Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Things, they are gonna change, part 1

So, I’m out in the shop this morning, carving filigree into my latest masterful work of art (yes, yes, I’ll post some pictures sooner…or later. Don’t beg, it’s unseemly) and the phone rings. It’s my son calling from school, he’d forgotten his PE clothes and could I bring them up? Argh! This kind of stuff really cuts into my retired time. Anyway, I find the clothes, run up to school, have a nice chat with the office ladies, and as I’m heading back out the front door I see a woman approaching. So I do the thing where you hold the door open for somebody because it’s the friggin’ polite thing to do… and she breezes right past me chatting on her cell phone. Not a word of thanks, not a little smile to say she appreciated it, not a nod of acknowledgment. And there I am, doing the Must. Not. Make. Fist. Of. Death. dance.

Okay here’s the thing. I spent most of my adult life defending the Constitution of the United States. I admire the Constitution. I think it’s one of the greatest documents ever penned, embodying some of the greatest principles the human race has yet devised. But I also think that it’s lacking in a few critical areas. After I take over and crown myself Emperor of the Universe I’ll be using the US Constitution as a template for my own governing documents, however I’ll be adding a few extra Articles. One of which will be titled: Don’t be a Dick, which will be divided into several subsections, such as: Don’t be a dick about your religion, Don’t be a dick on public transportation, Don’t be a dick on the highway, etc.

Today: Don’t be a dick with a cell phone:
Your conversations are exactly that, your conversations. The people around you have the right to be left out of it. If your phone can’t pick up your voice at anything below 80dB, then get one with a more sensitive mic. Anybody caught loudly discussing their OB/GYN exam or their intestinal polyps on a cell phone in the frozen food isle will be forced to wear an orange helmet with a light on top that flashes out “I’m a dick” in Morse code. Your conversations are exactly that, your conversations – unless you use the “walkie talkie” function in public, then you are including the people around you in the conversation by involuntary default. Since you’ve now made your conversation their conversation, they are highly encouraged to participate by making orgy noises. If the gist of the conversation appears to be conservative republican style topics, participants are encouraged to make gay orgy noises. If the conversation appears to be more Democrat in nature, participants should make noises as if they are slaughtering an endangered species of their choice. When in line at the cashier, you have a responsibility to the people behind you. Hang up and pay for your shit in a prompt and courteous fashion. Then take your booty and go outside before resuming your conversation, otherwise the person directly behind you in line is permitted to slap you in the back of the head, hard. After which the cashier will taze you repeatedly until your cell phone battery catches fire. Shut up and drive. No Seriously. Otherwise you will be locked in your car with rabid baboons and a cell phone with just enough battery power for one, fifteen second phone call. If you can connect to the 911 operator maybe you’ll live, if not, too dammed bad. Anyone caught using a cell phone during an elementary school recital, public movie, concert, or sex will be punished by having the offending cell phone set to vibrate, wrapped in barbed wire, and inserted into an orifice chosen by the audience. Under no circumstances, up to and including a life threatening emergency, will cell phone use be permitted while the user is relieving him or herself. Ever. And finally, if someone holds a door open for you, stop talking on the phone for a minute, nod thanks or the Fist Of Death will be unleashed.

Thank you, and good night.


  1. Okay, you're starting to get my vote for Emperor. :)

    One, you took the kid his clothes (good on you, natural for you but you'd be amazed at the level of parentalism). Two, you didn't smack the cellphone to the ground.

    Whenever I hear someone on the cell in the bathroom I make my visit as noisy as possible. I mean, weren't the jokes (stand up, movie, and TV) enough to get it through these people's heads? If I have gas, oh, yeah, it's a gonna pass.

    The best I've done was after having to hear a guy talk about all his ordering process and his "extra special sekrit plans for business" while waiting for my car to get an oil change was critique his business plan, hand him my card (the former Manager at a Big 6 Firm) and say, "in the future, you should never discuss such thing when a potential competator is either listening, or would pay for such info."

  2. Yeah, there are days that I wish that the RF emitted by cell phones really did cause giant brain eating tumors. Alas, it doesn't, but I can dream, can't I? Personally, I use a bone-conductive blue-tooth ear-piece, I can talk at a normal conversational level (or lower) and not bother people around me. And since I'm a little hard of hearing (comes from having shit blow up next to my head for twenty years) the ear piece is perfect. In my not so humble opinion the guy that invented the Walkie Talkie cell phone function needs to die. Seriously if there is anything more annoying than that I don't know what it is.

    1. may I submit as 'more annoying': the mic/speaker systems used at fast-food drive thru-s? I swear they connect it through some guitar effects boxes to dynamically reduce it to barely comprehensible...

  3. "Anyone caught using a cell phone during an elementary school recital, public movie, concert, or sex will be punished by having the offending cell phone set to vibrate, wrapped in barbed wire, and inserted into an orifice chosen by the audience."
    This, sir, needs to be sent directly to The Alamo Drafthouse, founded by Tim and Karrie League, for inclusion in one of their legendary (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs) PSA's shown before the feature film.
    If you're ever down in Texas, I'm sure you would enjoy the Alamo!


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