conversation. Every single one.

The Mom Friend: LOL! I saw you complaining about my grandbaby on Facebook.  LOL! Here’s a picture of that time you shit your diaper and then wore it as a hat! LOL! You were such a little stinker!  P.S. Ran into your old girlfriend at the Safeway, she’s such a nice girl.  We’re having lunch tomorrow.  Oh well, got to go. Kiss my grandbaby for me and say hi to your wife, @whatshername. LOL! Facebook is fun LOL! 

The WTF Friend: Flarn splith roxnark! ROTFLMFAO!  It looks like English, sort of, but the words never make any sense together.  No matter how much you squint your eyes.

The Creepy Sharer FriendHuggy Jones The Hairy Barbarian likes Anime Sex with Lawn Jockeys!  Seriously, Dude, you’ve got to stop logging into porn sites with your Facebook profile. Really.

The Cat Friend: Look at me everybody, I’m a cat! I’m a cat on Facebook! On Facebook, I’m a cat! I’m going to be honest here, I do not understand the concept of pretending to be a cat on Facebook. I do not. I understand the concept of pretending to be a fourteen year old Asian girl on Facebook. Cat? No.

The Needy Friend: Nobody likes me, everybody hates me! Click Like to give me a Facebook Hug, if I don’t get a hundred likes in the next hour, I’ll probably kill myself. What? I don’t even know you, now I’m responsible for keeping you alive? Really? You might as well go shut the garage door and start the car now.  Say, you know what you need? A cat.  I just happen to know one, on Facebook, I’ll hook you two up.

The Wet Blanket Friend: Haha! Great post, I needed the laugh. My dog died today. In a car accident. He was riding with Grandma, who had a heart attack and drove off a cliff. The car landed on an orphanage full of Nuns. Then it exploded. Grandma had senile dementia and I’m her legal guardian, but I’m an unemployed single parent dealing with a child born without toenails and so I didn’t notice that Grammy had gotten into the vanilla extract, took my car keys and Mr. Muffley and lit out for Atlantic city. I’ve got to go, the police are here, but great post, Bro. I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.

The Paranoid Friend: Facebook sells your information to Russian Mafia Pedophiles! It’s Twue! Really? Then maybe you should stop sharing pictures of your friends’ kids all the goddamned time, eh?

The Non Sequitor FriendI see that you’ve posted a picture of your cat, Mrs Wiggims. I’m not interested in your stupid cat, so I decided to comment with a link to this article on the complexity of free market capitalism and its relationship to gas prices in Zimbabwe.  All men know this guy.  He’s the tool who, no matter what the topic of conversation, no matter what the situation, no matter who the audience, interrupts with highlights from last night’s ball game.

For further examples of how to suck at Facebook with amusing and strangely drawn illustrations, as always I refer you to The Oatmeal.

But it’s not all bad. Unlike real life, online communications tend to distill people down to minimal dimensions – which, if you know people in meatspace with hygiene problems, isn’t always a bad thing.  They might be nice people, but phweeee! back off on the aftershave there, Stinky. Online? Hey they can dose themselves in as much Hai Karate as they want and you can still like them.

Which is not to say that if I was Zuckerberg for a day, I wouldn’t make some changes:

I want an Unlike button. I want it to be big and red and I want it to say UNLIKE! And instead of a poke, I want it to send a raspberry noise to the poster of the content I’m unliking. ZSsssssssrp!

I want to be able to edit my posts and comments.

I want a Block-All Games Requests Forever Button – including games that have not yet been written or conceived of.  In fact, I want a button that not only blocks all game requests, but also sends painful electric shocks  directly to the reproductive organs of people who send me game requests.  Instead of raspberry noises, I want it to send that Nyah, Nyah, Nyah sound like the Aflack Goat.

I want a Block All Further Comments Until I’ve Finished Typing My Witty Response To Your Comment button.

I want an app that automatically deletes any dorky picture of me more than ten years old posted by people who used to know me because they think that’s funny. Dude, remember this? LOL! You were such a dork! Yeah thanks.  In gratitude, how about I post this picture of you humping a lawn jockey on your mom’s home page, OK?

And lastly:

I want expanded unfriend options:

- Passive/Aggressive Unfriend: this option doesn’t really unfriend you, it sets my Facebook page to ignore you and doesn’t tell you why because you should be able to figure that out on your own. If you’re really my friend.

- Geeksquad Unfriend: unfriends you, then crashes your hard drive and makes your smartphone explode. Looks like somebody will be making a trip to Best Buy.

- Menace to Society Unfriend: unfriends you and automatically signs you up for invasive strip searches by the TSA.

- Unfriend for Liberals: unfriends you and changes your profile picture to a shot of you kicking a puppy while holding an AK-47 at Sarah Palin’s BBQ.  Sends you Groupons for a ten percent discount on baby harp seal apparel.

- Unfriend for Conservatives: Unfriends you and sends an autographed picture of you holding hands with Jane Fonda at a gay pride parade to your entire contact list. Then it invites Levi Johnson over to impregnate your daughter.

- Because, Fuck You That’s Why Unfriend: Sends a picture of you humping a lawn jockey during company time on a huge pile of stolen office supplies to your boss, accompanied by a sound clip of the Aflack Goat making the nyah nyah nyah noise.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have like a hundred legitimate tweets and posts I have to go read.

Remember to “Like” me on Facebook, folks, or the lawn jockey gets it.


  1. I already like you on Facebook, although I think I found you first here, well really on a site which shall not be mentioned.

    1. Oh you can mention it alright. I'll spit and hiss and say nasty things about you, but you can mention it.

    2. That is why I don't mention it.

      Actually I prefer adults

    3. I joined FB late, I think I've been on about 2 years. I didn't evan have a computer when I joined FB, I did it to stay evan, and current with what people had been talking about for - I don't remember - maybe 3 years; so I did it.
      One in sevean people world wide are on FB ? Okay. I am not the type that is accostomed to being in a majority; I like it though - this time anyway.
      I like FB,I like it better without timeline. I do not like timeline and I did not sign up for that, it got forced on me. Oh well, I'll live with it. I think it is a little "busy" and "distracting" for my dyslexic brain, but so what, I am more cautious, and slower about everything anyway - because I am dyslexic.
      I am pretty sure though, people pay less attention to the ads when inside the timeline format - just my idea maybe. I got no facts to back it up except maybe this: When someone gets something they do not want, and did not sign up for, it leaves a bitter taste. That is a fact that business people know well. If something else is built that offers more of what people want they will go there.
      I think FB was trading at $22 today, and that is down from Friday whan it was about $37, and that was down from Thursday when it was slightly below $50. Well I am not buying yet. Its going down and it will not be back to near $50 again for a long time. If anyone is going to retire anywhere on FB stock they're gonna need to buy so much that earning a retirement out of FB stock was never a nessesity anyway.
      I'll just stay here and continue to be happy reconecting with old friends, and meeting new friends with similar interests on the other side of the earth.

  2. Fat, drunk and constantly posting pictures of your pets is no way to go through life, son.

    1. You, Sir, are my new favorite. And now I have to go watch Animal House again.

  3. I Laughed Out Loud. Really.

  4. Really fine, Jim, and really funny.

    If ya don't like FB and what you see there, guess what? You put it there!

    1. Yeah, but in my defense I was drunk at the time.

    2. Yeah, but in my defense I was drunk at the time.

      See? That's the problem with mixing real life with your internet experience.

  5. Yeah, I wanted that raspberry option too. And a sarcastic font. Love the de-friend ideas!

    I resisted for years - proudly above it all - but then my sister guilted me into it. Now I use it daily just about- but try not to post pictures of my cat....

    FB was a great way to connect with some old childhood friends that I had lost touch with. And another bonus was when an old high school boyfriend (to be filed under what in the hell did I ever see in this guy??!!)who tracked me down. He was exactly the looser you described above: divorced, overweight, sad! And he got treated to a great picture I had just posted of my husband coming out of the Hawaiian jungle with a huge boar on his back, all scruffy, bloody and carrying a really big knife. Never heard from the old boyfriend again. LOL!! So FB has some GOOD points!!

  6. I signed up in 2004 after my 20th HS reunion. Deleted two years ago as I just didn't have to time to keep up with it. I have no animosity towards FB, in fact I just bought 500 shares, but I just don't have the time to engage with Facebook. I don't think FB stock will ever be an "Apple" but I think it's a decent long term investment. It was cheap, and hey, a billion people can't be wrong, right? Keep on Facebooking folks one of my 401K's is depending on YOU!

  7. Is there a subliminal message here that I'm missing?

    1. Why, do you feel an inexplicable urge to sex up a lawn jockey?

    2. Shit......how the hell did you see that?????

    3. Stonekettle Station has powers of perception that exceed explanation.

  8. I'm part of the facebookless silent majority. Maybe your Mum and I could exchange emails.

  9. I'm on FB, but I only look once a year, and I don't inhale.

    BTW, what the hell is Timeline?

    1. what the hell is Timeline?

      It's a facebook thing.

  10. Can you tell me what the hell a "poke" is all about? The FB kind.

    Why is it passive/aggressive (or so I've been told) to hide someone's posts rather than just unfriend them when you were getting 3,764 daily updates in your news feed about their Farmville (is that right?) score or that they just bought a metric ton of tomatoes and their chicken laid eggs. I mean, I don't dislike the person, I just don't want to see their shit.

    Why am I even on FB if I won't go online so I can chat? I hate chat, but I like FB and email.

    Isn't blogging just a glorified, long-winded form of FB? (And you know I do both, so I'm not looking at anyone else)

    That's all I can think of right now, except they haven't forced the new timeline on me yet, but when they do, THAT'S IT!! I'm leaving. You'll never see another upfist from me again! I mean it, enough is enough! Well, unless poking is something really fun, then I might stay.

  11. Meatspace. My new favorite word.

  12. I got a girlfriend out of Facebook. What can I say? It doesn't quite matter what they do, I'll owe 'em for that much, at least.

    1. I met my girlfriend at the Student Union ... the FB of 1974. I can still say that. If you can say it in 38 years, I'll be impressed.

  13. Has anyone here seen "God Bless America" yet? FB isn't specifically mentioned, but I think it's just because Bobcat has already retreated to the cave in Boseman...

  14. I didn't think I'd like facebook either. But I used to love the chat room I wasted a LOT of time in, years ago, and IT won't let me in, anymore. Not sure if they figured out how to always give me an error message, (from numerous different computers, no less) or if they died without taking down their entry page.

    As for Farm Evil, well, it's a great way to waste time while hoping one of my chat-willing friends will show up. Sorry it's so annoying to those who don't play. I agree that there should be some sort of "I'm not a gamer" setting somewhere.

    Gretchen in KS

  15. "Facebook and You : You’re not the customer, you’re the product."

    1. This basically describes my relationship to the Republican Party

  16. Second Life, MySpace, livejournal. Now Facebook. Remember that before you ever buy shares.

    Btw the reason to impersonate a cat on FB probably is to MEET the 14 year old Asian girls.

    1. Which btw is okay if all you want to do is tell them about Jesus. Right?

  17. I'm not doing facebook either. I've always had this aversion to people finding out about the lawn jockey and the goat that does the nyah, nyah, nyah thing.

  18. You've nailed it on the head. I decided to abandon (not delete) my Facebook account because of what you've decribed above. Funny enough, my real friends started to call me on the phone again. They were concerned that something terrible must have happened to me because I wasn't posting or responding to posts or emails - not that I was ever an active user. I believe Facebook actually makes people feel more distant than closer. I declared to my friends, "I do not want "virtual" friends." I've lost interest in social media for mine or anyone else's self-promotion. It's just social junk-mail, and who needs that?!!

  19. Jim, you are absolutely RIGHTEOUS today.

    I actually use Facebook as more of a news aggregator, a Google Reader lite if you will, since I can't get on my real Google Reader at work. (The VA uses an obsolete version of Internet Explorer. Which I guess goes right along with their mentality of a 30-year-old DOS program called Vista for electronic records.)

    That's funny that you don't like Google Plus--I find it the cleaner, better interface. Of course, most everything I want to read is on Facebook. (The opiate of the surfers, shall we say.) There's a lot of techie-heads and writers on Google Plus, if you like that crowd. Google is aiming for Universal Domination, so we'll have to see how this Clash of the Krakens plays out.

  20. Brilliant as ever, Jim.

    I do have to say I don't want an "unlike" button. I want a "slash/burn this post" button so I can watch it burn prettily. (Bonus for hardware-rendered particle and smoke effects.) I'd probably make posts to facebook just so I can press that button as often as possible.

  21. I'd be happy with a simple DISLIKE addition to Facebook, but you are much more creative!

    I'll admit to being annoyed by some things on FB, but seriously, you get what you pay for. Myself, I pay ZERO. Nothing. That's right. Not a penny. In return I get free texting to friends and family around the world, free 'alerts' from some of my favorite columnists and bloggers, and free 'book and news' club like sharing from friends who always post links to great articles and stories faster than I see them appear on my regular news reader. I even like Farmville (sometimes... I go on binges, then ignore it for months. I probably bug the heck out of my serious player friends, but, really these are my virtual animals and I'll starve them and let my crops wither if I want to).

    Anyway... sure, there are weird ads, forced changes, blah blah blah, but I get all this. For free! And I still, somehow, helped Zuckerburg become a zilllionaire! Ta-daa!

  22. There really ought to be some sort of tax deduction for Facebook users.

    You are, after all, saving the NSA heaps of money with all your DIY intelligence gathering.

  23. If you really like Jim and you are REALLY my friend and love Jesus and your kids and husband and can leave a one word comment on how you screwed up my life and want to post so that little girl will get the treatment for her ugly mother, click WTF!!

  24. The most serious objection I've heard is that by far Facebook's biggest potential revenue stream would come from aggregating and selling information that users post there about themselves. It aready has a bad record for respecting users' preferences about privacy settings, and now that there are shareholders to be kept happy, the temptation to cash in that revenue stream by selling your data is going to be very strong.

    They will leave no ass unchapped.

    I do know that I'll never join it -- never felt even the least bit tempted.

  25. I already Like you on FB but I originally linked to your blog from Ravelry, a knitting site. Really.

    I reacted the same way you did when the Timeline thing hit. It was awful. I couldn't find anything. I was pissed. Then I realized that I could never find anything on Facebook anyway so it wasn't really much of a change. :)

  26. I wanted to just quietly like you on Facebook, or quietly subscribe or something - but instead FB is asking me if I know you and if I want to add you as a friend. Am I missing some easy way to like you without having to ask/plead/beg you to be my friend?

    I mean, I like you. But asking to be friends is bringing up shades of middle school. (Do you like me? Check yes/no/add friend.)

    Is there a quieter way for us socially inept peeps to go all fangirl on you?

  27. You left out whole categories of friends so far as I'm concerned:
    - The ones who post every single picture they take of their kid
    - The ones who share every article they find that says something bad about Obama
    - The ones who share every article they find that says something good about Obama
    - The ones who share every cutesy DOCTOR WHO image they find

    I could go on, but you get the idea.

  28. It appears we can segregate this comment thread into "readers who took the post seriously" and "those who didn't".
    What does that mean? Not much, unless you're a cat-loving lawn jockey.

  29. I don't do Facebook. But I love Facebook. To be honest, it occupies all those weird friends I really didn't want anyway. Used to be you had to duck the phone calls.


  30. You left out the category of "friend" that has kept me from ever getting on F_book. "The cousin you hated growing up who is now a Jeeber's zombie"

    Maybe those of you who did not grow up in the deep south don't have this problem, but I left there to get away from several relatives who were constantly assessing my personal relationship with Jezuz and, finding it wanting, were determined to set me on the one True Path.

    I do not want them knowing where I live, or even if I am alive.

    1. OK, this wasn't the only reason to leave, just one of many.

    2. Been there, done that. Luckily for me, my brother's 2nd and 4th wife were Jehovah's Witness and he hated it. He doesn't bother to call me anymore, thank God. BTW ... it was the same woman. My brother's name is not Gregory.

      Bonus points for spotting the reference.

  31. Spot on as usual. I would LOVE a dislike button and quite frankly, I think the world NEEDS a universal sarcasm font not just for facebook but for all internet communications. I would try very, very hard not to use it too much. Really, I would.

    1. maybe you should try this one?


  32. I did, actually, laugh so hard I cried. Thank you. I would friend you, but I"m afraid I would be the subject of your next mockery of "Moms Who Brag About Every Purportedly Witty Comment from Their Kids' Slobbery Mouths Friend", and subsequently Passive/Agressive Unfriend me.

  33. Jim:
    What in hell is Facebook?

  34. INT QTH Shop Cat - Still looking for those pics

    Shop Cat Shop Cat Shop Cat

  35. I enjoy your posts imensly....but seriously...fuck Facebook . Vapid opiute for downward spiral..

  36. I'm not on Facebook, and I've seen each prequel exactly once. This must be what Amish people feel like all the time.

  37. What's the obsession with humping Lawn Jockeys?

  38. What's the obsession with humping Lawn Jockeys?

  39. Gee, I wish I could have said it that well.

    I've never used FB and have no desire to, but I'm sure tired of hearing about it. Why is it that those who share EVERYTHING on FB have to also talk about it all the time.

  40. Gee, I wish I could have said it that well.

    I don't use FB and don't have any interest in it but I'm sure tired of hearing about FB.

    Why is it that those who share every freaking bit of their lives on FB feel the need to also talk about it ALL-THE-FREAKING-TIME?


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