Friday, April 29, 2011

Smile, You’re On Occam’s Razor



Why? I hear you cry. Why oh why, Jim?

Why? Help us understand. Explain it to us, Oh Great Wizard of Stonekettle Station.

Why didn’t Obama release his actual no-foolin’ long-form double-platinum birth certificate before now? If he was going to do it, why wait this long?  Why didn’t he just produce the damned thing when all the hoopla started?

It’s been two years.

Two damned years.

He could have put an end to the rumors and conspiracy theories two years ago.

He could have quietly shushed poor Orly Taitz long ago, before her increasingly spastic  antics became the easy laughing stock of late night TV hosts. Obama basically destroyed this woman. She’s the real victim here. He drove her over the edge, he must have known what was going to happen. It was like giving a drug addict a hallucinogenic poison-skinned toad as a house warming gift, sooner or later they’re going to lick the oily secretions off its cold warty skin and reduce their frontal lobes to a thin mushy gruel, and why? Why would you do such a thing?

He could have saved the GOP tens of thousands of man-hours lost shaking the bushes for the mythical snipe. The Republicans could have solved the financial crisis, turned poor people into tasty Jesus flavored gasoline, and made Karl Rove CEO of NPR by now if they had not had to deal with the code-orange security threat posed by the National Obama Birth Certificate Crisis.

He could have saved Glenn Beck untold gallons of salty crocodile tears – the poor man is so dehydrated now that he may never be able to sell gold again and he’ll have to leave FoxNews – and who then will protect our nation from the impending Nazi Illuminati New World Order Nazi Muslim Brotherhood Caliphate of Socialist Nazi Doom? Also, Nazis.

Obama could have saved The Donald millions, instead the tycoon was forced to spend his fortune on private investigators and lawyers and air-time, talk about forced redistribution of wealth. By the time Obama dropped the punchline, Trump was reduced to getting his hair weed-wacked by the same toad licking dog groomer Orly Taitz uses.

And he could have aborted the birthers before they ever drew their first gin and tinfoil scented breath. Obama could have given the entire Tea Party movement one big D&C, scraping them off the moist fecund uterine wall of America politics like the twenty year old girlfriend of a conservative Senator in a Costa Rican “health spa.”

Yes, Obama could have done those things.

But he didn’t.


If you have to ask why, why would Obama let all those people twist in the wind for so long, then you obviously don’t recognize an epic punking when you see one.

Whoa, slow down there, Jim, Obama didn’t punk the birthers.  No no no, it was Trump who won.

Trump won?

The Birthers won?

Ha. Don’t make me snort good whiskey through my nose.

Won what? Their ass?  Because that’s the trophy they just got handed.  Turns out Obama is not after all, in fact, a humanoid illegal alien reptile robot in a rubber human suit from the future bent on the destruction of civilization and the enslavement of the human race (or is he? Or is he?) – and the only people who still don’t believe it are sharing a urine crusted blanket with the moon landing deniers, the goobers who think the LHC will open a doorway into an alternate dimension of carnivorous Justin Bieber clones, and those people who can’t eat pudding without getting it all over their Batman Underoos despite help from the nurse and 200cc’s of Thorazine. Couple more “wins” like this one, and they’ll be fitting The Donald for a gold-trimmed straightjacket and shaving that dead Angora bunny off his noggin so the electrodes fit snuggly.

This win is like an episode of The Apprentice, it’s entertaining about the same way as watching Charlie Sheen careen wildly around like an unbalanced overloaded washing machine flying apart in an explosion of spinning cogs, boiling water, and splattering soap suds is entertaining. I mean, be honest, you’re not watching The Apprentice because you’re hoping the poor bastard actually gets hired, you want to see blood and epic assholery.

Now just hold on a goddamned minute, I hear you say in that aggrieved tone you use when your Ben Franklin Genuine American Revolution Powdered Wig of Freedom causes your sweat-soaked brow to break out in a patriotic heat rash shaped like the Liberty Bell. Whoa, Jim, you’re saying that Obama planned this? That he plotted for two years, sniggering into his sleeve, just waiting, waiting, for the birthers to reach a uncontrolled feverish sexual frenzy like an evangelical minister at an all boys church camp? Waiting patiently in ambush to trump the Chump? You’re saying Obama essentially created the birthers himself? Is that what you’re saying?!

Settle down, take a deep breath. You’ve got a little foam on the corner of your mouth. Here use my napkin to wipe that off. No, no, it’s OK, you can keep the napkin. Better?


To answer your question:

Could be, Doc, it just could be.

See, what if the Tea Party is right?

I know, I know. Stop spitting. It could happen. Bear with me a minute. What if the Tea Party is right?

What if Obama really is, Wylie Coyote like, an evil super genius?

Two years? For an evil super genius, that’s nothing

Now now, don’t bite at your own flesh, Gentle Reader, you’ll pull out the stitches.

Obama, according to the Tea Party, has been focused for more than 50 years on his monomaniacal plan to take over America. Five decades, folks, and more.  So focused on the destruction of America is Obama, that he plotted in the womb before he was even born! Yes, that’s right, he faked his birth certificate at the moment of birth! How? How the hell would I know? Maybe he used his Hypnotizing Negro Ray to alter events across the decades, molding the minds of liberals and conservatives, record keepers and newspaper editors, and to twist at the very fabric of space-time itself! 

Like Jesus, we have no record of his childhood. You don’t know, maybe he taunted the other children on the playground, “Nyah nyah, some day I, a scrawny mixed race kid with big ears and a funny name from a broken home will rain down epic socialism on you like a boss! Then you’ll be sorry, White Devils, yesh, oh yesh! Yesh!”

But, see, it was all a joke! It was all a set up.

Good Lord! The patience of the man. All this for a laugh?

Who knows what other mischief the man is capable of?

I mean, think about it.  I know it’s hard, your little brain is like a square tire, it’s difficult to get it moving but it will roll if you lubricate it with some tea and push hard enough. Push, Gentle Reader, push!  Bump. Bumpa. Bump! Bumpabumpa. Bumpabumpitybump!

See, if trickster Obama could plot for 50 years to punk somebody with the Tigger blood and Adidas DNA of Donald Trump, what else might he be plotting? What aren’t we seeing here? Wait! Trump? Trump! That’s another word for punk’d. Gasp! You don’t think Obama changed the past to make The Donald’s very name a joke? Sweet Baby Buttered Illegal Aliens! How far would Obama go for a gag? I mean, he does have the entire NSA Area-51 Time Travel Directorate of Freedom available to him…

This guy is like the evil Allen Funt* of political humor!

Obama punked The Donald, what if that’s just the start?

What if it turns out that Obama was a good student after all?  What if he didn’t use his Magic Minority Mojo to get into Harvard?  What if he actually earned his degree. What if he really studied? Holy Cow, the shock will probably crash capitalism and send Trump stock plummeting towards the pavement like a Merrill-Lynch executive. Great Scott! You don’t think that was the plan all along? A hostile takeover of Trump Enterprises! What if Obama is the ultimate Capitalist?

What if he’s only pretending to be a socialist American hating commie Nazi?

And if Obama can punk a great American like Trump as a gag, who might he go after next? White people, African Americans? Hey! What if Obama isn’t, gasp, a Muslim after all? Can’t you just see the shocked faces in the studio audience? What? Obama is really a white Christian?  Son of a bitch! Damn, you got us. Good one, Dude! And what’s this? A lifetime supply of hallucinogenic toad flavored Rice-O-Roni as a parting gift? Awesome!


Sigh, I suppose it does sound just a bit outlandish.

It’s much more likely that B. Hussein Obama is really a foreign sleeper agent, a socialist liberal Nazi created by a shadowy cabal of Indonesian Muslims who deftly manipulated world governments in the 1960’s to produce a half black, half white, liberal democrat with a funny foreign sounding name and inserted him into America by creating false birth records and newspaper announcements and bribing both republicans and democrats alike, then had his Kenyan birth father leave so he could be adopted by yet another foreigner and educated in an alien land after renouncing his citizenship only to return to America later as an illegal alien where he manipulated the system to get into some of the best schools in the world while faking his grades so he could get a degree he didn’t earn so that he could later become President with the willing assistance of thousands of people both liberal and conservative because that would be the easiest way to destroy America.

Oh yes, that makes much more sense.

Smile and wave for the camera.

Hey, is that Ashton Kuscher over there?



* If you don’t know who Allen Funt is, you’re not old enough to be reading this blog. Go play with your Pokemon and be quiet, you little punk.


  1. So well put! They really are ready for the padded room and the soft foods.

  2. Did the sarcasm come through? I was afraid I was being too subtle...

  3. Hey, now. I didn't know what Allen Funt was until just a minute ago. I blame this on my parents good sense to ban televisions from our home. Something about 4 1/2 of the 5 television channels being nothing but garbage.

  4. Don't be gettin no Justin Bieber on my blog, Magpie

  5. Too subtle?? About as subtle as the plague Jim...

  6. Wait, that was sarcasm? You have to try harder, Jim. You're not hitting the sweet spot quite yet. !!! :D

  7. Eeeew. Why on earth would I sully this venerable blog with jail bait in a bad haircut?

  8. Hey I know who Allen Funt is I watched him as a kid but if you make fun of me my level 50 pikachu will use thunder wave on you all leave you twitching in a corner lol.

  9. Allan Funt is dearly departed, but there's still an Ella Funt in the living room.

  10. Glad I took my aspirin today, I laughed so hard I thought I was going to haved a Cardio-vascular accident!

  11. Stonekettle Station is not responsible for embolisms, ruptured testicles, or exploded arteries.

  12. Very, very nice...Sarcasm is under appreciated these days...And this is a fine, fine example...thanks for a good laugh.

  13. Jim, you are such a dupe. Sure, there's some holes in the theory, but if everything was on the up and up, how do explain how nearly every doctor and nurse involved in his birth (and they were all between 45 and 55 years old at the time), are NO LONGER LIVING? HUH???!!???!!!!??


    ... (I only threw in the ellipsis cuz I know it drives you batshit.)

  14. WHAT?!

    I want a Hypnotizing Negro Ray too, dammit!! Or is that only part of that American socialized medicine I hear so much about?

  15. Damn you, Nathan, those ellipsis were totally uncalled for. Totally.

  16. I’m sure many will remember when the very same Sensationalist Carnival Barkers ginned up the Flag Pin Controversy during the ’08 Primaries?

    Then, one day, our guy shows up wearing a flag pin.

    End of story.

    More genius this week if you ask me.

  17. A fine bit of snarkery, sir. I must admit, though, that the very thought of The Donald (is that a Tribble nesting on his head? Yes, I think it is!) as a candidate for any public office other than Minister of Idiocy in Western Jerkoffistan has me running for the Thorazine myself.

  18. The real question should be "how is Justin Bieber controlling the president?" He is, after all, a Canadian, and everyone knows about the rampant socialism in Canada. Just look at the nazi inspired medical system over there.

  19. You need a check box that says either: "I pissed myself" or "I need a new keyboard (choose one or more of: coffee, tea, coke)".

  20. The real question should be "how is Justin Bieber controlling the president?" He is, after all, a Canadian, and everyone knows about the rampant socialism in Canada. Just look at the nazi inspired medical system over there.

  21. At this point, the only serious challenge to Obama's second term would be a challenger in the democratic primaries. Any GOP candidate that wants to beat their competitors in the primaries is going to have to court the extreme factions of the birthers and tea party (because if they don't, their rivals will) and that's going to cost them nearly the entire moderate base during the actual elections...

  22. Bam! Take that, Donald & all you birthers! My vote is just as powerful as yours is & I'm voting for Barack again. Nyah, nyah, nyah!

    Seriously though, I can't believe that this even became an issue. But some folks want to get the president out of office by any means necessary.

  23. It's not America that he's after Jim, it's the world. Your going to have to go head to head with this guy someday if your still hoping to be that new world leader that you aspire to.

    You make lightly this assumption that this whole take over of the United States was planned well before his birth. Oh yes it was Jim. It was planned all right, you got to take out the biggest guy first if you want the rest to go down like pussy willows. First the U.S. then THE WORLD AND ALL MANKIND!

    Nicolae, Lucifer, Hussien whatever you want to call him he's the anti-christ come to take all and you got to have a big set of balls to take him down. You better start planning now Jim, how you'll deal with this, this, anti-man devil of the under world. Maybe you can get some pointers from Glenn!

  24. Well done, but the most important thing to the "birthers" -- no matter how many birth certificates he releases, nothing can alter the the fact that Barack Hussein Obama is still black [as defined as the "one drop rule" so many racists in the South love, although in a beautiful piece of doublethink or "blackwhite" as per Orwell, they're also quick to point out that really, he's half-black, half-white (a mulatto, but they don't say that word aloud), but doesn't acknowledge his white side of the family].

    And it is his "blackness," to the "birthers," that is still his crime -- no black man should ever become president. They should stick to things they're good at, like entertaining white people at sporting events like basketball or baseball or boxing (but not hockey, because apparently black men can't hit hockey pucks).

  25. Oh my gawd. This page is like effing crack...(how you like that ellipsis, Jim?) You definitely hit the sweet spot and I feel like I need to smoke now.

  26. Why.....It ALL makes perfect sense to me now !! Thanks for setting me straight, Chief !! Now, can you explain how Sarah ie relevent in all this brewhaha ?

  27. I'm not convinced this was a punking. I think the fact I'm a white dude was maybe blinding me to the way in which the birthers have not just been acting like lunatics, but they've also basically Grandfather Claused the President of the United States. I wasn't putting myself in the shoes of a black guy being asked to show his papers to prove his right to participate in American civics. And maybe the reason the President waited two years wasn't strategic, maybe it was because the correct answer to the birthers was always "fuck you" from the start, and what happened this week was that the President finally capitulated because the circus clowns were just too disruptive. Like I've said elsewhere, I've gone from amused to angry to just depressed over this whole thing.

  28. The next step, Eric, is to unleash the biting hounds of sarcasm.


  29. So far, I think the funniest part of the whole thing is Trump puffing up and taking credit for "forcing" the president to show the certificate. I can't decide if he is so egotistical that he believes it, or is trying to save face. Although that gives rise to the question of why he would want to save that face of his.

  30. Dude, You had me at "good whisky."

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    This entire post is simply EPIC WIN.

    ...oh and, 10/10 for the Allen Funt reference!

  31. So where does it leave me that I had to look up both Funt and Beiber?

    I agree the whole thing is ridiculous, unless someone had managed to produce a legitimate birth certificate for him issued in another country, then why should anyone care? I may be anti-obama, but at least it's not based on race, religion, or questioning his place of birth.

  32. I truly hope President Obama reads your blog (and Michelle does as well).

    I think you'd bring much laughter to both of them and they certainly deserve it.

    Thank you.

  33. Needz Moar Jesussss!

  34. Now settle down there, Shadowym. Jesus is a finite resource, we need to be careful not to use him up. Also, What if everybody got the Jesus? Are we supposed to let everybody into Heaven? Think of what will happen to the property values, man, think!

  35. How many eejits can the Republicans balance on the edge of Occam's Razor? Don't know yet, they're still piling on.
    Super post.

  36. Dude, someone should be paying you for stuff this good!

    Can I be your agent?

  37. Allen Funt. Nice touch!

    Dare we hope for a future dastardly reference to Howdy Doody? A little salt in the emotional wounds of the all too young & ignorant?

    That'd be sweet.

  38. For the record, and I can't explain why, but when I was a kid, I thought Allen Funt was the scariest looking motherfucker I had ever seen. (Liked the show, but he scared the piss out of me.)

  39. Like all on the right Trump has been battered with –isms so that he if he wants to hold on to some of the unthinking centre in politics he must dissemble. Race is a difference and should be open to consideration when two people are being compared. We would not dream of denying any characteristic as potentially important when comparing two automobiles for example. People look at Africa, at the Ivory Coast or Kenya, and see what happens in their political affairs, and then consider whether what they see in common in those countries, and which contrasts with what they take for granted, might be in part a result of the difference in race of the participants. A hundred years ago that was perfectly normal. We have become used to cowering under the incessant illogical rhetoric of the politically correct. Trump has some balls; not enough perhaps, but it’s a start.

  40. anon @8:58-
    What a load of horsepunky.
    Tote up how many primarily caucasian countries have rained death, destruction. and disarray of all sorts down on themselves and their neighbors in the last century alone.
    The human race has a tough time trying to stay on track with it's better side no matter what color the package is.
    Mr Trump may have some balls but I'm thinking he ought to go bounce em down at the Y in a neighborhood where the kids are looking at nothing much more than jobs at Walmart as a future and see what he could learn from them.

  41. Anonymous, do I come to your house and shit all over the furniture? Do I? Then what makes you think it would be acceptable for you to do it here?

    To quote Captain Reynolds, your mouth is running, Anonymous, you might want to see to that.

  42. obviously you're part of the conspiracy Jim....I have it on GOOD authority from a GOD FEARING CHRISTIAN that the Warren Commission POIRPOSELY left that Kenyan's name redacted from the SECRET INVESTIGATION that places a certain gun toting TODDLER at the Grassy Knoll. It's easy to SEE that you're an APOLOGIST with LIBRUL SYMPATH, SIMPATH, SIMPETH...LEANINGS to continue to spread MISINFORMATION about the TRUTH.

    I also suspect that he used this same altered document to avoid service in VIETNAM by claiming to only be 7 years old! Well you can fool some of the people some of the time, but people like me can only be fooled in some of the time and that we are onto you and your job killin agenda with your activist judges and all. Don't you understand that we are taxed enough already!

  43. in response to anon @ 8:58

    I thought Ivana got his balls as part of the divorce settlement......

  44. @anonymous 8:58: President Obama is not African. He is American.

    Also, what Eric, Alaskapi, and Warner said.

  45. Anonymous:
    If The Trumpster has a problem with the President’s race, why not just come out and say so? Here, let me help you…repeat after me, your royal Donaldness - “I think Mr. Obama is not fit to be our President because he is black”.

    Now that didn’t hurt at all, did it? All he has to do now is back that statement up with facts. Waiting. Still waiting. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

  46. I knew about Funt and Bieber, but I admit, I had to use the Google on Occam’s Razor.

    Superb post! And after just watching the DVR of the President at the WHCD, the cherry on top of the whipped cream, or whatever.

  47. Holy Bieber, I had to look up "ellipses". This was dang funny, especially on the heels of the WHCA dinner last night.

  48. Sheila, not lurking,May 1, 2011 at 11:09 AM

    I knew Occam's razor. When I looked up Allen Funt, I realized that I knew who he was but I had never known his name.

    I'm definitely not the pop culture guru. My husband asked me the other day if I knew who the Kardashians were, and I replied, "Aren't those the blue-skinned people on Star Trek?"

    When he stopped laughing, he told me that I was confusing Cardassians with Andorians. Silly me.

  49. Well played, Sheila, well played indeed.

  50. I'm not sure which I enjoy more, the post or the comments. Could I respectfully request that you allow a few more trolls to get through, maybe I'm a sick bastard but it sure is fun to watch.............

  51. This is the first time I've visted Stonekettle Station, and after reading this post, I will be back for more. A thing of cynically-sarcastic beauty.

    Especially since you also referenced Funt and Capt. Reynolds of Firefly fame. We got a lot in common.

    - hedgewytch

  52. Jim you have had some fantastic blogs but this well this is a thing of beauty! Everybody else in my house has been watching me roll around in hilarity! If you don't hear from me again they have put me in the rubber room! Hilarious!

  53. I'm with Mike @ 1009 ref the trolls and the quality of commenters. I enjoy visiting the blogs that are smart but the smart and witty responses are half the fun.


  54. Boy, that was a hoot.
    Some smart gal over on another blog sent me over here to read this - good for her! She said something about another woodturner with a mouth almost as big as mine. Well no, I embellished that last part.

    It's going to take me a while to figure out how to be less anonymous, lest I be confused with a previous example whose rigging I recognized at a thousand yards. He shits on furniture elsewhere too.

    I may even read the rules before I show up again.
    Well no, I embellished that last part too.

    Glad you're here though, I like the look of the place.
    Nice work.

  55. Not only are you so funny that you leave a trail of ruptured organs in the wake of this post, but you smack down trolls with Firefly quotes. You, Sir, are my hero.

    And, believe it or not, the captcha for this comment is 'wingr'. It's a conspiracy!

  56. The decline of America is a truly sad spectacle.

  57. Go Jim go!!
    He shat on the furniture, but you sure wiped his ass!

  58. I didn't get a chance to read this on Friday. So, late but sincere: Well said, sir. Well said. I am lucky that my coworker is out, as I actually guffawed.

    I am old enough to remember Funt and wish I didn't know about Bieber. I credit my elitist liberal arts degree with my familiarity with Occam's Razor, even though almost none of my professors applied it themselves.

    verification - werch: one good arrgh away from a wench.

  59. I disagree with you and I am not a birther. He IS hiding something. Any person with any sense would have disproved this long before now, so why didnt he. McCain had to as he was born in panama.

    This was not a birth certificate. It was a certificate of live birth. This is not an accepted form to even get a passport. It had no seal on it.

    What passport did he use to go to pakistan when this was a "no country you can visit zone" at the time.

    EVEN if the birth certificate is real and I am open to that............why is he using a fake social security number which was issued in conneticut, a state he never lived in. There are too many discripencies over his life.

    Why are his school records sealed, why did he and michelle both have their lawyer licenses stopped, where is his thesis, why does no one remember him at columbia?

    There are too many questions to let ride. And I have only named a few.

  60. Bawahahahahaha. Oh God, that's hysterical - especially the part about "...and I'm not a Birther."

    Isn't he special, Folks? Let's give Anonymous a big round of applause.

  61. Nick from the O.C.May 2, 2011 at 4:48 PM

    Apropos of not very much, I found a 2007 NYT article where B. Hussein revealed his TRUE background. The NYT quoted from an article he wrote while at Harvard Law School (obviously before he concocted details of his master plan).

    “I was born in Oslo, Norway, the son of a Volvo factory worker and part-time ice fisherman. My mother was a backup singer for Abba. They were good folks.”

    According to the NYT, while in Chicago, “I discovered I was black, and I have remained so ever since.”

    Hope this helps clear up the mysteries....

  62. Dude, your "subtle" is like the 20# sledgehammer of the cosmic cluebythor.


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